Day 1891 Please don’t kill yourself

13 08 2018

Meet the teacher tonight. I have a jr. in high school and a 4th grader. My Lord time is passing faster and faster everyday as I get older.  Here’s to a great year for all of you!

I was sent a video today by one of my friends. It’s by Clayton Jennings called Stop, Please don’t kill yourself. Theres a tad of irony in that fact that is the month 7 years ago that I was ready to go. The noise in my head was loud, the pain that I felt in every step, in every fake situation I played up. I told goodbye in my silence knowing I wouldn’t see them again even though they had no clue this was the last time they would see me.

Depression was like a bag of Oreos for me. I could eat line after line with no thought. I could only think of the skin i was saving, the people who could breathe easier knowing that I wasn’t there. My kids that didn’t need this broken, failure of a man. I cried more those 2 weeks before the day came. Tears of joy for others and tears that I couldn’t believe the failure I allowed, the brokenness that started as I came out of the womb. I remember a primal scream  I let out in my car that I’m surprised didn’t shatter my windows. Suicide was my only way!

If I could tell you anything I would tell you its a season of life. Your damn right it hurts, probably the worst feeling you have ever had. If you choose to walk with the devil you will hold his hand. His whispers are loud and believable but you ave to yell out I mean really yell out tell the devil to leave you. You want to talk about courage fight the devil when he is partying in your head. That is courage but you cant do it alone! I believe in God! He never said it was going to be easy. I thought being a Christian was supposed to be easy but when I didn’t understand I blamed God and said you fix it or I end it.

God rose up and he grabbed my hand and said I know you ready so come on. I fought some days and others I just gave in because I was tired not physically but in life. So I stood up but if you believe this is easy you are delusional. You see what I allow you to see, you don’t see this heart or these tears. I spend a lot of time by myself. I do know if I dance with the devil i lose. So I beg you just today stand up. don’t worry about tomorrow. Deep inside your soul the best is there. You just forgot it. reach out, ask for someone to just hold you, ask them to just shut up and listen.

I’ve never known one person that took their life that made this world a better place. You were wanted, needed and so missed. God will see you through it. It might be  category 6 hurricane in your life but please don’t take your life. I love you even if I dont know you. I never want one person to sit in their car on a hill yelling, crying with snot bubbles praying that this death goes slow because thats what I deserved. so I’m here!

Stop please don’t kill yourself!



Day 784 Will you wear the ring please

20 03 2015

After 8 days away I get my babies back tonight. I can’t explain how much I missed them. I need their smile and wit Im losing my touch without them!!

So yes I will continue to blog. I got around 25 responses and all of them were heart-felt. I also met people who I had no idea that read. This one stood out the most to me Thank you Pat!: if you are inspired to continue to write this blog, I will continue to read it. You are touching more people than you realize. They may not respond or reach out to you but it always says things that need to be said. If they choose not to read it they can scroll past it or delete it. Thank you for pouring your heart and soul out on FaceBook, it takes a special Man to do that.  So here we are again and thank you!

One of pet peeves is people who are married and don’t wear their wedding rings. If you didn’t share weddings rings this doesn’t pertain to you so its okay. I know the rings are just symbolic but that’s exactly the point. On the day you were married and you slipped the ring on the person’s finger you made a promise to each other and God and that was a promise for forever. I hear all the excuses, she or he knows I love her, it was just symbolic, I don’t wear jewelry, they understand. My point is why did you even put the ring on your finger that day anyway. If it meant enough at that time to put on then it should stay on. I understand if you can’t because of work but as soon as you can put it back on your finger. It lets everybody else know your taken and that your proud of that fact.

When I’m out and about and I see an attractive woman that I might find the courage to talk to if she has a ring on I turn right around. She is taken and I respect and her marriage enough to stay away. I know that a ring doesn’t keep crappy human beings from approaching you because they are so much better than what you already have but at least its a deterrent. With or without your ring your married until you’re not but are you so attention starved and hate your spouse that you need to be approached so you would actually take your ring off. If you don’t want to wear your ring that’s your deal but you better start searching because without it on your mind goes places it shouldn’t. If your my friend and I catch you without your ring I wont say anything I’ll just point to your finger. It’s a sign of respect and love and if you can’t do the simple act of wearing your ring what else are you not doing.

I bring this up today and I know its dumb but I used my thumb today to check my ring finger and got paranoid today because my ring was gone. That was 2.7 years ago I was married and the only time I took it off was for my court divorce hearing and when the gavel was hit I dropped the ring in my pocket to symbolize it was over. I loved being married and what it meant to me. I wore my ring always except to workout, work with my hand or in the ocean.  You don’t have to wear your ring but remember why you put it on to begin with. Time to put the ring back because with this ring I thee Wed!

Day 691 Your dreams are really stupid

18 12 2014

The time approaches for the big, jolly, guy in the red suit to pack his sleigh. Well this guy is finished shopping and all presents are wrapped. I love this time of year so much and what we can do for others. Please adopt someone and bless them. $50 dollars of gifts to some is an equal to $1000 for us. Just do something for someone else. The need is great and you need it too.

Writing this blog is hard because every dream I had been shattered by my own doing. I had many dreams some selfish but some that could have changed my part of  the world. Dreams are what make life tolerable. It’s why we get up some-days, when we feel so low its the one thing that can make us get  out of bed and just put our feet on the floor.  Just the excitement of knowing we are going to accomplish something that we thought we couldn’t do. Like I said all my previous dreams were shattered but the good thing is my life was spared and I’m starting to dream again. Not only for me, but my kids but others too. When you ask someone their dream and the spark comes back in their eye you know that you can help. Dreams are accomplished by having goals, someone to push u when you fall down, grabbing you by the hand and picking you up off the floor, and celebrating each milestone of your goal. I true believe that I’m here to help you be a dream catcher. May sound corny but when I can help I want to. Which brings me to yesterday:

I was in a coffee shop listening to two women talk. I heard more blah blah, but then this lady said you know what I dream about… A craft shop for women that have never had the time or money because of whatever life threw  at them.. It would have childcare and that all the supplies would be donated. You could see in her eyes that she had thought about it a lot and I was like how cool. Then her “friend” said to her that is one really stupid dream. I almost fell out of my chair.  the look on the woman’s face was total defeat. I continued to listen the reasons it wouldn’t work then I should have minded my own business but I didn’t. I said if your her friend why would you kill her dream. You should be encouraging her. I said because your’re a coward and you stopped dreaming doesn’t mean others have. I told the lady that her dream was awesome and go bless those other women. I put my ear buds in and I didn’t hear anything else. They left before I did and I thought what a crappy day that lady is going to have. When I got up and left they were in the parking lot talking. I went and opened my door and I got a tap on my shoulder. Sir, I’m not sure who you are but thank you. I knew my friend was going to shoot down my idea but you gave me hope, I told her don’t let anyone kill your dream and I expect to see your shop around in 2015. I got a hug and she left.

Don’t you dare kill someones dream. Just because it’s not yours doesn’t make it wrong. If they have the courage and you don’t then encourage them. Life is about hopes and dreams and doing what people say is impossible. If you stop dreaming you die. Here’s to life.

Day 163 Choose this

18 06 2013

I love the airport. I dropped a friend off tonight that was going to Australia. I was jealous that’s where she was going but it was exciting to think of  being across the world. The airport is the start of something new good or bad. It’s where things end and begin. Dreams start there and when you soar over the clouds you get to see how vast and amazing this world is. To know the world moves and shakes somewhere else and I’m not there is at least something to shoot for.



One Choice

You’re always One Choice away from changing your life


One tree can start a forest,

One smile can begin a friendship,

One hand can lift a soul,

One word can frame the goal,

One candle can wipe out darkness,

One laugh can conquer gloom,

One hope can raise our spirits,


And…one choice can change your our lives. One tiny choice. Think about one choice good or bad and how everything changes.

Think about that. One choice, just one, can change your life forever. Simply put, your life today is what your choices have made it, but with new choices, you can change directions this very moment.

That’s what makes us powerful, were only one choice away from changing our lives.

Weekly now I’m talking, asking and meeting people from all walks of life who made life-changing choices, whether it’s switching careers, losing weight, finding financial freedom, adopting a child, giving back to others and many more.  I hope my blog helps to give people ideas and courage to choose better lives for themselves.

 For me, the idea of changing my life with a single choice is highly motivational. It offers tremendous hope, regardless of my  circumstances, for a better tomorrow. My problem is which one but I know it’s time to choose and run with it. I know I need help being held accountable but someone can’t hold me accountable with a wish.


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