Day 1986 Don’t read this blog because Im just whining today

20 11 2018

This is going to be  a tad bit long, and real, but if you are one of these people STOP READING NOW: You got life figured out, you always have the right answer, if every one of yours prayers are answered, the person in the mirror always answers all of your questions, you never struggle with any addiction, depression, loneliness, anxiety, money issues. If you trust God everyday and never doubt him, or when you give it to God its gotten,

Im writing this today so you understand what real is, not what we choose to put on social media, or life about when someone asks how’s everything going. I know we can always put a positive spin on everything and usually I do but I’m talking to those who struggle and feel alone.


4 weeks out of the year depression gets me. It usually lasts a week out of a time , which means 11 months out of the year I do pretty, anxiety creeps up on me, money issues grab me all of that is now. Everyone has money issues if you have money or you have money. It’s all spins just differently. Most of the people reading this are Christians, you can send me scripture, or tell me to give it to God, say this to shall pass. And guess what I know what! I get it. I’ve been a Christian since I was 7. I’m talking about when you said and done all the right things and the pain is there, Why did my engagement ended 2 years ago, why did it not workout with a woman I waited for, why do people die that shouldn’t and people who should don’t (yes I’m judging), Why do people hurt other people (yes I know the answer Im typing out loud), Why do I lay in my bed at night knowing Im a great man hear so much silence,, and now I can count the ceiling fans even as they turn. When I speak to the man in the mirror, he lies, but I believe the lies. Even though  it’s not my fault when I try to help someone but they blow their head off anyway well its not my fault. I know its not but the shit hurts.

Why do complicate life so much that when we get to heaven God says really you thought that day I gave you a flat tire because I wanted to punish you. Don’t you think I have more to do than that. Someone asks I cheated on my wife what I do, First of all stop, go tell her and deal with the consequences. (I can’t do that) well you’re screwed then.  I get depressed it runs deep in my family, I’m there now and I get told just get up. Of shit wait a minute let me run over to that get off my ass switch that I missed and flip it on. How about when you ask me how Im doing I lie and tell you how Im doing I say good and so I don’t hear some dumb response because now you will feel uncomfortable if I told you the truth.

You see I’m a good man, Christian, daddy, friend. I just hurt like you do. Doesn’t make me weak, doesn’t make me less than a man than I was. Im real, Im honest, I try to help, motivate, lift you up on a daily basis because believe me the messages I get from people they are wanting real, and not to feel like they are alone. So as you have that pill to get through that Christmas part, or that drink to take the edge off, or gossip about someone to make you feel better, or you give thoughts and prayers but you forget to actually pray just stop, think I have been there in my life and I might just want to be careful before I put my magic wands of bullshit out there.


So there you go. Im struggling now. That’s real, raw and honest. I would tell you that I don’t care what you think but that’s what people tell others  that care what they think. I love you people and Im sure I will get a bunch of wth is wrong with you, or he’s losing it. Nope I wrote this because I know at 1 person needs this. Were all going to be okay I know , I know. That doesn’t stop the pain today. So judge if you want, people judge can’t stop it just know the pain of the world is deep and we can all cover the bullshit with leaves but you’re going to step in it sooner or later.


Just try to love, be real, and quit trying to cover up life with BS. This to shall pass lol.

Day 1836 How about you kiss my ……..

25 03 2018

Hello people and hope life is going great for you. Past 4 weeks, I had to put my dog to sleep, got  a new job where I travel, a new cell-phone which there is a learning curve,  and sat in the middle seat twice on a plane. 1 st world problems but still, the middle seat!


One thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days I’m a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. It’s still new in the year and a lot of time to have the year I want.  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared.  I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by urself and you  cry that’s God just getting me to cleanse myself so I can see what I  forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes mom and dad are proud of who you are. You work so hard to be a great parent. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

Just throwing out my thoughts because thats what a blog is for. Happy Easter and eat a cadbuy for me. Oh and you dont have to kiss my …. I just liked the title

Day 1807 the last 6 months

24 02 2018

Good saturday afternoon. This week in Texas we had a thunderstorm, ice and flooding all in one day. We are out of drought and now growing mosquitoes. Hold on my friends we might have snow before its all over.

As i sit and think about my dad today i remember the last 6 months of his life. Its the only time i got to know him. He told me the way he felt the day i was born, how he dreamed of me, how strong i was, how i always made him laugh. That besides my mom and sisters that we were the only good things that he did. His band he had in Germany, the way he felt when he drew and painted. How he and Buddy holly got in trouble. Why he started drinking, women he shouldnt have met. How he got scared, what he feared, when i first broke my leg how much he cried, when i took his alcohol away because he couldnt, when i shelled his peanuts so he wouldn’t go crazy when he stopped smoking.
The pride he felt when i walked across stage with my degree. The pain he felt when i looked him in the eye and he knew he didnt measure up, how much my mom was the greatest gift he had ever received. How much he loved my sister and asked me to promise to watch over until the day i die.
The final words i ever heard him speak were i wish i was half the man you were son and i love you please never forget that.

I ask you today if your relationship with your parents is on the outs, put down your pride and go to them. It took me 6 years after my dad died to appreciate the last 6 months he was with us but im so thankful i got to know him.
Take my advice not my pain. Go to them

Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.


Day 1527 Please Daddy hold my hand

30 04 2017


I hope all of you are well. I’m going to get right into it today

I can remember 4 times in my life my dad held my hand. I was about 5 years old at the fort worth zoo and it was really crowded. I’m not sure why remember that but I do remember the feeling of how good it felt.

2nd time was my junior year of high school and I had just had a major operation on my leg. My dad wheeled me out on the football field and each teammate came by and high-fived me and when they were done I was crying. He grabbed my hand and said you’ll be their next year.
3rd time was my college graduation. My dad was very sick at this time and always in pain. Since W. Is in my last name I was at the end. He sat through the entire graduation. When I got to get over to my parents I stuck my hand out to shake his. He shook it but then it went from that to locking hands. He was crying and said thank you for always fulfilling my dreams of what my son could be.
Finally February 11 2005, my dad went into a coma at home. I got to my parents  at 11:00 pm. After hours of talking to him, they said he could hear me, I got up went outside and talked to God and said please take him. If you didn’t know I had a father wound, and was embarrassed and at times hated my dad. I was so ready for him to die. Around 7:00 am I went to his bed and laid down next to him. I took his hand and locked it with mine. I know he wanted that. At 720 am he took his last breath and I felt life leave him through my hand and his.
Why do i tell you this? I always wanted my dad to hold my hand and bring me along. That’s not what men did back then even though it was the most memorable and heartfelt things we did. I just never told him.
When I got my 2nd chance at life in 2011 I said I will hold my kids hands always especially my son. I guess I always have it’s because 2nd nature for me so I don’t realize I’m doing it.
Yesterday we were at a memorial service  and I’m very lovey with my kids. Rubbing their head, holding hands etc…as we sat at the service doing those things I was realizing how much my son loved to hold my hand.
We were leaving the memorial and a very old gentleman came up to me and said that boy if yours sure loves you. I said yes sir he does. He said you have no idea how I know do you? No sir I don’t. I saw you rubbing his head, but what caught my eye is every time you stood up to sing you locked hands and you held it the whole time. Remember this son, your teaching him love and continue so you won’t regret what you didn’t do. Yes sir and I hugged him.
So hold my hand daddy I need you. I wont forget that old man yesterday or the love my sin has for me. When I think I’m failing them im doing more than I realized.

Day 1106 I’m sorry dad 11 years later

10 02 2016

This year my dads death is probably harder than expected because six weeks ago my mom left us. What he taught me as come through my mind more and more each day as the days of my mom pass. Each year I write this, copy and paste and change it mostly for myself. I read to see where life changed or my feelings are different. I just know the last 6 months he was alive I appreciate those moments more now than ever. They were the hardest things I’ve heard from a man about a man. He was true, deep, vulnerable  and finally open. I hated the words but I needed to hear them. Rather than being able to absorb them at that moment I just filled myself with hate, and bitterness and then he was gone. He was so wise because he was broken and made more mistakes than a roomful of men could make. I appreciate the words I use now when I speak that came from him, the moments when I parent and blow it and here him say its okay. When I feel worthless and hear him say don’t get in the mouse trap of thoughts you can’t get out of. 11 years later I would tell him I’m sorry but thank you. You were not the broken, heartless, absent man I thought you were. I love you and I hope I’m making you and mom proud even through my struggles. Here is 3 years of writing about what the day brings to me. I hope it helps you and if not it helps me.

At 8:20 am tomorrow 11  years ago  my father passed away. Sorry if you have heard the story before but this helps me deal with it and maybe you can get something out of it. I had never been more embarrassed, disappointed, and down right sickened by a human in my life than my dad. My dad was taking 27 pills a day to stay alive. We had brought him home from the hospital about 5 weeks earlier so he could die at home. He had a variety of things wrong with him they said he died of COPD but you could have chosen 5 or 6 other things. They had given him morphine under the tongue 2 weeks before so it had been a while since I had seen him “normal”. My problems started in life at 10 when my dad said that it was time for me to be the man of the family and I wore that with a badge of honor. It is by far the worst thing anything can put on a little boy. I truly believed in my head my dad thought I could handle the pressure and that he took a step back and started the deterioration process. It’s not like he didn’t do anything but when I was 14 he became disabled and quit. I was so pissed. I m a fighter and I don’t quit and he left my mom and I to take care of him and my sister. I know he was sick and his body was failing him but he could have tried to do something. He made me a promise that if I graduated from college that he would be there and stand for me when they called my name. Well he did that in December of 1998. It was the last time I could say I was proud of him. He was there and then had to go to the car. He had to carry an oxygen tank with him but I know that day he was proud of me. AS the years went on I saw less of him. I was embarrassed and now I know I was really pissed at him. I saw the man he was becoming, he couldn’t take care of himself at all and my mother waited on him hand over fist. September 2004 I started my own business. I will never forget that day he said “( I m so proud you had the courage to do something I wouldn’t) I remember mumbling to myself yeah You could have and he wouldn’t have been so damn poor.

August 2004 my dad got the words you only have 6-9 months left to live. He started the I m sorry and started to bear his soul. He apologized to my mom and I heard  his words he was sorry and my mom waited 34 years to hear those words. He apologized to my sister and requested that she do a few things which she agreed. He then started his process with me. It took a full 5.5 months to get it all out. I learned things about him that I never knew. He was a great card player, a real sharp dresser. He owned bowling alleys and restaurants, he played with his close friend Buddy Holly in his band and some other things that I will keep to myself. At first I was so happy to hear all of this and then I became bitter that he would wait until he was gone and couldn’t do anything about it. His last words that he said to me were son I wish I was half the man you had become. It was the most powerful thing I have ever heard but it should have been me saying that to him.

The last time I saw my dad alive was February 4th 2005. They got him out of bed and sat him in his chair. He had no idea we were there but he did have enough to tell me he was proud of me. I sat in front of him and talked to him like nothing was wrong but knew it wouldn’t be long before he died. I left that night and hoped God would take him I wished for more than anything. He was a shell of a man, he was so sick and my mom deserved better. Thursday February 10 at 9:40 pm my mom called its time son. We had many false alarms but this time her voice said it was really happening. He asked my mom to go to the store and get him some juice. He knew what he was doing when she got back my dad was in a coma. I got there at 11:00 that night. It was the longest drive I had made from Denton to Cleburne.  I wanted to have something to say to calm everyone down when I got there but I didn’t. I gave my sister, my mom and the hospice nurse a hug and went into the bedroom. No matter how ready you think you are you’re not ready to see you parent laying there taking their last breaths . The nurse told me that he could hear me so talk to him but he wouldn’t respond. Probably since the first time since I was a baby I went in laid in my dads arm and didn’t say a word. I laid there about 2 hrs and nobody came in there. I guess they knew I needed my time. I talked to my dad about what I was doing in my business and how I struggled with being a dad and husband. I told him I was mad about him leaving me here but I would hold up to the end of the bargain of taking care of my mom and sister. I got up and let some other people who came by the house come by and pay their respects. I sat outside in the dark for about an hr. I just kept praying for God please take him. His lungs were filling with fluid so his breathing was like that of a drowning person. At 8:00 that morning his breaths became fewer and fewer. My mom and sister came and said goodbye and I laid next to him holding his hand. at 8:20 I heard his last breath. A very surreal moment happened and his warm body became cold and his spirit left. It was my last time that I had to be the man of the family with him there!!

December 7th 2011 I went to my father’s grave for the first time. I was going through counseling and all kinds of help try to find peace and that day in the cold, mud, and sleet I hit my knees at his tombstone. I told him I was sorry for all the things I said and would he please forgive me and I forgave him. At that moment I looked over my right shoulder to see who was grabbing my shoulder and it was the spirit of the Lord lifting the burden off of me that I had carried for 25 years. My life has never been the same. My life hit Rock Bottom but because of that simple act of forgiveness for a man who did the best he could with the knowledge he had I’m here today still a broken man but gluing it all back together. At the beginning of January this year took a trip to the Sequoia National Forest and saw the largest trees in the world. It was the most majestic and quite place I had ever been on earth. In the quite I heard my Father speak to me and tell me that he loved me and he was proud of me. I promise its worth the fight and struggle to get to a place of peace and forgiveness.


Day 1084 That’s what love is

18 01 2016

As a blogger you write mostly what interests you but at the same time you hope your reader truly enjoys it. Then sometimes you write because you need it. You want to write so you can come back and feel moments in your life, see how far you’ve come or just what in the world was in your brain at that time. I write tonight for me. It’s just some of my thoughts that I’ve had and discussed  in counseling.

Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is ….. LOVE! My mom was love in every sense of the word. It just exuded  out of her. Tough, physical, mental, emotional she was all of that. She was my example and now a realization has hit. I was talking to my counselor Brian before Thanksgiving and  told him in my life women have never loved me except my mom. Sure I had 2 long relationships then a 14 year marriage but those women never loved ME! They loved who I was going to become or what I could do for them but never the love I deserved or should have received. Before I go on this isn’t “poor Tyler” or God loves you Tyler. I know that. God did put us on this earth and he did say again Faith, Hope and Love and the greatest is LOVE.

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and will until the day I die but I do know what love is, I exude it, I give it and I express it in whatever way you need it, but now mine is gone. Sure I was a mamas boy but it was to easy not to be. I realized tonight on a 5.5 hr drive home that I could live to be 100 and never feel that love again. Not just because she was my mom but that’s how she loved. I could write for 5 more hours about how my mom loved but I ll just give a few that hit me tonight.

After my dad became disabled things got horrible but my mom made sure we stood tall. I remember this piggy bank It was of a basset hound it was full of money. She brought me in my room and gave me a little hammer and said son we need this money now but lets break this bank together. We sat on the floor and with tears running down her eyes I asked why do we have to do this. She said because life isn’t always fair but you make the best of it. I said now what? She said now we love each other more than we ever have because we need it.

My sophomore year of high school when all hell had broke loose in our family and  things were being pawned and life was unbearable. I had to have an operation to shorten my left leg. Dr. came into my room the day after the surgery and looked at us and said he’ll never walk right and again and sports is out of the question. My mom said well sir you don’t know my son but I do and your wrong. When the dr left the room she turned around to me and looked me in the eye and said you will be do everything you ever wanted to do because I know you, I had you and I love you. Now get your ass out of bed and let’s go to physical therapy. She was at ever physical therapy appt with her own brand of encouragement and the kiss on the cheek at the end. 6 months later I was cleared to play football again.

I told this at my mom’s Eulogy. The night before I attempted suicide I called my mom and to shorten the conversation I told her life had become too much and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told her that I wouldn’t do anything stupid (which was a lie) but I didn’t know which way was up. She didn’t lecture me at all. She paused so long I said mom are you still there. She said son what your feeling is temporary, I know you’re hurting but you will get through this. She said only God can fix this. She then called me by my whole name Jason Tyler Wood I love you.  Good night son! The next day the attempt failed. I was so embarrassed it took me a week to call her and tell what I had tried. She said I know son. When I hung up with you I yelled to God to save my son because I can’t. That is what love is. When you have no idea you reach to the one who does.

As I struggle and pray to feel the love my mom showed me. I know that there is no one else like her. I miss her like crazy and know that she was truly proud of the man I had become today.

Matthew Winters (Honest Thoughts from a Pastor)

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