Day 1986 Don’t read this blog because Im just whining today

20 11 2018

This is going to be  a tad bit long, and real, but if you are one of these people STOP READING NOW: You got life figured out, you always have the right answer, if every one of yours prayers are answered, the person in the mirror always answers all of your questions, you never struggle with any addiction, depression, loneliness, anxiety, money issues. If you trust God everyday and never doubt him, or when you give it to God its gotten,

Im writing this today so you understand what real is, not what we choose to put on social media, or life about when someone asks how’s everything going. I know we can always put a positive spin on everything and usually I do but I’m talking to those who struggle and feel alone.

 

4 weeks out of the year depression gets me. It usually lasts a week out of a time , which means 11 months out of the year I do pretty, anxiety creeps up on me, money issues grab me all of that is now. Everyone has money issues if you have money or you have money. It’s all spins just differently. Most of the people reading this are Christians, you can send me scripture, or tell me to give it to God, say this to shall pass. And guess what I know what! I get it. I’ve been a Christian since I was 7. I’m talking about when you said and done all the right things and the pain is there, Why did my engagement ended 2 years ago, why did it not workout with a woman I waited for, why do people die that shouldn’t and people who should don’t (yes I’m judging), Why do people hurt other people (yes I know the answer Im typing out loud), Why do I lay in my bed at night knowing Im a great man hear so much silence,, and now I can count the ceiling fans even as they turn. When I speak to the man in the mirror, he lies, but I believe the lies. Even though  it’s not my fault when I try to help someone but they blow their head off anyway well its not my fault. I know its not but the shit hurts.

Why do complicate life so much that when we get to heaven God says really you thought that day I gave you a flat tire because I wanted to punish you. Don’t you think I have more to do than that. Someone asks I cheated on my wife what I do, First of all stop, go tell her and deal with the consequences. (I can’t do that) well you’re screwed then.  I get depressed it runs deep in my family, I’m there now and I get told just get up. Of shit wait a minute let me run over to that get off my ass switch that I missed and flip it on. How about when you ask me how Im doing I lie and tell you how Im doing I say good and so I don’t hear some dumb response because now you will feel uncomfortable if I told you the truth.

You see I’m a good man, Christian, daddy, friend. I just hurt like you do. Doesn’t make me weak, doesn’t make me less than a man than I was. Im real, Im honest, I try to help, motivate, lift you up on a daily basis because believe me the messages I get from people they are wanting real, and not to feel like they are alone. So as you have that pill to get through that Christmas part, or that drink to take the edge off, or gossip about someone to make you feel better, or you give thoughts and prayers but you forget to actually pray just stop, think I have been there in my life and I might just want to be careful before I put my magic wands of bullshit out there.

 

So there you go. Im struggling now. That’s real, raw and honest. I would tell you that I don’t care what you think but that’s what people tell others  that care what they think. I love you people and Im sure I will get a bunch of wth is wrong with you, or he’s losing it. Nope I wrote this because I know at 1 person needs this. Were all going to be okay I know , I know. That doesn’t stop the pain today. So judge if you want, people judge can’t stop it just know the pain of the world is deep and we can all cover the bullshit with leaves but you’re going to step in it sooner or later.

 

Just try to love, be real, and quit trying to cover up life with BS. This to shall pass lol.





Day 1169 He wont always say yes

18 04 2016

Hello blogging world. I have absent because in all honestly too many thoughts to actual get just one or two on paper. This also is one of the busiest times of year in work, sports and my little kids lives. Also with having my amazing girlfriend and son in my life it’s just sometimes to busy to sit down.  We went to our first Texas Rangers baseball game of the season last night. When the weather is still cool, the smell of hot dogs, beer, and popcorn then the crack of the bat. It takes me back to being a kid. If I miss anything that may be it.

I want  this job, if I could only live in this house, I want to marry this person, if only I had a smaller nose, or I lost weight, or blah blah. Then my life would be different. If I only had what I wanted then my life would be the way I wanted. If God would just answer my prayers. How come God never hears my prayers. I never get what I want? The reason is he doesn’t always say yes to us. What sucks is how many unanswered prayers where the best things you never asked for. We are stupid if you think about. We ask for emotional things, we ask for things in our time. Then we don’t get what we wanted and life sucks and God doesn’t listen.  What about when you didn’t actually take that job and six months later the company closed. You didn’t marry that person and when you found out who they were all you could do is say thank you. Perfect example of my unanswered prayers. I prayer for God, to save my business, save my marriage, and take my life. None of those things happened and I couldn’t thank God that he didn’t answer my prayers, that he didn’t say yes to my plan. I have cussed God, left him, half ass prayed just to say I did and thought he really didn’t exist. The only reason is because he didn’t do what I said. 5 years into the journey. God said yes but to his plan. Then I’ve decided to say yes to him. I don’t always do what he wants to remember we are imperfect, broken, and flawed. That is certainly me but I’m trying to follow and listen. He is opening doors that I never imagined. He is letting my true character and identity come out. My wishes are coming true.

I can’t tell you what to do about God or your beliefs. I do know there is a God and I’m not him. I also know his yes is better than I could ever imagine. I also remember and know that when he is “missing” he never was. All I can do is be an example for him, and show believes and none believers who is even through my failures but my successes.  If your prayers aren’t being answered it’s because you just haven’t figured out that your plan is not his. You may follow you plan but just know there is a consequence and lets just hope you don’t get what you want.  When you feel like its hard, confusing or you don’t want to that’s his plan. Follow it! I promise its worth it.





Day 1169 He wont always say yes

17 04 2016

Hello blogging world. I have absent because in all honestly too many thoughts to actual get just one or two on paper. This also is one of the busiest times of year in work, sports and my little kids lives. Also with having my amazing girlfriend and son in my life it’s just sometimes to busy to sit down.  We went to our first Texas Rangers baseball game of the season last night. When the weather is still cool, the smell of hot dogs, beer, and popcorn then the crack of the bat. It takes me back to being a kid. If I miss anything that may be it.

I want  this job, if I could only live in this house, I want to marry this person, if only I had a smaller nose, or I lost weight, or blah blah. Then my life would be different. If I only had what I wanted then my life would be the way I wanted. If God would just answer my prayers. How come God never hears my prayers. I never get what I want? The reason is he doesn’t always say yes to us. What sucks is how many unanswered prayers where the best things you never asked for. We are stupid if you think about. We ask for emotional things, we ask for things in our time. Then we don’t get what we wanted and life sucks and God doesn’t listen.  What about when you didn’t actually take that job and six months later the company closed. You didn’t marry that person and when you found out who they were all you could do is say thank you. Perfect example of my unanswered prayers. I prayer for God, to save my business, save my marriage, and take my life. None of those things happened and I couldn’t thank God that he didn’t answer my prayers, that he didn’t say yes to my plan. I have cussed God, left him, half ass prayed just to say I did and thought he really didn’t exist. The only reason is because he didn’t do what I said. 5 years into the journey. God said yes but to his plan. Then I’ve decided to say yes to him. I don’t always do what he wants to remember we are imperfect, broken, and flawed. That is certainly me but I’m trying to follow and listen. He is opening doors that I never imagined. He is letting my true character and identity come out. My wishes are coming true.

I can’t tell you what to do about God or your beliefs. I do know there is a God and I’m not him. I also know his yes is better than I could ever imagine. I also remember and know that when he is “missing” he never was. All I can do is be an example for him, and show believes and none believers who is even through my failures but my successes.  If your prayers aren’t being answered it’s because you just haven’t figured out that your plan is not his. You may follow you plan but just know there is a consequence and lets just hope you don’t get what you want.  When you feel like its hard, confusing or you don’t want to that’s his plan. Follow it! I promise its worth it.





Day 807 There will always be a consequence

13 04 2015

Baseball is here! Opening day for the Texas Rangers and almost everyone is hurt already and my son’s team is 3-0.  It’s so cool to watch little kids grow in such a short amount of time. Listening to them encourage and at the same time knock each other around is so cool. I miss those days but at least I get to watch it now. Denton Texas has a lot of great outside venues and a  lot of places you can’t smoke which I enjoy. I will say this I would smell cigarette smoke over the guy or girl who crop dusts people with the most fowl odor. Remember spreading toxic fumes is a crime  or I think if not it should be. This is your friendly PSA Public Service Announcement.

One lesson I’m teaching my babies is that there is a consequence for EVERYTHING we do. If you’re doing good, good will come back in many ways. It may not come back to you today or tomorrow but it will. We don’t do good to get it back but when you need it the most it will come in. It makes God happy when we give from a grateful willing heart.

I want to make sure that I believe God doesn’t punish us. He does give s free will which I think sometimes is punishment enough but no matter what everything in life will have a consequence. Some call it karma, life, or what goes around comes around. The past month  things I did 20’s and yes 30 years ago are coming back around to me now. I know Im forgiven there is no doubt but you don’t do some of the things I did or we all do and think we get off scott free. Many of the fights I participated in my body and especially my hands don’t function the way they should, I had 9 known concussions that were diagnosed and countless others that were not. Since I was trying to show my manhood, be tough etc.. I get foggy ad lost sometimes. Yes it could be old age but it’s also the absolutely beating I took in sports and fighting. Sure I have great stories and lots of memories but they are catching up. The way I treated people not only in just dealing s but sexually have caught up to me. When I have been treated a certain way I’m like I can’t believe they did that to me but then I remember oh yeah you weren’t always the best either.

The alcoholic that drank himself  to sleep every night for 20 years liver is failing. Yes it is and it doesn’t matter what you have changed in your life, what you cleaned up or what has been forgiven it always comes time to pay the piper. The drug user that got high all the time and now they can’t function, the cheater that cheats and now they slept with a good guy and now they have something. I could go on and on. This is my belief that no matter what the decision we made and make will have a consequence. Yes God can stop some it but you can’t do bad things your whole life and get nothing in return. I still never regret my life but I do wish I didn’t hurt some people who I did. If I could the feelings they had towards me I would, or the things my kids heard during their mom  and I’s fights i would.

So the good news is God is a great redeemer!! When your past catches up to your body, your heart and mind don’t be mad or astonished that it’s happening. Use it as a learning tool so we can teach those around us young and old that there is always a consequence good or bad. make sure to tell them the good too. Out of all the rock bottom I can stand in front of 1 or 1000 and tell them through my bad choices there came great from it but man does it hurt not only physically but mentally. The best vase is a shattered vase when glued back together because the sunlight has so many more places to shine through





Day 807 There will always be a consequence

12 04 2015

Baseball is here! Opening day for the Texas Rangers and almost everyone is hurt already and my son’s team is 3-0.  It’s so cool to watch little kids grow in such a short amount of time. Listening to them encourage and at the same time knock each other around is so cool. I miss those days but at least I get to watch it now. Denton Texas has a lot of great outside venues and a  lot of places you can’t smoke which I enjoy. I will say this I would smell cigarette smoke over the guy or girl who crop dusts people with the most fowl odor. Remember spreading toxic fumes is a crime  or I think if not it should be. This is your friendly PSA Public Service Announcement.

One lesson I’m teaching my babies is that there is a consequence for EVERYTHING we do. If you’re doing good, good will come back in many ways. It may not come back to you today or tomorrow but it will. We don’t do good to get it back but when you need it the most it will come in. It makes God happy when we give from a grateful willing heart.

I want to make sure that I believe God doesn’t punish us. He does give s free will which I think sometimes is punishment enough but no matter what everything in life will have a consequence. Some call it karma, life, or what goes around comes around. The past month  things I did 20’s and yes 30 years ago are coming back around to me now. I know Im forgiven there is no doubt but you don’t do some of the things I did or we all do and think we get off scott free. Many of the fights I participated in my body and especially my hands don’t function the way they should, I had 9 known concussions that were diagnosed and countless others that were not. Since I was trying to show my manhood, be tough etc.. I get foggy ad lost sometimes. Yes it could be old age but it’s also the absolutely beating I took in sports and fighting. Sure I have great stories and lots of memories but they are catching up. The way I treated people not only in just dealing s but sexually have caught up to me. When I have been treated a certain way I’m like I can’t believe they did that to me but then I remember oh yeah you weren’t always the best either.

The alcoholic that drank himself  to sleep every night for 20 years liver is failing. Yes it is and it doesn’t matter what you have changed in your life, what you cleaned up or what has been forgiven it always comes time to pay the piper. The drug user that got high all the time and now they can’t function, the cheater that cheats and now they slept with a good guy and now they have something. I could go on and on. This is my belief that no matter what the decision we made and make will have a consequence. Yes God can stop some it but you can’t do bad things your whole life and get nothing in return. I still never regret my life but I do wish I didn’t hurt some people who I did. If I could the feelings they had towards me I would, or the things my kids heard during their mom  and I’s fights i would.

So the good news is God is a great redeemer!! When your past catches up to your body, your heart and mind don’t be mad or astonished that it’s happening. Use it as a learning tool so we can teach those around us young and old that there is always a consequence good or bad. make sure to tell them the good too. Out of all the rock bottom I can stand in front of 1 or 1000 and tell them through my bad choices there came great from it but man does it hurt not only physically but mentally. The best vase is a shattered vase when glued back together because the sunlight has so many more places to shine through








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