Day 1615 Lets get naked

6 08 2017

First I want to thank you all for reading this blog. It’s so cool that people all over the world can read this. Looking at all the countries I wonder if I weird in foreign countries too.

Second I get a lot what does the day in your title mean. Well in this case 1615 days ago I started a car trip to Virginia by myself. to see one of my closet friends. I prayed and promised myself that my life would change for the better starting that day and would never be the same. So here we are 1615 days later. Its been one hell of a roller coaster but its been a blast.

I hope the title got you to read! I have been the physical naked more times that you want to hear. It was the only way I knew to love for the longest time or feel I was important. I hurt so many women over the years. It wasn’t purposeful just thought being naked meant I was enough. So shirt off,pants off and you liked me.

I hope for most of us with age comes wisdom, if not you hit your rock bottom and I promise you get wiser or you get buried.  I learned that not only does my value not coming from being physically naked but you want someone to love, like, or respect you: LETS GET REALLY NAKED. I hate small talk every bit of it, I could care less what’s up! I’m going to give or get a generic answer anyway so why I ask. The naked I want is the soul bearing, tear filled, biggest smile type of naked, clothes on or off I don’t care. I want to talk about: death, aliens, birthdays cake, what makes you cry, why you became insecure, why you fake it, music, the meaning of life,  the lies you live, your favorite smells, the quirks that nobody knows because you feel you’ll be judged, your childhood, your first crush, why you watch the ceiling fan spin at night, why does asparagus make your pee smell so bad, why you don’t like peanuts but love peanut butter. I want to know your emotions, what your depth is. Why you’re twisted.  I learned not to judge but question. When you know someone who is  feeling that,  that feeling only comes from God. if you know me and say you’re the weirdest person I know but I love your soul. Mission accomplished!

Don’t get me wrong I love the physical naked but learning what it takes to be real makes relationships powerful. I know you can’t get naked with everyone because most wont get it and that’s okay. So to me from you let’s get naked. Real is exposing your soul and not giving a damn! I’m ready for the real naked time!!

Thanks for reading

 





Day 1608 I mean, I just assumed…..

30 07 2017

You smell that outside! That’s football coming back and thank the Lord. It’s almost time to remember back when I was great and tell people and say I could have made that play Haha. Cowboys go to the super bowl for my predication for 41 years in a row.

Even when we tell someone what were thinking and feeling were wrong.  I mean I just assumed that’s what you meant. Really every time we assume we look like an a$$hole. Okay so out of 10 times we get something right 1 time. The reason assuming gets us in such a foot in the mouth situation is we assume based on our past experiences. So how in the world can we assume what someone else, feels, thinks, or acts based on our past. Even if its their past not situation in life is ever the same. I was the worlds worst assumer. I lived a lot of life so I thought I knew. We think because someone is a butthole we know why, I mean maybe their parent beat them everyday so they carry years of pain and suffering. Or that girl that gives herself to every guy we call her a whore but all she’s doing is searching for that one guy to finally love her because her daddy never did. Or why would she date him. Well maybe she fell in love with a real man who loves her and doesn’t use her. Or people assume that someone has it all together but can’t see himself and why. Maybe because he was raised to be a perfectionist, and he felt he failed at everything touched and you don’t just let that mentality go overnight (me). Or why someone quits going to church and believing in God. So we just say how horrible they are without every knowing the real reason.

My God, we are still learning about a significant other years after we marry, but we think we know, when we don’t. Bottom line when we assume we actually coming out looking the worst. I know intentions are usually good but until you ask then don’t run with anything in your head, that leads to running head first into a wall. Even when you think you know just ask. Otherwise you become part of the masses and when you do, take away the m and you become of those (the asses).

I assume you’ll like this blog. Hope you enjoyed!

 





Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.

 





Day 1555 My heart broke but it was about time

28 05 2017

Hello world is it me you’re looking for. Yes Lionel Richie on this Sunday because he was cool and I bond with him.  I have no thing more cool to say so on to the blog.

Have you ever seen or heard of a levee or damn that was about to break or needed to. Yes they need to break  because the only way to fix something is to watch it break open not  patch it. When it breaks open the destruction of many attempted patches and piece mealing is bad but it’s a necessary evil.  it may take years but eventually all things need to be released and new built.

It the past 2.5 years I’ve had 13 people die either who I ministered to, were an important part of my life or the worst one was my mom.  I also lost a relationship that I thought was going to be a marriage, and a few other things I’ll leave alone. You can get pretty jaded to the world and numb. Grief affects everyone differently. It could take years, to start the process, it could start immediately but first and foremost its going to happen. Nobody knows how to deal with their own grief much less yours. So they say something cliché because they are at a loss for words. The intentions are the best but they say they understand even when that can’t. So most people going through grief smile, say thank you and then live in their own personal internal hell when nobody else is around. Men are raised to be tough, hide your emotions, nose to the grind stone even when you know better you still try to be tough. For me I hate others to hurt, I would do anything to take away someone else’s pain even disguise mine like I am okay. Well…..

3 weeks ago after essentially 2.5 of years of pretending to be okay, numb, zombie like some days, angry others that I couldn’t save people or that how dare God take my mom. I smiled but didn’t feel the smile. Some days I hurt like a pain that wouldn’t go away, I would sit in the quite of my house and watch the ceiling fan spin with nothing in my mind, and other times 1000 thoughts every 30 seconds. People would ask, How are you? I would give I’m good, Im fine. What I wanted was someone to hold me, take a high-powered vacuum and suck my heart dry so I could start over but they don’t make that vacuum. I would talk to God, feel good some days others not so much. I would ask him to let me feel again. I know healing and grief is a process no matter how big or small the issue.

So 3 weeks ago I was mowing the yard, listening to music and I was like my God what is going on. I promise I was so weak I let go of the mower and hit my knees but not on purpose. My broken heart, for all the pain of life that either I tried to grieve or hadn’t,poured out on my lawn. I sat down on my butt and cried,  those tears that you wondering is this going to stop. I had so many thoughts cross my mind like those Hollywood moments where pictures flash  thorough so fast its blinding. It started the end of grieving had started. everything I hid, pushed aside, fought at or said wasn’t real spilled onto my shirt.  3 weeks I’ve cried everyday until yesterday. I feel relief but you can not grieve for 2.5 years and expect it to just go away. My heart that had been so broken for so many reasons has started the stitching and my healing is real. With that I hope I can start seeing some of the good things about myself that I miss because of the butt whoop in I put on myself.

Why write this blog: Somebody knows exactly what I feel or felt. They’ve been waiting for years or just moments to start grieving. God didn’t want us to carry this burden but he also knows we have to go through the process to heal not just band-aid the situation. Dont fight the process, it will come, in the mean time a lot can leave your life. When the heart starts breaking let the cut open and let that crap I know for me it was time.

Love you and tank you for reading always





Day 1549 so this is what its come to

22 05 2017

Remember naps, kool aid, recess, playing outside until you were so tired you came in I took a bath passed out and did it again the next day.  What about getting something in the mail,run out to the mailbox but no yet, drinking from a water hose, jumping into a pond just because, or taking your shoes off just because. trying to have fun because it was fun,  not to have fun to compensate to make yourself feel better. Anyway I’m saying being an adult is dumb and we continue to do the same thing.

Let say the stats are correct and 2% of people live they life they want. I’ll be generous and say 10% are living the life they want. So that leaves us the other 90%. Here are the things we celebrate now,

  1. I got to work on time,
  2. They canceled the meeting,
  3. Jeans day,
  4. A catered lunch,
  5. Getting to leave 5 minutes early
  6. Living to get a tax return check that we shouldn’t have paid over tot he government anyway
  7. Getting to eat a meal at home. It used to happen everyday
  8. 2 weeks of vacation to work 50 weeks. Then we dread the end of vacation because how much work we have when we get back
  9. Praying to God that the dr., lawyer or bank stay open past 5 so you can get business done so you don’t have to do everything Saturday.
  10. That someone will celebrate your birthday
  11. You go to the mailbox hoping its empty
  12. That somebody would do their laundry
  13. Can we order pizza because I don’t give a crap about anybody eating
  14. Someone body I cared about texted me but I haven’t heard their voice in 2 years
  15.  I worked to retirement YAY, now my health sucks so bad I can’t enjoy it
  16. We get 2 breaks a day to go to the bathroom
  17. Somebody waved at me. Do they like me. It used to mean people were friendly.
  18. You have to be sick to feel like you can stay in bed
  19. Someone pays you a compliment.
  20. I paid my bills for the month yes, oh crap its time to start paying them again.

 

I could go on but how freaking sad is it that life has become this. Routine is a killer of the soul. Why have we accepted this. It’s not God’s plan. ts not our plan but we stick ourselves in the butt with it and wonder why it hurts. It’s just dub, we stopped having fun, or our fun is were going to drink until we don’t remember, because Hangovers are a blast.

My boss is a dumb arse and if you don’t think you’re a dumb arse you are the boss. We live this life to get to a point to enjoy it then our health fades,  our love dies, kids move on forget about us until were dying.

Im not trying to be a pessimist but I’m sick of people not living.  Take them damn trip,  eat the food you shouldn’t , if your job sucks find another one, if you want a dog buy one. Just live because if you were giving a month to live you would start but its to late.

Oh but Tyler I don’t what to do. Okay good stop doing this stupid crap I listed that’s a good start. The only person going to make your life better is you. I mean nobody else will. Don’t blame, just do it.





Day 1523 Who are you when the door closes

26 04 2017

It was 76 degrees at 9:00 am this morning. At 12:00 it was 61 and now its 52 with a low of 45. Friday it will 90. I can’t change my underwear as fast at the weather changes in the beautiful state of Texas.  If you’ve never been to Texas make sure to get some BBQ and Mexican food it may give you gas but its worth it I promise!

I hate surprises when it comes to people. I would rather you be yourself from jump than pretend to be someone you’re not. I would never ask you to be like me and just put yourself out there from the get go. If you know me I’ll say just about anything, I volunteer information you probably didn’t want to know, I’ll let you know my faults, Ill tell a joke that might cause you to gasp, if the moment calls to cry with you I can and will, if you need me to defend you, I might lose my crap and get angry. I’ve been told and asked do you try to scare people away  before they get to know you? No I just want you to get to know me sooner than later. If you don’t like me you can move on and not waste time or say this is someone I want in my life forever. I want real! In any friendship or relationship there’s always a probationary period 1 month to 9 months. You kind of get a pass but we are who we are. What do you think is going to happen when people see the real you? I mean really think  about it if you become the bride or groom of chucky after 6 months do you think your relationship is going to flourish.

I have friends right now that long relationships are ending for the following, they were a drinker and hid it, one guy had kids that he never said anything about, another a porn addiction, one she sniffs markers when her kids go got school and passes out but gets up in enough time to still be mom and get the house ready. Another had an anger problem and she never knew he had until the first time she questioned him.  When you go home and close the door who knows that person.

Do you allow people to see the real you or do you put on a show? Do you exhaust yourself so much trying to prove you’re a great Christian, or mom, dad, friend but when you get home all hell breaks loose. The door closes behind you and your Halloween costume comes on. Being real is rare. I don’t have many friends, lots of people who claim to be friend but I have heard you are like nobody I’ve ever met. I always say thank you I wear that proudly. I tried to be a famous actor, and put my Halloween costume  on for people. It drove me to the point to try to take my life. I hope never again. I want you to like me but if you don’t its okay too. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I might be the best cup of tea you’ve had.

PS: Your closet door is open:)

 





Day 1507 Teach me how to live again.

9 04 2017

Happy April. One of the busiest months around. WE had NASCAR, baseball, Hockey, minor league baseball, basketball, 3 different festivals around DFW this weekend. It’s a great place to live and you can’t be bored but my Lord a ton of people live here now. There’s traffic everywhere I mean everywhere. Good thing I m sneaky and I know things and people so I can sneak around!

The life of a rock bottom person is a great story. Rising from the ashes, changing your story, ending curses, learning that there is the courage to keep going. You remember all the things that broke you, the moments where you look around and say I’m not worth it for some us the moment you write a letter saying I’m sorry but its time for me to live this world.  From those things you give hope, you love people, show people a new reality you show perseverance  when there wasn’t any.

I can only speak for me on this and my rock bottom story but I need someone to help me to live again. I hope for me its the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I’m sure some of you are asking what do you mean Tyler. I’m not sure I can put it in words but I’ll try. She has to be a strong-willed person, because I am. When my demons show themselves can either lift me up or smack me which ever one I need. Rock bottom people know relapse, we know when we feel God disappeared, (which he doesn’t) we know when we don’t feel worthy, or when we questions the comfortable pain we lived with so long. My book is almost finished said that now for 2.5 years someone who will say what are you doing. I want to read it, others will too. You have to start giving yourself credit Tyler. Someone that helps you believe in yourself when you have those moments you don’t Or when you find the courage and those are showing themselves that push you to get to the end.  She’s willing to take a chance because she believes in you enough and even if you fail, you didn’t fail you learned. That’s okay living on a thought like let’s go to California. Sometimes living life doesn’t have to make sense you just live it.

AS you get older you know outcomes better, when you screwed up so many things you play it safe. Safe sucks but you know the outcome if you do something not safe. So you live in a safe bubble trying not to recreate the mess you made. That’s not living. I’m not talking about drinking or drugging. I’m talking about seeing things you haven’t or doing things out of your comfort zone. She would take me by the hand and say I want to show you something. Your eyes open to the magic and beauty of the world you haven’t seen. It may sound like Hollywood but who cares. A lot of things in Hollywood are based on a true story and they make great movies.

She helps me focus, she’s optimistic, she shows a new reality.  The killer of life is routine, she’s okay breaking routine.  I know happiness and joy are internal works. I truly understand that and I need to find my joy again. I need help, I need someone to enhance me and see me faults and all as the great man I am.

My dad told me once that my mom made him see things that he just couldn’t. That she would believe when he wouldn’t that when he had an idea she supported him more than he supported himself.

If I died tomorrow and around me were all my hopes, dreams. I would have to apologize to them. My fears and doubts could pat me on the head say good try. I need that person that is  a dream catcher and a hope provider and loves me crap and all. If I’m asking too much then I’ll continue on my journey by myself because I want to live and one way or another I’m getting there.

Get busy living or get busy dying!








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