Day 383 The other side of my bed

29 01 2014

This is true and I didn’t believe but I tried it many years ago. I had forgotten but it does work. If you feel your deodorant isn’t working you need to change it. Our bodies get used to our deodorant it doesn’t last as long then it stops working. I  changed the brand of my deodorant and man I smell great. i will go back in about 6 weeks to my other one but hello ladies that is me smelling awesome.

I write sometimes for me and sometimes I write so maybe you can get something out of it. not sure why Im writing this! I have never even thought about this but it may sound dumb but for the first time in my life I slept on the other side of the bed. I have had a California King bed since I was 21  now 38 and have always slept on “my side” of the bed. Sunday night I couldn’t sleep I was counting the ceiling fan blades as they went around, reading,  tossing and turning, and having a great conversation with myself. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror then came back and for the first time in my life I laid down on the other side of the bed. I swear it was like another life was laying there, memories flew back, good and bad and I felt engulfed in emotion.

That side of the bed is cold as you know but what was left there was tears, laughter, lonely thoughts, throwing my kids on the bed and playing but never had I tried to sleep there and that’s probably why. A bed made me feel that way. I could vividly remember conversations with my ex, and others before I was married. I felt like I was doing something wrong laying on that side of the bed.

Guess what I did stay and fell asleep it was definitely a weird feeling waking up that way, but my side didn’t feel so lonely when I did wake up. Not sure Im going to sleep “over there” again but I got to feel with the other side was about and it was something I needed to remember. I have no idea why I shared this but if you haven’t laid on the other side try it and see what happens!





Day 383 The other side of my bed

28 01 2014

This is true and I didn’t believe but I tried it many years ago. I had forgotten but it does work. If you feel your deodorant isn’t working you need to change it. Our bodies get used to our deodorant it doesn’t last as long then it stops working. I  changed the brand of my deodorant and man I smell great. i will go back in about 6 weeks to my other one but hello ladies that is me smelling awesome.

I write sometimes for me and sometimes I write so maybe you can get something out of it. not sure why Im writing this! I have never even thought about this but it may sound dumb but for the first time in my life I slept on the other side of the bed. I have had a California King bed since I was 21  now 38 and have always slept on “my side” of the bed. Sunday night I couldn’t sleep I was counting the ceiling fan blades as they went around, reading,  tossing and turning, and having a great conversation with myself. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror then came back and for the first time in my life I laid down on the other side of the bed. I swear it was like another life was laying there, memories flew back, good and bad and I felt engulfed in emotion.

That side of the bed is cold as you know but what was left there was tears, laughter, lonely thoughts, throwing my kids on the bed and playing but never had I tried to sleep there and that’s probably why. A bed made me feel that way. I could vividly remember conversations with my ex, and others before I was married. I felt like I was doing something wrong laying on that side of the bed.

Guess what I did stay and fell asleep it was definitely a weird feeling waking up that way, but my side didn’t feel so lonely when I did wake up. Not sure Im going to sleep “over there” again but I got to feel with the other side was about and it was something I needed to remember. I have no idea why I shared this but if you haven’t laid on the other side try it and see what happens!





Day 380 Lost respect for my future

27 01 2014

Sometimes you need weeks to end and this was one of those! Not only that but I reflected and thought deeper this week about my life in a different light and shared things with a couple of people who I haven’t ever. Thank you Evan Sanders with The Better Man Project!  Most of the words are Evans but its like were brothers that had the same thoughts. Your words helped me so much this week, but also took me to places I thought I was done visiting.

It’s time to write this all down. In truth, I don’t regret anything. I don’t choose to live with the fear of not respecting my choices in the future. I choose to learn from them and live with them because they were rooted in love and passion and not in fear. The mistake made at 100% is never a mistake. It’s a commitment that turned south. But the bottling of the aftermath leads to sleepless nights and nightmares. I mean those crappy nightmares that even when your awake the become your daydreams that effect you because you can’t forget them.

I have woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking about what happened. The shaking of my hands. My heart racing. The shiver up my spine. Tears rolling down my eyes reaching for something that isn’t there.

No emotion is foreign to me. What once filled a place in my heart now seems void. It may be gone, it may be present, but as it stands right now – it feels hollow and cold. The negative floats into my mind. I ponder the reasons for the pain delivered. I ask myself why. I think back to the past and try to understand. In many ways, I do understand. I remember in the beginning knowing I was dealing with lightning. Exciting, powerful, enchanting…lightning. But unharnessed lightning strikes randomly destroying life. And it did. Sharp to the heart.

And yet how can all of this pain coexist with the feeling of love. It baffles me. To lose someone, identity, family, friends, job,  to be punished, yet at the same time care so much that the heart continues to sing despite its tears. How does it even happen? How can it possibly be that way?

They both exist. The extremes. Both sides can be present in the same soul and everything in between – and that creates, often times, a storm inside that rages until peace finds its way into the depths.

The past can be haunting. The future can be intimidating. The present can cause the sensation of drowning. But at the same time the opposites exist. A wisdom filled past. An exciting future. Being present in the now. But to take it even further, there are layers to the onion besides the core and the outside. There are so many possibilities of what can be true at the same time that other realities exist.

So to feel inside that I love and suffer at the same time, as unfortunately insane as it is, really does make sense.

There is no black and white. I always wanted black and white and actually argued over it. There is more gray now than I cared to ever think about.

There are only wonderful colors and shades in between the two opposite absolutes. And when you are ready to accept the fact that you can still care, fear, shake and celebrate something or another all at the same time…well, that’s when you truly grow. We are massively complicated people. Nobody is ever one thing. You cannot attribute a single word to someone and describe them. No, you must understand the complications of the “self.” No decision, no idea, no argument, no relationship, no anything really is as painfully simple as we would like it to be – primarily for the sake of our own understanding of it.

So where does that leave me? Respect. Respecting the intricacies of life. Fact is, good and bad things will happen to you throughout your time here. But in all honesty, even the bad is layered with some good and the good is layered with some bad. Nothing is truly pure. Light is comprised of darkness and darkness always has an element of light. When you can start to see how beautifully ridiculously complicated life is, then you can live in it easier. It’s when we try to simplify everything…that’s when the mess begins. Because it’s never that simple. It’s never that black and white.

I think what I am trying to say here is this: Be fair to yourself, be fair to situations, and be fair to others. Understand that feelings, decisions, and life in general is very complicated and don’t make decisions based on absolutes. Make decisions rooted in the goodness of your heart.

 





Day 380 Lost respect for my future

26 01 2014

Sometimes you need weeks to end and this was one of those! Not only that but I reflected and thought deeper this week about my life in a different light and shared things with a couple of people who I haven’t ever. Thank you Evan Sanders with The Better Man Project!  Most of the words are Evans but its like were brothers that had the same thoughts. Your words helped me so much this week, but also took me to places I thought I was done visiting.

It’s time to write this all down. In truth, I don’t regret anything. I don’t choose to live with the fear of not respecting my choices in the future. I choose to learn from them and live with them because they were rooted in love and passion and not in fear. The mistake made at 100% is never a mistake. It’s a commitment that turned south. But the bottling of the aftermath leads to sleepless nights and nightmares. I mean those crappy nightmares that even when your awake the become your daydreams that effect you because you can’t forget them.

I have woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking about what happened. The shaking of my hands. My heart racing. The shiver up my spine. Tears rolling down my eyes reaching for something that isn’t there.

No emotion is foreign to me. What once filled a place in my heart now seems void. It may be gone, it may be present, but as it stands right now – it feels hollow and cold. The negative floats into my mind. I ponder the reasons for the pain delivered. I ask myself why. I think back to the past and try to understand. In many ways, I do understand. I remember in the beginning knowing I was dealing with lightning. Exciting, powerful, enchanting…lightning. But unharnessed lightning strikes randomly destroying life. And it did. Sharp to the heart.

And yet how can all of this pain coexist with the feeling of love. It baffles me. To lose someone, identity, family, friends, job,  to be punished, yet at the same time care so much that the heart continues to sing despite its tears. How does it even happen? How can it possibly be that way?

They both exist. The extremes. Both sides can be present in the same soul and everything in between – and that creates, often times, a storm inside that rages until peace finds its way into the depths.

The past can be haunting. The future can be intimidating. The present can cause the sensation of drowning. But at the same time the opposites exist. A wisdom filled past. An exciting future. Being present in the now. But to take it even further, there are layers to the onion besides the core and the outside. There are so many possibilities of what can be true at the same time that other realities exist.

So to feel inside that I love and suffer at the same time, as unfortunately insane as it is, really does make sense.

There is no black and white. I always wanted black and white and actually argued over it. There is more gray now than I cared to ever think about.

There are only wonderful colors and shades in between the two opposite absolutes. And when you are ready to accept the fact that you can still care, fear, shake and celebrate something or another all at the same time…well, that’s when you truly grow. We are massively complicated people. Nobody is ever one thing. You cannot attribute a single word to someone and describe them. No, you must understand the complications of the “self.” No decision, no idea, no argument, no relationship, no anything really is as painfully simple as we would like it to be – primarily for the sake of our own understanding of it.

So where does that leave me? Respect. Respecting the intricacies of life. Fact is, good and bad things will happen to you throughout your time here. But in all honesty, even the bad is layered with some good and the good is layered with some bad. Nothing is truly pure. Light is comprised of darkness and darkness always has an element of light. When you can start to see how beautifully ridiculously complicated life is, then you can live in it easier. It’s when we try to simplify everything…that’s when the mess begins. Because it’s never that simple. It’s never that black and white.

I think what I am trying to say here is this: Be fair to yourself, be fair to situations, and be fair to others. Understand that feelings, decisions, and life in general is very complicated and don’t make decisions based on absolutes. Make decisions rooted in the goodness of your heart.

 





Day 380 Lost respect for my future

25 01 2014

Sometimes you need weeks to end and this was one of those! Not only that but I reflected and thought deeper this week about my life in a different light and shared things with a couple of people who I haven’t ever. Thank you Evan Sanders with The Better Man Project!  Most of the words are Evans but its like were brothers that had the same thoughts. Your words helped me so much this week, but also took me to places I thought I was done visiting.

It’s time to write this all down. In truth, I don’t regret anything. I don’t choose to live with the fear of not respecting my choices in the future. I choose to learn from them and live with them because they were rooted in love and passion and not in fear. The mistake made at 100% is never a mistake. It’s a commitment that turned south. But the bottling of the aftermath leads to sleepless nights and nightmares. I mean those crappy nightmares that even when your awake the become your daydreams that effect you because you can’t forget them.

I have woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking about what happened. The shaking of my hands. My heart racing. The shiver up my spine. Tears rolling down my eyes reaching for something that isn’t there.

No emotion is foreign to me. What once filled a place in my heart now seems void. It may be gone, it may be present, but as it stands right now – it feels hollow and cold. The negative floats into my mind. I ponder the reasons for the pain delivered. I ask myself why. I think back to the past and try to understand. In many ways, I do understand. I remember in the beginning knowing I was dealing with lightning. Exciting, powerful, enchanting…lightning. But unharnessed lightning strikes randomly destroying life. And it did. Sharp to the heart.

And yet how can all of this pain coexist with the feeling of love. It baffles me. To lose someone, identity, family, friends, job,  to be punished, yet at the same time care so much that the heart continues to sing despite its tears. How does it even happen? How can it possibly be that way?

They both exist. The extremes. Both sides can be present in the same soul and everything in between – and that creates, often times, a storm inside that rages until peace finds its way into the depths.

The past can be haunting. The future can be intimidating. The present can cause the sensation of drowning. But at the same time the opposites exist. A wisdom filled past. An exciting future. Being present in the now. But to take it even further, there are layers to the onion besides the core and the outside. There are so many possibilities of what can be true at the same time that other realities exist.

So to feel inside that I love and suffer at the same time, as unfortunately insane as it is, really does make sense.

There is no black and white. I always wanted black and white and actually argued over it. There is more gray now than I cared to ever think about.

There are only wonderful colors and shades in between the two opposite absolutes. And when you are ready to accept the fact that you can still care, fear, shake and celebrate something or another all at the same time…well, that’s when you truly grow. We are massively complicated people. Nobody is ever one thing. You cannot attribute a single word to someone and describe them. No, you must understand the complications of the “self.” No decision, no idea, no argument, no relationship, no anything really is as painfully simple as we would like it to be – primarily for the sake of our own understanding of it.

So where does that leave me? Respect. Respecting the intricacies of life. Fact is, good and bad things will happen to you throughout your time here. But in all honesty, even the bad is layered with some good and the good is layered with some bad. Nothing is truly pure. Light is comprised of darkness and darkness always has an element of light. When you can start to see how beautifully ridiculously complicated life is, then you can live in it easier. It’s when we try to simplify everything…that’s when the mess begins. Because it’s never that simple. It’s never that black and white.

I think what I am trying to say here is this: Be fair to yourself, be fair to situations, and be fair to others. Understand that feelings, decisions, and life in general is very complicated and don’t make decisions based on absolutes. Make decisions rooted in the goodness of your heart.

 





Day 377 Stupid control freaks

23 01 2014

Day 377 Stupid control freaks.





Day 377 Stupid control freaks

22 01 2014

Its Hump day and I need the weekend! I think I laugh every time I hear someone  say hump day because I’m still of a Jr. high mentality. I heard about happiness and what we think it means and if we can get more we will be happier. I totally disagree: I believe If we’re not happy with what we already have there is no way we will be happy with more. I still struggle with this but not with myself as much as giving to others. If I can give them more they will be happy or happier but that’s not always true.

I want to think Donald Miller for his thoughts and incite! He’s an amazing author and man, and helped give me some thoughts on this. I’m a recovering control freak (still working on it)! I always had to know what I was doing, who surround me and tell them how to do it. If they didn’t do it my way I wasn’t liked and worse disrespected . Well I have found that is the biggest load of crap I have ever experienced. I can pick a control freak out in about two minutes and guess what control freaks control nothing and I mean nothing. Oh we think we do, but sadly we might as well open our hands and realize nothing is in the our hands just like in our thoughts but sadly we don’t even know were doing it.

From Donald Miller:

I realized I was a controlling person not long ago when a therapist caught me in the act. I was wondering out loud why a friend was doing what she was doing and the therapist questioned why I was trying to get inside somebody else’s head.

“What does it matter why people do what they do? Are you trying to predict behavior to gain a sense of security?”

It was a terrific observation. Trying to figure out why people are doing what they are doing is a preface to trying to control or influence them indirectly. If I really wanted to know why they were doing what they were doing, I could just ask. But I didn’t want to ask because it was none of my business. They had a right to think and do as they wished.

Turns out controlling tendencies can hide anywhere.

And most of the time (if not all the time) we don’t know we’re doing it.

The therapist went on to explain how relationships should work. She put three large couch pillows on the floor and stood on one of the outside cushions. She then had me stand on the other outside cushion so there was an empty cushion between us.

“This is my pillow” she said, “and that is yours. This is my life and that is yours. The pillow in the middle represents our relationship. So, my responsibility is all about the pillow I’m standing on and yours is about yours. Together, we are responsible for the relationship. But at no point should I be stepping on your pillow.”

What she meant by that was this:

I can’t change anybody. I can’t force them or guilt them or shame them into doing anything. All I can do is stay on my pillow and ask myself whether or not I like the relationship. If I don’t, I can tell the other person what I want in a relationship and see if they want the same thing. If not, I move on, and so do they.

In marriage, of course, it’s much harder. You can’t just walk away. But in business relationships and friendships, and even in dating, the model works quite well.

I found the metaphor freeing, actually. No more wishing people would change or explaining “if they only did it this way we would be better friends.” Instead, I just say “this relationship doesn’t work” and there’s nothing I can do about it. If I’ve explained what I want in a relationship but the other person isn’t on board, no harm no foul.

It’s difficult in some relationships, I know, because sometimes you have to watch people destroy their lives, but that’s just the point. Their lives are theirs to destroy.

Back to me:

So how do you know if you’re a controlling person: Im glad you asked. Just know you are not likeable no matter what someone will say to you. I especially dislike it and dislike myself when I catch myself.

You imagine a life in which somebody else was different, and indirectly try to affect their change.

You get angry when things aren’t going your way and you let people know it.

You can only be surrounded by people who are submissive to you.

You give the silent treatment to people you are angry with.

You are often tempted to show somebody the errors they don’t see in themselves.

The only way to fix this is get some help and start catching yourself doing these things and stop them now.








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