Day 1549 so this is what its come to

22 05 2017

Remember naps, kool aid, recess, playing outside until you were so tired you came in I took a bath passed out and did it again the next day.  What about getting something in the mail,run out to the mailbox but no yet, drinking from a water hose, jumping into a pond just because, or taking your shoes off just because. trying to have fun because it was fun,  not to have fun to compensate to make yourself feel better. Anyway I’m saying being an adult is dumb and we continue to do the same thing.

Let say the stats are correct and 2% of people live they life they want. I’ll be generous and say 10% are living the life they want. So that leaves us the other 90%. Here are the things we celebrate now,

  1. I got to work on time,
  2. They canceled the meeting,
  3. Jeans day,
  4. A catered lunch,
  5. Getting to leave 5 minutes early
  6. Living to get a tax return check that we shouldn’t have paid over tot he government anyway
  7. Getting to eat a meal at home. It used to happen everyday
  8. 2 weeks of vacation to work 50 weeks. Then we dread the end of vacation because how much work we have when we get back
  9. Praying to God that the dr., lawyer or bank stay open past 5 so you can get business done so you don’t have to do everything Saturday.
  10. That someone will celebrate your birthday
  11. You go to the mailbox hoping its empty
  12. That somebody would do their laundry
  13. Can we order pizza because I don’t give a crap about anybody eating
  14. Someone body I cared about texted me but I haven’t heard their voice in 2 years
  15.  I worked to retirement YAY, now my health sucks so bad I can’t enjoy it
  16. We get 2 breaks a day to go to the bathroom
  17. Somebody waved at me. Do they like me. It used to mean people were friendly.
  18. You have to be sick to feel like you can stay in bed
  19. Someone pays you a compliment.
  20. I paid my bills for the month yes, oh crap its time to start paying them again.

 

I could go on but how freaking sad is it that life has become this. Routine is a killer of the soul. Why have we accepted this. It’s not God’s plan. ts not our plan but we stick ourselves in the butt with it and wonder why it hurts. It’s just dub, we stopped having fun, or our fun is were going to drink until we don’t remember, because Hangovers are a blast.

My boss is a dumb arse and if you don’t think you’re a dumb arse you are the boss. We live this life to get to a point to enjoy it then our health fades,  our love dies, kids move on forget about us until were dying.

Im not trying to be a pessimist but I’m sick of people not living.  Take them damn trip,  eat the food you shouldn’t , if your job sucks find another one, if you want a dog buy one. Just live because if you were giving a month to live you would start but its to late.

Oh but Tyler I don’t what to do. Okay good stop doing this stupid crap I listed that’s a good start. The only person going to make your life better is you. I mean nobody else will. Don’t blame, just do it.





Day 1527 Please Daddy hold my hand

30 04 2017

 

I hope all of you are well. I’m going to get right into it today

I can remember 4 times in my life my dad held my hand. I was about 5 years old at the fort worth zoo and it was really crowded. I’m not sure why remember that but I do remember the feeling of how good it felt.

2nd time was my junior year of high school and I had just had a major operation on my leg. My dad wheeled me out on the football field and each teammate came by and high-fived me and when they were done I was crying. He grabbed my hand and said you’ll be their next year.
3rd time was my college graduation. My dad was very sick at this time and always in pain. Since W. Is in my last name I was at the end. He sat through the entire graduation. When I got to get over to my parents I stuck my hand out to shake his. He shook it but then it went from that to locking hands. He was crying and said thank you for always fulfilling my dreams of what my son could be.
Finally February 11 2005, my dad went into a coma at home. I got to my parents  at 11:00 pm. After hours of talking to him, they said he could hear me, I got up went outside and talked to God and said please take him. If you didn’t know I had a father wound, and was embarrassed and at times hated my dad. I was so ready for him to die. Around 7:00 am I went to his bed and laid down next to him. I took his hand and locked it with mine. I know he wanted that. At 720 am he took his last breath and I felt life leave him through my hand and his.
Why do i tell you this? I always wanted my dad to hold my hand and bring me along. That’s not what men did back then even though it was the most memorable and heartfelt things we did. I just never told him.
When I got my 2nd chance at life in 2011 I said I will hold my kids hands always especially my son. I guess I always have it’s because 2nd nature for me so I don’t realize I’m doing it.
Yesterday we were at a memorial service  and I’m very lovey with my kids. Rubbing their head, holding hands etc…as we sat at the service doing those things I was realizing how much my son loved to hold my hand.
We were leaving the memorial and a very old gentleman came up to me and said that boy if yours sure loves you. I said yes sir he does. He said you have no idea how I know do you? No sir I don’t. I saw you rubbing his head, but what caught my eye is every time you stood up to sing you locked hands and you held it the whole time. Remember this son, your teaching him love and continue so you won’t regret what you didn’t do. Yes sir and I hugged him.
So hold my hand daddy I need you. I wont forget that old man yesterday or the love my sin has for me. When I think I’m failing them im doing more than I realized.




Day 1331 Don’t call it a comeback

10 10 2016

Happy Monday and Columbus day  to the blog readers. Do u remember when it’s started to get cool and you had to put jeans on again? Well that stinks and as I get older I wish we could just keep our body temperature regulated.  I’m getting old, now get off my lawn.
LL Cool J had a song where he said don’t call it a comeback: he made a comeback sound negative.i see why because the world tries the make us think that only a few people fall down so having a comeback is a weak thing.
I wish everyone could have a comeback like everyone falls down, but honestly very few in compassion  Comeback.
Comebacks rarely look like what we think. We think there Hollywood created, the guy gets the girl, the women finds her dad, the kid get a scholarship, the flood stops right at the doorstep, or the cancer just poof goes away.
I know my comeback was nothing like I wanted or asked for, I wanted my family to stay in tact, I didn’t want to split  holidays, or miss 183 days a year of my kids life, I didn’t want to spend countless nights alone with my own thoughts watching the ceiling fan spin, I thought I would have started another business, or my bank account would be full,  that I would be 3 seconds from taking my life or I would get in front of a group of 10 or 500 people and tell them how I screwed up everything.
Comebacks happen to us but not for us: We all think lets see if I comeback this way then I’ll be famous, or I will be loved this way, or I’ll become rich. How about you comeback and the only reason is because everyone around you needs you to comeback. The power we have inside of us to change a life with just our simple words is truly astounding. The one moment or place that everything you went through that someone can reach out to you and say because you told your story I was able to get up one more day when I wanted to take my life, or i was about to leave my message, I was going to quit but because you didn’t I stayed.

Stop trying to make it make sense. I need to fix it or understand before I can do it. No you just start doing “it” whatever your it is do it because right in front of you is your story that someone needs to hear it. Yes your story, my story! Nobody truly wants to sit on an island alone. We want to know does anyone feel what I felt, I’m not the only one. We’re never the only one we just lie to ourselves and believe it.

As our pastor said yesterday we are all just Wound healers in progress. I love that because we will always be wounded but our job is to pick the wounded and walk with them and hope we start healing.

When I need a reminder of why Im here, or what am I doing ,I look down at my right wrist and get a reminder. I hope if your reading this or will be that I have changed your life or given you hope. If not, as long as Im here we still have time. It’s your time for a comeback!

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Fay 750 Faith or Control

16 02 2015

It’s a blessing and a curse to have joint custody of your children after divorce. The blessings are too many to count but the hardest is when I get them back I have actually seen them change. Not only physically but mentally and emotional. I get my kids back on Fridays and seeing my daughter had a 7th grade Valentine dance. When I saw her in her dress I couldn’t believe that it was her but it was like looking at what I thought she would look like in the future. I’m just thankful I can see her and my son as much as I do but its tough watching them grow up and I’m not there.

Faith or control? Which one are you and if 100% of people were truthful we are all about the control. Faith- Faith is defined as confidence or trust in a being, object, living organism, deity, view, or in the doctrines or teachings of a religion, as well as confidence based on some degree of warrant. It can also be belief that is not based on proof. The word faith is often used as a synonym for hope, for trust, or for belief. Control-Toexercise authoritative or dominating influence over. 

The question to me is why. Faith you cannot see. Control you can. You can make someone do something and you control that situation or you perceive you do. Faith is letting go and not many of us a real good at that. I was the worlds worst control freak and we all know that control freaks control nothing no matter how much we want to believe we do. We can’t make someone love us, we can’t make problems go away, we can’t solve addiction, we cant  control people decisions at work. No matter the best plans ever put together Gods plan is what it is and that’s the bottom line. My favorite saying is that if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. If your plans are based on your control and not your faith then your plans will fail. You may get what you want but in the long run it winds up turning into sour grapes.

My whole life was like this: God its  11 I’m going to lunch and Ill be back at 1. If you don’t accomplish what I need by then  Ill take over. I mean I’ve always taken care of the way it was supposed to go (sarcasm). Here is a great example from this past week. I needed my sub contractors  to finish building a fence for a house were building. I set it up and even called the sub Wednesday morning to make sure he was going to be there. I had taken control  and we were golden. Well long story short the sub I talked to died in a car accident Wednesday morning, I was sad for him but I was also upset because now the fence wasn’t going to be  get finished which then would push back the closing and so on and so forth. What wound up happening is that the inspector that was supposed to be there the next day couldn’t make it and the customer and to push back the closing a day. It worked out the way it should. My control I put on it did nothing. Faith would say the only thing I can do is my part and the rest has nothing to do with me. Every morning we wake up once we hit the alarm the only thing we control if were allowed to wake up is hitting the alarm to go off and getting out of bed. After that its a crap shoot no matter how organized, put together or what a great planner you are. It’s easy to think we can control our kids, our life, and everything it. I know some great parents that I’ve patterned myself after and guess what their kids fell of the wagon. Not because the parents were  but because we don’t control our kids once they leave the house. We all that all american couple and because they tried to control the spouse they pushed them further away. In your life when someone tries to control you how do you feel and your like I don’t think so sucker.

My closet friend Jim said about me on my trip back from California that you seemed not to give a crap. That you were so care free with your decisions. My response. I lacked faith. God allowed me with my free will to control my life and with it, hit rock bottom,  I burned so many bridges, lost my best friend, lost my business, filed bankruptcy, lost my marriage, my home and essentially everything I thought I controlled. You see how well that turned out.  The last three years I’m LEARNING that God will handle it if I allow him with my walk of faith. I may not like his plan but his plan has worked out every-time. I really wound up liking it in the end and all I did was give up my control which I truly sucked at. You cannot see faith  but I promise if you follow faith you will be standing  exactly where you wanted to be.  So I expect all of you to read this or I wont blog tomorrow! (Get it)





Fay 750 Faith or Control

15 02 2015

It’s a blessing and a curse to have joint custody of your children after divorce. The blessings are too many to count but the hardest is when I get them back I have actually seen them change. Not only physically but mentally and emotional. I get my kids back on Fridays and seeing my daughter had a 7th grade Valentine dance. When I saw her in her dress I couldn’t believe that it was her but it was like looking at what I thought she would look like in the future. I’m just thankful I can see her and my son as much as I do but its tough watching them grow up and I’m not there.

Faith or control? Which one are you and if 100% of people were truthful we are all about the control. Faith- Faith is defined as confidence or trust in a being, object, living organism, deity, view, or in the doctrines or teachings of a religion, as well as confidence based on some degree of warrant. It can also be belief that is not based on proof. The word faith is often used as a synonym for hope, for trust, or for belief. Control-To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over. 

The question to me is why. Faith you cannot see. Control you can. You can make someone do something and you control that situation or you perceive you do. Faith is letting go and not many of us a real good at that. I was the worlds worst control freak and we all know that control freaks control nothing no matter how much we want to believe we do. We can’t make someone love us, we can’t make problems go away, we can’t solve addiction, we cant  control people decisions at work. No matter the best plans ever put together Gods plan is what it is and that’s the bottom line. My favorite saying is that if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. If your plans are based on your control and not your faith then your plans will fail. You may get what you want but in the long run it winds up turning into sour grapes.

My whole life was like this: God its  11 I’m going to lunch and Ill be back at 1. If you don’t accomplish what I need by then  Ill take over. I mean I’ve always taken care of the way it was supposed to go (sarcasm). Here is a great example from this past week. I needed my sub contractors  to finish building a fence for a house were building. I set it up and even called the sub Wednesday morning to make sure he was going to be there. I had taken control  and we were golden. Well long story short the sub I talked to died in a car accident Wednesday morning, I was sad for him but I was also upset because now the fence wasn’t going to be  get finished which then would push back the closing and so on and so forth. What wound up happening is that the inspector that was supposed to be there the next day couldn’t make it and the customer and to push back the closing a day. It worked out the way it should. My control I put on it did nothing. Faith would say the only thing I can do is my part and the rest has nothing to do with me. Every morning we wake up once we hit the alarm the only thing we control if were allowed to wake up is hitting the alarm to go off and getting out of bed. After that its a crap shoot no matter how organized, put together or what a great planner you are. It’s easy to think we can control our kids, our life, and everything it. I know some great parents that I’ve patterned myself after and guess what their kids fell of the wagon. Not because the parents were  but because we don’t control our kids once they leave the house. We all that all american couple and because they tried to control the spouse they pushed them further away. In your life when someone tries to control you how do you feel and your like I don’t think so sucker.

My closet friend Jim said about me on my trip back from California that you seemed not to give a crap. That you were so care free with your decisions. My response. I lacked faith. God allowed me with my free will to control my life and with it, hit rock bottom,  I burned so many bridges, lost my best friend, lost my business, filed bankruptcy, lost my marriage, my home and essentially everything I thought I controlled. You see how well that turned out.  The last three years I’m LEARNING that God will handle it if I allow him with my walk of faith. I may not like his plan but his plan has worked out every-time. I really wound up liking it in the end and all I did was give up my control which I truly sucked at. You cannot see faith  but I promise if you follow faith you will be standing  exactly where you wanted to be.  So I expect all of you to read this or I wont blog tomorrow! (Get it)





Day 607 The other 183 days

25 09 2014

After a two-hour trip walking around Wal-Mart the other night I can say that you can see everything and your wildest or scariest dreams can come true there. Okay maybe nightmares but it is amazing what people wear, what they talk about and how rude people can be to one other. If you have never been to peopleofwalmart.com I highly recommend it.

I’ve wrote about this before and sometimes it rears its ugly head. I have joint custody of my two kids 7 days on and 7 days off. Roughly its 183 days out of the year give or take. I feel almost magical when I have them. Yes it is hard and there are never enough hours in a day to get everything done. Some days I don’t appreciate my kids the way I should, but I try so damn hard. Every child needs the other parent as bad as the other. How parents try to control and manipulate a situation to keep the other parent away if they are fit and able is just mind-boggling to me. Saying that I fought for my kids to make sure we had joint custody.  I didn’t want my divorce but sometimes you make your bed and you have to lay in it. One of the hardest things and most difficult things is the pain we have caused our kids. If  you have never been divorced I know your heart is in the right place but save me how you understand because you don’t. We have done our best to make co-parenting work  its and for the most part we have. Doesn’t mean that we agree on everything, or see things the same a lot of the times but we are trying. Which is better than most relationships, but then there’s the other 183 days

I get a good morning call from my daughter and sometimes my son. I get a goodnight call from both. My world stops when I get those phone calls. To hear their voice is all I got and I promise on those days its enough. You have no idea how much your children can grow up in 7 days. The voice, their vocabulary, their jokes, smiles and outlook on life. How quick their fingernails grow, their hair or you notice your children s skin, or how they smell. I will go in their room and smell their pillows when their gone just so I can have some peace. I never signed up to be part-time dad, but I had my share in the failure or my marriage so I make the best of it.

My days without are filled with work, but also Im discovering me. I forgot who I was, what made me happy, what made me laugh, what my purpose was. So I spend my 183 days doing that. I have some stories for my kids because they always want to know what I did and did I have fun. I have done things without them here that I couldn’t if they were here. Mostly I think of ways to be a better daddy and how to prepare them for the good and bad in life. I work on being an example they would be proud of and a man that both can point to later in life and say my dad is what every man should strive to believe in.  I can’t tell you though the silence, loneliness, the hurt that comes with the other 183 days but its there. What I have learned is that I can either choose to sulk and whine about it or try to make it something good. Sure I struggle but Im finally learning to to be thankful for the pitfalls.

So why do I write this today. Im struggling this week with missing my kids, but I want to offer hope to any parent male or female. If your marriage is going down a path of destruction stop right now and start making it right. If you don’t you will be where Iam at. If you get here though you can take the lemons and make lemonade or take them the lemons and make orange juice. I prefer orange juice so that’s what I do.





Day 607 The other 183 days

24 09 2014

After a two-hour trip walking around Wal-Mart the other night I can say that you can see everything and your wildest or scariest dreams can come true there. Okay maybe nightmares but it is amazing what people wear, what they talk about and how rude people can be to one other. If you have never been to peopleofwalmart.com I highly recommend it.

I’ve wrote about this before and sometimes it rears its ugly head. I have joint custody of my two kids 7 days on and 7 days off. Roughly its 183 days out of the year give or take. I feel almost magical when I have them. Yes it is hard and there are never enough hours in a day to get everything done. Some days I don’t appreciate my kids the way I should, but I try so damn hard. Every child needs the other parent as bad as the other. How parents try to control and manipulate a situation to keep the other parent away if they are fit and able is just mind-boggling to me. Saying that I fought for my kids to make sure we had joint custody.  I didn’t want my divorce but sometimes you make your bed and you have to lay in it. One of the hardest things and most difficult things is the pain we have caused our kids. If  you have never been divorced I know your heart is in the right place but save me how you understand because you don’t. We have done our best to make co-parenting work  its and for the most part we have. Doesn’t mean that we agree on everything, or see things the same a lot of the times but we are trying. Which is better than most relationships, but then there’s the other 183 days

I get a good morning call from my daughter and sometimes my son. I get a goodnight call from both. My world stops when I get those phone calls. To hear their voice is all I got and I promise on those days its enough. You have no idea how much your children can grow up in 7 days. The voice, their vocabulary, their jokes, smiles and outlook on life. How quick their fingernails grow, their hair or you notice your children s skin, or how they smell. I will go in their room and smell their pillows when their gone just so I can have some peace. I never signed up to be part-time dad, but I had my share in the failure or my marriage so I make the best of it.

My days without are filled with work, but also Im discovering me. I forgot who I was, what made me happy, what made me laugh, what my purpose was. So I spend my 183 days doing that. I have some stories for my kids because they always want to know what I did and did I have fun. I have done things without them here that I couldn’t if they were here. Mostly I think of ways to be a better daddy and how to prepare them for the good and bad in life. I work on being an example they would be proud of and a man that both can point to later in life and say my dad is what every man should strive to believe in.  I can’t tell you though the silence, loneliness, the hurt that comes with the other 183 days but its there. What I have learned is that I can either choose to sulk and whine about it or try to make it something good. Sure I struggle but Im finally learning to to be thankful for the pitfalls.

So why do I write this today. Im struggling this week with missing my kids, but I want to offer hope to any parent male or female. If your marriage is going down a path of destruction stop right now and start making it right. If you don’t you will be where Iam at. If you get here though you can take the lemons and make lemonade or take them the lemons and make orange juice. I prefer orange juice so that’s what I do.








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