Day 731 Drunk enough to feel

28 01 2015

80 Degrees in Texas in January. Yep its the joys of being a Texan. Saturday we will need a coat but today sun tan lotion. The top of my head looks better with a tan anyway.

I don’t drink a lot anymore. I might drink twice a month. I’m pretty comfortable with who I am and don’t need to escape or have liquid courage to accomplish a night of fun but.. Saturday night was a different story. I went  to my aunts wedding reception and saw family I hadn’t seen in a while. I wasn’t going to go but my mom asked and I wanted to support my aunt. I kept looking at my watch  hoping the time would pass quicker but like all time it doesn’t pass when you want it to. I couldn’t stand the questions of when are you going to have a girlfriend, do you want to get remarried, just the long list of questions you get when you older and single.

I went and hung out with one of my buddies and had about a 45 minute drive there. I have demons and I kick their ass most days. The one demon that gets me the most is loneliness. AS I made the drive my mind wander over to the wrong lane and started feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to escape my mind for a bit but didn’t know what to do. I meet up with my buddy in this hole in the place. I enjoyed his company but my mind wouldn’t stop. Two drinks lead to 2 shots and you know how it goes. In my past i could get drunk enough not to feel anything which is where I was going I hoped. This time though I only got to the point I could feel things I didn’t want to. I felt my loneliness, my fear and my lack of faith in God in many things. I wanted for just a little while to get my mind to stop because I didn’t believe God could do it for me at that time.

I’m sure you’re wondering why is he telling us this! I’m not going to apologize  for being human but I am sorry for not following my own advice. People always say man you got it together. Sure if you want to believe that you can but Im just like you. I just have different convictions  than before so I can bounce back a little quicker. If you take your focus on God, isolate yourself and believe you can figure it all out you could be in a horrible place that you thought left a long time ago. I made it home but before I did I stopped on a pretty dark empty place on 35 in Ponder Texas got out of the car and screamed at the top of my lungs. Ironic thing its the same place when I was 20 years old I woke up so drunk I busted through the fence and had passed out. After screaming like I was in a Hollywood horror flick I need to remember that spot from almost 20 years earlier and thanked God for bringing me to where I was now. It’s funny how if you need a reminder God can always show you something you don’t want but need to see.

I write this for me to go back read and remember but for you too. You are okay and you’re not alone.You are not your past, the feelings you have do not justify you and if you fall of the horse get back up. Love you!





Day 731 Drunk enough to feel

27 01 2015

80 Degrees in Texas in January. Yep its the joys of being a Texan. Saturday we will need a coat but today sun tan lotion. The top of my head looks better with a tan anyway.

I don’t drink a lot anymore. I might drink twice a month. I’m pretty comfortable with who I am and don’t need to escape or have liquid courage to accomplish a night of fun but.. Saturday night was a different story. I went  to my aunts wedding reception and saw family I hadn’t seen in a while. I wasn’t going to go but my mom asked and I wanted to support my aunt. I kept looking at my watch  hoping the time would pass quicker but like all time it doesn’t pass when you want it to. I couldn’t stand the questions of when are you going to have a girlfriend, do you want to get remarried, just the long list of questions you get when you older and single.

I went and hung out with one of my buddies and had about a 45 minute drive there. I have demons and I kick their ass most days. The one demon that gets me the most is loneliness. AS I made the drive my mind wander over to the wrong lane and started feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to escape my mind for a bit but didn’t know what to do. I meet up with my buddy in this hole in the place. I enjoyed his company but my mind wouldn’t stop. Two drinks lead to 2 shots and you know how it goes. In my past i could get drunk enough not to feel anything which is where I was going I hoped. This time though I only got to the point I could feel things I didn’t want to. I felt my loneliness, my fear and my lack of faith in God in many things. I wanted for just a little while to get my mind to stop because I didn’t believe God could do it for me at that time.

I’m sure you’re wondering why is he telling us this! I’m not going to apologize  for being human but I am sorry for not following my own advice. People always say man you got it together. Sure if you want to believe that you can but Im just like you. I just have different convictions  than before so I can bounce back a little quicker. If you take your focus on God, isolate yourself and believe you can figure it all out you could be in a horrible place that you thought left a long time ago. I made it home but before I did I stopped on a pretty dark empty place on 35 in Ponder Texas got out of the car and screamed at the top of my lungs. Ironic thing its the same place when I was 20 years old I woke up so drunk I busted through the fence and had passed out. After screaming like I was in a Hollywood horror flick I need to remember that spot from almost 20 years earlier and thanked God for bringing me to where I was now. It’s funny how if you need a reminder God can always show you something you don’t want but need to see.

I write this for me to go back read and remember but for you too. You are okay and you’re not alone.You are not your past, the feelings you have do not justify you and if you fall of the horse get back up. Love you!





Day 729 My crockpot life

26 01 2015

Rock Bottom Outreach one of the best things that has happened to me.  To see so many broken people glue the pieces back and give so much of them of  themselves. The only place I feel normal is with this group of truly not normal but amazing people. We got to volunteer twice this weekend. Give to the homeless again today. We gave out over 300 sleeping bags the last two weeks and today over 100 meals.  Just amazing because we have up given up ourselves for others and we get the benefit of it.

Being a single parent you want to cook homemade meals. There is not time sometimes no matter how much planning was done. The one thing you can always count on is the crock pot to save your bottom when you know time is limited. Sure you could microwave something but come on really.

The microwave, cooks the edges but the middle is cold, or it never cooks anything. It can explode in the microwave causing a mess you don’t want to clean up or it can burn your popcorn. So what the point my life used to a be the microwave. I burned so much of my life relationships, friends, ideas, church, sometimes I cooked the edges but the middle was cold. That was me I looked great from the outside but inside I was cold and dead. Every time I microwaved my life I made it explode and the cleanup was too much. So I just left it there hoping someone else would come clean up my mess. I set the timer for God to hurry up and the timer never went off when I wanted it to.

My life is a crock pot now. Doesn’t mean I don’t try to microwave my  life at times but when I do. I over cook, under cook or it explodes in my face. Since I try to and believe me I fail often,  I still am using the crock pot of life. As long as I plug it and turn it on God is going to do to my life what it should be. Its going to smell good and be amazing at the end of it. God doesn’t see time and when I quit trying to fast forward my life (microwave it) what should turn out will. Just like the crock pot I can take anything and throw it in the crock pot and it tastes good. You just have to give it time. If you throw everything in the crock put and don’t plug it in or turn it on it wont cook. I still have no idea about many aspects of my life but God has never let me down. Slow and steady  will cook everything to the right degree but only if I let it finish.

So what am I saying: Stop using the microwave it burns, it under cooks, or over cooks and causes things to explode. Choose God ,choose life, chose the crock pot. I’m not done yet but man am I glad to have my life where it’s supposed to be and not where I choose it.





Day 729 My crockpot life

25 01 2015

Rock Bottom Outreach one of the best things that has happened to me.  To see so many broken people glue the pieces back and give so much of them of  themselves. The only place I feel normal is with this group of truly not normal but amazing people. We got to volunteer twice this weekend. Give to the homeless again today. We gave out over 300 sleeping bags the last two weeks and today over 100 meals.  Just amazing because we have up given up ourselves for others and we get the benefit of it.

Being a single parent you want to cook homemade meals. There is not time sometimes no matter how much planning was done. The one thing you can always count on is the crock pot to save your bottom when you know time is limited. Sure you could microwave something but come on really.

The microwave, cooks the edges but the middle is cold, or it never cooks anything. It can explode in the microwave causing a mess you don’t want to clean up or it can burn your popcorn. So what the point my life used to a be the microwave. I burned so much of my life relationships, friends, ideas, church, sometimes I cooked the edges but the middle was cold. That was me I looked great from the outside but inside I was cold and dead. Every time I microwaved my life I made it explode and the cleanup was too much. So I just left it there hoping someone else would come clean up my mess. I set the timer for God to hurry up and the timer never went off when I wanted it to.

My life is a crock pot now. Doesn’t mean I don’t try to microwave my  life at times but when I do. I over cook, under cook or it explodes in my face. Since I try to and believe me I fail often,  I still am using the crock pot of life. As long as I plug it and turn it on God is going to do to my life what it should be. Its going to smell good and be amazing at the end of it. God doesn’t see time and when I quit trying to fast forward my life (microwave it) what should turn out will. Just like the crock pot I can take anything and throw it in the crock pot and it tastes good. You just have to give it time. If you throw everything in the crock put and don’t plug it in or turn it on it wont cook. I still have no idea about many aspects of my life but God has never let me down. Slow and steady  will cook everything to the right degree but only if I let it finish.

So what am I saying: Stop using the microwave it burns, it under cooks, or over cooks and causes things to explode. Choose God ,choose life, chose the crock pot. I’m not done yet but man am I glad to have my life where it’s supposed to be and not where I choose it.





Day 725 How do you know you’ll be good after divorce

22 01 2015

I’m not sure how you can live in a state your whole life or just move here from another state and your allergies get horrible. My eyes look like I’ve been high for a week. I know people new to the area that have never had an allergy and have sworn to move back away from the Texas allergies. Here’s to it being spring. Visine takes the red out?

I was having a pretty serious conversation with one of my friends today about relationships. He asked how do you know you would even be good in  a relationship after divorce. Well after a few generic reasons like I’m a different man, I’m a good dad, I’m a great lover and more blah blah. The answer came to me like a bright bright light. I wont leave you.

I think that being loyal is one of the best qualities for any person. Sure there are times you must move on from people but loyalty is such a huge key. I could have and should have left my marriage but didn’t. I believed in the vows and I promise I tried everything to fix what was broken. I did want to leave  at times but could never pull the trigger. I had to be an example for my kids and myself. There have been friendships where the other person took and took from me. I stayed and fought through it. I have taken my space or stepped away to get my mind back but I never left!  I am one of those people who you know, If I love you I’m there always and not for what benefits me.

I believe that is one thing that God put in me and I forget that part of me. Trust and loyalty i think is what all relationships can last forever on. Even when you want me to walk away because you think its best because you’re not worthy Im the one there still trying to lift and build you up.  I’m not sure if my next marriage will be successful but I do know this. I will be there for her in every way imaginable because I don’t know any other way. Any friend of  mine that I have knows that I will never leave them. If you were honest is there anything really more  you could ask of someone than  to be loyal and trusting? Here’s to a loyal second marriage.





Day 725 How do you know you’ll be good after divorce

21 01 2015

I’m not sure how you can live in a state your whole life or just move here from another state and your allergies get horrible. My eyes look like I’ve been high for a week. I know people new to the area that have never had an allergy and have sworn to move back away from the Texas allergies. Here’s to it being spring. Visine takes the red out?

I was having a pretty serious conversation with one of my friends today about relationships. He asked how do you know you would even be good in  a relationship after divorce. Well after a few generic reasons like I’m a different man, I’m a good dad, I’m a great lover and more blah blah. The answer came to me like a bright bright light. I wont leave you.

I think that being loyal is one of the best qualities for any person. Sure there are times you must move on from people but loyalty is such a huge key. I could have and should have left my marriage but didn’t. I believed in the vows and I promise I tried everything to fix what was broken. I did want to leave  at times but could never pull the trigger. I had to be an example for my kids and myself. There have been friendships where the other person took and took from me. I stayed and fought through it. I have taken my space or stepped away to get my mind back but I never left!  I am one of those people who you know, If I love you I’m there always and not for what benefits me.

I believe that is one thing that God put in me and I forget that part of me. Trust and loyalty i think is what all relationships can last forever on. Even when you want me to walk away because you think its best because you’re not worthy Im the one there still trying to lift and build you up.  I’m not sure if my next marriage will be successful but I do know this. I will be there for her in every way imaginable because I don’t know any other way. Any friend of  mine that I have knows that I will never leave them. If you were honest is there anything really more  you could ask of someone than  to be loyal and trusting? Here’s to a loyal second marriage.





5 Truths You Have to Accept Before Your Second Marriage

21 01 2015

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

Your Baggage is Your Problem

It’s always nice when someone offers to carry our bags for us. There’s a relief that comes from shifting that burden; a sense of freedom when the weight is lifted. But when it comes to relationships, your baggage is your problem. Whether you have residual anger that flares when provoked, fear of betrayal or abandonment or irrational overreactions from triggers buried in your past, it is up to you to address them.

baggage

No Pining Allowed

It’s natural to miss your ex at times. Perhaps they had traits your new partner lacks or maybe you shared a different connection. Watch those thoughts. If you are yearning for your past, you will miss your present. Whatever was is over. Be where you are.

You Must Perfect the Art of Compromise

Marriages that occur later in life can be more complicated, as two full and separate worlds…

View original post 165 more words








iksperimentalist

a collision of science and comedy

This is My Story, This is My Song.

This is my journey with faith, love, acceptance, redemption through God's incredible grace and mercy!

Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective

I cheated. Yip I did it, I am not proud of it, but that won't change a thing. This is my story of me trying to survive one day at a time. No guarantees....

Sound of Silence

There is a better place than this silence

The Time Lock

photos by amsang

simple Ula

I want to be rich. Rich in love, rich in health, rich in laughter, rich in adventure and rich in knowledge. You?

%d bloggers like this: