Day 1678 What happened- is this real Mom

18 10 2017

Good afternoon peeps. It has finally cooled off and my mood is good. You can actually go outside  and not need a shower immediately. Pumpkin spice is in full roar. I think I got 87 Octane pumpkin spice gasoline yesterday. It’s good for horsepower or something.

Today my mom would have been 75 years old. I wanted something poetic or breathtaking to honor her I’m not sure this will do it. I can’t believe this is your 2nd birthday without you.

There is no shock today like last year. It has set in your gone. It is more real than I could imagine. I shed my tears today but there are more smiles too. Your impact on this word is missed but the impact on us cannot be put into words. I fight this life harder now because I know more than anything that’s what you wanted. I try everyday to make you proud and honor you by trying to be like you.

When I walked into your room that morning and saw you weren’t  breathing but peaceful I knew that you were in a much better place but we still needed you. You touched so many lives as a Grammie, teacher, friend, sister, aunt but what you did for Meagan and I could never be measured. You were my best friend, at times my punching bag, you loved me when no one else did, had a way with words that other person could, you never left my side, you had a way of getting through my stubborn head in a way nobody could.
Life has not been the same, I hear your voice in everyday life and when things get tough saying never quit. You were the most amazing creation from God. I wish today you were calling me to tell me all about the flowers we bought you and all the colors in them and smell the white diamonds perfume on you.
I know your watching us with a smile and probably cooking for everyone on your birthday because that’s who you are.
These words are not enough with tears streaming and a broken heart just know you were my everything. I love you mom and thank you.
Happy birthday Billie Louise Wood.

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Day 1629 Let’s run away

20 08 2017
School has started and I have a 10th grader and a 3rd grader. Either I’m getting old or time is passing to fast.  I know that seeing them grow up is a great feeling. Parenting is tough though. My Lord where is the manual?
We all want to run away.  Some people actually run they pack up, sell their home, and go somewhere that it will be”different”. Some people put on headphones and actually run hoping at the end of the mileage “its gone”. Some just get in the car and drive with no destination in site. Hoping when they return “its gone”. We spend hours, tears, new jobs, money, relationships, trying  to see if we can make sure “its gone”.
“Its gone” is us. Pastor TD  Jakes  says run from the garbage and people etc.. Run to what you want, problem is we usually run from the things we don’t want, not to what we do want.
I get people sending me things all the time and I was sent this:

There is no such thing as taking the right road, every time, but the road you take can turn into one you’re meant to be on. You choose whether to ‘stop’ along the way or keep going. Imperfection is part of everyone and is a part of decision making in life. Don’t let that mountain you’re traveling on crumble on top of you so that you can’t get back up. When that first rock falls, start to run and keep running until you are out of harm’s way. Stay away from the rubble.
What I take from this is that we have to be okay being imperfect! We cant run from that. We all want to be perfect and when we don’t lets run away. Now don’t get me wrong running away to break routine and getting a fresh thought is great but we have to run back.
My dad used to tell me when I was in high school that no matter where you go,  even the other end of the earth, everything will be the same because you are there. You can’t run away from you. Once the new of a person or area wheres off the person in the mirror is still you.
So run away but turn right back around because before you go trying to find this magic happiness and fulfillment stand in place and fix what is here. Then run but do it for fun quit trying to escape you because you are really great. I promise.




Day 1608 I mean, I just assumed…..

30 07 2017

You smell that outside! That’s football coming back and thank the Lord. It’s almost time to remember back when I was great and tell people and say I could have made that play Haha. Cowboys go to the super bowl for my predication for 41 years in a row.

Even when we tell someone what were thinking and feeling were wrong.  I mean I just assumed that’s what you meant. Really every time we assume we look like an a$$hole. Okay so out of 10 times we get something right 1 time. The reason assuming gets us in such a foot in the mouth situation is we assume based on our past experiences. So how in the world can we assume what someone else, feels, thinks, or acts based on our past. Even if its their past not situation in life is ever the same. I was the worlds worst assumer. I lived a lot of life so I thought I knew. We think because someone is a butthole we know why, I mean maybe their parent beat them everyday so they carry years of pain and suffering. Or that girl that gives herself to every guy we call her a whore but all she’s doing is searching for that one guy to finally love her because her daddy never did. Or why would she date him. Well maybe she fell in love with a real man who loves her and doesn’t use her. Or people assume that someone has it all together but can’t see himself and why. Maybe because he was raised to be a perfectionist, and he felt he failed at everything touched and you don’t just let that mentality go overnight (me). Or why someone quits going to church and believing in God. So we just say how horrible they are without every knowing the real reason.

My God, we are still learning about a significant other years after we marry, but we think we know, when we don’t. Bottom line when we assume we actually coming out looking the worst. I know intentions are usually good but until you ask then don’t run with anything in your head, that leads to running head first into a wall. Even when you think you know just ask. Otherwise you become part of the masses and when you do, take away the m and you become of those (the asses).

I assume you’ll like this blog. Hope you enjoyed!

 





Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.

 





Day 1566 Why didn’t you just ask

8 06 2017

Hello world: On Tuesday of this week I approved my book and it went to the printer. it took me 2.5 years to decided I was worth writing a book and anyone would read it. Yes Im excited but having it my hands will feel amazing. You better buy a copy pretty please.

Why? One of the most thought-provoking questions we can ask? On the other end is the answer. Sometimes its good and sometimes it’s not. So why do we stop asking Why as an adult. A few reasons I believe: We don’t care, the answer is going to hurt, we think we already know the answer. Little kids ask why all the time yes we get tired of hearing why and finally because we said so. That doesn’t stop them though.  Brian Dodge was a speaker I heard once and he said as an adult when we stop asking why our learning is over. How scary is that? So then we go to the famous art of assuming. Every time I assumed I was wrong. Do you remember the last time someone said Why didn’t you just ask me? You say I don’t know and walk away like why didn’t I just ask?

I’ll agree that when you ask sometimes the answer is awful. I asked my ex-wife when it was over do you love me anymore. She said no. My heart dropped to me knees I felt sick but I knew I needed to hear it. In college I asked a girl who was out of my league that I flirted with forever why wouldn’t you go out with me. She looked me in the eye and said I will you just have to ask me.

Why is  gathering wisdom, understanding, caring and respect. So the next time you don’t ask why just remember this is what you’re missing out on:

Showing someone you care, asking why is letting them you took time out for them their special, To eliminate confusion, To demonstrate humility to another, To enable a person to discover answers for themselves, To gain empathy through better understanding another’s view, To begin a relationship, To strengthen a relationship, To gain a person’s attention, To solve a problem.

Why you don’t ask these things are also possible: To find a culprit, To embarrass and shame, To appear superior, to create fear, To manipulate, To play the victim, as in, “Why is this happening to me?

Every time I don’t ask why I miss out on something. If you know me I ask a lot of questions not because I’m nosy but I care. I want to know you, I want to know what makes you tick, you’re special but I don’t know why until I know you. Its called conversation which I know is a dying art, but my best relationships are the ones where I know why and Im talking the dirty why too.

Why ask why. We need to know, someone needs to know you care. Love is asking why. Sometimes you don’t want to the but you might be pleasantly surprised what the answer really is.





Day 1555 My heart broke but it was about time

28 05 2017

Hello world is it me you’re looking for. Yes Lionel Richie on this Sunday because he was cool and I bond with him.  I have no thing more cool to say so on to the blog.

Have you ever seen or heard of a levee or damn that was about to break or needed to. Yes they need to break  because the only way to fix something is to watch it break open not  patch it. When it breaks open the destruction of many attempted patches and piece mealing is bad but it’s a necessary evil.  it may take years but eventually all things need to be released and new built.

It the past 2.5 years I’ve had 13 people die either who I ministered to, were an important part of my life or the worst one was my mom.  I also lost a relationship that I thought was going to be a marriage, and a few other things I’ll leave alone. You can get pretty jaded to the world and numb. Grief affects everyone differently. It could take years, to start the process, it could start immediately but first and foremost its going to happen. Nobody knows how to deal with their own grief much less yours. So they say something cliché because they are at a loss for words. The intentions are the best but they say they understand even when that can’t. So most people going through grief smile, say thank you and then live in their own personal internal hell when nobody else is around. Men are raised to be tough, hide your emotions, nose to the grind stone even when you know better you still try to be tough. For me I hate others to hurt, I would do anything to take away someone else’s pain even disguise mine like I am okay. Well…..

3 weeks ago after essentially 2.5 of years of pretending to be okay, numb, zombie like some days, angry others that I couldn’t save people or that how dare God take my mom. I smiled but didn’t feel the smile. Some days I hurt like a pain that wouldn’t go away, I would sit in the quite of my house and watch the ceiling fan spin with nothing in my mind, and other times 1000 thoughts every 30 seconds. People would ask, How are you? I would give I’m good, Im fine. What I wanted was someone to hold me, take a high-powered vacuum and suck my heart dry so I could start over but they don’t make that vacuum. I would talk to God, feel good some days others not so much. I would ask him to let me feel again. I know healing and grief is a process no matter how big or small the issue.

So 3 weeks ago I was mowing the yard, listening to music and I was like my God what is going on. I promise I was so weak I let go of the mower and hit my knees but not on purpose. My broken heart, for all the pain of life that either I tried to grieve or hadn’t,poured out on my lawn. I sat down on my butt and cried,  those tears that you wondering is this going to stop. I had so many thoughts cross my mind like those Hollywood moments where pictures flash  thorough so fast its blinding. It started the end of grieving had started. everything I hid, pushed aside, fought at or said wasn’t real spilled onto my shirt.  3 weeks I’ve cried everyday until yesterday. I feel relief but you can not grieve for 2.5 years and expect it to just go away. My heart that had been so broken for so many reasons has started the stitching and my healing is real. With that I hope I can start seeing some of the good things about myself that I miss because of the butt whoop in I put on myself.

Why write this blog: Somebody knows exactly what I feel or felt. They’ve been waiting for years or just moments to start grieving. God didn’t want us to carry this burden but he also knows we have to go through the process to heal not just band-aid the situation. Dont fight the process, it will come, in the mean time a lot can leave your life. When the heart starts breaking let the cut open and let that crap I know for me it was time.

Love you and tank you for reading always





Day 1544 Superman needs to wash his cape

17 05 2017

Hi Blog world well its Texas so you know its hot and humid. You walk outside after a shower you smell like a wet puppy and your pores look like clear plastic bowls. At least you can get a good tan and the smell of cooked bacon is rampant.

A sincere thank you for those who read my thoughts. To be honest it feels good when someone tell your thoughts, or being authentic and real helped me. Men don’t do what you do so you provide hope! When I die I hope the line is out the door and every person would say, he loved me, he was weird, honest, real and he provided me hope on my worst days. If that happens I left behind an amazing legacy. If I haven’t  yet I hope to do that soon.

Super man had a cape a pretty cool cape actually. Superman was 6th Halloween costume and when it was over I still wore the cape Sometimes I was clothed and sometimes I wasn’t but that’s another blog. The point is once I put that cape on I could do anything, I could fly, rescue my dog, bury my hot wheels deep in the dirt and find them, almost catch a squirrel, for 5 yards I was faster than a car. Point is with it on I could do anything it was my badge of honor. It had to be washed sometimes because it went everywhere with me and it went from  red to a dark brown. When I took it off I was just Normal Jason Tyler Wood. Nothing to save, no super hero, no one to cheer me on. So I needed the cape I thought.

10 years old my dad came to me and said son you’re the man of the family. I put on a permanent cape but I didn’t know it at the time. I put on a cape because my dad donated his to me. It was my badge, it was me rescuing everyone, me saving everything that need to be saved, me putting the world on my shoulders. A 10-year-old boy  trying to figure out a world but I didn’t even know how to shave. I wore it well though, my parents were proud of me told me I was doing a good job. I couldn’t let them down, I couldn’t take my cape off and wash it. I mean my family and world needed me. I couldn’t let myself down. This imaginary cape I was wearing my identity. I should be a 10 year old boy doing 10 year old boy stuff. I was busy trying to be responsible all the time, fixing adult problems and figuring out a way to get my family out of the hell it was in. At the same time developing an anger problem because I didn’t have the answers, fighting my way out of problems, loving people so they would love but knowing how to. I prayed people would like me and see what I was doing was awesome. They would shout my name to my greatness. I was creating the Tyler idol.

I could go through every year and tell you how I wore the cape without washing it,  how it was tattered, had holes in but I was going to retire it or even take it off. August 27th 2011 the cape fell without my wanting it to and I tried to take my life.  The cape and I ran out of answers. I looked at and wanted to put it back on but didn’t know how to tie it around my neck anymore. Who was I , I had no identity, my cape was destroyed but I didn’t know what to do without it.

The closer I’ve got to God I realize he’s my cape. I thought for the longest time he was my Kryptonite but I was so wrong. The problem is sometimes the 6-year-old boy comes out in me and I put on a cape. I try to rescue everything again, I want to save everything. I put everyone’s burden on me and then I trip over the cape.

I hope you get the story: I know to many people who wear capes everyday. Its tiring, it hurts and it makes life miserable. We weren’t meant to wear a cape, that’s for comic book hero’s.  Untie your cape, wash it, and put it in a nice box and store it. You don’t have to be Superman there’s  one superman and he will carry our cape.

No matter how strong you are it’s better to read about superman that carrying the burden of trying to be. This Halloween go as  adult superman and put on that cape enjoy it but then take it off and realize those days of pretending are over. Its time to live again.








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