Day 1891 Please don’t kill yourself

13 08 2018

Meet the teacher tonight. I have a jr. in high school and a 4th grader. My Lord time is passing faster and faster everyday as I get older.  Here’s to a great year for all of you!

I was sent a video today by one of my friends. It’s by Clayton Jennings called Stop, Please don’t kill yourself. Theres a tad of irony in that fact that is the month 7 years ago that I was ready to go. The noise in my head was loud, the pain that I felt in every step, in every fake situation I played up. I told goodbye in my silence knowing I wouldn’t see them again even though they had no clue this was the last time they would see me.

Depression was like a bag of Oreos for me. I could eat line after line with no thought. I could only think of the skin i was saving, the people who could breathe easier knowing that I wasn’t there. My kids that didn’t need this broken, failure of a man. I cried more those 2 weeks before the day came. Tears of joy for others and tears that I couldn’t believe the failure I allowed, the brokenness that started as I came out of the womb. I remember a primal scream  I let out in my car that I’m surprised didn’t shatter my windows. Suicide was my only way!

If I could tell you anything I would tell you its a season of life. Your damn right it hurts, probably the worst feeling you have ever had. If you choose to walk with the devil you will hold his hand. His whispers are loud and believable but you ave to yell out I mean really yell out tell the devil to leave you. You want to talk about courage fight the devil when he is partying in your head. That is courage but you cant do it alone! I believe in God! He never said it was going to be easy. I thought being a Christian was supposed to be easy but when I didn’t understand I blamed God and said you fix it or I end it.

God rose up and he grabbed my hand and said I know you ready so come on. I fought some days and others I just gave in because I was tired not physically but in life. So I stood up but if you believe this is easy you are delusional. You see what I allow you to see, you don’t see this heart or these tears. I spend a lot of time by myself. I do know if I dance with the devil i lose. So I beg you just today stand up. don’t worry about tomorrow. Deep inside your soul the best is there. You just forgot it. reach out, ask for someone to just hold you, ask them to just shut up and listen.

I’ve never known one person that took their life that made this world a better place. You were wanted, needed and so missed. God will see you through it. It might be  category 6 hurricane in your life but please don’t take your life. I love you even if I dont know you. I never want one person to sit in their car on a hill yelling, crying with snot bubbles praying that this death goes slow because thats what I deserved. so I’m here!

Stop please don’t kill yourself!

 

 

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Day 1103 Depression medication? OMG Help me

8 02 2016

Thought I might get a blog in before the Superbowl starts. I wish I truly gave a crap about who won but I don’t. I’m ready for the commercials though. We had another Rock Bottom Outreach Sleeping bag handout yesterday. I love those events because yes we are helping others but I believe we get more out of it. I took my babies with me so one that get to see real life but also its good for them to do others. I got this amazing pic taken with them too makes my heart happy.

my family

If you have read my blog you know I have struggled with depression and it comes from about 3 generations back on both sides. I had been off of medication for about 2 years and then in October life started creeping in on me. I really struggled because I was so mad that I couldn’t control my feelings. I had anger, sadness, despair. I also had days where I was so happy and excited but the bad days out weighed the correct thoughts. I know depression is a chemical imbalance not that you’re weak or have problems being strong. Its something you can’t handle. With at one point going to commit suicide I decided I better get back on medication. I got on Lexipro and in about 4 days I felt so much better and after two weeks I didn’t feel much of anything. There were no lows but also no highs. I could have been on fire and all I would have thought is I should put that out (said in Ben Stein’s voice). I didn’t get angry, passionate sad, depressed, lovey, or anything. I was okay with it because nothing was bad but I like to have feelings. I like to experience life and I was walking in it but I was numb. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on and that’s not me.  Then came December 29th and my mom died. I was super sad but I was calm to calm for me. I thought maybe it was because my walk with God or just I had grown up.  3 weeks into this I had only cried 4 times. I thought about her all the time but I was just here in a black hole of nothing. I didn’t want to be just here I wanted to feel and feel deep. I knew though that if I got off it I would be in big trouble. I couldn’t have this hit me all at once. So Last Monday I called my Dr and asked if I could half my dosage. She said yes and knows me well so I did it. I started really feeling different yesterday. Feelings that I haven’t felt in 3 months came on. I thought, grieved, laughed and cried yesterday. Today I actually felt and heard the message at church. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I felt love for my kids I hadn’t had in a while. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had thoughts about my mom that I hadn’t in years. On the 11th of this month my dad will be gone for 11 years and I thought about what my parents were doing in heaven. Mostly I thought about where my life was and was I good enough.

It may not sound like it but I need to feel, I need to live, I need to experience this journey that I didn’t expect to happen. I believe many people and I know a few that feel the same way I do. They hate not feeling and they got off  the depression medicine. I can’t tell you what to do but know if you need medicine get on it and stay on it, but work your rear off while your on it to better yourself and let it be something that is not a mainstay. Don’t live on it because this world is meant to be lived not numbed. I’m not sure what the next few weeks bring but I’m thankful to feel whatever the heck normal is again.





Day 1103 Depression medication? OMG Help me

7 02 2016

Thought I might get a blog in before the Superbowl starts. I wish I truly gave a crap about who won but I don’t. I’m ready for the commercials though. We had another Rock Bottom Outreach Sleeping bag handout yesterday. I love those events because yes we are helping others but I believe we get more out of it. I took my babies with me so one that get to see real life but also its good for them to do others. I got this amazing pic taken with them too makes my heart happy.

my family

If you have read my blog you know I have struggled with depression and it comes from about 3 generations back on both sides. I had been off of medication for about 2 years and then in October life started creeping in on me. I really struggled because I was so mad that I couldn’t control my feelings. I had anger, sadness, despair. I also had days where I was so happy and excited but the bad days out weighed the correct thoughts. I know depression is a chemical imbalance not that you’re weak or have problems being strong. Its something you can’t handle. With at one point going to commit suicide I decided I better get back on medication. I got on Lexipro and in about 4 days I felt so much better and after two weeks I didn’t feel much of anything. There were no lows but also no highs. I could have been on fire and all I would have thought is I should put that out (said in Ben Stein’s voice). I didn’t get angry, passionate sad, depressed, lovey, or anything. I was okay with it because nothing was bad but I like to have feelings. I like to experience life and I was walking in it but I was numb. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on and that’s not me.  Then came December 29th and my mom died. I was super sad but I was calm to calm for me. I thought maybe it was because my walk with God or just I had grown up.  3 weeks into this I had only cried 4 times. I thought about her all the time but I was just here in a black hole of nothing. I didn’t want to be just here I wanted to feel and feel deep. I knew though that if I got off it I would be in big trouble. I couldn’t have this hit me all at once. So Last Monday I called my Dr and asked if I could half my dosage. She said yes and knows me well so I did it. I started really feeling different yesterday. Feelings that I haven’t felt in 3 months came on. I thought, grieved, laughed and cried yesterday. Today I actually felt and heard the message at church. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I felt love for my kids I hadn’t had in a while. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had thoughts about my mom that I hadn’t in years. On the 11th of this month my dad will be gone for 11 years and I thought about what my parents were doing in heaven. Mostly I thought about where my life was and was I good enough.

It may not sound like it but I need to feel, I need to live, I need to experience this journey that I didn’t expect to happen. I believe many people and I know a few that feel the same way I do. They hate not feeling and they got off  the depression medicine. I can’t tell you what to do but know if you need medicine get on it and stay on it, but work your rear off while your on it to better yourself and let it be something that is not a mainstay. Don’t live on it because this world is meant to be lived not numbed. I’m not sure what the next few weeks bring but I’m thankful to feel whatever the heck normal is again.





Day 1017 Why depression has me now

10 11 2015

Im sorry for not blogging much lately which I will explain later. Thank you for those that have checked in on me. My family has depression that goes back at least two generations on each side. It’s hard to say it won’t happen to you until it does. Well welcome to my now and I’m not writing so you worry I’m just writing so you hopefully understand and will check on your friends and family. Life has plenty of ups and downs and the blues or sadness comes from that for sure but when you have depression sometimes there’s no reason. Here is definition:Sadness or downswings in mood are normal reactions to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but depression is much more than just sadness.Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don’t feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, or men in particular may even feel angry, aggressive, and restless.So here I am with really no good reason to be depressed. My life is pretty good and here I am though. I’m making it through the day by coaching my self up. I’ve been here before and now that I know what it is i know I have to get it under control or the mind spirals out of control. I feel lifeless, empty at times and then in turn that makes me mad or angry. People who have never dealt with depression will tell you, just suck it up or my Christian friends you’ve allowed the devil in your life just pray it away. I sigh and want to smack them. Thats not the way it works. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain and you have to help it. I went to the Dr last week and about to make the most about-face medical changes I have made in a while. I have to make changes to medications and change the way I eat. I also can’t isolate or stop living my life. Its a huge damper from where I’ve been to where Im at. Its frustrating, confusing and just stupid to feel this way but I do.This time of year is hard for so many people, especially the ones that put on a great show for you then go and hide inside themselves away from you. For me please keep praying I need all I can get but also look at your friends, ask questions. I know God can do anything but if I just sit here and do nothing, nothing is what I will get. Remember people who fight depression don’t want to feel this way and you can’t just snap your fingers and make it go away.

Source: Day 1017 Why depression has me now





Day 1017 Why depression has me now

9 11 2015

Im sorry for not blogging much lately which I will explain later. Thank you for those that have checked in on me.  My family has depression that goes back at least two generations on each side. It’s hard to say it won’t happen to you until it does. Well welcome to my now and I’m not writing so you worry I’m just writing so you hopefully understand and will check on your friends and family. Life has plenty of ups and downs and the blues or sadness comes from that for sure but when you have depression sometimes there’s no reason. Here  is definition:

Sadness or downswings in mood are normal reactions to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but depression is much more than just sadness.Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don’t feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, or men in particular may even feel angry, aggressive, and restless.

So here I am with really no good reason to be depressed. My life is pretty good and here I am though. I’m making it through the day by coaching my self up. I’ve been here before and now that I know what it is i know I have to get it under control or the mind spirals out of control. I feel lifeless, empty at times and then in turn that makes me mad or angry. People who have never dealt with depression will tell you, just suck it up or my Christian friends you’ve allowed the devil in your life just pray it away. I sigh and want to smack them. Thats not the way it works. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain and you have to help it. I went to the Dr last week and about to make the most about-face medical changes I have made in a while. I have to make changes to medications and change the way I eat.  I also can’t isolate or stop living my life. Its a huge damper from where I’ve been to where Im at. Its frustrating, confusing and just stupid to feel this way but I do.

This time of year is hard for so many people, especially the ones that put on a great show for you then go and hide inside themselves away from you. For me please keep praying I need all I can get but also look at your friends, ask questions. I know God can do anything but if I just sit here and do nothing, nothing is what I will get. Remember people who fight depression don’t want to feel this way and you can’t just snap your fingers and make it go away.





Day 913 All his strings broke

26 07 2015

You have those moments when parenting when you hear something that you didn’t know you would.  Before I get my kids back, I get nervous because I want to be a super dad but also please don’t let me mess up but every time I do which is okay and because of that this made my day: We were bringing all the their stuff inside from their moms and my son says: Daddy I want to be just like you, I want to be cool and funny like  you, have your cool haircut, get into a car accident and get out okay but most daddy I want to love you the way you love me and sister. I stopped in my tracks and I told him lets please not do the car wreck thing okay, but that means so much to me. I asked him to go inside I’ll be there in a second. I just cried there in the parking lot. Knowing my 6-year-old had those thoughts of me let me know no matter how many times I think I’m blowing it he doesn’t see me the way I see myself. I walked around with a little bigger chest than normal on Friday.

Since Thursday I received 3 phone calls from folks about I think I want to commit suicide. Side note: You want to serve God believe me he will give you ample opportunity. Most of the time people have had the talk with themselves but they truly don’t want to kill themselves they just want to know if their okay, if there going to be okay and what to do next. Ive learned what to say but mostly they are lonely and want to talk. Every time I hang up the phone I remember the day I was ready to end it all and better the world without me that takes me to last night. I went and saw Paper Towns and in the first 5 minutes of character development the two main charters are riding their bikes as young kids and there is a man who shot and killed himself. She goes up to the man and says it’s so sad. It later tells in the story he was a 36-year-old man who was getting a divorce and he couldn’t stand the burden or failure ( me). so he killed himself. She then looks at the other character and says all his strings broke. I was stunned because those are the words I had been searching for since that August day to explain how I felt.

If you have ever seen a piano or guitar with every string busted it’s a mess. Your thoughts are throw it away and start over. I felt at that moment in 2011 all of my strings were broke and its time to throw it away but with no starting over. When all your strings are broke there is no God at that moment, you see every mistake you, made worse than it really was, every emotion is sad and depressing, and every person you want to love you only sees you as a pathetic, nobody that will never change. We all know that is a truly a lie from the pits of hell but I promise if you’ve never been there its true and is only justified by the people who called me this week reaching out for help. It’s funny how blogs come together for me because Thursday since I’m a big strong guy people think I like helping them move heavy things. I’m always first on the list for some reason.  My buddy asked if I could come help move his piano from the living to the garage because he couldn’t fix all the strings and he was sending it out to get a remodel a guess. When we got it into the garage I lifted the lid about half the strings were busted and rolled up and the other strings were perfect. I asked him why he didn’t finish he just said he wasn’t good at it but they looked okay but sounded horrible. Then comes the movie. To see the strings that were all busted up and rolled up into ball or just hanging there looking worthless that was my life almost 4 years ago. To see what I used to think of myself but to see the other strings my buddy fixed that were in place, looked pretty good, but maybe didn’t sound perfect that is who Tyler Wood is now. Busted, bruised, rolled into a ball and supposedly worthless, have turned into a string that could be used, and when tuned properly make a beautiful sound when all the strings are finished the piano will probably sound better, work better and be used in a way it never would have. I finally found a metaphor that works for me and I have no idea how to play the piano but I know when its working and sounds good. I beg of you to let the brokeness of your life be found in a string of something for you. God did not make mistakes, you maybe lost right now, you might feel worthless, at your rock bottom, you may feel nothing is working out at all, but all your strings are not broken, they just need to be handed over to God for a little adjustment.





Day 85 Get real said Dr. Phil

28 03 2013

I didn’t mean to make the title rhyme I’m just that cool. I finally get my babies back tomorrow. They have been gone since Wednesday a week ago. It’s amazing how alive I feel when I have them. I honestly wonder how many changes a person can endure in a year. This was just my depression medication change, but what a butt kicking this has been. I was on one medication for two years and finally I felt it stopped working. Depression runs very deep in my family and no matter how happy or prayerful I am I have to be on the medication. I never have had to change medicines before so this has sucked. Anxiety, tired and irritable are a few of the emotions I’ve dealt with and you wonder why you take it but another week they said I would be normal. I laughed because I have never been that. So if I have ignored you or pissed you off I’m sorry.

I know Dr. Phil gets made fun of but the guy is good at what he does. His line that we will all know is “Get Real”. That can mean so many different things for different people ( Tell the truth, see its right in front of you, Tell them you love  them etc..) For me get real happened Tuesday of this week. Many times men get together and we just bull shit. We never talk about what means something, what we struggle with, what we fear, but Tuesday that happened from the last place I would have thought. I met with one of my Fraternity brothers that I hadn’t seen since 1998. In a fraternity you know everyone but not on an intimate level. He had been reading my blog and just asked to get together for lunch. what transpired in that 1.5 just continues to let me know I’m not an island and honestly it was a breath of fresh air. He had always been a good guy, some may say arrogant and closed off, but I can say my perception of him was blown out of the water. If anyone will listen I will tell you how bad of a screw up I was it only helps me to continue to heal. I never expect it back in return but I got it back and it was great. Once he knew where I was coming from he felt a connection and so did I. We talked about things that all the other men sitting around us probably thought we had lost it. We spoke loud and proud about God, the arrogance, the fear, the fake, the way we hurt our wives and the way we judged others.  I can honestly say that I can’t be more proud of the hell I have endured because otherwise I would never sat down with my brother. The biggest thought that came from this meeting was “Get Real when you do the truth will set you free”

It doesn’t matter how smart, good-looking, rich, famous you are. You an imperfect man and that’s okay. Your afraid, you don’t feel like God hears you, you never are enough.  If you don’t ever feel that way I got some other news for you.








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