Day 1095 What I learned from being Shallow

29 01 2016

AC comes back on this weekend  as we reach 80 on Sunday. I know people are so happy but those same people complain about their allergies and bugs you can’t have them both people!! Oh I also want a blizzard just one time not the kind at Dairy Queen but where you can make real snowmen.

If I typed this out and said I wasn’t shallow almost my whole life that would be a huge lie. Sure guys are more physical creatures blah blah but I was worse. Looks were actually the only thing I cared about. Oh sure I would tell the girl all the stuff I was supposed to but honestly it was physical. I told “her” every chance I had how beautiful she was and sure she liked but what about who she was. The reason you either fall in or out of love with someone. The make or break stuff. Well I knew it but I never explained it. The way I was raised or maybe I forgot to but I didn’t get Tyler you are this and that. I did get I’m proud of you but I never knew why really. So in my marriage or dating life before my marriage I was always so astounded when I complimented your looks but never told you about the important things and “she complained” I would always tear her down real well with what I didn’t like but I never filled her heart with the things that mattered. It was either I didn’t want to, didn’t know how to, or just wouldn’t.

Last year my daughter I was talking to her and told her I’m so proud of you Morgan and she asked me why. She had never done that. I always tell her everyday shes beautiful. I just told her because she was my daughter. Guess what that’s not enough!! I went into counseling and talked about it and started reading online. If we don’t want to be superficial and don’t want our kids to focus on looks then we have to teach them that. We also have to teach adults that. True there must be physical attraction if your going to date , what about what you want to find in someone. What about just a friendship. If you’re building up someone telling them all the great things about them ,they will begin to believe it. If all we concentrate on is looks then that’s all we will find. Have you ever met someone who is beautiful and after getting to know them they became just an ugly human. Or you meet someone and say they are cute  and then you get to know them and your eyes open and you see them so beautiful.

For me I’m the second. I’m cute but once you get to know me your like why isn’t he on chubby GQ. lol. I have a great responsibility to my kids and anyone in my circle to  tell them they physically look good but also what makes them so special. If we spend more time telling others to find the beautiful person inside then our relationships become more lasting and fulling.

If you have never watched Shallow Hal go rent it download it or whatever we do nowadays. I was Jack Black in the movie. If your relationships are failing then try find the beauty inside. I’ve worked so hard to let my kids know their inner beauty and it’s still a struggle because all of theirs lives I just concentrated on the outside. Especially with girls and women, society all ready beats them up enough about their looks its time for men to make a stand and teach them what matters. Relationships and marriages didn’t fail because of looks they failed because you never knew what to look for and when the newness of the looks faded you were like crap I don’t like this person. Take it from a recovering Shallow Hal looks matter but its the ones inside that last forever.





Day 1090 Why people make the difference

24 01 2016

Tonight my sister and I got together with our kids. It was the first time all of us had been together since my mom passed. We laughed at all of my moms quirks, we were sad that this was the first time we were together as a family and the glue that kept it that way wasn’t there. As our kids shared memories dust kept flying in my eye and causing water to fall out :). AS the grieving process is almost a month old I have kept my sanity because of the people in my life.

Society and the news say all people have changed and my response is duh that’s what life is about. People are still amazing. They still take time out to check on you, send a card that was handwritten, send a message through Facebook or call you and tell you cut the crap and pour out your heart. I have friends that can compare life because it’s happened to them. People still love but I truly believe this. The more you pour out the more you give. Since I’ve spent 4  years changing my life to what God wanted which is to love the unlovable I definitely have gotten in back in my hardest time in life.

Last night driving to a concert a got a text saying please call my son and help him he’s in a bad place. That usually means relapse or suicide. I didn’t call for 2 hours because honestly I didn’t want to. I hoped the lady would understand that I was hurting and needed a break. Then I remembered in my pain people didn’t turn there back on me most never want to reach out because its uncomfortable and really what do you say?

I made the call and mostly I let the guy know somebody even a complete stranger loved him and wanted to help relief the pain.  I hung up and felt better that through my crap I cared enough to try to help and make a difference.

I say that to say this. Every person that has messaged, called, texted, mailed something ,mattered. When you take time out to offer a hello, I love you, your on my mind, it matters. You  make a difference. Loving the unlovable or loving the brokenhearted is what life is about. Don’t stop. When you have that pull at your heart, don’t let the world or your small circle beliefs keep you from blessing someone.

People are still amazing and you don’t have to search that far. Actually you probably just texted someone who is amazing.  Until next time!!





Day 1084 That’s what love is

18 01 2016

As a blogger you write mostly what interests you but at the same time you hope your reader truly enjoys it. Then sometimes you write because you need it. You want to write so you can come back and feel moments in your life, see how far you’ve come or just what in the world was in your brain at that time. I write tonight for me. It’s just some of my thoughts that I’ve had and discussed  in counseling.

Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is ….. LOVE! My mom was love in every sense of the word. It just exuded  out of her. Tough, physical, mental, emotional she was all of that. She was my example and now a realization has hit. I was talking to my counselor Brian before Thanksgiving and  told him in my life women have never loved me except my mom. Sure I had 2 long relationships then a 14 year marriage but those women never loved ME! They loved who I was going to become or what I could do for them but never the love I deserved or should have received. Before I go on this isn’t “poor Tyler” or God loves you Tyler. I know that. God did put us on this earth and he did say again Faith, Hope and Love and the greatest is LOVE.

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and will until the day I die but I do know what love is, I exude it, I give it and I express it in whatever way you need it, but now mine is gone. Sure I was a mamas boy but it was to easy not to be. I realized tonight on a 5.5 hr drive home that I could live to be 100 and never feel that love again. Not just because she was my mom but that’s how she loved. I could write for 5 more hours about how my mom loved but I ll just give a few that hit me tonight.

After my dad became disabled things got horrible but my mom made sure we stood tall. I remember this piggy bank It was of a basset hound it was full of money. She brought me in my room and gave me a little hammer and said son we need this money now but lets break this bank together. We sat on the floor and with tears running down her eyes I asked why do we have to do this. She said because life isn’t always fair but you make the best of it. I said now what? She said now we love each other more than we ever have because we need it.

My sophomore year of high school when all hell had broke loose in our family and  things were being pawned and life was unbearable. I had to have an operation to shorten my left leg. Dr. came into my room the day after the surgery and looked at us and said he’ll never walk right and again and sports is out of the question. My mom said well sir you don’t know my son but I do and your wrong. When the dr left the room she turned around to me and looked me in the eye and said you will be do everything you ever wanted to do because I know you, I had you and I love you. Now get your ass out of bed and let’s go to physical therapy. She was at ever physical therapy appt with her own brand of encouragement and the kiss on the cheek at the end. 6 months later I was cleared to play football again.

I told this at my mom’s Eulogy. The night before I attempted suicide I called my mom and to shorten the conversation I told her life had become too much and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told her that I wouldn’t do anything stupid (which was a lie) but I didn’t know which way was up. She didn’t lecture me at all. She paused so long I said mom are you still there. She said son what your feeling is temporary, I know you’re hurting but you will get through this. She said only God can fix this. She then called me by my whole name Jason Tyler Wood I love you.  Good night son! The next day the attempt failed. I was so embarrassed it took me a week to call her and tell what I had tried. She said I know son. When I hung up with you I yelled to God to save my son because I can’t. That is what love is. When you have no idea you reach to the one who does.

As I struggle and pray to feel the love my mom showed me. I know that there is no one else like her. I miss her like crazy and know that she was truly proud of the man I had become today.





Day 1084 That’s what love is

17 01 2016

As a blogger you write mostly what interests you but at the same time you hope your reader truly enjoys it. Then sometimes you write because you need it. You want to write so you can come back and feel moments in your life, see how far you’ve come or just what in the world was in your brain at that time. I write tonight for me. It’s just some of my thoughts that I’ve had and discussed  in counseling.

Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is ….. LOVE! My mom was love in every sense of the word. It just exuded  out of her. Tough, physical, mental, emotional she was all of that. She was my example and now a realization has hit. I was talking to my counselor Brian before Thanksgiving and  told him in my life women have never loved me except my mom. Sure I had 2 long relationships then a 14 year marriage but those women never loved ME! They loved who I was going to become or what I could do for them but never the love I deserved or should have received. Before I go on this isn’t “poor Tyler” or God loves you Tyler. I know that. God did put us on this earth and he did say again Faith, Hope and Love and the greatest is LOVE.

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and will until the day I die but I do know what love is, I exude it, I give it and I express it in whatever way you need it, but now mine is gone. Sure I was a mamas boy but it was to easy not to be. I realized tonight on a 5.5 hr drive home that I could live to be 100 and never feel that love again. Not just because she was my mom but that’s how she loved. I could write for 5 more hours about how my mom loved but I ll just give a few that hit me tonight.

After my dad became disabled things got horrible but my mom made sure we stood tall. I remember this piggy bank It was of a basset hound it was full of money. She brought me in my room and gave me a little hammer and said son we need this money now but lets break this bank together. We sat on the floor and with tears running down her eyes I asked why do we have to do this. She said because life isn’t always fair but you make the best of it. I said now what? She said now we love each other more than we ever have because we need it.

My sophomore  of school when all hell had broke loose in our family and  things were being pawned and life was unbearable. I had to have an operation to shorten my left leg. Dr. came into my room the day after the surgery and looked at us and said he’ll never walk right and again and sports is out of the question. My mom said well sir you don’t know my son but I do and your wrong. When the dr left the room she turned around to me and looked me in the eye and said you will be do everything you ever wanted to do because I know you, I had you and I love you. Now get your ass out of bed and let’s go to physical therapy. She was at ever physical therapy appt with her own brand of encouragement and the kiss on the cheek at the end. 6 months later I was cleared to play football again.

I told this at my mom’s Eulogy. The night before I attempted suicide I called my mom and to shorten the conversation I told her life had become too much and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told her that I wouldn’t do anything stupid (which was a lie) but I didn’t know which way was up. She didn’t lecture me at all. She paused so long I said mom are you still there. She said son what your feeling is temporary, I know you’re hurting but you will get through this. She said only God can fix this. She then called me by my whole name Jason Tyler Wood I love you.  Good night son! The next day the attempt failed. I was so embarrassed it took me a week to call her and tell what I had tried. She said I know son. When I hung up with you I yelled to God to save my son because I can’t. That is what love is. When you have no idea you reach to the one who does.

AS I struggle and pray to feel the love my mom showed me. I know that there is no one else like her. I miss her like crazy and know that she was truly proud of the man I had become today.

 

 





Day 1077 You’re never ready

11 01 2016

Thank God I got my kids back on Friday.  I needed some normalcy and no matter what they make me laugh even my teenager daughter.  My son and I took this selfie where we were both smiling. Its been a while since I have so I’m sharing it because for a bit I was happy even missing my mom.

Daddy and B

No matter what happens in life your never ready. Even when preparing for it your not ready. I wasn’t ready for my mom to die. To be honest I have never been more shocked by anything in my life. I never expected to get that call in my worst nightmares. If you go back 11 years when my dad passed away I stayed in a defensive position for 7 years. I never changed anything. I was so beaten and broken by own crap I just kept accepting my own excuses,  and everything that happened to me was someone elses fault. I used my dad’s death as an excuse to be a crappy person  and stayed that way.

After being here almost two weeks out from my mom passing away I know what I have to do is move forward. Please don’t think I m not telling myself or anyone else to grieve because believe me I am. I wouldn’t ever tell anyone that. I’ve had two days since she died that I stopped because I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other. My mom who was my rock, my closest friend, was gone. I stopped and cussed God, I cried tears I have never had in my life but I kept moving forward. My mom taught me and would expect me to do that. She taught me to never quit, no matter how bad life was kicking my butt. I always hear her echo to me never quit or I’ll kick your butt do you understand.

I’m writing this to tell you that I’m hurting you may never know when you see me but I’m a ball of knots and what the heck is going on. My relationship with God is something that I know more  now than ever is real. I don’t feel forsaken, I don’t feel he left me. I do feel upset, sad, disappointed heartbroken but I also feel peaceful, hopeful and loved and after my dad passed I never felt that.

There are never perfect conditions to move forward and I mean never. I do know my limitations of who I am and if I stay stuck in them or feel sorry myself everyday I know where I can end up. Ive done it before. Whatever life is throwing at you move forward, never give up. It may not feel right but take the moments you need to grieve, or just breathe but please don’t give up.

To the 5 people who have checked on my either every day or every other day I may not be able to put into words right now how much you have helped me but I love you and appreciate you.





Day 1077 You’re never ready

10 01 2016

Thank God I got my kids back on Friday.  I needed some normalcy and no matter what they make me laugh even my teenager daughter.  My son and I took this selfie where we were both smiling. Its been a while since I have so I’m sharing it because for a bit I was happy even missing my mom.

Daddy and B

No matter what happens in life your never ready. Even when preparing for it your not ready. I wasn’t ready for my mom to die. To be honest I have never been more shocked by anything in my life. I never expected to get that call in my worst nightmares. If you go back 11 years when my dad passed away I stayed in a defensive position for 7 years. I never changed anything. I was so beaten and broken by own crap I just kept accepting my own excuses,  and everything that happened to me was someone elses fault. I used my dad’s death as an excuse to be a crappy person  and stayed that way.

After being here almost two weeks out from my mom passing away I know what I have to do is move forward. Please don’t think I m not telling myself or anyone else to grieve because believe me I am. I wouldn’t ever tell anyone that. I’ve had two days since she died that I stopped because I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other. My mom who was my rock, my closest friend, was gone. I stopped and cussed God, I cried tears I have never had in my life but I kept moving forward. My mom taught me and would expect me to do that. She taught me to never quit, no matter how bad life was kicking my butt. I always hear her echo to me never quit or I’ll kick your butt do you understand.

I’m writing this to tell you that I’m hurting you may never know when you see me but I’m a ball of knots and what the heck is going on. My relationship with God is something that I know more  now than ever is real. I don’t feel forsaken, I don’t feel he left me. I do feel upset, sad, disappointed heartbroken but I also feel peaceful, hopeful and loved and after my dad passed I never felt that.

There are never perfect conditions to move forward and I mean never. I do know my limitations of who I am and if I stay stuck in them or feel sorry myself everyday I know where I can end up. Ive done it before. Whatever life is throwing at you move forward, never give up. It may not feel right but take the moments you need to grieve, or just breathe but please don’t give up.

To the 5 people who have checked on my either every day or every other day I may not be able to put into words right now how much you have helped me but I love you and appreciate you.





Day 1071 My mom’s Eulogy

4 01 2016

Thank you so much for the outpouring of support for my family. I had no idea what a whirlwind was until now.  On Saturday we buried my beautiful mother. The ceremony was amazing, beautiful and I believe it’s exactly what my mom would have wanted. One of my closet Brian Hackney officiated along with myself. My amazing daughter also got up and through her tears read her amazing thoughts. I was so proud of her and her courage when she was so scared. Then my sister found the courage to speak. I honestly thought she wouldn’t be able to but man she did such an amazing job and spoke so much of her heart. I then got my opportunity and I took a deep breath and choked back tears then started and that’s all I can remember. I wish I could tell you more or I was lying to you but I honestly can’t remember anything. I know God took  over because I was so worried about not being able to honor my mother and I’m always so hard on myself it’s probably better that way.

When I sat down and Brian closed you with an amazing message I told myself what happened. I had a few more tears then it was time to be strong again. I felt so disappointed in myself for not knowing how I did. Then people started telling many so many things about how great it was. I’ve received messages since Saturday and they were so touching. I’m not telling you this so I can look at me but to show you another example in the midst of so much pain and loss God is and was there. One of my  dear friends sent this to me today and I thought  I would share. It made my heart feel good and she would have been honest with me good or bad but maybe in my healing I needed to hear this:

First of all, I thought your choice of Brian to officiate was excellent.  He brought in a very real and relatable message that is sometimes missing at funerals.  I loved how he spoke, but didn’t preach.  I thought the message of grieving and being supportive of the family was just perfect.
Now to you…  I have never heard a better remembrance than the one you gave of your mom.  I am in awe of how you were able to speak in the first place, but even on top of that, your words and stories brought a mix of grief, humor, and love that created a powerful testimony to who she was and also to who you are.
Though I have thought it before and said it before, you have such a gift of speaking.  And to be able to represent that gift in your own Mom’s funeral testifies to your gift.  I have never seen you speak in person before; I was absolutely moved by the presence you project.  I can only imagine how that presence comes out when you are in a different setting.  I think perhaps when your mom saw you speak and give your testimony, she was moved by your natural gitftedness as much as your story.  God has plans for you Tyler… big plans.  There is something so special and inspiring in your voice, your manner, and your story.
Believe in yourself.  You are well worth believing in!
As I blog to heal and get my thoughts down so I can go back and read them so I can see where I was. I also hope that  they help you and  someone else. The emptiness is something I never felt, I feel like a ghost just floating alone, hoping I could call my mom or she’s going to call me but realizing that shes not. I love you all so much and pray that this new journey is one you will walk with me.







iksperimentalist

a collision of science and comedy

This is My Story, This is My Song.

This is my journey with faith, love, acceptance, redemption through God's incredible grace and mercy!

Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective

I cheated. Yip I did it, I am not proud of it, but that won't change a thing. This is my story of me trying to survive one day at a time. No guarantees....

Sound of Silence

There is a better place than this silence

The Time Lock

photos by amsang

simple Ula

I want to be rich. Rich in love, rich in health, rich in laughter, rich in adventure and rich in knowledge. You?

%d bloggers like this: