Day 56 Hurt or Injured

17 10 2012

I owe a big apology to my blog  readers. I should have not said a word last night and just waited until today and wrote. I guess I wanted someone to feel sorry for me because I was feeling sorry for myself. Lesson learned. Today has been a bit better but not a lot but on with the show.

I was an athlete and you have to either play injured or your to hurt. There is a difference and the difference is this. If your injured maybe you have a bad bruise or you got a stinger, a bruised ego, dislocated finger or sprained ankle. You can play with all of those. Pain is what you make it. You can play through and injury but if your hurt you can’t or most can’t. You broke an ankle, concussion, tore acl etc. I was one that if you couldn’t pull me off the field. I had an extremely high pain tolerance, tore ACL, dislocated elbow, 35 stitches, etc.. It wasn’t smart to do this as I sit her knowing it as I sit here and type. I m going somewhere so wait just a second. In life do you play hurt or injured?

We all play injured from a wound of words, a friend that betrays us, a spouse who calls us names, a parent that says something out their pain. We live injured daily. We can actually get over these in a day or 2. They hurt and sometimes in our day we feel we can’t go on but then we dust off and pick back up. It sticks with us for a week or two but eventually we are better with prayer, meditation or whatever it is. son, brother, friend, spouse

No matter how bad we want we can’t live the life we are destined to if we are hurt. Unable to function in a capacity that allows us to be the person God created for us to be. I witnessed this first hand yesterday. I had the worst day I have had in months. I thought I had handled some of my hurts. I realized that I have a ton more work to do. I actually felt crippled yesterday. I felt I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other. My inadequacies came rushing back, along with my self-esteem, and my pain dealing with a death, my lack of confidence and my divorce. I can try to keep tricking myself or I can call out for help. I pulled away yesterday like I had in the past and pushed people away. I didn’t want to burden them. I m hurt but recognizing my pain rather than shoving it under a rug. Sometimes the surgery we have been avoiding for the longest time is their waiting so we can truly heal. Listen to the greatest Dr. ever created the man upstairs he’s never wrong with his diagnosis.

To my friend Jen L. thank you for taking the time out of your day to just listen.

Day 30 Taking off the mask

20 09 2012

Well I pissed a  few people off today and I m sorry. For totally different reasons but I hope you know why I did. Today was a very stressful in so many ways. I did have an awesome counseling appt. I will no longer call Brian my counselor but my friend. He and I have a great connection and today I helped him as well. I have made some weird prayers in the past but the one I made that I had to share with today was really eye opening. I can’t talk about it here but maybe in time.   All I can say that change hurts and we all know its necessary but man does it cut us down quick. I know matter how far I have come my struggle with being inadequate is still there.

No poop stories today. Sorry for the people that enjoyed the story but not today.

Monday at my Relationship/30 class we talked taking of the mask. I disagreed with a lot of the class for many reasons and I will share those. First of all we all wear mask. We are taught that. When I say mask I mean the truth that we either speak of or that we don’t. Either with a close friend  or someone new. I started this blog on July 1st with some lame ass post about me. I wanted to write more but didn’t. Day 4 when I started my true healing I laid it our there and damn I almost crapped myself when I hit send. I wanted to go erase it but I didn’t. About an hour later 8 people responded and it was positive. most were thank you for being so honest I had no idea that you ever struggled that way. Well that set me on my course of telling my life story the good, the bad and defiantly the ugly. I took my mask off July 4th in my blog and it has never come back on. Because of that I am healing so much better but I can help others. The truth does set you free. Yes people judge and yes they have called me names, but that is there fear talking. The questions asked Monday were how would you tell your, pastor, your new girlfriend or boyfriend or your mother about your past. Well I don’t have a new girlfriend but I have told my pastor and yes I did tell my mother. It was a gut wrenching 2 hour talk and my mother said son I could never be more proud of you than I am right now. I was embarrassed but I have a new relationship with my mom because of it. I disagreed the most with how you tell your new boyfriend or girlfriend. He said tell the in pieces. I disagree with that because after a bit you get connected then you don’t want to “Scare them off” so you don’t tell them your dark secrets. If your going to date me you have to read all of my blog. If you don’t run then I know I have a chance with you. If you run then sorry but we can’t be together. I m not proud of my crap from my past but because of that I m here able to write this. Any women would say who are you I want to get to know you. You will have more intimate details about me than any man you have ever been with. I could hide but what good does that do. If I tell you the truth and you can’t handle it then its not about me its about you. So take off the damn mask. If someone chooses not to like you then you just got a  free gift. A judgmental, scared human out of your life that really doesn’t want whats best for you but wants how they fit into their box.

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