About hope

4 05 2016

Cristian Mihai

hopeA couple days ago I met this guy from France. He was curious to know as much about Romania as possible, and at one point he asked about our life during the Communist era. And I told him that even though there are plenty of people who are nostalgic for those times, we should be grateful for one of the most precious things capitalism has brought us: the power of choice. The freedom to struggle.

Now, how many of you take that for granted? How many of you actually despise it? That you have to struggle, to hustle, to fight for what you want…

But it’s such a beautiful thing.

You can be whoever you want, do whatever you want. You are free to make your own choices, to create your own destiny. You can see what you want to see each and every single time you look out the…

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Day 1178 Grass, dirt and some dust

29 04 2016

This time of year is so cool. So many festivals, sports, weather is good and then hell is unleashed in Texas with hail and tornadoes, kids events and work. Only problem is I forget to rest or sleep but they say you get a really good cat nap when your gone so I guess I’ll wait for my cat nap. Did you also know that the older you get you have to pee more. It’s ridiculous because the Dr says drink more water so I do then I pee while standing up in the middle of the night and almost fall asleep while I’m doing it. I know I have issues but its okay I’m in counseling!!

Most of you know that my mom passed in December. Most of you know that grieving is a process and sometimes you just don’t want to have to deal with it. My mom has a storage unit that she’s paid for 25 years and it was time to clean it out. So on Sunday my sister and I decided  it was time to quit avoiding the obvious and move on. Im not sure what we were worried about the smell of moth balls or the memories. With the help of my girlfriend and my sisters  boyfriend we started. All of our childhood toys were in the storage, cabbage patch, Barbie, little people, he-man, hot wheels, wrestling figures, our sports trophies, my college football letters. I never asked my sister much about it just kept moving on. Uncovering every dusty box, or dresser full of stuff. Every box I opened I wanted to cry, smile or kick the shit out of it because both of my parents are gone. I could remember the games we played, or the sports stuff when my parents came and watched. My sisters twirling stuff that they were so proud of her about. Each box was a memory that I kind of cringed because I knew that my past was sitting there looking at me. How hard my parents worked to provide for us. Then the boxes when my dad became disabled and i shoved things away so they wouldn’t remind me of him back then and now everything from my past is in a dusty box.

Please don’t feel sorry for me or pity me. I’m just keeping it real. Sharing feelings that maybe one other person feels so that don’t feel alone. My girlfriend had to get back to Austin so we left with most of the work done. Since I didn’t get home very often I stopped by my parents graves. One grave is where my life changed with forgiving my dad and the other was my mom who I still think is coming back. I just stood there looking at the grass on one and the dirt on the other. I couldn’t muster anything to say so I just told them both I loved them and drove off. I then drove to my old home. We sold it 2 years ago and I pulled up it was over grown the house was in complete mess. I drove around the property got out and smelled the air. It felt familiar  and also something I missed. I drove up to the end of the driveway  got out and looked backed and for the first time I realized that I’m actually getting older. I’m the leader of the Wood family, my past isn’t coming back and now that all my past is some grass, dirt and dusty boxes.  I shed my first tear for the day. Took a deep breath , got back in the car and said goodbye. Still not sure who heard it or who I was saying it to but life became more real  at that moment. The journey never ends!! Thank you God!





Day 1178 Grass, dirt and some dust

27 04 2016

This time of year is so cool. So many festivals, sports, weather is good and then hell is unleashed in Texas with hail and tornadoes, kids events and work. Only problem is I forget to rest or sleep but they say you get a really good cat nap when your gone so I guess I’ll wait for my cat nap. Did you also know that the older you get you have to pee more. It’s ridiculous because the Dr says drink more water so I do then I pee while standing up in the middle of the night and almost fall asleep while I’m doing it. I know I have issues but its okay I’m in counseling!!

Most of you know that my mom passed in December. Most of you know that grieving is a process and sometimes you just don’t want to have to deal with it. My mom has a storage unit that she’s paid for 25 years and it was time to clean it out. So on Sunday my sister and I decided  it was time to quit avoiding the obvious and move on. Im not sure what we were worried about the smell of moth balls or the memories. With the help of my girlfriend and my sisters  boyfriend we started. All of our childhood toys were in the storage, cabbage patch, Barbie, little people, he-man, hot wheels, wrestling figures, our sports trophies, my college football letters. I never asked my sister much about it just kept moving on. Uncovering every dusty box, or dresser full of stuff. Every box I opened I wanted to cry, smile or kick the shit out of it because both of my parents are gone. I could remember the games we played, or the sports stuff when my parents came and watched. My sisters twirling stuff that they were so proud of her about. Each box was a memory that I kind of cringed because I knew that my past was sitting there looking at me. How hard my parents worked to provide for us. Then the boxes when my dad became disabled and i shoved things away so they wouldn’t remind me of him back then and now everything from my past is in a dusty box.

Please don’t feel sorry for me or pity me. I’m just keeping it real. Sharing feelings that maybe one other person feels so that don’t feel alone. My girlfriend had to get back to Austin so we left with most of the work done. Since I didn’t get home very often I stopped by my parents graves. One grave is where my life changed with forgiving my dad and the other was my mom who I still think is coming back. I just stood there looking at the grass on one and the dirt on the other. I couldn’t muster anything to say so I just told them both I loved them and drove off. I then drove to my old home. We sold it 2 years ago and I pulled up it was over grown the house was in complete mess. I drove around the property got out and smelled the air. It felt familiar  and also something I missed. I drove up to the end of the driveway  got out and looked backed and for the first time I realized that I’m actually getting older. I’m the leader of the Wood family, my past isn’t coming back and now that all my past is some grass, dirt and dusty boxes.  I shed my first tear for the day. Took a deep breath , got back in the car and said goodbye. Still not sure who heard it or who I was saying it to but life became more real  at that moment. The journey never ends!! Thank you God!





There’s No Disappear Here (So When Will I Believe It?)

25 04 2016

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

I had another…episode…a couple weeks ago. It was another convoluted mess of abandonment fears, distrust of my perceptions and feelings of not being enough.

In other words, the usual.

Not the usual as in that I usually feel that way. But the usual in that whenever I have a rough day, that’s always what it’s distilled to at the end. And I’ve learned that these rough days don’t usually occur in isolation; there’s a smattering of them over a period of weeks or months until the particular offending mental remnant is identified and hopefully neutralized.

I always end up feeling sorry for Brock in these exchanges. He ends up having to deal with the effects of my tsunami divorce – my lack of belief in words, my distrust of the security of a “good” marriage, my continual struggles with self-doubt and my conviction to never allow myself to be…

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Day 1169 He wont always say yes

18 04 2016

Hello blogging world. I have absent because in all honestly too many thoughts to actual get just one or two on paper. This also is one of the busiest times of year in work, sports and my little kids lives. Also with having my amazing girlfriend and son in my life it’s just sometimes to busy to sit down.  We went to our first Texas Rangers baseball game of the season last night. When the weather is still cool, the smell of hot dogs, beer, and popcorn then the crack of the bat. It takes me back to being a kid. If I miss anything that may be it.

I want  this job, if I could only live in this house, I want to marry this person, if only I had a smaller nose, or I lost weight, or blah blah. Then my life would be different. If I only had what I wanted then my life would be the way I wanted. If God would just answer my prayers. How come God never hears my prayers. I never get what I want? The reason is he doesn’t always say yes to us. What sucks is how many unanswered prayers where the best things you never asked for. We are stupid if you think about. We ask for emotional things, we ask for things in our time. Then we don’t get what we wanted and life sucks and God doesn’t listen.  What about when you didn’t actually take that job and six months later the company closed. You didn’t marry that person and when you found out who they were all you could do is say thank you. Perfect example of my unanswered prayers. I prayer for God, to save my business, save my marriage, and take my life. None of those things happened and I couldn’t thank God that he didn’t answer my prayers, that he didn’t say yes to my plan. I have cussed God, left him, half ass prayed just to say I did and thought he really didn’t exist. The only reason is because he didn’t do what I said. 5 years into the journey. God said yes but to his plan. Then I’ve decided to say yes to him. I don’t always do what he wants to remember we are imperfect, broken, and flawed. That is certainly me but I’m trying to follow and listen. He is opening doors that I never imagined. He is letting my true character and identity come out. My wishes are coming true.

I can’t tell you what to do about God or your beliefs. I do know there is a God and I’m not him. I also know his yes is better than I could ever imagine. I also remember and know that when he is “missing” he never was. All I can do is be an example for him, and show believes and none believers who is even through my failures but my successes.  If your prayers aren’t being answered it’s because you just haven’t figured out that your plan is not his. You may follow you plan but just know there is a consequence and lets just hope you don’t get what you want.  When you feel like its hard, confusing or you don’t want to that’s his plan. Follow it! I promise its worth it.





Day 1169 He wont always say yes

17 04 2016

Hello blogging world. I have absent because in all honestly too many thoughts to actual get just one or two on paper. This also is one of the busiest times of year in work, sports and my little kids lives. Also with having my amazing girlfriend and son in my life it’s just sometimes to busy to sit down.  We went to our first Texas Rangers baseball game of the season last night. When the weather is still cool, the smell of hot dogs, beer, and popcorn then the crack of the bat. It takes me back to being a kid. If I miss anything that may be it.

I want  this job, if I could only live in this house, I want to marry this person, if only I had a smaller nose, or I lost weight, or blah blah. Then my life would be different. If I only had what I wanted then my life would be the way I wanted. If God would just answer my prayers. How come God never hears my prayers. I never get what I want? The reason is he doesn’t always say yes to us. What sucks is how many unanswered prayers where the best things you never asked for. We are stupid if you think about. We ask for emotional things, we ask for things in our time. Then we don’t get what we wanted and life sucks and God doesn’t listen.  What about when you didn’t actually take that job and six months later the company closed. You didn’t marry that person and when you found out who they were all you could do is say thank you. Perfect example of my unanswered prayers. I prayer for God, to save my business, save my marriage, and take my life. None of those things happened and I couldn’t thank God that he didn’t answer my prayers, that he didn’t say yes to my plan. I have cussed God, left him, half ass prayed just to say I did and thought he really didn’t exist. The only reason is because he didn’t do what I said. 5 years into the journey. God said yes but to his plan. Then I’ve decided to say yes to him. I don’t always do what he wants to remember we are imperfect, broken, and flawed. That is certainly me but I’m trying to follow and listen. He is opening doors that I never imagined. He is letting my true character and identity come out. My wishes are coming true.

I can’t tell you what to do about God or your beliefs. I do know there is a God and I’m not him. I also know his yes is better than I could ever imagine. I also remember and know that when he is “missing” he never was. All I can do is be an example for him, and show believes and none believers who is even through my failures but my successes.  If your prayers aren’t being answered it’s because you just haven’t figured out that your plan is not his. You may follow you plan but just know there is a consequence and lets just hope you don’t get what you want.  When you feel like its hard, confusing or you don’t want to that’s his plan. Follow it! I promise its worth it.





Speaking Out: Why Hiding Your Struggles Makes it Worse

11 04 2016

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

At this point, the only real regret I have about my first marriage was that I didn’t know.

Not about the financial and sexual infidelity (although it would have been nice to have had some insider information!). And not even about his plan to leave and secure another wife.

I regret that I didn’t know about his struggles with addiction and depression.

Because when it comes down to it, that is the real tragedy.

And unlike the bizarre secret life and the bigamy, hiding battles with addiction and depression* is exceedingly common.

And the consequences of trying to conceal these struggles are far-reaching and often devastating.

*I limit my emphasis here to addiction and depression partly because I believe those are the struggles my ex faced and because those are the two areas that I still witness the most stigma around. These same ideas hold true for most struggles…

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