Day 1678 What happened- is this real Mom

18 10 2017

Good afternoon peeps. It has finally cooled off and my mood is good. You can actually go outside  and not need a shower immediately. Pumpkin spice is in full roar. I think I got 87 Octane pumpkin spice gasoline yesterday. It’s good for horsepower or something.

Today my mom would have been 75 years old. I wanted something poetic or breathtaking to honor her I’m not sure this will do it. I can’t believe this is your 2nd birthday without you.

There is no shock today like last year. It has set in your gone. It is more real than I could imagine. I shed my tears today but there are more smiles too. Your impact on this word is missed but the impact on us cannot be put into words. I fight this life harder now because I know more than anything that’s what you wanted. I try everyday to make you proud and honor you by trying to be like you.

When I walked into your room that morning and saw you weren’t  breathing but peaceful I knew that you were in a much better place but we still needed you. You touched so many lives as a Grammie, teacher, friend, sister, aunt but what you did for Meagan and I could never be measured. You were my best friend, at times my punching bag, you loved me when no one else did, had a way with words that other person could, you never left my side, you had a way of getting through my stubborn head in a way nobody could.
Life has not been the same, I hear your voice in everyday life and when things get tough saying never quit. You were the most amazing creation from God. I wish today you were calling me to tell me all about the flowers we bought you and all the colors in them and smell the white diamonds perfume on you.
I know your watching us with a smile and probably cooking for everyone on your birthday because that’s who you are.
These words are not enough with tears streaming and a broken heart just know you were my everything. I love you mom and thank you.
Happy birthday Billie Louise Wood.

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Day 1665 Divorce and things you don’t know

27 09 2017
I deal with divorce trying to help people and people asking me what do I do. It takes both sides to make it work for sure. It’s so easy now with roadside signs offering $250 divorce, divorce not being taboo, divorce being big business for lawyers and social media allowing you to hide and find a past relationship. Most people have lost their fight. Everything says run so most do.
I will say this first so i can cut you off before you tell me divorce is necessary.
I know for so many it is and was but to those still married, and those considering divorce let me tell you things you don’t know yet.
Kids are resilient and they be okay.  Sure as long as we are alive we will be okay but Please listen to this divorce will affect your kids in a negative way, no matter what you think. 2 different homes. My childhood wasn’t great but I always knew where my home was. Kids want both parents happy so they accept things that they shouldn’t. You have made an example that quitting is okay, that wedding vows are really only good when its working the way we want. I could go on but just know there is a consequence.
Divorce is one lonely  sob. You might hop into another relationship immediately  ( my opinion its the dumbest thing you can do.  You’re  bringing all ur garbage to someone who doesn’t deserve it, ur unhealed but ur trying to find happiness in someone else and you’re not happy)
Not saying my way is best but healing, and dealing with past hurts is lonely.  It’s a lonely you have never felt. If you split your kids up you don’t know lonely until  YOU eat by yourself and do things by yourself because of ur friends are in relationship and cant just drop everything to hang with you.
Everyone divorced has baggage. Yes even you. You base relationships on what you know, so your past lets u think well everyone is the same. Which in truth everyone has some if not the same characteristics its just ur not healed so everyone seems the same
You feel out paperwork and says in case if emergency or who do u put in ur will, who gets my money. If something happens to me what am I going to do.
I wish people would understand that divorce is a death without a funeral. It represents the end of something that started out with so much promise and hope and it’s painful when that hope dies. Sometimes I think that divorce has become so routine that it’s not taken seriously enough and that devalues marriage.
If you’re not a happy person now you wont be in a new relationship. Divorce teaches you that your own happiness is, in fact, important, and that you can’t be accountable for someone else’s. You learn that you can’t change yourself in order to make someone else happy.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I just would love to see families stay together. Old school in this case wasn’t so bad if you think about it.




Day 1629 Let’s run away

20 08 2017
School has started and I have a 10th grader and a 3rd grader. Either I’m getting old or time is passing to fast.  I know that seeing them grow up is a great feeling. Parenting is tough though. My Lord where is the manual?
We all want to run away.  Some people actually run they pack up, sell their home, and go somewhere that it will be”different”. Some people put on headphones and actually run hoping at the end of the mileage “its gone”. Some just get in the car and drive with no destination in site. Hoping when they return “its gone”. We spend hours, tears, new jobs, money, relationships, trying  to see if we can make sure “its gone”.
“Its gone” is us. Pastor TD  Jakes  says run from the garbage and people etc.. Run to what you want, problem is we usually run from the things we don’t want, not to what we do want.
I get people sending me things all the time and I was sent this:

There is no such thing as taking the right road, every time, but the road you take can turn into one you’re meant to be on. You choose whether to ‘stop’ along the way or keep going. Imperfection is part of everyone and is a part of decision making in life. Don’t let that mountain you’re traveling on crumble on top of you so that you can’t get back up. When that first rock falls, start to run and keep running until you are out of harm’s way. Stay away from the rubble.
What I take from this is that we have to be okay being imperfect! We cant run from that. We all want to be perfect and when we don’t lets run away. Now don’t get me wrong running away to break routine and getting a fresh thought is great but we have to run back.
My dad used to tell me when I was in high school that no matter where you go,  even the other end of the earth, everything will be the same because you are there. You can’t run away from you. Once the new of a person or area wheres off the person in the mirror is still you.
So run away but turn right back around because before you go trying to find this magic happiness and fulfillment stand in place and fix what is here. Then run but do it for fun quit trying to escape you because you are really great. I promise.




Day 1615 Lets get naked

6 08 2017

First I want to thank you all for reading this blog. It’s so cool that people all over the world can read this. Looking at all the countries I wonder if I weird in foreign countries too.

Second I get a lot what does the day in your title mean. Well in this case 1615 days ago I started a car trip to Virginia by myself. to see one of my closet friends. I prayed and promised myself that my life would change for the better starting that day and would never be the same. So here we are 1615 days later. Its been one hell of a roller coaster but its been a blast.

I hope the title got you to read! I have been the physical naked more times that you want to hear. It was the only way I knew to love for the longest time or feel I was important. I hurt so many women over the years. It wasn’t purposeful just thought being naked meant I was enough. So shirt off,pants off and you liked me.

I hope for most of us with age comes wisdom, if not you hit your rock bottom and I promise you get wiser or you get buried.  I learned that not only does my value not coming from being physically naked but you want someone to love, like, or respect you: LETS GET REALLY NAKED. I hate small talk every bit of it, I could care less what’s up! I’m going to give or get a generic answer anyway so why I ask. The naked I want is the soul bearing, tear filled, biggest smile type of naked, clothes on or off I don’t care. I want to talk about: death, aliens, birthdays cake, what makes you cry, why you became insecure, why you fake it, music, the meaning of life,  the lies you live, your favorite smells, the quirks that nobody knows because you feel you’ll be judged, your childhood, your first crush, why you watch the ceiling fan spin at night, why does asparagus make your pee smell so bad, why you don’t like peanuts but love peanut butter. I want to know your emotions, what your depth is. Why you’re twisted.  I learned not to judge but question. When you know someone who is  feeling that,  that feeling only comes from God. if you know me and say you’re the weirdest person I know but I love your soul. Mission accomplished!

Don’t get me wrong I love the physical naked but learning what it takes to be real makes relationships powerful. I know you can’t get naked with everyone because most wont get it and that’s okay. So to me from you let’s get naked. Real is exposing your soul and not giving a damn! I’m ready for the real naked time!!

Thanks for reading

 





Day 1608 I mean, I just assumed…..

30 07 2017

You smell that outside! That’s football coming back and thank the Lord. It’s almost time to remember back when I was great and tell people and say I could have made that play Haha. Cowboys go to the super bowl for my predication for 41 years in a row.

Even when we tell someone what were thinking and feeling were wrong.  I mean I just assumed that’s what you meant. Really every time we assume we look like an a$$hole. Okay so out of 10 times we get something right 1 time. The reason assuming gets us in such a foot in the mouth situation is we assume based on our past experiences. So how in the world can we assume what someone else, feels, thinks, or acts based on our past. Even if its their past not situation in life is ever the same. I was the worlds worst assumer. I lived a lot of life so I thought I knew. We think because someone is a butthole we know why, I mean maybe their parent beat them everyday so they carry years of pain and suffering. Or that girl that gives herself to every guy we call her a whore but all she’s doing is searching for that one guy to finally love her because her daddy never did. Or why would she date him. Well maybe she fell in love with a real man who loves her and doesn’t use her. Or people assume that someone has it all together but can’t see himself and why. Maybe because he was raised to be a perfectionist, and he felt he failed at everything touched and you don’t just let that mentality go overnight (me). Or why someone quits going to church and believing in God. So we just say how horrible they are without every knowing the real reason.

My God, we are still learning about a significant other years after we marry, but we think we know, when we don’t. Bottom line when we assume we actually coming out looking the worst. I know intentions are usually good but until you ask then don’t run with anything in your head, that leads to running head first into a wall. Even when you think you know just ask. Otherwise you become part of the masses and when you do, take away the m and you become of those (the asses).

I assume you’ll like this blog. Hope you enjoyed!

 





Day 1594 She said I was plankton

16 07 2017

Hello from the 2nd coming of hell from the heat called North Texas. Ill stop complaining but its gross. I love to shower but you cant wash this heat off. Come by and visit me sometime if your from the north I’ll show you how to start a fire off your skin.

My friend Angela sent me a message the other day and said your plankton. you go to the light and bring it back to dark and share. I asked her is that good? She said yes you need to watch  a video she posted from Sadie Robertson from Duck Dynasty. Said she talked about plankton and I immediately came to her mind. I told her I had been called a lot of things in my life but that was a first. She said your one of those people  who share their light with others. So i had to watch the video because the only plankton I knew was from sponge bob.

A plankton is: Plankton (singular plankter) are a diverse group of organisms that live in the water column of large bodies of water and that cannot swim against a current. They provide a crucial source of food to many large aquatic organisms, such as fish and whales. The name plankton is derived from the Greek adjective πλαγκτός (planktos), meaning errant, and by extension “wanderer” or “drifter.

So at this time Im like well I kinda suck,  wanderer, cant swim, a drifter, and things eat me but I continued to listen. Im a floater now. Plankton start at the bottom of the dark ocean and float their way to the top to receive  light (photosynthesis) once it receives the light it goes back down to the darkest part of the ocean to provide 90% of the oceans photosynthesis which in turns provides 50% of the worlds oxygen. So it starts at the bottom of the ocean and goes to the light to bring it back to those things that need it.

So I stopped and thought that’s the best compliment I have ever been given. Truly it is. I have been in the deepest darkest places. I have walked with the devil for a long time, I manipulated life and those around me, I lied to get what I wanted, but truly all I wanted was to receive the light and had no idea how to get there. When I went to take my life there were 2 options take my life or receive the light. Receiving the light is not easy. Its not walking into a room and flipping the switch. Its one, stop believing the lies we have told our self for years, cleaning out the people around us, and then believing what God says about us without say but, . It took me 36 years to get to the point so I can’t expect to receive all the light in one day. What I hope through my texts, messages, blog, speaking, Facebook and Instagram posts is one person take my garbage that I’m real about and says if this guy can do it I can to. I try everyday to go to the light and bring it to those who need it because in all honesty I hate for anyone to feel the way I did or do.

So I wear the title of Plankton as an honor. Some days floating around knowing that someone is going to use me a a source and bring oxygen to them that they may not have had before. I hope I can continue bringing light to you and if I haven’t maybe I will drift into  you shortly and help you just when you need it. LOVE YOU

 

 





Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.

 








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