Day 975 When nobody is looking

28 09 2015

Its been 10 days since I blogged. It seems like I have a million ideas but couldn’t put my thoughts into words so here I am today trying to put 10 days of thoughts into one blog.

One lesson I remember from my dad is that who you are when nobody is looking is truly who you are. I fought for so long. I wanted you to think I was the greatest thing since Oreos. I would tell you all the great things I did, from helping the homeless, giving money to people who needed it, giving a job to someone or writing a note to make sure someone was having a great day, I would pick up trash in front of someone, or speak loud enough when I was giving good advice so everyone could hear it.  Problem was is that when I was alone, I hated people, I talked about them, I cussed God, if I didn’t worry about me then nobody will including God, I thought about every fear I had, my lack of self-esteem, how unworthy I was, and how much I hated myself.

If you’re trying to look great on the grand stage of life you can. You can paint the most glorious of pictures and tell how great it is but  if all you’re doing inside is building walls then eventually you crumble. If you have to tell people how great you are then you’re not.  If your only willing to do good when someone is watching the boat has been missed.Some of the greatest people I know have never mentioned a thing good they have done. Somebody else did or I caught it with my own eyes. That is what makes somebody good and a warrior for God when they aren’t looking for praise but just to truly make someones life better.

My other point is what you think about yourself when your alone is who you are. Some of what society says are the best people in the world hit their Rock bottom because who they were when they were alone is what they couldn’t overcome. My friend AJ always said you could put a dress on a pig but it’s still a pig. Meaning in this instance that if you proclaim all your good and inside your dying then that’s what will happen.

Here’s a great example: If we were talking I would tell you that I want to love again and would do anything to prove that. When I get alone with my thoughts and even when Im talking to God my conversation is totally different. Its more that: I won’t fall in love, I don’t deserve it, God doesn’t want that for me and essentially I sabotage myself. We are what we believe not what we proclaim out loud to others.

So after getting a good jolt of reality today I have more to work on. I sigh because the process never ends but if you know it then God and we can fix it. It’s so true that you are what you believe when your alone then at least there are good things I believe that I never used to believe so I have to look at the positive too.

When I’m alone I know I like pizza, Oreos and football. See I’m already getting better. Thank you

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Day 975 When nobody is looking

27 09 2015

Its been 10 days since I blogged. It seems like I have a million ideas but couldn’t put my thoughts into words so here I am today trying to put 10 days of thoughts into one blog.

One lesson I remember from my dad is that who you are when nobody is looking is truly who you are. I fought for so long. I wanted you to think I was the greatest thing since Oreos. I would tell you all the great things I did, from helping the homeless, giving money to people who needed it, giving a job to someone or writing a note to make sure someone was having a great day, I would pick up trash in front of someone, or speak loud enough when I was giving good advice so everyone could hear it.  Problem was is that when I was alone, I hated people, I talked about them, I cussed God, if I didn’t worry about me then nobody will including God, I thought about every fear I had, my lack of self-esteem, how unworthy I was, and how much I hated myself.

If you’re trying to look great on the grand stage of life you can. You can paint the most glorious of pictures and tell how great it is but  if all you’re doing inside is building walls then eventually you crumble. If you have to tell people how great you are then you’re not.  If your only willing to do good when someone is watching the boat has been missed.Some of the greatest people I know have never mentioned a thing good they have done. Somebody else did or I caught it with my own eyes. That is what makes somebody good and a warrior for God when they aren’t looking for praise but just to truly make someones life better.

My other point is what you think about yourself when your alone is who you are. Some of what society says are the best people in the world hit their Rock bottom because who they were when they were alone is what they couldn’t overcome. My friend AJ always said you could put a dress on a pig but it’s still a pig. Meaning in this instance that if you proclaim all your good and inside your dying then that’s what will happen.

Here’s a great example: If we were talking I would tell you that I want to love again and would do anything to prove that. When I get alone with my thoughts and even when Im talking to God my conversation is totally different. Its more that: I won’t fall in love, I don’t deserve it, God doesn’t want that for me and essentially I sabotage myself. We are what we believe not what we proclaim out loud to others.

So after getting a good jolt of reality today I have more to work on. I sigh because the process never ends but if you know it then God and we can fix it. It’s so true that you are what you believe when your alone then at least there are good things I believe that I never used to believe so I have to look at the positive too.

When I’m alone I know I like pizza, Oreos and football. See I’m already getting better. Thank you





Day 965 Give up hope of having a better past

17 09 2015

I’m a  guy who takes chances and always have. Investing lets take chances, playing sports chances and now fantasy football. Now I watch football yelling at a guy that I don’t care about, to do something good and the chances are he stinks and I’m wishing for him to be something he can’t.  I guess its good to warm up the vocal cords.

I started teaching/facilitating the men’s sexual purity class on Monday night and just wow. It was an experience I had hoped for but not really expected to go the way it did. It fascinates me to listen to others stories. Not only do you realize that you’re not on an island but we are so similar. I told my testimony and if you haven’t heard it I let it all hangout. I think me being vulnerable allows others to know that its okay. I had a few raised eyebrows but it was those guys that opened up a lot. While going around the circle and back and forth I heard one guy say that he has to give up hope of having a better past. I asked him where he heard that,he didn’t remember but I stopped and man those words had me. I had heard don’t live in the past, leave the past behind etc.. but never had I heard it put that way. Read this again. GIVE UP HOPE OF HAVING A BETTER PAST. I tell my testimony and the story comes from my past but like anyone if I wouldn’t have done XYZ, I would have my family in tact, or maybe I would be married again , or blah blah. Bottom line I can wish, hope, and pray but my past and your past is dead. We will never change that and God doesn’t change the past either. It’s a part of you the good and bad but all that matters is the here and now. Yes if there was a time machine I would go back and fix a lot of hurt, words, and pain I inflicted but I can’t. All I can do is live my hours, days and years upcoming hoping that my past was a lesson,  That I can change the outcome of my children’s lives, that everyone comes in contact say he’s not who he used to be, that he loves and he gives his all for others. I have said all the sorries I know to say but hoping for a better past is like praying that I can save everyone from themselves. That won’t happen but hoping for a better past is futile and downright dumb. We are not our past, we are not our mistakes. What we are is forgiven and with that if we wake up tomorrow we are given another chance to right the wrongs that we created in the past. Give hope that tomorrow can be different. We have no idea what it may bring but its new and nothing of the past can ruin it unless we allow it.

Start today: GIVE UP HOPE OF HAVING A BETTER PAST!!!!!!

 





9 Reasons You’re Struggling to Find Love Again

15 09 2015

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

“I’m never going to find anybody else.”

“I’m doomed to die an old cat lady.”

“Nobody else is ever going to love me like he/she did.”

“My ex was the one. And now he/she is gone and I’m alone.”

I hear it all the time. Variations on a theme. A composition of loneliness and longing that often settles into bitterness and resolve.

After divorce or a break up, most people enter a phase of chosen singlehood. It is a period to regain sanity, re-establish self and start the steps into a new life. If kids are in the picture, this swearing-off of partnership may last until the children are grown and gone.

Yet at some point, most people decide (or, even if it is not a conscious choice, start to respond to a pull towards) to enter a new relationship. To entertain the thought of dating and be open to…

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Day 961 Im going to teach a sexual purity class

14 09 2015

Football is here and the world is a better place. My Cowboys are going to  crank it up tonight and my college teams are doing pretty good so far. It actually cooled down yesterday to 88 and it felt so good. I only slightly cooked the top of my bald head.  Here’s to the Cowboys winning the Superbowl and the rest of you crying about it 🙂

Yes you read that right I’m going to teach a Men’s  sexual purity class. I’m sure a few of you that know me are sitting at your computer with your mouth dropped open. Two weeks ago I was asked before counseling that I was recommended and would I consider it. I laughed at first because God is a funny dude. You mean me that has been with 190 women in my life, the same guy that struggled with porn and boobie bars, that objectified women and still many times does. They guys who had/ has received pictures and sent pictures that had no business asking for or receiving.  Yes that’s me and I’m sure a few are saying Tyler is the last person that needs to be doing this. Well when I first was asked that’s what I thought but then I got some words of wisdom and prayer.

To me there is nothing worse that getting advice or help from someone who doesn’t have a clue. Someone who speaks about divorce but never been there, a Dr that’s a podiatrist but telling a patient about their cancer, someone who lost a parent or child how to handle it but never lost either, or someone telling me how to remodel or build a house because you watched HDTV. Sure your entitled to your opinion but that doesn’t mean you know. Having a sinner  teach other sinners is better than having someone who doesn’t think they sin teach sinners.

I’m teaching this men’s sexual purity class for a few reasons, 1.I know the sexual struggle and its real. It maybe one of the biggest killer of relationships from porn, cheating, lust etc. I have lived it and it sucks but I know the steps to take and I’m somewhat pretty decent at following through, In 5 years I’ve only had sex 5 times. Considering my past that is a victory. 2. God has asked me to do it. God will let you put your money with your mouth is. I talk a good game about being a different man and trying to live that way, well here you go Go help others. 3. I need it! I need to tell my story, tell what I struggle with, and be held accountable. 4. My openness and vulnerability will help someone. If you have never heard me speak or just talk in my daily life I let it all go. You may not like it but  its whats best for me and I know because what I have been told it has helped others. When a man who follows God, allows himself to be real and true others will be helped. Men normally just don’t let you know their mistakes, they won’t tell you why they failed. When  God gives you an ability to do something you go do it.

I’m actually nervous about tomorrow night. I rarely get nervous but that just means something big is coming. Think about me tomorrow night, if you pray please pray not for my words but his. Those that don’t think this is a good idea its okay too, you’re right I’ll mess up but that makes God great he God forgives and allows us to get back on the saddle if we choose too.





Day 961 Im going to teach a sexual purity class

13 09 2015

Football is here and the world is a better place. My Cowboys are going to  crank it up tonight and my college teams are doing pretty good so far. It actually cooled down yesterday to 88 and it felt so good. I only slightly cooked the top of my bald head.  Here’s to the Cowboys winning the Superbowl and the rest of you crying about it 🙂

Yes you read that right I’m going to teach a Men’s  sexual purity class. I’m sure a few of you that know me are sitting at your computer with your mouth dropped open. Two weeks ago I was asked before counseling that I was recommended and would I consider it. I laughed at first because God is a funny dude. You mean me that has been with 190 women in my life, the same guy that struggled with porn and boobie bars, that objectified women and still many times does. They guys who had/ has received pictures and sent pictures that had no business asking for or receiving.  Yes that’s me and I’m sure a few are saying Tyler is the last person that needs to be doing this. Well when I first was asked that’s what I thought but then I got some words of wisdom and prayer.

To me there is nothing worse that getting advice or help from someone who doesn’t have a clue. Someone who speaks about divorce but never been there, a Dr that’s a podiatrist but telling a patient about their cancer, someone who lost a parent or child how to handle it but never lost either, or someone telling me how to remodel or build a house because you watched HDTV. Sure your entitled to your opinion but that doesn’t mean you know. Having a sinner  teach other sinners is better than having someone who doesn’t think they sin teach sinners.

I’m teaching this men’s sexual purity class for a few reasons, 1.I know the sexual struggle and its real. It maybe one of the biggest killer of relationships from porn, cheating, lust etc. I have lived it and it sucks but I know the steps to take and I’m somewhat pretty decent at following through, In 5 years I’ve only had sex 5 times. Considering my past that is a victory. 2. God has asked me to do it. God will let you put your money with your mouth is. I talk a good game about being a different man and trying to live that way, well here you go Go help others. 3. I need it! I need to tell my story, tell what I struggle with, and be held accountable. 4. My openness and vulnerability will help someone. If you have never heard me speak or just talk in my daily life I let it all go. You may not like it but  its whats best for me and I know because what I have been told it has helped others. When a man who follows God, allows himself to be real and true others will be helped. Men normally just don’t let you know their mistakes, they won’t tell you why they failed. When  God gives you an ability to do something you go do it.

I’m actually nervous about tomorrow night. I rarely get nervous but that just means something big is coming. Think about me tomorrow night, if you pray please pray not for my words but his. Those that don’t think this is a good idea its okay too, you’re right I’ll mess up but that makes God great he God forgives and allows us to get back on the saddle if we choose too.

 





Day 958 My son cried on his birthday

11 09 2015

When you’re a parent the moments you think wow I did a good job are few and far between. I’ve  always been super hard on myself and now I’ve learned to be humble I rarely say anything good about me. Its just feels weird. Most of my close friends would tell you that I should try to give myself a bit of credit. Well  I spent years of taking from life it’s just better to give back and be quite. I have learned though its good to give God what he deserves so here is one of those moments.

B birthday 1 B birthday 2 B birthday 3

yesterday my son turned 7. I remember that we found out we were pregnant it was one of the toughest times in my life. I never appreciated him the way I should. I had lost my dad a few years before, I had just kicked my best friend out of my life and I was a mess with a capital M. I was excited that he was coming but I was like oh no another kid to screw up, I hope he doesn’t become me, what do I teach him. Will he see through my crap, and  a laundry list of other stuff that was just a bunch of lies. I truly have forgotten many of his early years I was so self-absorbed in me. I have pictures that help remind me but really that’s it. If you follow my blog you know the day I attempted suicide that when I got home I made a promise to be the best father I could be and would become.  So to get on to yesterday: I spoiled him no doubt but that’s my job, parent, teach, and spoil, rinse and repeat. My family came up they spoiled him too and he got Pokeman cards, wrestling cards, a football, a wrestler, cloths, legos, a video game and Disney Infinity Three with the Yoda figurine for the game. I would explain Infinity but just google it. It’s a video game system. We went through all the presents and saved the Infinity system for last because that’s wheat he wanted the most. I teased him and told him that he had too much other stuff so he didn’t get Infinity and we just needed to be grateful. ( I only did that because my parents did it to me). We get to last 2 presents and he opens the figure then I think he realized the next present was the infinity system. He yelled Oh my Gosh daddy then he comes over and gives me the tightest hug he has ever given me. If you see the pictures above. He started crying  while hugging me and said: Daddy I didn’t deserve all of this, your such a good daddy. He cried for at least three minutes. I told him how proud I was of him, that he did deserve it, that I was thankful to be his daddy, and he was an amazing little boy. I just held him because I didn’t want that moment to end. If you see the other pics the football he smiled and the other pic shows the tears in his eyes with his Infinity.

When something like that happens I can look at all the bad I had done in my past or I can look at the here and now. My amazing family, my beautiful loving teenage daughter and my son. That was so humbled at 7 that he said that he didn’t deserve the gift and he’s sensitive enough to know its okay to cry in front of others. No matter my mistakes who I am today is what matters. The past helped shape me but my today is what makes me. I know when I pray everyday for my kids and ask God to give me wisdom. He has heard my prayers and now allows me to speak the correct words and not mine.  So yes I’m giving myself credit today. The most important job for a man is to raise his kids. If I or we don’t the world will and that leads to Rock Bottom.
To the smartest, funniest, most loving, hugging, wittiest boy I know, I love you Brayden Wood. Big thank you to my sister for snapping the photos and caring so much for us.








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