Day 1871 is the past the past

30 04 2018

Another week and another day getting Balder. Man the patch on my head if I let me hair grow just a little bit looks like i have mange.  Also the fact next week my daughter will be 16 I’m officially getting more seasoned. I don’t use the word old.

The past is the past or is it? I believe it is. What I did in my past will never change. I’m sorry, and wish more than anything I could change the pain i caused people, the people I stepped on to get what I wanted, the conditions I put on people that I wouldn’t follow, the relationships I wrecked because of fear, or the men I hurt because honestly it made me feel better.  I paid my penance and some days I relieve it. I will never forget what happened or what I did but I’m taking my past to help change people’s lives. I never thought one day I’m going to take this crappy relationship or whatever and help change people lives. I wish you could have been with me when my life started the tumble that I  saw coming (at that point it was too late). Would I blow my brains out, try to drown slowly, have a car crash, or just ove dose. I get it and I was alone during my walk by my choice. People who struggle with anger, self-worth, addictions, sex, manipulation. Why do i do this because people harbor their past and live in it. Living in the past will kill you one way or another. I want to help the people who want to learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. We’re a rare bird but we attract other rare birds which is one cool flock.

If you’re a person that constantly reminds people of their past, or you can’t forgive them of their past especially when trying to get better! You’re the one with the problem. Get out of the relationship. You need help. Don’t crush someone else because you can’t deal with yourself.

The past is the past and if you hold that against someone you need to be someone else’s past. People can never change if you continue to slap them with things that can’t be changed. Yes you can mend fences but what caused the fence to fall wont be forgotten. Its our job to look past the past and try to help that person move forward, if you cant, please step away, remember grace is a 2 way street

God died on the cross to forgive our sins from tomorrow, today, and yesterday. So stop playing God people, it is finished, let it go. He died for everyone, not the ones you can’t forgive. Dont try drinking a cup of poison and hope the other person gets sick.

Love you all.

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Day 753 Im not afraid to die

18 02 2015

I made the best pot roast ever last night in the Crock Pot. If they gave out the reward for single fathers who can crock pot cook Im hands down the best. I would be famous and be on the cooking channel and have my own show called single, bald and full of crock!! Pretty catchy I know. Honestly though I’m a great cook. The end.

I love how people  open up to me. I had a conversation yesterday it was very generic at first then he asked me about how I’m so happy after divorce. I said well I’m not always happy but I’m very content in the direction of my life and the biggest thing is I’m not co-Dependent anymore. I explained co- dependency and then out of no where he said do you want to die? I said good Lord no I don’t I want to die! He said so your afraid to die? I said do you understand the difference between the two? He looked at me puzzled so I explained.

I only wanted to die once in my life  it was a rock bottom and almost in the most selfish way decided to take my life. Where I am now its the last thing I would ever want to  happen. My kids need me and want me, I have a true relationship with God and Im changing lives. I have a purpose and I know I’m loved. I never want my mom to have to bury me, I want to see where and how my sister and nephew lives go. I have some of the best friends in  my life that I want to enjoy it with. So no I do want to die it never crosses my mind but Im also Im not afraid to die.

I have seen and held death twice in my arms. Once a car wreck victim, the other a friend got shot and died on the spot. I should have died twice I was stupid and put myself in two horrible situations and in every case I was afraid to die. I prayed to God please don’t take me I have more to do. You see I thought I was in control and I was telling God what he needed to do. Im sure he just slapped his forehead and shook his head and said you really don’t get it. Im in control and I decided remember Im God not you. If you fast forward to right now!

Im not afraid to die I don’t want to die but if it happens I know this: I have made amends to all of those I have wronged, I m not about me Im about helping others and changing their life if they want it. I have given my children the foundation they need and they know I love them more than anything and I would give my life for them in a snap of a finger, My mother can be proud of the man she raised, my sister and nephew know I have and will love them and given my heart and soul to my family. Those that interact with me know that he is a loving and giving soul and I believe most not all would have encouraging words about me. Finally My God knows me and my heart. Sure I screw up and do things wrong but I wont have to get to the gates and hear what in the name of me were you doing!!  The guy looked at me and said I definitely understand now and I have a lot of work to do because I’m scared sh%tless to die. He asked me to help him get there. So I will do my best.

I m not afraid of death anymore but I don’t want to die either. I hope I’m 80 and still blogging or whatever its called then but if not I’m okay with that too. Walk on my Good and faithful son.





Day 709 Sorry your sitting in my chair get up

5 01 2015

Today is the first work day of the year and most aren’t excited to be at work. You said things will be different this year but only you have the broken pieces to mend yourself. Start by doing just one thing you want, not what someone else wants. Your worth it and remember the most beautiful things are the ones that have been broken and mended back together.  I love this for some reason. Sitting in traffic I do my best thinking and that’s what I thought today. This picture says so muchGold bowl

 

I never try to sit in the same place in church. I do sometimes but I try to change-up where I sit so I don’t get to comfortable You also could meet someone you never thought you would. Church at the beginning of the year is like the gym. Peoples resolutions are to get closer to God they fill up the church and then February its back to normal. I’ve been a member of my church for 10 years. So I’ve seen a lot of people come and go. I’ve seen these people yesterday and never more than A passing thought. They walked to the right of the church and I didn’t see them again. I was looking at my phone and I got a tap on the shoulder and this guy said sorry you’re in my chair get up.  I was taken back just a bit, You know there are no assigned seats in church. If you know me I’m a giant smart-ass, and can get down right mean in a hurry. My first thing I said was excuse me ,then some grace finally entered my lips. I said I’m really sorry I wasn’t thinking. I got up and moved two rows behind in my normal seats.

Here was my thought process if this guy and spouse had the never to ask someone to move seats in church: they were scared in the worst way to be there. They knew they needed to be there but were so uncomfortable. People hate going to church if its memories from childhood or just being burnt by church as an adult. What if it was my lesson to learn to shut-up which I’m not great at. There was something for me to learn and I hope I did. What good would it have done to call the guy out. His idea of church people would have been carried on,  I had no idea why he walked in that build that morning, and it was an example to him that someone should him grace when you knew he wouldn’t. I will say it was weird and my first time in my church life it happened. When I got in my car I thought man that poor guy was such in a bad place that my seats were the only ones he could sit in.

The only thing I can take from yesterday was: If you go to church you know how you feel and the guilt that a church building can bring you, always speak because you never know the hell someone walked in with, ever judge anyone who walks in church they need it as much as you. Finally if you’re sitting in someones seats in church get up for that day they need them more than you.

 





Day 627 Why do you have to be such a witch with a B.

15 10 2014

Ever stopped what has died inside of us because of other people, our thoughts, our fears, our just lack of knowledge or understanding. This really made me think yesterday.

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I usually spend 3 days a week at Starbucks free wifi and coffee. I always try to say hi to anyone whose up looking around. Usually its hi how are you. Most people wave or give a knowing nod and you might get someone who wants to speak but not usually. yesterday I said hi to what men would like to call at 10 on a rating scale for women. (Yes I know its being a pig that’s how men are though) She was gorgeous but she had that look that you just walk away from. I did my thing and said hi how are you. She then says I don’t think so. I stopped and turned around and said excuse me. She says I don’t date guys like you. Then my thought bubble over my head was like: You’re a real witch with a B, jump inside her and tear her down, . My insecurities were raised, how dare you. So I turned and asked her what did you mean. She said I don’t date guys that look like you. I then said: do you really think you’re so pretty that you can’t be nice. It’s really sad that your heart is that destroyed that all you have is your looks. Beauty is inside first outside second. If you were the last women that walked this earth I couldn’t date you. I could never make you happy and your on a surface level. I one of the best guys you will ever meet. I’m sorry whoever treated you the way that you think your only something to look at. Im sure there’s more to you.  She just looked at me and blinked. Im sure a guy had never talked to her like that. She said I think you misunderstood me. No I heard you correctly I think you misunderstood yourself.  I said just fake a hello your never to beautiful to be nice.

I probably should have shown more grace but to know that your that miserable is truly sad. No matter who you are a simple hello does good for both people. sure I know I’m not everyone first choice. I’m not going to be on the front of GQ maybe chubby GQ but life is so much more than looks. All looks fade or can be taken away. You better like that person at their core because when you get tired of how they look the inside of that person is what matters. See I’m not looking for everyone women to like me just one. One that loves me all of me. I chased the BS of life and it left me in a pile of my crap with why me. No matter how great , beautiful, handsome, you think you are if your inside sucks so do your looks. To that girl yesterday you’re  beautiful inside you just don’t know it. Find someone who sees all the good about you not what they can just see or touch on the outside.





Day 283 Even when its not your fault

21 10 2013

We got to celebrate my mom’s 71st birthday this weekend. She is an amazing women tough, caring, loving, and a fighter. She doesn’t look her age at all and still puts up with my crap! I never could have asked for a better mom!

When I look back at my last two years I find myself still asking for forgiveness for past mistakes and messes I left behind. I always ask God for Mercy rather than Grace and today at church it was put into perspective. In its simplest form God already died for our sins so whatever prison, punishment, or hell that  we put ourselves through that even it was 10 minutes ago, year ago or 10 years ago he died on the cross and our sins are already been forgiven so its time to let go! What else needs to be said!

I remember growing up with my sister how contentious life could be at times. At times there was such animosity  among us.. Yet at other times we coexisted peacefully, enjoying each other, doing things together happily. At such times it was a joy to be a part of the family and our home. When God looks down on us as a  husband and wife, he sees two of his children living together. If they fight, he is not so much concerned with pointing out who is to blame as he is with healing the relationship and restoring peace to the home. Revealing who is at fault is not the first thing on God’s agenda and it shouldn’t be on ours, but usually is. He knows who did wrong-in most cases. it’s both partners and he’s willing to take the blame himself if allowed. because of the sacrifice for our sins, God can render the issue of which spouse bears the guilt null and void, from his perspective. And since his perspective is the only one that really matters, all that remains is for the couple to forgive one another and reconcile!

When you and your spouse argue, don’t get hung up of determining who’s at fault. Even if you know in your heart you were not to blame, don’t focus on what went wrong; do whatever you can to make things right.

 





Day 283 Even when its not your fault

20 10 2013

We got to celebrate my mom’s 71st birthday this weekend. She is an amazing women tough, caring, loving, and a fighter. She doesn’t look her age at all and still puts up with my crap! I never could have asked for a better mom!

When I look back at my last two years I find myself still asking for forgiveness for past mistakes and messes I left behind. I always ask God for Mercy rather than Grace and today at church it was put into perspective. In its simplest form God already died for our sins so whatever prison, punishment, or hell that  we put ourselves through that even it was 10 minutes ago, year ago or 10 years ago he died on the cross and our sins are already been forgiven so its time to let go! What else needs to be said!

I remember growing up with my sister how contentious life could be at times. At times there was such animosity  among us.. Yet at other times we coexisted peacefully, enjoying each other, doing things together happily. At such times it was a joy to be a part of the family and our home. When God looks down on us as a  husband and wife, he sees two of his children living together. If they fight, he is not so much concerned with pointing out who is to blame as he is with healing the relationship and restoring peace to the home. Revealing who is at fault is not the first thing on God’s agenda and it shouldn’t be on ours, but usually is. He knows who did wrong-in most cases. it’s both partners and he’s willing to take the blame himself if allowed. because of the sacrifice for our sins, God can render the issue of which spouse bears the guilt null and void, from his perspective. And since his perspective is the only one that really matters, all that remains is for the couple to forgive one another and reconcile!

When you and your spouse argue, don’t get hung up of determining who’s at fault. Even if you know in your heart you were not to blame, don’t focus on what went wrong; do whatever you can to make things right.





Day 266 Truth without Grace

30 09 2013

I love having my kids with me! We are a great little family! We all have our roles and we are all comedians in some sort of way. You can tell when a joke is coming and sometimes I wish I could prepare on what to say after it it’s issued? My kids were troopers this weekend! I had my first Rugby game of the year and about 5 minutes before the game a monsoon started. I bought them poncho’s to wear and they stayed in the car for about an hour and they came out and watched. They stayed amazingly clean. I got to play 65 minutes which is the longest I have played in three years. I’m so sore but it felt great and the Crossfit has helped me be in great shape. I just wish my body knew what to do with itself today.

In church today we tackled a tough subject which was abortion. Not many churches will be it needs to be done. Pastor Toby was talking about how the church and Christians will speak the truth on abortion but never shows grace. There is never condemnation in Christ. Sure I have heard that but never really felt that or lived it. So I drifted in church about my own life. Yes I know all about abortion and not finding grace but Im talking about my life in General.

Grace is: grace has been defined as “the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to earn it”,[1] “the condescension or benevolence shown by God toward the human race.

Okay I get the definition so here in the problem. I never saw grace used or knew what it was besides the Aunt in Christmas Vacation being named grace. The truth was always hit over my head by the Baptist, my parents, coaches and friends. Why would that be because that’s all anyone knew I guess. So guess what as a young adult and growing older adult all I ever knew was to speak the truth to you or at you and no matter how bad I hurt you I thought I was doing the same thing. When I got it done back to me I wondered why I could never be forgiven or just looked at Im a sinner. I didn’t even see the hell I was unleashing on others.  I was a sinner so were you but why were my sins different from yours or when it came to me why were my sins bigger. All I wanted ever was someone to say its okay I have been down a path not your path and Im not casting down on you I just want you to know that its okay and I love you! We have all done crap and bad crap to others and ourselves but we feel better when we think that well I have never done anything that bad.  A sin is a sin! There are no levels! I have probably committed about every sin out there not all but most and why did everyone want to be the first one to throw the stone or why did I want to stone myself.

I mean this I try to practice grace with the little knowledge I have about it. It’s so hard for me because I really don’t know if I’m doing is it right. I have to learn that only I can practice it and pray for it in return. No matter how truthful something is we can still offer grace in the truth. In the bible with the women at the well. he didn’t tell her that it was okay what she was doing but she said that now that they don’t condemn you neither do I. Wow you mean all of the other sinners had to drop their stone because they were sinners too. Jesus was honest but offered her grace. As I try to everyone as an equal and that we are all in the same boat there are those people who are so miserable that when they get the chance they will pounce and try to draw blood only though because they were never offered, seen or know what grace is. So the next time you put on your holier than now jeans, remember one day they will shrink and you will need that grace too.

 








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