Day 10 Very motivational

Great day today spent it at the Ambit Ambition Conference in Dallas. Meet some great people what a positive group of folks. Had a slow day talking to friends and supporters that I normally talk to and I missed it.

I got my kids back today. Its such a stressful time when I get them. I went back in my old house today so we could talk about our sons birthday. I was never so glad to leave a place. I got in the car and my daughter told me some information that still 4 hours later I m trying to process. We have to wake up extra early tomorrow because we have to drive a good ways to get them to school but I will enjoy the drive and time with so much.

I heard some motivational things today that I have said in this blog but it was worded a different way.

Life is a series of inconsequential choices either good or bad. With every little choice we make you change positive or negative impact in your life. Only I am responsible for my success. When good things happen we take the credit when bad happens  we blame. Only we are responsible for us. Finally take massive positive action.

Listen the first time: Unteachable fools do not understand why people come at them with such force. To use a common phrase they are clueless. People who love them and do not want to see them hurt usually tell them the truth in a kind way. When the info is ignored, those loving friends and family say it a little more forcibly, When that is ignored they go for the throat. Then I or we reject it because it was an attack. I used to wonder why do people talk to me this way how yeah because I wouldn’t listen when they spoke gently. So they had to get in my face.
Please listen and ponder this please:
NOT EVERY LESSON IN LIFE IS TAUGHT IN LOVE.NOT EVERY TEACHER WILL BE SEEKING GOOD. MAKE NO MISTAKE, HOWEVER EVERY PERSON IS OUR TEACHER, AND EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE IS A CLASSROOM. WINNING THE ARGUMENT DOES NOT MEAN WE WILL WIN AT LIFE vERBALLY DEFEATING OUR ACCUSER WILL NOT DELIVER US FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF OUR ACTIONS. INSTEAD OUR DEFENSIVE ACTIONS USUALLY STIR THE FIRES  OF ACCUSATION.

THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO RESPOND TO ACCUSATION OR CRITICISM THAT WILL PRODUCE PEACE AND PERSONAL GROWTH RATHER THAN PAIN AND DISTRESS. WHEN WE REALIZE THAT, THOUGH EVERYTHING MAY BOT BE INTENDED FOR YOUR GOOD, YOU CAN STILL MAKE IT WORK TO YOUR GOOD, THEN THE MISGUIDED CRITICISM OF OTHERS CAUSE YOU LITTLE PAIN.

 

Day 9 Yeah that’s it

We think everything in life is based on feelings but its about choices. My question was to Brian (My counselor) was is there such thing as a soul mate. I don’t believe that anymore. I believe as long as things are compatible we make a choice to love someone for the rest of our lives. The feelings of love, romance, can waver. We get to the point that we say my spouse is not logical, maybe gained weight, has weird views, now etc.. With all the changes that we still have to make a choice to love. Sometimes we lose that loving feeling feeling but we never lose the choice to love.

I have continued read the book about how to stop the Pain. It’s a book about judgement.

I have learned so much from it  but this is the most  important lesson. Listen when your enemies critize you. They’ll tell you the truth that your friends avoid.
For some judgement is a red flag they wave every time they face scrutiny. ITs a defense mechanism of the foolish, the cry of the victim. It means whereby those who lack understanding are able to avoid any form of criticism. You are judging me. may be the ultimate defense. Proverbs says if you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject criticism, you only harm yourself but if you  listen to corection you grow in understanding. I have never heard criticism that was pleasant. There is not a person in the world who does not have to put forth extra effort in order to respond positively to criticism. Even when criticism is spoken for harm, it can be turned to good if we have the heart from it. It could be the only thing that helps us face our foolishness. Criticism is what we experience when we will not learn by teaching.

I can honestly say my ex did me a great favor. I thought she was my enemy but I didn’t have the heart to listen. I thought she was trying to destroy me but did the greatest favor. I thought what she was doing was a weapon of destruction but it brought about the greatest attitude change in my life. I became teachable in that negative situation and I m so thankful for it. What she was doing, was expressing her dislike, points out my fault our criticized my efforts. She was making an observation but I thought it was a judgement. The opinion may be right or wrong, it may be delivered in an inappropriate manner but I had the CHOICE to learn from it or not.

 

 

Day 8 Judgement Sucks

Ive missed my mens so group so much. Its great to have a group of men that I can be myself and they hold me accountable. I can be real and know there is no judgement. I invite all of you men to join our group. WHat more could it hurt right.

I ve talked so much about judgement and the pain, and loss it can cause. I know as long as I m alive I will be judge because I m divorced, bankruptcy, etc. If you know I have change and I so want people to see that and quit lumping me in with the rest of the world. It happened but luckily I m at a point that I can be okay with those people leaving my life and not hold a grudge or feel I need to justify who I m.

They were giving away free cornuts today at a convenience store in Dallas and I have never smelled a worst case of feet than that. I never associated feet and corn nuts but I will never eat them again. Yuck!

I would say last night was the first time I really didn’t want to be at divorce recovery. Its sad to be there and I m ready for the next step in my development. One of my freinds in divorce recovery got his papers this weekend. She actually wanted the house and money and in return he got his kids, So he bought his kids from his wife. I can’t believe that people would do that but we can’t judge but it will all come back one day.

Rule 4 A lesson is repeated until learned:

You can’t move on to the next life lesson until you learn from the one you are dealing with. We all want to fix everything at once and its not possible. If you half ass fix a lesson learned you will repeat and wind up back at square one.
 Have you ever married or dated the same person several times with different names and bodies. Same boss same problems with friends and co-workers. In counseling it was talked about that if you don’t heal that you will remarry and probably divorce the same person as the first. Why lessons aren’t learned. The only way to free yourself of difficult patterns and issues is to shift your perspective so you can see patterns and learn the lessons they offer. How many of us have said I deserve better than what I just got away from. Yes you do but your going to keep going back to it because YOU haven’t healed or seen your crap. Try to avoid it all you want  it will catch up with you I promise try me.

You can’t become into consciousness without the pain of life. You have to realize and release your past and patterns. I know its change and change sucks but its a lot better than living in the dismal life we were. If you will realize and release change happens even when you don’t know that it is.

Life doesn’t require that we be the best- only that we try our best. H Jackson Brown Jr.

Day 7: First day of school

First day of school for my beautiful daughter.She looked so amazingly beautiful. I m so thankful God allows me to be her father. She called me today after school and talked with me for 20 minutes about her day and how much she loved her teacher. She’s an amazing student and her teacher is lucky to have her.

It was one rough day for me. There are a lot of firsts after a divorce and driving to my old home and walking my daughter to school was one of those. I was so heart broken that I had to drive away and new that she would have to call me and tell me about her day on the phone rather than face to face. She has such an electric personalty I missed it but was so glad to hear from her.

 

I’m pretty emotional wiped out so I m not going to write a book as normal. I had a friend ask me what I would bring into the next relationship and what I learned. I ve been working on it for a week. If you know anyone interested in a guy like this let them know.

Let me know what you think about what I will bring to my next relationship.

If there is truly a women that wants this in a man at least try me.
You always want to keep my gaze, you’re the only one I want to see,And that’s the one thing that won’t change I’ll never stop trying, watching as you leave losing my breath as u look back at me with that smile. I ll never stop holding your hand, opening  your door,and choosing you. I will never get used to you.
I screwed up once and never again do I want that. When your at the the depths of hell in your life I want to be there in whatever capacity you need or want. I want you to know that I take vows seriously and when it meant for better or worse I will be there in any situation. I would die for you if allowed to and make you smile when nobody else can.
When your feeling vulnerable, not beautiful and not sure in yourself you will know that one man stands there knowing the greatness and beauty inside you.
When you need that example for your children I know the importance of that and will accept your children with open arms. There are these man out there but stop fearing that and give me the chance.

IT may sound cheesy but its how I feel.

Day 6 Great Weekend

I had a great weekend. I kept myself occupied though which helped. I got to go the Cowboys last night at Cowboys Stadium with two of my divorce care buddies Nick and Nathan. Nathan has great seats in the end zone 4 rows up so when the Cowboys Cheerleaders would dance we got to follow all of their moves closely. I meant see the plays on the filed more closely.

Very powerful message at church today that I know all of us can relate to but wished we couldn’t. I will write about that tomorrow. I wonder why the world struggles to do the right thing. To stand up and say and do what is right rather than waiting for someone else to do it.

Tomorrow my daughter starts 5th grade and its the first year I wont be there to see it. Honestly that really pisses me off but its one of the many things I have to continue to work on. Having my family ripped apart is such a struggle in this, but its better to be apart I guess than not being loved at least that what I continue to be told.

I ll come back to my rules tomorrow I wanted to talk about a little about judgement again. When we make this equal that we are in judgement. In life  we are taught to make associations- to connect one thing to another. Associations can be very powerful tool for good and it can work against us. We tend to associate certain activities , events, words, or even behavior types with past experiences. This is a form of stereotyping. based on associations that we have made, we tend to stereotype others based on their speech, skin color, position of authority, or any number of different factors. Before we reach school age we have created a very complex maze of associations whereby we judge the world around us. We can become very dis trustful of someone and never realize that its a matter of association/ If someone in our past violated our trust and that person had a one particular trait then chances are  we withhold trust from that person.Love does not prejudge. Love allows people to emerge. Though it does not naively give its trust to everyone it does not withhold based on association.When we find ourselves relating to someone in a way hat violates that principle of love  we MUST deal with the issue in our heart. Even if 9 out of 10 people with a particular trait take advantage of us that does not give us the right to judge the tenth.

 

Please continue to make comments and pass this on. I appreciate them and it helps me keep motivated.

 

Day 4 Can

Last night I got to be a bouncer at the North Texas Fair Road Beer Ticket booth. It was awesome people watching and I realized I m getting older. Most of the people buying beer wore born in 1990 or 1991. I told one girl that she was so young and she said when were you born I told her 1975 she said oh my God that was back in black and white TV. SO that sums up that I had nothing to more to say. Just FYI if your a single guy and can’t find a date there just give up.

Had a few great meetings today. Very thankful for the people that God has allowed in my life when I decided to except them. I missed many opportunities in my life because I was so closed off from the world.

Moving onto Rule 3:

There are no mistakes just lessons. When I started to make all of my changes I said here are all the mistakes I made. I know that I ve learned from my failures than successes. No matter what action I took I never knew how the situation would turn out but at least I gave myself an opportunity to fail or succeed. I know I felt so much great disappointment and anger when my plans fell through. I always felt I failed.Even though its normal to jump to this depressing conclusion all we do  is impede our ability to progress in life.

Since I now try to view my hardships of life-disappointments, failed marriage, illness, losses, bankruptcy, other tragedies and chances to learn I am and will become empowered. You can’t become empowered until you can learn compassion. I always thought I was compassionate but I wasn’t. Compassion is opening your heart lowering my emotional barriers and connect with others by seeing them in a light of not what the world says they are but what God sees them as.

Every lesson (not mistake) happens so you can learn. nothing more nothing less.

Life is a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle that you open the box and dump the pieces on the floor. Some pieces go under the couch and you cant find them. Some never seem to fit and sometimes yo just get tired of looking at the puzzle. In the jigsaw puzzle of life love is what its all about.

Never tell someone that you don’t love the, never loved them, or their not loveable. As I continue to grow what my ex said to me about not loving me or not sure she ever did is the hardest part of me to stitch up. There is no one that doesn’t want to be loved. I want want to be loved more than anything and I know as time comes and goes I will begin to feel that. Its a stitch on a heart that’s the easiest to come apart and the hardest to stay closed.

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

 

Pass this on.

Day 3 It worked

Switch days for the kids. I hate this day because when I come home its so quite and lonely. Being a single parent sucks. Its probably the one thing I struggle the most with my anger. If you ever think it wont effect your kids it will and it will effect you be careful what you wish for.

I got to go to my hometown today and do some estimate for a high school friend and the Old Times Review Sports writer Pete Kendall. It was great seeing him and sharing stories. No matter how long you have been away from your old home town its still the same.

Tonight is meet the teacher night. Its our first time out as a divorced couple. So we will get the stares and the other BS that comes along with it. You that are reading this that will see us tonight I see you whispering about me and yeah I am that happy and I know I look good too. Sorry for being an ass but I know whats coming. Also I’ll be out the North Texas State Fair and Rodeo recruiting for the Denton Rugby team  come out and support.

I m going to continue on highlighting on my rule two last night. I have heard hundreds of times about how unfair this situation was. Life isn’t fair and again I was 50% responsible and one of the oldest men in my life group to me this quote ” I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.”

OUr fairness is the expectation of equity-the assumption that all things are equal and justice prevails. Well if you believe that I have a lottery ticket I can give you. I won I just don’t want to cash it in.
You can’t complaining about it not being fair because honestly nobody gives a crap. They want the same thing you do. All this does is creates bitterness and resentment.

Have you seen someone who seems really happy all the time and you think what drug do they smoke. Maybe they have found their grace. Its so difficult to describe but easy to recognize.Everything happens for a reason and you can either accept it or you don’t then you can be miserable You will be given whatever is right for you no matter how far off it may be from your personal agenda. If you like to make God laugh tell him your plans..

 

 

 

Day 2 Very emotional

Just FYI I got twitter finally: @Tywood72. I also will start using WordPress because its easier to write my blog in. o use tywood12.wordpress.com

Today was a very emotional day. I had a hard talk with a family member and one with a friend. Both cried! Also I went and visited some people who have been like parents to me today. Has always they fill me with the right info and today was no different. She asked me what I was mad about and I sad I was past that point, but she dug up 3 things that I m still mad at and one actually came up last night. Her intention wasn’t to make me cry but I did. Anger, fear etc all come from not feeling worthy. Good thing I always have things to work on.

I also had been the board Chairmen for Meals on Wheels and Span of Denton County for the past two years. I came in during a very difficult time had to fire a friend who was the ED and then ran the organization for 6 months until we got someone hired. I resigned today from the organization because of what I had going on in my life. It was a very emotional speech for me , but i had a ton of support. Once my life started taking a turn for the worst I tried to feel important and needed by joining a bunch of boards about things I was passionate about. I wound up not doing a lot for any. So I have stepped away from Rotary, Meals on Wheels. I have 4 other organizations that I m still working through but my focus has changed and who I want and need to help.

Thanks to sheila, Ed, Slyder, Deanna, for the encouragement today. For the two that asked today I will love again don’t worry.

A few quotes that I hope you can use in your daily life:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Elanor Roosevelt

It aint no sin to be glad your alive Bruce Springsteen

When experience is viewed in a certain way, it presents nothing but doorways into the domain of the soul Jon Kabat Zinn

Rule 2:

I’m enrolled in life- with that comes Lessons and everyday love or hate them they are coming.

I have started searching why am I here and my purpose. Mine is unique and separate from yours. I can’t learn any of those without my lessons. I know that I will have to face challenges you want and you that I want . I used to sit and wonder why someone had a wonderful marriage and mine sucked. Why someone had abundance and I did not. I learned that the hard way because everything in my life was taken from me before I learned that except my children. We make a choice if we want to learn them  its only up to us. I know that I can’t be a victim any longer and life no longer just happens to me.. I have learned gifts about myself that I never knew I had it wasn’t easy but its becoming rewarding.

Getting back to me just a bit I spoke to my almost fist fight with my customer probably one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. We struggled throughout the rest of 2009 but there was light at the end of the tunnel I thought. I mentioned I was paying 7K a month to service debt (just paying minimums). I was sporadic not taking a check just making sure that my subs, suppliers, and employees got paid. I had started trying to rebrand the company with new logo, colors, etc to go after a different market and change the culture. Well I did that and what it did allowed me to file business bankruptcy and start fresh in business. This is one of the worst problems in Texas. You can screw up anything and then just go open something else. Sept 18th 2009 we filed the business bankruptcy. I truly believed this was the last day my ex wanted anything to do with me. It marked all my failures. We actually had a small Christmas party which was the highlight of the year because we made it to Christmas. I had no guidance during this process at all if I would have I would have shut the company down and paid my dues. I kept getting encouragement to move forward and every time something good happened bad then crept in. I was elected to the Greater Dallas HBA Remodler’s Council Chairmen. It took a lot of time and energy and I failed miserably at that as well. There was nothing good going on.
I kept moving forward and then something I really never knew was going to happen did all of the business debt was in my name and the creditors wanted their money. They started coming after it and they were ruthless.