Day 1629 Let’s run away

20 08 2017
School has started and I have a 10th grader and a 3rd grader. Either I’m getting old or time is passing to fast.  I know that seeing them grow up is a great feeling. Parenting is tough though. My Lord where is the manual?
We all want to run away.  Some people actually run they pack up, sell their home, and go somewhere that it will be”different”. Some people put on headphones and actually run hoping at the end of the mileage “its gone”. Some just get in the car and drive with no destination in site. Hoping when they return “its gone”. We spend hours, tears, new jobs, money, relationships, trying  to see if we can make sure “its gone”.
“Its gone” is us. Pastor TD  Jakes  says run from the garbage and people etc.. Run to what you want, problem is we usually run from the things we don’t want, not to what we do want.
I get people sending me things all the time and I was sent this:

There is no such thing as taking the right road, every time, but the road you take can turn into one you’re meant to be on. You choose whether to ‘stop’ along the way or keep going. Imperfection is part of everyone and is a part of decision making in life. Don’t let that mountain you’re traveling on crumble on top of you so that you can’t get back up. When that first rock falls, start to run and keep running until you are out of harm’s way. Stay away from the rubble.
What I take from this is that we have to be okay being imperfect! We cant run from that. We all want to be perfect and when we don’t lets run away. Now don’t get me wrong running away to break routine and getting a fresh thought is great but we have to run back.
My dad used to tell me when I was in high school that no matter where you go,  even the other end of the earth, everything will be the same because you are there. You can’t run away from you. Once the new of a person or area wheres off the person in the mirror is still you.
So run away but turn right back around because before you go trying to find this magic happiness and fulfillment stand in place and fix what is here. Then run but do it for fun quit trying to escape you because you are really great. I promise.




Day 1615 Lets get naked

6 08 2017

First I want to thank you all for reading this blog. It’s so cool that people all over the world can read this. Looking at all the countries I wonder if I weird in foreign countries too.

Second I get a lot what does the day in your title mean. Well in this case 1615 days ago I started a car trip to Virginia by myself. to see one of my closet friends. I prayed and promised myself that my life would change for the better starting that day and would never be the same. So here we are 1615 days later. Its been one hell of a roller coaster but its been a blast.

I hope the title got you to read! I have been the physical naked more times that you want to hear. It was the only way I knew to love for the longest time or feel I was important. I hurt so many women over the years. It wasn’t purposeful just thought being naked meant I was enough. So shirt off,pants off and you liked me.

I hope for most of us with age comes wisdom, if not you hit your rock bottom and I promise you get wiser or you get buried.  I learned that not only does my value not coming from being physically naked but you want someone to love, like, or respect you: LETS GET REALLY NAKED. I hate small talk every bit of it, I could care less what’s up! I’m going to give or get a generic answer anyway so why I ask. The naked I want is the soul bearing, tear filled, biggest smile type of naked, clothes on or off I don’t care. I want to talk about: death, aliens, birthdays cake, what makes you cry, why you became insecure, why you fake it, music, the meaning of life,  the lies you live, your favorite smells, the quirks that nobody knows because you feel you’ll be judged, your childhood, your first crush, why you watch the ceiling fan spin at night, why does asparagus make your pee smell so bad, why you don’t like peanuts but love peanut butter. I want to know your emotions, what your depth is. Why you’re twisted.  I learned not to judge but question. When you know someone who is  feeling that,  that feeling only comes from God. if you know me and say you’re the weirdest person I know but I love your soul. Mission accomplished!

Don’t get me wrong I love the physical naked but learning what it takes to be real makes relationships powerful. I know you can’t get naked with everyone because most wont get it and that’s okay. So to me from you let’s get naked. Real is exposing your soul and not giving a damn! I’m ready for the real naked time!!

Thanks for reading

 





Day 1544 Superman needs to wash his cape

17 05 2017

Hi Blog world well its Texas so you know its hot and humid. You walk outside after a shower you smell like a wet puppy and your pores look like clear plastic bowls. At least you can get a good tan and the smell of cooked bacon is rampant.

A sincere thank you for those who read my thoughts. To be honest it feels good when someone tell your thoughts, or being authentic and real helped me. Men don’t do what you do so you provide hope! When I die I hope the line is out the door and every person would say, he loved me, he was weird, honest, real and he provided me hope on my worst days. If that happens I left behind an amazing legacy. If I haven’t  yet I hope to do that soon.

Super man had a cape a pretty cool cape actually. Superman was 6th Halloween costume and when it was over I still wore the cape Sometimes I was clothed and sometimes I wasn’t but that’s another blog. The point is once I put that cape on I could do anything, I could fly, rescue my dog, bury my hot wheels deep in the dirt and find them, almost catch a squirrel, for 5 yards I was faster than a car. Point is with it on I could do anything it was my badge of honor. It had to be washed sometimes because it went everywhere with me and it went from  red to a dark brown. When I took it off I was just Normal Jason Tyler Wood. Nothing to save, no super hero, no one to cheer me on. So I needed the cape I thought.

10 years old my dad came to me and said son you’re the man of the family. I put on a permanent cape but I didn’t know it at the time. I put on a cape because my dad donated his to me. It was my badge, it was me rescuing everyone, me saving everything that need to be saved, me putting the world on my shoulders. A 10-year-old boy  trying to figure out a world but I didn’t even know how to shave. I wore it well though, my parents were proud of me told me I was doing a good job. I couldn’t let them down, I couldn’t take my cape off and wash it. I mean my family and world needed me. I couldn’t let myself down. This imaginary cape I was wearing my identity. I should be a 10 year old boy doing 10 year old boy stuff. I was busy trying to be responsible all the time, fixing adult problems and figuring out a way to get my family out of the hell it was in. At the same time developing an anger problem because I didn’t have the answers, fighting my way out of problems, loving people so they would love but knowing how to. I prayed people would like me and see what I was doing was awesome. They would shout my name to my greatness. I was creating the Tyler idol.

I could go through every year and tell you how I wore the cape without washing it,  how it was tattered, had holes in but I was going to retire it or even take it off. August 27th 2011 the cape fell without my wanting it to and I tried to take my life.  The cape and I ran out of answers. I looked at and wanted to put it back on but didn’t know how to tie it around my neck anymore. Who was I , I had no identity, my cape was destroyed but I didn’t know what to do without it.

The closer I’ve got to God I realize he’s my cape. I thought for the longest time he was my Kryptonite but I was so wrong. The problem is sometimes the 6-year-old boy comes out in me and I put on a cape. I try to rescue everything again, I want to save everything. I put everyone’s burden on me and then I trip over the cape.

I hope you get the story: I know to many people who wear capes everyday. Its tiring, it hurts and it makes life miserable. We weren’t meant to wear a cape, that’s for comic book hero’s.  Untie your cape, wash it, and put it in a nice box and store it. You don’t have to be Superman there’s  one superman and he will carry our cape.

No matter how strong you are it’s better to read about superman that carrying the burden of trying to be. This Halloween go as  adult superman and put on that cape enjoy it but then take it off and realize those days of pretending are over. Its time to live again.





Day 1527 Please Daddy hold my hand

30 04 2017

 

I hope all of you are well. I’m going to get right into it today

I can remember 4 times in my life my dad held my hand. I was about 5 years old at the fort worth zoo and it was really crowded. I’m not sure why remember that but I do remember the feeling of how good it felt.

2nd time was my junior year of high school and I had just had a major operation on my leg. My dad wheeled me out on the football field and each teammate came by and high-fived me and when they were done I was crying. He grabbed my hand and said you’ll be their next year.
3rd time was my college graduation. My dad was very sick at this time and always in pain. Since W. Is in my last name I was at the end. He sat through the entire graduation. When I got to get over to my parents I stuck my hand out to shake his. He shook it but then it went from that to locking hands. He was crying and said thank you for always fulfilling my dreams of what my son could be.
Finally February 11 2005, my dad went into a coma at home. I got to my parents  at 11:00 pm. After hours of talking to him, they said he could hear me, I got up went outside and talked to God and said please take him. If you didn’t know I had a father wound, and was embarrassed and at times hated my dad. I was so ready for him to die. Around 7:00 am I went to his bed and laid down next to him. I took his hand and locked it with mine. I know he wanted that. At 720 am he took his last breath and I felt life leave him through my hand and his.
Why do i tell you this? I always wanted my dad to hold my hand and bring me along. That’s not what men did back then even though it was the most memorable and heartfelt things we did. I just never told him.
When I got my 2nd chance at life in 2011 I said I will hold my kids hands always especially my son. I guess I always have it’s because 2nd nature for me so I don’t realize I’m doing it.
Yesterday we were at a memorial service  and I’m very lovey with my kids. Rubbing their head, holding hands etc…as we sat at the service doing those things I was realizing how much my son loved to hold my hand.
We were leaving the memorial and a very old gentleman came up to me and said that boy if yours sure loves you. I said yes sir he does. He said you have no idea how I know do you? No sir I don’t. I saw you rubbing his head, but what caught my eye is every time you stood up to sing you locked hands and you held it the whole time. Remember this son, your teaching him love and continue so you won’t regret what you didn’t do. Yes sir and I hugged him.
So hold my hand daddy I need you. I wont forget that old man yesterday or the love my sin has for me. When I think I’m failing them im doing more than I realized.




Day 1361 You cant see it

9 11 2016

The election is over and we survived. I think most people did. I wish people cared about their own lives as much as they care about things they have no control over. It’s a lesson we as a people may never understand or follow. In my short 41 years I see people fighting over politics trying to change someone else’s mind but they will continue to go to a job everyday they hate and they have control over it.

If I had my life to live over again I wouldn’t need to see it. I would just do it.  What are you talking about Tyler? We resist change because we have to see the whole staircase put together but until we do life stays the same. We wake up unhappy, stay in turbulent times, continue making the same mistakes, not wanting to deal with pain of rejection, failure, criticize  , losing, defeat, not being liked etc.  So we duck the pain popping up to see if the staircase is complete then we think we will walk right over and take the world by the private parts. Martin Luther King said that faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole staircase. Think about how many things in life you didn’t do because you didn’t the end of the road or top of the staircase. Life is about pain you can’t hide from it. So we think lets not take the step and therefore I don’t get hurt. That’s such a lie because of the regret of life is the hardest to cope with and it never is forgotten.

Most us go through life trying to pretend it okay when it’s not. Hoping we please someone else that can’t please themselves. Rather than saying I listened to them long enough and I know what I’ve already lost and now I’m going to do what is best for me. There is a quote not sure who from but it goes something like this: Courage is what feels most right for you! Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste death but once. Meaning they taste the fear but move forward.

Please today take the leap of faith, build the staircase one step at a time, start putting the puzzle together. You already know what its like to live in pain and fear and all we’ve done is created more fear and deep seeded pain. Where our lives are right now is just now they can be so much better. Think about the mistakes we’ve made, the destruction we created and look how far we have come. Since tomorrow isn’t promised now is a great time to start. Love you!





Day 913 All his strings broke

26 07 2015

You have those moments when parenting when you hear something that you didn’t know you would.  Before I get my kids back, I get nervous because I want to be a super dad but also please don’t let me mess up but every time I do which is okay and because of that this made my day: We were bringing all the their stuff inside from their moms and my son says: Daddy I want to be just like you, I want to be cool and funny like  you, have your cool haircut, get into a car accident and get out okay but most daddy I want to love you the way you love me and sister. I stopped in my tracks and I told him lets please not do the car wreck thing okay, but that means so much to me. I asked him to go inside I’ll be there in a second. I just cried there in the parking lot. Knowing my 6-year-old had those thoughts of me let me know no matter how many times I think I’m blowing it he doesn’t see me the way I see myself. I walked around with a little bigger chest than normal on Friday.

Since Thursday I received 3 phone calls from folks about I think I want to commit suicide. Side note: You want to serve God believe me he will give you ample opportunity. Most of the time people have had the talk with themselves but they truly don’t want to kill themselves they just want to know if their okay, if there going to be okay and what to do next. Ive learned what to say but mostly they are lonely and want to talk. Every time I hang up the phone I remember the day I was ready to end it all and better the world without me that takes me to last night. I went and saw Paper Towns and in the first 5 minutes of character development the two main charters are riding their bikes as young kids and there is a man who shot and killed himself. She goes up to the man and says it’s so sad. It later tells in the story he was a 36-year-old man who was getting a divorce and he couldn’t stand the burden or failure ( me). so he killed himself. She then looks at the other character and says all his strings broke. I was stunned because those are the words I had been searching for since that August day to explain how I felt.

If you have ever seen a piano or guitar with every string busted it’s a mess. Your thoughts are throw it away and start over. I felt at that moment in 2011 all of my strings were broke and its time to throw it away but with no starting over. When all your strings are broke there is no God at that moment, you see every mistake you, made worse than it really was, every emotion is sad and depressing, and every person you want to love you only sees you as a pathetic, nobody that will never change. We all know that is a truly a lie from the pits of hell but I promise if you’ve never been there its true and is only justified by the people who called me this week reaching out for help. It’s funny how blogs come together for me because Thursday since I’m a big strong guy people think I like helping them move heavy things. I’m always first on the list for some reason.  My buddy asked if I could come help move his piano from the living to the garage because he couldn’t fix all the strings and he was sending it out to get a remodel a guess. When we got it into the garage I lifted the lid about half the strings were busted and rolled up and the other strings were perfect. I asked him why he didn’t finish he just said he wasn’t good at it but they looked okay but sounded horrible. Then comes the movie. To see the strings that were all busted up and rolled up into ball or just hanging there looking worthless that was my life almost 4 years ago. To see what I used to think of myself but to see the other strings my buddy fixed that were in place, looked pretty good, but maybe didn’t sound perfect that is who Tyler Wood is now. Busted, bruised, rolled into a ball and supposedly worthless, have turned into a string that could be used, and when tuned properly make a beautiful sound when all the strings are finished the piano will probably sound better, work better and be used in a way it never would have. I finally found a metaphor that works for me and I have no idea how to play the piano but I know when its working and sounds good. I beg of you to let the brokeness of your life be found in a string of something for you. God did not make mistakes, you maybe lost right now, you might feel worthless, at your rock bottom, you may feel nothing is working out at all, but all your strings are not broken, they just need to be handed over to God for a little adjustment.





Day 161 I wish I had a cool picture of my dad

16 06 2013

I had a very fun day with my babies and now there back with their mom. The morning message at church was about fathers and what we should be. I always have such a mixed bag of emotions on this day because it should be so happy because of my babies. I look back at Fathers day with my dad and I’m so sad because I took him for granted on so many occasions. The relationship we had wasn’t great but wasn’t horrible but what it dad allow me was this: Im a kick butt dad and when the lay me 6 ft under one day my children, my family and even you will say that man was an amazing father. I will work my ass off every day to be the best father that I am capable, I will make mistakes but I will die trying to make sure that my kids understand the opportunity I was given and I cherished it with the most open arms. I want other men young or old to say that’s the kind of man and father I want to be. I may not ever have the most toys, best career, another wife, or travel the world but what matters the most I will be the best.

Today on Facebook I saw so many people change their profile pic to those of them and their Father and all I could say was I wish I had a cool pic that. I have two pics with my dad since 1998. One I graduated from college in 1998 and in 2000 our justice of the peace wedding. (we had two weddings) One of the pics you can see the physical pain on his face and the other it must have gotten wet and kind of stuck to another pic. I have one of him in his casket and that’s it. He didn’t want me to see him like he was but I told him without a pic I still know. You see at 10 my dad said you’re the man of the family and that’s where our relationship started going down hill. When he said that he actual meant it and let me take the reins. You can never tell a boy you’re the man of the family and let go. Im 37 and just now figuring out the whole man thing. If you know me I have strong shoulders and can handle a lot my dad knew that and he let me take that because he was afraid. I was an ear for my mom, a push for my sister and do everything for my dad and a boy only sometimes. I learned to be independent and I learned I needed nobody but me. That worked fine until I did need someone and that man was my dad. I had a conversation with my mom yesterday about hoe upset I was with her that she had stayed with him when he just gave up on us. I said that was the example you wanted for me and I was so upset.  I told her that there was this man I never got to see that you did. he was a great dresser, artist, musician, card player and anything he touched turned to gold when he put his mind to it, but all I got to see was the broken down man, that coughed up his lungs and couldn’t wipe his own ass. I remember twice when my dad was real with me: One was a fishing trip my uncle hos brother took us on in Port Aransas. I got to hear my dad talk about boobs, drinking, tell jokes and smile for once. The other was the last 6 months of his life. he was transparent and he said he was sorry. He told he all the things he would do again if he could and he said” Son I wish I was half of the man you are now! At that time I was still so engulfed in my own  anger and wishing him to die that I never really grasped what he said. so Fast forward now:

I took my dad for granted. Through the counseling and the therapy I forgave my dad and my mom. My mom lived her vows and is a badass lady. she put up with more than any women should have had to and did it better than most. I told  her that yesterday and told her I wasn’t mad at her anymore and I’m proud of what she did. We are all broken we can either choose to do something with it or live it. My dad lived it but he let me know at the end of his life how proud he was of me and that I was truly the apple of his eye. He said just mentioning my name filled him with the greatest of joy. He meant it when he said he wished he was half the man I was. I needed him to be there for me but he wasn’t because he couldn’t be then he died, but because he told me his true feelings before he passed away I was able to look at the bright side and good side today. I can love and cherish my kids because he didn’t know how, but wanted to so badly, he tried and failed but at least he tried. So today there is no more guilt or condemnation on myself. I love my father good and bad and Im proud to say that I was his son. It’s the same strength I had at 10 that will allow me to continue to be the greatest father any man could dream of being. I love you dad and thank you.

 








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