Day 948 Man I have bad luck

31 08 2015

7 days of no soda as of today and Ive calmed down. A few days last week I was sure I was going to rip someone’s head off. Now I’m like a butterfly flying tree to tree. Okay if you know me you know that’s never true but I feel a lot better. After 2 deaths and two memorial services I’m glad to say that last week being over is a great thing. With my heart change of life I’ve become compassionate and needless to say I shed a lot of tears but glad I could be there for the families.

Man I have bad luck or no luck at all. One of the crutch phrases for so many when things don’t go their way.  I used it all the time. I said it so much I believed it more than anything else that came out of my mouth. Here’s what I have now: Nothing good or bad luck. I don’t believe in luck. Here’s what I believe.

If I choose to follow God’s will my life will go has his plan, or when I choose the Tyler way it will go that way too. I hear man my luck is so bad, I have horrible luck with men or women, or things just always happen bad.  What if I told you that sometimes we are stupid and make bad decisions. Were imperfect and because of that bad things happen. If you drink and drive and you get arrested, guess what that wasn’t bad luck, that’s a bad decision. If you spent years druggin, thuggin, fighting, drinking, abusing others and now your bodies rebelling or your things aren’t working. The piper had to be paid and now its time the check gets cashed. No it’s not God punishing you because he doesn’t but our free will and others catches up to us. Our the person that said I have bad luck with men or women. Look its simple: We are attracted to a certain type person and if that type of person hasn’t worked for the eternity of your dating or married life for the Love of God stop going after them. People who need to be rescued, addicts, people who can’t love you because they can’t love themselves. If you find that person every time you have to stop it. That person maybe comfortable at first then they become like crumbs in your bed and eventually will just make you so upset you quit. Here’s an example for me: My whole life I have chosen to find women who I had long relationships with that were the following, not affectionate, tall, gorgeous, needing rescued, fake, hollow, and down right mean.  For me that does not work. Doesn’t make them bad women just means for me that they don’t work. My friends tell me that I could go into Cowboys stadium and there would be 50K great woman and I would walk by them all for the one I’m attracted to. I’ve learned what doesn’t work for me and if I choose them then it’s not bad luck, I’m an idiot.

I’ve read the entire bible and not once did I read about good or bad luck. What I read is following his will, that tug at your heart or the overwhelming don’t do that. When you follow his plan good things really happen, you might come into some money, or an opportunity, or your kid succeeds because you choose to teach them a lesson and not let the world teach them. Or your walk over to that stranger and start a conversation because you really wanted to but were afraid and now you’re in love. Or you send your testimony out over Facebook and when you push send you wanted to throw up because you’re afraid of the  response and 6 hours later. A total stranger tells you that they decided not to kill themselves because of what you posted. I could have taken credit for that or said what great luck I had. Nope no such thing as look good or bad. It’s about following your heart and mind. The two most powerful weapons we have in our body can be used for good or bad but not for luck.

When your about to say man my luck is good or bad stop and think: Maybe just maybe it was the decision I made and I followed God or I didn’t. Yes for the devils advocate people sometimes bad things happen to good people who didn’t deserve it. I don’t understand it either, I’m not God or Jesus and I have a list of questions I would like to ask when I get to heaven too but until then life happens with or without my approval so just deal with it as it comes.





Day 948 Man I have bad luck

31 08 2015

7 days of no soda as of today and Ive calmed down. A few days last week I was sure I was going to rip someone’s head off. Now I’m like a butterfly flying tree to tree. Okay if you know me you know that’s never true but I feel a lot better. After 2 deaths and two memorial services I’m glad to say that last week being over is a great thing. With my heart change of life I’ve become compassionate and needless to say I shed a lot of tears but glad I could be there for the families.

Man I have bad luck or no luck at all. One of the crutch phrases for so many when things don’t go their way.  I used it all the time. I said it so much I believed it more than anything else that came out of my mouth. Here’s what I have now: Nothing good or bad luck. I don’t believe in luck. Here’s what I believe.

If I choose to follow God’s will my life will go has his plan, or when I choose the Tyler way it will go that way too. I hear man my luck is so bad, I have horrible luck with men or women, or things just always happen bad.  What if I told you that sometimes we are stupid and make bad decisions. Were imperfect and because of that bad things happen. If you drink and drive and you get arrested, guess what that wasn’t bad luck, that’s a bad decision. If you spent years druggin, thuggin, fighting, drinking, abusing others and now your bodies rebelling or your things aren’t working. The piper had to be paid and now its time the check gets cashed. No it’s not God punishing you because he doesn’t but our free will and others catches up to us. Our the person that said I have bad luck with men or women. Look its simple: We are attracted to a certain type person and if that type of person hasn’t worked for the eternity of your dating or married life for the Love of God stop going after them. People who need to be rescued, addicts, people who can’t love you because they can’t love themselves. If you find that person every time you have to stop it. That person maybe comfortable at first then they become like crumbs in your bed and eventually will just make you so upset you quit. Here’s an example for me: My whole life I have chosen to find women who I had long relationships with that were the following, not affectionate, tall, gorgeous, needing rescued, fake, hollow, and down right mean.  For me that does not work. Doesn’t make them bad women just means for me that they don’t work. My friends tell me that I could go into Cowboys stadium and there would be 50K great woman and I would walk by them all for the one I’m attracted to. I’ve learned what doesn’t work for me and if I choose them then it’s not bad luck, I’m an idiot.

I’ve read the entire bible and not once did I read about good or bad luck. What I read is following his will, that tug at your heart or the overwhelming don’t do that. When you follow his plan good things really happen, you might come into some money, or an opportunity, or your kid succeeds because you choose to teach them a lesson and not let the world teach them. Or your walk over to that stranger and start a conversation because you really wanted to but were afraid and now you’re in love. Or you send your testimony out over Facebook and when you push send you wanted to throw up because you’re afraid of the  response and 6 hours later. A total stranger tells you that they decided not to kill themselves because of what you posted. I could have taken credit for that or said what great luck I had. Nope no such thing as look good or bad. It’s about following your heart and mind. The two most powerful weapons we have in our body can be used for good or bad but not for luck.

When your about to say man my luck is good or bad stop and think: Maybe just maybe it was the decision I made and I followed God or I didn’t. Yes for the devils advocate people sometimes bad things happen to good people who didn’t deserve it. I don’t understand it either, I’m not God or Jesus and I have a list of questions I would like to ask when I get to heaven too but until then life happens with or without my approval so just deal with it as it comes.





Day 940 Its suicide season

24 08 2015

We got a final wrap on summer by taking my entire family to Great Wolf Lodge. For those that don’t know its an indoor water park. I think everyone had the same idea as me and it was packed. It was super cool place though and we even went down a scary slide. My kids are growing up so fast and this is the second time I’ve been there with them and just remembering from the last time made me emotional a bit.

I try to be pretty upbeat when I write my blog! Sometimes I don’t want to but be being positive and still keep it real helps me a lot. I’m hurting today to be honest. Yesterday and today I dealt with 5 different situations that I’m getting used to but it never gets easier. 2 calls that I am about to get a divorced what can I do, one a great man and friend died on the operating table, an addict refusing help, and a suicide.  Being a part of Rock Bottom Outreach we get to see the good  but also the bad. I don’t care who you are you just never get used to anything bad happening to anyone especially over and over. I guess my calling to help counsel people on is divorce, anger and suicide. Sometimes in that order all at once. Since I attempted suicide in 2011 I understand it and how somebody gets there. The worst part and every time it brings up the feelings I felt that August day. I was hopeless, felt that the world was better without me, my kids didn’t need me and that I was unlovable which I seemed to prove daily. Now that I’m a here I get sick when I hear about suicide. Not only for the person but the wreckage it leaves behind. Nobody ever becomes normal again especially the kids. It never makes sense unless you’re the one trying to kill yourself. Reason, and rational thought is gone. Its like the mind switched off and it’s not coming back on.

Yesterday through Facebook I got a message and honestly it shocked me. I pulled over and cried. My friend had just moved for a great opportunity for his wife  and he was going back to coaching. Last time I saw him he seemed like the same guy.  Happy about the opportunity and I just wouldn’t have thought it but……. He hung himself in a tree, his teenage son had to cut him down, and honestly his wife had no clue either. His son never gets the image out of his mind, the wife blames herself, and the other kids are left with a whole that only God and mean only God can heal. Thats 8 people this year that I was close to that had died of suicide. Then I made a Facebook just reminding them how much their loved. People think you wake up and say today  Im going to kill myself!! Thats not true at all, it takes time and hopelessness. It took me 2.5 months to make the decision. The pain that someone carried is absolutely earth shattering if you get to talk to someone who lived through it. After I made the announcement on my FB page three people reached out to me saying they were thinking about it and 4 other people said that they had friends in the past two weeks that had killed themselves. Last night before I closed my eyes I did some research! 22 % of all veterans are killing themselves and the suicide rate of Americans is up  57% for the past 2 years. Who knows if that stats are correct because stats are made up on the spot, but this is true people are  killing themselves at an  alarming rate.

Satan is real my friends and he is kicking a lot of butt now. More people are turning away from God and I have no other answer but God. The only reason I can hit these keys on the is keyboard is because of God. In a time where humans need each other more than ever we isolate more behind, our phone, or computer, when was the last time you just called someone or God forbid went to where they lived and just checked on them. The need to be in community and have a face to face conversation never ended. I think its more important now that ever. Do you remember the last time you had a face to face waked away with a hug and how great that feeling was. I bet when you sent your last text it didn’t feel that way.

Here’s what I know for me: If you have the slightest worry about someone, call them, invite them out, do something. It’s not your job to save anyone I guess but you have no idea the power of your words.

If your thinking about it: I love you, you are loved, you are not your past, you’re not your mistakes, you are a gift and you are needed. I promise you. It doesn’t matter what you thought can’t be fixed it can. Don’t isolate reach out.  If you haven’t prayed Jesus is right next to you. He never left you!

Love you!





Day 940 Its suicide season

23 08 2015

We got a final wrap on summer by taking my entire family to Great Wolf Lodge. For those that don’t know its an indoor water park. I think everyone had the same idea as me and it was packed. It was super cool place though and we even went down a scary slide. My kids are growing up so fast and this is the second time I’ve been there with them and just remembering from the last time made me emotional a bit.

I try to be pretty upbeat when I write my blog! Sometimes I don’t want to but be being positive and still keep it real helps me a lot. I’m hurting today to be honest. Yesterday and today I dealt with 5 different situations that I’m getting used to but it never gets easier. 2 calls that I am about to get a divorced what can I do, one a great man and friend died on the operating table, an addict refusing help, and a suicide.  Being a part of Rock Bottom Outreach we get to see the good  but also the bad. I don’t care who you are you just never get used to anything bad happening to anyone especially over and over. I guess my calling to help counsel people on is divorce, anger and suicide. Sometimes in that order all at once. Since I attempted suicide in 2011 I understand it and how somebody gets there. The worst part and every time it brings up the feelings I felt that August day. I was hopeless, felt that the world was better without me, my kids didn’t need me and that I was unlovable which I seemed to prove daily. Now that I’m a here I get sick when I hear about suicide. Not only for the person but the wreckage it leaves behind. Nobody ever becomes normal again especially the kids. It never makes sense unless you’re the one trying to kill yourself. Reason, and rational thought is gone. Its like the mind switched off and it’s not coming back on.

Yesterday through Facebook I got a message and honestly it shocked me. I pulled over and cried. My friend had just moved for a great opportunity for his wife  and he was going back to coaching. Last time I saw him he seemed like the same guy.  Happy about the opportunity and I just wouldn’t have thought it but……. He hung himself in a tree, his teenage son had to cut him down, and honestly his wife had no clue either. His son never gets the image out of his mind, the wife blames herself, and the other kids are left with a whole that only God and mean only God can heal. Thats 8 people this year that I was close to that had died of suicide. Then I made a Facebook just reminding them how much their loved. People think you wake up and say today  Im going to kill myself!! Thats not true at all, it takes time and hopelessness. It took me 2.5 months to make the decision. The pain that someone carried is absolutely earth shattering if you get to talk to someone who lived through it. After I made the announcement on my FB page three people reached out to me saying they were thinking about it and 4 other people said that they had friends in the past two weeks that had killed themselves. Last night before I closed my eyes I did some research! 22 % of all veterans are killing themselves and the suicide rate of Americans is up  57% for the past 2 years. Who knows if that stats are correct because stats are made up on the spot, but this is true people are  killing themselves at an  alarming rate.

Satan is real my friends and he is kicking a lot of butt now. More people are turning away from God and I have no other answer but God. The only reason I can hit these keys on the is keyboard is because of God. In a time where humans need each other more than ever we isolate more behind, our phone, or computer, when was the last time you just called someone or God forbid went to where they lived and just checked on them. The need to be in community and have a face to face conversation never ended. I think its more important now that ever. Do you remember the last time you had a face to face waked away with a hug and how great that feeling was. I bet when you sent your last text it didn’t feel that way.

Here’s what I know for me: If you have the slightest worry about someone, call them, invite them out, do something. It’s not your job to save anyone I guess but you have no idea the power of your words.

If your thinking about it: I love you, you are loved, you are not your past, you’re not your mistakes, you are a gift and you are needed. I promise you. It doesn’t matter what you thought can’t be fixed it can. Don’t isolate reach out.  If you haven’t prayed Jesus is right next to you. He never left you!

Love you!





Day 937 My life did start over today

20 08 2015

3 years ago today I became a divorced man in the eyes of the state of Texas. It was a day I knew was coming for a while. No matter how prepared you are to walk into the courthouse there is just something different when you walk out. It was a process that started a year earlier and little did I know almost the same time a year later that I would be done with 14 years of my life. In the year trying to “fix” our problems I made more discoveries about myself than I had the other part of my life. I learned who I was, how  fake I was, how I never truly had a walk with God, how I was a good pretend dad, I learned who my friends were and the biggest thing I learned was how to love someone who was unlovable. I would never change that last year of my marriage. The growth in so many areas was amazing, sure it hurt but now I look back it and that year shaped me to the man I’m becoming.

As I sat in the courtroom that morning, my blood pressure was high (my ears were hot), I had that sick feeling in my stomach and I looked out of the corner of my eye to see her again I couldn’t believe we were here. My mind was racing with the thoughts  of years passed and not only the bad things but the good things raced through too. I smiled to myself and I had moments where I wanted to bust out crying. Two cases in front of us and it seemed like it was happening to fast. When the judge called us forward I stopped and asked God to please help me through I could barely stand up and I had that cold sweat on my fore head. Judge asked his questions we both answered and the gavel hits. We walk outside waiting for papers from our attorney and there isn’t a lot to say so it was very silent. The attorney came back and gave us our paperwork. When he walked away my ex  gave me a hug for the first time in 9 months and whispered she was sorry. She then walks away and I sat on the upstairs bench and had tears rolling down my eyes and had a little one on one with God and asked him to let me remember this day and never forget the feeling or emotions I have this moment in time. If I become the man he wants me to be I wont be back here. I sat back down on the bench and like always I saw somebody i knew she gave me a hug and said keep your chin up.

So that’s what I have done since that day. Sure I have struggled because I’m human and that’s just what we do sometimes. My great days outnumber the bad 10-1. I have so many amazing things in my life. I’ve learned to count the good and  know when I blow it that if God grants me the opportunity to wake up tomorrow it’s going to be better if I choose it to be. I’m so proud of where God has put me, I don’t always understand but I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. This day should be sad but for me its a day of happiness and I’m proud of where I’m at. You don’t always get a second chance to start it over from Rock bottom but from attempted suicide, divorce, bankruptcy, death of my identity,  lost company, loss of friends, neighbors, house, and just about everything that was important me. Here I am and it is great! I have so many people to thank and I did that today. They know how much I love them and how much they put up with me. The greatest people I know have risen from the ashes, and I can finally include myself in that group of people. If this broken lost soul can do it, so can you. This day is victory for me and thank God he’s not done with me yet.





Day 933 You only live once

17 08 2015

Good morning from San Francisco CA. Going from 100 to 73 degrees is a great reprieve . My buddy Jim and I on a whim decided we want to see some baseball and just picked San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. I missed my first event with Rock Bottom Outreach since I became a part which really bothered me but after talking to me peeps and looking at pictures it was another amazing event.  We went to the game last night and it was the Giants and Nationals. Giants won 12-6 It was the coolest sports experience of my life and I mean that. The atmosphere was electric, everybody was decked out in gear even babies, the food was amazing, theirs not a bad seat in the stadium. The stadium sits right on the pacific ocean its breath-taking to leave your seats and oh look the ocean. San Francisco was in a heat wave yesterday it reached 84 degrees, but the sun goes down and in the middle of the game its 65 with the ocean breeze. I never knew this but everyone was friendly and seemed genuinely happy. Jim and I both are very outgoing and everyone we struck up conversations with spoke back or joked back.

Every year in January we have new years resolutions. I make goals no more than three and really strive to make them work. On the 28th of December another friend Jason got in my grill a bit about living my life. He said I know you have always been guilty about buying yourself things and doing things for yourself but you have to stop. you have paid your penance to life, your friends and family. Who you were and where you were is no more its time to do for you. I really struggled with this a lot. If I do or get anything for myself I feel real guilt. I feel I’m taking from my kids or somebody else I could help. I really went to God and Brian in my counseling sessions about this. All I heard over and over is that I did not make this world for you not to experience it. There are so many beautiful things in my own backyard that I hadn’t done. If I was free spending money and not taking care of responsibilities that’s one thing but I’m not. I truly believe that God did not make us to wake up at 5am to go to work to get home and at night go to bed at 10 and do it all over again and not live any life. Routine is a life killer, and that has been proven time and time again. Living life is giving back to others, experiencing mountains, a beach, or just the open road. I have 4 friends that today have never seen a beach and for me that’s sad. God made beautiful things not only just because but that’s what life is about is experiences and memories. I have done some really cool servant work, seen some great concerts, went to some cool hole in the wall places, drove on the open road and in all of that God seemed more alive and well in me than when I’m just in my normal routine.

My favorite line from my favorite movie is from Shawshank Redemption, Get busy living or get busy dying! Im learning to live I’m not great at it but I’m trying. One day I will have someone to share that with me and that’s just the next piece of the puzzle. Until then were going to see Alcatraz which is ironic because a few times in my life I thought man I might be in their if my anger doesn’t change. Lucky for  me Alcatraz is closed and so it that part of my life.





Day 933 You only live once

16 08 2015

Good morning from San Francisco CA. Going from 100 to 73 degrees is a great reprieve . My buddy Jim and I on a whim decided we want to see some baseball and just picked San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. I missed my first event with Rock Bottom Outreach since I became a part which really bothered me but after talking to me peeps and looking at pictures it was another amazing event.  We went to the game last night and it was the Giants and Nationals. Giants won 12-6 It was the coolest sports experience of my life and I mean that. The atmosphere was electric, everybody was decked out in gear even babies, the food was amazing, theirs not a bad seat in the stadium. The stadium sits right on the pacific ocean its breath-taking to leave your seats and oh look the ocean. San Francisco was in a heat wave yesterday it reached 84 degrees, but the sun goes down and in the middle of the game its 65 with the ocean breeze. I never knew this but everyone was friendly and seemed genuinely happy. Jim and I both are very outgoing and everyone we struck up conversations with spoke back or joked back.

Every year in January we have new years resolutions. I make goals no more than three and really strive to make them work. On the 28th of December another friend Jason got in my grill a bit about living my life. He said I know you have always been guilty about buying yourself things and doing things for yourself but you have to stop. you have paid your penance to life, your friends and family. Who you were and where you were is no more its time to do for you. I really struggled with this a lot. If I do or get anything for myself I feel real guilt. I feel I’m taking from my kids or somebody else I could help. I really went to God and Brian in my counseling sessions about this. All I heard over and over is that I did not make this world for you not to experience it. There are so many beautiful things in my own backyard that I hadn’t done. If I was free spending money and not taking care of responsibilities that’s one thing but I’m not. I truly believe that God did not make us to wake up at 5am to go to work to get home and at night go to bed at 10 and do it all over again and not live any life. Routine is a life killer, and that has been proven time and time again. Living life is giving back to others, experiencing mountains, a beach, or just the open road. I have 4 friends that today have never seen a beach and for me that’s sad. God made beautiful things not only just because but that’s what life is about is experiences and memories. I have done some really cool servant work, seen some great concerts, went to some cool hole in the wall places, drove on the open road and in all of that God seemed more alive and well in me than when I’m just in my normal routine.

My favorite line from my favorite movie is from Shawshank Redemption, Get busy living or get busy dying! Im learning to live I’m not great at it but I’m trying. One day I will have someone to share that with me and that’s just the next piece of the puzzle. Until then were going to see Alcatraz which is ironic because a few times in my life I thought man I might be in their if my anger doesn’t change. Lucky for  me Alcatraz is closed and so it that part of my life.








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