Day 1549 so this is what its come to

22 05 2017

Remember naps, kool aid, recess, playing outside until you were so tired you came in I took a bath passed out and did it again the next day.  What about getting something in the mail,run out to the mailbox but no yet, drinking from a water hose, jumping into a pond just because, or taking your shoes off just because. trying to have fun because it was fun,  not to have fun to compensate to make yourself feel better. Anyway I’m saying being an adult is dumb and we continue to do the same thing.

Let say the stats are correct and 2% of people live they life they want. I’ll be generous and say 10% are living the life they want. So that leaves us the other 90%. Here are the things we celebrate now,

  1. I got to work on time,
  2. They canceled the meeting,
  3. Jeans day,
  4. A catered lunch,
  5. Getting to leave 5 minutes early
  6. Living to get a tax return check that we shouldn’t have paid over tot he government anyway
  7. Getting to eat a meal at home. It used to happen everyday
  8. 2 weeks of vacation to work 50 weeks. Then we dread the end of vacation because how much work we have when we get back
  9. Praying to God that the dr., lawyer or bank stay open past 5 so you can get business done so you don’t have to do everything Saturday.
  10. That someone will celebrate your birthday
  11. You go to the mailbox hoping its empty
  12. That somebody would do their laundry
  13. Can we order pizza because I don’t give a crap about anybody eating
  14. Someone body I cared about texted me but I haven’t heard their voice in 2 years
  15.  I worked to retirement YAY, now my health sucks so bad I can’t enjoy it
  16. We get 2 breaks a day to go to the bathroom
  17. Somebody waved at me. Do they like me. It used to mean people were friendly.
  18. You have to be sick to feel like you can stay in bed
  19. Someone pays you a compliment.
  20. I paid my bills for the month yes, oh crap its time to start paying them again.

 

I could go on but how freaking sad is it that life has become this. Routine is a killer of the soul. Why have we accepted this. It’s not God’s plan. ts not our plan but we stick ourselves in the butt with it and wonder why it hurts. It’s just dub, we stopped having fun, or our fun is were going to drink until we don’t remember, because Hangovers are a blast.

My boss is a dumb arse and if you don’t think you’re a dumb arse you are the boss. We live this life to get to a point to enjoy it then our health fades,  our love dies, kids move on forget about us until were dying.

Im not trying to be a pessimist but I’m sick of people not living.  Take them damn trip,  eat the food you shouldn’t , if your job sucks find another one, if you want a dog buy one. Just live because if you were giving a month to live you would start but its to late.

Oh but Tyler I don’t what to do. Okay good stop doing this stupid crap I listed that’s a good start. The only person going to make your life better is you. I mean nobody else will. Don’t blame, just do it.





Day 1523 Who are you when the door closes

26 04 2017

It was 76 degrees at 9:00 am this morning. At 12:00 it was 61 and now its 52 with a low of 45. Friday it will 90. I can’t change my underwear as fast at the weather changes in the beautiful state of Texas.  If you’ve never been to Texas make sure to get some BBQ and Mexican food it may give you gas but its worth it I promise!

I hate surprises when it comes to people. I would rather you be yourself from jump than pretend to be someone you’re not. I would never ask you to be like me and just put yourself out there from the get go. If you know me I’ll say just about anything, I volunteer information you probably didn’t want to know, I’ll let you know my faults, Ill tell a joke that might cause you to gasp, if the moment calls to cry with you I can and will, if you need me to defend you, I might lose my crap and get angry. I’ve been told and asked do you try to scare people away  before they get to know you? No I just want you to get to know me sooner than later. If you don’t like me you can move on and not waste time or say this is someone I want in my life forever. I want real! In any friendship or relationship there’s always a probationary period 1 month to 9 months. You kind of get a pass but we are who we are. What do you think is going to happen when people see the real you? I mean really think  about it if you become the bride or groom of chucky after 6 months do you think your relationship is going to flourish.

I have friends right now that long relationships are ending for the following, they were a drinker and hid it, one guy had kids that he never said anything about, another a porn addiction, one she sniffs markers when her kids go got school and passes out but gets up in enough time to still be mom and get the house ready. Another had an anger problem and she never knew he had until the first time she questioned him.  When you go home and close the door who knows that person.

Do you allow people to see the real you or do you put on a show? Do you exhaust yourself so much trying to prove you’re a great Christian, or mom, dad, friend but when you get home all hell breaks loose. The door closes behind you and your Halloween costume comes on. Being real is rare. I don’t have many friends, lots of people who claim to be friend but I have heard you are like nobody I’ve ever met. I always say thank you I wear that proudly. I tried to be a famous actor, and put my Halloween costume  on for people. It drove me to the point to try to take my life. I hope never again. I want you to like me but if you don’t its okay too. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I might be the best cup of tea you’ve had.

PS: Your closet door is open:)

 





Day 1514 I Hope for 25 years

16 04 2017

Happy Easter! An amazing day especially knowing about he resurrection. As today cam  and watching a case for Christ this week. There is no doubt Jesus died on the cross and came back 3 days later.
Even the most died hard who doesn’t believe respects the fact he rose.
I think I’m tough , I’ve taken some beatings but the physical annihilation of one’s body and ultimate suffocation on a cross is something I can’t fathom.
That happened for me! For my sorry butt. It happened for you. So he could watch us commit sin after sin, but love us enough to forgive us and allow us to continue to walk this earth.
I actually will tear up tomorrow. I don’t know how to love that much. When I tried to take my life every horrible thing I said to Jesus and he allowed me to stay. He gave me another chance.
Starting tomorrow the greatest miracle ever starts. It’s not about dumb, fake green grass, a basket, Cadbury eggs ( which I love),
It’s about a man who bleed to death but still had the words to say forgive them for they don’t know what they do.
That’s my Jesus.  I know that he loves me and I will celebrate him, today and in the storm. I love you Jesus.

AS I sat in Easter service last night a couple to my right caught my eye. I knew they were in their 60s A point was made she would squeeze his leg, he would nod, at one point he reached over to kiss her. I teared up. I wondered how much life they had lived, how many Easters had they sat in service, how many fights had they had, how many horrible things have they said to each other. Then I thought how many times have they said I love you, how they dealt with the death of their parents, the amazing things of their children, the moments that they took the others one breath away. when the moments happened that the other one was there,  when they sat in a room and were the most content ever without ever saying a word. They had those days where they hated the other one, wish that they weren’t together. Or those moments were the other person thought they looked their worst they closed their eyes and thanked God that they belonged to them.

I was longing for sure. I was married for 14 years. engaged for a bit. I always wanted that 25 years with someone. That I could look at them  and say I spent more of my life with you and I wouldn’t change it.  That you have tears running down your eyes because you know God kept you together. She could have quit but stayed. Funds were low and debts were high and she just sighed. When you didn’t understand menopause but kept saying I love you. When nothing felt more right than holding her hand on a walk, or in the movies and knowing that you did something for her that nobody else knows just you two.

So service was over I tapped the man on the shoulder. I know weird question but how long have you been married. 31 years he said. I said thank you. I was watching I’ve always wanted what you have. She looked at me and said we’ve never heard that but its been the best 31 years of my life. Neither quit, never stopped loving, We all know the hell of relationships and 31 years later.

I envy those people and anyone else who fought and didn’t quit. Even when everything said too. The best 31 years of my life. I think and pray for that. I had always hoped for 25 years. Now I’m further along in life it could happen. No matter what happens I believe in true, never quit love. Society says no. I believe in hopeless romantics, love everlasting, a hug that lasts for minutes and the world stops, a piece of paper saying you have a nice butt still, I still hope for my 25 years. In the meantime I’ll continue watching and asking those that do it to fill my hope tank.

Happy Easter and Love you





Day 1361 You cant see it

9 11 2016

The election is over and we survived. I think most people did. I wish people cared about their own lives as much as they care about things they have no control over. It’s a lesson we as a people may never understand or follow. In my short 41 years I see people fighting over politics trying to change someone else’s mind but they will continue to go to a job everyday they hate and they have control over it.

If I had my life to live over again I wouldn’t need to see it. I would just do it.  What are you talking about Tyler? We resist change because we have to see the whole staircase put together but until we do life stays the same. We wake up unhappy, stay in turbulent times, continue making the same mistakes, not wanting to deal with pain of rejection, failure, criticize  , losing, defeat, not being liked etc.  So we duck the pain popping up to see if the staircase is complete then we think we will walk right over and take the world by the private parts. Martin Luther King said that faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole staircase. Think about how many things in life you didn’t do because you didn’t the end of the road or top of the staircase. Life is about pain you can’t hide from it. So we think lets not take the step and therefore I don’t get hurt. That’s such a lie because of the regret of life is the hardest to cope with and it never is forgotten.

Most us go through life trying to pretend it okay when it’s not. Hoping we please someone else that can’t please themselves. Rather than saying I listened to them long enough and I know what I’ve already lost and now I’m going to do what is best for me. There is a quote not sure who from but it goes something like this: Courage is what feels most right for you! Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste death but once. Meaning they taste the fear but move forward.

Please today take the leap of faith, build the staircase one step at a time, start putting the puzzle together. You already know what its like to live in pain and fear and all we’ve done is created more fear and deep seeded pain. Where our lives are right now is just now they can be so much better. Think about the mistakes we’ve made, the destruction we created and look how far we have come. Since tomorrow isn’t promised now is a great time to start. Love you!





Day 527 What is inner strength

9 07 2014

Never a dull moment in my life anymore. With my kids this week we are always on the go especially since its summer but the weeks off are even busier. Lots of positive changes on the way as well. My career was the last part of me that I worked on. I know I’m not defined by money or what I do so I put it on the back-burner. Its time and things are starting to fall in place. I hope I will listen to God and be patient.

Inner strength: Definition the quality or state of being strong; bodily, mentally, or muscular power; vigor. I was asked yesterday  what I thought. inner strength meant to me. I will start off saying that we all have it and are born with it. Sure it can be learned like anything but it’s there you just have to be able to train it. That is mostly done through trails and tribulations. You don’t have to dig down when life is going great. Gandi said- Strength does not come from winning. Struggles develop your strength. You go through struggles and decide not to surrender that is strength.  I more than anything its the NOT SURRENDER that is inner strength.We all get down, we may have a week, month or months but when we don’t surrender we are developing that strength. I would say  that many of the people in my life have developed so much inner strength it s impossible to find anymore but we all know better. I know 6 people who lost the inner strength battle and took their life. They are no less of people they just surrendered and sometimes that may feel the best thing to do. It’s not or will it ever be. If you surrender yourself with the right people they will never let you go down that road. Isolation is a killer in so many ways.Doing the “thing” that feels so hard to do is what you have to overcome to find your inner strength. You may not want to but you must.  When my friend asked me what it meant to me this is what I told her. 1. When my marriage was crumbling having the strength to step up and forgive and put my pride down to save my family. If I would have surrendered without a good fight how could I look my kids in the eyes. I damn sure had more moments of screw this but I did it. I’m so much better for it. 2. I forgave my dad,I was never going to I felt I had paid my dues but until the moment I knelt at his grave did I even to know what forgiveness was or how to have inner strength. 3. I lost everything in my life and I didn’t kill myself. The demons were pushing for it and I was ready but I fought that. Now I try to help others fight those demons so they can get to the best part of their life. You have no idea how many people need your story or my story to help save them from themselves. 4.  I forgave me. I hated me, every part of me. I didn’t see any good about me at all. I had a moment of hitting my knees and asked God to please let me forgive myself and it happened. I still struggle many days but it’s so much better and I get a ton of encouragement as well. Never give and fight your ass off because your worth it.





Day 527 What is inner strength

9 07 2014

Never a dull moment in my life anymore. With my kids this week we are always on the go especially since its summer but the weeks off are even busier. Lots of positive changes on the way as well. My career was the last part of me that I worked on. I know I’m not defined by money or what I do so I put it on the back-burner. Its time and things are starting to fall in place. I hope I will listen to God and be patient.

Inner strength: Definition the quality or state of being strong; bodily, mentally, or muscular power; vigor. I was asked yesterday  what I thought. inner strength meant to me. I will start off saying that we all have it and are born with it. Sure it can be learned like anything but it’s there you just have to be able to train it. That is mostly done through trails and tribulations. You don’t have to dig down when life is going great. Gandi said- Strength does not come from winning. Struggles develop your strength. You go through struggles and decide not to surrender that is strength.  I more than anything its the NOT SURRENDER that is inner strength.We all get down, we may have a week, month or months but when we don’t surrender we are developing that strength. I would say  that many of the people in my life have developed so much inner strength it s impossible to find anymore but we all know better. I know 6 people who lost the inner strength battle and took their life. They are no less of people they just surrendered and sometimes that may feel the best thing to do. It’s not or will it ever be. If you surrender yourself with the right people they will never let you go down that road. Isolation is a killer in so many ways.Doing the “thing” that feels so hard to do is what you have to overcome to find your inner strength. You may not want to but you must.  When my friend asked me what it meant to me this is what I told her. 1. When my marriage was crumbling having the strength to step up and forgive and put my pride down to save my family. If I would have surrendered without a good fight how could I look my kids in the eyes. I damn sure had more moments of screw this but I did it. I’m so much better for it. 2. I forgave my dad,I was never going to I felt I had paid my dues but until the moment I knelt at his grave did I even to know what forgiveness was or how to have inner strength. 3. I lost everything in my life and I didn’t kill myself. The demons were pushing for it and I was ready but I fought that. Now I try to help others fight those demons so they can get to the best part of their life. You have no idea how many people need your story or my story to help save them from themselves. 4.  I forgave me. I hated me, every part of me. I didn’t see any good about me at all. I had a moment of hitting my knees and asked God to please let me forgive myself and it happened. I still struggle many days but it’s so much better and I get a ton of encouragement as well. Never give and fight your ass off because your worth it.





DAY 1 My fault/ My change

3 01 2013

Okay so 42 hrs in the car is a lot. I will say it was the best 42 hrs I have spent in my life in a car. I got to see some of the Civil War sites, many interesting people in truck stops,  listen to a lot of music. I also got to pray! I spent the first way up there getting rid of the of I am sorry myself, the mistakes I made, the people I hurt, the fact that my whole entire life started over. I apologized to God and myself, for the days I walked in, the war I started in my head on many days, for the faults I acquired along the way, every wall I raised, and every time I feel asleep at the wheel.

I spent my way home, praying for the things I m thankful for, my kids, , my family, the people I have met along this journey, the person I saved, the faces I have made smile, my ex-wife and the good times we had, how the sun actually shined on my face, its okay that I m not perfect, the best of me is standing right in front of me if I choose to take it, ever tear I had is now a smile, I am loveable, I am a good-looking man, that I m not going to miss my parade again,.

I know this doesn’t mean I won’t struggle or be alone or just want to punch through a wall some days. It does mean this said by Andy Andrews!

“From this day forward, my history will cease to control my destiny. I have forgiven myself. My life has just begun.”

Join me in this journey and we will arrive on the other side, better, happier, forgiven and full of life. DAY 1 Starts!!!








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