Day 266 Truth without Grace

30 09 2013

I love having my kids with me! We are a great little family! We all have our roles and we are all comedians in some sort of way. You can tell when a joke is coming and sometimes I wish I could prepare on what to say after it it’s issued? My kids were troopers this weekend! I had my first Rugby game of the year and about 5 minutes before the game a monsoon started. I bought them poncho’s to wear and they stayed in the car for about an hour and they came out and watched. They stayed amazingly clean. I got to play 65 minutes which is the longest I have played in three years. I’m so sore but it felt great and the Crossfit has helped me be in great shape. I just wish my body knew what to do with itself today.

In church today we tackled a tough subject which was abortion. Not many churches will be it needs to be done. Pastor Toby was talking about how the church and Christians will speak the truth on abortion but never shows grace. There is never condemnation in Christ. Sure I have heard that but never really felt that or lived it. So I drifted in church about my own life. Yes I know all about abortion and not finding grace but Im talking about my life in General.

Grace is: grace has been defined as “the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to earn it”,[1] “the condescension or benevolence shown by God toward the human race.

Okay I get the definition so here in the problem. I never saw grace used or knew what it was besides the Aunt in Christmas Vacation being named grace. The truth was always hit over my head by the Baptist, my parents, coaches and friends. Why would that be because that’s all anyone knew I guess. So guess what as a young adult and growing older adult all I ever knew was to speak the truth to you or at you and no matter how bad I hurt you I thought I was doing the same thing. When I got it done back to me I wondered why I could never be forgiven or just looked at Im a sinner. I didn’t even see the hell I was unleashing on others.  I was a sinner so were you but why were my sins different from yours or when it came to me why were my sins bigger. All I wanted ever was someone to say its okay I have been down a path not your path and Im not casting down on you I just want you to know that its okay and I love you! We have all done crap and bad crap to others and ourselves but we feel better when we think that well I have never done anything that bad.  A sin is a sin! There are no levels! I have probably committed about every sin out there not all but most and why did everyone want to be the first one to throw the stone or why did I want to stone myself.

I mean this I try to practice grace with the little knowledge I have about it. It’s so hard for me because I really don’t know if I’m doing is it right. I have to learn that only I can practice it and pray for it in return. No matter how truthful something is we can still offer grace in the truth. In the bible with the women at the well. he didn’t tell her that it was okay what she was doing but she said that now that they don’t condemn you neither do I. Wow you mean all of the other sinners had to drop their stone because they were sinners too. Jesus was honest but offered her grace. As I try to everyone as an equal and that we are all in the same boat there are those people who are so miserable that when they get the chance they will pounce and try to draw blood only though because they were never offered, seen or know what grace is. So the next time you put on your holier than now jeans, remember one day they will shrink and you will need that grace too.

 

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Day 266 Truth without Grace

30 09 2013

Day 266 Truth without Grace.





Day 266 Truth without Grace

29 09 2013

I love having my kids with me! We are a great little family! We all have our roles and we are all comedians in some sort of way. You can tell when a joke is coming and sometimes I wish I could prepare on what to say after it it’s issued? My kids were troopers this weekend! I had my first Rugby game of the year and about 5 minutes before the game a monsoon started. I bought them poncho’s to wear and they stayed in the car for about an hour and they came out and watched. They stayed amazingly clean. I got to play 65 minutes which is the longest I have played in three years. I’m so sore but it felt great and the Crossfit has helped me be in great shape. I just wish my body knew what to do with itself today.

In church today we tackled a tough subject which was abortion. Not many churches will be it needs to be done. Pastor Toby was talking about how the church and Christians will speak the truth on abortion but never shows grace. There is never condemnation in Christ. Sure I have heard that but never really felt that or lived it. So I drifted in church about my own life. Yes I know all about abortion and not finding grace but Im talking about my life in General.

Grace is: grace has been defined as “the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to earn it”,[1] “the condescension or benevolence shown by God toward the human race.

Okay I get the definition so here in the problem. I never saw grace used or knew what it was besides the Aunt in Christmas Vacation being named grace. The truth was always hit over my head by the Baptist, my parents, coaches and friends. Why would that be because that’s all anyone knew I guess. So guess what as a young adult and growing older adult all I ever knew was to speak the truth to you or at you and no matter how bad I hurt you I thought I was doing the same thing. When I got it done back to me I wondered why I could never be forgiven or just looked at Im a sinner. I didn’t even see the hell I was unleashing on others.  I was a sinner so were you but why were my sins different from yours or when it came to me why were my sins bigger. All I wanted ever was someone to say its okay I have been down a path not your path and Im not casting down on you I just want you to know that its okay and I love you! We have all done crap and bad crap to others and ourselves but we feel better when we think that well I have never done anything that bad.  A sin is a sin! There are no levels! I have probably committed about every sin out there not all but most and why did everyone want to be the first one to throw the stone or why did I want to stone myself.

I mean this I try to practice grace with the little knowledge I have about it. It’s so hard for me because I really don’t know if I’m doing is it right. I have to learn that only I can practice it and pray for it in return. No matter how truthful something is we can still offer grace in the truth. In the bible with the women at the well. he didn’t tell her that it was okay what she was doing but she said that now that they don’t condemn you neither do I. Wow you mean all of the other sinners had to drop their stone because they were sinners too. Jesus was honest but offered her grace. As I try to everyone as an equal and that we are all in the same boat there are those people who are so miserable that when they get the chance they will pounce and try to draw blood only though because they were never offered, seen or know what grace is. So the next time you put on your holier than now jeans, remember one day they will shrink and you will need that grace too.





Day 261 The Reason

25 09 2013

This day is the reason I’m probably still here. Two years ago today I started counseling it was also the first time in my life I hit my knees and begged God please either take my life or take every bit of this life from me.  The marital problems were the worst and I had no idea who the heck I was. I realized how imperfect, I wished I hadn’t done so many things to her and to myself,  and my poor children.

Do you realize how much of a hell you have to be in to ask God please take my life. It felt like the world was spinning around me and everybody elses life was so great and only I was the worst thing in the world. You ever prayed and got up or opened your eyes and said well that was pointless.  I wanted to knock on God’s door and say hey did you forget about me? I know different now. No matter what was ever told to you life is never what was expected or told to us and we have to find it on our path.

Running or being scared to take a step is not what this life is about. It’s also not lying, putting up a front, or faking until you make it. when someone says how are you, you say “I’m good!” what you really want to say is please hug me or tell me I’m okay. Tell me I’m good and I matter. If you can get people to be honest the crap that people walk around with is such a living hell! I say all of this to say:

2 years later I could never be more thankful for asking God to take my life or take this life from me. I’m no where close to where I’m going to be but I’m pretty darn cool and I can see a light that I thought was extinguished. When I finally quit trying to take control I was able to live.

Today with the help I received I was able to at least get a friend where she needs to be so her life can start again. She goes into medical Detox tomorrow and then in around 5 days she will get freed from the living hell and start rebuilding.  I know its scary and she has no faith she can do it, but I am here in whatever way because doing this alone sucks! Please listen and extend a helping hand to those around you they need it. Almost everyone didn’t know my hell and seemed so surprised!

 





Day 261 The Reason

24 09 2013

This day is the reason I’m probably still here. Two years ago today I started counseling it was also the first time in my life I hit my knees and begged God please either take my life or take every bit of this life from me.  The marital problems were the worst and I had no idea who the heck I was. I realized how imperfect, I wished I hadn’t done so many things to her and to myself,  and my poor children.

Do you realize how much of a hell you have to be in to ask God please take my life. It felt like the world was spinning around me and everybody elses life was so great and only I was the worst thing in the world. You ever prayed and got up or opened your eyes and said well that was pointless.  I wanted to knock on God’s door and say hey did you forget about me? I know different now. No matter what was ever told to you life is never what was expected or told to us and we have to find it on our path.

Running or being scared to take a step is not what this life is about. It’s also not lying, putting up a front, or faking until you make it. when someone says how are you, you say “I’m good!” what you really want to say is please hug me or tell me I’m okay. Tell me I’m good and I matter. If you can get people to be honest the crap that people walk around with is such a living hell! I say all of this to say:

2 years later I could never be more thankful for asking God to take my life or take this life from me. I’m no where close to where I’m going to be but I’m pretty darn cool and I can see a light that I thought was extinguished. When I finally quit trying to take control I was able to life.

Today with the help I received I was able to at least get a friend where she needs to be so her life can start again. She goes into medical Detox tomorrow and then in around 5 days she will get freed from the living hell and start rebuilding.  I know its scary and she has no faith she can do it, but I am here in whatever way because doing this alone sucks! Please listen and extend a helping hand to those around you they need it. Almost everyone didn’t know my hell and seemed so surprised!

 





Day 259 The mess I made

23 09 2013

Yesterday was University of North Texas Rugby alumni day. It was a great Saturday for Rugby and I got about 15 minutes in and only came out with a fractured finger. We had about 75 players with new and old. I enjoyed so much watching the young pups learn the game. The best part is getting to hang out after the game with the old guys!  These 8  (Vance, Zac, Henry, Dane, Mike, Ben,Ryan, and Jim) have seen me at my best and worst. They were there for some of the darkest times but some of the best to. The one thing Rugby players can do is drink so with the stories, laughs and drinking it almost felt like old times. We never missed a beat and either making fun of one of us, or talking about life now. I’m truly blessed to have had them as a part of my life.  The one thing I know is that them trying to find a girl for me to date is not wise. I’ll leave that to someone else.

If you have read a lot of my blog going back to the beginning of my blogs I wrote about struggling with trying to fix everything in life with sex. When you do that you hurt a lot of women and that I did. My Rugby days in college were the worst. I have since went back and tried to make amends with every women I had something sexual with. Some I didn’t know their name, or if I saw them I wouldn’t remember. Everyone I tried to make amends with it has turned out so much better than expected except for one and that happened last night. I’m walking back to get the food I order and this girl says hi Tyler. I did the friendly thing and said hey how are you but kept walking. I grab the food and when walking back out she said I need to talk to you. I said I’m going to eat but I’ll be back if that’s okay. I had no idea who she was and then my minds starts racing so I ate and went back inside. I was nervous and I had no idea why I was. So I tapped her on the should and she said are you not going to acknowledge who I am.  Then I took a deep breath and said I’m sorry but I have no idea who you are. Then her facial expressions changed and I knew this was about to get bad. She said this is XYZ I wont use her name and we dated for three weeks in October of 1997.  Then it snapped back and she looked great but that was the last time I saw her. Lets just saw for blog friendly purposes I tried her worse than trash. The worst part is I liked her but when you’re in your own hell that actually made sense at that time. Here is something for the ones that know me will still tell me and she said this ” You had no idea how amazing you could be” I stuck around because I knew that was there but you told me and treated in such a s%iTTy way I couldn’t handle it. I then got about three minutes of pent-up hell. Yes the last time I saw her was October 1997. She said you made a mess of me. I only knew to say I’m so very sorry and is there anything I can do. She said no and you don’t have to explain yourself I read you blogs, every one of them but you getting divorced you deserved it. I wasn’t surprised but knowing she carried that with her for 16 years made me sad. I made a lot of messes and I haven’t cleaned them all up I can see. She actually asked me for a hug and said she will continue to read and hopes that I find an amazing women because I deserved it.  I gave her a hug she kissed my cheek and disappeared. Talking about feeling you’re in a Twilight zone movie. Then I swear she disappeared I wanted to talk to her more but she probably knew that.

So why do I share this with you: People can forgive but never forget. Jesus even said forgive but don’t forget. Maybe she was on her journey of cleaning up her past and seeing me and getting it off her chest allows her to do that.   What we did in our past, today and tomorrow will stick with people. That means the bad but also the good. Everything we do in life is remembered and I try so hard now to make a good impression but I fall short.  Just know Im sorry and if I could change it I would.

 





Day 259 The mess I made

23 09 2013

Day 259 The mess I made.








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