Day 1808 You choose your hell

5 06 2018

Hello blog peeps. In the airport people watching getting ready to head to Florida. I should get paid to people watch, what  an awesome sport.

I m trying to find my purpose and slowly I think I am. I want to serve young men and women and give them hope that they can change. We have all been told people don’t change well that’s the biggest line of crap we have ever been fed. If someone tells you that it’s the hardest thing you will ever do that may not be enough to tell someone, you have to show them.

We all have to face our mistakes either out loud in a blog, group, with the ones me hurt or in our own silent hell,  My hell which is still going on is every Friday afternoon when I have dropped off my kids to go to their moms and I have the turn-key hell. Turn key hell= When I get to my house door and I open the door and the no sound, emptiness feeling of my house.  I’m about to walk into without the laughing of my kids, the pushing of my kids, the no cartoons, the i don’t want to eat that, Can I have more, I m bored, I don’t want to brush my teeth and mostly the I love you daddy. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I haven’t got used to that yet. My dog greets me and she looks for the kids and I tell her no Vaida next Friday and she walks over to her bed because she misses them. There is no women to say how was your day, the smell of a women, the we need to do this, can you go do this or a hug or kiss. So I put my bag down in the chair and every time I hope for a different feeling but I have to stop when the door closes behind me take a deep breath and realize this is the hell you created. The great thing is I have the feeling because I will remember it. You can’t make the mistakes that we all do and not expect the to be repercussions. So men if you don’t deal with your crap, ego, your pride, you fear and your left with and empty house don’t blame anyone expect yourself. Man up, there are to many resources for you to have to say at 60 I’m sorry for what I didn’t do, because it can be done. Or keep doing what you’re doing, be separated from your kids, have the hollow empty feeling of loss that can only be stitched up, and go into the empty, quite, lonely hell that you created. It will happen you’re not one of the stats that gets away with it. I can promise that the Friday turn-key hell is worse than any hell she, or your ego supposedly has put you through.

That was it in a nutshell. I don’t want anyone to feel that you can’t change and you cant restore. AS NIKE SAYS: JUST DO IT

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Day 511 When you look around!!

24 06 2014

Well its over! We moved my  mom. It rained 5 inches yesterday while we were moving and needless to say it was a very sad day. The good thing is when something ends, something new begins. We found a treasure chest of thing things from my dads past. It was really cool to see all the things my dad did in his life.

I know nobody likes it but I hate cancer. In the past two weeks 3 people I know have been diagnosed with cancer. You want to do something but all you can do is pray and listen. I only wish that I can be there when I’m needed.

I wrote about this recently but I never knew how hard it would be to leave my childhood home.  Over the past 10 years the house and place had deteriorated to say the least. Wood rot, windows that whistled when the wind blew, leaking, horrible plumbing some electric work and some didn’t. It was my home and no matter what it looked like I still love  it. AS the boxes were being packed and moved into the truck the house started clearing  out more my thoughts change from lets hurry to can we slow this down. The Saturday before 2 of my friends came and helped me clean out our storage barn and all I did was clean that as fast as I could but when they left I went back in and remembered the things my dad taught me in the barn. How to work and clean my fishing gear. We took apart lawn mowers and sometimes it was his place that he could go to get out of the house because he couldn’t drive anymore. Once I moved into the house to start the real packing process I found pictures, and tools, letters, my drawings my sister and I made for my mom. I teared up a few times. My mom did a pretty good job of throwing things away. There were things like the 41-year-old green fridge that she wanted, some pillows, and some dishes that I was like okay are we sure we should eat off of those.

When I left there were just a few things left that my sister was taking care of and even though the house was empty I was looking around and my mind was full. Sure I was sad, but I was also content because I had come to a close that even though some things end there always new beginnings. I hope someone else is able to have the lifetime of memories I have and when I took my final mental picture of that empty house I remembered that house built me and I couldn’t have been more thankful.





Day 511 When you look around!!

23 06 2014

Well its over! We moved my  mom. It rained 5 inches yesterday while we were moving and needless to say it was a very sad day. The good thing is when something ends, something new begins. We found a treasure chest of thing things from my dads past. It was really cool to see all the things my dad did in his life.

I know nobody likes it but I hate cancer. In the past two weeks 3 people I know have been diagnosed with cancer. You want to do something but all you can do is pray and listen. I only wish that I can be there when I’m needed.

I wrote about this recently but I never knew how hard it would be to leave my childhood home.  Over the past 10 years the house and place had deteriorated to say the least. Wood rot, windows that whistled when the wind blew, leaking, horrible plumbing some electric work and some didn’t. It was my home and no matter what it looked like I still love  it. AS the boxes were being packed and moved into the truck the house started clearing  out more my thoughts change from lets hurry to can we slow this down. The Saturday before 2 of my friends came and helped me clean out our storage barn and all I did was clean that as fast as I could but when they left I went back in and remembered the things my dad taught me in the barn. How to work and clean my fishing gear. We took apart lawn mowers and sometimes it was his place that he could go to get out of the house because he couldn’t drive anymore. Once I moved into the house to start the real packing process I found pictures, and tools, letters, my drawings my sister and I made for my mom. I teared up a few times. My mom did a pretty good job of throwing things away. There were things like the 41-year-old green fridge that she wanted, some pillows, and some dishes that I was like okay are we sure we should eat off of those.

When I left there were just a few things left that my sister was taking care of and even though the house was empty I was looking around and my mind was full. Sure I was sad, but I was also content because I had come to a close that even though some things end there always new beginnings. I hope someone else is able to have the lifetime of memories I have and when I took my final mental picture of that empty house I remembered that house built me and I couldn’t have been more thankful.








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