Day 1792 Why Divorced/single in 2018 is more devastating

20 05 2018

Good happy Sunday may evening, I’m about to have a Jr and 4th grader, The school years fly by when you get older. I thought Christmas break was just over and look here we are about to end school and start smelling like BO because of the Texas heat.  Here’s to grilling, BO, sunburns, farmers tan, peeing in the pool and chlorine/swimming pool bath.

Excuse my use of the word devastating put an end to the existence of (something) by damaging or attacking it. This is not directed at anyone and I know there is always another side to my argument. To save your breath, your right I’ll just be the other side.

The world we live in now is ruled by social media, the fake life of what we want you to see. You leave someones, page, site, profile and like OMG they are so great why can’t I measure up.

People quit at everything now. there is no perseverance ( yes  i know there is some) in relationships, people think the next one will be right. For better or worse or let me get to know this person that doesn’t happen. My friend said her boyfriend or girlfriend did this why don’t you?Well because were different and we all bring good and bad to the table.

Loyalty I wonder without looking could someone tell you the definition. could someone tell you that an emotional affair is the same as a physical.  And honesty. Just be honest tell me everything. I know your not single in today’s world because you did nothing wrong. If its only 10% tell me your 10%. A date ender for me is what did you do wrong in your relationships. if the other person says well he! I stop it right there! Why because I’m not going to date him and I don’t care what he did at this moment. Tell me about you. Throw every damn card on the table and let me choose if I want to move  forward.

There is nothing more refreshing than someone being real and telling, I screwed up this way, I know it now and I want to change it and I’m working so hard on it. Im insecure but if you will be patient with me we can get through. Im like heck yes someone who gets.

I hear people say sex has to be great and they have to be physically attractive. Absolutely but if you can’t communicate and your checking over their shoulder every time they are doing something you will fail. If you don’t trust in the beginning, do you really think your going to trust down the road? What about the night sex sucks. wouldn’t it be great to say let me explain where my head was today. It wasn’t you and you list out why it sucked. She understands, she cares more, she gets you. She becomes more emotionally attached then you feel like she respects and wow you have a fully functional relationship. Who knew!!!!

Finally nobody really wants to be married anymore! It might be the hardest thing to do in this twisted, social media world, where you’re told to run rather than stay and fight (not actually fight). I would much rather have someone that loves me more often, wants to choke me some days but will just poke me with a toothpick (in love) than date!!!!

Why are you in a relationship if you’re not going to be devoted/ married to the person forever. Really whats the point. That is a first date question. Dont lie, if that’s not your intention that’s okay but for the love of God tell them. Just be honest! I want to be married again, if someone tells me that they don’t that’s okay, doesn’t make you a bad person just means you dont fit me.

PS. Not everyone is going to like you! Not every person you date is going to feel it. Dont get your under roos in a wad, learn one thing from the date and move on. We are looking for one great person not an army!

Okay that’s enough for today! Love you





Day 731 Drunk enough to feel

27 01 2015

80 Degrees in Texas in January. Yep its the joys of being a Texan. Saturday we will need a coat but today sun tan lotion. The top of my head looks better with a tan anyway.

I don’t drink a lot anymore. I might drink twice a month. I’m pretty comfortable with who I am and don’t need to escape or have liquid courage to accomplish a night of fun but.. Saturday night was a different story. I went  to my aunts wedding reception and saw family I hadn’t seen in a while. I wasn’t going to go but my mom asked and I wanted to support my aunt. I kept looking at my watch  hoping the time would pass quicker but like all time it doesn’t pass when you want it to. I couldn’t stand the questions of when are you going to have a girlfriend, do you want to get remarried, just the long list of questions you get when you older and single.

I went and hung out with one of my buddies and had about a 45 minute drive there. I have demons and I kick their ass most days. The one demon that gets me the most is loneliness. AS I made the drive my mind wander over to the wrong lane and started feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to escape my mind for a bit but didn’t know what to do. I meet up with my buddy in this hole in the place. I enjoyed his company but my mind wouldn’t stop. Two drinks lead to 2 shots and you know how it goes. In my past i could get drunk enough not to feel anything which is where I was going I hoped. This time though I only got to the point I could feel things I didn’t want to. I felt my loneliness, my fear and my lack of faith in God in many things. I wanted for just a little while to get my mind to stop because I didn’t believe God could do it for me at that time.

I’m sure you’re wondering why is he telling us this! I’m not going to apologize  for being human but I am sorry for not following my own advice. People always say man you got it together. Sure if you want to believe that you can but Im just like you. I just have different convictions  than before so I can bounce back a little quicker. If you take your focus on God, isolate yourself and believe you can figure it all out you could be in a horrible place that you thought left a long time ago. I made it home but before I did I stopped on a pretty dark empty place on 35 in Ponder Texas got out of the car and screamed at the top of my lungs. Ironic thing its the same place when I was 20 years old I woke up so drunk I busted through the fence and had passed out. After screaming like I was in a Hollywood horror flick I need to remember that spot from almost 20 years earlier and thanked God for bringing me to where I was now. It’s funny how if you need a reminder God can always show you something you don’t want but need to see.

I write this for me to go back read and remember but for you too. You are okay and you’re not alone.You are not your past, the feelings you have do not justify you and if you fall of the horse get back up. Love you!





Day 719 Can I take a knee please

16 01 2015

I got my babies back a day early because of my trip. Never been so glad to see my two little peeps and I got those hugs. The ones were your really missed and not because I have to hug you. I also trimmed my goatee today. I feel naked but handsome. I guess I’ll take both feelings lol.

If you know how the devil works when you are closest to God he tries so hard to breakdown. He cause you to doubt and will throw things at you that can cut you to the core. Getting back from my trip I’m on cloud right now. Even with yesterday. If you have never been in a fight or in a sporting event  you may not understand what a gut punch is. It’s where the air gets knocked out of you. The first time it happens you think you’re dying, you can’t get air. After it happens a few times it still sucks but you know the air will come back to you. In most cases unless in a fight you ask can I please take a knee. I need a minute to catch  my breath. You catch your breath but its a feeling you hope you never have again. Go back to yesterday.

I had an appt with an endocrinologist for my diabetes and even though the news wasn’t that bad to most I was truly floored. I had lost more weight. I weigh what I did when I entered the 8th grade.  Then she went over my blood work and some of it was better but the things that mattered were worse. I  truly had no idea what to do. She said lose 20 more lbs, changed my medicine, and told me essentially I had to eat perfect to get rid of this. There are a lot more details but I went out in my car put my head on my steering well but I cussed and got pissed. It really threw me back. You put in a lot of hard work and no results. As I’m sitting there I get  a text that  my friend Jesse in Indiana had overdosed. Jesse is one of those friends that everyone needs. He was what society would call scum but he would do anything for you. He cleaned up your dirty work. With my  past we had fun but did stuff that I can’t explain. The thing that sucks is that 11 months ago Jesse found God and had been clean for 9 months. It floored me that out of nowhere that  he had been clean  and now dead from an overdose. His girlfriend just said life had become too much and he went back around those people and he needed to escape for a bit. He did escape and for a time yesterday I wanted to. I felt so beaten and broken yesterday. I felt like a failure in so many ways.

I don’t lean on anyone for strength. I try to always find it within myself. I am trying to rely on God and  others now and yesterday I wanted to but didn’t. I try to do everything so I wont depend on anyone else, I hate showing weakness.  So what I’m saying: if your like me which so many are. There are days you’re going to need to take a knee. Life will deliver the perveriable gut punch. If that person reaches out and asks you for help, no matter how small or insignificant it may sound, stop and do it. The strongest people are the ones that fall the hardest. It takes more to pick them up too. So if you see someone taking a knee, extended the helping hand it will be the best breath of air  you could deliver.





Day 719 Can I take a knee please

15 01 2015

I got my babies back a day early because of my trip. Never been so glad to see my two little peeps and I got those hugs. The ones were your really missed and not because I have to hug you. I also trimmed my goatee today. I feel naked but handsome. I guess I’ll take both feelings lol.

If you know how the devil works when you are closest to God he tries so hard to breakdown. He cause you to doubt and will throw things at you that can cut you to the core. Getting back from my trip I’m on cloud right now. Even with yesterday. If you have never been in a fight or in a sporting event  you may not understand what a gut punch is. It’s where the air gets knocked out of you. The first time it happens you think you’re dying, you can’t get air. After it happens a few times it still sucks but you know the air will come back to you. In most cases unless in a fight you ask can I please take a knee. I need a minute to catch  my breath. You catch your breath but its a feeling you hope you never have again. Go back to yesterday.

I had an appt with an endocrinologist for my diabetes and even though the news wasn’t that bad to most I was truly floored. I had lost more weight. I weigh what I did when I entered the 8th grade.  Then she went over my blood work and some of it was better but the things that mattered were worse. I  truly had no idea what to do. She said lose 20 more lbs, changed my medicine, and told me essentially I had to eat perfect to get rid of this. There are a lot more details but I went out in my car put my head on my steering well but I cussed and got pissed. It really threw me back. You put in a lot of hard work and no results. As I’m sitting there I get  a text that  my friend Jesse in Indiana had overdosed. Jesse is one of those friends that everyone needs. He was what society would call scum but he would do anything for you. He cleaned up your dirty work. With my  past we had fun but did stuff that I can’t explain. The thing that sucks is that 11 months ago Jesse found God and had been clean for 9 months. It floored me that out of nowhere that  he had been clean  and now dead from an overdose. His girlfriend just said life had become too much and he went back around those people and he needed to escape for a bit. He did escape and for a time yesterday I wanted to. I felt so beaten and broken yesterday. I felt like a failure in so many ways.

I don’t lean on anyone for strength. I try to always find it within myself. I am trying to rely on God and  others now and yesterday I wanted to but didn’t. I try to do everything so I wont depend on anyone else, I hate showing weakness.  So what I’m saying: if your like me which so many are. There are days you’re going to need to take a knee. Life will deliver the perveriable gut punch. If that person reaches out and asks you for help, no matter how small or insignificant it may sound, stop and do it. The strongest people are the ones that fall the hardest. It takes more to pick them up too. So if you see someone taking a knee, extended the helping hand it will be the best breath of air  you could deliver.





Day 467: What these eyes have seen

12 05 2014

I wish some days I was blogging more but I do enjoy it. Sometimes I have too much to blog about and sometimes not enough at all. Another fabulous mothers day celebrated along with my daughter’s birthday today. I’m trying so hard to appreciate my mom with her being older and her Parkinson. My daughter is almost a teenager and I’m appreciating at times how sweet she is before the transition starts to A TEENAGER.  I miss my kids so much the weeks I don’t have them that were so tired on Sunday night because we stay so busy.I think Im going to make this a two-part blog: Some of this you have heard before at the beginning and some is new. This is why I blog. I have seen ALOT Good and bad and each story of what I have seen with my eyes allows me to have a different idea or words to blog about my life. Im never really empty of  ideas but sometimes just can’t get them typed out. This blog started because my mom asked me this weekend what I had been envolved with and seen in my life! I swallowed hard and told her some of it.What these eyes have seen: I will start in 6th grade: A girl I called my girlfriend whatever it is at that age got decapitated in a car accident. I saw here before the funeral and how the head was stitched back on to this day the picture stays in my head. I broke my leg and it changed my life forever. I didn’t know it then but my life struggles started then. My first kiss I remember was in the hallway of this old dinge jr high we went to. I think my feet left the ground on the kiss and I thought I was in love. Little did I know how in Jr. high that love last about 2 days. Felt my first supposed heart-break. My first sense of violence I got in a fight where the kid landed the first 3 punches and it hurt but I got one and it was over. I liked the feeling of hurting someone. If I would have been smart enough I would have known that my anger of my life changing was at that moment.  I got my first hug from an 8th grade teacher that wasn’t from family and they told me that they were proud of me. It was the first time that I realized people didn’t care for just themselves. I got my first real job cleaning manure at a dairy and was the first time I realized I had to go to college. Especially the day it rained and I fell face first into it.  When my dad came home and was laid off and he never worked again. He was disabled and everything in my life went from good to horrible. When I worked to pay for my family, when the innocence of being a boy left and the anger of a man took over. When everything you had gotten at Christmas or birthdays was pawned or sold. It’s tough to know your stuff that made you happy was making someone else happy. When you go to someone elses house that you can’t stand just so you can eat a meal and not feel like a burden on your family. When you can’t stay healthy so you can play a sport that will “get you out” of the mess you hate. When you see the strongest woman you know cry for the first time and hate your dad because he couldn’t fix it so you would never have to see your mom cry again. When you have your first sexual experience and you have a girl tell you she loves you but you ignore her because you’re hurting to bad inside to let anything love you.  A happy time when you find 30 on the sidewalk and that provides your family bread and milk. A happy time for me always was that no matter how bad things got nobody knew we were poor. My mom could clean anything out of our cloths and she sold everything she had to make sure people know we were taken care of. How every birthday or Christmas I felt like it I won the lottery because I got one or two gifts. When my parents knew the responsibility that I was under but stopped me and made me look them in the eye and they always said they were proud of me.I’ll start again in the next blog. Thanks for always reading.

via Day 467: What these eyes have seen.





Day 467: What these eyes have seen

12 05 2014

I wish some days I was blogging more but I do enjoy it. Sometimes I have too much to blog about and sometimes not enough at all. Another fabulous mothers day celebrated along with my daughter’s birthday today. I’m trying so hard to appreciate my mom with her being older and her Parkinson. My daughter is almost a teenager and I’m appreciating at times how sweet she is before the transition starts to A TEENAGER.  I miss my kids so much the weeks I don’t have them that were so tired on Sunday night because we stay so busy.

I think Im going to make this a two-part blog: Some of this you have heard before at the beginning and some is new. This is why I blog. I have seen ALOT Good and bad and each story of what I have seen with my eyes allows me to have a different idea or words to blog about my life. Im never really empty of  ideas but sometimes just can’t get them typed out. This blog started because my mom asked me this weekend what I had been envolved with and seen in my life! I swallowed hard and told her some of it.

What these eyes have seen: I will start in 6th grade: A girl I called my girlfriend whatever it is at that age got decapitated in a car accident. I saw here before the funeral and how the head was stitched back on to this day the picture stays in my head. I broke my leg and it changed my life forever. I didn’t know it then but my life struggles started then. My first kiss I remember was in the hallway of this old dinge jr high we went to. I think my feet left the ground on the kiss and I thought I was in love. Little did I know how in Jr. high that love last about 2 days. Felt my first supposed heart-break. My first sense of violence I got in a fight where the kid landed the first 3 punches and it hurt but I got one and it was over. I liked the feeling of hurting someone. If I would have been smart enough I would have known that my anger of my life changing was at that moment.  I got my first hug from an 8th grade teacher that wasn’t from family and they told me that they were proud of me. It was the first time that I realized people didn’t care for just themselves. I got my first real job cleaning manure at a dairy and was the first time I realized I had to go to college. Especially the day it rained and I fell face first into it.  When my dad came home and was laid off and he never worked again. He was disabled and everything in my life went from good to horrible. When I worked to pay for my family, when the innocence of being a boy left and the anger of a man took over. When everything you had gotten at Christmas or birthdays was pawned or sold. It’s tough to know your stuff that made you happy was making someone else happy. When you go to someone elses house that you can’t stand just so you can eat a meal and not feel like a burden on your family. When you can’t stay healthy so you can play a sport that will “get you out” of the mess you hate. When you see the strongest woman you know cry for the first time and hate your dad because he couldn’t fix it so you would never have to see your mom cry again. When you have your first sexual experience and you have a girl tell you she loves you but you ignore her because you’re hurting to bad inside to let anything love you.  A happy time when you find 30 on the sidewalk and that provides your family bread and milk. A happy time for me always was that no matter how bad things got nobody knew we were poor. My mom could clean anything out of our cloths and she sold everything she had to make sure people know we were taken care of. How every birthday or Christmas I felt like it I won the lottery because I got one or two gifts. When my parents knew the responsibility that I was under but stopped me and made me look them in the eye and they always said they were proud of me.

I’ll start again in the next blog. Thanks for always reading.





Day 467: What these eyes have seen

11 05 2014

I wish some days I was blogging more but I do enjoy it. Sometimes I have too much to blog about and sometimes not enough at all. Another fabulous mothers day celebrated along with my daughter’s birthday today. I’m trying so hard to appreciate my mom with her being older and her Parkinson. My daughter is almost a teenager and I’m appreciating at times how sweet she is before the transition starts to A TEENAGER.  I miss my kids so much the weeks I don’t have them that were so tired on Sunday night because we stay so busy.

I think Im going to make this a two-part blog: Some of this you have heard before at the beginning and some is new. This is why I blog. I have seen ALOT Good and bad and each story of what I have seen with my eyes allows me to have a different idea or words to blog about my life. Im never really empty of  ideas but sometimes just can’t get them typed out. This blog started because my mom asked me this weekend what I had been envolved with and seen in my life! I swallowed hard and told her some of it.

What these eyes have seen: I will start in 6th grade: A girl I called my girlfriend whatever it is at that age got decapitated in a car accident. I saw here before the funeral and how the head was stitched back on to this day the picture stays in my head. I broke my leg and it changed my life forever. I didn’t know it then but my life struggles started then. My first kiss I remember was in the hallway of this old dinge jr high we went to. I think my feet left the ground on the kiss and I thought I was in love. Little did I know how in Jr. high that love last about 2 days. Felt my first supposed heart-break. My first sense of violence I got in a fight where the kid landed the first 3 punches and it hurt but I got one and it was over. I liked the feeling of hurting someone. If I would have been smart enough I would have known that my anger of my life changing was at that moment.  I got my first hug from an 8th grade teacher that wasn’t from family and they told me that they were proud of me. It was the first time that I realized people didn’t care for just themselves. I got my first real job cleaning manure at a dairy and was the first time I realized I had to go to college. Especially the day it rained and I fell face first into it.  When my dad came home and was laid off and he never worked again. He was disabled and everything in my life went from good to horrible. When I worked to pay for my family, when the innocence of being a boy left and the anger of a man took over. When everything you had gotten at Christmas or birthdays was pawned or sold. It’s tough to know your stuff that made you happy was making someone else happy. When you go to someone elses house that you can’t stand just so you can eat a meal and not feel like a burden on your family. When you can’t stay healthy so you can play a sport that will “get you out” of the mess you hate. When you see the strongest woman you know cry for the first time and hate your dad because he couldn’t fix it so you would never have to see your mom cry again. When you have your first sexual experience and you have a girl tell you she loves you but you ignore her because you’re hurting to bad inside to let anything love you.  A happy time when you find 30 on the sidewalk and that provides your family bread and milk. A happy time for me always was that no matter how bad things got nobody knew we were poor. My mom could clean anything out of our cloths and she sold everything she had to make sure people know we were taken care of. How every birthday or Christmas I felt like it I won the lottery because I got one or two gifts. When my parents knew the responsibility that I was under but stopped me and made me look them in the eye and they always said they were proud of me.

I’ll start again in the next blog. Thanks for always reading.








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