Day 1828 I dont need you but want…

25 06 2018

Welcome to the season of we Texans call hell. Its hot but not just hot, your skin stings. BO is a 3 minute monster, some people’s legs chap, beads of sweat are your friends, and the smell of bacon cooking off of a bald men’s head is a pleasant smell. Well anyway come to Texas you eventuality tan to a some color other than red.

I was actually asked to write by 3 people they missed me. It’s not that I don’t want to just sometimes there’s so much it feels like theirs nothing. but here I go.

In counseling I used the word I need a lot. I need this person, i need this job, this house. Over a period of time I got straightened out fairly well. We as humans need only these things. Three basic needs of humans are drinkable water, nourishing food and adequate sleep, according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The ability to breathe is also necessary for humans.

So there you have it blog is over.. No wait, I get really tired of hearing I need her or him. If that was true the moment they left we would die, or how did we make it all of those years without them. (Tyler come on your being dramatic). I understand the feeling of need but there is no need to want anybody. Now when you want the other person you have got something magical. Wanting someone allows you to do more for them. If you need them you expect them to do things they can’t or wont. Wanting holds no expectation and when you get it you feel overjoyed, blessed and lucky to have them. rather than I must have them, they need to do this for me. Do we all need love and respect yes but we can discuss that another time too.

Here’s what this means for me. I can never be a mom and a woman can’t be a dad. What I can do is be the best man I can possibly be in my life. I cannot perform the function of a woman so when the one comes into my life I will appreciate her so much more. I can do whatever is needed to provide to my kids, I can love them, I can love others, I can change my part of the world, I can do and be better always. If a woman never shows up in my life for whatever reason and decides to stay I will still be the amazing man that I am with or without one. I don’t need her to live. BUT if I find the woman I want i will experience love like I pictured in my head, my heart will be full, my family will be complete again. I will have a true partner that i always wanted. My problem is I thought I need a woman to be whole, be a better man, love my  kids more, help change the world. Truth is I needed me to be the person i was designed to be.

This might be a completely foreign concept- need vs want. You want to be successful in a relationship find the things you want and you work on you being what you need for yourself. Stop making people out to be a need. What happens when they leave or die. Then you die? No you hope the one your with mourns, misses you but can pickup and continue to want whats missing but can live because they now the basic needs.

I always appreciate you reading and WANT you to continue.  Peace out peeps

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Day 1808 You choose your hell

5 06 2018

Hello blog peeps. In the airport people watching getting ready to head to Florida. I should get paid to people watch, what  an awesome sport.

I m trying to find my purpose and slowly I think I am. I want to serve young men and women and give them hope that they can change. We have all been told people don’t change well that’s the biggest line of crap we have ever been fed. If someone tells you that it’s the hardest thing you will ever do that may not be enough to tell someone, you have to show them.

We all have to face our mistakes either out loud in a blog, group, with the ones me hurt or in our own silent hell,  My hell which is still going on is every Friday afternoon when I have dropped off my kids to go to their moms and I have the turn-key hell. Turn key hell= When I get to my house door and I open the door and the no sound, emptiness feeling of my house.  I’m about to walk into without the laughing of my kids, the pushing of my kids, the no cartoons, the i don’t want to eat that, Can I have more, I m bored, I don’t want to brush my teeth and mostly the I love you daddy. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I haven’t got used to that yet. My dog greets me and she looks for the kids and I tell her no Vaida next Friday and she walks over to her bed because she misses them. There is no women to say how was your day, the smell of a women, the we need to do this, can you go do this or a hug or kiss. So I put my bag down in the chair and every time I hope for a different feeling but I have to stop when the door closes behind me take a deep breath and realize this is the hell you created. The great thing is I have the feeling because I will remember it. You can’t make the mistakes that we all do and not expect the to be repercussions. So men if you don’t deal with your crap, ego, your pride, you fear and your left with and empty house don’t blame anyone expect yourself. Man up, there are to many resources for you to have to say at 60 I’m sorry for what I didn’t do, because it can be done. Or keep doing what you’re doing, be separated from your kids, have the hollow empty feeling of loss that can only be stitched up, and go into the empty, quite, lonely hell that you created. It will happen you’re not one of the stats that gets away with it. I can promise that the Friday turn-key hell is worse than any hell she, or your ego supposedly has put you through.

That was it in a nutshell. I don’t want anyone to feel that you can’t change and you cant restore. AS NIKE SAYS: JUST DO IT





Day 1792 Why Divorced/single in 2018 is more devastating

20 05 2018

Good happy Sunday may evening, I’m about to have a Jr and 4th grader, The school years fly by when you get older. I thought Christmas break was just over and look here we are about to end school and start smelling like BO because of the Texas heat.  Here’s to grilling, BO, sunburns, farmers tan, peeing in the pool and chlorine/swimming pool bath.

Excuse my use of the word devastating put an end to the existence of (something) by damaging or attacking it. This is not directed at anyone and I know there is always another side to my argument. To save your breath, your right I’ll just be the other side.

The world we live in now is ruled by social media, the fake life of what we want you to see. You leave someones, page, site, profile and like OMG they are so great why can’t I measure up.

People quit at everything now. there is no perseverance ( yes  i know there is some) in relationships, people think the next one will be right. For better or worse or let me get to know this person that doesn’t happen. My friend said her boyfriend or girlfriend did this why don’t you?Well because were different and we all bring good and bad to the table.

Loyalty I wonder without looking could someone tell you the definition. could someone tell you that an emotional affair is the same as a physical.  And honesty. Just be honest tell me everything. I know your not single in today’s world because you did nothing wrong. If its only 10% tell me your 10%. A date ender for me is what did you do wrong in your relationships. if the other person says well he! I stop it right there! Why because I’m not going to date him and I don’t care what he did at this moment. Tell me about you. Throw every damn card on the table and let me choose if I want to move  forward.

There is nothing more refreshing than someone being real and telling, I screwed up this way, I know it now and I want to change it and I’m working so hard on it. Im insecure but if you will be patient with me we can get through. Im like heck yes someone who gets.

I hear people say sex has to be great and they have to be physically attractive. Absolutely but if you can’t communicate and your checking over their shoulder every time they are doing something you will fail. If you don’t trust in the beginning, do you really think your going to trust down the road? What about the night sex sucks. wouldn’t it be great to say let me explain where my head was today. It wasn’t you and you list out why it sucked. She understands, she cares more, she gets you. She becomes more emotionally attached then you feel like she respects and wow you have a fully functional relationship. Who knew!!!!

Finally nobody really wants to be married anymore! It might be the hardest thing to do in this twisted, social media world, where you’re told to run rather than stay and fight (not actually fight). I would much rather have someone that loves me more often, wants to choke me some days but will just poke me with a toothpick (in love) than date!!!!

Why are you in a relationship if you’re not going to be devoted/ married to the person forever. Really whats the point. That is a first date question. Dont lie, if that’s not your intention that’s okay but for the love of God tell them. Just be honest! I want to be married again, if someone tells me that they don’t that’s okay, doesn’t make you a bad person just means you dont fit me.

PS. Not everyone is going to like you! Not every person you date is going to feel it. Dont get your under roos in a wad, learn one thing from the date and move on. We are looking for one great person not an army!

Okay that’s enough for today! Love you





Day 1871 is the past the past

30 04 2018

Another week and another day getting Balder. Man the patch on my head if I let me hair grow just a little bit looks like i have mange.  Also the fact next week my daughter will be 16 I’m officially getting more seasoned. I don’t use the word old.

The past is the past or is it? I believe it is. What I did in my past will never change. I’m sorry, and wish more than anything I could change the pain i caused people, the people I stepped on to get what I wanted, the conditions I put on people that I wouldn’t follow, the relationships I wrecked because of fear, or the men I hurt because honestly it made me feel better.  I paid my penance and some days I relieve it. I will never forget what happened or what I did but I’m taking my past to help change people’s lives. I never thought one day I’m going to take this crappy relationship or whatever and help change people lives. I wish you could have been with me when my life started the tumble that I  saw coming (at that point it was too late). Would I blow my brains out, try to drown slowly, have a car crash, or just ove dose. I get it and I was alone during my walk by my choice. People who struggle with anger, self-worth, addictions, sex, manipulation. Why do i do this because people harbor their past and live in it. Living in the past will kill you one way or another. I want to help the people who want to learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. We’re a rare bird but we attract other rare birds which is one cool flock.

If you’re a person that constantly reminds people of their past, or you can’t forgive them of their past especially when trying to get better! You’re the one with the problem. Get out of the relationship. You need help. Don’t crush someone else because you can’t deal with yourself.

The past is the past and if you hold that against someone you need to be someone else’s past. People can never change if you continue to slap them with things that can’t be changed. Yes you can mend fences but what caused the fence to fall wont be forgotten. Its our job to look past the past and try to help that person move forward, if you cant, please step away, remember grace is a 2 way street

God died on the cross to forgive our sins from tomorrow, today, and yesterday. So stop playing God people, it is finished, let it go. He died for everyone, not the ones you can’t forgive. Dont try drinking a cup of poison and hope the other person gets sick.

Love you all.





Day 1856 Assuming? You will be a%%hole

15 04 2018

Good evening. Hope wherever you are you can just stop and say thank you for something in your life.

No matter how open, or honest I am or unafraid to ask someone something I still assume. It’s usually because I think I know, or past behavior or just you get used to it from that person. In honesty, if there are 50 times I assumed I might,just might, be right 5 times. Those are not good odds but since its easier than asking someone we take those horrible odds and assume. You can say I think, I know, I guess but bottom-line its assuming.

Every time I assume I look like an asshole, or I am an asshole or come a cross like I don’t care. I try so hard not to assume because it really hurts people. Usually its something important but even more important to them.  So why do we do it? Pure stupidity and laziness. I truly don’t think the intention is to hurt the other person but we do. Then we get upset that we hurt that person because we knew better. So whats my point?

This time I’m not going to tell you how I screwed up but how a few people this week hurt me bad. One broke my heart but because I’m a big tough guy I’m supposed to take. If you know me I’m the most real, honest (you may not want to hear it) person. All I want is you to do that back to me. If I react the wrong way that’s on me, you walk away and say hey I did what you asked. When you assume and are so blatantly wrong you are an asshole. I know we live in a world where everyone hides from true human connection, we think we know how someone is or whats going on by social media. Thats just stupid in the first place but to assume, that someone doesn’t need you, or they are okay, or you thought something they posted was about you. Come on people!! The good ole days were good in that people actually talked out their issues, or concerns and walked away agreeing to disagreeing but were still, friends, lovers whatever.

Or how about whenever someone gives you their answer that’s actually the answer, you don’t have to assume anymore they told. I dont give a crap if you like the answer or want it to change but thats their answer. I miss people, I miss real relationships, I miss love because people assume what they want. We are becoming the world of less courageous know it alls that know nothing but assume we know everything.

I guess my rant is over, just know you need to ask me, be honest with me, just don’t leave me hanging, then I’ll just assume  you’re an asshole. (See what I did there) .  Goodnight

 





Day 1852 Alone or Lonely? This hurts to hear.

11 04 2018

Hello from lovely Naples Florida. I have a job now that I travel when my babies are with their mom. So I get to jet set around the U.S. Its better than sitting at home with an unoccupied mind.  I enjoy it because I see a lot I haven’t seen. It’s cool how after a few years how areas change. So I try to soak it up and not stand out which is hard because I don’t hide well.

Alone or Lonely. I believe these get so misunderstood so often and there is a huge difference. I have never met one person who likes to be lonely but I have met many people who enjoy being alone. Being alone is a necessity in learning how to be a fully mature adult. You have to learn how to be with you, what do you like, are you comfortable in your own skin, can you do something by yourself. You need the alone time to reflect, talk to God or whoever you talk to. Alone is learning to be free or have freedom. I believe learning to be alone is a positive, you rely on you, even in a relationship you need to learn to be alone.

Lonely is a feeling you would probably come up against right after a break up, divorce, separation, distance, etc. The contact you had with another is no longer there, but you are wishing and longing for it. You are wanting it so bad that it affects you. We all l know people, not  a person that can’t stand being alone or lonely. Thats called Co-Dependant. Someone has to be there, they don’t feel loved, cared for or that they matter. They find their happiness in someone or something else and cannot stand being with themselves. Social media is a great place to watch people bounce from one relationship, to another.

Everyone gets lonely especially if your by yourself a lot and there is nothing wrong with be lonely except when you can’t do anything by yourself. have you ever went to a movie by yourself, dinner by yourself, sat at the lake by yourself etc… and it felt good? If not I think its imperative. If you are looking at people to fill that void you will be truly let down.

Before you can start another  relationship, whether it be a friend, you must first learn the joy and see the bliss of alone. If you search for someone or something to fill the void of your loneliness, you will find the exact same thing. Another person who is lonely and looking to fill a void. No one should start a relationship of any kind while they are lonely. It is an equation for failure which will push you to start over on your own journey of loneliness. Once you are alone and are perfectly happy with your alone, it is only then that one might open their eyes to the possibility of another relationship. You will naturally be attracted to someone else who is alone. You will find an equal to you, not someone who adds or subtracts something from you. You will share so many things in common, because you overcame loneliness and found your bliss being alone.

So another something I learned from being co-Dependent for most of my entire life. Like attracts like. Be alone so you will never be lonely.

Love you and carry on.

 

 





Day 1842 Do you even believe in yourself.

1 04 2018

Happy Easter. I got to spend mine with extended family, my beautiful children, my sister, nephew, and in 55 days my 100-year-old Grandma. She is still doing great and funny. Must run in the family!

Grandma

Do you believe in yourself? It’s a simple question that we answer quickly. Yes I do. I’m not talking in every aspect because we simply aren’t good at everything. I mean at the core of who you are do you believe that you and only can get XYZ done. No support system, no encouragement, it’s just you and the past failures you have dealt with. Can you take those and no matter believe that you and God have it?

Nobody can answer that except you. Dont ask anyone elses opinion. They don’t know its up to you. You only. I want you to ponder that. I have no answer to your belief in yourself, but i want you to answer that. Until you do you are stuck! I mean stuck deep nothing pulls you out except Jesus and you finally truly pouring out yourself so you can fill yourself up. Think about it, find please








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