Day 1957 My son started his warrior journey Saturday

21 10 2018

Long time no blog. Life has been about as roller coaster as it comes and I haven’t sat down to blog which I should have because it helps, but here is my beautiful typing fingers. I truly appreciate you reading.

Saturday my sons team suffered their first loss on their football season. He’s hard to block and so he got chopped blocked which means one kid goes high and one goes low. After the pile up my son was laying on the ground rolling around in pain. My stomach sank I went down to the fence and they pulled him up and he limped to the sideline. He came over to me and he showed me his shin and it was already bruised. He had tears and said dad this really hurts.If you have never hurt your shin it’s so painful

I did what an old athlete dad does.  I told him I know son it hurts and hurts bad, but you remember me telling you I’m raising you to be a warrior. This is part of  it. If you have to drag yourself, limp, whatever it team needs you to win. It’s a bruise and we can take care of it after the game but you have to fight through this.
My heart hurt for his pain but this not only was about a game, but life. He went back out and fought through it the whole game limping but played well. You could at times see he wanted to stop but being 10 and seeing him fight it was a proud moment for him.
Game was over he walked up to me and said I’m sorry dad. Son I could care less about the score, I’m so proud of you. He looked at me and said why we lost. It’s not the score,  but you should up, you fought when it hurt, You cried but you did it. He smiled and said yeah I did.
He doesn’t grasp what he did yesterday, but he will. Most importantly the score had nothing to do with what was learned yesterday. It my job to raise my son. with love, compassion, and grace but all of us have to rise up in our lives to be a warrior and believe we can overcome no matter how bad it hurts. Yesterday my son started the warrior journey just by not quitting. Raise your children up with the heart of warrior and watch Jesus use your child to raise other warriors.

 

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Day 1700 So I met this girl

9 11 2017

The journey after divorce is a roller coaster. That might be an understatement. I started out with 6 months of no dating and then I dated a lot and often. I knew within about 10 minutes of every date well this wont work. After divorce you know what you want and don’t want if you don’t you shouldn’t step into another relationship. So I learned, I got frustrated, I got hopeless then I got engaged. It was good then my mom died. I went from having one parent to no parents. I wasn’t the same, and it was difficult on her to. We parted ways and you realize people do come in for seasons and it never makes sense to me but that’s God way so we go with it. Then I met this girl!

KAS and T

Im big on smiles, I’ve learned that on my worse days seeing someone smile can change my mood. So I was on an online dating site wasting time really when I was without my kids and her smile popped up. I was like wow her smile is amazing and she is super hott! Then her first line was mom of 2 angels in Heaven and I was intrigued. So I went through the generic questions and finally just asked to text. I had to know what the 2 angels in Heaven meant. Never in a million years did I think I would hear that her ex-husband killer her 2 kids and then killed himself. To stay I was speechless was crazy but me being speechless is unheard of. So while Ill gathered my thoughts i asked generic questions trying not to cross any lines. I was expecting my mind to push away because Im really good at pushing away but especially in this situation. Something was pulling me to her and not pushing. Yes Im drawn to helping others but this was more of I could love her.

We went on a date and typically she is very shy she said and she wasn’t and she looked so amazing. I was enthralled in listening to her. Trying to understand her story, how she made it, how she didn’t take her life. I couldn’t get enough of listening to her. She is the strongest woman I know. She helps others and strives to make others lives better. Shes so funny, witty, a little bit of a smart arse, but mostly she accepts me. I’m a weird dude, who has an opinion, who loves everyone, whose striving to make my corner of life better, who wants to change stereotypes and excuses, but mostly I wanted someone to understand grief and the pain that I carry and accept it and love me through it. Don’t give up on me and see the greatness I carry. Mission accomplished!

I have never met someone so selfless, that loves at a depth I’ve never seen, I believe because of what she has lost she sees what others can’t. She reminds me so much of my mom, strong, would do anything for anyone, and loves at a depth I had never seen. Everyone loves her and that smile can light up the darkest places in the world.

I would say I’m lucky but I don’t believe in luck. I believe in blessings and you get what you deserve it maybe tomorrow or 40 years from now but Im blessed to find what I prayed for  sitting alone in my high school football stadium when I was 18 years old.

God willing we continue to grow together and take our stories to help change the world, but mostly that we love each other with a love that neither of us ever experienced.  So thank you Karen Ashley for being on this amazing journey, you help make my world a better place. I love you! Love never ends

 





Day 1511 Time heals all wounds- UMM No

13 04 2017

Happy Good Friday eve. Please take time and remember what Easter is all about. Kids mostly think it’s about a bunny, gifts and eggs. Just tell the story, your kids will understand one day. Enjoy your family. There are no promises for tomorrow.

I hear all the time Time heals all wounds. I want to define that persons definition of healed. Just like forgiveness you forgive but you never forget. In death, loss of a game, divorce, selling a home, memories, smells. You name it Time does not heal all wounds! When people give that advice they are very intended BUT Just sit back and in time you’ll no longer have the sadness, anguish, yearning, guilt, anger, and fear you’re feeling now. They’ll fade away, and you’ll be fine.  I mean how long is that time span where it will change, a month, 10 years, 50 years?

Yesterday at target an older lady walked by and  her perfume made me turn around it was White Diamonds the same perfume m mom work. Overwhelming sadness hit. You could also say it was a reminder of her that was positive. I didn’t ask for the feeling it just hit me. Anytime I smell a Marlboro cigarette it reminds me of my dad on Saturday mornings. That meant it was time to get up and go play sports. It may be a song, it may be an old road, but time doesn’t heal.

What I will tell you is,  It’s what you do with that time. You can pretend to shove all of the  junk in the back part of your brain. It’s still there, you didn’t hide it and something will trigger it and then what. You have to get help. You can bury yourself in work, family, drugs, alcohol but you can’t run fast enough from your self. It’s an endless game of tag that you always will lose. Time transforms how you have to deal with the wounds.  Time makes it easier to wait to cry until you get in the car. Time gives you some “good days” where you can better turn toward positive things or enjoy a good time or distract yourself with work, family, church etc..

The all mighty Counselor God will transform time, he will put us in places to heal but it’s not time. It’s what we do with that time. We are never alone  or isolated unless  we make that choice. Counseling, talking, crying, being real, letting go, admitting where we fall, not trying to understanding everything, loving others, support groups ….. Those things help time. Don’t be 80 years old trying to let go of a lifetime of pain while trying to gasp for a last breath. We never forget ,we just are able to deal with (it) if not time will eat us alive. Even the strongest crumble in TIME.





Day 1411 It cant be you

2 01 2017

Happy new year blog peeps. I can’t believe its 2017. When I graduated high school in 1994 making it the year 2000 seamed impossible, Now 17 years from that date. I’m here bald and better looking than before. Okay I’m bald at least.

Resolutions and all the other January not going to happen things is not why I’m writing this. I’m writing this to show you all the crap we believe we can’t do and here is my list to show why I can. Im just a normal guy like you. You have over come as much or more than me. Please list what you have overcome and stop for the love of God telling yourself why you can’t or you live in fear.

I was thinking the last 2 weeks about why I’m not exactly where I want to be in my life. I don’t say can’t but if it’s not happening I must not believe it. So I started listing out these things in my life:

I started out in life with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck and came out feet first.
I had a blood disorder for 8 weeks and bleed out of my eye and ear.
Diarrhea for 11 weeks as a baby
My first concussion and 12 stitches above my eye at 5.

My dad and I almost drowned at the lake at 6 years old after our boat flipped over
7 years old broke my orbital bone under my left eye wont be able to see  Everything was blury for 6 months.
Broke my femur in the growth plate my leg stopped growing, 2 weeks later bone was growing wrong had to re-brake and reset. He wont play sports again
Got an infection month 6 into the bone healing and fever got to 107 I almost died.
My dad became disabled in 8th grade and never worked again. All Christmas presents and anything of value we had was pawned or taken from us
9th grade 2 scopes on my knee
10th grade had my left legged shortened to match my right by 2.5 inches I would never play sports again
11th grade total reconstruction of my knee
Dreams shattered because I was injury prone colleges didn’t want me.
Left one college to the next to try to  catch the answers when I was the answer.
19 Years old beaten up so bad lost 2 pints of blood
2 abortions
21 years old The girl I loved left me
27 years old total reconstruction of my left knee
29 years old my dad dies
35 years old business and personal bankruptcy
Lost my business
Lost my best friend
Lost full custody of my kids
36 years old lost my marriage
36 years old Lost my house, dignity, and my life, all hopes and dreams shattered
36 years old tried to take my life
40 years old lost my best friend and unconditional love in my life my mom.

WHEN I LOOK AT THIS LIST SAYING CANT IS A LIE FROM THE PITS OF HELL. I CAN AND HAVE. AS YOU PLAN FOR 2017 LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE OVERCOME AND SEE YOU CAN!! YOU CAN! YOU CAN! LIFE WON A FEW BATTLES BUT WITH GOD WE ARE WINNING THE WAR!
NOTHING STOPS US EXCEPT US. RISE UP AND BE WHO YOU WERE INTENDED TO BE. NO EXCUSES BECAUSE LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!





Day 1121 Day 1119 The ghost I can’t catch

26 02 2016

Good evening from Durango Colorado.  After my mom passed away I didn’t take any time off so with two of my best buddies we are going to get away, snowboard, and enjoy the great outdoors. Nothing brings you back to what this life was created for than being in the great outdoors.

I’ve been in Counseling since September 2011 I’m so thankful I put my pride down and decided to make the life changing decision. It started so I could figure out why I wanted to take my life. From that moment on I learned about anger, worth, love, forgiveness, starting over, God, parenting. I could go on but mostly I learned to become a changed man. I thirsted for the knowledge, I couldn’t get enough, some of it was the worst feelings I have ever had. I wanted to quit, I wanted to run away, I wanted to give up, thankfully here I am.  I call this journey because of the peaks and valleys. I’ve never had a real even kill time since I started counseling. Then my mom dies in December and I knew I had to dig deeper in counseling and find out this emptiness I’ve had for about two years. With all the interceptive thoughts going along with my grief I kept asking myself why, why do you feel this way about yourself? Why can’t you get over this hill? Then this past Tuesday I counseling comes with only 10 minutes left in my session… Please don’t feel pity, or say something generic. I’m trying to be real to help me and maybe someone else!!

Brian I’ve been a failure at everything I touched and I mean everything. It’s the first time in my life I verbally said that. I think I thought it but no way I would say it. I started listing my failures, from sports, friendships, marriage, business, parenting, my personnel finances, addiction, sex etc.. With those thoughts I could never be truly happy or feel worthy. Brian my counselor looks at me and said you have to go back again and fix that. Go back where to what. I already forgave my dad. He was what I blamed, for everything wrong. So what do you mean. I said I struggle with love to. I feel like I don’t do it well and I struggle to receive it.  So with one minute left in the session he said I don’t know where you need to go to start but you have to.

Walked to my car sat down and wanted to throw up. All I could say is are you fing serious all of this and I left something in the rear view that I didn’t cleanup. I wanted to cry but I was to angry. I had a very brief conversation with God that a little something like you can Kiss my … God. AS I drove to an apt for work I sat there thinking this issue is like a ghost. You can see a ghost but you go to grab it and there’s nothing there. Yes, I know I can pray and have but God wants me to put the work in too. I’m fighting a ghost and even though I consider myself a pretty scrappy fighter this one I’m at a loss on now.

You might be fighting something too that seems like a losing cause. All I know If I can overcome so many of my demons this will fall to it just doesn’t come in my time. Here’s to sitting and listening and taping up these weather beaten and bruised hands for another round with me.





Day 982 This just needs to be easy

6 10 2015

Had an amazing time yesterday at the State fair of Texas. Its rides, games, car show, animals and so much fried food you become a can of grease. I highly recommend you go and try a bit of it all. Its proof that we as a human race can still be creative and bloated.  I think the fried Frito pie was my favorite and the friend Oreo for desert. Well here’s to another year off of my life.

If you listen to people and conversations a lot they really aren’t they different especially when it comes to being easy. Why can’t this just be easy, why do I have to learn the hard way. If it was just easy I wouldn’t do it again. Heres a good piece of advice. Whatever in your life is easy, leaves easy and we never learn from it being easy. Go ahead I’m waiting. Please tell me what in your life that you learned from that was easy. Or tell me when something came so easy also how easy it left you. We learn through our pain and perseverance. If I could just win the lottery. Those that win 88% of them are bankrupt in 5 years. You have to have some money and lose it so you learn to appreciate it. You have to never have had any money so when you get it maybe you learn to keep it. I didn’t learn how to become a good parent because I was one. I learned from being a horrible parent, it was hard and then I learned.

When we beat someone in whatever sport and it was easy I didn’t learn anything except how to be fat and sassy. It was when the rug was pulled out from me, or I made a mistake, or we took another team to light and we got beat. It’s in the midst or pain, blood, and tears that we learn that life is hard but we learn to overcome. When we learn that life is never going to hand us something and if it does run because that’s a poison dart.

I got asked Thursday night how did you get close to God. Honestly I took credit for all the good and blamed God for all the bad. I essentially gave God my middle finger. When it was easy was because I worked for it and I deserved it. When things were hard I blamed God. Since he always knows best he knew that I was too stubborn to have something easy given to me and I would screw it up. So he let me have my free will until it got so hard I had no choice but to learn the hard way.

Easy come, easy go! I’ve learned through the pain and sad to stay I still do but I’m getting a little wiser. I think age and my heart, mind and body remember the pain. Don’t ask for it to be easy, ask God to teach you the lesson necessary so you don’t repeat or that’s exactly what we will do.





Day 982 This just needs to be easy

5 10 2015

Had an amazing time yesterday at the State fair of Texas. Its rides, games, car show, animals and so much fried food you become a can of grease. I highly recommend you go and try a bit of it all. Its proof that we as a human race can still be creative and bloated.  I think the fried Frito pie was my favorite and the friend Oreo for desert. Well here’s to another year off of my life.

If you listen to people and conversations a lot they really aren’t they different especially when it comes to being easy. Why can’t this just be easy, why do I have to learn the hard way. If it was just easy I wouldn’t do it again. Heres a good piece of advice. Whatever in your life is easy, leaves easy and we never learn from it being easy. Go ahead I’m waiting. Please tell me what in your life that you learned from that was easy. Or tell me when something came so easy also how easy it left you. We learn through our pain and perseverance. If I could just win the lottery. Those that win 88% of them are bankrupt in 5 years. You have to have some money and lose it so you learn to appreciate it. You have to never have had any money so when you get it maybe you learn to keep it. I didn’t learn how to become a good parent because I was one. I learned from being a horrible parent, it was hard and then I learned.

When we beat someone in whatever sport and it was easy I didn’t learn anything except how to be fat and sassy. It was when the rug was pulled out from me, or I made a mistake, or we took another team to light and we got beat. It’s in the midst or pain, blood, and tears that we learn that life is hard but we learn to overcome. When we learn that life is never going to hand us something and if it does run because that’s a poison dart.

I got asked Thursday night how did you get close to God. Honestly I took credit for all the good and blamed God for all the bad. I essentially gave God my middle finger. When it was easy was because I worked for it and I deserved it. When things were hard I blamed God. Since he always knows best he knew that I was too stubborn to have something easy given to me and I would screw it up. So he let me have my free will until it got so hard I had no choice but to learn the hard way.

Easy come, easy go! I’ve learned through the pain and sad to stay I still do but I’m getting a little wiser. I think age and my heart, mind and body remember the pain. Don’t ask for it to be easy, ask God to teach you the lesson necessary so you don’t repeat or that’s exactly what we will do.








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