Day 913 All his strings broke

27 07 2015

You have those moments when parenting when you hear something that you didn’t know you would.  Before I get my kids back, I get nervous because I want to be a super dad but also please don’t let me mess up but every time I do which is okay and because of that this made my day: We were bringing all the their stuff inside from their moms and my son says: Daddy I want to be just like you, I want to be cool and funny like  you, have your cool haircut, get into a car accident and get out okay but most daddy I want to love you the way you love me and sister. I stopped in my tracks and I told him lets please not do the car wreck thing okay, but that means so much to me. I asked him to go inside I’ll be there in a second. I just cried there in the parking lot. Knowing my 6-year-old had those thoughts of me let me know no matter how many times I think I’m blowing it he doesn’t see me the way I see myself. I walked around with a little bigger chest than normal on Friday.

Since Thursday I received 3 phone calls from folks about I think I want to commit suicide. Side note: You want to serve God believe me he will give you ample opportunity. Most of the time people have had the talk with themselves but they truly don’t want to kill themselves they just want to know if their okay, if there going to be okay and what to do next. Ive learned what to say but mostly they are lonely and want to talk. Every time I hang up the phone I remember the day I was ready to end it all and better the world without me that takes me to last night. I went and saw Paper Towns and in the first 5 minutes of character development the two main charters are riding their bikes as young kids and there is a man who shot and killed himself. She goes up to the man and says it’s so sad. It later tells in the story he was a 36-year-old man who was getting a divorce and he couldn’t stand the burden or failure ( me). so he killed himself. She then looks at the other character and says all his strings broke. I was stunned because those are the words I had been searching for since that August day to explain how I felt.

If you have ever seen a piano or guitar with every string busted it’s a mess. Your thoughts are throw it away and start over. I felt at that moment in 2011 all of my strings were broke and its time to throw it away but with no starting over. When all your strings are broke there is no God at that moment, you see every mistake you, made worse than it really was, every emotion is sad and depressing, and every person you want to love you only sees you as a pathetic, nobody that will never change. We all know that is a truly a lie from the pits of hell but I promise if you’ve never been there its true and is only justified by the people who called me this week reaching out for help. It’s funny how blogs come together for me because Thursday since I’m a big strong guy people think I like helping them move heavy things. I’m always first on the list for some reason.  My buddy asked if I could come help move his piano from the living to the garage because he couldn’t fix all the strings and he was sending it out to get a remodel a guess. When we got it into the garage I lifted the lid about half the strings were busted and rolled up and the other strings were perfect. I asked him why he didn’t finish he just said he wasn’t good at it but they looked okay but sounded horrible. Then comes the movie. To see the strings that were all busted up and rolled up into ball or just hanging there looking worthless that was my life almost 4 years ago. To see what I used to think of myself but to see the other strings my buddy fixed that were in place, looked pretty good, but maybe didn’t sound perfect that is who Tyler Wood is now. Busted, bruised, rolled into a ball and supposedly worthless, have turned into a string that could be used, and when tuned properly make a beautiful sound when all the strings are finished the piano will probably sound better, work better and be used in a way it never would have. I finally found a metaphor that works for me and I have no idea how to play the piano but I know when its working and sounds good. I beg of you to let the brokeness of your life be found in a string of something for you. God did not make mistakes, you maybe lost right now, you might feel worthless, at your rock bottom, you may feel nothing is working out at all, but all your strings are not broken, they just need to be handed over to God for a little adjustment.





Day 913 All his strings broke

26 07 2015

You have those moments when parenting when you hear something that you didn’t know you would.  Before I get my kids back, I get nervous because I want to be a super dad but also please don’t let me mess up but every time I do which is okay and because of that this made my day: We were bringing all the their stuff inside from their moms and my son says: Daddy I want to be just like you, I want to be cool and funny like  you, have your cool haircut, get into a car accident and get out okay but most daddy I want to love you the way you love me and sister. I stopped in my tracks and I told him lets please not do the car wreck thing okay, but that means so much to me. I asked him to go inside I’ll be there in a second. I just cried there in the parking lot. Knowing my 6-year-old had those thoughts of me let me know no matter how many times I think I’m blowing it he doesn’t see me the way I see myself. I walked around with a little bigger chest than normal on Friday.

Since Thursday I received 3 phone calls from folks about I think I want to commit suicide. Side note: You want to serve God believe me he will give you ample opportunity. Most of the time people have had the talk with themselves but they truly don’t want to kill themselves they just want to know if their okay, if there going to be okay and what to do next. Ive learned what to say but mostly they are lonely and want to talk. Every time I hang up the phone I remember the day I was ready to end it all and better the world without me that takes me to last night. I went and saw Paper Towns and in the first 5 minutes of character development the two main charters are riding their bikes as young kids and there is a man who shot and killed himself. She goes up to the man and says it’s so sad. It later tells in the story he was a 36-year-old man who was getting a divorce and he couldn’t stand the burden or failure ( me). so he killed himself. She then looks at the other character and says all his strings broke. I was stunned because those are the words I had been searching for since that August day to explain how I felt.

If you have ever seen a piano or guitar with every string busted it’s a mess. Your thoughts are throw it away and start over. I felt at that moment in 2011 all of my strings were broke and its time to throw it away but with no starting over. When all your strings are broke there is no God at that moment, you see every mistake you, made worse than it really was, every emotion is sad and depressing, and every person you want to love you only sees you as a pathetic, nobody that will never change. We all know that is a truly a lie from the pits of hell but I promise if you’ve never been there its true and is only justified by the people who called me this week reaching out for help. It’s funny how blogs come together for me because Thursday since I’m a big strong guy people think I like helping them move heavy things. I’m always first on the list for some reason.  My buddy asked if I could come help move his piano from the living to the garage because he couldn’t fix all the strings and he was sending it out to get a remodel a guess. When we got it into the garage I lifted the lid about half the strings were busted and rolled up and the other strings were perfect. I asked him why he didn’t finish he just said he wasn’t good at it but they looked okay but sounded horrible. Then comes the movie. To see the strings that were all busted up and rolled up into ball or just hanging there looking worthless that was my life almost 4 years ago. To see what I used to think of myself but to see the other strings my buddy fixed that were in place, looked pretty good, but maybe didn’t sound perfect that is who Tyler Wood is now. Busted, bruised, rolled into a ball and supposedly worthless, have turned into a string that could be used, and when tuned properly make a beautiful sound when all the strings are finished the piano will probably sound better, work better and be used in a way it never would have. I finally found a metaphor that works for me and I have no idea how to play the piano but I know when its working and sounds good. I beg of you to let the brokeness of your life be found in a string of something for you. God did not make mistakes, you maybe lost right now, you might feel worthless, at your rock bottom, you may feel nothing is working out at all, but all your strings are not broken, they just need to be handed over to God for a little adjustment.





Day 907 I blew it Saturday

21 07 2015

On Friday night my buddy Jim and I went to a concert with the bands of Pennywise and Danzig. I had made a promise to myself that if Danzig came back to Dallas I would see them. They were my band I used to get my blood flowing before any sports or other blood flowing event needed. Needless to say they didn’t let us down. We also participated in the mosh pit. I had so much fun but boy my body was not a happy camper the next day. It’s good to remember that you still have it at almost 40 but you only have it for a day. Ha ha

If you know me at all you know I’m real, not judgmental and try real hard to live a good God-fearing life. You also know I still struggle and sometimes do some really idiotic things. Most of the stupid things I do are fear based and have nothing to do with the way God sees me but the way I feel and look at myself based on the past me. Its start with a real dumb thought and the next thing you know I’m burning down my life. Then I just pray the next day I wake up and I’ve snapped out of it. Saturday night hanging out with my buddy J. and he said something that stirred a feeling about how my trust in people or lack there of comes from ex marriage. It really made me think that man I thought I had come further than that. He was right though but it kept stirring and truthfully pissed me off Not at him but me. as the night went on I acted like I was okay and I wasn’t. We then went to another venue and ran into a friend that I love to death. Heard a story about how he was doing and it made me hurt for him so much. I got actually upset at that point that I was visually and verbally losing my temper. I was having a conversation and prayed God would settle my heart down but to avail. ( I know I’m leaving out details but I have some cleaning up of what I did so I won’t mention names). I wont apologize for what I said but I will apologize for what I did. We actually got into a physical altercation in the parking . It was truly all my fault. I should have walked away but I didn’t. It was the first time in 4 years I lost my head. I know my temper and have done great keeping me under wraps. All as I can say is I’m sorry to my buddy but not sure that will work. I’m still waiting!

So where did it come from: It came from the parts of me that made me think that my opinion or thoughts didn’t matter, I wasn’t important, that maybe I wasn’t who I thought I was. Sunday I drove to Waco so I had sometime to process and clear my head. The devil is real and if you don’t always keep your guard up Satan walks in and attacks everything he knows that you fear. He can kill so much inside you and Saturday night Devil 1- Tyler-0. I’m so embarrassed by my actions but after much thought it’s another on my list of actions that I will get to the bottom of and grow from. God never said don’t sin , he asked us to be convicted of them. Here I am raising both hands knowing full well its a mistake and that won’t happen again as long as I follow his path and not mine. Sometimes the ones that are perceived to be the strongest get the least support because people believe they don’t need it. I for one accept any and all support because I can’t do this by myself.  I blew it Saturday so here’s to being the man I am not the one I used to be. Thanks!!





Day 907 I blew it Saturday

21 07 2015

On Friday night my buddy Jim and I went to a concert with the bands of Pennywise and Danzig. I had made a promise to myself that if Danzig came back to Dallas I would see them. They were my band I used to get my blood flowing before any sports or other blood flowing event needed. Needless to say they didn’t let us down. We also participated in the mosh pit. I had so much fun but boy my body was not a happy camper the next day. It’s good to remember that you still have it at almost 40 but you only have it for a day. Ha ha

If you know me at all you know I’m real, not judgmental and try real hard to live a good God-fearing life. You also know I still struggle and sometimes do some really idiotic things. Most of the stupid things I do are fear based and have nothing to do with the way God sees me but the way I feel and look at myself based on the past me. Its start with a real dumb thought and the next thing you know I’m burning down my life. Then I just pray the next day I wake up and I’ve snapped out of it. Saturday night hanging out with my buddy J. and he said something that stirred a feeling about how my trust in people or lack there of comes from ex marriage. It really made me think that man I thought I had come further than that. He was right though but it kept stirring and truthfully pissed me off Not at him but me. as the night went on I acted like I was okay and I wasn’t. We then went to another venue and ran into a friend that I love to death. Heard a story about how he was doing and it made me hurt for him so much. I got actually upset at that point that I was visually and verbally losing my temper. I was having a conversation and prayed God would settle my heart down but to avail. ( I know I’m leaving out details but I have some cleaning up of what I did so I won’t mention names). I wont apologize for what I said but I will apologize for what I did. We actually got into a physical altercation in the parking . It was truly all my fault. I should have walked away but I didn’t. It was the first time in 4 years I lost my head. I know my temper and have done great keeping me under wraps. All as I can say is I’m sorry to my buddy but not sure that will work. I’m still waiting!

So where did it come from: It came from the parts of me that made me think that my opinion or thoughts didn’t matter, I wasn’t important, that maybe I wasn’t who I thought I was. Sunday I drove to Waco so I had sometime to process and clear my head. The devil is real and if you don’t always keep your guard up Satan walks in and attacks everything he knows that you fear. He can kill so much inside you and Saturday night Devil 1- Tyler-0. I’m so embarrassed by my actions but after much thought it’s another on my list of actions that I will get to the bottom of and grow from. God never said don’t sin , he asked us to be convicted of them. Here I am raising both hands knowing full well its a mistake and that won’t happen again as long as I follow his path and not mine. Sometimes the ones that are perceived to be the strongest get the least support because people believe they don’t need it. I for one accept any and all support because I can’t do this by myself.  I blew it Saturday so here’s to being the man I am not the one I used to be. Thanks!!





Love Is Holding

19 07 2015

Originally posted on Lessons From the End of a Marriage:

Always good to remember…

We push people away because we are afraid of letting them in and being hurt when they leave.

We grasp on to people that are not good for us because we are afraid of being alone and someone is better than no one.

Pushing and pulling are fear, not love.

Love is holding.

Loosely enough so that each person has the freedom to grow and change.

And firmly enough so that each person knows they are supported.

It is trusting the other person enough that they want to stay even if they have the ability to leave.

And trusting yourself that you will be okay if they do.

Love Doesn't End

View original





Day 903 He’s not done with me yet

18 07 2015

On Tuesday of this week I was in a car accident. I was making a left hand turn and a lady ran the red light at 55. Its one of those moments where I started to turn and then I saw her coming and all I could say was oh crap. She spun me around 360 degrees I was facing the other direction. I could see that I was facing the wrong way and all my airbags had deployed, my car stopped running, Onstar was trying to talk to me and needless to say I was confused for a bit. I kept asking OnStar how they got into my car. I was dripping in sweat because of adrenaline but the AC was off too. My kids weren’t with me which was the biggest blessing because it would have hit on their side. I didn’t know what to do so I just sat there for a minute I wanted to check myself out but thought I was hurt so I just sat still.I started feeling around and throwing glass off of me. My stomach and shoulder hurt but I was just bleeding from my hand and the airbag was upsetting me so I cut it out of way. I started getting out of my car and the fire department was there and he was trying to help me get my door open. He said what are you doing. I said getting out of this car its hot in here. He said how are you getting out. I said I’m about to walk out if you move, but he said have you seen your car. I said no but I’ve been hit harder in a rugby or delivered a bigger hit. He said  wow man your supposed to be here. I got out called my buddy Jim and asked him to come get me. I then walked around the car and just shook my head. I couldn’t believe that I was hit that hard and at that speed and I was okay.

I put this part into not to brag but to show how far I’ve come as a man. The lady was hysterical she was yelling its my fault, I don’t have insurance, and I’m so sorry. My natural instincts and new heart took over. I just grabbed her and told her I love you its okay. She pulled back and said why are you saying its okay. I said because it’s an accident, I’ve had many times I hadn’t paid attention in the car to. I told her don’t worry its money and its all going to be okay. Please go get looked at! I hugged her one more time and she said you okay. I said my stomach hurts but otherwise Im good.  I started grabbing crap out of my car which looked like my son was let loose inside. My buddy Jim got there said you sure your okay you should get to the hospital. I’m good man I know my body well. He didn’t argue just drove me to get a rental car and then he picked up my kids. While standing in the rental car line I showed him my stomach and he said yep that’s going to hurt. He also said something else: Nobody walks away from that except you.

So after processing my thoughts here is what I’ve come up with. God’s not finished me yet. You might be saying stop being dramatic but its true. I’ve seen people die in wrecks a lot smaller. I walked away and was able to love someone who 5 years ago I would have went ballistic and lost it on the lady. It was just a reminder that when I doubt my purpose, my significance, or does God love me. I get a wink and told absolutely Tyler Wood you are one of my warriors carry on. So here’s to no more wrecks and a new car. Sad thing  is that car was only two weeks old. So here’s to even a newer car. Have a great weekend.





Day 903 He’s not done with me yet

17 07 2015

On Tuesday of this I was in a car accident. I was making a left hand turn and a lady ran the red light at 55. Its one of those moments where I started to turn and then I saw her coming and all I could say was oh crap. She spun me around 360 degrees I was facing the other direction. I could see that I was facing the wrong way and all my airbags had deployed, my car stopped running, Onstar was trying to talk to me and needless to say I was confused for a bit. I kept asking OnStar how they got into my car. I was dripping in sweat because of adrenaline but the AC was off too. My kids weren’t with me which was the biggest blessing because it would have hit on their side. I didn’t know what to do so I just sat there for a minute I wanted to check myself out but thought I was hurt so I just sat still.I started feeling around and throwing glass off of me. My stomach and shoulder hurt but I was just bleeding from my hand and the airbag was upsetting me so I cut it out of way. I started getting out of my car and the fire department was there and he was trying to help me get my door open. He said what are you doing. I said getting out of this car its hot in here. He said how are you getting out. I said I’m about to walk out if you move, but he said have you seen your car. I said no but I’ve been hit harder in a rugby or delivered a bigger hit. He said  wow man your supposed to be here. I got out called my buddy Jim and asked him to come get me. I then walked around the car and just shook my head. I couldn’t believe that I was hit that hard and at that speed and I was okay.

I put this part into not to brag but to show how far I’ve come as a man. The lady was hysterical she was yelling its my fault, I don’t have insurance, and I’m so sorry. My natural instincts and new heart took over. I just grabbed her and told her I love you its okay. She pulled back and said why are you saying its okay. I said because it’s an accident, I’ve had many times I hadn’t paid attention in the car to. I told her don’t worry its money and its all going to be okay. Please go get looked at! I hugged her one more time and she said you okay. I said my stomach hurts but otherwise Im good.  I started grabbing crap out of my car which looked like my son was let loose inside. My buddy Jim got there said you sure your okay you should get to the hospital. I’m good man I know my body well. He didn’t argue just drove me to get a rental car and then he picked up my kids. While standing in the rental car line I showed him my stomach and he said yep that’s going to hurt. He also said something else: Nobody walks away from that except you.

So after processing my thoughts here is what I’ve come up with. God’s not finished me yet. You might be saying stop being dramatic but its true. I’ve seen people die in wrecks a lot smaller. I walked away and was able to love someone who 5 years ago I would have went ballistic and lost it on the lady. It was just a reminder that when I doubt my purpose, my significance, or does God love me. I get a wink and told absolutely Tyler Wood you are one of my warriors carry on. So here’s to no more wrecks and a new car. Sad thing  is that car was only two weeks old. So here’s to even a newer car. Have a great weekend.








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