Day 1986 Don’t read this blog because Im just whining today

20 11 2018

This is going to be  a tad bit long, and real, but if you are one of these people STOP READING NOW: You got life figured out, you always have the right answer, if every one of yours prayers are answered, the person in the mirror always answers all of your questions, you never struggle with any addiction, depression, loneliness, anxiety, money issues. If you trust God everyday and never doubt him, or when you give it to God its gotten,

Im writing this today so you understand what real is, not what we choose to put on social media, or life about when someone asks how’s everything going. I know we can always put a positive spin on everything and usually I do but I’m talking to those who struggle and feel alone.

 

4 weeks out of the year depression gets me. It usually lasts a week out of a time , which means 11 months out of the year I do pretty, anxiety creeps up on me, money issues grab me all of that is now. Everyone has money issues if you have money or you have money. It’s all spins just differently. Most of the people reading this are Christians, you can send me scripture, or tell me to give it to God, say this to shall pass. And guess what I know what! I get it. I’ve been a Christian since I was 7. I’m talking about when you said and done all the right things and the pain is there, Why did my engagement ended 2 years ago, why did it not workout with a woman I waited for, why do people die that shouldn’t and people who should don’t (yes I’m judging), Why do people hurt other people (yes I know the answer Im typing out loud), Why do I lay in my bed at night knowing Im a great man hear so much silence,, and now I can count the ceiling fans even as they turn. When I speak to the man in the mirror, he lies, but I believe the lies. Even though  it’s not my fault when I try to help someone but they blow their head off anyway well its not my fault. I know its not but the shit hurts.

Why do complicate life so much that when we get to heaven God says really you thought that day I gave you a flat tire because I wanted to punish you. Don’t you think I have more to do than that. Someone asks I cheated on my wife what I do, First of all stop, go tell her and deal with the consequences. (I can’t do that) well you’re screwed then.  I get depressed it runs deep in my family, I’m there now and I get told just get up. Of shit wait a minute let me run over to that get off my ass switch that I missed and flip it on. How about when you ask me how Im doing I lie and tell you how Im doing I say good and so I don’t hear some dumb response because now you will feel uncomfortable if I told you the truth.

You see I’m a good man, Christian, daddy, friend. I just hurt like you do. Doesn’t make me weak, doesn’t make me less than a man than I was. Im real, Im honest, I try to help, motivate, lift you up on a daily basis because believe me the messages I get from people they are wanting real, and not to feel like they are alone. So as you have that pill to get through that Christmas part, or that drink to take the edge off, or gossip about someone to make you feel better, or you give thoughts and prayers but you forget to actually pray just stop, think I have been there in my life and I might just want to be careful before I put my magic wands of bullshit out there.

 

So there you go. Im struggling now. That’s real, raw and honest. I would tell you that I don’t care what you think but that’s what people tell others  that care what they think. I love you people and Im sure I will get a bunch of wth is wrong with you, or he’s losing it. Nope I wrote this because I know at 1 person needs this. Were all going to be okay I know , I know. That doesn’t stop the pain today. So judge if you want, people judge can’t stop it just know the pain of the world is deep and we can all cover the bullshit with leaves but you’re going to step in it sooner or later.

 

Just try to love, be real, and quit trying to cover up life with BS. This to shall pass lol.

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Day 1792 Why Divorced/single in 2018 is more devastating

20 05 2018

Good happy Sunday may evening, I’m about to have a Jr and 4th grader, The school years fly by when you get older. I thought Christmas break was just over and look here we are about to end school and start smelling like BO because of the Texas heat.  Here’s to grilling, BO, sunburns, farmers tan, peeing in the pool and chlorine/swimming pool bath.

Excuse my use of the word devastating put an end to the existence of (something) by damaging or attacking it. This is not directed at anyone and I know there is always another side to my argument. To save your breath, your right I’ll just be the other side.

The world we live in now is ruled by social media, the fake life of what we want you to see. You leave someones, page, site, profile and like OMG they are so great why can’t I measure up.

People quit at everything now. there is no perseverance ( yes  i know there is some) in relationships, people think the next one will be right. For better or worse or let me get to know this person that doesn’t happen. My friend said her boyfriend or girlfriend did this why don’t you?Well because were different and we all bring good and bad to the table.

Loyalty I wonder without looking could someone tell you the definition. could someone tell you that an emotional affair is the same as a physical.  And honesty. Just be honest tell me everything. I know your not single in today’s world because you did nothing wrong. If its only 10% tell me your 10%. A date ender for me is what did you do wrong in your relationships. if the other person says well he! I stop it right there! Why because I’m not going to date him and I don’t care what he did at this moment. Tell me about you. Throw every damn card on the table and let me choose if I want to move  forward.

There is nothing more refreshing than someone being real and telling, I screwed up this way, I know it now and I want to change it and I’m working so hard on it. Im insecure but if you will be patient with me we can get through. Im like heck yes someone who gets.

I hear people say sex has to be great and they have to be physically attractive. Absolutely but if you can’t communicate and your checking over their shoulder every time they are doing something you will fail. If you don’t trust in the beginning, do you really think your going to trust down the road? What about the night sex sucks. wouldn’t it be great to say let me explain where my head was today. It wasn’t you and you list out why it sucked. She understands, she cares more, she gets you. She becomes more emotionally attached then you feel like she respects and wow you have a fully functional relationship. Who knew!!!!

Finally nobody really wants to be married anymore! It might be the hardest thing to do in this twisted, social media world, where you’re told to run rather than stay and fight (not actually fight). I would much rather have someone that loves me more often, wants to choke me some days but will just poke me with a toothpick (in love) than date!!!!

Why are you in a relationship if you’re not going to be devoted/ married to the person forever. Really whats the point. That is a first date question. Dont lie, if that’s not your intention that’s okay but for the love of God tell them. Just be honest! I want to be married again, if someone tells me that they don’t that’s okay, doesn’t make you a bad person just means you dont fit me.

PS. Not everyone is going to like you! Not every person you date is going to feel it. Dont get your under roos in a wad, learn one thing from the date and move on. We are looking for one great person not an army!

Okay that’s enough for today! Love you





Day 1665 Divorce and things you don’t know

27 09 2017
I deal with divorce trying to help people and people asking me what do I do. It takes both sides to make it work for sure. It’s so easy now with roadside signs offering $250 divorce, divorce not being taboo, divorce being big business for lawyers and social media allowing you to hide and find a past relationship. Most people have lost their fight. Everything says run so most do.
I will say this first so i can cut you off before you tell me divorce is necessary.
I know for so many it is and was but to those still married, and those considering divorce let me tell you things you don’t know yet.
Kids are resilient and they be okay.  Sure as long as we are alive we will be okay but Please listen to this divorce will affect your kids in a negative way, no matter what you think. 2 different homes. My childhood wasn’t great but I always knew where my home was. Kids want both parents happy so they accept things that they shouldn’t. You have made an example that quitting is okay, that wedding vows are really only good when its working the way we want. I could go on but just know there is a consequence.
Divorce is one lonely  sob. You might hop into another relationship immediately  ( my opinion its the dumbest thing you can do.  You’re  bringing all ur garbage to someone who doesn’t deserve it, ur unhealed but ur trying to find happiness in someone else and you’re not happy)
Not saying my way is best but healing, and dealing with past hurts is lonely.  It’s a lonely you have never felt. If you split your kids up you don’t know lonely until  YOU eat by yourself and do things by yourself because of ur friends are in relationship and cant just drop everything to hang with you.
Everyone divorced has baggage. Yes even you. You base relationships on what you know, so your past lets u think well everyone is the same. Which in truth everyone has some if not the same characteristics its just ur not healed so everyone seems the same
You feel out paperwork and says in case if emergency or who do u put in ur will, who gets my money. If something happens to me what am I going to do.
I wish people would understand that divorce is a death without a funeral. It represents the end of something that started out with so much promise and hope and it’s painful when that hope dies. Sometimes I think that divorce has become so routine that it’s not taken seriously enough and that devalues marriage.
If you’re not a happy person now you wont be in a new relationship. Divorce teaches you that your own happiness is, in fact, important, and that you can’t be accountable for someone else’s. You learn that you can’t change yourself in order to make someone else happy.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I just would love to see families stay together. Old school in this case wasn’t so bad if you think about it.




Day 1629 Let’s run away

20 08 2017
School has started and I have a 10th grader and a 3rd grader. Either I’m getting old or time is passing to fast.  I know that seeing them grow up is a great feeling. Parenting is tough though. My Lord where is the manual?
We all want to run away.  Some people actually run they pack up, sell their home, and go somewhere that it will be”different”. Some people put on headphones and actually run hoping at the end of the mileage “its gone”. Some just get in the car and drive with no destination in site. Hoping when they return “its gone”. We spend hours, tears, new jobs, money, relationships, trying  to see if we can make sure “its gone”.
“Its gone” is us. Pastor TD  Jakes  says run from the garbage and people etc.. Run to what you want, problem is we usually run from the things we don’t want, not to what we do want.
I get people sending me things all the time and I was sent this:

There is no such thing as taking the right road, every time, but the road you take can turn into one you’re meant to be on. You choose whether to ‘stop’ along the way or keep going. Imperfection is part of everyone and is a part of decision making in life. Don’t let that mountain you’re traveling on crumble on top of you so that you can’t get back up. When that first rock falls, start to run and keep running until you are out of harm’s way. Stay away from the rubble.
What I take from this is that we have to be okay being imperfect! We cant run from that. We all want to be perfect and when we don’t lets run away. Now don’t get me wrong running away to break routine and getting a fresh thought is great but we have to run back.
My dad used to tell me when I was in high school that no matter where you go,  even the other end of the earth, everything will be the same because you are there. You can’t run away from you. Once the new of a person or area wheres off the person in the mirror is still you.
So run away but turn right back around because before you go trying to find this magic happiness and fulfillment stand in place and fix what is here. Then run but do it for fun quit trying to escape you because you are really great. I promise.




Day 1511 Time heals all wounds- UMM No

13 04 2017

Happy Good Friday eve. Please take time and remember what Easter is all about. Kids mostly think it’s about a bunny, gifts and eggs. Just tell the story, your kids will understand one day. Enjoy your family. There are no promises for tomorrow.

I hear all the time Time heals all wounds. I want to define that persons definition of healed. Just like forgiveness you forgive but you never forget. In death, loss of a game, divorce, selling a home, memories, smells. You name it Time does not heal all wounds! When people give that advice they are very intended BUT Just sit back and in time you’ll no longer have the sadness, anguish, yearning, guilt, anger, and fear you’re feeling now. They’ll fade away, and you’ll be fine.  I mean how long is that time span where it will change, a month, 10 years, 50 years?

Yesterday at target an older lady walked by and  her perfume made me turn around it was White Diamonds the same perfume m mom work. Overwhelming sadness hit. You could also say it was a reminder of her that was positive. I didn’t ask for the feeling it just hit me. Anytime I smell a Marlboro cigarette it reminds me of my dad on Saturday mornings. That meant it was time to get up and go play sports. It may be a song, it may be an old road, but time doesn’t heal.

What I will tell you is,  It’s what you do with that time. You can pretend to shove all of the  junk in the back part of your brain. It’s still there, you didn’t hide it and something will trigger it and then what. You have to get help. You can bury yourself in work, family, drugs, alcohol but you can’t run fast enough from your self. It’s an endless game of tag that you always will lose. Time transforms how you have to deal with the wounds.  Time makes it easier to wait to cry until you get in the car. Time gives you some “good days” where you can better turn toward positive things or enjoy a good time or distract yourself with work, family, church etc..

The all mighty Counselor God will transform time, he will put us in places to heal but it’s not time. It’s what we do with that time. We are never alone  or isolated unless  we make that choice. Counseling, talking, crying, being real, letting go, admitting where we fall, not trying to understanding everything, loving others, support groups ….. Those things help time. Don’t be 80 years old trying to let go of a lifetime of pain while trying to gasp for a last breath. We never forget ,we just are able to deal with (it) if not time will eat us alive. Even the strongest crumble in TIME.





Day 117 My blank canvas

28 04 2013

A great weekend and busy with the Denton arts and Jazz fest which if you have never been make it a trip its great. I got to play security guard Saturday night and getting to see all the people drunk, sober, and not the ones not wearing a lot of clothing was greatly appreciated.

The one question I have after an event like that is why are people insistent on driving when they can’t walk. Budweiser was out trying to get people to get a driving buddy. I saw two people pulled over and they definitely didn’t pass the test. 17K later I bet they hope they had a driving buddy.

Last week in counseling I was trying to tell the counselor what it was like to start over. Here is what I drew him.

The drawing on the left was my life. The circle is me and the squiggly lines are my past. You can say parents, job, marriage, food etc.. The next pic you see is a blank sheet of paper which is my new life. Yep still blank. I have heard so many people say if I could just start over. My question to them now is: then what? See starting over is hard very hard After my 37 years of life everything I knew was false,, a lie, or just a stupid facade or fake. You think:Gosh if I could just start over everything would be so different. Okay yes IF you make the changes in your life to be different I would agree. The problem is that we are more, hurt,jaded, fearful and cautious then when we were in out early 20’s. We are to calculated or we know if I take that step and it doesn’t work then you know the outcome. So here comes the counseling.

I have learned to be a glass half full person (most days)I have a blank sheet for my life and all of the negative I mentioned above can become positives. Who I put in my life, what I do for work, what I want in a spouse, how I take care of my health  and what I choose to be grateful for. I still haven’t drawn the new circle on the page for the new me. (Not sure what I’m waiting on) but I do get to start over and not many get that chance. I get to take this lump of clay and mold me into whatever I want, knowing what I do know and that’s fantastic. Fear is what has held me back and not wanting to be wrong. My prayer is different now its not take away my fear it’s fill me with your ideas God and lets see where it goes. I know I have to be thankful not just the good but the bad. It’s so hard to tell God thanks a lot today that I lost money on a job, I was an ass to my kids but when you can find the good in the bad then the shift starts and you start rewriting your life.

 








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