Day 115 Parkinson’s Disease and my mom

30 04 2013

As we get settled in life sometimes the rug is pulled out from under us. The past 3 years I have learned way too much necessary but too much. My mom has always been the rock and in pretty good health and I know we have taken that for granted since she is 70 years old. She started shaking in her right hand in January and though maybe it was blood pressure or something else. It’s got to the point she can’t write anymore and last month she started shaking in her left hand. I thought please God no and put it out of my mind.

Friday came and my mom went to the neurologist she was there way to long and when she called me she was in a very fake okay mood. She said she had just gotten out of her  MRI. I said you didn’t have an MRI but just an appt. She said the Dr said she needed to go to get the MRI done now. So with that I had to ask the question I didn’t want to. I said what is the issue. She said he couldn’t say for 100% certainty but out of the 5 test she took she came back failed on 4 of them and he thought she had Parkinson’s. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I just sat there and my mom said are you going to say anything. I told her I loved her and I would call her back in about 5 minutes. I hung up and said okay God really I need a little more shit in my life. What am I not learning why do you continue to punish me. After I felt sorry for myself for about 5 minutes. I texted the people who needed to know and went  on with this thought process.

In all bad comes good I will find what I should do and where I need to be. Please grant me the strength to lift my mom up and fix this problem. I know at the end of all this mess this is something amazing waiting for my family and I will find it. Until then I have no idea what to do except get up and kick life in its ass everyday.





Day 117 My blank canvas

28 04 2013

A great weekend and busy with the Denton arts and Jazz fest which if you have never been make it a trip its great. I got to play security guard Saturday night and getting to see all the people drunk, sober, and not the ones not wearing a lot of clothing was greatly appreciated.

The one question I have after an event like that is why are people insistent on driving when they can’t walk. Budweiser was out trying to get people to get a driving buddy. I saw two people pulled over and they definitely didn’t pass the test. 17K later I bet they hope they had a driving buddy.

Last week in counseling I was trying to tell the counselor what it was like to start over. Here is what I drew him.

The drawing on the left was my life. The circle is me and the squiggly lines are my past. You can say parents, job, marriage, food etc.. The next pic you see is a blank sheet of paper which is my new life. Yep still blank. I have heard so many people say if I could just start over. My question to them now is: then what? See starting over is hard very hard After my 37 years of life everything I knew was false,, a lie, or just a stupid facade or fake. You think:Gosh if I could just start over everything would be so different. Okay yes IF you make the changes in your life to be different I would agree. The problem is that we are more, hurt,jaded, fearful and cautious then when we were in out early 20’s. We are to calculated or we know if I take that step and it doesn’t work then you know the outcome. So here comes the counseling.

I have learned to be a glass half full person (most days)I have a blank sheet for my life and all of the negative I mentioned above can become positives. Who I put in my life, what I do for work, what I want in a spouse, how I take care of my health  and what I choose to be grateful for. I still haven’t drawn the new circle on the page for the new me. (Not sure what I’m waiting on) but I do get to start over and not many get that chance. I get to take this lump of clay and mold me into whatever I want, knowing what I do know and that’s fantastic. Fear is what has held me back and not wanting to be wrong. My prayer is different now its not take away my fear it’s fill me with your ideas God and lets see where it goes. I know I have to be thankful not just the good but the bad. It’s so hard to tell God thanks a lot today that I lost money on a job, I was an ass to my kids but when you can find the good in the bad then the shift starts and you start rewriting your life.

 





Day 113 Everything I touch turns to Sh^T

25 04 2013

The week has been better for sure. My second favorite sports day starts which is the NFL Draft. I know it’s a guy’s soap opera but its great and I always know the Cowboys will do something stupid. As I learn more about the Father Wound and how many areas of our lives it affects I was remind last night at my men’s group about the Generational Curse.

What is a generational curse- Generation curses are judgments that are passed on to individuals as a result of sins perpetuated in a family for a number of generations. These judgments are characterized by continual negative patterns/habits/traits from one generation to the next. This bondage continues in the person’s life reducing his quality of life, until they address the sin issues that brought about the curse in the first place. You may have never heard it called that but many of us have struggled with these in many different ways.

Here is  a great example that I know 5 of my friends have happened to them.

Say you have a father who is a severe alcoholic. He marries, has several children, but never breaks his addiction to the alcohol during his entire married life. As a result of his addiction, all of his children will be forced to watch all of the negative things that will be going along with it.

Many alcoholic men end up abusing both their wives and their children – either verbally, physically, and/or sexually throughout much of their married life. As a result of this kind of severe transgression against the Lord, demons will be allowed to come in and attach themselves to the sinning alcoholic father. The demons will have full legal right to be able to come directly after the father for crossing over into this kind of an extreme realm to begin with if God should so choose to allow this to happen.

Once the demons attach and settle in on the sinning, alcoholic father, they will then see which of the children they can try and target. What they will try and do is persuade and influence one or more of the children to become an alcoholic themselves – just like their father was. As a result of this kind of direct demonic influence that will start early on in their lives, some of these children will then end up becoming alcoholics themselves once they are old enough to leave their home and move into their own marriages.

Some of these children then end up repeating some of the same dysfunctional behaviors as their sinning alcoholic father had done. They then have their own children, those children then see, watch, and experience their dysfunctional behavior – and then some of their children end up coming under direct, demonic influence as they did and they in turn then end up becoming alcoholics themselves. And then the cycle keeps repeating itself as you keep going further down the bloodline of these families.

And all of this negative and demonic activity going down to at least 3 or 4 generations of future children all started as a result of the severe sins and transgressions of the one sinning father or mother.

I bring the generational curse up because last Friday at the end of one of my crappiest weeks in years a loan that I had been working on feel through for my mom. When I hung up the phone the first thought that came to my mind was that everything I touch turns to shit. I really felt that way, but that’s a lie and I know that. I sit and wondered why my mind went there and and then I remembered. My dad didn’t have many things in life left from his dad/ my grandfather he had a letter or a crappy excuse for one that he showed me 3 months before he died when my dad was apologizing to me. It said “Everything I touch turns to shit. Sorry! Buele.

I couldn’t believe that my dad had kept it but his dad signed his name, didn’t say he loved him,he said that his dad didn’t apologize ever and that it always reminded him why things had been so bad in his family. My dad always said everything I touch always turns to shit.  The day he apologized to me he he said the same thing and said he was sorry. DO you realize that three generations of men in “The Wood” family believed it and passed it down. I felt disgusted I felt that way and I know better but there is still a part of me that believes.

The father wound runs deeps and with that comes curses from our fathers and mothers. I know we have to full surrender we have it, and then confess the sin. I m not further along but if the negative debilitating thought process continues in our minds we never live our lives.

 





Day 110 Deaths Door

23 04 2013

Day 110 Deaths Door.





Day 110 Deaths Door

22 04 2013

A really good day for a Monday.  I got a text last night from a friend from Jr. high that I caught back up with two years ago thru Facebook. He told me Rex died. Rex was one of those men that just scared the shit out of you. He was 6’6 probably 250 tatted up, long black hair in a pony tail and a deep booming voice. He had tattoos covering up scars from what we would call bad boy time in his life. He was married to one of the nicest, smallest women I have ever been around. She (Ms. R) was a round 4’11 probably 90lbs but could put him in his place. In high school he loved watching his Jackets play sports. He knew my dad and worked with him for probably 5 years and knew my dad had become disabled and kind of took me under his wing. He knew a lot of the things I was doing and didn’t want me to go down that path.

He has a son that died at 2 years old which had him spiral out of control. He took every wrong path you could, but he found a great women that no matter her stature she was able to breakdown the walls he created. He moved to Cleburne to work at the nuclear power plant my dad worked at. Some of the things he did in his past didn’t allow to have any more children and the women he married couldn’t have kids either so it worked well. My dad invited to watch my sporting events because I think my dad felt sorry for him but he really tried to be a father/friend to me. Sorry I’m rambling here but trying to make a point I promise.  He always praised my dad as I cursed or ignored his statement. I remember he always said that we will all make mistakes but we can come back. I used to think I could beat up anybody and one day I was talking smack and he said you think you could whip me and I said I know it.  About 10 seconds later and I got one punch in I thought I was about to die and  get my arm broken. I learned a lesson that day that there’s always someone who is badder than me.

The other lesson he taught me was about no matter what you do you leave a legacy. He had a horrible life until about the last 20 years and did things that even if I told you would tell me I was lying. I bonded with him because of our paths were very similar. His legacy was a bad one until he made “the change”. He told me once that when you’re laying in your casket you wont care about what they are saying about you but those whose lives you touched good or bad will. Your funeral isn’t about you it’s about those left behind. He said remember and make sure your legacy is something your proud of and what do you do to touch the world before deaths doors touch you.

I was reading FB before I started writing and this popped up so I knew I should write.

I’m trying so hard to change my legacy. I feel so far sometimes and I m so embarrassed but I working on “the change” which is forgiving me. I want my children and my next spouse to be sad when I’m gone but to know I touched the world in a positive way and made a difference. When the church is full of people who loved me and remember me it’s not about my stuff but who I was to them and who when they needed me I always extended the helping hand.

Last time I talked to Rex was last August when I got divorced. He told me he was proud where I was now and knew the divorce would come but I was changing my legacy. He said that I would change the world if I would forgive myself and I actually forgot that until last night. So as I pondered that all day today (Ms. R) called me to tell me that Rex died of a heart attack but with what he did to his body its amazing that he lived this long. She said he wanted to be cremated and they were going to spread his ashes up on the 101 in California and there was no need to come, but if I got to San Diego to let her know. She said 1100 people came to the visitation at the funeral home I guess he touched lives and left a legacy. I know he did on mine and as I think back about him today where he came from and where he left us that when death knocked on his door he had forgiven himself and is helping me to learn to forgive myself.

Sorry if this was rambling but this was a big part of my life that I needed to blog about. May not made sense but it made me feel better.





You are more beautiful than you think

22 04 2013

Watching the video makes me think what my drawing would be and I know I wouldn’t like it, but I’m sure that what others drew of me would be so much better.





Day 109 Touch this

22 04 2013

Day 109 Touch this.

Ever just watch people.  I went to my first quincianera last night which was amazing I was the only white guy but it was an amazing  people event and after that I went to our Rugby bar to celebrate the bar’s 3 year anniversary. People are great with or without alcohol, but get them the drunk or tipsy and they will do anything. I saw some of the craziest dancing, eating and yelling about nothing. I listened to a couple talk about the proper way to pet a dog, two other guys talk about shaving their pubes, two girls talked about eating lipstick. I laughed a lot and sat back and wondered also why they let us drink when it causes those types of conversations.

This past week has been one of the worst I have had in two years. With what went on in the country itself  in Boston and West Texas that was enough, but my week in work was horrible, I had a blow up with my daughter and ex and on Friday a loan we were working for 3 months fell through. I also didn’t handle the week well. With anger, sadness, and all out leave me alone  attitude I m thankful that tomorrow is Monday. The one thing I haven’t experienced since my last two years of marriage and divorce is physical touch. My love language is physical touch and it’s hard to function without it. BTW if you don’t know your love language it’s imperative you find out so you know how you need to be loved. 5 Love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. When you don’t get your love language you just don’t function in the manner designed. This week I needed the physical touch. It’s not just the sex which most people think. It the holding of hands, hugging just a simple acknowledgement.  I know I craved it this week. It was weird because I almost didn’t even know what the feeling was. Long story short find your love language that makes you tick and someone to share that with because it make a crappy day better.








iksperimentalist

a collision of science and comedy

Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective

I cheated. Yip I did it, I am not proud of it, but that won't change a thing. This is my story of me trying to survive one day at a time. No guarantees....

Sound of Silence

There is a better place than this silence

The Time Lock

photos by amsang

simple Ula

I want to be rich. Rich in love, rich in health, rich in laughter, rich in adventure and rich in knowledge. You?

%d bloggers like this: