Day 1348 Does Im sorry work

27 10 2016

Hello again peeps. Another wonderful summer day  at the end of October with a high of 88. I really wish I knew what seasons were I read about them in the picture books but they don’t seem to be real lol. Just FYI it’s just stupid how expensive Halloween costumes are for something that kids wear one time and then goes into a box forever. At least we get candy on the 31st so score one for us kids that are adults now.

I’m sorry one set of the most powerful words in the English language. We usually mean it sometimes we hope it saves us but mostly we mean it. Are there things that we do that no matter what I’m sorry just doesn’t matter? This past Saturday I had one of the toughest days I’ve had in 5 years. You think you’ve over come your demons and sometimes they take a giant crap on your head. I didn’t hurt anyone else I promise but I did destroy myself some.  We get isolated with out thoughts and then bam. I know better, I know that if I think negative, think I’m unworthy, think Im unlovable that nobody will miss me, then your mind has nothing to do but believe what your feeding it. Lucky for so many of us we have a moment of clarity and we wake up and think what in the hell was going on there. Why did I think those thoughts, why lead me to here. Why would I do that to the people I love. The reason is that were human and sometimes we believe the devil more than we believe Jesus. After the people you’re close to find out your thoughts you say your sorry and you mean it but then the question comes do they believe your sorry.

It’s not like the boy crying wolf its more they know your sorry but its easier not to accept the apology because then you don’t have to feel hurt by them again.  Nobody likes to repeat their mistakes but we do. Sorry is great to hear when it’s not the same mistake but when it becomes 1, 2, 3 times does I’m sorry fall on deaf ears. I really have no answer to this because its dependent on the person being apologize to.

Anyway I wanted to blog and that was my thought for that moment. Until the next crazy mind thought comes through: Love you

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Day 1325 Why did you abandon me

2 10 2016

Hello friends it’s finally cool in Texas 85 yesterday which had people in sweaters and coats. Also everything pumpkin spice Is out including dog food and toilet paper. Here’s to fall, football, and streakers at sporting events.
Defination of abandoned -no longer held or thought of : given up.
Our founder of Rock bottom outreach Rick Smith  was giving his testimony at Springtown Texas See Ya at the Pole last Wednesdays  and spoke about his abandonment  issues. I listened whole hardheartedly for the first time and it slapped me in the face. This has been one of my biggest issues that I wouldn’t admit because I just didn’t know.
As I walked by my dad’s room leading to my room I always either shook my head or asked why. Why did you give up on me, (aka abandon us)mom and my little sister. Why when I need you the most you can’t or won’t. Don’t you see what I’m trying to do and I’ll need is guidance but your gone. Dammit dad help me but nothing.  Tell me it’s going to be okay, tell me you’ll help me, tell me I can do it but don’t give up on me. Still nothing,  so the sooner you die the better. You quit on me so I’m done with you when your ready to go. So he dies and he leaves me (abandoned).
My ex wife- in the back of my mind for 14 years if  I wasn’t good enough for my dad there is no way you’ll stay with me but since I don’t give up I won’t quit on you.  Problem is when you think that way you live by a scorecard. See what I did for you, us. I’m enough because of  the tasks I do not for the love I have for you or me. Sooner or later people can’t score enough points and you really aren’t enough. Even when I completed my list of changes you asked and became 180 degree different man. You abandoned me and I wasn’t enough again.
My mom, who was my best friend left us this past December. Nobody asked me to take her it wasn’t her time. She didn’t get to see all the great things I was going to do, see my new family complete, or when I needed your tough love where did you go. How dare you  God take her. Now she and you have abandoned me.
I meet this beautiful,amazing woman who would die for me and I spend the majority of our relationship trying to push her away. In my mind I say this is what’s wrong with her ( which is really nothing), so I’ll just remind her so she’ll leave me too. There is no way since my dad, my ex-wife, mom and yes Jesus abandoned she’s going to as well but all shes does is love me when I don’t want to be enough or think shes going to leave.
Thanks God for abandoning me time and time again. I know better. God has always been there for me, he saved my life, but it’s better to blame him than see the truth. I’m a crappy Christian and follower  because I believe the lies the devil whispers in my ears. Healing is real when you want and believe it. I’m asking all of  these unperfect, broken people to be perfect and love me but I won’t do the same without thinking their going to leave me.
So I know abandonment now. It’s another hurdle on this journey. It’s realizing that if I embrace the ones that love me and know if I feel abandonment they do to and not push them to leave because they can and will. I can hurt them so much too not even knowing that I’m doing it.
My first thing I want to say I’m sorry to the ones I push away I didn’t know I was doing it. I’m constantly working to be better so bare with me. God honors obedience and he loves us even when don’t or won’t love ourselves. He never leaves us. Ever!
Thanks for reading and supporting this crazy weird bald dude.





Day 1302 A BUT makes you a BUTT

8 09 2016

I miss writing so often but when the day ends there is not enough time or energy. I’m trying to make it a point to get back and blog. my mind needs the writers release. Even if nobody reads it, I still need it if that makes sense.

I have always defended myself even when it wasn’t necessary. I still do now because I still forget that I am worthy and I’m enough. That if I’m wrong I’m not that little boy who didn’t have his dad to guide my way so I had to be right or I was going to always make mistakes. I like to be right and who doesn’t but that’s an excuse. We were made not to be perfect but I keep thinking i have to always be perfect and if not I’ll argue with you until I am. The past 6 months have been filled with as many changes in my life than any other time. I’m trying to always be better but!!!! That word gets me always because I might agree with you but I need you to hear my side so you know that I’m okay. So Im still insecure, frightened, unsure, changing ball of a mess. I listen to God and then I stop listening and when I stop listening welcome to Tyler Wood and his interchanging “Buts”

Have you ever went and listened to yourself when you try to defend yourself. It sounds so stupid and when you’re having a good day you step back and say what in the hell did I do that for. What did it matter if I was right or wrong. I didn’t hear the other person, I probably hurt them and I didn’t listen to anything they said. All because Im so insecure, feel unloved, unattached from anyone or anything that I just need to be heard.

I was in an argument with my fiance and we were both wrong but God forbid if I actually shut up and not have to be the heavyweight champion of arguing. So I got the title that night and I hurt her feelings and made her feel that what she had to say wasn’t important. As soon as I said But i should have stopped because the moment I kept going I became a BUTT!

Im always a work in progress like we all are but if I have to  be the champion of But I will become the champion of the BUTTS too and I really don’t need another crappy crown.

We don’t always have to be right even when we are right. The BUT stops here. I hope it can stop with you too!





Day 1257 Im engaged

22 07 2016

4 years ago I walked out of the courthouse in Denton Texas and with my divorce paperwork in hand said this was it. Never did I want to be married or be in love again. It hurt too much. Everything I knew and believed about relationships and women was flushed away with the gavel hitting the stand.  I was in the process of rebuilding me but that part I just didn’t want a part of. I went 6 months of dating nobody as I worked on repairing my bitterness, anger and the stitching back my heart. I started dating and hated it. I would meet a nice girl then get afraid and run like a kid playing hide and go seek at school. When I started believing in myself more I started to believe that maybe my goal was just to be a daddy, work and enjoy be single. I had done online dating, meeting my friends, (not recommended) and randomly asking someone for a date that I never met.

Last June I was done with dating. I was ready for God to just drop her in my lap otherwise screw it.  I got an email for 1 month free then pay for one month for online dating. I tried it and July 5th of last year was my last day. On July 4th I sent a message to a girl named Stephanie in Austin. It was long distance and that wouldn’t work but why not. She responded and we started messaging. She was in Iowa visiting family so I couldn’t meet her. August 18th I drove to Austin and went on a small date just to meet because I had to get back and go to work. She was stunningly beautiful and the best thing is at dinner she put her arm around my arm.  I left and said she was pretty cool but I can’t make that work. I suck at distance and I need someone here everyday. After going back and forth mostly her coming here. I decided in October I wanted to be her boyfriend. I went back and forth not because I didn’t like her or was starting to love her but my fears. I wasn’t worthy, this can’t be real.

The Monday before my mom died we had a serious conversation about Stephanie. She said son I love her and she’s great for you. Stop finding things wrong and find the things right. My mom died the next day! Since that moment she has been my rock. She had no idea what to do for a man who was so close to his my mom but she has done it. She loves me and my kids unconditionally.  She tries everyday to understand how weird I am. I love her and never knew what it was like  to love someone like this. Faults, quirks, great things. i love her.

Last Thursday we went to Puerto Vallarta Mexico for a short vacation: I had made plans to ask her to marry me but she had no idea. Everything fell into including the ring get through the airport screening. Last Friday night i hit my knee on the beaches of Puerto Vallarta and asked Stephanie Ann Lemburg to be my wife and she said yes. I was so nervousness and didn’t want to screw up. I succeded

Never give up, God said he will restore what the Locusts ate. Here is another part of rising through the ashes. I couldn’t be more blessed to have put down my will and accept his.





Day 1242 Remember when you were going to be great

7 07 2016

Hello long-lost blog world. I’m still alive. I guess I took a break from me and my brain for a bit. It’s a hard job but someone has to do it. 🙂 The summer is great and so are sun burns. So much so Im shedding my skin from what the sun did to me don’t worry. I don’t have a disease I’m just finding my 40-year-old skin.

Do you remember when we dreamed, remember when we hunted and weren’t the hunted, when we were going to be great, when nothing would stop us. Then life that we never knew or understood slapped us and even though we are still standing our knees are knocking but people can’t see it.  Remember when we weren’t afraid to fail. Maybe because we were 20 and stupid and now we know what life is capable of. We only see the negative of life and because of that we get afraid, apprehensive, we just stand there and say I want to be great BUT! Then we don’t! We get to our death-bed and say all the things we should have done and we speak them out loud but we thought them for 40 years. We settled, told our heart to stop, we forgot life is about ups and downs, but only want to talk about the downs. We lost our faith, not only in God but in ourselves. We don’t want to start over because “we can’t” but if tomorrow wasn’t coming we could. Nothing is easy! Not one damn thing and we know that.  We cannot let our past destroy us! We must stand up for ourselves because nobody else will. Decide today is my last day because it could be. Smile again, and push yourself places you have never been.  Tell yourself I can and will! No excuses!

Maybe Im writing this blog only for me! If so thats okay someone needs it.





Day 1205 My story is better than yours.

30 05 2016

The end of the school year. You would think that times couldn’t be busier but yes it is possible. I’m trying so hard to appreciate it because it another year that my kids completed school and one year closer to them growing up so fast.  On Saturday my parents would have been married 43 years. When I think of anniversary and holidays the memories flash back so quick and vividly. It’s amazing how just a  few moments in life feel so real and yet so far away. AS the journey continues these things keep hitting but I appreciate them now rather than trying to wish them away.

How many times do we someones highlight reel of life and wish that was us. I wish I had their life, I wish that I could have that kind of marriage.  I just wish my life was like theirs. I know social media has done a horrible job of painting a picture of the best when actually life is not like that. Behind that marriage is a great cover of hate, a fake marriage of two people who haven’t slept in the same bed in 3 years, the vacation they went on is it’s the last thing the family will do together before divorce. That life you want is filled with credit card debt so high its choking them, the house is 4 months behind and the bank is about to take it. I never want to discredit the parts of life that are great. We have to remember that life is full of seasons and sometimes you’re at the top and sometimes at the bottom. When at the bottom we try to put a dress on a pig. No matter what it’s still a pig.

Stop trying to compare someones else’s highlight reel with your normal life. If you put your highlights out there it looks pretty darn good. If you look at my mike on social media or just in general it looks great especially compared to my past. What you don’t see is my struggles that pictures don’t show, when I tell a joke it’s not because I’m laughing but because I need you to laugh so I can feel better. When I talk about my kids it’s because I feel guilty I blew it and lost my temper and want you to think I’m a good parents. when I get to speak to people and offer hope and the reason I said what I did is so I could have hope or feel like I’m accepted. Your right my life is good and the pictures and the stories and the moments I’ve had with God, my kids, my girlfriend, and her kids is amazing. What I have to keep in mind in those moments is that this is my life and its great. If I keep trying to live someone else’s highlight reel my life will slowly erode and there won’t be anymore highlights. Sure we see other people’s stuff we might want but you have no idea what it tool for them to get it or what they had to lose to get it. Comparing our life to someones else is a life sucking leach. Our normal isn’t bad its just hard to be content in the world of right now.  Enjoy your highlight reel, share it be proud of it but stop there. Just remember what it took you to get your highlight reel on track and what you have had to do to keep it going. Your life is amazing if we choose to see it,  despite the bad of it that’s what make the good so great.  Here is to more of the best, but my best 🙂





Day 1201 Inside the Minds of men

26 05 2016

Its been a while since I blogged. The world is crazy busy like everyone’s but I promise my mind is still working. Probably too much. Every-time I try to sit down either something drags me away or I my time is gone.

It’s almost been 5 years on August since my recovery journey started. I’ve always knew that I was destined for more than the standard work, eat dinner, dinner, spend time with kids and do it all over again. After reading close to 400 books in the past 5 years, digging into counseling, being a part of Rock Bottom Outreach, counseling people I knew I had to get this information out of my head and into others. I’ve been told I have a presence and when I speak people listen. I just never knew how or what to do about. My counselor Brian Hackney and I  fiddled around with ideas for 2 years how we could help with others. One is we’ll start an organization to help men, we never got excited about it. How about this and that but nothing stuck. I started checking around about speaking groups, there were a ton of women speaking to men, and men speaking to men but I couldn’t find any where men speaking to women. I was excited about the idea and about 6 months ago I was in counseling and finally brought the idea up to Brian. His eyes lit up and we started going through how we would be as real, vulnerable and authentic and let women really know whats inside the minds of men. The stuff nobody wants to talk about, porn, anger, yelling, workaholic, pride, fear lack of communication, and truly let it all hang out. We have a close friend John Finch that  started The Perfect Father ministry and https://www.facebook.com/The-Father-Effect-Movie-211007652267276/ and thought John would be a perfect complement and he gets it. We knew his struggles and we knew his heart. We asked him to join and be apart.

After months of trying to figure out what to and how we finally had a Guinea pig meeting. There were about 50 women there. It was truly an eye-opening experience. To have a vision, and allow it to happen is truly amazing. The ideas and words that the women left us with were truly awe-inspiring, We wanted to make a difference and after we had that meeting we all knew this was something great. Last night we had our first event that was paid. We had 42 women show up. there were tears, a few gasps, a few women holding on to their chair because it made them uncomfortable but what it did make a difference. When we closed and thank them we said that we hope you walk out knowing something more about men or you can go home and change your relationship. Every head nodded and the energy was amazing. We have something great here. We just need the word of mouth and positive  vibe to continue. I’ll ask you to look at or website and go to our Facebook. Hear the testimonials and if you can get us booked with your women’s group please go online. Just pass the word we appreciate it so much.

http://www.facebook.com/insidethemindsofmen.org/

http://www.insidethemindsofmen.org/

 








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