Day 39 I explain how I got here

28 09 2012

I get my kids in a few short hours. This is one of the greatest days in my week. I love them so much. I can’t explain the joy those two little turkeys bring me. My son has a camp out tomorrow night so my daughter and I get to go on a daddy daughter date. We are either going, to TCU/SMU, Rangers game or minor league hockey. I love when it’s just her and I because she gets to just be Morgan and open up to me. She shaved her legs last week with her mom so I m anxious to her about that but also a little sad that she’s growing up so fast.

Had a weird night last night did my clear my head drive up and down I -35. I can only think I do this because it’s the only time I feel free. I used to roll my windows down in high school and smell the night air  It was so peaceful. I did the same last night and I can honestly at peace. It’s the only time I get peace with my thoughts. I had a soccer dad tell me what I needed to do about dating and love. I thought to much about it I guess.

I m going to explain how I got here and got divorced. Many people asked me to hurry and get to the story so here it goes. I mentioned last time that this started on August 27th when I found out something that absolutely floored me. We fought about two weeks about it and I wanted was I m sorry but to know avail and then she came to me and said that she wanted a divorce. To say that was the David Copperfield moment of my life is an understatement. I beg for her to wait and let’s get help. I had NEVER wanted to go to counseling. My thought was that only thing the counselor was going to do is tell me the crap they read from a book and I bet I had read more books about the topic than they had. Her answer was no. So I did what we all do I left the house to get a drink, but thank God he (God) was listening. I got out of my truck and dropped to my needs on highway 380 and told God I m finished. I don’t want to control this, I m broken and worthless. Please take my life or fix this. I did all I knew and called my church and asked for help. It was Sunday and they gave me Brian’s number who was my counselor but now my friend. I sent him a text and told him I needed help now. I heard back the next day and said you guys need to come in but she wouldn’t. I went in and gave my side which was very jaded. I told him to do whatever to get her in there. I remember these words so much he said please remember no matter how much you change she may never come back. I just said okay whatever I know she will. My ex agreed to go and speak with him but pretty much I guilted her into going.

After she went I was told that we needed to separate and I needed to go to sexual therapy, I also had a lot of issues that I didn’t tell him. If anything people know I m honest so I was pissed beyond belief. I told him I wanted to come and talk to him but I wold agree to the in-house separation but not separating into other houses.

After I went one more time I think I helped Brian understand about my sexual issues and other things I going on. He explained to me things I didn’t know I had wrong and said you told me at first call that you would do anything to fix this. I said yes so he told me here are a few things but heres the first and biggest. For 90 days you can’t one negative or cold statement to her. I kept trying to justify what she did to me but he said 90 days o in so many words don’t come back.

I will fast forward a bit and tell you I did it. It was the hardest thing I ve ever done. If you know me I usually say whats on my mind bad or good. I couldn’t believe I did it. The biggest thing I learned from it was though was Brian didn’t do that for her he did  it for me. Once I was able to shut up I was able to see the great things in her and finally learn about who I was rather than throwing darts and see where they stick. My life was a constant I object your honor. I got it and it made all the difference in me. She saw the changes in me and we finally started to go to marriage counseling. I won’t bore you with details but there were some things that I never understood. She didn’t come to my birthday. I told her that I didn’t want her there but she didn’t buy me anything either. That hurt more than anything and I figured it was just part of the healing.

December 7th was the biggest day of change in my life both good and bad. That morning I drove to Cleburne in a pouring rain and cold to say hi to my dad at his grave and tell him I forgave him. I had talked a lot about it in counseling and thought I needed to. I got out of the car with the wind blowing rain in my face and honestly I  felt like an idiot. I looked around to see if anyone was watching me and of course nobody was there. I dropped to my knees in the mud and told my dad I forgave him and I knew he did the best he could with what he had. I begged for his forgiveness and told him I didn’t hate him and I missed him more than he would ever know. I actually looked over my should because at that moment the weight of the world had left my shoulders. Even though I couldn’t see God he stood behind me that morning pushed me to the ground opened my mouth and then lifted 36 years of hell off my back. That was the most amazing moment in my life.

I ll tell more later. Love ya all





Day 38 Burning Bridges

28 09 2012

I m writing from one of the most remote places I ve ever been to. There is proof that even out in the Middle of BFE that McDonald’s has Wi-Fi. Thank you McDonald’s and the Space program for satellites.

Okay so my grammar is still a work in progress but kiss it because I don’t care. Just say something nice about the content. I went to public school and I got hit in the head a lot so the fact I can read is progress.

Witnessed a lot of pain and doubt today with friends and family. I so wish I could just fix things. I know men are wired to fix but I really would. I hate seeing and hearing about the pain of others. My heart is to big I was told today. I believe that to be crap. Oh well tomorrow is different and I will be there for you because I will need you soon to.

 

A little Talk about burning Bridges. Urban Dictionary said that burning Bridges means:

cut off all ties in a relationship
when you burn a bridge you can’t cross it again. to burn a bridge means to be completely done with something.

I was the worlds worst at doing this. I don’t believe anymore that you have to burn a bridge unless you’re in a war. You can cross it but don’t burn it. You will always have to cross that bridge or want to. After divorce I wanted to burn so many bridges. Today I got a hug from someone who I came close to writing out of my life. That person didn’t allow me to burn the Bridge. Thank you JJ.

 

Here is a song by the Mike Curb Congregation: Pretty strong words.

Friends all tried to warn me
But I held my head up high
All the time they warned me
But I only passed them by
They all tried to tell me
But I guess I didn’t care
I turned my back and
Left them standing there

All the burning bridges that have fallen after me
All the lonely feelings and the burning memories
Everyone I left behind each time I closed the door
Burning bridges lost forevermore

Joey tried to help me find a job
A while ago
When I finally got it I didn’t want to go
The party Mary gave for me
When I just walked away
Now there’s nothing left for me to say

All the burning bridges that have fallen after me
All the lonely feelings and the burning memories
Everyone I left behind each time I closed the door
Burning bridges lost forevermore

Years have passed and I keep thinking
What a fool I’ve been
I look back into the past and
Think of way back then
I know that I lost everything I thought that I could win
I guess I should have listened to my friends

All the burning bridges that have fallen after me
All the lonely feelings and the burning memories
Everyone I left behind each time I closed the door
Burning bridges lost forevermore

Smile when you don’t want to and kill them with kindness. Love ya all. Pass this along.





Day 37 I love cookies

27 09 2012

Yes that’s right I love cookies. I haven’t had a cookie since May. I went to Kroger and the nice bakery lady asked if I wanted one. I said no but then turned around and grabbed one like I was an escaped convict. Gosh that cookie was good. I think I left the chocolate pieces on my face so later I could have it for desert. I looked like a baby after its first piece of birthday cake I m sure.

For those of you that read this know I do not have good grammatical skills. I probably don’t but I never go back and reread. I just write it raw and push publish. So starting today I m going to try to check it. So I hope all of you anal retentive people are happy.

I want to thank a few people today Heather, Jim, Kathy, and someone else who asked not to be put in the blog. You know what you did so thank you.

I m getting ready to go to my men’s group. I’ve missed it a lot.  It’s a great to have a group of men that will kick my butt and keep it real (Dr. Phil voice).

Finally my favorite blog of the day I would like you to read is : Very unique

http://thebatamonblog.wordpress.com/2012/09/26/one-lovely-blog-award-3/

I want to keep working on my life rules. Its taking a while because their my rules so I m still making them up.

#8 What I make up of my life is only up to me. I have all the tools I need to make my life up to me now  to me to use them. We all create our own reality. Nobody creates it for us. We have full authorship and ownership of our life its one of absolute right., but we have all and probably still do deny ourselves to script our life. We always deny ourselves because we say we don’t have the resources. If we look at it truthfully it’s not the external resources we don’t have that determine our success or failure but our own belief and willingness to create what we want. I or you can either engage in the blame game, making frequent statement ” I couldn’t because”  or take control of your life and shape it as you would like. Our life is play doh we can make it whatever we want or we can smash it into the carpet and complain that the play doh isn’t good anymore.

Joseph Campbell once said ” The world is a match for you, and you are a match for the world.” By this he meant that when we fully recognize our challenges, gifts and individual reality, and accept the life path they represent, the world provides whatever we need to succeed. You, in turn, will discover how you can make your greatest contribution to the world. When you claim authorship of your life story, the world responds and the genius ignites.

Responsibility: We have to accept the consequences of every deed, word and thought throughout our lifetime Elisabeth Kubler- Ross

Love ya all pass this along

 





Day 37 I love cookies

26 09 2012

Yes that’s right I love cookies. I haven’t had a cookie since May. I went to Kroger and the nice bakery lady asked if I wanted one. I said no but then turned around and grabbed one like I was an escaped convict. Gosh that cookie was good. I think I left the chocolate pieces on my face so later I could have it for desert. I looked like a baby after its first piece of birthday cake I m sure.

For those of you that read this know I do not have good grammatical skills. I probably don’t but I never go back and reread. I just write it raw and push publish. So starting today I m going to try to check it. So I hope all of you anal retentive people are happy.

I want to thank a few people today Heather, Jim, Kathy, and someone else who asked not to be put in the blog. You know what you did so thank you.

I m getting ready to go to my men’s group. I’ve missed it a lot.  It’s a great to have a group of men that will kick my butt and keep it real (Dr. Phil voice).

Finally my favorite blog of the day I would like you to read is : Very unique

http://thebatamonblog.wordpress.com/2012/09/26/one-lovely-blog-award-3/

I want to keep working on my life rules. Its taking a while because their my rules so I m still making them up.

#8 What I make up of my life is only up to me. I have all the tools I need to make my life up to me now  to me to use them. We all create our own reality. Nobody creates it for us. We have full authorship and ownership of our life its one of absolute right., but we have all and probably still do deny ourselves to script our life. We always deny ourselves because we say we don’t have the resources. If we look at it truthfully it’s not the external resources we don’t have that determine our success or failure but our own belief and willingness to create what we want. I or you can either engage in the blame game, making frequent statement ” I couldn’t because”  or take control of your life and shape it as you would like. Our life is play doh we can make it whatever we want or we can smash it into the carpet and complain that the play doh isn’t good anymore.

Joseph Campbell once said ” The world is a match for you, and you are a match for the world.” By this he meant that when we fully recognize our challenges, gifts and individual reality, and accept the life path they represent, the world provides whatever we need to succeed. You, in turn, will discover how you can make your greatest contribution to the world. When you claim authorship of your life story, the world responds and the genius ignites.

Responsibility: We have to accept the consequences of every deed, word and thought throughout our lifetime Elisabeth Kubler- Ross

Love ya all pass this along





Day 36 The Road Less Traveled

26 09 2012

Well I m a blogger now I think. I read a lot of different blogs. I m going ot put the ones that support me and I like the most on here. Please read them and follow them for me

http://ladyornot.com/celebrating-spectacular-stats/   She is really funny.

To say today I was a tad bit pissed would be an understatement. I think the people I said something to would agree I was pretty nice. Inside I was on fire. I hate getting put into the same category as everyone else. Yes I  know its easy to paint everyone into the same box and not get to know them, but stop the stupid judgement shit. I am different. I wake up every morning and pray to be different and live by the golden rule.  Do I fail yes I do, but for the 5 people that really know me they would tell you I m nothing like any other human ever. Yes I still have inadequacies fears etc.. but I hate being like every other man. So I m try everyday to be different. I might have emailed the stupidest man I have ever met in my life today. I can’t believe when I read his email how ignorant he could be. Also how he could justify what he was doing. Life will get you it gets all of us. I just told him when he didn’t have it all figured out again I ll be here to raise my hand out.

The road less traveled. It has been something I have been on my whole life. I proudly ear that. Rayfiled Wright who is now a Hall of Fame Offensive Tackle that played  for the Dallas Cowboys said this in his induction speech. I immediately was drawn to him:

“I learned a poem in the eighth grade entitled, The Road Not Taken. It’s about two roads. One was well traveled, the other was grassy and wanted wear. Through this poem, I discovered that life would give me choices. It was recognizing those choices that proved to be the greatest challenge. Looking back, my instinct was to always take the easy road. But the easy road never came my way.To every young athlete within the sound of my voice, it takes courage to dream your dream. Don’t let them sit in the locker room. Take a leap of faith. Listen to your parents and respect your elders. Learn from your successes and your losses. Defeat is possible and as a challenge to do better next time. Be satisfied you gave the game everything that you had and remember this: Don’t be afraid to travel the road less traveled because Larry Rayfield Wright did, and you can, too”

Great speech I think it was a lot longer but this is what I got from it. Do you have any idea oh scary it is to ravel that road. I failed for sure, but along the way I did a lot of good things, the way I loved, the way I helped others, the way I hold others accountable. The way I take the blame so others don’t have to take the rath. I didn’t drink until I was 21. I was the president of an organization that was against drugs and alcohol. I had to live by example. I never have done drugs. So now as I get better I m taking a stand not to judge, not to push someone a side becasue their broken or you stopped believing in them, that you fear them because you see yourself in them. Also I m going to be different man so the next women doesn’t have to say your just like a ll men.

So tomorrow take the road less traveled. I ll see you on it. If you want to say hi tell me hi. I wont turn my back on you and will always extend a helping hand.

Love ya pass this along

 

 





Day 35 Money is my idol not God

24 09 2012

Getting ready for my second relationship class at Gateway church. This is so much better because its upbeat and happy I guess just part of the growing process.  A lot of people have asked have I found someone to date in this process. Actually no I m not looking. I know I have talked to a few that maybe are possible but I have a goal to get to first. At least the next time I will be prepared and ready for what the future holds.

I can say that I m so sore today that I didn’t quite know this morning how I was going to wipe. My shoulders feel like someone hit them with a bat but its a good pain. I know its weird. It the  whole warrior thing us men go through.

Also to Heather thank you for what you did today that was the nicest thing anyone has done for me in years.. I ve been blessed to meet some great people in the past months and thank you to them.

I m getting a pretty decent following of  bloggers following my blog and vice versa. This guy has some amazing photography that you can purchase it well worth going to his site and explore.

http://hikingphoto.com/2012/09/04/west-coast-trail/

 

After the message in church yesterday I know this to be a true statement. Money is what I worship and not God on the same level. I know I m a Christian but when it comes to money I try to handle that on my own. I ve been poor since 6th grade. My dad was disabled and my mother was a school teacher. They did their damnedest to provide and nobody knew we were poor. All of my Christmas gifts were in pawn shops. All piggy banks were broken and the money was rolled for bread and milk at times. You get used to be poor but you never want to stay there. I used to go over to peoples house I couldn’t stand just to have a meal. I m not looking for pity but trying to detail what I mean by money is my idol.

I was going to be a doctor. I started the program and went a year and decided I didn’t want to be that smart and I needed money. So I got a decent degree and got blessed with an outstanding job out of college make at little more than 50K a year. To much money for an ignorant money minded boy who had been poor. I had always said I will never be poor but thats where I put all of my focus and guess what after filing personal bankruptcy I had followed in my parents shoes and I was broke.. I used to have a fear of running out of things we would buy two of things even though the store was close. I would throw a fit if we ran out. I was so used not to having a things that when I became it would be different. I did what poor people when they come into money I spent it. Vacations, stuff, cars etc..  I have a chair and a PS3 from those days and that’s it. So my God was money. Thats what I worshiped. I would always pray God my finances are yours until he didn’t give me what I wanted and then I took it back over. So here I m  now and I struggle with money there are so many things I want to do and people I want to help but I still try and control. If we can learn to turn it over to God and not worry we will be provided for. Name the last time you worried about something that your worry fixed it. I know this is the pot calling the kettle black, but I need someone to help hold me accountable.

Also when someone tells you that money doesn’t buy happiness that’s crap.  Money can not make you content and fulfill your life. I know when I was sitting in St. Thomas drink tequilla I was pretty damn happy. I know what the statement means but if you chase the all mighty dollar you will be miserable because you will never catch it. Change your focus put God in control of those situations and I know he will give what we deserve.

I lost all of my money money can be made again. When I have a women tell me I will love if your a janitor I laugh. Thats right until we can’t pay a bill. Women have no idea the pressure we as men put on ourselves to be a provider. Just remember if you call out a man for being a crappy provider you might just pull off his private parts and hand them to him because inside you did.

 

Love ya all, Pass this on.





Day 34 Passing the Obstacles Test

23 09 2012

Hope everyone had or is having an amazing Sunday. After breaking my , fibula, tibia, and dislocated ankle in march I went back and played Rugby yesterday after only 6 months. Honestly I know it probably wasn’t the smartest thing thing in the world. I enjoy Rugby so much its a way for me to get my anger, frustration out in a sort of nonviolent manner. I enjoy the physical punishment that comes with it and what I get to dish out. I m very sore today and my ankle is sore but not swollen. After playing Rugby for 15 years its hard to just let go. I doing this for me and my happiness. I know I can get hurt again, I know I m getting older but its my life and if you find something that makes you happy stick with it. I have no idea if I m going to play anymore but I had to prove to myself that I could recover.

I went and visited a new church with my niece this morning called Elevate Life. Really neat church. Our area is blessed with many great churches that aren’t the traditional churches that scare people away. The pastor made a statement that floored. Out of 100% Christians that say they are Christians only 9.1% of those go to church. Really how in God’s name do you learn or get the support do you need. I used to be part of that 91% that did didn’t go to church and boy that worked out well for me. I used to say that I didn’t need to go to some building to know God and that is so correct. I do need to go and be with others who are at least trying to get closer to God.

The message the morning was passing the test of obstacles. : Big Thought: Every obstacle you face is a test for you to pass so you can grow to your next level. You will never get the best, without the test.  I know some of you are saying well I should have the best of everything I ve passed so many test. I have said that so many times. Did you really pass the test or look at someones else s paper. What I mean by this is that the voices we hear are what controls us. The voices, are God, Satan, our own, or someone elese’s. I mean your dad said you wouldn’t amount to anything, an ex said you were ugly, control, a failure etc.. Those things echo over and over in your ear. I know I said things to my ex that I never meant I just couldn’t handle my own pain so I said what I felt about myself so I could bring her to my level. I will say that there are things she said to me that right now if I hear them I revert back in my thought process.  I never  knew if my ex liked the way I looked.Now if someone says your very handsome. I kinda of give an half ass thank you and feel sick at my stomach that they would tell me that. I don’t feel that but it doesn’t matter what someone else’s think of us unless we feel that way. I want to not feel like a failure and I m going etc.. but I don’t YET. I m slowly getting over those things. I can choose to listen to the tapes in my head and live a miserable life or get closet to God and here what he thinks about me and then guess what I will see myself that way and also be able to accept what others say to me in a positive way.

I know people right now that try to buy, drink, medicate or move away from their problems. The one thing that never changes is that Wherever you go there you are. You can’t run from you. Catch yourself and fix your crap. It can be done. They say people don’t change. I know now personally that’s the biggest line of crap ever. If this sorry broken ma can change you can too, but you have to stop the tapes in your head. Hell press pause for a second and yes stop and smell the roses.

Booker T Washington Said this and it is so true: A person’s success should be measure, not so much by the position he has reached as by the obstacles which he has overcome.

 

 








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