Day 1665 Divorce and things you don’t know

27 09 2017
I deal with divorce trying to help people and people asking me what do I do. It takes both sides to make it work for sure. It’s so easy now with roadside signs offering $250 divorce, divorce not being taboo, divorce being big business for lawyers and social media allowing you to hide and find a past relationship. Most people have lost their fight. Everything says run so most do.
I will say this first so i can cut you off before you tell me divorce is necessary.
I know for so many it is and was but to those still married, and those considering divorce let me tell you things you don’t know yet.
Kids are resilient and they be okay.  Sure as long as we are alive we will be okay but Please listen to this divorce will affect your kids in a negative way, no matter what you think. 2 different homes. My childhood wasn’t great but I always knew where my home was. Kids want both parents happy so they accept things that they shouldn’t. You have made an example that quitting is okay, that wedding vows are really only good when its working the way we want. I could go on but just know there is a consequence.
Divorce is one lonely  sob. You might hop into another relationship immediately  ( my opinion its the dumbest thing you can do.  You’re  bringing all ur garbage to someone who doesn’t deserve it, ur unhealed but ur trying to find happiness in someone else and you’re not happy)
Not saying my way is best but healing, and dealing with past hurts is lonely.  It’s a lonely you have never felt. If you split your kids up you don’t know lonely until  YOU eat by yourself and do things by yourself because of ur friends are in relationship and cant just drop everything to hang with you.
Everyone divorced has baggage. Yes even you. You base relationships on what you know, so your past lets u think well everyone is the same. Which in truth everyone has some if not the same characteristics its just ur not healed so everyone seems the same
You feel out paperwork and says in case if emergency or who do u put in ur will, who gets my money. If something happens to me what am I going to do.
I wish people would understand that divorce is a death without a funeral. It represents the end of something that started out with so much promise and hope and it’s painful when that hope dies. Sometimes I think that divorce has become so routine that it’s not taken seriously enough and that devalues marriage.
If you’re not a happy person now you wont be in a new relationship. Divorce teaches you that your own happiness is, in fact, important, and that you can’t be accountable for someone else’s. You learn that you can’t change yourself in order to make someone else happy.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I just would love to see families stay together. Old school in this case wasn’t so bad if you think about it.

Day 1629 Let’s run away

20 08 2017
School has started and I have a 10th grader and a 3rd grader. Either I’m getting old or time is passing to fast.  I know that seeing them grow up is a great feeling. Parenting is tough though. My Lord where is the manual?
We all want to run away.  Some people actually run they pack up, sell their home, and go somewhere that it will be”different”. Some people put on headphones and actually run hoping at the end of the mileage “its gone”. Some just get in the car and drive with no destination in site. Hoping when they return “its gone”. We spend hours, tears, new jobs, money, relationships, trying  to see if we can make sure “its gone”.
“Its gone” is us. Pastor TD  Jakes  says run from the garbage and people etc.. Run to what you want, problem is we usually run from the things we don’t want, not to what we do want.
I get people sending me things all the time and I was sent this:

There is no such thing as taking the right road, every time, but the road you take can turn into one you’re meant to be on. You choose whether to ‘stop’ along the way or keep going. Imperfection is part of everyone and is a part of decision making in life. Don’t let that mountain you’re traveling on crumble on top of you so that you can’t get back up. When that first rock falls, start to run and keep running until you are out of harm’s way. Stay away from the rubble.
What I take from this is that we have to be okay being imperfect! We cant run from that. We all want to be perfect and when we don’t lets run away. Now don’t get me wrong running away to break routine and getting a fresh thought is great but we have to run back.
My dad used to tell me when I was in high school that no matter where you go,  even the other end of the earth, everything will be the same because you are there. You can’t run away from you. Once the new of a person or area wheres off the person in the mirror is still you.
So run away but turn right back around because before you go trying to find this magic happiness and fulfillment stand in place and fix what is here. Then run but do it for fun quit trying to escape you because you are really great. I promise.

Day 210 Why I do this

6 08 2013

I’m a dork and always take surveys. I usually win once a year well I got a package in the mail today and I won a Samsung galaxy tab 2 with cover and 50 dollar gift card. So now I’m cool and have a tablet. Okay I’m trying to become cool.

I started writing in WordPress this time 1 year ago and I get asked about once a week why do you do this. I always take a deep breath and sigh and tell that person I needed to be heard. I was so lost in the midst of getting a divorce and I thought I had something important to say. It never mattered if I thought I had something to say other people do that for you. I felt better letting go of all of my crap. I had a lot of it to and finally the truth set me free. The messages I get telling me thank you or I can’t believe you said that but thank you I thought okay this is pretty cool.  Honestly at that time it felt good that there were so many screwed up like me. So why are I am I writing now?

That was the question asked of me Friday. What are you getting out of it now. I sometimes sit and wonder why myself. I mean do people really give a crap about what I have to say. Sure sometimes it feeds my ego and I like to be heard, but I do it because I want to show the world that their are Godly, truthful, flawed men out there that can admit to there wrong. I write and readership sucks and other days its amazing. I’m all about results and when a lot of people don’t read I tell myself well you wasted your time. Then I remember I only need one person to hear this.  On Thursday I got this message from a lady in Portland Oregon ” I just wanted to say thank you! I went back and read all of your blog posts and your amazing! Please don’t stop writing I need to hear you. I hate when you don’t write everyday like you did in the beginning. PLEASE DON”T STOP” I really needed to hear that because I have thought about not writing anymore.

Like you I’m human and we always need some reassurance and that really helped. When I go back and read what I wrote about I think I have covered so much: Death, anger, hatred, suicide, parenthood, love, divorce, friendship, money, idols, God, travel, loneliness, dealing with your past, etc.. I have cried many times sitting in front of this computer, I have felt like my heart was going to burst with joy talking about kids. I have hoped many times that someone would reach through the computer and give me a hug because I needed one so bad.  I still feel like I’m on an island sometimes and I’m drowning. I want to be positive more when I write but most times people learn through th  hell rather than the heaven.  In the movie Cast away with Tom Hanks he was truly on an island and his only friend was a volleyball named Wilson. I could so relate to that and sometimes still do. When he lost Wilson he thought it was over and in a way his life was starting over when Wilson went away. Starting over which is what I have done is the hardest thing in the world to do, but its a clean slate and a blessing if looked at it this way.

With all of this rambling what I’m saying is that I understand the sh%t of life and I’m starting to see the good to. Please don’t think your by yourself in life, people do understand or they really want to.  We will all have our days feeling depressed or lonely, but pray, listen and know you can always write me and I will be willing to listen and hopefully offer some words of encouragement. I have learned to love truly love and would be honored to hear from you and walk your journey with you.

Day 104 Who’s that Ghost

16 04 2013

Well I can still get mad. I’ve been working with the City of Dallas to get a permit for about 4 weeks now. Lets just say that having a job like that is great because customer service goes out the window and they don’t mind making you wait. I waited 6 hrs in the past two days and today I told someone. I wasn’t an ass but I wasn’t Mr. Rogers either. I never understand why someone has to get upset for something to happen. Oh well!

I ve had a lot of time to reflect in the past two days about my daughter’s baptism. I’m so happy and proud of her. She asked me today why I cried when I was about to baptize her and I explained how I had let her down and the mistakes I had made. The fact that she was sitting in the water was no only a testament to her but how far I had come as her dad. She looked at me and said dad you never let me down and if you did I forgot. Well to know that she doesn’t recall or that she was being nice is something I will remember forever.

Who was that Ghost sitting next to me tonight. I remember her smile, her smell and sound of her voice but I couldn’t recall. I carried on a conversation with her but she felt like someone I used to know. I sat there and watched the other kids and my daughter play their instruments and horse around and watched my son talk to her and sit in her lap and I couldn’t remember who the ghost was. I left the area not in a physical way but mentally and really tried to remember and wondered what in the hell happened. I then snapped back and it was ex-wife sitting next to me. She was a ghost to me. It honestly felt like I knew her at some point in my life but couldn’t place her. It was very odd but as the song goes “Its somebody I used to know” I know it means that I’m only getting healthier and healthier within myself but to know that you can spend 14 years with someone and its like they just disappeared. It does help us to get along better because it’s just we are two random folks that happen to have to be on the same page to raise our kids.

I never believed in Ghost but they are real.

Day 99 Yes we are that stupid

28 11 2012

It was check day for the subs. I love this day because I actually feel like I m doing something to help people out. I also got to interact with a property inspector for the city this guy was kind of pleasant but good lord they have great job security. Lets just say I was very nice and kept my mouth closed. Which is a big change.

My morning men’s group was very interesting today about how men are warriors but when we become that man we are brought to our knees by women and society. I ll blog about it later but lets just say it was very intense. It wasn’t a bashing session it was just the truth.

I also had counseling today. I swear I get so drained and torn but I always come out feeling like the lessons from the last time were worth all of it. We covered dating and what that should mean for me. I think I finally have a clear picture of what that means and how I need to do it.

If money was no object what would you do? This isn’t a question we should ignore. I think its one question that when we answer it our life can start moving in the direction we want it to. Have you ever been around that person that is doing what they want no matter kind of money they are making. I’m so jealous of that person because I can’t or won’t do what it takes. This all came up today because of this 3 minute video from today.

What if money was no object

How would you enjoy spending your life, but because how we were raised and our education system we are taught go to college, work for the man and live comfortably. Typically we are always miserable and graduate with a degree we didn’t want in the first place or we cant use it. We need to do what makes us happy. Alan watts says a very profound statement. Do what you want  forget the money, if you say getting the money is the most important then your life will be a waste of time. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living doing things you don’t like doing. It’s stupid. Its better to have a short life doing what you like doing rather than a long life spent in a miserable way.

After all if you like doing what you’re doing eventually you will master it and then you will get a good fee for it.. We do this daily and then we do this to our children and let them watch us do this so they can do it to their children. What do you desire?? It can’t be greed it has to be doing what we know makes us happy and helping others. We need kindness and heart.  We have to stop being machines based on what we are told and take that mustard seed of faith. Bring happiness to ur self and its okay to be afraid that just means that confidence is on the other side.


Day 91 Commitment Fulfilled

20 11 2012

Thank you for all the comments on my last blog. Its funny what causes people to read and respond. Had a great two days. Most of my friends are gone away with family so it’s a tad bit lonely but I m so glad that you peeps got away.

The amount of stress and unhappiness this time of year is amazing. If it’s in traffic or just being friendly to one another. I m not sure besides money or mother-in-laws that people are so upset about. Take it one day at  a time people tomorrow may not come.

When the words I want a divorce were spoken my counselor Brian begged me not to get in a relationship or have sex for 6 months. He said that with the pain I would be going through all another relationship or sex would do  is cause more pain for myself and others. Fixing  pain with pain never works. You also never get to see the true colors of another person when you in the midst of your own hell.

I can say today which is the 6th month mark that I did it. I actually have gone overboard with the sex I am on day 459 without sex and I have not been in a relationship. I can say that with sex I have come very close twice but I said a prayer and the prayer came true.I can say that I m so proud of myself because I had filled the voids of life with sex in the past.

I have been able to talk to women and actually care about them and what they have to say rather than looking at them (crude way of saying a piece of ass) and see who they are. Some I know aren’t right for me and some we will see. I can have a conversation, I can talk about my past with no lies and no judgement on myself. The six months for me helped me also see where I fall short and grounded me enough to be able to know what I still have to work on. I got to see what really matters and if cloths are laying on the floor the world isn’t going to end.

I know that a woman is going to be lucky to have me,that we will work together and love together. That life will throw grenades but we will can get in the hole together and get out together. It allowed me to see that I can and will be married again.

This doesn’t mean the flood gates open and I date everyone but now I m ready.  I want to thank Brian Hackney for who you are and what you mean to me. Jim McBride who has supported me and asked me every time I met a lady he prayed and asked did you have sex. Thank you for being accountable. There are two other people I want to thank but they asked me not to mention their names but you know who you are and thank you for respecting what I m trying to do.

Men we can speak to a lady and not have sex on our mind. We can value a women for who she is not just her butt and boobs. Its refreshing and if this broken, sexual weirdo can do it you can too.

pass this on!!!!

Day 78 Old Tyler is Dying

8 11 2012

What a hell of  a day. From my daughter having to go to the Dr. for a tendon problem in her foot to the counseling appt. I had today. It was one of the hardest and most depressing counseling sessions I’ve  had in a long time. Now it was necessary everything I heard. It ended in a playful but not so much with me flipping off my counselor. We both laughed kind of but I didn’t want to.

We all go through seasons in life. We all know the seasons (Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer) Sometimes we never leave a season. I’m in the winter right now. Things are dying in the old me so when my spring comes I will have new blooms. After today I know I still have a lot of anger and maybe  more fear than I have ever had or maybe admitted.

Do remember the old pin cushions our mothers had.  You would see a hundred different pins in them and it seemed they were never used. My life is that pin cushion. I pulled out 100 of those pins in the past year  dropped them on the ground and that still leave holes in your heart. When you try to pick the pins up that you need to sustain a quality God-fearing life you stab the pins in your hands, you drop them on your foot. What I mean is you hurt yourself. You have to plug the wholes out when you empty your heart  (Pin cushion) but you can’t do it all at one time. I thought I was in my spring season of life but I got a dose of reality today that I m in winter and there are still parts of me dying off. Good thing is that they will die and I will be one hell of  a new blooming tree soon but this hurts. I want to believe or force myself to be in a new season of life but it only comes in God’s time and not mine. You would have thought I would have learned that already but I’m  still hard-headed.

Please know I m not writing for attention or sympathy. I just know if we are honest we all either have or will go through this. I want you to be prepared you cannot skip steps in healing. It’s always darkest before the dawn. My sun is coming up I just have to be patient. I started isolating myself again and getting away from what has helped me get to at least this point. I m going back to counseling weekly. Also I hear that the holidays suck for single people so I will need the support.

Love you pass this along.

Day 55 Screw this

16 10 2012

This day can go to hell. I hope God grants me another day tomorrow.

Day 43 Honesty Yeah Right?

2 10 2012

I’m so sports sad today. My beloved Cowboys played like they were on vacation already and my Rangers lost and only have to win one game to win the division but I think they are going to get swept.

Honesty it’s one of the hardest things to be and hardest things for us to understand. Everyone likes honesty until u start talking about yourself or God forbid them. If your talking about someone u can get the amen and the shaking if the head yes. I hated honesty and now I m learning to respect it. When u find out things about yourself its hard to swallow but when others find out those things about u it’s almost impossible to accept. The only way for me to heal is to accept my mistakes, hurts and fears. That doesn’t mean I have handled it well but I wake up everyday asking for the power to shut my mouth. Some days good and some not so much. Fear causes us not to believe what we need to hear, same with rejection, and guilt.
with me u will always know where u stand good or bad. It’s fine until the bad comes along but I think I owe u that.
My counselor Brian said because of your honesty your going to get hurt more than when u lied. He said 95% of the world says they want the truth until they hear it. I found out the hard way the past two days. I told two different women why I couldn’t date them. They were my issues and there’s. I got literally verbally pummeled. I made the point that wouldn’t u rather me be honest now rather than 3-6 months down the road. The answer was an overwhelming no. They began to berate me, how dare u, etc. I know I m doing the right thing sure I could lead them on have sex with them, drop them and I honestly think they would be okay with that. I rejected them and was honest so I m a dick.
I am okay with being an honest dick that u can trust rather than another dick walking the earth leaving a trail of tears behind. I appreciate the encouragement I got today. helping us realize a fear. I needed it.

The book I ve been reading about judgement has helped me a lot and also let me know how far I fall. Proverbs  says foolish lips invite punishment.  Getting control of our words in one the key ways to change our world.. . A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back. Proverbs 29:11. I struggle with hold my feelings back. Sometimes  what  is the truth is not the fool it is just someone telling the truth.  I had pain today because I told my feelings and things I thought that needed to be heard.

One of the isms about me I make a statement and because yo don’t my dry humor, or my heart  you take it as mean. If you know me you know thats the farthest from the truth. Usually I m trying to make someone laugh. What I do have to do is learn that most people don’t get me or my intimidating personally if I m not smiling.. I ve seen the look in the eyes of those people or how their voice changes. Once its done though no apology will fix what I have said and I have to take the responsibility for that.. When we are judged or scrutinized we often fail to accept the responsibility  for how our words evoke opinions and judgements of others.. We think they should have known we didn’t mean that. We are actually asking them to judge us with that thought; we just want tot he judgement to come out in our favor. However people can’t read our minds. Matthew 12:37 Jesus said ” For by our words we are justified and by our words condemned. As someone wisely said make your words sweet and soft. You may have to eat the. By this time in my life I m very full.

Love ya all, Pass this along.

Matthew Winters (Honest Thoughts from a Pastor)

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