Day 1986 Don’t read this blog because Im just whining today

20 11 2018

This is going to be  a tad bit long, and real, but if you are one of these people STOP READING NOW: You got life figured out, you always have the right answer, if every one of yours prayers are answered, the person in the mirror always answers all of your questions, you never struggle with any addiction, depression, loneliness, anxiety, money issues. If you trust God everyday and never doubt him, or when you give it to God its gotten,

Im writing this today so you understand what real is, not what we choose to put on social media, or life about when someone asks how’s everything going. I know we can always put a positive spin on everything and usually I do but I’m talking to those who struggle and feel alone.

 

4 weeks out of the year depression gets me. It usually lasts a week out of a time , which means 11 months out of the year I do pretty, anxiety creeps up on me, money issues grab me all of that is now. Everyone has money issues if you have money or you have money. It’s all spins just differently. Most of the people reading this are Christians, you can send me scripture, or tell me to give it to God, say this to shall pass. And guess what I know what! I get it. I’ve been a Christian since I was 7. I’m talking about when you said and done all the right things and the pain is there, Why did my engagement ended 2 years ago, why did it not workout with a woman I waited for, why do people die that shouldn’t and people who should don’t (yes I’m judging), Why do people hurt other people (yes I know the answer Im typing out loud), Why do I lay in my bed at night knowing Im a great man hear so much silence,, and now I can count the ceiling fans even as they turn. When I speak to the man in the mirror, he lies, but I believe the lies. Even though  it’s not my fault when I try to help someone but they blow their head off anyway well its not my fault. I know its not but the shit hurts.

Why do complicate life so much that when we get to heaven God says really you thought that day I gave you a flat tire because I wanted to punish you. Don’t you think I have more to do than that. Someone asks I cheated on my wife what I do, First of all stop, go tell her and deal with the consequences. (I can’t do that) well you’re screwed then.  I get depressed it runs deep in my family, I’m there now and I get told just get up. Of shit wait a minute let me run over to that get off my ass switch that I missed and flip it on. How about when you ask me how Im doing I lie and tell you how Im doing I say good and so I don’t hear some dumb response because now you will feel uncomfortable if I told you the truth.

You see I’m a good man, Christian, daddy, friend. I just hurt like you do. Doesn’t make me weak, doesn’t make me less than a man than I was. Im real, Im honest, I try to help, motivate, lift you up on a daily basis because believe me the messages I get from people they are wanting real, and not to feel like they are alone. So as you have that pill to get through that Christmas part, or that drink to take the edge off, or gossip about someone to make you feel better, or you give thoughts and prayers but you forget to actually pray just stop, think I have been there in my life and I might just want to be careful before I put my magic wands of bullshit out there.

 

So there you go. Im struggling now. That’s real, raw and honest. I would tell you that I don’t care what you think but that’s what people tell others  that care what they think. I love you people and Im sure I will get a bunch of wth is wrong with you, or he’s losing it. Nope I wrote this because I know at 1 person needs this. Were all going to be okay I know , I know. That doesn’t stop the pain today. So judge if you want, people judge can’t stop it just know the pain of the world is deep and we can all cover the bullshit with leaves but you’re going to step in it sooner or later.

 

Just try to love, be real, and quit trying to cover up life with BS. This to shall pass lol.

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Day 1017 Why depression has me now

10 11 2015

Im sorry for not blogging much lately which I will explain later. Thank you for those that have checked in on me. My family has depression that goes back at least two generations on each side. It’s hard to say it won’t happen to you until it does. Well welcome to my now and I’m not writing so you worry I’m just writing so you hopefully understand and will check on your friends and family. Life has plenty of ups and downs and the blues or sadness comes from that for sure but when you have depression sometimes there’s no reason. Here is definition:Sadness or downswings in mood are normal reactions to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but depression is much more than just sadness.Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don’t feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, or men in particular may even feel angry, aggressive, and restless.So here I am with really no good reason to be depressed. My life is pretty good and here I am though. I’m making it through the day by coaching my self up. I’ve been here before and now that I know what it is i know I have to get it under control or the mind spirals out of control. I feel lifeless, empty at times and then in turn that makes me mad or angry. People who have never dealt with depression will tell you, just suck it up or my Christian friends you’ve allowed the devil in your life just pray it away. I sigh and want to smack them. Thats not the way it works. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain and you have to help it. I went to the Dr last week and about to make the most about-face medical changes I have made in a while. I have to make changes to medications and change the way I eat. I also can’t isolate or stop living my life. Its a huge damper from where I’ve been to where Im at. Its frustrating, confusing and just stupid to feel this way but I do.This time of year is hard for so many people, especially the ones that put on a great show for you then go and hide inside themselves away from you. For me please keep praying I need all I can get but also look at your friends, ask questions. I know God can do anything but if I just sit here and do nothing, nothing is what I will get. Remember people who fight depression don’t want to feel this way and you can’t just snap your fingers and make it go away.

Source: Day 1017 Why depression has me now





Day 1017 Why depression has me now

9 11 2015

Im sorry for not blogging much lately which I will explain later. Thank you for those that have checked in on me.  My family has depression that goes back at least two generations on each side. It’s hard to say it won’t happen to you until it does. Well welcome to my now and I’m not writing so you worry I’m just writing so you hopefully understand and will check on your friends and family. Life has plenty of ups and downs and the blues or sadness comes from that for sure but when you have depression sometimes there’s no reason. Here  is definition:

Sadness or downswings in mood are normal reactions to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but depression is much more than just sadness.Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don’t feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, or men in particular may even feel angry, aggressive, and restless.

So here I am with really no good reason to be depressed. My life is pretty good and here I am though. I’m making it through the day by coaching my self up. I’ve been here before and now that I know what it is i know I have to get it under control or the mind spirals out of control. I feel lifeless, empty at times and then in turn that makes me mad or angry. People who have never dealt with depression will tell you, just suck it up or my Christian friends you’ve allowed the devil in your life just pray it away. I sigh and want to smack them. Thats not the way it works. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain and you have to help it. I went to the Dr last week and about to make the most about-face medical changes I have made in a while. I have to make changes to medications and change the way I eat.  I also can’t isolate or stop living my life. Its a huge damper from where I’ve been to where Im at. Its frustrating, confusing and just stupid to feel this way but I do.

This time of year is hard for so many people, especially the ones that put on a great show for you then go and hide inside themselves away from you. For me please keep praying I need all I can get but also look at your friends, ask questions. I know God can do anything but if I just sit here and do nothing, nothing is what I will get. Remember people who fight depression don’t want to feel this way and you can’t just snap your fingers and make it go away.





Day 898 I don’t need you

13 07 2015

Yesterday I attend a wedding and reception for one of the first girls I dated after my divorce. She said I was the best first date she ever had. I guess that was enough and we have stayed friends and I was lucky enough to attend yesterday. He’s a great guy and two people who have found love after divorce. We almost didn’t make it because I took my son and he said if they kiss Im going to throw up. Im proud to report they did kiss and no throw up! Something is up though because 4 girls Ive dated in the last 19 months have gotten married after me. So if you’re looking to get married go on a date with me and the man of your dreams appears right after me. LOL!

I was the worlds worst independent, I go this, I don’t need you person. If you didn’t do I would step in and get it done “the right way” I couldn’t accept help, I had to be the first, the best and sometimes the only. I was a great team player as long as I lead the team. I was even brash enough to tell God on many occasions I got this I don’t need you. I never said I was smart I said I was independent. I pretty much alienated every single person in my life away from me and when you do that Rock Bottom is just sitting there waiting for you! I reached it but in that I learned some very valuable lessons which we always do and it’s always the hard way.

Last night at the reception I heard a conversation (BTW people talk to loud sometimes) and this guy and girl who were friends but not together mentioned at least three times that they didn’t need anybody. They gave their reasons see above just like I had and I wanted to jump in the conversation so bad but I let it play out. It’s so sad that we think we got this by ourselves. We as people were destined to belong, why are there gangs, team sports, band, mothers group, AA, etc.. We were made to be with others. As iron sharpens iron one man sharpens another. You take being an alcoholic or drug user and who you hang around with is what you become. You’re a christian and you hang with atheists your probably going to become atheists. What I m trying to say is good or bad we all want to belong. We need the time by ourselves to reflect but if we stay by ourselves we don’t got it and we never will. If you were on your island you might even survive or thrive but just for a bit then you will drown either figuratively or in mind trash. It is true we don’t need certain people or persons in our life. All they do is crush our soul and spirit. Fine get rid of them but you need to surround yourself with people and different kinds that help you not to be alone. I promise you this: If you try to fix you with only you it may end is a pool of your own emotions, or blood. We  have more going on in our lives than ever before and the garbage that floats around in our mind is crippling. I’m blessed to have 4 close friends. I call them my 3 o’clock in the morning friends. If its 3 o’clock I can call them and they will be there. they might grill me but they will be there. I have my Rock Bottom family that not once have they judged me and accepted me every-time. I want you to find that as well. You can always become a part of the rock bottom family or find your peeps that are your 3 o’clock friends. You may have never needed them but you will one day I promise. The people I had in my past life left me when I needed them, I thought they were my ride or die types. When I needed them they could have cared less of I would have died. You cant and weren’t meant to be alone. So rather than saying I don’t need you say I want you please. If you want those types of people pray and God will bring them to you!





Day 898 I don’t need you

12 07 2015

Yesterday I attend a wedding and reception for one of the first girls I dated after my divorce. She said I was the best first date she ever had. I guess that was enough and we have stayed friends and I was lucky enough to attend yesterday. He’s a great guy and two people who have found love after divorce. We almost didn’t make it because I took my son and he said if they kiss Im going to throw up. Im proud to report they did kiss and no throw up! Something is up though because 4 girls Ive dated in the last 19 months have gotten married after me. So if you’re looking to get married go on a date with me and the man of your dreams appears right after me. LOL!

I was the worlds worst independent, I go this, I don’t need you person. If you didn’t do I would step in and get it done “the right way” I couldn’t accept help, I had to be the first, the best and sometimes the only. I was a great team player as long as I lead the team. I was even brash enough to tell God on many occasions I got this I don’t need you. I never said I was smart I said I was independent. I pretty much alienated every single person in my life away from me and when you do that Rock Bottom is just sitting there waiting for you! I reached it but in that I learned some very valuable lessons which we always do and it’s always the hard way.

Last night at the reception I heard a conversation (BTW people talk to loud sometimes) and this guy and girl who were friends but not together mentioned at least three times that they didn’t need anybody. They gave their reasons see above just like I had and I wanted to jump in the conversation so bad but I let it play out. It’s so sad that we think we got this by ourselves. We as people were destined to belong, why are there gangs, team sports, band, mothers group, AA, etc.. We were made to be with others. As iron sharpens iron one man sharpens another. You take being an alcoholic or drug user and who you hang around with is what you become. You’re a christian and you hang with atheists your probably going to become atheists. What I m trying to say is good or bad we all want to belong. We need the time by ourselves to reflect but if we stay by ourselves we don’t got it and we never will. If you were on your island you might even survive or thrive but just for a bit then you will drown either figuratively or in mind trash. It is true we don’t need certain people or persons in our life. All they do is crush our soul and spirit. Fine get rid of them but you need to surround yourself with people and different kinds that help you not to be alone. I promise you this: If you try to fix you with only you it may end is a pool of your own emotions, or blood. We  have more going on in our lives than ever before and the garbage that floats around in our mind is crippling. I’m blessed to have 4 close friends. I call them my 3 o’clock in the morning friends. If its 3 o’clock I can call them and they will be there. they might grill me but they will be there. I have my Rock Bottom family that not once have they judged me and accepted me every-time. I want you to find that as well. You can always become a part of the rock bottom family or find your peeps that are your 3 o’clock friends. You may have never needed them but you will one day I promise. The people I had in my past life left me when I needed them, I thought they were my ride or die types. When I needed them they could have cared less of I would have died. You cant and weren’t meant to be alone. So rather than saying I don’t need you say I want you please. If you want those types of people pray and God will bring them to you!





Day 822 Just go ahead and quit

27 04 2015

What do you do with a sick boat? You take it to the doc!! Okay I laughed but you don’t have to. A busy weekend seems to always find me but I m not good at sitting still so good for me. We at Rock Bottom Outreach had a photo shoot Sunday that was fun. Most photo shoots aren’t but being around people you share a common bond with  and knowing we will do with our marketing material is very exciting. We were told to look serious and smiling. Here is my serious. I look so scary!! 🙂

RBO photo shoot

It’s hard to beat a person that doesn’t quit. Sometimes you can’t do it. You never fail at anything until you quit. Just because it didn’t work the way you wanted you still succeeded until you just throw int he towel. To be:honest Ive quit twice in my life: First time is when I left TCU and decided I wasn’t playing football anymore. And in August 2011 when I decided it was time to take my life. Both of those moments in my life were the most pain staking but my life actually got better from both. I can relate to anyone is ready to throw in the towel. No matter how much better life gets life is about peeks, valleys, Sometimes you’re at the top and sometimes at the bottom. The top is not always as good as we think and the bottom is never has bad as we think. Saying all of this I’m just in a dead place in my life. It’s not horrible but its nothing.  The nothing of life sucks. So much so that you can’t appreciate right in front of you.  I know in this place God is working on me and in me. It frustrates those around me so much and I’m sure more than they tell me, but I do know and I promise I’m working on it.

When I need answers I look to others because I know if I rely on myself I fail. Ive asked for help and direction and listened. I heard the same answers I was used to or expecting.  I was looking for different so I went to my atheist buddy. He was a christian and devote but he just go tired of the what he called ” Jesus crap and people” and became and athiest. When we talk we debate not don’t argue and his points are very valid. You need friends  not like you because different views and ideas is what helps you grow as a person. I could bore you with the details but after 45 minutes he said you should just go ahead and  quit. He said your burden of knowledge has you head locked and just quit because you’re not going to get there with what you know. He said what you are dealing with is why I left God because I never got the answers I thought he was going to give me.

I looked  at him and told I always appreciate our talks but not this time. I will bust my butt to get where God wants me this time without throwing in the towel. I have quit and know better. People are relying on me and I’m so close to a breakthrough in my life-like I’ve never had.  I know some days are going to be good and some will suck but that door for you and for me is 6 inches away and if we claw, scratch and struggle when the door opens the life we thought is right there.

If you’re at the end of your rope, lost, lonely or just want an answer people don’t give up. Only when you quit do you fail. God is waiting for you to ask and he’s telling you just a bit further and trust me. He never left us, we left him and for me not this time Satan, take a hike.





Day 739 Why men buy sex!!

4 02 2015

Another week with my babies and another week of sayings and things that you don’t forget. My daughter told me Monday night that now that football is over I’ll need to work out harder to be a man since my testosterone dies after football. I just wonder what in the heck that 7th grade girls talk about at lunch. Never mind I really don’t want to know.  Also the hedgehog is an interesting creature. They have a great personality and use the bathroom more than a class of kindergartners.

The topic of buying sex came from Warren Sapp an NFL Hall of Famer and analyst got arrested for solicitation of a prostitute super bowl weekend. This isn’t about him or to Dog him he has demons like us all. Are we really one to judge since the things that go on behind our doors is pretty disgusting when you get down to it. I know this doesn’t pertain to all men but the majority of men struggle with sex, porn, prostitution etc.. I’m also writing this from a man’s perspective because  I am a man and I know  women struggle with many of the same issues but I’ll stick to what I know.

Women always want to know why: I have everything he would want. I’ll do anything for my man. Or why would my friend, dad, brother do that it’s so disgusting. Again talking about porn, sex, prostitution when I reference it here. You might ask well how do you know, stats prove it but I ask questions, I listen to men, look at what ends marriages, men’s groups, etc.. So here you go:

The computer, the prostitute doesn’t say no. You pay your money and the answer is always yes. Every man I have heard this from after the fact was disappointed, lonely, waste of money, un-filling, empty. We as men need to hear yes. We here no so often that going where the answer is yes is fulfilling until the act happens. Men are not good in relationships period. Most of our fathers didn’t know how to teach and so we carry that legacy. One of my friends  about his experience of childhood cruelty and neglect and linked this to his inability to form close ­relationships with anyone, particularly women.

I would say to its hard especially today to know how to content with a women in the usual means. You don’t have to connect with women through porn or prostitution. All the things we lack as men with feelings, and emotions, and being touch and feel that all gets to go away. We perform our act of gratitude to ourselves and the computer closes or the girl goes away. We don’t have to hold you, explain why I didn’t last that long or talk to you at all. The worst things for a man but the easiest thing to. We want our ideal prostitute not to behave like one, to role-play to be a pretend girlfriend, a casual date, not business-like or mechanical.  Then you go away. I was 20 years old and had 100 bucks and with buddies and I tried it. It was so cool until I left the room. I felt like I just paid someone to pretend to like me and she was good at pretending but now what.   I also believe that men need Validation of being desirable . This is emotionally charged, and probably very powerful, more so than what people think and finally, Objectification (ends justify the means) , however some more negative connotation along with it meaning that socially they can not see the other as being anything more than sex/money.

I know this you would be surprised who is addicted to porn and prostitution, You think the best looking guy who can get any girl wouldn’t do it false. .This has nothing to do with looks. It has everything to do with our worth, or lack there of, what we were or weren’t taught about women, that we don’t understand women, but also women don’t get us. You don’t understand the fear and doubt that men walk around with. If you suck in bed as man there’s nothing worse in a man’s eyes.  Yes even that guy that walks around cocky, arrogant, has more money than God, yeah him too.  When a woman shoots down a man in public about his lack of size, or no prowess in be d you just sent him a death sentence and now he’s going to go find what wont talk him down or make him feel inadequate.

Yes men need help, we need counseling and we need more Jesus. A lot more but Christian men struggle more than most because they have more to live up too. I promise! So how do we fix it. From the things I mentioned but also women have to start trying to understand men because were a lot more sensitive than you would ever know. Do porn and prostitution go away and in the words of my friend JB. If all men are locked up and all women die. We can just pray that men get healthy and start changing the generation below us. Not the best news and I don’t have the answers for you just the facts!

 








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