Day 1986 Don’t read this blog because Im just whining today

20 11 2018

This is going to be  a tad bit long, and real, but if you are one of these people STOP READING NOW: You got life figured out, you always have the right answer, if every one of yours prayers are answered, the person in the mirror always answers all of your questions, you never struggle with any addiction, depression, loneliness, anxiety, money issues. If you trust God everyday and never doubt him, or when you give it to God its gotten,

Im writing this today so you understand what real is, not what we choose to put on social media, or life about when someone asks how’s everything going. I know we can always put a positive spin on everything and usually I do but I’m talking to those who struggle and feel alone.

 

4 weeks out of the year depression gets me. It usually lasts a week out of a time , which means 11 months out of the year I do pretty, anxiety creeps up on me, money issues grab me all of that is now. Everyone has money issues if you have money or you have money. It’s all spins just differently. Most of the people reading this are Christians, you can send me scripture, or tell me to give it to God, say this to shall pass. And guess what I know what! I get it. I’ve been a Christian since I was 7. I’m talking about when you said and done all the right things and the pain is there, Why did my engagement ended 2 years ago, why did it not workout with a woman I waited for, why do people die that shouldn’t and people who should don’t (yes I’m judging), Why do people hurt other people (yes I know the answer Im typing out loud), Why do I lay in my bed at night knowing Im a great man hear so much silence,, and now I can count the ceiling fans even as they turn. When I speak to the man in the mirror, he lies, but I believe the lies. Even though  it’s not my fault when I try to help someone but they blow their head off anyway well its not my fault. I know its not but the shit hurts.

Why do complicate life so much that when we get to heaven God says really you thought that day I gave you a flat tire because I wanted to punish you. Don’t you think I have more to do than that. Someone asks I cheated on my wife what I do, First of all stop, go tell her and deal with the consequences. (I can’t do that) well you’re screwed then.  I get depressed it runs deep in my family, I’m there now and I get told just get up. Of shit wait a minute let me run over to that get off my ass switch that I missed and flip it on. How about when you ask me how Im doing I lie and tell you how Im doing I say good and so I don’t hear some dumb response because now you will feel uncomfortable if I told you the truth.

You see I’m a good man, Christian, daddy, friend. I just hurt like you do. Doesn’t make me weak, doesn’t make me less than a man than I was. Im real, Im honest, I try to help, motivate, lift you up on a daily basis because believe me the messages I get from people they are wanting real, and not to feel like they are alone. So as you have that pill to get through that Christmas part, or that drink to take the edge off, or gossip about someone to make you feel better, or you give thoughts and prayers but you forget to actually pray just stop, think I have been there in my life and I might just want to be careful before I put my magic wands of bullshit out there.

 

So there you go. Im struggling now. That’s real, raw and honest. I would tell you that I don’t care what you think but that’s what people tell others  that care what they think. I love you people and Im sure I will get a bunch of wth is wrong with you, or he’s losing it. Nope I wrote this because I know at 1 person needs this. Were all going to be okay I know , I know. That doesn’t stop the pain today. So judge if you want, people judge can’t stop it just know the pain of the world is deep and we can all cover the bullshit with leaves but you’re going to step in it sooner or later.

 

Just try to love, be real, and quit trying to cover up life with BS. This to shall pass lol.

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Day 1957 My son started his warrior journey Saturday

21 10 2018

Long time no blog. Life has been about as roller coaster as it comes and I haven’t sat down to blog which I should have because it helps, but here is my beautiful typing fingers. I truly appreciate you reading.

Saturday my sons team suffered their first loss on their football season. He’s hard to block and so he got chopped blocked which means one kid goes high and one goes low. After the pile up my son was laying on the ground rolling around in pain. My stomach sank I went down to the fence and they pulled him up and he limped to the sideline. He came over to me and he showed me his shin and it was already bruised. He had tears and said dad this really hurts.If you have never hurt your shin it’s so painful

I did what an old athlete dad does.  I told him I know son it hurts and hurts bad, but you remember me telling you I’m raising you to be a warrior. This is part of  it. If you have to drag yourself, limp, whatever it team needs you to win. It’s a bruise and we can take care of it after the game but you have to fight through this.
My heart hurt for his pain but this not only was about a game, but life. He went back out and fought through it the whole game limping but played well. You could at times see he wanted to stop but being 10 and seeing him fight it was a proud moment for him.
Game was over he walked up to me and said I’m sorry dad. Son I could care less about the score, I’m so proud of you. He looked at me and said why we lost. It’s not the score,  but you should up, you fought when it hurt, You cried but you did it. He smiled and said yeah I did.
He doesn’t grasp what he did yesterday, but he will. Most importantly the score had nothing to do with what was learned yesterday. It my job to raise my son. with love, compassion, and grace but all of us have to rise up in our lives to be a warrior and believe we can overcome no matter how bad it hurts. Yesterday my son started the warrior journey just by not quitting. Raise your children up with the heart of warrior and watch Jesus use your child to raise other warriors.

 





Day 1863 Screw your 3 step process

15 07 2018

Happy Sunday beautiful people. The great thing about Texas this time of year is when you grill you don’t have to light a fire just sit the food on the grill and the heat does the magic. Its 105 today! Im to old for this crap but hey my tan is coming along nicely. So let’s get to it

The one thing I believe that our world is lacking in is perseverance. What is perseverance .persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay. We live in a microwave society not a crock pot society. We put our life in for 30 seconds and at 25 seconds were like my God why is this taking so long. rather than sitting it simmer for 8 hours and tada we have a meal.

When life gets to hard people just quit.  If you want hope or anything worth something is going to have to hurt just a little at least. It  takes time, lack of understanding, suffering. Its watching the crock pot and it doesn’t even look like in the first 2 hours anything is happening. The best things in my life I have waited on. Now in the midst of waiting (I’m very impatient) i talked so much crap, got angry, cried and then boom. Like after my divorce I was like okay i thought I was supposed to be feeling better already. I mean I followed this 3 step process to getting better. Well hello there is no 3- STEP PROCESS FOR LIFE. What I did in my process is 99% going to work for you because you are not me and Im not you, I can’t help you understand what i felt in my process because it was mine not yours. So no matter what my intentions were there is no process. What I do know is that there was perseverance and when the after divorce light came on I was like I get it. If I would have tried to microwave my life I would have been divorced again because honestly my demons were still running rampant and I didn’t know it.

You every heard joy come sin the morning but in the small print it says this crap hurt or hurts really bad. Well Im in a stage of life where I put my life in a microwave, I’ve had to  pull it out of the microwave and put it in the crock-pot turn, it on and leave it. This has been very painful but I remembered there is no 3 step process, and it will hurt, but the outcome will be exactly what it should be.
Stop looking for easy. Learn to be perservant and not quit. the best things in life are earned through hurt, pain, being uncomfortable but the joy does come in the morning and I’m living proof of that.

Love you and until my hands are ready to type again.

 

 





Day 1828 I dont need you but want…

25 06 2018

Welcome to the season of we Texans call hell. Its hot but not just hot, your skin stings. BO is a 3 minute monster, some people’s legs chap, beads of sweat are your friends, and the smell of bacon cooking off of a bald men’s head is a pleasant smell. Well anyway come to Texas you eventuality tan to a some color other than red.

I was actually asked to write by 3 people they missed me. It’s not that I don’t want to just sometimes there’s so much it feels like theirs nothing. but here I go.

In counseling I used the word I need a lot. I need this person, i need this job, this house. Over a period of time I got straightened out fairly well. We as humans need only these things. Three basic needs of humans are drinkable water, nourishing food and adequate sleep, according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The ability to breathe is also necessary for humans.

So there you have it blog is over.. No wait, I get really tired of hearing I need her or him. If that was true the moment they left we would die, or how did we make it all of those years without them. (Tyler come on your being dramatic). I understand the feeling of need but there is no need to want anybody. Now when you want the other person you have got something magical. Wanting someone allows you to do more for them. If you need them you expect them to do things they can’t or wont. Wanting holds no expectation and when you get it you feel overjoyed, blessed and lucky to have them. rather than I must have them, they need to do this for me. Do we all need love and respect yes but we can discuss that another time too.

Here’s what this means for me. I can never be a mom and a woman can’t be a dad. What I can do is be the best man I can possibly be in my life. I cannot perform the function of a woman so when the one comes into my life I will appreciate her so much more. I can do whatever is needed to provide to my kids, I can love them, I can love others, I can change my part of the world, I can do and be better always. If a woman never shows up in my life for whatever reason and decides to stay I will still be the amazing man that I am with or without one. I don’t need her to live. BUT if I find the woman I want i will experience love like I pictured in my head, my heart will be full, my family will be complete again. I will have a true partner that i always wanted. My problem is I thought I need a woman to be whole, be a better man, love my  kids more, help change the world. Truth is I needed me to be the person i was designed to be.

This might be a completely foreign concept- need vs want. You want to be successful in a relationship find the things you want and you work on you being what you need for yourself. Stop making people out to be a need. What happens when they leave or die. Then you die? No you hope the one your with mourns, misses you but can pickup and continue to want whats missing but can live because they now the basic needs.

I always appreciate you reading and WANT you to continue.  Peace out peeps





Day 1808 You choose your hell

5 06 2018

Hello blog peeps. In the airport people watching getting ready to head to Florida. I should get paid to people watch, what  an awesome sport.

I m trying to find my purpose and slowly I think I am. I want to serve young men and women and give them hope that they can change. We have all been told people don’t change well that’s the biggest line of crap we have ever been fed. If someone tells you that it’s the hardest thing you will ever do that may not be enough to tell someone, you have to show them.

We all have to face our mistakes either out loud in a blog, group, with the ones me hurt or in our own silent hell,  My hell which is still going on is every Friday afternoon when I have dropped off my kids to go to their moms and I have the turn-key hell. Turn key hell= When I get to my house door and I open the door and the no sound, emptiness feeling of my house.  I’m about to walk into without the laughing of my kids, the pushing of my kids, the no cartoons, the i don’t want to eat that, Can I have more, I m bored, I don’t want to brush my teeth and mostly the I love you daddy. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I haven’t got used to that yet. My dog greets me and she looks for the kids and I tell her no Vaida next Friday and she walks over to her bed because she misses them. There is no women to say how was your day, the smell of a women, the we need to do this, can you go do this or a hug or kiss. So I put my bag down in the chair and every time I hope for a different feeling but I have to stop when the door closes behind me take a deep breath and realize this is the hell you created. The great thing is I have the feeling because I will remember it. You can’t make the mistakes that we all do and not expect the to be repercussions. So men if you don’t deal with your crap, ego, your pride, you fear and your left with and empty house don’t blame anyone expect yourself. Man up, there are to many resources for you to have to say at 60 I’m sorry for what I didn’t do, because it can be done. Or keep doing what you’re doing, be separated from your kids, have the hollow empty feeling of loss that can only be stitched up, and go into the empty, quite, lonely hell that you created. It will happen you’re not one of the stats that gets away with it. I can promise that the Friday turn-key hell is worse than any hell she, or your ego supposedly has put you through.

That was it in a nutshell. I don’t want anyone to feel that you can’t change and you cant restore. AS NIKE SAYS: JUST DO IT





Day 1871 is the past the past

30 04 2018

Another week and another day getting Balder. Man the patch on my head if I let me hair grow just a little bit looks like i have mange.  Also the fact next week my daughter will be 16 I’m officially getting more seasoned. I don’t use the word old.

The past is the past or is it? I believe it is. What I did in my past will never change. I’m sorry, and wish more than anything I could change the pain i caused people, the people I stepped on to get what I wanted, the conditions I put on people that I wouldn’t follow, the relationships I wrecked because of fear, or the men I hurt because honestly it made me feel better.  I paid my penance and some days I relieve it. I will never forget what happened or what I did but I’m taking my past to help change people’s lives. I never thought one day I’m going to take this crappy relationship or whatever and help change people lives. I wish you could have been with me when my life started the tumble that I  saw coming (at that point it was too late). Would I blow my brains out, try to drown slowly, have a car crash, or just ove dose. I get it and I was alone during my walk by my choice. People who struggle with anger, self-worth, addictions, sex, manipulation. Why do i do this because people harbor their past and live in it. Living in the past will kill you one way or another. I want to help the people who want to learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. We’re a rare bird but we attract other rare birds which is one cool flock.

If you’re a person that constantly reminds people of their past, or you can’t forgive them of their past especially when trying to get better! You’re the one with the problem. Get out of the relationship. You need help. Don’t crush someone else because you can’t deal with yourself.

The past is the past and if you hold that against someone you need to be someone else’s past. People can never change if you continue to slap them with things that can’t be changed. Yes you can mend fences but what caused the fence to fall wont be forgotten. Its our job to look past the past and try to help that person move forward, if you cant, please step away, remember grace is a 2 way street

God died on the cross to forgive our sins from tomorrow, today, and yesterday. So stop playing God people, it is finished, let it go. He died for everyone, not the ones you can’t forgive. Dont try drinking a cup of poison and hope the other person gets sick.

Love you all.





Day 1856 Assuming? You will be a%%hole

15 04 2018

Good evening. Hope wherever you are you can just stop and say thank you for something in your life.

No matter how open, or honest I am or unafraid to ask someone something I still assume. It’s usually because I think I know, or past behavior or just you get used to it from that person. In honesty, if there are 50 times I assumed I might,just might, be right 5 times. Those are not good odds but since its easier than asking someone we take those horrible odds and assume. You can say I think, I know, I guess but bottom-line its assuming.

Every time I assume I look like an asshole, or I am an asshole or come a cross like I don’t care. I try so hard not to assume because it really hurts people. Usually its something important but even more important to them.  So why do we do it? Pure stupidity and laziness. I truly don’t think the intention is to hurt the other person but we do. Then we get upset that we hurt that person because we knew better. So whats my point?

This time I’m not going to tell you how I screwed up but how a few people this week hurt me bad. One broke my heart but because I’m a big tough guy I’m supposed to take. If you know me I’m the most real, honest (you may not want to hear it) person. All I want is you to do that back to me. If I react the wrong way that’s on me, you walk away and say hey I did what you asked. When you assume and are so blatantly wrong you are an asshole. I know we live in a world where everyone hides from true human connection, we think we know how someone is or whats going on by social media. Thats just stupid in the first place but to assume, that someone doesn’t need you, or they are okay, or you thought something they posted was about you. Come on people!! The good ole days were good in that people actually talked out their issues, or concerns and walked away agreeing to disagreeing but were still, friends, lovers whatever.

Or how about whenever someone gives you their answer that’s actually the answer, you don’t have to assume anymore they told. I dont give a crap if you like the answer or want it to change but thats their answer. I miss people, I miss real relationships, I miss love because people assume what they want. We are becoming the world of less courageous know it alls that know nothing but assume we know everything.

I guess my rant is over, just know you need to ask me, be honest with me, just don’t leave me hanging, then I’ll just assume  you’re an asshole. (See what I did there) .  Goodnight

 








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