Day 1629 Let’s run away

20 08 2017
School has started and I have a 10th grader and a 3rd grader. Either I’m getting old or time is passing to fast.  I know that seeing them grow up is a great feeling. Parenting is tough though. My Lord where is the manual?
We all want to run away.  Some people actually run they pack up, sell their home, and go somewhere that it will be”different”. Some people put on headphones and actually run hoping at the end of the mileage “its gone”. Some just get in the car and drive with no destination in site. Hoping when they return “its gone”. We spend hours, tears, new jobs, money, relationships, trying  to see if we can make sure “its gone”.
“Its gone” is us. Pastor TD  Jakes  says run from the garbage and people etc.. Run to what you want, problem is we usually run from the things we don’t want, not to what we do want.
I get people sending me things all the time and I was sent this:

There is no such thing as taking the right road, every time, but the road you take can turn into one you’re meant to be on. You choose whether to ‘stop’ along the way or keep going. Imperfection is part of everyone and is a part of decision making in life. Don’t let that mountain you’re traveling on crumble on top of you so that you can’t get back up. When that first rock falls, start to run and keep running until you are out of harm’s way. Stay away from the rubble.
What I take from this is that we have to be okay being imperfect! We cant run from that. We all want to be perfect and when we don’t lets run away. Now don’t get me wrong running away to break routine and getting a fresh thought is great but we have to run back.
My dad used to tell me when I was in high school that no matter where you go,  even the other end of the earth, everything will be the same because you are there. You can’t run away from you. Once the new of a person or area wheres off the person in the mirror is still you.
So run away but turn right back around because before you go trying to find this magic happiness and fulfillment stand in place and fix what is here. Then run but do it for fun quit trying to escape you because you are really great. I promise.
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Day 1615 Lets get naked

6 08 2017

First I want to thank you all for reading this blog. It’s so cool that people all over the world can read this. Looking at all the countries I wonder if I weird in foreign countries too.

Second I get a lot what does the day in your title mean. Well in this case 1615 days ago I started a car trip to Virginia by myself. to see one of my closet friends. I prayed and promised myself that my life would change for the better starting that day and would never be the same. So here we are 1615 days later. Its been one hell of a roller coaster but its been a blast.

I hope the title got you to read! I have been the physical naked more times that you want to hear. It was the only way I knew to love for the longest time or feel I was important. I hurt so many women over the years. It wasn’t purposeful just thought being naked meant I was enough. So shirt off,pants off and you liked me.

I hope for most of us with age comes wisdom, if not you hit your rock bottom and I promise you get wiser or you get buried.  I learned that not only does my value not coming from being physically naked but you want someone to love, like, or respect you: LETS GET REALLY NAKED. I hate small talk every bit of it, I could care less what’s up! I’m going to give or get a generic answer anyway so why I ask. The naked I want is the soul bearing, tear filled, biggest smile type of naked, clothes on or off I don’t care. I want to talk about: death, aliens, birthdays cake, what makes you cry, why you became insecure, why you fake it, music, the meaning of life,  the lies you live, your favorite smells, the quirks that nobody knows because you feel you’ll be judged, your childhood, your first crush, why you watch the ceiling fan spin at night, why does asparagus make your pee smell so bad, why you don’t like peanuts but love peanut butter. I want to know your emotions, what your depth is. Why you’re twisted.  I learned not to judge but question. When you know someone who is  feeling that,  that feeling only comes from God. if you know me and say you’re the weirdest person I know but I love your soul. Mission accomplished!

Don’t get me wrong I love the physical naked but learning what it takes to be real makes relationships powerful. I know you can’t get naked with everyone because most wont get it and that’s okay. So to me from you let’s get naked. Real is exposing your soul and not giving a damn! I’m ready for the real naked time!!

Thanks for reading

 





Day 1594 She said I was plankton

16 07 2017

Hello from the 2nd coming of hell from the heat called North Texas. Ill stop complaining but its gross. I love to shower but you cant wash this heat off. Come by and visit me sometime if your from the north I’ll show you how to start a fire off your skin.

My friend Angela sent me a message the other day and said your plankton. you go to the light and bring it back to dark and share. I asked her is that good? She said yes you need to watch  a video she posted from Sadie Robertson from Duck Dynasty. Said she talked about plankton and I immediately came to her mind. I told her I had been called a lot of things in my life but that was a first. She said your one of those people  who share their light with others. So i had to watch the video because the only plankton I knew was from sponge bob.

A plankton is: Plankton (singular plankter) are a diverse group of organisms that live in the water column of large bodies of water and that cannot swim against a current. They provide a crucial source of food to many large aquatic organisms, such as fish and whales. The name plankton is derived from the Greek adjective πλαγκτός (planktos), meaning errant, and by extension “wanderer” or “drifter.

So at this time Im like well I kinda suck,  wanderer, cant swim, a drifter, and things eat me but I continued to listen. Im a floater now. Plankton start at the bottom of the dark ocean and float their way to the top to receive  light (photosynthesis) once it receives the light it goes back down to the darkest part of the ocean to provide 90% of the oceans photosynthesis which in turns provides 50% of the worlds oxygen. So it starts at the bottom of the ocean and goes to the light to bring it back to those things that need it.

So I stopped and thought that’s the best compliment I have ever been given. Truly it is. I have been in the deepest darkest places. I have walked with the devil for a long time, I manipulated life and those around me, I lied to get what I wanted, but truly all I wanted was to receive the light and had no idea how to get there. When I went to take my life there were 2 options take my life or receive the light. Receiving the light is not easy. Its not walking into a room and flipping the switch. Its one, stop believing the lies we have told our self for years, cleaning out the people around us, and then believing what God says about us without say but, . It took me 36 years to get to the point so I can’t expect to receive all the light in one day. What I hope through my texts, messages, blog, speaking, Facebook and Instagram posts is one person take my garbage that I’m real about and says if this guy can do it I can to. I try everyday to go to the light and bring it to those who need it because in all honesty I hate for anyone to feel the way I did or do.

So I wear the title of Plankton as an honor. Some days floating around knowing that someone is going to use me a a source and bring oxygen to them that they may not have had before. I hope I can continue bringing light to you and if I haven’t maybe I will drift into  you shortly and help you just when you need it. LOVE YOU

 

 





Day 1566 Why didn’t you just ask

8 06 2017

Hello world: On Tuesday of this week I approved my book and it went to the printer. it took me 2.5 years to decided I was worth writing a book and anyone would read it. Yes Im excited but having it my hands will feel amazing. You better buy a copy pretty please.

Why? One of the most thought-provoking questions we can ask? On the other end is the answer. Sometimes its good and sometimes it’s not. So why do we stop asking Why as an adult. A few reasons I believe: We don’t care, the answer is going to hurt, we think we already know the answer. Little kids ask why all the time yes we get tired of hearing why and finally because we said so. That doesn’t stop them though.  Brian Dodge was a speaker I heard once and he said as an adult when we stop asking why our learning is over. How scary is that? So then we go to the famous art of assuming. Every time I assumed I was wrong. Do you remember the last time someone said Why didn’t you just ask me? You say I don’t know and walk away like why didn’t I just ask?

I’ll agree that when you ask sometimes the answer is awful. I asked my ex-wife when it was over do you love me anymore. She said no. My heart dropped to me knees I felt sick but I knew I needed to hear it. In college I asked a girl who was out of my league that I flirted with forever why wouldn’t you go out with me. She looked me in the eye and said I will you just have to ask me.

Why is  gathering wisdom, understanding, caring and respect. So the next time you don’t ask why just remember this is what you’re missing out on:

Showing someone you care, asking why is letting them you took time out for them their special, To eliminate confusion, To demonstrate humility to another, To enable a person to discover answers for themselves, To gain empathy through better understanding another’s view, To begin a relationship, To strengthen a relationship, To gain a person’s attention, To solve a problem.

Why you don’t ask these things are also possible: To find a culprit, To embarrass and shame, To appear superior, to create fear, To manipulate, To play the victim, as in, “Why is this happening to me?

Every time I don’t ask why I miss out on something. If you know me I ask a lot of questions not because I’m nosy but I care. I want to know you, I want to know what makes you tick, you’re special but I don’t know why until I know you. Its called conversation which I know is a dying art, but my best relationships are the ones where I know why and Im talking the dirty why too.

Why ask why. We need to know, someone needs to know you care. Love is asking why. Sometimes you don’t want to the but you might be pleasantly surprised what the answer really is.





Day 1555 My heart broke but it was about time

28 05 2017

Hello world is it me you’re looking for. Yes Lionel Richie on this Sunday because he was cool and I bond with him.  I have no thing more cool to say so on to the blog.

Have you ever seen or heard of a levee or damn that was about to break or needed to. Yes they need to break  because the only way to fix something is to watch it break open not  patch it. When it breaks open the destruction of many attempted patches and piece mealing is bad but it’s a necessary evil.  it may take years but eventually all things need to be released and new built.

It the past 2.5 years I’ve had 13 people die either who I ministered to, were an important part of my life or the worst one was my mom.  I also lost a relationship that I thought was going to be a marriage, and a few other things I’ll leave alone. You can get pretty jaded to the world and numb. Grief affects everyone differently. It could take years, to start the process, it could start immediately but first and foremost its going to happen. Nobody knows how to deal with their own grief much less yours. So they say something cliché because they are at a loss for words. The intentions are the best but they say they understand even when that can’t. So most people going through grief smile, say thank you and then live in their own personal internal hell when nobody else is around. Men are raised to be tough, hide your emotions, nose to the grind stone even when you know better you still try to be tough. For me I hate others to hurt, I would do anything to take away someone else’s pain even disguise mine like I am okay. Well…..

3 weeks ago after essentially 2.5 of years of pretending to be okay, numb, zombie like some days, angry others that I couldn’t save people or that how dare God take my mom. I smiled but didn’t feel the smile. Some days I hurt like a pain that wouldn’t go away, I would sit in the quite of my house and watch the ceiling fan spin with nothing in my mind, and other times 1000 thoughts every 30 seconds. People would ask, How are you? I would give I’m good, Im fine. What I wanted was someone to hold me, take a high-powered vacuum and suck my heart dry so I could start over but they don’t make that vacuum. I would talk to God, feel good some days others not so much. I would ask him to let me feel again. I know healing and grief is a process no matter how big or small the issue.

So 3 weeks ago I was mowing the yard, listening to music and I was like my God what is going on. I promise I was so weak I let go of the mower and hit my knees but not on purpose. My broken heart, for all the pain of life that either I tried to grieve or hadn’t,poured out on my lawn. I sat down on my butt and cried,  those tears that you wondering is this going to stop. I had so many thoughts cross my mind like those Hollywood moments where pictures flash  thorough so fast its blinding. It started the end of grieving had started. everything I hid, pushed aside, fought at or said wasn’t real spilled onto my shirt.  3 weeks I’ve cried everyday until yesterday. I feel relief but you can not grieve for 2.5 years and expect it to just go away. My heart that had been so broken for so many reasons has started the stitching and my healing is real. With that I hope I can start seeing some of the good things about myself that I miss because of the butt whoop in I put on myself.

Why write this blog: Somebody knows exactly what I feel or felt. They’ve been waiting for years or just moments to start grieving. God didn’t want us to carry this burden but he also knows we have to go through the process to heal not just band-aid the situation. Dont fight the process, it will come, in the mean time a lot can leave your life. When the heart starts breaking let the cut open and let that crap I know for me it was time.

Love you and tank you for reading always





Day 1549 so this is what its come to

22 05 2017

Remember naps, kool aid, recess, playing outside until you were so tired you came in I took a bath passed out and did it again the next day.  What about getting something in the mail,run out to the mailbox but no yet, drinking from a water hose, jumping into a pond just because, or taking your shoes off just because. trying to have fun because it was fun,  not to have fun to compensate to make yourself feel better. Anyway I’m saying being an adult is dumb and we continue to do the same thing.

Let say the stats are correct and 2% of people live they life they want. I’ll be generous and say 10% are living the life they want. So that leaves us the other 90%. Here are the things we celebrate now,

  1. I got to work on time,
  2. They canceled the meeting,
  3. Jeans day,
  4. A catered lunch,
  5. Getting to leave 5 minutes early
  6. Living to get a tax return check that we shouldn’t have paid over tot he government anyway
  7. Getting to eat a meal at home. It used to happen everyday
  8. 2 weeks of vacation to work 50 weeks. Then we dread the end of vacation because how much work we have when we get back
  9. Praying to God that the dr., lawyer or bank stay open past 5 so you can get business done so you don’t have to do everything Saturday.
  10. That someone will celebrate your birthday
  11. You go to the mailbox hoping its empty
  12. That somebody would do their laundry
  13. Can we order pizza because I don’t give a crap about anybody eating
  14. Someone body I cared about texted me but I haven’t heard their voice in 2 years
  15.  I worked to retirement YAY, now my health sucks so bad I can’t enjoy it
  16. We get 2 breaks a day to go to the bathroom
  17. Somebody waved at me. Do they like me. It used to mean people were friendly.
  18. You have to be sick to feel like you can stay in bed
  19. Someone pays you a compliment.
  20. I paid my bills for the month yes, oh crap its time to start paying them again.

 

I could go on but how freaking sad is it that life has become this. Routine is a killer of the soul. Why have we accepted this. It’s not God’s plan. ts not our plan but we stick ourselves in the butt with it and wonder why it hurts. It’s just dub, we stopped having fun, or our fun is were going to drink until we don’t remember, because Hangovers are a blast.

My boss is a dumb arse and if you don’t think you’re a dumb arse you are the boss. We live this life to get to a point to enjoy it then our health fades,  our love dies, kids move on forget about us until were dying.

Im not trying to be a pessimist but I’m sick of people not living.  Take them damn trip,  eat the food you shouldn’t , if your job sucks find another one, if you want a dog buy one. Just live because if you were giving a month to live you would start but its to late.

Oh but Tyler I don’t what to do. Okay good stop doing this stupid crap I listed that’s a good start. The only person going to make your life better is you. I mean nobody else will. Don’t blame, just do it.





Day 1523 Who are you when the door closes

26 04 2017

It was 76 degrees at 9:00 am this morning. At 12:00 it was 61 and now its 52 with a low of 45. Friday it will 90. I can’t change my underwear as fast at the weather changes in the beautiful state of Texas.  If you’ve never been to Texas make sure to get some BBQ and Mexican food it may give you gas but its worth it I promise!

I hate surprises when it comes to people. I would rather you be yourself from jump than pretend to be someone you’re not. I would never ask you to be like me and just put yourself out there from the get go. If you know me I’ll say just about anything, I volunteer information you probably didn’t want to know, I’ll let you know my faults, Ill tell a joke that might cause you to gasp, if the moment calls to cry with you I can and will, if you need me to defend you, I might lose my crap and get angry. I’ve been told and asked do you try to scare people away  before they get to know you? No I just want you to get to know me sooner than later. If you don’t like me you can move on and not waste time or say this is someone I want in my life forever. I want real! In any friendship or relationship there’s always a probationary period 1 month to 9 months. You kind of get a pass but we are who we are. What do you think is going to happen when people see the real you? I mean really think  about it if you become the bride or groom of chucky after 6 months do you think your relationship is going to flourish.

I have friends right now that long relationships are ending for the following, they were a drinker and hid it, one guy had kids that he never said anything about, another a porn addiction, one she sniffs markers when her kids go got school and passes out but gets up in enough time to still be mom and get the house ready. Another had an anger problem and she never knew he had until the first time she questioned him.  When you go home and close the door who knows that person.

Do you allow people to see the real you or do you put on a show? Do you exhaust yourself so much trying to prove you’re a great Christian, or mom, dad, friend but when you get home all hell breaks loose. The door closes behind you and your Halloween costume comes on. Being real is rare. I don’t have many friends, lots of people who claim to be friend but I have heard you are like nobody I’ve ever met. I always say thank you I wear that proudly. I tried to be a famous actor, and put my Halloween costume  on for people. It drove me to the point to try to take my life. I hope never again. I want you to like me but if you don’t its okay too. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I might be the best cup of tea you’ve had.

PS: Your closet door is open:)

 








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