Day 824 This is what its like when someone understands you

30 04 2015

Howdy yall! I just wanted to sound like a Texan for a minute. The sun is shining and almost every lake around us is full of water which hasn’t been that way for 5 years. They are lifting water restrictions so most people are ready for the heat. I am, except the top of my head which is ready to burn and smell liked cooked bacon. Stayed tuned for further burning head debates.

I have some of the best friends,. They’re real and everyone is different but everyone  is needed to make my life where it is today. This person has been my friend for 25 years now. We took  a different path to become friends but have been able to talk about any and everything even with a 10 years of not talking much.

I don’t know anybody that wouldn’t want someone who at least trys to understand them. Sometimes they get you and sometimes even if they don’t they try really hard well this person below is that person for me. I’ve been searching for 7 weeks for the words to explain to the people who love me and you my blog reader where I am at. I saw this person Saturday spent about two hours talking and I received this last night. All I could say is wow and I teared up because they hit it on the head and said everything I couldn’t. If you want to know what its like to have someone understand you here it is for me.

New Living Translation Ecclesiastes 1:18
The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.
You are such a great speaker and dynamic and winsome that it is so easy to see you and see your facade.  Not that it is all a facade, but a facade in that you KNOW life.  You are not swayed by life’s antics and you are not faked out by what the world has to offer or what the world is promoting at the moment.  But in that, you are (in my opinion) striving to reach something different.  And in that you find discontentment in the gap between your knowledge and your desires.  Being unwilling to settle leaves you as a constant sojourner.  I think your soul is weary.  Very weary.  How else could a soul so full of vitality not be able to come up with any dreams except that it is burdened beyond capacity by the dreams themselves.  You do have dreams.  You have many, but you can’t name them.  I think you can’t name them because they are buried under the rubble of your tiredness of trying to live life to the fullest.
For days I have wanted to have a thought they made sense to me about your current “state”.  I was focusing on the fact that you can’t name a dream, but this morning I heard a sermon on Psalm 23 and it hit me!  It is not that you can’t dream, it is that you are so weary.  The man who wants to bridge the gap between this dreadful world and the world that Jesus promises.  The man who stands strong for his family, gives his heart to others, speaks to share his story, donates of his time and resources, reads, studies, prays, works, searches for love, searches for a career, carries a financial burden, carries the wreckage of his divorce,  wants a better life for his kids, wants to be there for his sister, nephew, and mom, the man who would give of his last breath is completely breathless.
So what do weary people need?  They need rest and reprieve.  I looked up Psalm 23 in several translations until I found this…
The Living Bible
2-3 He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams. He gives me new strength.
The Message Bible   True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.
The Amplified Bible
2 He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters.
3 He refreshes and restores my life (my self);
What if you forgot all the other promises of God and just meditated on this?  What if you let go of striving and just focused on breathing?  Maybe for a week?  It is hard to not feel the burden of your knowledge. I am not suggesting it is easy, but I feel you are drowning in such a way that you don’t even realize the depth of your breathlessness.
I don’t know the answer for you, but I want you to take in a deep breathe and just let go.  Stop reading and thinking and contemplating and striving and trying to reach others.  Just breathe…
This is my prayer for you until I get something new.  I love you too much to let you wither.  =)
That my friends is what a friend is. This took time and concern. You know who you are and for that I can’t thank you enough….. For those that care now you know where my mind is, now time to find that restful spot.





Day 824 This is what its like when someone understands you

29 04 2015

Howdy yall! I just wanted to sound like a Texan for a minute. The sun is shining and almost every lake around us is full of water which hasn’t been that way for 5 years. They are lifting water restrictions so most people are ready for the heat. I am, except the top of my head which is ready to burn and smell liked cooked bacon. Stayed tuned for further burning head debates.

I have some of the best friends,. They’re real and everyone is different but everyone  is needed to make my life where it is today. This person has been my friend for 25 years now. We took  a different path to become friends but have been able to talk about any and everything even with a 10 years of not talking much.

I don’t know anybody that wouldn’t want someone who at least trys to understand them. Sometimes they get you and sometimes even if they don’t they try really hard well this person below is that person for me. I’ve been searching for 7 weeks for the words to explain to the people who love me and you my blog reader where I am at. I saw this person Saturday spent about two hours talking and I received this last night. All I could say is wow and I teared up because they hit it on the head and said everything I couldn’t. If you want to know what its like to have someone understand you here it is for me.

New Living Translation Ecclesiastes 1:18
The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.
You are such a great speaker and dynamic and winsome that it is so easy to see you and see your facade.  Not that it is all a facade, but a facade in that you KNOW life.  You are not swayed by life’s antics and you are not faked out by what the world has to offer or what the world is promoting at the moment.  But in that, you are (in my opinion) striving to reach something different.  And in that you find discontentment in the gap between your knowledge and your desires.  Being unwilling to settle leaves you as a constant sojourner.  I think your soul is weary.  Very weary.  How else could a soul so full of vitality not be able to come up with any dreams except that it is burdened beyond capacity by the dreams themselves.  You do have dreams.  You have many, but you can’t name them.  I think you can’t name them because they are buried under the rubble of your tiredness of trying to live life to the fullest.
For days I have wanted to have a thought they made sense to me about your current “state”.  I was focusing on the fact that you can’t name a dream, but this morning I heard a sermon on Psalm 23 and it hit me!  It is not that you can’t dream, it is that you are so weary.  The man who wants to bridge the gap between this dreadful world and the world that Jesus promises.  The man who stands strong for his family, gives his heart to others, speaks to share his story, donates of his time and resources, reads, studies, prays, works, searches for love, searches for a career, carries a financial burden, carries the wreckage of his divorce,  wants a better life for his kids, wants to be there for his sister, nephew, and mom, the man who would give of his last breath is completely breathless.
So what do weary people need?  They need rest and reprieve.  I looked up Psalm 23 in several translations until I found this…
The Living Bible
2-3 He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams. He gives me new strength.
The Message Bible   True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.
The Amplified Bible
2 He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters.
3 He refreshes and restores my life (my self);
What if you forgot all the other promises of God and just meditated on this?  What if you let go of striving and just focused on breathing?  Maybe for a week?  It is hard to not feel the burden of your knowledge. I am not suggesting it is easy, but I feel you are drowning in such a way that you don’t even realize the depth of your breathlessness.
I don’t know the answer for you, but I want you to take in a deep breathe and just let go.  Stop reading and thinking and contemplating and striving and trying to reach others.  Just breathe…
This is my prayer for you until I get something new.  I love you too much to let you wither.  =)
That my friends is what a friend is. This took time and concern. You know who you are and for that I can’t thank you enough….. For those that care now you know where my mind is, now time to find that restful spot.

 

 





Day 822 Just go ahead and quit

27 04 2015

What do you do with a sick boat? You take it to the doc!! Okay I laughed but you don’t have to. A busy weekend seems to always find me but I m not good at sitting still so good for me. We at Rock Bottom Outreach had a photo shoot Sunday that was fun. Most photo shoots aren’t but being around people you share a common bond with  and knowing we will do with our marketing material is very exciting. We were told to look serious and smiling. Here is my serious. I look so scary!! 🙂

RBO photo shoot

It’s hard to beat a person that doesn’t quit. Sometimes you can’t do it. You never fail at anything until you quit. Just because it didn’t work the way you wanted you still succeeded until you just throw int he towel. To be:honest Ive quit twice in my life: First time is when I left TCU and decided I wasn’t playing football anymore. And in August 2011 when I decided it was time to take my life. Both of those moments in my life were the most pain staking but my life actually got better from both. I can relate to anyone is ready to throw in the towel. No matter how much better life gets life is about peeks, valleys, Sometimes you’re at the top and sometimes at the bottom. The top is not always as good as we think and the bottom is never has bad as we think. Saying all of this I’m just in a dead place in my life. It’s not horrible but its nothing.  The nothing of life sucks. So much so that you can’t appreciate right in front of you.  I know in this place God is working on me and in me. It frustrates those around me so much and I’m sure more than they tell me, but I do know and I promise I’m working on it.

When I need answers I look to others because I know if I rely on myself I fail. Ive asked for help and direction and listened. I heard the same answers I was used to or expecting.  I was looking for different so I went to my atheist buddy. He was a christian and devote but he just go tired of the what he called ” Jesus crap and people” and became and athiest. When we talk we debate not don’t argue and his points are very valid. You need friends  not like you because different views and ideas is what helps you grow as a person. I could bore you with the details but after 45 minutes he said you should just go ahead and  quit. He said your burden of knowledge has you head locked and just quit because you’re not going to get there with what you know. He said what you are dealing with is why I left God because I never got the answers I thought he was going to give me.

I looked  at him and told I always appreciate our talks but not this time. I will bust my butt to get where God wants me this time without throwing in the towel. I have quit and know better. People are relying on me and I’m so close to a breakthrough in my life-like I’ve never had.  I know some days are going to be good and some will suck but that door for you and for me is 6 inches away and if we claw, scratch and struggle when the door opens the life we thought is right there.

If you’re at the end of your rope, lost, lonely or just want an answer people don’t give up. Only when you quit do you fail. God is waiting for you to ask and he’s telling you just a bit further and trust me. He never left us, we left him and for me not this time Satan, take a hike.





Day 822 Just go ahead and quit

27 04 2015

What do you do with a sick boat? You take it to the doc!! Okay I laughed but you don’t have to. A busy weekend seems to always find me but I m not good at sitting still so good for me. We at Rock Bottom Outreach had a photo shoot Sunday that was fun. Most photo shoots aren’t but being around people you share a common bond with  and knowing we will do with our marketing material is very exciting. We were told to look serious and smiling. Here is my serious. I look so scary!! 🙂

RBO photo shoot

It’s hard to beat a person that doesn’t quit. Sometimes you can’t do it. You never fail at anything until you quit. Just because it didn’t work the way you wanted you still succeeded until you just throw int he towel. To be:honest Ive quit twice in my life: First time is when I left TCU and decided I wasn’t playing football anymore. And in August 2011 when I decided it was time to take my life. Both of those moments in my life were the most pain staking but my life actually got better from both. I can relate to anyone is ready to throw in the towel. No matter how much better life gets life is about peeks, valleys, Sometimes you’re at the top and sometimes at the bottom. The top is not always as good as we think and the bottom is never has bad as we think. Saying all of this I’m just in a dead place in my life. It’s not horrible but its nothing.  The nothing of life sucks. So much so that you can’t appreciate right in front of you.  I know in this place God is working on me and in me. It frustrates those around me so much and I’m sure more than they tell me, but I do know and I promise I’m working on it.

When I need answers I look to others because I know if I rely on myself I fail. Ive asked for help and direction and listened. I heard the same answers I was used to or expecting.  I was looking for different so I went to my atheist buddy. He was a christian and devote but he just go tired of the what he called ” Jesus crap and people” and became and athiest. When we talk we debate not don’t argue and his points are very valid. You need friends  not like you because different views and ideas is what helps you grow as a person. I could bore you with the details but after 45 minutes he said you should just go ahead and  quit. He said your burden of knowledge has you head locked and just quit because you’re not going to get there with what you know. He said what you are dealing with is why I left God because I never got the answers I thought he was going to give me.

I looked  at him and told I always appreciate our talks but not this time. I will bust my butt to get where God wants me this time without throwing in the towel. I have quit and know better. People are relying on me and I’m so close to a breakthrough in my life-like I’ve never had.  I know some days are going to be good and some will suck but that door for you and for me is 6 inches away and if we claw, scratch and struggle when the door opens the life we thought is right there.

If you’re at the end of your rope, lost, lonely or just want an answer people don’t give up. Only when you quit do you fail. God is waiting for you to ask and he’s telling you just a bit further and trust me. He never left us, we left him and for me not this time Satan, take a hike.





Day 819 People don’t impress me

25 04 2015

I had another amazing week with my kids. They are getting more trying though as my daughter is two weeks away from being a teenager  and I’m learning a new level of patience and just to be quite. It’s so hard when I never understood a grown woman’s hormones and now I have to understand a 12 year old’s. There is a better chance I may find a real life leprechaun.

All people are good and bad. All of us. We have all done stupid things and my level is worse than many but there are people who have  out done me 3 times over. We all put people on a pedestal and we should never and I mean never do that. The moment you do we will disappoint you. Most of the time not on purpose but because we all have fear, anger, doubt, apprehension, lack of belief and faith etc..  We think because people write a great blog, book, or they’re a pastor, great athlete, movie star, CEO that it makes them not human. Now I laugh when I see someone high-profile make a mistake and you hear, I just can’t believe they did that, I knew them my whole life and never thought, there a role model, look how many people respect them. I then ask when did they give up the title of a broken un-perfect human. Why do we hold these people to a different standard than we hold ourselves to. What they do is a job just like us. It maybe more high-profile and they make more money but they are still broken sinners. Sure it makes us feel better to hold them to a higher standard but its wrong and always will be. Actually people who are high-profile are subjected to more than we are in our daily lives and you can only deflect so much before it gets you. Think about the things that go on behind your closed doors and if people knew your life you would be so embarrassed but you wouldn’t want people to judge you but they will. So my point?

People don’t impress me. I have met enough of all of these high-profile people and know their just like me and possibly with more distractions of life.  I didn’t say I don’t respect what they do. Example Lebron James is an amazing basketball player I respect him for his talents but would I be surprised if he did something bad. No but I’m also not going to put him on a pedestal and talk crap about him, how could he, I never. There is nothing that anyone in the world that could do that I would be surprised by. No matter how much or how little you have we are sinners and broken. Some hide it better and some get put on the news. I just learned if I judge I will be judge. That crap of only God can judge is such BS. God is THE JUDGE but on this earth everybody is entitled to judge and we do. So rather than tear down someone who made a mistake just remember your about to make one too. Offer grace and a closed mouth and hopefully when your time of stupidity comes we will be treated the same.





Day 819 People don’t impress me

24 04 2015

I had another amazing week with my kids. They are getting more trying though as my daughter is two weeks away from being a teenager  and I’m learning a new level of patience and just to be quite. It’s so hard when I never understood a grown woman’s hormones and now I have to understand a 12 year old’s. There is a better chance I may find a real life leprechaun.

All people are good and bad. All of us. We have all done stupid things and my level is worse than many but there are people who have  out done me 3 times over. We all put people on a pedestal and we should never and I mean never do that. The moment you do we will disappoint you. Most of the time not on purpose but because we all have fear, anger, doubt, apprehension, lack of belief and faith etc..  We think because people write a great blog, book, or they’re a pastor, great athlete, movie star, CEO that it makes them not human. Now I laugh when I see someone high-profile make a mistake and you hear, I just can’t believe they did that, I knew them my whole life and never thought, there a role model, look how many people respect them. I then ask when did they give up the title of a broken un-perfect human. Why do we hold these people to a different standard than we hold ourselves to. What they do is a job just like us. It maybe more high-profile and they make more money but they are still broken sinners. Sure it makes us feel better to hold them to a higher standard but its wrong and always will be. Actually people who are high-profile are subjected to more than we are in our daily lives and you can only deflect so much before it gets you. Think about the things that go on behind your closed doors and if people knew your life you would be so embarrassed but you wouldn’t want people to judge you but they will. So my point?

People don’t impress me. I have met enough of all of these high-profile people and know their just like me and possibly with more distractions of life.  I didn’t say I don’t respect what they do. Example Lebron James is an amazing basketball player I respect him for his talents but would I be surprised if he did something bad. No but I’m also not going to put him on a pedestal and talk crap about him, how could he, I never. There is nothing that anyone in the world that could do that I would be surprised by. No matter how much or how little you have we are sinners and broken. Some hide it better and some get put on the news. I just learned if I judge I will be judge. That crap of only God can judge is such BS. God is THE JUDGE but on this earth everybody is entitled to judge and we do. So rather than tear down someone who made a mistake just remember your about to make one too. Offer grace and a closed mouth and hopefully when your time of stupidity comes we will be treated the same.





Day 816 I don’t know

22 04 2015

Many of the seasons I have learned in the last 4 years is how to keep my mouth shut. I’m still not great at it but I promise I try so hard.  We as men have always been raised to fix it, have all the answers and we when we didn’t our worth as a man was shattered.

My past life I always had the answers all of them from God himself to how to plant a garden which I had never done. You asked a question either I had studied it or made it up because I wanted you to think how great, how smart, how worldly I was. In my business I would even walk away and say wow that was some pretty good made up crap!! Never in my life would I say I don’t know let me go find the answer. First of all I would never have asked for help and second I wouldn’t look vulnerable. If another men thinks you don’t know something and he does well he’ll get the last laugh. You also would never not have the answer in front of a woman. I had a great God complex because I thought I had to or did know everything. I remember once I literally went and threw a brick at a house were  working on because I gave the wrong answer. I was so arrogant I thought I had to know everything. I was a control freak and that’s what we do. We control and know everything. Funny thing is we don’t know anything and can barely control our bowels..

In the past year especially I don’t want to know everything it takes too much energy. If I’m the smartest man in the room I need to go to another room. If I don’t have the answer or if you need it now google it otherwise I truly don’t care. I’m no longer a control freak or care to be. There are plenty of other people to care that torch. The best words that I have uttered the last year of my life are I love you and I don’t know. I walk away in either situation with a full heart and empty mind.

Today was my 6th week of counseling and about 20 minutes in I wondered why I came today. Then my counselor Brian started pouring some things on me. We have the back and forth counseling role going lol. I listened more than I spoke today and all I kept saying to myself was I don’t know. About 5 minutes before we closed I looked at Brian and said I don’t know. I have no idea how to get over this hump I was in. I don’t know and I started crying. I was overcoming with emotions and I had didn’t know why, how or what the heck I was crying for or felt rudderless.  I told Brian that the past six weeks and been the crappiest 6 weeks in a long time. we paused for about 30 secs and it felt like an hour and Brian said can we pray. I just nodded. He started and said I know this is going to make Tyler more upset but the past 6 weeks was the best six weeks I had with him. Then theses words hit me like a ton of bricks If Tyler can’t make it and figure out this world then we are all screwed. We got up and hugged each other and then with a big smile said what do I owe you for this session. ………….

I’m not sure why I wrote this today except my head and heart were about to explode and I needed to get it off my chest. Is there a lesson? Yes for me “I don’t know” is okay and in the confusion of I don’t know  and my tears maybe was the answer I have been searching for. I have the answers and they are sitting with me everywhere I go. If I choose to believe in me and trust I lose the I don’t know.








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