Day 1891 Please don’t kill yourself

13 08 2018

Meet the teacher tonight. I have a jr. in high school and a 4th grader. My Lord time is passing faster and faster everyday as I get older.  Here’s to a great year for all of you!

I was sent a video today by one of my friends. It’s by Clayton Jennings called Stop, Please don’t kill yourself. Theres a tad of irony in that fact that is the month 7 years ago that I was ready to go. The noise in my head was loud, the pain that I felt in every step, in every fake situation I played up. I told goodbye in my silence knowing I wouldn’t see them again even though they had no clue this was the last time they would see me.

Depression was like a bag of Oreos for me. I could eat line after line with no thought. I could only think of the skin i was saving, the people who could breathe easier knowing that I wasn’t there. My kids that didn’t need this broken, failure of a man. I cried more those 2 weeks before the day came. Tears of joy for others and tears that I couldn’t believe the failure I allowed, the brokenness that started as I came out of the womb. I remember a primal scream  I let out in my car that I’m surprised didn’t shatter my windows. Suicide was my only way!

If I could tell you anything I would tell you its a season of life. Your damn right it hurts, probably the worst feeling you have ever had. If you choose to walk with the devil you will hold his hand. His whispers are loud and believable but you ave to yell out I mean really yell out tell the devil to leave you. You want to talk about courage fight the devil when he is partying in your head. That is courage but you cant do it alone! I believe in God! He never said it was going to be easy. I thought being a Christian was supposed to be easy but when I didn’t understand I blamed God and said you fix it or I end it.

God rose up and he grabbed my hand and said I know you ready so come on. I fought some days and others I just gave in because I was tired not physically but in life. So I stood up but if you believe this is easy you are delusional. You see what I allow you to see, you don’t see this heart or these tears. I spend a lot of time by myself. I do know if I dance with the devil i lose. So I beg you just today stand up. don’t worry about tomorrow. Deep inside your soul the best is there. You just forgot it. reach out, ask for someone to just hold you, ask them to just shut up and listen.

I’ve never known one person that took their life that made this world a better place. You were wanted, needed and so missed. God will see you through it. It might be  category 6 hurricane in your life but please don’t take your life. I love you even if I dont know you. I never want one person to sit in their car on a hill yelling, crying with snot bubbles praying that this death goes slow because thats what I deserved. so I’m here!

Stop please don’t kill yourself!

 

 

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Day 1876 when I love I will wait

29 07 2018

Happy Sunday morning. Hope you can enjoy this day and not dread that Monday is coming. I actually wrote this last night but wanted to read over it this morning before I posted it.

My mom was quiet possibly one of the best people to ever walk this planet. She may not go down as Mother Teresa but those that knew her would agree. Besides what she did for everyone else she loved her family and never gave up on anyone. She was always had your back. You may get an earful from her but she never turned her back on you. She loved with someone thing I still never witnessed again. She was truly an unconditional lover of people. She definitely loved me through some of my darkest and most embarrassing times. Some how I always knew she loved me. I’m sure my sister would agree. Where she would earned Sainthood in my opinion is how she loved my dad. My dad had a past he carried into his marriage with our mom and he punished her for years for something that some other woman did to him. She loved him no matter what. I remember at times telling her its okay to leave him and divorce him. My sister and I are okay with it. My mom said: It said until death do us part. Well my mom got the crap end of the stick for sure. she did love him and do everything to him. My dad couldn’t even wipe himself on  his death-bed and there she was, working, taking care of him every step of the way oh and still be mom and angel to everyone else. So it’s a blessing and a curse. I believe that there are times a divorce is necessary. We can argue that later but there truly is. So fast forward to me.

Watching my mom, listening to her wisdom, I have never left a long-term relationship, I try to love until I have no more to give out. I will never fault the ones that have left me, it hurt because I wouldn’t do it to them but they had their reasons. Lord no knows I have a laundry list of faults but I assure you my good is better than my bad. I’m worth it. My mom raised me to be what every woman would want but.. I carry my own garbage too and for some it was too much.

July of last year I met a girl and fell head over heels for her. She is to this point in my life the best person I have ever dated. She got me, she never tried to change me, she might look and roll her eyes but just kept going. She loved my kids which is so big for me. Your good to them you got me.  My humor she laughed at, she was playful back, was competitive,  wouldn’t  let me settle. She had one of the most horrific life events happen to her. It was truly heartbreaking on so many levels. It brought me to my knees and I could never imagine in a 10 lifetimes her pain. So life happened I’m not going to get into details but things stopped. Not sure wth happened its a blur. So much in a short time period, but here I am. I’m waiting, it’s the hardest thing I’ve done in my life besides bury my parents. My mom echos in my head, love is never giving up, Im sure if you knew the story you would say what are you doing leave. You don’t know her but also you don’t me. When I tell you I love you it’s not words, or memes or just a text. its 34 years of watching my mother love a man who didn’t deserve it but right before he died he poured what life he had left into my mom so she at least knew. I don’t give up because I know what its like for every single woman in my life to leave me. I know its hard but not leaving is so worth it.

I truly don’t know the outcome of my waiting is going to turn out to be, I could get left again,  I could be shattered into more pieces, but I know love and everyone deserves to show them at least once in their life what God meant by unconditional love. It’s not about me no matter how bad my heart hurts I’m strong enough to handle it. So i wait and i will see.

 





Day 1828 I dont need you but want…

25 06 2018

Welcome to the season of we Texans call hell. Its hot but not just hot, your skin stings. BO is a 3 minute monster, some people’s legs chap, beads of sweat are your friends, and the smell of bacon cooking off of a bald men’s head is a pleasant smell. Well anyway come to Texas you eventuality tan to a some color other than red.

I was actually asked to write by 3 people they missed me. It’s not that I don’t want to just sometimes there’s so much it feels like theirs nothing. but here I go.

In counseling I used the word I need a lot. I need this person, i need this job, this house. Over a period of time I got straightened out fairly well. We as humans need only these things. Three basic needs of humans are drinkable water, nourishing food and adequate sleep, according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The ability to breathe is also necessary for humans.

So there you have it blog is over.. No wait, I get really tired of hearing I need her or him. If that was true the moment they left we would die, or how did we make it all of those years without them. (Tyler come on your being dramatic). I understand the feeling of need but there is no need to want anybody. Now when you want the other person you have got something magical. Wanting someone allows you to do more for them. If you need them you expect them to do things they can’t or wont. Wanting holds no expectation and when you get it you feel overjoyed, blessed and lucky to have them. rather than I must have them, they need to do this for me. Do we all need love and respect yes but we can discuss that another time too.

Here’s what this means for me. I can never be a mom and a woman can’t be a dad. What I can do is be the best man I can possibly be in my life. I cannot perform the function of a woman so when the one comes into my life I will appreciate her so much more. I can do whatever is needed to provide to my kids, I can love them, I can love others, I can change my part of the world, I can do and be better always. If a woman never shows up in my life for whatever reason and decides to stay I will still be the amazing man that I am with or without one. I don’t need her to live. BUT if I find the woman I want i will experience love like I pictured in my head, my heart will be full, my family will be complete again. I will have a true partner that i always wanted. My problem is I thought I need a woman to be whole, be a better man, love my  kids more, help change the world. Truth is I needed me to be the person i was designed to be.

This might be a completely foreign concept- need vs want. You want to be successful in a relationship find the things you want and you work on you being what you need for yourself. Stop making people out to be a need. What happens when they leave or die. Then you die? No you hope the one your with mourns, misses you but can pickup and continue to want whats missing but can live because they now the basic needs.

I always appreciate you reading and WANT you to continue.  Peace out peeps





Day 1808 You choose your hell

5 06 2018

Hello blog peeps. In the airport people watching getting ready to head to Florida. I should get paid to people watch, what  an awesome sport.

I m trying to find my purpose and slowly I think I am. I want to serve young men and women and give them hope that they can change. We have all been told people don’t change well that’s the biggest line of crap we have ever been fed. If someone tells you that it’s the hardest thing you will ever do that may not be enough to tell someone, you have to show them.

We all have to face our mistakes either out loud in a blog, group, with the ones me hurt or in our own silent hell,  My hell which is still going on is every Friday afternoon when I have dropped off my kids to go to their moms and I have the turn-key hell. Turn key hell= When I get to my house door and I open the door and the no sound, emptiness feeling of my house.  I’m about to walk into without the laughing of my kids, the pushing of my kids, the no cartoons, the i don’t want to eat that, Can I have more, I m bored, I don’t want to brush my teeth and mostly the I love you daddy. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I haven’t got used to that yet. My dog greets me and she looks for the kids and I tell her no Vaida next Friday and she walks over to her bed because she misses them. There is no women to say how was your day, the smell of a women, the we need to do this, can you go do this or a hug or kiss. So I put my bag down in the chair and every time I hope for a different feeling but I have to stop when the door closes behind me take a deep breath and realize this is the hell you created. The great thing is I have the feeling because I will remember it. You can’t make the mistakes that we all do and not expect the to be repercussions. So men if you don’t deal with your crap, ego, your pride, you fear and your left with and empty house don’t blame anyone expect yourself. Man up, there are to many resources for you to have to say at 60 I’m sorry for what I didn’t do, because it can be done. Or keep doing what you’re doing, be separated from your kids, have the hollow empty feeling of loss that can only be stitched up, and go into the empty, quite, lonely hell that you created. It will happen you’re not one of the stats that gets away with it. I can promise that the Friday turn-key hell is worse than any hell she, or your ego supposedly has put you through.

That was it in a nutshell. I don’t want anyone to feel that you can’t change and you cant restore. AS NIKE SAYS: JUST DO IT





Day 1871 is the past the past

30 04 2018

Another week and another day getting Balder. Man the patch on my head if I let me hair grow just a little bit looks like i have mange.  Also the fact next week my daughter will be 16 I’m officially getting more seasoned. I don’t use the word old.

The past is the past or is it? I believe it is. What I did in my past will never change. I’m sorry, and wish more than anything I could change the pain i caused people, the people I stepped on to get what I wanted, the conditions I put on people that I wouldn’t follow, the relationships I wrecked because of fear, or the men I hurt because honestly it made me feel better.  I paid my penance and some days I relieve it. I will never forget what happened or what I did but I’m taking my past to help change people’s lives. I never thought one day I’m going to take this crappy relationship or whatever and help change people lives. I wish you could have been with me when my life started the tumble that I  saw coming (at that point it was too late). Would I blow my brains out, try to drown slowly, have a car crash, or just ove dose. I get it and I was alone during my walk by my choice. People who struggle with anger, self-worth, addictions, sex, manipulation. Why do i do this because people harbor their past and live in it. Living in the past will kill you one way or another. I want to help the people who want to learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. We’re a rare bird but we attract other rare birds which is one cool flock.

If you’re a person that constantly reminds people of their past, or you can’t forgive them of their past especially when trying to get better! You’re the one with the problem. Get out of the relationship. You need help. Don’t crush someone else because you can’t deal with yourself.

The past is the past and if you hold that against someone you need to be someone else’s past. People can never change if you continue to slap them with things that can’t be changed. Yes you can mend fences but what caused the fence to fall wont be forgotten. Its our job to look past the past and try to help that person move forward, if you cant, please step away, remember grace is a 2 way street

God died on the cross to forgive our sins from tomorrow, today, and yesterday. So stop playing God people, it is finished, let it go. He died for everyone, not the ones you can’t forgive. Dont try drinking a cup of poison and hope the other person gets sick.

Love you all.





Day 1856 Assuming? You will be a%%hole

15 04 2018

Good evening. Hope wherever you are you can just stop and say thank you for something in your life.

No matter how open, or honest I am or unafraid to ask someone something I still assume. It’s usually because I think I know, or past behavior or just you get used to it from that person. In honesty, if there are 50 times I assumed I might,just might, be right 5 times. Those are not good odds but since its easier than asking someone we take those horrible odds and assume. You can say I think, I know, I guess but bottom-line its assuming.

Every time I assume I look like an asshole, or I am an asshole or come a cross like I don’t care. I try so hard not to assume because it really hurts people. Usually its something important but even more important to them.  So why do we do it? Pure stupidity and laziness. I truly don’t think the intention is to hurt the other person but we do. Then we get upset that we hurt that person because we knew better. So whats my point?

This time I’m not going to tell you how I screwed up but how a few people this week hurt me bad. One broke my heart but because I’m a big tough guy I’m supposed to take. If you know me I’m the most real, honest (you may not want to hear it) person. All I want is you to do that back to me. If I react the wrong way that’s on me, you walk away and say hey I did what you asked. When you assume and are so blatantly wrong you are an asshole. I know we live in a world where everyone hides from true human connection, we think we know how someone is or whats going on by social media. Thats just stupid in the first place but to assume, that someone doesn’t need you, or they are okay, or you thought something they posted was about you. Come on people!! The good ole days were good in that people actually talked out their issues, or concerns and walked away agreeing to disagreeing but were still, friends, lovers whatever.

Or how about whenever someone gives you their answer that’s actually the answer, you don’t have to assume anymore they told. I dont give a crap if you like the answer or want it to change but thats their answer. I miss people, I miss real relationships, I miss love because people assume what they want. We are becoming the world of less courageous know it alls that know nothing but assume we know everything.

I guess my rant is over, just know you need to ask me, be honest with me, just don’t leave me hanging, then I’ll just assume  you’re an asshole. (See what I did there) .  Goodnight

 





Day 1852 Alone or Lonely? This hurts to hear.

11 04 2018

Hello from lovely Naples Florida. I have a job now that I travel when my babies are with their mom. So I get to jet set around the U.S. Its better than sitting at home with an unoccupied mind.  I enjoy it because I see a lot I haven’t seen. It’s cool how after a few years how areas change. So I try to soak it up and not stand out which is hard because I don’t hide well.

Alone or Lonely. I believe these get so misunderstood so often and there is a huge difference. I have never met one person who likes to be lonely but I have met many people who enjoy being alone. Being alone is a necessity in learning how to be a fully mature adult. You have to learn how to be with you, what do you like, are you comfortable in your own skin, can you do something by yourself. You need the alone time to reflect, talk to God or whoever you talk to. Alone is learning to be free or have freedom. I believe learning to be alone is a positive, you rely on you, even in a relationship you need to learn to be alone.

Lonely is a feeling you would probably come up against right after a break up, divorce, separation, distance, etc. The contact you had with another is no longer there, but you are wishing and longing for it. You are wanting it so bad that it affects you. We all l know people, not  a person that can’t stand being alone or lonely. Thats called Co-Dependant. Someone has to be there, they don’t feel loved, cared for or that they matter. They find their happiness in someone or something else and cannot stand being with themselves. Social media is a great place to watch people bounce from one relationship, to another.

Everyone gets lonely especially if your by yourself a lot and there is nothing wrong with be lonely except when you can’t do anything by yourself. have you ever went to a movie by yourself, dinner by yourself, sat at the lake by yourself etc… and it felt good? If not I think its imperative. If you are looking at people to fill that void you will be truly let down.

Before you can start another  relationship, whether it be a friend, you must first learn the joy and see the bliss of alone. If you search for someone or something to fill the void of your loneliness, you will find the exact same thing. Another person who is lonely and looking to fill a void. No one should start a relationship of any kind while they are lonely. It is an equation for failure which will push you to start over on your own journey of loneliness. Once you are alone and are perfectly happy with your alone, it is only then that one might open their eyes to the possibility of another relationship. You will naturally be attracted to someone else who is alone. You will find an equal to you, not someone who adds or subtracts something from you. You will share so many things in common, because you overcame loneliness and found your bliss being alone.

So another something I learned from being co-Dependent for most of my entire life. Like attracts like. Be alone so you will never be lonely.

Love you and carry on.

 

 








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