Day 1891 Please don’t kill yourself

13 08 2018

Meet the teacher tonight. I have a jr. in high school and a 4th grader. My Lord time is passing faster and faster everyday as I get older.  Here’s to a great year for all of you!

I was sent a video today by one of my friends. It’s by Clayton Jennings called Stop, Please don’t kill yourself. Theres a tad of irony in that fact that is the month 7 years ago that I was ready to go. The noise in my head was loud, the pain that I felt in every step, in every fake situation I played up. I told goodbye in my silence knowing I wouldn’t see them again even though they had no clue this was the last time they would see me.

Depression was like a bag of Oreos for me. I could eat line after line with no thought. I could only think of the skin i was saving, the people who could breathe easier knowing that I wasn’t there. My kids that didn’t need this broken, failure of a man. I cried more those 2 weeks before the day came. Tears of joy for others and tears that I couldn’t believe the failure I allowed, the brokenness that started as I came out of the womb. I remember a primal scream  I let out in my car that I’m surprised didn’t shatter my windows. Suicide was my only way!

If I could tell you anything I would tell you its a season of life. Your damn right it hurts, probably the worst feeling you have ever had. If you choose to walk with the devil you will hold his hand. His whispers are loud and believable but you ave to yell out I mean really yell out tell the devil to leave you. You want to talk about courage fight the devil when he is partying in your head. That is courage but you cant do it alone! I believe in God! He never said it was going to be easy. I thought being a Christian was supposed to be easy but when I didn’t understand I blamed God and said you fix it or I end it.

God rose up and he grabbed my hand and said I know you ready so come on. I fought some days and others I just gave in because I was tired not physically but in life. So I stood up but if you believe this is easy you are delusional. You see what I allow you to see, you don’t see this heart or these tears. I spend a lot of time by myself. I do know if I dance with the devil i lose. So I beg you just today stand up. don’t worry about tomorrow. Deep inside your soul the best is there. You just forgot it. reach out, ask for someone to just hold you, ask them to just shut up and listen.

I’ve never known one person that took their life that made this world a better place. You were wanted, needed and so missed. God will see you through it. It might be  category 6 hurricane in your life but please don’t take your life. I love you even if I dont know you. I never want one person to sit in their car on a hill yelling, crying with snot bubbles praying that this death goes slow because thats what I deserved. so I’m here!

Stop please don’t kill yourself!

 

 





Day 948 Man I have bad luck

31 08 2015

7 days of no soda as of today and Ive calmed down. A few days last week I was sure I was going to rip someone’s head off. Now I’m like a butterfly flying tree to tree. Okay if you know me you know that’s never true but I feel a lot better. After 2 deaths and two memorial services I’m glad to say that last week being over is a great thing. With my heart change of life I’ve become compassionate and needless to say I shed a lot of tears but glad I could be there for the families.

Man I have bad luck or no luck at all. One of the crutch phrases for so many when things don’t go their way.  I used it all the time. I said it so much I believed it more than anything else that came out of my mouth. Here’s what I have now: Nothing good or bad luck. I don’t believe in luck. Here’s what I believe.

If I choose to follow God’s will my life will go has his plan, or when I choose the Tyler way it will go that way too. I hear man my luck is so bad, I have horrible luck with men or women, or things just always happen bad.  What if I told you that sometimes we are stupid and make bad decisions. Were imperfect and because of that bad things happen. If you drink and drive and you get arrested, guess what that wasn’t bad luck, that’s a bad decision. If you spent years druggin, thuggin, fighting, drinking, abusing others and now your bodies rebelling or your things aren’t working. The piper had to be paid and now its time the check gets cashed. No it’s not God punishing you because he doesn’t but our free will and others catches up to us. Our the person that said I have bad luck with men or women. Look its simple: We are attracted to a certain type person and if that type of person hasn’t worked for the eternity of your dating or married life for the Love of God stop going after them. People who need to be rescued, addicts, people who can’t love you because they can’t love themselves. If you find that person every time you have to stop it. That person maybe comfortable at first then they become like crumbs in your bed and eventually will just make you so upset you quit. Here’s an example for me: My whole life I have chosen to find women who I had long relationships with that were the following, not affectionate, tall, gorgeous, needing rescued, fake, hollow, and down right mean.  For me that does not work. Doesn’t make them bad women just means for me that they don’t work. My friends tell me that I could go into Cowboys stadium and there would be 50K great woman and I would walk by them all for the one I’m attracted to. I’ve learned what doesn’t work for me and if I choose them then it’s not bad luck, I’m an idiot.

I’ve read the entire bible and not once did I read about good or bad luck. What I read is following his will, that tug at your heart or the overwhelming don’t do that. When you follow his plan good things really happen, you might come into some money, or an opportunity, or your kid succeeds because you choose to teach them a lesson and not let the world teach them. Or your walk over to that stranger and start a conversation because you really wanted to but were afraid and now you’re in love. Or you send your testimony out over Facebook and when you push send you wanted to throw up because you’re afraid of the  response and 6 hours later. A total stranger tells you that they decided not to kill themselves because of what you posted. I could have taken credit for that or said what great luck I had. Nope no such thing as look good or bad. It’s about following your heart and mind. The two most powerful weapons we have in our body can be used for good or bad but not for luck.

When your about to say man my luck is good or bad stop and think: Maybe just maybe it was the decision I made and I followed God or I didn’t. Yes for the devils advocate people sometimes bad things happen to good people who didn’t deserve it. I don’t understand it either, I’m not God or Jesus and I have a list of questions I would like to ask when I get to heaven too but until then life happens with or without my approval so just deal with it as it comes.





Day 948 Man I have bad luck

31 08 2015

7 days of no soda as of today and Ive calmed down. A few days last week I was sure I was going to rip someone’s head off. Now I’m like a butterfly flying tree to tree. Okay if you know me you know that’s never true but I feel a lot better. After 2 deaths and two memorial services I’m glad to say that last week being over is a great thing. With my heart change of life I’ve become compassionate and needless to say I shed a lot of tears but glad I could be there for the families.

Man I have bad luck or no luck at all. One of the crutch phrases for so many when things don’t go their way.  I used it all the time. I said it so much I believed it more than anything else that came out of my mouth. Here’s what I have now: Nothing good or bad luck. I don’t believe in luck. Here’s what I believe.

If I choose to follow God’s will my life will go has his plan, or when I choose the Tyler way it will go that way too. I hear man my luck is so bad, I have horrible luck with men or women, or things just always happen bad.  What if I told you that sometimes we are stupid and make bad decisions. Were imperfect and because of that bad things happen. If you drink and drive and you get arrested, guess what that wasn’t bad luck, that’s a bad decision. If you spent years druggin, thuggin, fighting, drinking, abusing others and now your bodies rebelling or your things aren’t working. The piper had to be paid and now its time the check gets cashed. No it’s not God punishing you because he doesn’t but our free will and others catches up to us. Our the person that said I have bad luck with men or women. Look its simple: We are attracted to a certain type person and if that type of person hasn’t worked for the eternity of your dating or married life for the Love of God stop going after them. People who need to be rescued, addicts, people who can’t love you because they can’t love themselves. If you find that person every time you have to stop it. That person maybe comfortable at first then they become like crumbs in your bed and eventually will just make you so upset you quit. Here’s an example for me: My whole life I have chosen to find women who I had long relationships with that were the following, not affectionate, tall, gorgeous, needing rescued, fake, hollow, and down right mean.  For me that does not work. Doesn’t make them bad women just means for me that they don’t work. My friends tell me that I could go into Cowboys stadium and there would be 50K great woman and I would walk by them all for the one I’m attracted to. I’ve learned what doesn’t work for me and if I choose them then it’s not bad luck, I’m an idiot.

I’ve read the entire bible and not once did I read about good or bad luck. What I read is following his will, that tug at your heart or the overwhelming don’t do that. When you follow his plan good things really happen, you might come into some money, or an opportunity, or your kid succeeds because you choose to teach them a lesson and not let the world teach them. Or your walk over to that stranger and start a conversation because you really wanted to but were afraid and now you’re in love. Or you send your testimony out over Facebook and when you push send you wanted to throw up because you’re afraid of the  response and 6 hours later. A total stranger tells you that they decided not to kill themselves because of what you posted. I could have taken credit for that or said what great luck I had. Nope no such thing as look good or bad. It’s about following your heart and mind. The two most powerful weapons we have in our body can be used for good or bad but not for luck.

When your about to say man my luck is good or bad stop and think: Maybe just maybe it was the decision I made and I followed God or I didn’t. Yes for the devils advocate people sometimes bad things happen to good people who didn’t deserve it. I don’t understand it either, I’m not God or Jesus and I have a list of questions I would like to ask when I get to heaven too but until then life happens with or without my approval so just deal with it as it comes.





Day 907 I blew it Saturday

21 07 2015

On Friday night my buddy Jim and I went to a concert with the bands of Pennywise and Danzig. I had made a promise to myself that if Danzig came back to Dallas I would see them. They were my band I used to get my blood flowing before any sports or other blood flowing event needed. Needless to say they didn’t let us down. We also participated in the mosh pit. I had so much fun but boy my body was not a happy camper the next day. It’s good to remember that you still have it at almost 40 but you only have it for a day. Ha ha

If you know me at all you know I’m real, not judgmental and try real hard to live a good God-fearing life. You also know I still struggle and sometimes do some really idiotic things. Most of the stupid things I do are fear based and have nothing to do with the way God sees me but the way I feel and look at myself based on the past me. Its start with a real dumb thought and the next thing you know I’m burning down my life. Then I just pray the next day I wake up and I’ve snapped out of it. Saturday night hanging out with my buddy J. and he said something that stirred a feeling about how my trust in people or lack there of comes from ex marriage. It really made me think that man I thought I had come further than that. He was right though but it kept stirring and truthfully pissed me off Not at him but me. as the night went on I acted like I was okay and I wasn’t. We then went to another venue and ran into a friend that I love to death. Heard a story about how he was doing and it made me hurt for him so much. I got actually upset at that point that I was visually and verbally losing my temper. I was having a conversation and prayed God would settle my heart down but to avail. ( I know I’m leaving out details but I have some cleaning up of what I did so I won’t mention names). I wont apologize for what I said but I will apologize for what I did. We actually got into a physical altercation in the parking . It was truly all my fault. I should have walked away but I didn’t. It was the first time in 4 years I lost my head. I know my temper and have done great keeping me under wraps. All as I can say is I’m sorry to my buddy but not sure that will work. I’m still waiting!

So where did it come from: It came from the parts of me that made me think that my opinion or thoughts didn’t matter, I wasn’t important, that maybe I wasn’t who I thought I was. Sunday I drove to Waco so I had sometime to process and clear my head. The devil is real and if you don’t always keep your guard up Satan walks in and attacks everything he knows that you fear. He can kill so much inside you and Saturday night Devil 1- Tyler-0. I’m so embarrassed by my actions but after much thought it’s another on my list of actions that I will get to the bottom of and grow from. God never said don’t sin , he asked us to be convicted of them. Here I am raising both hands knowing full well its a mistake and that won’t happen again as long as I follow his path and not mine. Sometimes the ones that are perceived to be the strongest get the least support because people believe they don’t need it. I for one accept any and all support because I can’t do this by myself.  I blew it Saturday so here’s to being the man I am not the one I used to be. Thanks!!





Day 252 I hate you

15 09 2013

Well I did it!  I put on my first Chuck E Cheese birthday party done by myself. My son turned 5 and we had fun with 11 kids, that ridiculous mouse, and about 200 other kids running crazy! Its was a weird feeling because this was the first family function separate.  So now I beat Chuck e cheese 1-0 goes to me.

The weeks I’m without my kids I’m beginning to struggle more. I hate being alone now. I have gone through a lot of soul-searching, researching and changes and feel like I’m ready to date, I then begin to revert back sometimes to my worth. I know it’s not true but I struggle just like every other normal human being. Difference is I let mine be known. I live in a glass house so everything I see you do to. Please don’t tell me that God will provide or one will just come to you. What if I don’t speak, what if I don’t have the courage. Good will keep from a lot of things.  In my own hell I used to live I bet I told myself I hate you Tyler at least 10 times a day. Either it was from, financial mistakes, my marriage, what I wasn’t doing as a parent or just my past. When I’m alone and this just started I heard myself twice say I really hate what you did or didn’t do Tyler. I actually looked up and said what did you just tell yourself. I knew the devil was like hey I never leave and you have always listened. When your by yourself I can get you and you suck at fighting it. Go to God Tyler he doesn’t listen to you anyway or you don’t listen. That was the dialogue I had with myself.

Have you ever heard another person tell someone they hate them. Its abrasive and makes you feel uncomfortable. So why do we tell yourselves these crappy words. This may sound stupid but we re comfortable with that. It’s weird saying Tyler your great, or awesome or you look good. Why do you think I post things on FB. I need people to like or comment in a positive way so I can feel good about myself.  Sure most days are good but the bad are bad.  Life is a process and the devil knows how to take us back. No matter how much work you put in. I hate you or I hate you did that is like a knife to the soul.

I hope that I remember to shut the hate down and I hope this helps you to remember to do the same.





Day 241 Burn those memories

5 09 2013

I have a ton of good days but when I have a bad one I do it right. See today!! I even asked for prayers on FB because the world was kicking me in the privates today. I’m not sure why bad memories stick with us better than good memories but wow how they can come back so quickly. I had open house last night with my daughter,  her mom and husband. It’s always a new experience for everyone the changes of divorce and the new spouse etc.. come into the picture.  You  think when you get divorced and when the paper is signed that’s the end. It’s just the beginning.  I know we all have memories that we wish we could erase. I remember so many like they happened today: Burying my Jr. high girlfriend, breaking my leg, the first time I was told I was fat, when they bank came and reposed my mom’s car, when my dad officially became disabled, when I first wanted to commit suicide, when I got dumped in high school, when I transferred from TCU, when I had my abortion,  when I left Puerto Vallarta Mexico, when I lost my best friend when the fights in my marriage got to the point of just being stupid. Last night I sat across my ex and it felt like a total stranger, but then it hit me. This flood of memories came rushing back at me and I could not shake them. I asked God to please take them, I was anxiety filler and worse I had a lot of fear. I had no idea but I wanted to drink and escape for a bit. I hadn’t really felt this way in two years and was really embarrassed that I was back there. No matter how much forgiveness you give no where does it say forget but I wish I could. Its like okay I remembered them learned from them and now take the big chief eraser and get rid of them. I want to burn those memories so bad. You say the meanest things to the people you love and the sad part sorry never fixes it. You hope you at least you get I’m sorry or forgive me but the scars are there and every once in a while the scar tissue tears and it hurts.

There is no lesson or words of wisdom today. I appreciate the people who responded to me today and my friends who just listened last night. It wasn’t for attention it was for prayer to take away something I couldn’t.  As I told one of my closet friends today I understand some relationships have to end, but fight your ass off to keep what you have. Divorce is an answer but not the answer. You think the memories are bad when your married and it ends wait until there are things you have to explain to your kids and you can’t and when I’m sorry means not a damn thing.  You can only hide behind that fake smile forever or your having a great day and the world comes crashing on you. The devil is an asshole but tomorrow he loses that’s just the way I roll. Thanks for letting me ramble!





Day 241 Burn those memories

4 09 2013

I have a ton of good days but when I have a bad one I do it right. See today!! I even asked for prayers on FB because the world was kicking me in the privates today. I’m not sure why bad memories stick with us better than good memories but wow how they can come back so quickly. I had open house last night with my daughter,  her mom and husband. It’s always a new experience for everyone the changes of divorce and the new spouse etc.. come into the picture.  You  think when you get divorced and when the paper is signed that’s the end. It’s just the beginning.  I know we all have memories that we wish we could erase. I remember so many like they happened today: Burying my Jr. high girlfriend, breaking my leg, the first time I was told I was fat, when they bank came and reposed my mom’s car, when my dad officially became disabled, when I first wanted to commit suicide, when I got dumped in high school, when I transferred from TCU, when I had my abortion,  when I left Puerto Vallarta Mexico, when I lost my best friend when the fights in my marriage got to the point of just being stupid. Last night I sat across my ex and it felt like a total stranger, but then it hit me. This flood of memories came rushing back at me and I could not shake them. I asked God to please take them, I was anxiety filler and worse I had a lot of fear. I had no idea but I wanted to drink and escape for a bit. I hadn’t really felt this way in two years and was really embarrassed that I was back there. No matter how much forgiveness you give no where does it say forget but I wish I could. Its like okay I remembered them learned from them and now take the big chief eraser and get rid of them. I want to burn those memories so bad. You say the meanest things to the people you love and the sad part sorry never fixes it. You hope you at least you get I’m sorry or forgive me but the scars are there and every once in a while the scar tissue tears and it hurts.

There is no lesson or words of wisdom today. I appreciate the people who responded to me today and my friends who just listened last night. It wasn’t for attention it was for prayer to take away something I couldn’t.  As I told one of my closet friends today I understand some relationships have to end, but fight your ass off to keep what you have. Divorce is an answer but not the answer. You think the memories are bad when your married and it ends wait until there are things you have to explain to your kids and you can’t and when I’m sorry means not a damn thing.  You can only hide behind that fake smile forever or your having a great day and the world comes crashing on you. The devil is an asshole but tomorrow he loses that’s just the way I roll. Thanks for letting me ramble!








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