Day 885 I’m going to be famous

30 06 2015

Are you a fan of pizza? If you are I need your input on all the different types of pizza and the best ones. I never knew all the types but I got an education and now I’m ready for opinions but next blog. We had a tremendous weekend with our Rock Bottom Family and my little babies got to experience it as well. We got to go to sunny south Dallas and administer 200 backpacks and 100 hygiene packs. Mostly we got to love on people and my kids are turning into some of the best. Not only with hugs but to take the lead and love on others when society says don’t do that. I’m a super proud daddy.

After our radio show last Monday I got some of the negative feedback that rolls with doing what we do but almost all of it was positive. Two people who I would consider very good friends mentioned you’re going to be famous very soon based on your speaking and radio appearances.. I smiled and started processing that thought because that’s what I do. Most of my life I wanted to be famous either as a football, rugby player or stand-up comedian. I wanted people to worship the ground I walked on. All the names in lights, the money, the free stuff, and mostly the pick of women. I dreamed about it as a little kid, for a long time I thought it might happen then the dreams shattered and I wanted it more. I knew I was capable. How would it be to snap your fingers and get people to do what you wanted because they feared you and not respect you. At one time in my remodeling business I won Top 12 under 40 year remodelers in the United States. I thought I’m on my way. I’m going to be the go to guy, this will bring me more money, fame and you never know will it will lead.  Well it all eventually lead to my trying to take my life because of how I thought I failed. Through all of that what I wasn’t was remembered. The one thing you can’t control is being famous, I mean we have the Kardishans, the Hilton’s and various other people who have no talent and are famous. I mean grumpy cat is famous and he just was born with a grumpy face. Society dictates whose famous and its usually for the wrong reasons.

My two friends and anybody else that thinks Im going to be famous. I mean this thank you but I honestly I could care less. What I want is to be remembered. I want in my everyday walk in life for people to say that’s a tremendous man of God, he was an amazing father, one of the best husbands that walked  the earth, and real and genuine. When my funeral comes hopefully many years from now that there are so many people lined up they close down the streets to tell my children that your dad  loved God,  he was the best friend, son, brother, he believed in me when I couldn’t, he change my life, he loved me, he gave me what he didn’t have, and you should be proud of the man he was.  If that makes me famous I’ll sign up for that. The money, fame, name  in lights is about me, what I just mentioned is about God. Ill never forget when my dad passed away they talked about he did for others not the stuff he had. If I’m striving for the stuff I’ll get it but I know the outcome, if Im striving to be a warrior for God, with a broken past, foul mouth, wounded heart and people come to know Jesus through that I’ll be what I was designed for. I just want my kids to look people in the eye and say my dad was famous because he loved us and were proud of him. You can have your Hollywood I’ll take my Morgan and Brayden everyday!





Day 885 I’m going to be famous

29 06 2015

Are you a fan of pizza? If you are I need your input on all the different types of pizza and the best ones. I never knew all the types but I got an education and now I’m ready for opinions but next blog. We had a tremendous weekend with our Rock Bottom Family and my little babies got to experience it as well. We got to go to sunny south Dallas and administer 200 backpacks and 100 hygiene packs. Mostly we got to love on people and my kids are turning into some of the best. Not only with hugs but to take the lead and love on others when society says don’t do that. I’m a super proud daddy.

After our radio show last Monday I got some of the negative feedback that rolls with doing what we do but almost all of it was positive. Two people who I would consider very good friends mentioned you’re going to be famous very soon based on your speaking and radio appearances.. I smiled and started processing that thought because that’s what I do. Most of my life I wanted to be famous either as a football, rugby player or stand-up comedian. I wanted people to worship the ground I walked on. All the names in lights, the money, the free stuff, and mostly the pick of women. I dreamed about it as a little kid, for a long time I thought it might happen then the dreams shattered and I wanted it more. I knew I was capable. How would it be to snap your fingers and get people to do what you wanted because they feared you and not respect you. At one time in my remodeling business I won Top 12 under 40 year remodelers in the United States. I thought I’m on my way. I’m going to be the go to guy, this will bring me more money, fame and you never know will it will lead.  Well it all eventually lead to my trying to take my life because of how I thought I failed. Through all of that what I wasn’t was remembered. The one thing you can’t control is being famous, I mean we have the Kardishans, the Hilton’s and various other people who have no talent and are famous. I mean grumpy cat is famous and he just was born with a grumpy face. Society dictates whose famous and its usually for the wrong reasons.

My two friends and anybody else that thinks Im going to be famous. I mean this thank you but I honestly I could care less. What I want is to be remembered. I want in my everyday walk in life for people to say that’s a tremendous man of God, he was an amazing father, one of the best husbands that walked  the earth, and real and genuine. When my funeral comes hopefully many years from now that there are so many people lined up they close down the streets to tell my children that your dad  loved God,  he was the best friend, son, brother, he believed in me when I couldn’t, he change my life, he loved me, he gave me what he didn’t have, and you should be proud of the man he was.  If that makes me famous I’ll sign up for that. The money, fame, name  in lights is about me, what I just mentioned is about God. Ill never forget when my dad passed away they talked about he did for others not the stuff he had. If I’m striving for the stuff I’ll get it but I know the outcome, if Im striving to be a warrior for God, with a broken past, foul mouth, wounded heart and people come to know Jesus through that I’ll be what I was designed for. I just want my kids to look people in the eye and say my dad was famous because he loved us and were proud of him. You can have your Hollywood I’ll take my Morgan and Brayden everyday!





Day 881 This is really hard sometimes

25 06 2015

My buddy Jim and I went to the Texas Rangers game last night for dollar hot-dog night. I was so pumped to eat so many hot dogs I threw up. Well I’m sad to report that I ate 3. Yep only three it’s just a sign Im getting old and hot dog are not what I imagined them to be. Rangers lost 8-2 and I laughed a bunch and that’s all that matters..

I can speak for the people close to me and my family within Rock Bottom life is a journey. Some of it has been simply amazing, the day I was married, the day my daughter and son were laid in my arms the first time, the day I got my first job out of college, when my dad said he was proud of me, when my daughter said I could stop apologizing and she was proud of me. Those are just a few of the great moments in my life but like I said its a journey. I spent more of my life in the valley, grabbing a hold of rocks and slipping down the hill, left in my own tears, watching them lower my father into the ground, telling my kids we were getting a divorce, finding out my mom had Parkinson’s, walking out of the courthouse the day of my divorce, pulling up to the hill in Aubrey Texas to take my life. I would go back further but not to bore you. Many days I wake up having no clue what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I just trust that I’m hearing God right and let him guide me because when I followed my own way I feel into a pit and sometimes I do still. Sometimes when I hot publish on this blog, I know my trolls are about to attack. I know when I speak or post on my Facebook page Im going to get good and bad. When I speak on the radio some person is not going to agree and the verbal and personal jabs are going to hurt. Then comes yesterday!

I posted the following yesterday: Show a man his failures without Jesus, and the result will be found in a roadside gutter. Give a man religion without reminding him of his filth, and the result will be arrogance in a three-piece suit. But get the two in the same heart – get sin to meet Savior and Savior to meet sin – and the result might just be another Pharisee turned preacher who sets the world on fire.
Max Lucado
Romans 10:9-10 (NASU)
That if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.

Two people who I have been friends with over 30 years began an onslaught of things from my past: You’re a lying fool, I remember when you pulled a gun, when you passed drugs to someone, when you beat up that guy, etc.. He pulled all my past and then stated your “Jesus” didn’t save your marriage  or the things that went with it, like your dad, your business etc.. He said I listened to your radio show on Monday and just laughed you and everyone with Rock bottom are just a bunch of attention seeking whores that are just going to hurt more than you help. I didn’t say much more than you must be trying to find something because you listened to the show and you follow me closer than most. I said I all I can do is pray for you and love. He said no need I wont be a part of your crap anymore. 30 minutes later A girl I “dated” on and off for 2 years from high school to college texted me and I got the same words essentially.  She left me these words do remember what you did to me how many more did it happen to or now. It’s like they were talking over coffee and said let’s get this SOB. That they did!

So what did it do? It made me question me more than I ever have. Yes I know it’s not the truth and its two broken people trying to attack someone in a place they can’t be right now. Very true they know my past garbage but I’m not that man anymore. I know Im not perfect and Im not trying to be. God didn’t say don’t sin, he said confess your sins. Rick with Rock bottom and I talk often how we are held to a standard of perfection and we will never be able to do that. When we don’t I promise I beat myself up enough. I am convicted now and that’s better than I ever was. Jesus walked the earth and was lied about, ridicule, and eventually they beat the crap out of him , poked holes in his body and hung him to die. So why would I think I should be treated any different? I don’t, it’s just really hard sometimes when your trying to live your life right and then you get beaten down so bad.

I know what I signed up for. I would never change any of it. I wish I could make everyone I know that I hurt that I was sorry and they believed it but that’s not on me. I have said all I can say. I ask you this: If you have people in your life that are trying to better themselves please stop beating them over the head with their past. They know much better than you how they screwed up. Give them a chance to show you and listen to them be Jesus to you because it maybe the only Jesus you see in an earthly form. If what they are saying to you indirectly or directly is affecting you it might be time to listen.

Please don’t feel sorry for me I have enough warriors on my side to get me through my journey but if this bothers you and it upsets you, I always have room for more on my journey…





Day 881 This is really hard sometimes

25 06 2015

My buddy Jim and I went to the Texas Rangers game last night for dollar hot-dog night. I was so pumped to eat so many hot dogs I threw up. Well I’m sad to report that I ate 3. Yep only three it’s just a sign Im getting old and hot dog are not what I imagined them to be. Rangers lost 8-2 and I laughed a bunch and that’s all that matters..

I can speak for the people close to me and my family within Rock Bottom life is a journey. Some of it has been simply amazing, the day I was married, the day my daughter and son were laid in my arms the first time, the day I got my first job out of college, when my dad said he was proud of me, when my daughter said I could stop apologizing and she was proud of me. Those are just a few of the great moments in my life but like I said its a journey. I spent more of my life in the valley, grabbing a hold of rocks and slipping down the hill, left in my own tears, watching them lower my father into the ground, telling my kids we were getting a divorce, finding out my mom had Parkinson’s, walking out of the courthouse the day of my divorce, pulling up to the hill in Aubrey Texas to take my life. I would go back further but not to bore you. Many days I wake up having no clue what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I just trust that I’m hearing God right and let him guide me because when I followed my own way I feel into a pit and sometimes I do still. Sometimes when I hot publish on this blog, I know my trolls are about to attack. I know when I speak or post on my Facebook page Im going to get good and bad. When I speak on the radio some person is not going to agree and the verbal and personal jabs are going to hurt. Then comes yesterday!

I posted the following yesterday: Show a man his failures without Jesus, and the result will be found in a roadside gutter. Give a man religion without reminding him of his filth, and the result will be arrogance in a three-piece suit. But get the two in the same heart – get sin to meet Savior and Savior to meet sin – and the result might just be another Pharisee turned preacher who sets the world on fire.
Max Lucado
Romans 10:9-10 (NASU)
That if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.

Two people who I have been friends with over 30 years began an onslaught of things from my past: You’re a lying fool, I remember when you pulled a gun, when you passed drugs to someone, when you beat up that guy, etc.. He pulled all my past and then stated your “Jesus” didn’t save your marriage  or the things that went with it, like your dad, your business etc.. He said I listened to your radio show on Monday and just laughed you and everyone with Rock bottom are just a bunch of attention seeking whores that are just going to hurt more than you help. I didn’t say much more than you must be trying to find something because you listened to the show and you follow me closer than most. I said I all I can do is pray for you and love. He said no need I wont be a part of your crap anymore. 30 minutes later A girl I “dated” on and off for 2 years from high school to college texted me and I got the same words essentially.  She left me these words do remember what you did to me how many more did it happen to or now. It’s like they were talking over coffee and said let’s get this SOB. That they did!

So what did it do? It made me question me more than I ever have. Yes I know it’s not the truth and its two broken people trying to attack someone in a place they can’t be right now. Very true they know my past garbage but I’m not that man anymore. I know Im not perfect and Im not trying to be. God didn’t say don’t sin, he said confess your sins. Rick with Rock bottom and I talk often how we are held to a standard of perfection and we will never be able to do that. When we don’t I promise I beat myself up enough. I am convicted now and that’s better than I ever was. Jesus walked the earth and was lied about, ridicule, and eventually they beat the crap out of him , poked holes in his body and hung him to die. So why would I think I should be treated any different? I don’t, it’s just really hard sometimes when your trying to live your life right and then you get beaten down so bad.

I know what I signed up for. I would never change any of it. I wish I could make everyone I know that I hurt that I was sorry and they believed it but that’s not on me. I have said all I can say. I ask you this: If you have people in your life that are trying to better themselves please stop beating them over the head with their past. They know much better than you how they screwed up. Give them a chance to show you and listen to them be Jesus to you because it maybe the only Jesus you see in an earthly form. If what they are saying to you indirectly or directly is affecting you it might be time to listen.

Please don’t feel sorry for me I have enough warriors on my side to get me through my journey but if this bothers you and it upsets you, I always have room for more on my journey…





Day 879 The one that got away

24 06 2015

Yesterday I had a tremendous honor of being able to go with the two members of the Rock Bottom team and head down to Jennings Louisiana and do a radio show on HLE radio: hleradio.com. We were able to give our testimony and tell about what Rock bottom was doing. It was pretty amazing to find out today that 61,500 people listened to the show. Just to know by telling our story that we were able to reach that many and possibly one person could change their life is truly and amazing God story. Through that I was kind of emotional. Sometimes just knowing what you have been delivered through can bring out your emotions. Most times the encouragement is great and it was yesterday. One of my friends said man nobody really knows you. They have no clue the stories and life you had to get you to the point of telling how you were sitting in front of a microphone. You have a blog, and this outlet and its time to start sharing those stories that are an amazing part of you so people can relate to how you got here. I thought a lot about it on our 6.5 drive home and so I will start sharing a few of those in my blog. By no means can I share all of them in a public forum Lord only knows what would happen. So I’ll share the clean stuff or what clean means to me. Some of you may have heard this story in my early blog career so bear with me:

The one who got away: In 1997 I had been dating a girl who I “loved” and thought I was going to marry. We had struggles like most relationships in college, but nothing I thought we couldn’t work through. We took a trip for Spring break in March of 1997 to Puerto Vallarta Mexico. I worked three jobs to pay for it so I truly earned it. To clear up this story pretty quickly. When we got  on the plane to come she dumped me on the plane. Needless to say this didn’t go well. Once we landed I took her to my place in a tirade we got her stuff and I dumped her back at the dorm. This was the start of my downfall. I had been drunk 4 times in my life up to that point and for the next 33 days I was drunk everyday. My heart was broken because MY first love broke my heart. I woke up in a field and had no clue how I had gotten there. I was on the Deans list and honor society in college and i flunked all of my classes that semester. It’s easy to do when you don’t go. I was broken way before then but the was the topper. Some days I woke up and had no clue how I got there or why this gross girl was next to me I usually didn’t know her name and truly didn’t care. At the end of May I had ballooned up to my highest weight ever at 370 lbs and trouble walking and breathing. I had a friend named Laz that just casually mentioned man do you remember when you used to be a bad ass and now you can’t even see your feet. Something sparked in me that day and I decided I had to get better. I enrolled in Summer school and started working out again. Another friend  from high school brought me out to Rugby and over the summer I lost 100 lbs from running until I puked. I looked like I never had in my life and the girls started noticing or at least the girls I wanted to. I started summer school and to say that I tried to punish every girl who came in contact with me because how my heart was broken would be an understand statement. Between summer school and December of that year I was with over 100 women but there was one. Here name was Rebecca G. we had a biology and lab class together. She reminded me of Winnie from the wonder years. She was pre med and home for the summer taking classes. I had a natural draw to her so much she was not one of the 100. I never touched her in that way. Were different I’m an extrovert and she was an introvert, but she was so smart and willing to do the things I did to learn. Over  period of time she stopped dating this guy and she wanted to concentrate on me only. I still drank too much and did things you just shouldn’t do to people. I was a horrible human and manipulated so many women and physically hurt so many men. Rugby was my group of dudes who lived on the edge and did things that you only read about in books. My life was good I thought but still hollow. At the beginning of November she was up for the weekend and we talked and I told her that I wanted her and her only, She said that she was in but I had to stop getting drunk or I was going to kill someone or myself. I promised her and I did. She even took me to meet her parents which they loved me because all parents did. I thought I had found the one until….

I was in a fraternity too during this time and I wanted to go to my last fraternity formal in December. I actually went solo because Rebecca was studying for finals. It was in Austin and she was in Georgetown. I promised by 12 I would be back in Georgetown and we would spend the night together. After getting to the formal I hadn’t drunk in 3 weeks and hadn’t been drunk for 6 weeks. so I  passed on the alcohol but finally around 7 I took a shot of Jim Beam and a bottle and half later I was so drunk I had to be fed at the formal, and I got licks from my little brother in the fraternity and don’t remember it. They try to hurt you so I was embarrassing drunk. They took my keys and wallet from me which I’m so glad they did. I  passed out and when I woke up it was 2:45 in the morning. I never called her and when I found my phone there were 15 missed calls and 7 voice mails. The one I remember said I hope you’re not dead please don’t be dead but if your alive it’s over. I called her 5 times and she answered and I told her I was on my way. She said she didn’t care and she wouldn’t open the door. I got to her place at 4 and I was sitting outside her window crying and begging her to let me in. She finally did and told me to close the door but don’t come any closer. She said you lied to me and I thought you were dead. I’ve cried for 5 hours and you couldn’t call. I explained myself all for not and she said it was time to go. She gave me back a bag of clothes and 3 cards I had given her. I made to trip back to Denton with my heart-broken for a second time and this time no way to stitch it up.

When school started again in January I got a pic from her. It was a date we took on a carriage ride in Highland park looking at Christmas lights. It said I really loved you but your so broken you can’t be loved. I will always think about you! That was it! You know the rest of the story or maybe you don’t. I found my ex-wife in January the same month I got the picture. I thought about her a lot. She was really good to me and I think up until this point one of the very few girls that truly loved me. 3 years ago after my divorced I found her and emailed . She was the Head Pediatric Dr. at Vanderbilt University which had been her dream. My email was long and hers was very short. She said Im truly sorry about your divorce I still think about you and  have always loved you.  Thats the story about the one that got away!!

Thank you





Day 879 The one that got away

23 06 2015

Yesterday I had a tremendous honor of being able to go with the two members of the Rock Bottom team and head down to Jennings Louisiana and do a radio show on HLE radio: hleradio.com. We were able to give our testimony and tell about what Rock bottom was doing. It was pretty amazing to find out today that 61,500 people listened to the show. Just to know by telling our story that we were able to reach that many and possibly one person could change their life is truly and amazing God story. Through that I was kind of emotional. Sometimes just knowing what you have been delivered through can bring out your emotions. Most times the encouragement is great and it was yesterday. One of my friends said man nobody really knows you. They have no clue the stories and life you had to get you to the point of telling how you were sitting in front of a microphone. You have a blog, and this outlet and its time to start sharing those stories that are an amazing part of you so people can relate to how you got here. I thought a lot about it on our 6.5 drive home and so I will start sharing a few of those in my blog. By no means can I share all of them in a public forum Lord only knows what would happen. So I’ll share the clean stuff or what clean means to me. Some of you may have heard this story in my early blog career so bear with me:

The one who got away: In 1997 I had been dating a girl who I “loved” and thought I was going to marry. We had struggles like most relationships in college, but nothing I thought we couldn’t work through. We took a trip for Spring break in March of 1997 to Puerto Vallarta Mexico. I worked three jobs to pay for it so I truly earned it. To clear up this story pretty quickly. When we got  on the plane to come she dumped me on the plane. Needless to say this didn’t go well. Once we landed I took her to my place in a tirade we got her stuff and I dumped her back at the dorm. This was the start of my downfall. I had been drunk 4 times in my life up to that point and for the next 33 days I was drunk everyday. My heart was broken because MY first love broke my heart. I woke up in a field and had no clue how I had gotten there. I was on the Deans list and honor society in college and i flunked all of my classes that semester. It’s easy to do when you don’t go. I was broken way before then but the was the topper. Some days I woke up and had no clue how I got there or why this gross girl was next to me I usually didn’t know her name and truly didn’t care. At the end of May I had ballooned up to my highest weight ever at 370 lbs and trouble walking and breathing. I had a friend named Laz that just casually mentioned man do you remember when you used to be a bad ass and now you can’t even see your feet. Something sparked in me that day and I decided I had to get better. I enrolled in Summer school and started working out again. Another friend  from high school brought me out to Rugby and over the summer I lost 100 lbs from running until I puked. I looked like I never had in my life and the girls started noticing or at least the girls I wanted to. I started summer school and to say that I tried to punish every girl who came in contact with me because how my heart was broken would be an understand statement. Between summer school and December of that year I was with over 100 women but there was one. Here name was Rebecca G. we had a biology and lab class together. She reminded me of Winnie from the wonder years. She was pre med and home for the summer taking classes. I had a natural draw to her so much she was not one of the 100. I never touched her in that way. Were different I’m an extrovert and she was an introvert, but she was so smart and willing to do the things I did to learn. Over  period of time she stopped dating this guy and she wanted to concentrate on me only. I still drank too much and did things you just shouldn’t do to people. I was a horrible human and manipulated so many women and physically hurt so many men. Rugby was my group of dudes who lived on the edge and did things that you only read about in books. My life was good I thought but still hollow. At the beginning of November she was up for the weekend and we talked and I told her that I wanted her and her only, She said that she was in but I had to stop getting drunk or I was going to kill someone or myself. I promised her and I did. She even took me to meet her parents which they loved me because all parents did. I thought I had found the one until….

I was in a fraternity too during this time and I wanted to go to my last fraternity formal in December. I actually went solo because Rebecca was studying for finals. It was in Austin and she was in Georgetown. I promised by 12 I would be back in Georgetown and we would spend the night together. After getting to the formal I hadn’t drunk in 3 weeks and hadn’t been drunk for 6 weeks. so I  passed on the alcohol but finally around 7 I took a shot of Jim Beam and a bottle and half later I was so drunk I had to be fed at the formal, and I got licks from my little brother in the fraternity and don’t remember it. They try to hurt you so I was embarrassing drunk. They took my keys and wallet from me which I’m so glad they did. I  passed out and when I woke up it was 2:45 in the morning. I never called her and when I found my phone there were 15 missed calls and 7 voice mails. The one I remember said I hope you’re not dead please don’t be dead but if your alive it’s over. I called her 5 times and she answered and I told her I was on my way. She said she didn’t care and she wouldn’t open the door. I got to her place at 4 and I was sitting outside her window crying and begging her to let me in. She finally did and told me to close the door but don’t come any closer. She said you lied to me and I thought you were dead. I’ve cried for 5 hours and you couldn’t call. I explained myself all for not and she said it was time to go. She gave me back a bag of clothes and 3 cards I had given her. I made to trip back to Denton with my heart-broken for a second time and this time no way to stitch it up.

When school started again in January I got a pic from her. It was a date we took on a carriage ride in Highland park looking at Christmas lights. It said I really loved you but your so broken you can’t be loved. I will always think about you! That was it! You know the rest of the story or maybe you don’t. I found my ex-wife in January the same month I got the picture. I thought about her a lot. She was really good to me and I think up until this point one of the very few girls that truly loved me. 3 years ago after my divorced I found her and emailed . She was the Head Pediatric Dr. at Vanderbilt University which had been her dream. My email was long and hers was very short. She said Im truly sorry about your divorce I still think about you and  have always loved you.  Thats the story about the one that got away!!

Thank you





Day 877 I know what I did wrong as a father

22 06 2015

Happy Sunday and Happy Fathers day. Its one of the best days of the year for me but also one of the toughest.  In about 2 hours I get my babies and my mom, sister and nephew get together to laugh, make fun of my mom because she’s an easy target and remember my dad. Then off to Jennings Louisiana to d0 a 7:00 am radio show with Rock Bottom Outreach team. Busy day but couldn’t ask for more.

This day is great for many. They had the best fathers and can only heap praise on their father. For you you’re in a rare place and hold on to that. For so many Fathers day is a tough day! Maybe because your dad has passed away, he was an abuser, absent, physically or verbally, a womanizer, he was a drunk, a drug user etc. Or your ex was a crappy dad, to your kids, and a bad spouse, and just never made it as a man. More people feel this way and today stinks for many Today  call ur old man. Tell him you love, tell him you forgive him, he Needs to hear it. He knows the mistakes he made but I promise he loves you. It may never be the way you want but bring peace to ur heart. Do it while you can.

Here’s why: The 14 years I was married there a few times I felt I was a good dad but I mean only a few. I struggled so much with my faults, my worthless feelings, a crappy provider, a failure,  bitterness towards my father, I was there physically but not mentally, that it was almost impossible to feel I could have been a good dad. I could promise you this: If you asked me why I wasn’t a good father I could have told you in about 20 secs all the reasons. I always knew. I mean I could spew off to you always why I wasn’t. My heart hurt about it and I wanted to be a great dad so bad. I have never, NEVER, heard a man say when his child was born I can’t wait to be a horrible dad. We usually had bad examples, or friends weren’t good examples so you just get stuck. Fear is crippling and when men aren’t brought up around it, we aren’t born nurturing , we are just handed this precious baby and now your dad. What happens when men are fearful and confused. We run and we already think the mom will be a parent and not screw them up ,so we leave or stop.

The last 6 months of my dad’s life he poured out all of doubts and fears that he had felt about himself and what he thought about who he was as a father. I was 29 years old when died and my whole life I wanted to hear the things he said. He held those thoughts inside him and it literally ate him alive. To hear your father tell you as a broken, scared, fearful 29-year-old boy that he wished he was half the man I was speaks volumes on so many levels. My point is that he knew what he had done wrong, his demons didn’t allow that to change. He told me but he took it to his grave feeling that way.

I had to have my life crumble to pieces right in front of me because of pride, ego, stubbornness and a lack or want to follow God. Through that process of Rock bottom I got to live out everything I had done wrong with my children, I saw what I did to them, but now  by God’s I was able to raise through those ashes, get off of my knees and through the wrong I have worked my butt off to be a great father. I know I still fail my kids but I can say I’m sorry and correct it. My greatest joy in my life, even scared through it ,is knowing I’m a daddy and the love I have for my kids. It took my 36 years to get there but I’m here.

All I can ask is: I don’t know your exact situation with your dad, if he’s alive you have no idea how bad he’s beating himself up over the mistakes he made with you. Today is a day to put a stop to the constant reminder of his failures. Call him, go see him, tell him you forgive and you love him. It may never change one thing but telling him those things is for you so you can move  on. He does love you and might have the worst way in the world of showing it but maybe its time to let him know. God’s in control of how he handles it, pray for him and let your heat finally be at peace.

Thanks for reading!! Love ya








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