Day 753 Im not afraid to die

18 02 2015

I made the best pot roast ever last night in the Crock Pot. If they gave out the reward for single fathers who can crock pot cook Im hands down the best. I would be famous and be on the cooking channel and have my own show called single, bald and full of crock!! Pretty catchy I know. Honestly though I’m a great cook. The end.

I love how people  open up to me. I had a conversation yesterday it was very generic at first then he asked me about how I’m so happy after divorce. I said well I’m not always happy but I’m very content in the direction of my life and the biggest thing is I’m not co-Dependent anymore. I explained co- dependency and then out of no where he said do you want to die? I said good Lord no I don’t I want to die! He said so your afraid to die? I said do you understand the difference between the two? He looked at me puzzled so I explained.

I only wanted to die once in my life  it was a rock bottom and almost in the most selfish way decided to take my life. Where I am now its the last thing I would ever want to  happen. My kids need me and want me, I have a true relationship with God and Im changing lives. I have a purpose and I know I’m loved. I never want my mom to have to bury me, I want to see where and how my sister and nephew lives go. I have some of the best friends in  my life that I want to enjoy it with. So no I do want to die it never crosses my mind but Im also Im not afraid to die.

I have seen and held death twice in my arms. Once a car wreck victim, the other a friend got shot and died on the spot. I should have died twice I was stupid and put myself in two horrible situations and in every case I was afraid to die. I prayed to God please don’t take me I have more to do. You see I thought I was in control and I was telling God what he needed to do. Im sure he just slapped his forehead and shook his head and said you really don’t get it. Im in control and I decided remember Im God not you. If you fast forward to right now!

Im not afraid to die I don’t want to die but if it happens I know this: I have made amends to all of those I have wronged, I m not about me Im about helping others and changing their life if they want it. I have given my children the foundation they need and they know I love them more than anything and I would give my life for them in a snap of a finger, My mother can be proud of the man she raised, my sister and nephew know I have and will love them and given my heart and soul to my family. Those that interact with me know that he is a loving and giving soul and I believe most not all would have encouraging words about me. Finally My God knows me and my heart. Sure I screw up and do things wrong but I wont have to get to the gates and hear what in the name of me were you doing!!  The guy looked at me and said I definitely understand now and I have a lot of work to do because I’m scared sh%tless to die. He asked me to help him get there. So I will do my best.

I m not afraid of death anymore but I don’t want to die either. I hope I’m 80 and still blogging or whatever its called then but if not I’m okay with that too. Walk on my Good and faithful son.

Day 54 What if

15 10 2012

I had an amazing weekend. The kids and I went to the State Fair on Friday. Which is the best grease fest in Texas. I had fried oreos which is the worst thing we had to eat. We enjoyed the car and show and I think we got to pet every animal at the fair. Also saw a 1000 lb pig with the biggest testicles I have ever seen in my life. I have no idea why I was looking and I m sorry I even mentioned that. We had soccer and a lot of time together. Last night my mom kept my kids I first went and had mens  group night and about 15 of us celebrated my birthday. It was a really cool evening. I have a new great group of friends. Now if they can just push me to do what I asked them last night we will be that much better off. To Nathan and Chelsea thank you for a great night after everybody else went country dancing.

Today we went Halloween shopping. starting over with buying holiday  decorations kind of sucks but we had fun. Then we came home and hung them all. it almost looks like a home  so yea me/

Also I have a new fascination is women with tattoos I liked a FB page about tattoos.  Man the women are beautiful. I am sure their judged and stereotyped but I learn not to do that you’ll miss out on some awesome people. The tattoo page

What if you could change one thing about your life. I mean just one where you can go back and say if I do this my life would be different in this manner. I m not saying regret I said what would you change. This is something I was asked again this weekend. God gave us free will so we could have had a different out come in life if we changed a 2 second decision.  It doesn’t mean we would have a better life just different. I always here well this is the life we were supposed to have. Not necessarily with free will we changed our lives. Example: I was going to leave the bar 10 minutes before my ex (Amy) arrived there. I was heading home to get some sleep but I decided to stay and finish my drink. What if I would have left where would I be today. I m not saying I would change it just making an example.

My what if would be what if I wouldn’t have answered the phone on August 12 1992. I was ready to take my life that day. I being a teenager thought their was no way out of my personal hell. I wanted this girl to call me forever and I left message s and to no avail she never did. (She was on vacation with her family). I really liked her and I thought she liked me but she didn’t return my calls so I thought again I was ugly and had nothing to offer along with  the other problems I had (read previous blogs). I literally had put the note under my pillow and walked out the door and got in my truck. I had it all planned out. Then my sister comes out side and said the magic words.  Christi is on the phone. I looked at my sister and said Christi the one I wanted to talk to forever. My sis said yes idiot. I started crying and looked up and said I guess I m worth something. I actually told me sister I would call her back and I left. I drove to my place that I got away and sat for at least an hour out thinking about nothing. I then drove to Christi’s house and she answered the door and I hugged her I’m sure she thought the breath was going to leave her and that I was an idiot. I told her one day I would explain and please go on a date with me. She said yes and we had three dates. I did my standard push her away but that’s another blog. So my what if I would have left 30 seconds sooner. I would be dead today. 30 seconds and there are a lot of people’s lives different today.

Love ya pass this along.

Day 20 A good cry anyone

10 09 2012
where to start: The birthday party yesterday was great. It was weird because i think everyone else was uncomfortable but I was very content. My son had a great time and got a lot of presents.  I ate birthday cake which is my food weakness. I m trying to be good but I broke down. We went to the UNT football game which was awesome and we won. I really like the new outfits  that women where now the boots and either skirts or shorts. Not sure when it started but it helped make the boring parts of the game  easier to bear.
My mom and nephew  came up to celebrate my son’s birthday today and went to church with me. Great message at church which I will get into shortly. After church I got my kids from m ex and we went had an awesome pizza at Mellow Mushroom and then went to my place to open presents and eat cake. We had a great time and put my son’s race track together and played. Then my ex came to get them.
My son cried and kicked and screamed that he didn’t want to go . I was so pissed at her at what she had done to our family. I told her what I thought about it to. I made up my mind that everything  I still had at her house I wanted and that she couldn’t ever come back to my place. It was to hard. We will just meet somewhere from this point forward. I went out to get my stuff I have to get away from her and only have to deal with her when its necessary. Lets just say it didn’t go well. I m getting my stuff next Sunday. I left crying and wondered why after the person I ve become why she can still say shit to me that cuts me to the core. Thanks Jim for answering my call and listening.
If you don’t know I m a Christian and have been since I was 7. until about 10 months ago I was a crappy christian. I m not a bible beater by any means. I just know that I tried being a fake Christian for so many years and my life sucked. I knew what to say and if you challenged my I could answer all your questions. What I was doing behind the scenes what ridiculous and I was also one of those condemning Christians. It mad me feel better about the crap I was doing. I heard a message today at church that helped me realize I m going down the right path. If your a non-christian just listen because I would here your side. You don’t have to agree just keep an open mind you never know when the truth  will set you free.
I never had heard our church so quiet today. It was really eery . Real life changes begin with Jesus. I knew that but I never changed until I started living that way. Jesus is the ONLY one that can lead us to our destination he is the only one the makes the inside whole again. He is the only one that can restore, heal and redeem. Please listen to me on this I was a piece of shit honestly. The things I said, the thoughts i had . I know I m being hard on myself but I really needed a change. I threw away my best friend and said things to  my ex that you wouldn’t say to road kill. If Jesus can heal this man he can heal and make whole anyone. Now I m a work in progress but the key word there is progress. I never allowed that. I didn’t want to live this life anymore. My whole life had crumbled around me and I still tried to fix it my way. Jesus can make the impossible possible. He did that. I wanted to die and hoped for it everyday he opened my eyes to the greatness in life. The people reading this the people that I judged and the ones that threw me to the curb. The biggest thing that he did is I no longer am defined by my failures. I thought I was the biggest failure ever. ( Shitty, son, friend, business owner, dad, christian, husband, athlete I was embarrassed to walk into a church) I know now failure is not who I am but with it I learn and grow.
The final question at church today was What am I willing to do to get people in front of Christ. I started today if anyone wants to get out of the crap you can do it. Mondays are actually good in my life now. Love you all!

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