Day 411 A letter for Tyler

26 02 2014

Day 411 A letter for Tyler.





Day 411 A letter for Tyler

26 02 2014

I enjoy Denny’s and ate their last night. I have learned a little more spanish will all my years in construction and because the kitchen is open at Denny’s you hear a lot.  The cook  was talking about a girl he loved but she didn’t love him. The other cook  was crude and said typical guy stuff and the cook said you don’t understand I love her and you don’t do that to someone you love.  It was refreshing to hear a man think that way and I wish the women who didn’t love him could have heard him because her heart might have changed.

I had counseling today which no matter how I feel when I leave it’s always good and productive. We talked today about loneliness and some things about deep down how I feel that I just to grasp and deal with. Some days a tire iron on the back of the head would feel better but if being the best man I could be was easy I wouldn’t be there.

In May its been two years since the words I want a divorce were uttered. I have gotten a Harvard education since then on life and what comes with it. I can say that the outcome is better than I ever imagined, and has come with many aspects of pain. This letter to myself is to remind me of what I didn’t want to believe or think was possible and continue with what Im doing!

Dear Tyler,

You doubted yourself since you could remember, nothing was ever enough for you, you thought that everything you touched would turn to crap, I understand that you were raised to be perfect and when you didn’t make perfection it took life out of you.  Look at the lives your touching through your words and actions, your children are proud of you and you’re an amazing father. You make their life better and if someone spends anytime with you they will tell you that they are better for it. I know you get afraid and avoid people so they won’t hurt or you hurt them but look what you did when you stepped up and didn’t avoid them. It’s okay to say good things about yourself because you are good and people need to hear the good and not just the bad. You have helped a lot of people behind the scenes and they have no idea and where it came from and that’s what you need to continue to do. You have to learn to receive: compliments, love and sometimes a gift if needed. That may be your biggest fault and I know you’re a giver but if you can’t receive then you will never be the best giver. When people give to you that’s them sharing a part of them and you kill their joy so stop it. I know you tell jokes and make people laugh because it helps you. Sometimes you need to tell jokes so you can laugh. Not that fake laugh or smile but where you leave and your genuinely happy your were there. Stop and listen you only have done that twice you can remember in the past 2 years but remember the peace and tears it brought to your eyes.

Your mom and sister know you love  them and you have gone above and beyond taking care of them. Stop beating yourself up and know they think you’re the best. Keep dreaming and don’t let anyone kill or destroy your dream. You have made it this far and your dreams are pretty amazing. Remember its your dream nobody elses. Go visit those people and continue to reach out to them because you know the pain of isolation. Don’t give up on anyone.  Those Facebook messages you send encouraging a friend continue they need them. Get on a plane or car and go do for you. Take those trips and know they fill your soul. Your friends are great and always let them know.  Finally you have dated some great women if you feel you messed up and pushed them away go back. The only burned bridges are the ones that can’t be rebuilt. If you feel the urge to ask a girl out do it all she can say is no and life taught you the more no’s you get the closer you are to yes.  Im proud of the man you are Tyler you’re an example don’t quit!!





Day 411 A letter for Tyler

25 02 2014

I enjoy Denny’s and ate their last night. I have learned a little more spanish will all my years in construction and because the kitchen is open at Denny’s you hear a lot.  The cook  was talking about a girl he loved but she didn’t love him. The other cook  was crude and said typical guy stuff and the cook said you don’t understand I love her and you don’t do that to someone you love.  It was refreshing to hear a man think that way and I wish the women who didn’t love him could have heard him because her heart might have changed.

I had counseling today which no matter how I feel when I leave it’s always good and productive. We talked today about loneliness and some things about deep down how I feel that I just to grasp and deal with. Some days a tire iron on the back of the head would feel better but if being the best man I could be was easy I wouldn’t be there.

In May its been two years since the words I want a divorce were uttered. I have gotten a Harvard education since then on life and what comes with it. I can say that the outcome is better than I ever imagined, and has come with many aspects of pain. This letter to myself is to remind me of what I didn’t want to believe or think was possible and continue with what Im doing!

Dear Tyler,

You doubted yourself since you could remember, nothing was ever enough for you, you thought that everything you touched would turn to crap, I understand that you were raised to be perfect and when you didn’t make perfection it took life out of you.  Look at the lives your touching through your words and actions, your children are proud of you and you’re an amazing father. You make their life better and if someone spends anytime with you they will tell you that they are better for it. I know you get afraid and avoid people so they won’t hurt or you hurt them but look what you did when you stepped up and didn’t avoid them. It’s okay to say good things about yourself because you are good and people need to hear the good and not just the bad. You have helped a lot of people behind the scenes and they have no idea and where it came from and that’s what you need to continue to do. You have to learn to receive: compliments, love and sometimes a gift if needed. That may be your biggest fault and I know you’re a giver but if you can’t receive then you will never be the best giver. When people give to you that’s them sharing a part of them and you kill their joy so stop it. I know you tell jokes and make people laugh because it helps you. Sometimes you need to tell jokes so you can laugh. Not that fake laugh or smile but where you leave and your genuinely happy your were there. Stop and listen you only have done that twice you can remember in the past 2 years but remember the peace and tears it brought to your eyes.

Your mom and sister know you love  them and you have gone above and beyond taking care of them. Stop beating yourself up and know they think you’re the best. Keep dreaming and don’t let anyone kill or destroy your dream. You have made it this far and your dreams are pretty amazing. Remember its your dream nobody elses. Go visit those people and continue to reach out to them because you know the pain of isolation. Don’t give up on anyone.  Those Facebook messages you send encouraging a friend continue they need them. Get on a plane or car and go do for you. Take those trips and know they fill your soul. Your friends are great and always let them know.  Finally you have dated some great women if you feel you messed up and pushed them away go back. The only burned bridges are the ones that can’t be rebuilt. If you feel the urge to ask a girl out do it all she can say is no and life taught you the more no’s you get the closer you are to yes.  Im proud of the man you are Tyler you’re an example don’t quit!!





Day 409 I promise you this

24 02 2014

I got to start one of my purposes in life today. I got to speak my testimony with Rock Bottom Outreach! The group of people is amazing and real and I couldn’t  ask for more! It was very real received and I hope my words and being vulnerable will continue to let others not feel so isolated and  give them a sense of hope!

Besides me as anyone ever wondered what is in dog pee that would let a dog spend 2-3 minutes smelling it! It has to be magic. I honestly think my dog would sit all day and smell pee If I allowed her.  I have cleaned dog pee and I don’t get but I also don’t sit around and smell butts like dogs so I guess I just have to know I will never know the magic of dog pee.

I promise! The most wasted words in the English! Dictionary.com says the definition of a promise is: A declaration assuring that one will or will not do something; a vow.  I hear people say I promise, all the time but never follow through. It has become as common as telling someone you I love you. It becomes habit and no meaning. I can say this with certainty that I have never broken a promise. I don’t you those words unless I m going to do what I said. My dad said that all you have is your word and if you promise something to someone you better die before you don’t follow through. I can remember twice in my life where my dad said I promise and he followed through. I have carried that through as well. I promised my kids last Spring Break we would go on a trip  and we did. I have another promise coming to them as well but want to make sure I can. If you know me and like me or don’t you don’t like me you know Im a man of my word. If I promise anyone something I will deliver it come hell or high water. Think about those words before you use them. If you want to break someone apart break a promise and you become hollow to that person. Break a promise to your kid and they will never forget it. Think before you speak and when you speak stand up and follow through. When they put you in that box 6 feet under all your “stuff”doesn’t go with you just the person you were. I promise that!





Day 409 I promise you this

23 02 2014

I got to start one of my purposes in life today. I got to speak my testimony with Rock Bottom Outreach! The group of people is amazing and real and I couldn’t  ask for more! It was very real received and I hope my words and being vulnerable will continue to let others not feel so isolated and  give them a sense of hope!

Besides me as anyone ever wondered what is in dog pee that would let a dog spend 2-3 minutes smelling it! It has to be magic. I honestly think my dog would sit all day and smell pee If I allowed her.  I have cleaned dog pee and I don’t get but I also don’t sit around and smell butts like dogs so I guess I just have to know I will never know the magic of dog pee.

I promise! The most wasted words in the English! Dictionary.com says the definition of a promise is: A declaration assuring that one will or will not do something; a vow.  I hear people say I promise, all the time but never follow through. It has become as common as telling someone you I love you. It becomes habit and no meaning. I can say this with certainty that I have never broken a promise. I don’t you those words unless I m going to do what I said. My dad said that all you have is your word and if you promise something to someone you better die before you don’t follow through. I can remember twice in my life where my dad said I promise and he followed through. I have carried that through as well. I promised my kids last Spring Break we would go on a trip  and we did. I have another promise coming to them as well but want to make sure I can. If you know me and like me or don’t you don’t like me you know Im a man of my word. If I promise anyone something I will deliver it come hell or high water. Think about those words before you use them. If you want to break someone apart break a promise and you become hollow to that person. Break a promise to your kid and they will never forget it. Think before you speak and when you speak stand up and follow through. When they put you in that box 6 feet under all your “stuff”doesn’t go with you just the person you were. I promise that!





Day 406 My Onion layers are afraid

20 02 2014

I want to apolgize for my grammar and spelling I haven’t in a while.When I go back and proof read too much I’ll change it. So its raw

I’m so thankful for God  putting people  in my life that I have taken for granted or forgotten, but no matter what they are there with open arms. I got to see someone who is very special to me and I hadn’t seen her since June. It’s like we never missed beat. I have no idea why we hadn’t spoken or texted but it made my day.  She texted me this after I left: “It was really great seeing you! One of my coworkers said I lit up when I saw you. :) I said yeah because he’s a great human and a dear friend. You really are Tyler. Thanks for coming!” If words like that can’t  carry  you through a week then your feeler is broken! I sometimes forget the good side of me too because Im so hard on myself but I’ll remember today!

Blog topics come from so many different places and the thought for this blog came from Shrek. I was watching Shrek with my babies last night and  Shrek talked about an Ogre having layers like an onion and you have to peel them back one layer at a time to see who they are. I used to be a man who wouldn’t let you touch my first layer because I wouldn’t.  Now I will peel my layers off and expose myself (not like that) because it feels right and the truth sets you free. But there are layers there that somebody who’s going to love me again will get to do and that scares the hell out of me. They are afraid  (the layers) not because I won’t expose them but because she may not have a clue how to deal with them. Women are not the only ones that get ripped apart in a relationship, men do to. I truly believe a women never 100% gives herself to a man because they know who we are and we are going to hurt them. Men do give 100% once they finally give their heart and when they do and it ends bad they die inside.   Then they go punish every women around. Im a special and different man not better. I can do all things a women needs, be a manly man  ,but also be a caring, loving, affectionate man who does with actions and not words. I can be what a women wants and needs, but my fear is can she! Not all but most women have been ripped apart and even though they want a man like me stopped believe in it or settled. So I come around and I scare the crap out of them. They are waiting for the other shoe to drop and say this can’t be real or they leave. If I expose my layers and you sh$t on them I may be done! I can’t go through again what I did and come out a better man! I did this time with blood, sweat, tears and some great encouragement from some special people. Im admitting this: Im afraid, Im scared to do this again! The want is there but the layers are afraid! To fully expose yourself is the hardest thing to do. Pushing send on this blog today will be hard because what society would say :he doesn’t know what he’s talking about , this guy is not a man, he a pu%^y,.  I don’t need someone to love me the way they think is best ,they need to love me the way I need to be loved. We are  all different and not everyone needs to be loved the same. We love the way that feels comfortable to us not what is best for the other person. The book the 5 love languages explains it much better than , but if you keep trying to buy gifts for your significant other  that needs encouraging words but you buy gifts because you like that then I promise your relationships will always fail. I want and need that person to love me until its uncomfortable for them. I will love you that way but you have to be willing to give it back.

So my layers are afraid to give them to her because I know the down side to being peeled back! I will  not lose hope though that there is that women out there that will see the greatness n me and fight for me too. Yes Im flawed and i will piss you off beyond belief, but its worth it. One layer at a time and lets see where it goes!





Day 406 My Onion layers are afraid

20 02 2014

I want to apolgize for my grammar and spelling I haven’t in a while.When I go back and proof read too much I’ll change it. So its raw

I’m so thankful for God  putting people  in my life that I have taken for granted or forgotten, but no matter what they are there with open arms. I got to see someone who is very special to me and I hadn’t seen her since June. It’s like we never missed beat. I have no idea why we hadn’t spoken or texted but it made my day.  She texted me this after I left: “It was really great seeing you! One of my coworkers said I lit up when I saw you. 🙂 I said yeah because he’s a great human and a dear friend. You really are Tyler. Thanks for coming!” If words like that can’t  carry  you through a week then your feeler is broken! I sometimes forget the good side of me too because Im so hard on myself but I’ll remember today!

Blog topics come from so many different places and the thought for this blog came from Shrek. I was watching Shrek with my babies last night and  Shrek talked about an Ogre having layers like an onion and you have to peel them back one layer at a time to see who they are. I used to be a man who wouldn’t let you touch my first layer because I wouldn’t.  Now I will peel my layers off and expose myself (not like that) because it feels right and the truth sets you free. But there are layers there that somebody who’s going to love me again will get to do and that scares the hell out of me. They are afraid  (the layers) not because I won’t expose them but because she may not have a clue how to deal with them. Women are not the only ones that get ripped apart in a relationship, men do to. I truly believe a women never 100% gives herself to a man because they know who we are and we are going to hurt them. Men do give 100% once they finally give their heart and when they do and it ends bad they die inside.   Then they go punish every women around. Im a special and different man not better. I can do all things a women needs, be a manly man  ,but also be a caring, loving, affectionate man who does with actions and not words. I can be what a women wants and needs, but my fear is can she! Not all but most women have been ripped apart and even though they want a man like me stopped believe in it or settled. So I come around and I scare the crap out of them. They are waiting for the other shoe to drop and say this can’t be real or they leave. If I expose my layers and you sh$t on them I may be done! I can’t go through again what I did and come out a better man! I did this time with blood, sweat, tears and some great encouragement from some special people. Im admitting this: Im afraid, Im scared to do this again! The want is there but the layers are afraid! To fully expose yourself is the hardest thing to do. Pushing send on this blog today will be hard because what society would say :he doesn’t know what he’s talking about , this guy is not a man, he a pu%^y,.  I don’t need someone to love me the way they think is best ,they need to love me the way I need to be loved. We are  all different and not everyone needs to be loved the same. We love the way that feels comfortable to us not what is best for the other person. The book the 5 love languages explains it much better than , but if you keep trying to buy gifts for your significant other  that needs encouraging words but you buy gifts because you like that then I promise your relationships will always fail. I want and need that person to love me until its uncomfortable for them. I will love you that way but you have to be willing to give it back.

So my layers are afraid to give them to her because I know the down side to being peeled back! I will  not lose hope though that there is that women out there that will see the greatness n me and fight for me too. Yes Im flawed and i will piss you off beyond belief, but its worth it. One layer at a time and lets see where it goes!





Day 404 Top 15 Most beautiful women for me to date

19 02 2014

Day 404 Top 15 Most beautiful women for me to date.





Day 404 Top 15 Most beautiful women for me to date

18 02 2014

A very busy day for my kids and I. My son screams out loud this morning at 4:10 that he couldn’t move. It was one of those blood curdling screams. I run into his room and he won’t move. I was freaked out and long story short he had a crick in his neck and he was worried he was broken so he didn’t move. I never went back to sleep. My ex also had neck fusion surgery and it really was freaking my daughter out. It went very well and I took our kids to see their mom this afternoon. Mom gets to go home tomorrow and the kids are happy.

I’m always so serious in my blogs so here is a break. These are the 15 most beautiful and datable women for me. I know this couldn’t happen, but if and I mean if it could happen here’s who I would date. Feel free to agree or disagree but its my blog so I get to type this!

Mila Kunis- Shes hot, Russian and did I mention she was hot

Rita Hayworth – The women from the old days were just gorgeous and so natural.

Marilyn Monroe- Beautiful and wild

Salema Hayek- I love Hispanic women and in the movies when she gets angry well

Kate Beckinsale= One of the prettiest women I have ever seen

Beyonce- Damn and those dance moves

Rachel McAdams- The All- American girl and gorgeous and the kind of women that you only know the best part of her

Halle Berry- She got me in the movie Boomerang and I haven’t stopped crushing on her.

Leighton Meester- Her hair and eyes! Those red heads are tough

Gabrielle Union – In a movie Bring it on abot Cheerleaders. Well I cheered for her!

Mia Hamm- My first sports girl love!

Irina Shayk- Russian model enough said

Eva Mendez- Hispanic, gorgeous and could look a hole in me and it would be okay!

Lynda Carter- Wonder woman and the first women that ever made my pants go crazy

Mellisa McCartney- Any women that funny is someone I would love to date!





Day 403 I love women with low self-esteem

17 02 2014

If you have never been to West Texas you need to go just to say  you have been but don’t stop in Midland. I have been there 6 times and stayed there each time. Yesterday we drove 5.5 hrs there to play Rugby and we won 55-14, and the same to drive back. There is nothing there except a booming oil and gas business, dust, tumble  weeds and stickers. The dust was so bad yesterday when we had a water break I felt like I was making mud in mouth. First the first time since 2007 I play the full 80 minutes and lets just say my body is beyond pissed today but it was fun! I also had my kids stay with my mom and sister for some great family time there. For me it’s so important that get that time.

When I hear men talk about women it drives me insane mostly because Im trying everyday to be a man who my daughter can learn and follow,  women would be glad to know, be thankful that their daughter was dating me and that the person I was dating would say this is the best decision I have ever made. It wasn’t always like that though and for a long time I didn’t even know. During my 5.5 car ride I listened to Comedy Central radio and heard at least twice about thank God girls have daddy issues and if women had a good self-esteem they would never had gotten laid. Guess what ” THAT’S NOT FUNNY” I was a guy who picked  up women that had a low self-esteem because I knew what to say at the right time, because that’s what i wanted to hear. I knew if someone paid me a compliment, told me they loved me I would have fallen head over heals too. I have actually said in my past I love women with a low self-esteem, and now that my path has changed I can’t apologize  enough for my sickening behavior. I was hurt too which is no excuse so I took advantage of my crappy feelings and used them on someone else. Said part it was easy! These are not conscious thoughts by women but this is what they portray a lot of the times and if you don’t believe ask men: Most girls have done nothing to deserve self-esteem, Insecurity is integral to femininity, Women don’t want to have high self-esteem. Not saying every women but many do and don’t even know there doing it.

If I sat writing this saying I hadn’t been ripped apart, lied to, had shots at my self-esteem, cried, brought to my knees about women, but never did some other women deserve what I dished out. My mom taught me better and now finally Im listening.  Since my divorce I have had some great women that either I dated or friends with that taught me so much about women and what they are really looking for and can go back further that I may not be walking this earth of it wasn’t for a few women that helped me to see myself in a different light and built up my spirit, and soul. From that

Our greatest joy comes from deeply loving others, male or female, gay or straight, short or tall, fat or skinny. It’s about seeing someone as exactly who they are and who they aren’t, and learning to love an imperfect person perfectly. Light comes from being vulnerable with people, by trusting in the goodness of their hearts, and by giving yourself to your family, your friends, and to your significant other. Life is not a male vs. female issue. It is in fact a person to person collaboration. I think we have lost sight of that. We have lost sight of the fact that our material world is special because it is filled with unique individuals who all have the capacity to love one another deeply and to shine light in places of darkness.I’m no fool, I know that there are people in the world that do terrible things to others and hurt people deeply. However, we can’t make generalizations about an entire gender or  anyone else for that matter because we happened to have certain events occur throughout our lifetime. Our life is not the life of others. If we continue to focus on what makes us different we will never be able to relate to each other. The exact same event will never happen in the exact same way to two people…ever. However, if we decide that it is more important to feel empathetic towards others and to connect with them on an emotional level, that is where the true magic happens. That is how relationships are built, walls are broken down, and love infectiously spreads into the deepest darkest cracks of this earth. (Thank you Evan Sanders Better Man project)

I can still pick out the girl who has a crappy self-esteem but I try to build up and not take. I try to be an example and offer words of encouragement. I know now that my future spouse with struggle with self esteem but knows that her happiness in her self-will come from God and herself  and Im only there to enhance it not be it. If you’re a guy preying on that girl I’m watching you and if you accidentally get tripped and hit your head Im sorry but lesson learned! lol








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