Day 940 Its suicide season

24 08 2015

We got a final wrap on summer by taking my entire family to Great Wolf Lodge. For those that don’t know its an indoor water park. I think everyone had the same idea as me and it was packed. It was super cool place though and we even went down a scary slide. My kids are growing up so fast and this is the second time I’ve been there with them and just remembering from the last time made me emotional a bit.

I try to be pretty upbeat when I write my blog! Sometimes I don’t want to but be being positive and still keep it real helps me a lot. I’m hurting today to be honest. Yesterday and today I dealt with 5 different situations that I’m getting used to but it never gets easier. 2 calls that I am about to get a divorced what can I do, one a great man and friend died on the operating table, an addict refusing help, and a suicide.  Being a part of Rock Bottom Outreach we get to see the good  but also the bad. I don’t care who you are you just never get used to anything bad happening to anyone especially over and over. I guess my calling to help counsel people on is divorce, anger and suicide. Sometimes in that order all at once. Since I attempted suicide in 2011 I understand it and how somebody gets there. The worst part and every time it brings up the feelings I felt that August day. I was hopeless, felt that the world was better without me, my kids didn’t need me and that I was unlovable which I seemed to prove daily. Now that I’m a here I get sick when I hear about suicide. Not only for the person but the wreckage it leaves behind. Nobody ever becomes normal again especially the kids. It never makes sense unless you’re the one trying to kill yourself. Reason, and rational thought is gone. Its like the mind switched off and it’s not coming back on.

Yesterday through Facebook I got a message and honestly it shocked me. I pulled over and cried. My friend had just moved for a great opportunity for his wife  and he was going back to coaching. Last time I saw him he seemed like the same guy.  Happy about the opportunity and I just wouldn’t have thought it but……. He hung himself in a tree, his teenage son had to cut him down, and honestly his wife had no clue either. His son never gets the image out of his mind, the wife blames herself, and the other kids are left with a whole that only God and mean only God can heal. Thats 8 people this year that I was close to that had died of suicide. Then I made a Facebook just reminding them how much their loved. People think you wake up and say today  Im going to kill myself!! Thats not true at all, it takes time and hopelessness. It took me 2.5 months to make the decision. The pain that someone carried is absolutely earth shattering if you get to talk to someone who lived through it. After I made the announcement on my FB page three people reached out to me saying they were thinking about it and 4 other people said that they had friends in the past two weeks that had killed themselves. Last night before I closed my eyes I did some research! 22 % of all veterans are killing themselves and the suicide rate of Americans is up  57% for the past 2 years. Who knows if that stats are correct because stats are made up on the spot, but this is true people are  killing themselves at an  alarming rate.

Satan is real my friends and he is kicking a lot of butt now. More people are turning away from God and I have no other answer but God. The only reason I can hit these keys on the is keyboard is because of God. In a time where humans need each other more than ever we isolate more behind, our phone, or computer, when was the last time you just called someone or God forbid went to where they lived and just checked on them. The need to be in community and have a face to face conversation never ended. I think its more important now that ever. Do you remember the last time you had a face to face waked away with a hug and how great that feeling was. I bet when you sent your last text it didn’t feel that way.

Here’s what I know for me: If you have the slightest worry about someone, call them, invite them out, do something. It’s not your job to save anyone I guess but you have no idea the power of your words.

If your thinking about it: I love you, you are loved, you are not your past, you’re not your mistakes, you are a gift and you are needed. I promise you. It doesn’t matter what you thought can’t be fixed it can. Don’t isolate reach out.  If you haven’t prayed Jesus is right next to you. He never left you!

Love you!





Day 940 Its suicide season

23 08 2015

We got a final wrap on summer by taking my entire family to Great Wolf Lodge. For those that don’t know its an indoor water park. I think everyone had the same idea as me and it was packed. It was super cool place though and we even went down a scary slide. My kids are growing up so fast and this is the second time I’ve been there with them and just remembering from the last time made me emotional a bit.

I try to be pretty upbeat when I write my blog! Sometimes I don’t want to but be being positive and still keep it real helps me a lot. I’m hurting today to be honest. Yesterday and today I dealt with 5 different situations that I’m getting used to but it never gets easier. 2 calls that I am about to get a divorced what can I do, one a great man and friend died on the operating table, an addict refusing help, and a suicide.  Being a part of Rock Bottom Outreach we get to see the good  but also the bad. I don’t care who you are you just never get used to anything bad happening to anyone especially over and over. I guess my calling to help counsel people on is divorce, anger and suicide. Sometimes in that order all at once. Since I attempted suicide in 2011 I understand it and how somebody gets there. The worst part and every time it brings up the feelings I felt that August day. I was hopeless, felt that the world was better without me, my kids didn’t need me and that I was unlovable which I seemed to prove daily. Now that I’m a here I get sick when I hear about suicide. Not only for the person but the wreckage it leaves behind. Nobody ever becomes normal again especially the kids. It never makes sense unless you’re the one trying to kill yourself. Reason, and rational thought is gone. Its like the mind switched off and it’s not coming back on.

Yesterday through Facebook I got a message and honestly it shocked me. I pulled over and cried. My friend had just moved for a great opportunity for his wife  and he was going back to coaching. Last time I saw him he seemed like the same guy.  Happy about the opportunity and I just wouldn’t have thought it but……. He hung himself in a tree, his teenage son had to cut him down, and honestly his wife had no clue either. His son never gets the image out of his mind, the wife blames herself, and the other kids are left with a whole that only God and mean only God can heal. Thats 8 people this year that I was close to that had died of suicide. Then I made a Facebook just reminding them how much their loved. People think you wake up and say today  Im going to kill myself!! Thats not true at all, it takes time and hopelessness. It took me 2.5 months to make the decision. The pain that someone carried is absolutely earth shattering if you get to talk to someone who lived through it. After I made the announcement on my FB page three people reached out to me saying they were thinking about it and 4 other people said that they had friends in the past two weeks that had killed themselves. Last night before I closed my eyes I did some research! 22 % of all veterans are killing themselves and the suicide rate of Americans is up  57% for the past 2 years. Who knows if that stats are correct because stats are made up on the spot, but this is true people are  killing themselves at an  alarming rate.

Satan is real my friends and he is kicking a lot of butt now. More people are turning away from God and I have no other answer but God. The only reason I can hit these keys on the is keyboard is because of God. In a time where humans need each other more than ever we isolate more behind, our phone, or computer, when was the last time you just called someone or God forbid went to where they lived and just checked on them. The need to be in community and have a face to face conversation never ended. I think its more important now that ever. Do you remember the last time you had a face to face waked away with a hug and how great that feeling was. I bet when you sent your last text it didn’t feel that way.

Here’s what I know for me: If you have the slightest worry about someone, call them, invite them out, do something. It’s not your job to save anyone I guess but you have no idea the power of your words.

If your thinking about it: I love you, you are loved, you are not your past, you’re not your mistakes, you are a gift and you are needed. I promise you. It doesn’t matter what you thought can’t be fixed it can. Don’t isolate reach out.  If you haven’t prayed Jesus is right next to you. He never left you!

Love you!





Day 937 My life did start over today

20 08 2015

3 years ago today I became a divorced man in the eyes of the state of Texas. It was a day I knew was coming for a while. No matter how prepared you are to walk into the courthouse there is just something different when you walk out. It was a process that started a year earlier and little did I know almost the same time a year later that I would be done with 14 years of my life. In the year trying to “fix” our problems I made more discoveries about myself than I had the other part of my life. I learned who I was, how  fake I was, how I never truly had a walk with God, how I was a good pretend dad, I learned who my friends were and the biggest thing I learned was how to love someone who was unlovable. I would never change that last year of my marriage. The growth in so many areas was amazing, sure it hurt but now I look back it and that year shaped me to the man I’m becoming.

As I sat in the courtroom that morning, my blood pressure was high (my ears were hot), I had that sick feeling in my stomach and I looked out of the corner of my eye to see her again I couldn’t believe we were here. My mind was racing with the thoughts  of years passed and not only the bad things but the good things raced through too. I smiled to myself and I had moments where I wanted to bust out crying. Two cases in front of us and it seemed like it was happening to fast. When the judge called us forward I stopped and asked God to please help me through I could barely stand up and I had that cold sweat on my fore head. Judge asked his questions we both answered and the gavel hits. We walk outside waiting for papers from our attorney and there isn’t a lot to say so it was very silent. The attorney came back and gave us our paperwork. When he walked away my ex  gave me a hug for the first time in 9 months and whispered she was sorry. She then walks away and I sat on the upstairs bench and had tears rolling down my eyes and had a little one on one with God and asked him to let me remember this day and never forget the feeling or emotions I have this moment in time. If I become the man he wants me to be I wont be back here. I sat back down on the bench and like always I saw somebody i knew she gave me a hug and said keep your chin up.

So that’s what I have done since that day. Sure I have struggled because I’m human and that’s just what we do sometimes. My great days outnumber the bad 10-1. I have so many amazing things in my life. I’ve learned to count the good and  know when I blow it that if God grants me the opportunity to wake up tomorrow it’s going to be better if I choose it to be. I’m so proud of where God has put me, I don’t always understand but I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. This day should be sad but for me its a day of happiness and I’m proud of where I’m at. You don’t always get a second chance to start it over from Rock bottom but from attempted suicide, divorce, bankruptcy, death of my identity,  lost company, loss of friends, neighbors, house, and just about everything that was important me. Here I am and it is great! I have so many people to thank and I did that today. They know how much I love them and how much they put up with me. The greatest people I know have risen from the ashes, and I can finally include myself in that group of people. If this broken lost soul can do it, so can you. This day is victory for me and thank God he’s not done with me yet.





Day 933 You only live once

17 08 2015

Good morning from San Francisco CA. Going from 100 to 73 degrees is a great reprieve . My buddy Jim and I on a whim decided we want to see some baseball and just picked San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. I missed my first event with Rock Bottom Outreach since I became a part which really bothered me but after talking to me peeps and looking at pictures it was another amazing event.  We went to the game last night and it was the Giants and Nationals. Giants won 12-6 It was the coolest sports experience of my life and I mean that. The atmosphere was electric, everybody was decked out in gear even babies, the food was amazing, theirs not a bad seat in the stadium. The stadium sits right on the pacific ocean its breath-taking to leave your seats and oh look the ocean. San Francisco was in a heat wave yesterday it reached 84 degrees, but the sun goes down and in the middle of the game its 65 with the ocean breeze. I never knew this but everyone was friendly and seemed genuinely happy. Jim and I both are very outgoing and everyone we struck up conversations with spoke back or joked back.

Every year in January we have new years resolutions. I make goals no more than three and really strive to make them work. On the 28th of December another friend Jason got in my grill a bit about living my life. He said I know you have always been guilty about buying yourself things and doing things for yourself but you have to stop. you have paid your penance to life, your friends and family. Who you were and where you were is no more its time to do for you. I really struggled with this a lot. If I do or get anything for myself I feel real guilt. I feel I’m taking from my kids or somebody else I could help. I really went to God and Brian in my counseling sessions about this. All I heard over and over is that I did not make this world for you not to experience it. There are so many beautiful things in my own backyard that I hadn’t done. If I was free spending money and not taking care of responsibilities that’s one thing but I’m not. I truly believe that God did not make us to wake up at 5am to go to work to get home and at night go to bed at 10 and do it all over again and not live any life. Routine is a life killer, and that has been proven time and time again. Living life is giving back to others, experiencing mountains, a beach, or just the open road. I have 4 friends that today have never seen a beach and for me that’s sad. God made beautiful things not only just because but that’s what life is about is experiences and memories. I have done some really cool servant work, seen some great concerts, went to some cool hole in the wall places, drove on the open road and in all of that God seemed more alive and well in me than when I’m just in my normal routine.

My favorite line from my favorite movie is from Shawshank Redemption, Get busy living or get busy dying! Im learning to live I’m not great at it but I’m trying. One day I will have someone to share that with me and that’s just the next piece of the puzzle. Until then were going to see Alcatraz which is ironic because a few times in my life I thought man I might be in their if my anger doesn’t change. Lucky for  me Alcatraz is closed and so it that part of my life.





Day 933 You only live once

16 08 2015

Good morning from San Francisco CA. Going from 100 to 73 degrees is a great reprieve . My buddy Jim and I on a whim decided we want to see some baseball and just picked San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. I missed my first event with Rock Bottom Outreach since I became a part which really bothered me but after talking to me peeps and looking at pictures it was another amazing event.  We went to the game last night and it was the Giants and Nationals. Giants won 12-6 It was the coolest sports experience of my life and I mean that. The atmosphere was electric, everybody was decked out in gear even babies, the food was amazing, theirs not a bad seat in the stadium. The stadium sits right on the pacific ocean its breath-taking to leave your seats and oh look the ocean. San Francisco was in a heat wave yesterday it reached 84 degrees, but the sun goes down and in the middle of the game its 65 with the ocean breeze. I never knew this but everyone was friendly and seemed genuinely happy. Jim and I both are very outgoing and everyone we struck up conversations with spoke back or joked back.

Every year in January we have new years resolutions. I make goals no more than three and really strive to make them work. On the 28th of December another friend Jason got in my grill a bit about living my life. He said I know you have always been guilty about buying yourself things and doing things for yourself but you have to stop. you have paid your penance to life, your friends and family. Who you were and where you were is no more its time to do for you. I really struggled with this a lot. If I do or get anything for myself I feel real guilt. I feel I’m taking from my kids or somebody else I could help. I really went to God and Brian in my counseling sessions about this. All I heard over and over is that I did not make this world for you not to experience it. There are so many beautiful things in my own backyard that I hadn’t done. If I was free spending money and not taking care of responsibilities that’s one thing but I’m not. I truly believe that God did not make us to wake up at 5am to go to work to get home and at night go to bed at 10 and do it all over again and not live any life. Routine is a life killer, and that has been proven time and time again. Living life is giving back to others, experiencing mountains, a beach, or just the open road. I have 4 friends that today have never seen a beach and for me that’s sad. God made beautiful things not only just because but that’s what life is about is experiences and memories. I have done some really cool servant work, seen some great concerts, went to some cool hole in the wall places, drove on the open road and in all of that God seemed more alive and well in me than when I’m just in my normal routine.

My favorite line from my favorite movie is from Shawshank Redemption, Get busy living or get busy dying! Im learning to live I’m not great at it but I’m trying. One day I will have someone to share that with me and that’s just the next piece of the puzzle. Until then were going to see Alcatraz which is ironic because a few times in my life I thought man I might be in their if my anger doesn’t change. Lucky for  me Alcatraz is closed and so it that part of my life.





Day 927 I want to be real for just a second

10 08 2015

Tax free weekend in Texas is by far the dumbest thing we have ever done as a state. Lets just say you spend 500 dollars for school supplies, clothes etc.. You save a  grand total of 42 bucks. Yes 42 dollars is good but the amount of pain, turmoil, sheer stupidity of the human race is not worth or will it ever be. I had to teach my daughter a lesson about so after she spent 1 hour at JC Penny waiting to try on a pair of shoes, they brought the wrong shoes and then wouldn’t help her. She learned a lesson and said dad never again. Today though shopping with her again and only waiting 20 minutes we with a found a pair of shoes. Shopping with a girl is like finding a needle in a river but we did it.

I want to be real. I know I usually am but today I want it to mean something. I would never expect anyone to stick their life out for somebody to criticize or beat you down. It happens to me and the others that are a part of our group. It’s okay it comes with the territory but when you can look another human in the eyes and tell them that you’ve never had a problem with sin or with anything or inside of you. I have no time for you. First of all God said we are sinners. That means every one of us and even you. I have never in my walk of life no matter how boring, innocent, quiet, reserved etc..  a person was that didn’t have something inside their closets. I love your glass house I really do but glass breaks.

I’m not judging anyone all I’m stating is how if God says were all sinners  that means you are too. I know people who put on a great party mask and want you to believe that their life is perfect. Who in God’s name wants to live that way. Divorce rate is out of control, alcoholism, drug abuse, suicide and I could go on they are all out of control. You might be out of your season of hell or it hasn’t come yet but stop trying to play pretend games with your life. Please stop trying to convince everyone your perfect and nothing is wrong. You know why, you’re the person struggling more than anyone. To try to beat somebody down that is honest, convicted because it makes you feel better is just terribly sad.  God never said don’t sin, he said confess your sin. Its freeing and makes life a lot easier, You can accept others and see them for they truly are. I love broken people. Why, because they are me, they are real ,authentic, loving and just easier to be around.

I want to be closer to God and Jesus. He knows I’m a mess. Perfect example: Every Saturday for at least a year I was going out to the bar with my friends and getting drunk. Every time I got in my car and drove a little or a long ways home and I was drunk. I was lonely and that’s why I did it. No excuses at all. I have my own demons and Saturday nights I lost them. I’m proud to announce for one month now I haven’t stepped into a bar or had a drink. I still deal with the loneliness but I’ve proven to myself that I can do this and honestly my focus and thoughts are more positive.

That’s real and its scary to let people know it but don’t you dare throw your judgmental, holy than now BS at me.  It helps me to be honest. It may not help you but if not just be quite. If you need help ask. More people want to be a help than a hurt. I learned that the hard way.  Just know somebody around you is dying slowly inside they need an encouraging word not a hammer over the head. BE THE WORD!





Day 927 I want to be real for just a second

9 08 2015

Tax free weekend in Texas is by far the dumbest thing we have ever done as a state. Lets just say you spend 500 dollars for school supplies, clothes etc.. You save a  grand total of 42 bucks. Yes 42 dollars is good but the amount of pain, turmoil, sheer stupidity of the human race is not worth or will it ever be. I had to teach my daughter a lesson about so after she spent 1 hour at JC Penny waiting to try on a pair of shoes, they brought the wrong shoes and then wouldn’t help her. She learned a lesson and said dad never again. Today though shopping with her again and only waiting 20 minutes we with a found a pair of shoes. Shopping with a girl is like finding a needle in a river but we did it.

I want to be real. I know I usually am but today I want it to mean something. I would never expect anyone to stick their life out for somebody to criticize or beat you down. It happens to me and the others that are a part of our group. It’s okay it comes with the territory but when you can look another human in the eyes and tell them that you’ve never had a problem with sin or with anything or inside of you. I have no time for you. First of all God said we are sinners. That means every one of us and even you. I have never in my walk of life no matter how boring, innocent, quiet, reserved etc..  a person was that didn’t have something inside their closets. I love your glass house I really do but glass breaks.

I’m not judging anyone all I’m stating is how if God says were all sinners  that means you are too. I know people who put on a great party mask and want you to believe that their life is perfect. Who in God’s name wants to live that way. Divorce rate is out of control, alcoholism, drug abuse, suicide and I could go on they are all out of control. You might be out of your season of hell or it hasn’t come yet but stop trying to play pretend games with your life. Please stop trying to convince everyone your perfect and nothing is wrong. You know why, you’re the person struggling more than anyone. To try to beat somebody down that is honest, convicted because it makes you feel better is just terribly sad.  God never said don’t sin, he said confess your sin. Its freeing and makes life a lot easier, You can accept others and see them for they truly are. I love broken people. Why, because they are me, they are real ,authentic, loving and just easier to be around.

I want to be closer to God and Jesus. He knows I’m a mess. Perfect example: Every Saturday for at least a year I was going out to the bar with my friends and getting drunk. Every time I got in my car and drove a little or a long ways home and I was drunk. I was lonely and that’s why I did it. No excuses at all. I have my own demons and Saturday nights I lost them. I’m proud to announce for one month now I haven’t stepped into a bar or had a drink. I still deal with the loneliness but I’ve proven to myself that I can do this and honestly my focus and thoughts are more positive.

That’s real and its scary to let people know it but don’t you dare throw your judgmental, holy than now BS at me.  It helps me to be honest. It may not help you but if not just be quite. If you need help ask. More people want to be a help than a hurt. I learned that the hard way.  Just know somebody around you is dying slowly inside they need an encouraging word not a hammer over the head. BE THE WORD!

 








Applied Faith

Applying Christian Faith to Daily Life

suburbanprincessteacher

Funny but true stories from the school to the burbs.

atimetoshare

My Walk, His Way - daily inspiration

Karls Blog, Feelings from the Heart

books, writing, fiction, blog, poems, poetry, inspiration

ufuomaee

Youthful humanitarian and passionate change agent, with a thirst for love and God...

Robert Kirkendall

Short stories

Kosmogonic

The Art of Being and Being of Art

From the Pen of Mae Clair

Suspense/mystery author supporting other authors, and sharing folklore

forgottenmeadows

thoughts from my mind to yours

Truth in Palmyra

By Wally Fry

Positive Outlooks Blog

A sanctuary to promote positive thinking, offer inspiration and spiritual growth.

साहित्य संगालो २०१३

विभिन्न साहित्यीक सर्जकहरु द्वारा लेखिएको सामाग्रीहरुको भण्डार हो साहित्य संगालो २०१३ । यसमा विभिन्न अनलाईन मिडियाबाट साभार गरिएका सामाग्रीहरु प्रस्तुत गरिएको छ।

ipekseyhanpoyrazkarayel

Asla İdeallerinden Vazgeçme Asla! Never Give Up Your İdeals Never!

The Journey of My Left Foot (whilst remembering my son)

I have Malignant Melanoma, my son had Testicular Cancer

chester maynes

Poetry and Poems

shakemyheadhollow

Conceptual spaces: politics, philosophy, art, literature, religion, cultural history

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 4,689 other followers

%d bloggers like this: