Day 1411 It cant be you

2 01 2017

Happy new year blog peeps. I can’t believe its 2017. When I graduated high school in 1994 making it the year 2000 seamed impossible, Now 17 years from that date. I’m here bald and better looking than before. Okay I’m bald at least.

Resolutions and all the other January not going to happen things is not why I’m writing this. I’m writing this to show you all the crap we believe we can’t do and here is my list to show why I can. Im just a normal guy like you. You have over come as much or more than me. Please list what you have overcome and stop for the love of God telling yourself why you can’t or you live in fear.

I was thinking the last 2 weeks about why I’m not exactly where I want to be in my life. I don’t say can’t but if it’s not happening I must not believe it. So I started listing out these things in my life:

I started out in life with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck and came out feet first.
I had a blood disorder for 8 weeks and bleed out of my eye and ear.
Diarrhea for 11 weeks as a baby
My first concussion and 12 stitches above my eye at 5.

My dad and I almost drowned at the lake at 6 years old after our boat flipped over
7 years old broke my orbital bone under my left eye wont be able to see  Everything was blury for 6 months.
Broke my femur in the growth plate my leg stopped growing, 2 weeks later bone was growing wrong had to re-brake and reset. He wont play sports again
Got an infection month 6 into the bone healing and fever got to 107 I almost died.
My dad became disabled in 8th grade and never worked again. All Christmas presents and anything of value we had was pawned or taken from us
9th grade 2 scopes on my knee
10th grade had my left legged shortened to match my right by 2.5 inches I would never play sports again
11th grade total reconstruction of my knee
Dreams shattered because I was injury prone colleges didn’t want me.
Left one college to the next to try to  catch the answers when I was the answer.
19 Years old beaten up so bad lost 2 pints of blood
2 abortions
21 years old The girl I loved left me
27 years old total reconstruction of my left knee
29 years old my dad dies
35 years old business and personal bankruptcy
Lost my business
Lost my best friend
Lost full custody of my kids
36 years old lost my marriage
36 years old Lost my house, dignity, and my life, all hopes and dreams shattered
36 years old tried to take my life
40 years old lost my best friend and unconditional love in my life my mom.


Day 1392 My first Christmas without my mom

14 12 2016

Merry Christmas! These last 2 months have been crazy. Trying to balance it all and dealing with the holidays have been tough but today I wanted to write/blog.  I hope you realize how great my mom was. Until the next one!

I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since my mom left us to go be with my dad in heaven on 12-29-15 .  Christmas will never be the same but how I appreciate her so much more now which I didn’t know was possible.

Christmas are the best memories of my mom. when we were younger and finances were better we were spoiled. my parents had a hard time saying no. We got what we asked for. so much so my dad told  years later my mom drove 4 hrs to Oklahoma city to get Junkyard Dog wrestling figure  an 8 hr trip for a $20 dollar toy.
starting in 8th grade my dad became disabled and we tried to live on a teacher’s salary .  nobody knew we were poor my mom didn’t allow for it. i never knew sometimes how were going to eat but things worked out . after my freshman year of high school I stopped asking for things. I didn’t want to ask for things because I felt selfish. When Christmas started rolling around mom asked over and over just tell me just one thing you want. Finally after she tried to rip my ear off I would tell her but told her I never expected anything, what you  do for us is enough. then Christmas morning Santa always came. I never could grasp how in the hell when we struggled to eat sometimes how she did it.
When I got to the point I appreciated my parents in my late 20’s I sat down one day and said how did you do it.
She said you always sacrifice and you try you damnedest  to never let your kids down. She said you sell things, you ask favors, you  drop your pride. which I told I promise you never did let us down . I have so many stories of her undying sacrifice ,  love, her heart of gold, her love of other people.
I have no idea how she juggled the job of a wife caring for a disabled husband, an amazing mother,  a school teacher, a friend, daughter, sister, super woman, a great cook, a disciplinarian, the loudest fan at her kids games, the first one to offer to help and then do it and finally the jolliest, most giving Santa Claus, whose  toy bag always  had the right toy in it every time.
This Christmas will never be the same but what she taught me on Christmas  is one thing I will cherish and pass along forever .

I miss you daddy

4 12 2016

Last night we were able to watch the premiere of the father effect documentary. it was 4 years in the works by my amazingly talented friend John Finch. My part in the documentary was 4 years ago. I was so new to discovering myself and rising from  the ashes  that watching it brought tears to my eyes at least 4 times. 

I was very thankful  to John to put me in as much as getting did

Day 1361 You cant see it

9 11 2016

The election is over and we survived. I think most people did. I wish people cared about their own lives as much as they care about things they have no control over. It’s a lesson we as a people may never understand or follow. In my short 41 years I see people fighting over politics trying to change someone else’s mind but they will continue to go to a job everyday they hate and they have control over it.

If I had my life to live over again I wouldn’t need to see it. I would just do it.  What are you talking about Tyler? We resist change because we have to see the whole staircase put together but until we do life stays the same. We wake up unhappy, stay in turbulent times, continue making the same mistakes, not wanting to deal with pain of rejection, failure, criticize  , losing, defeat, not being liked etc.  So we duck the pain popping up to see if the staircase is complete then we think we will walk right over and take the world by the private parts. Martin Luther King said that faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole staircase. Think about how many things in life you didn’t do because you didn’t the end of the road or top of the staircase. Life is about pain you can’t hide from it. So we think lets not take the step and therefore I don’t get hurt. That’s such a lie because of the regret of life is the hardest to cope with and it never is forgotten.

Most us go through life trying to pretend it okay when it’s not. Hoping we please someone else that can’t please themselves. Rather than saying I listened to them long enough and I know what I’ve already lost and now I’m going to do what is best for me. There is a quote not sure who from but it goes something like this: Courage is what feels most right for you! Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste death but once. Meaning they taste the fear but move forward.

Please today take the leap of faith, build the staircase one step at a time, start putting the puzzle together. You already know what its like to live in pain and fear and all we’ve done is created more fear and deep seeded pain. Where our lives are right now is just now they can be so much better. Think about the mistakes we’ve made, the destruction we created and look how far we have come. Since tomorrow isn’t promised now is a great time to start. Love you!

101 Completely Normal Thoughts to Have During Divorce

1 11 2016

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

  1. My life is over.
  2. So this is what feeling gutted feels like.
  3. The bed feels so empty. Cold.
  4. There’s nobody to complain about crumbs in the bed. Cookies!
  5. Ugh. Now I’m bloated and still sad.
  6. Am I going to be alone forever?
  7. I could sell everything and leave the country. Start over on some beach somewhere.
  8. But that’s too much work. It’s hard enough just to get the weekly groceries.
  9. Besides, that was the dream we had together.
  10. Jerk.
  11. I want to kill my ex.
  12. I want my ex back.
  13. No, scratch that. I want my ex to want me back so that I can tell them to screw off.
  14. What am I going to tell people?
  15. I wish I had a publicity agent like Jolie and Pitt to handle that.
  16. But then I’d have cameras in my face during all of this.
  17. Ugh. My face is all puffy and…

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Day 1348 Does Im sorry work

27 10 2016

Hello again peeps. Another wonderful summer day  at the end of October with a high of 88. I really wish I knew what seasons were I read about them in the picture books but they don’t seem to be real lol. Just FYI it’s just stupid how expensive Halloween costumes are for something that kids wear one time and then goes into a box forever. At least we get candy on the 31st so score one for us kids that are adults now.

I’m sorry one set of the most powerful words in the English language. We usually mean it sometimes we hope it saves us but mostly we mean it. Are there things that we do that no matter what I’m sorry just doesn’t matter? This past Saturday I had one of the toughest days I’ve had in 5 years. You think you’ve over come your demons and sometimes they take a giant crap on your head. I didn’t hurt anyone else I promise but I did destroy myself some.  We get isolated with out thoughts and then bam. I know better, I know that if I think negative, think I’m unworthy, think Im unlovable that nobody will miss me, then your mind has nothing to do but believe what your feeding it. Lucky for so many of us we have a moment of clarity and we wake up and think what in the hell was going on there. Why did I think those thoughts, why lead me to here. Why would I do that to the people I love. The reason is that were human and sometimes we believe the devil more than we believe Jesus. After the people you’re close to find out your thoughts you say your sorry and you mean it but then the question comes do they believe your sorry.

It’s not like the boy crying wolf its more they know your sorry but its easier not to accept the apology because then you don’t have to feel hurt by them again.  Nobody likes to repeat their mistakes but we do. Sorry is great to hear when it’s not the same mistake but when it becomes 1, 2, 3 times does I’m sorry fall on deaf ears. I really have no answer to this because its dependent on the person being apologize to.

Anyway I wanted to blog and that was my thought for that moment. Until the next crazy mind thought comes through: Love you

Why “Too Good” Isn’t Actually Good For Us

20 10 2016

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

I live in a safe, suburban area. Runners don’t hesitate to fill the streets in the predawn dark and teenagers walk to their friend’s homes at night. Cars often remain unlocked and garage doors stay open for much of the day. When unclaimed dogs are found roaming, they are swiftly rescued, usually followed swiftly by a happy homecoming.

It’s good. Maybe too good.

I am a member of the local NextDoor app (super cool – check it out!). It’s handy for finding someone to repair drywall or to help locate the owner of those roaming dogs.

And it’s also useful for sounding the alarm when it’s needed.

As recently seemed to be the case. A story was posted about a man in a van (sounds like some twisted Dr. Seuss book, doesn’t it?) that was trying to grab children on their way home from school. People panicked. Kids were…

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