Day 1488 This is why you change -866 Days and counting

20 03 2017

Hello People. 92 degrees in Texas I know its the first day of spring but Summer decided to wave hi first. I’m so thankful to have this outlet to be able to share me. I know some thinks it’s a weird way to do it but that’s okay because I know I’m weird. I’m embrace it!

I’m a single man again. Never thought I would be here again but life threw   me a huge upper cut when  my mom died. I became numb and couldn’t even fake it some days. The blended family was also a huge problem that until you’re living there is no way to know how to handle it. So in the journey again with a different path. I really need to find a path and stay on it 🙂

I’m not a glass half full, or half empty I’m just thankful something is in my glass. So writing this please know The days I get I’m so thankful for but I’m here to help so this is real talk.

Since I moved out of my old house with my ex-wife almost 5 years ago. I have missed 866 days of my kids lives. Yes that means I’ve had them for 866 days and I promise I’ve done my best to make all of that time matter. You don’t have to mess up the time like I did. We all know when something isn’t right with ourselves and our relationship. You ignore it or just say that’s the way it is then your left listening to your kids grow up on phone.

866 days of their life I missed. thank God I fought for joint custody but its hard to have your kids come home and they truly changes. The first 2 days my son is here he calls me mom, they don’t feel close, they don’t communicate as much and then its Sunday and just the time of us seems like its gone because we have to get ready for school. I learn about their day  by asking questions right before bedtime. When I want to do something with them that only comes around once a year I can’t. My flesh and blood is missing. I know I will find them but I can never get those days back. Hello, I love you, thank you sounds different on the phone.

Like I said earlier, realize a few things:. we are all screwed up, we all have a hurt, habit, or hang-up, we all have a past. Some worse than others, we had someone break us down, break our heart, we all medicate our pain some how. So you’re never alone. Never. You don’t know what I’ve done Tyler, but I know someone who has. The thing is we can’t live there anymore because living “their” allows someone else to raise your kids, and just have voice memories to carry you through.

Find your weakness, absorb, accept it, and get help, counseling, recovery group, just a voice to listen. Anyone that sits on an island by themselves will drown every time. I believe in Jesus Christ so I go there but find something. Nothing  is worse than losing everything because I said said,  I don’t know what to do. There are options everywhere. Its pride and ego that will steal your life and soul. It doesn’t have to be that way. reach out to me, do something because you are worth it and those beautiful children are too. You can drink, dope, and yell your life away but you can’t get back what you destroyed.





Day 86 Crockpot or Microwave

15 11 2012

My daughters last soccer game of the season and it was freezing. Yes I was cold so I know it was cold. Had a great day very busy and work is kicking butt right now. Well myself and two other close friends are starting a networking group up again starting January 4th. The last time we did this we averaged 50 people a meeting Our networking is nothing like most groups so be looking forward to it. You will definitely will want to be a part of this.

I bought my first crock pot this week. It’s a lazy way to cook but that’s okay because at least I have cooked food. My daughter picked it out so its kind of girly but I’m in touch with that side. I bring up crock pot and microwave to talk about our lives. She it might not make sense but it will.

I grew up in the country in a crock pot lifestyle. We would live a slow life that helped us to appreciate what we have. It make take all day to cook in the crock pot but the food taste better and is just as good as anything in a microwave. It may have taken us a while to live out an event in the country but what a great gift. Every night I could see the stars. I saw animals born, I saw coyotes and wasn’t scared. We had a garden I could go fishing all the time, we made a field of dreams, we skipped rocks, we explored. We rode our bikes in the grass. We laid in the grass and appreciated the small things like listening to animals barking and the coyotes barking back. I miss the crock pot life and I do for my children as well.

When I got engaged to my ex we moved to Dallas in The Village and that started our microwave life. Life in the City is I have 30 seconds to get somewhere and we need to do it now. If its was dinner, work, friends, a party, it all was quick. We continued that when we moved to Aubrey. We never sat down, we never saw the stars, we never smelled what outside can smell like, we got our kids going one place to the next. I m sorry to say but it took from 1999-2009 to see the stars. I never thought about it. I have talked to my daughter about the slower paced life was about and she wants it. I think to never see a red fire ant, an animal be born, or see an animal in the wild, not to know the big dipper is sad. Our life now is every thing in an instant. We are waiting for the ding of the microwave and guess what that’s how fast our lives are passing before us.

I want my life back in a crockpot. I have let too much pass by already





Day 52 Can’t miss read A letter to my 7 year old self Part 2

11 10 2012

Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes. Its the first time since I was 15 that I haven’t had someone in my life. Its an adjustment but my friends have been amazing. If you have never heard of the band Yellowcard they are great. Some very cool powerful songs. They have a Southern California sound which is very laid back. Here is a new song that I love called Yellowcard here I am alive.

I like to promote other Bloggers. This lady is from Australia and is an amazing writer. She is going 1000 days of being single. She has won awards for her blogs and deserves them please read her blog. One Thousand Single Days

I got great response from my last two blogs. I was asked yesterday why did you write to yourself. If you don’t reflect on where you have been you will repeat. I know that me opening up has caused other to accept things that they have shoved away for a long time. Its weird when I write like yesterday I sit with tears running down my face and wondering why I took so long to get these things off my chest. Whatever my past is is just that my past. It is not who defines me. It’s not how you start but how you finish.

I am writing this in my best chronological order  we are now in May 1997 Here we go!!!!

To little 7 year old Tyler: You can lose weight and will over the summer actually 85 lbs to be exact. Women will really start liking you. That doesn’t mean you treat this like crap.Go say hi to the beautiful brunette in your summer biology course named Rebecca she really likes you a. Your really a dumb ass for screwing that up. Tell Stephanie to leave you along don’t use her you broke her heart. When you see Jessica again treat her with respect Don’t ignore her. Don’t eat that two week old pizza it sucks and will make you sick. When you eat the can of dog for ask for 40 dollars not 20. When you pulled over to help the lady in Dallas not matter what she said to you you did the right thing. When you go to San Antonio with Roger and Marty just stop drinking enough to gain your senses. Yes Diane was one of the hottest women you have ever seen. Just FYI she wanted  another baby before she turned 32 she’s 21 and she was crazy. Stop thinking with your penis. When you brought her to the Fraternity rush party don’t show her off like a trophy she is a human. When you break your ankle in your first rugby game go to the hospital don’t take 13 advil and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels. If you do you wind up on Colorado street in Austin with the most embarrassing moment in your life. Yes those women used to be men.

Telling jokes does not comfort your pain. Others may laugh while your dying inside.  When you go to Austin for your last Fraternity formal. Take Tracy don’t back out like a dick. Also when Jack offers you a drink of Jack Daniels yes you can drink to bottles in 1.5 hours . You did get paddled, and someone had to feed you. You miss out seeing Rebecca until 4 am because they took your phone and keys. She hates you for lying to her when you told her that you stopped drinking. She’s the head pediatrician at Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville and thought you could marry her one day. Stupid ass. Stop drinking and stop fighting with Jim. We had fun bating the crap out of people but your hands are going to hurt really bad when your older. Stay off the bridge it is deeper than you think especially when your drunk.

When you see Amy make sure you never let the thought that your going to marry her leave your mind. Keep cheating at paper rocks scissors it got you a date with Amy. Yes from your first date Amy lives with you. She’s messy but you balance it out. Play your ass at Texas Rugby Union Championship I know you can you barley move and your frozen but I promise the feeling when the ball crosses the try line and Ryan falls on it. Your a  champion for the first time and as you sit in the frozen rain soaked field crying you did it. They can’t take that away from you.
Enjoy the bus trip to and from Kansas some of the funniest moments in your life happened on that bus trip. When you rip your knee to shit at Westerns keep playing I know it hurts but you earned more respect that day from dragging your self around the field knocking the shit out of the other team so much that when the game was over and we lost the other team comes and picks you up off the ground and tells you your one of the baddest MFer’s they have ever seen.

When you meet her parents your not all the things she said you were. Keep killing her with kindness and when that day happened tell her its okay to go to NY. When you felt a part of you gone it is and deal with it now. Don’t wait. She does love you just doesn’t know how to show it. She cooks the first meal that she ever cooked for you and it is great.  Keep working at Discount Sport Nutrition you learn a lot and that stupid guy wound up going to jail good call.

When you got your first credit card I would tell you not to but it allowed you to buy the engagement ring. When you ask her to marry you shit your weight to the right so you don’t almost fall over and go to the bathroom first you almost pee yourself. She really did like the way you asked her to marry you. Start giving yourself credit your not a worthless boy/man. You made a armies worth of mistakes but your not defined by those.
Life does get abit easier during this time. You get an amazing job to help put her through graduate school and yes it worth it. I know your lonely and you so want companionship get back to God your mind wonders to much and you almost go to far. Enjoy Indiana but do not let that girl bring you pillows to your room. Do not go the Balley’s in downtown San Fransisco its not for you I promise. Where more than a towel too to the steam room.

 

I will finish this tomorrow. Later peeps Love ya.





Day 51 A letter to my 7 year old self Part 1

10 10 2012

After yesterday’s blog about my abortion and tomorrow being my 37 birthday it’s time to write my 8-year-old self a letter.

To little 7-year-old  Tyler: Yes your haircut was cool and Being like Brian Bosworth then was okay. Bo Jackson was a great remodel but you can’t paint yourself black.

Yes you are chubby and can’t run fast yet, but it’s coming you will be a great athlete. Stop punching people for calling you names one day your going to be to chubby to fight back. Yes your sister is a pain in your butt but she’s amazing too so be proud that God gave you a sister she will need you later.

Don’t throw rocks at cars because you will break a window and when the guy catches you the rocks you threw at him will cause stitches and you will get your butt beat. Your friends worship the ground you walk on protect them at cost. Take up for the weak ones that will remember you forever.

When you kiss your first time don’t grab her butt she will hate that.  Your mom is amazing and from this year forward never forget how great she is. She loves you and your sister more than life itself. Tell her everyday you love her.  Don’t ask her to get you a pizza in the hood. Never forget a mother’s day or birthday. A cutout piece of cardboard she loves too. She will drive you nuts calling all the time but answer her she deserves that. If you ask her for money now it’s the last money she had and she gave it to you with a smile. When you walk across the stage in college don’t stop hugging her for a bit she is so proud of you. Help pick her up when dad dies she needs you more than ever. Just know that God only made one like her and God gave her to you. You’re the luckiest son alive and you have no idea.

Listen to your dad there will be very few times that he can spend time with you. You can never get it back. Ask questions about his life. There is a man there  you never knew. All you got to see was a broken skeleton of a man. At his funeral you learn about his card games, his music instruments. His band that he had in Germany that they said that was great as The Beatles but he was too afraid to bring them to the states. When  dad comes to your college graduation and your embarrassed because he couldn’t stay the whole time just be thankful he was there. He told you he wouldn’t miss it and he didn’t.  When he tells you that he’s proud of you listen because when he’s gone you won’t hear it anymore and you will crave it. Go home  Saturday  February 5th you won’t see him again and your life is not that important to miss it.
Your sister thinks you’re the best thing in the world. When she needs you never say no.. Encourage her in high school.Let her know she’s beautiful. Don’t be jealous of her talents.

Don’t go off the path with your 3 wheeler on April 18 1988. Your life changes forever. When Audra tells you your ugly and your cloths are to let her know that its okay your going to turn out okay. Don’t be afraid to do the right thing. You do about 80% of the time but when you don’t your really mess up badly. Accept a compliment. When you want to quit don’t you’ll see why. Tell Justin how much you appreciate his friendship. It’s okay not to drink. You make it until 21 u stood up against drugs and alcohol when nobody else would.Tell Sarah, your sorry you treated her like crap. Call Brooke when you wanted to. Don’t break up with Ingrid because she didn’t have sex with you. Make sure you answer the phone August 12 if you don’t you’ll take your life that day. She really did like you don’t push her away. Deanne’s parents did like you. Go to Wake Forest and play football or go to the University of Washington mom and dad will understand. Stay close with Roger and Scott. tell Leslie your sorry. Don’t hit that guy with a bat, don’t punch the kid at the stadium that was his jaw that separated.  Yes you can pull a urinal off the wall and beat someone with it. You have horrible anger issues. Don’t ever say you won’t go to counseling. Don’t tell Amber you will give her money for an abortion. Stand up and be a man. Don’t leave TCU. Stop overeating you get to fat. Joining the fraternity was one of the best things you do. Tell Jessica sorry and that you’re not scary just confused. Tell her on the plane its okay. Don’t buy the 24 pack it starts 38 days of being drunk. Go tell Justin Lazwell thank you for what he said. When you met Jim yes he turns out to be your friend no matter what he said when he first met you.

I will write more tomorrow.





Day 48 Please read this blog

7 10 2012

I have never re used a blog before but since I wrote this one late Friday night and readership is bad on Friday nights and Saturday. I thought I would re use because many friends said this is the best blog I have wrote. I never thought that when I was writing but I will take there word.

Also I have always wanted to write a book and and I think after Saturday this may just happen. Thank you Karen and lets make this happen.

Please if you can let me know something you may want me to write about or something that I haven’t covered. You can send it to my email at tylewood72@att.net

As I sit in Buffalo Wild wings watching the Texas Rangers season go in the toilet. I can appreciate now it’s not how you start in life but how you finish. The Rangers started off great and it’s ending in a thud. My life started as a thud and I know that I will finish has a champion.

Today was drop-off day for my kids. I dislike this day so much. Not for the loneliness but for the 7 days I miss watching them grow and their amazing stories they have. I love my children more than life itself. I think they are beginning to know it.  My daughter tells me everyday thank you for loving me as much as you do.

I needed some inspiration to write today. I had no idea what I was going to write about until I had breakfast with my friend Javier. I have a lot of people who follow the blog but never comment. This morning he gave a glowing review of my blog but also he said something that I ve tried to portray but have never been able to say the correct way. He said thank you for being vulnerable so others don’t have to.  The light bulb came on then.

I started this for my benefit and you have no idea how it helps me everyday. It helps others because I can be honest and sometimes verbally vomit. to know that it is helping others overcome their own inner demons or thoughts is amazing to me. Its my ministry now and if one person can feel blessed, helped, or hopeful then I know I m doing whats right. I sit down sometimes at this computer and I m not a writer but something comes over me and I feel that I m a different person for a bit.

Tonight will be the last blog about my past or my divorce unless it’s requested. That is such a negative part of my life and its time you get to see the happy content and hopeful person I m now. Out of all the past hell some great things are happening and you deserve to know those too.

I mentioned that July 1 st my healing truly started. I got to see my ex in a different light and I saw myself differently. I still had disagreements with my ex but I didn’t lose my temper. I started believing in me and I could do things that I questioned for so long. I starting reaching out to people and actually set up coffee dates etc.. I started being funny again and I actually got to the point that I could be around my ex and not feel hatred and bitterness. June 20th started the 60 day wait to get a divorce. I also started talking publicly about my hearing. I also was attacked by some mutual people but was able to dust that off with no problem. Nothing big happened in this time. Just preparing for the day of August 20th to get here. One of the toughest things to hear happened a week before we got divorced she told me that I had become the husband, man and father that she always wanted me to be but she didn’t love me anymore. That stung but when I heard those I knew this was no longer on me.

The Monday of August 20th was a day like no other. I was so ready to get it over but then again 14 years of my life closed off and I had no choice in the matter anymore. We met at the courthouse that morning both of us by ourselves with the attorney there. When went into the courtroom that morning the judge was a friend and a Rotarian in the club that I was in. We had 3 others in front of us. When we were called I thought my legs were cement and man I didn’t want the moment to come. The judged asked us both questions and the lawyer asked us some. I started to cry as memories all came back to me. The gavel hit the desk and its over. 14 years of marriage in the snap of a finger. We both went outside and sat down so we could get the final divorce papers didn’t say much. The lawyer came back with the papers and he left. I looked at her and she wouldn’t look at me. I decided to give her a hug and she gave me a hug and said that she was so sorry. I told her that I was sorry too. She walked away and I stood there and looked around it felt like 10 minutes but it was about 1. I remember telling God I will never be here again but thank you for the lesson learned. I walked to the car and called Jim and felt a peace that I knew it would be okay.
When I saw Jim we hugged and at that moment I knew I was a single man, single father, and a brand new man.

Love ya pass this along.





Day 42 Journey not the band

1 10 2012

Well if you have never been kicked in the privates consider yourself lucky. Both figuratively and for real. I have the past 2 days so what came out of it. I have a lot of fear. Also never text your heart never comes through that way. I know better but sometimes convenience doesn’t always work. I do want to thank the two people for trusting my opinion on your life and my advice. I someday know what I m saying makes sense but sometimes I just want to crawl under a rock and hope nobody sees me but that would be one huge rock.

I do want to recommend a  blog for you to read. The man’s name is Michael. He just speaks the truth.

Friendship

I wanted to write a little bit about judgement from one of the books I ve been reading:Excuse me While i eat my Worlds The bitterness in my life today is the words I spoke yesterday. I our response to what we feel is judgement, it is essential that we understand the role WE play in provoking others to judge us. Although it is never right for anyone to judge, it is still going to happen. It is futile for us to cry out, Unfair, Unfair. such pleading will not help us in the face of our accusers. It may in fact even provoke them to a stronger attack. . If we sow the seeds of judgment and criticism we can be sure we will reap the same. Judge not, that we not be judged (Matthew 7:1) complies with the law of sowing and reaping. People will ALWAYS do to us what we have done to them and more besides. However there is much we can do to avoid judgement.

I left off telling about December 7 and what that day was. It was the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life. From talking to my dad at the grave, speaking to the blonde and explaining myself to my ex. That day my ex stopped reading her books, stopped counseling. I also knew she stopped loving me. I found out that happened a lot earlier but I knew the process started that  day. We were living in the same house at this time with her upstairs and me downstairs. It was always awkward and can’t imagine what the kids thought. I missed being a husband and I wasn’t going to give up because that’s not in my DNA but also I thought there was still a chance. Christmas was the most hollow holiday ever. I love Christmas and giving so I did my standard give too much and I can say I knew that would be our last Christmas for some reason. I kept hoping the holidays would change something. I can honestly say that I thought Christmas eve service was a hope. We both cried and said the year would be better, but after new year it was the same. January and February were pretty uneventful except for me busting my chin wide open in rugby and getting stitches. She cared that day for me and I thought maybe this would be it. This would change everything and bring it together. If you believe love is blind well I was so blinded that I thought that she still loved me and was doing everything to prove it. I would get so angry there was no response and I would yell and cuss and ask why this was happening. Move forward to MArch 10th 2012. Playing rugby that day in the rain and cold I broke, my fibula, tibia and dislocated my ankle. It was pretty horrific injury I called from the ambulance and I did not hear what I thought you should say when your spouse hurts themselves in this manner. She had been at a conference and was heading home but my kids were freaking and so was my mom. AS I lay on the ground with raining pouring down on my face I asked God why now. I knew it was over that day and couldn’t believe that this was how it was all going to end. I had surgery the next morning and wondered if any part of her gave a crap but also before you go into surgery there is always a chance you won’t come out so I prayed a lot I prayed for a healed marriage and my continued healing. I went to sleep at peace but not sure about what.

Love ya pass this along





Day 37 I love cookies

26 09 2012

Yes that’s right I love cookies. I haven’t had a cookie since May. I went to Kroger and the nice bakery lady asked if I wanted one. I said no but then turned around and grabbed one like I was an escaped convict. Gosh that cookie was good. I think I left the chocolate pieces on my face so later I could have it for desert. I looked like a baby after its first piece of birthday cake I m sure.

For those of you that read this know I do not have good grammatical skills. I probably don’t but I never go back and reread. I just write it raw and push publish. So starting today I m going to try to check it. So I hope all of you anal retentive people are happy.

I want to thank a few people today Heather, Jim, Kathy, and someone else who asked not to be put in the blog. You know what you did so thank you.

I m getting ready to go to my men’s group. I’ve missed it a lot.  It’s a great to have a group of men that will kick my butt and keep it real (Dr. Phil voice).

Finally my favorite blog of the day I would like you to read is : Very unique

http://thebatamonblog.wordpress.com/2012/09/26/one-lovely-blog-award-3/

I want to keep working on my life rules. Its taking a while because their my rules so I m still making them up.

#8 What I make up of my life is only up to me. I have all the tools I need to make my life up to me now  to me to use them. We all create our own reality. Nobody creates it for us. We have full authorship and ownership of our life its one of absolute right., but we have all and probably still do deny ourselves to script our life. We always deny ourselves because we say we don’t have the resources. If we look at it truthfully it’s not the external resources we don’t have that determine our success or failure but our own belief and willingness to create what we want. I or you can either engage in the blame game, making frequent statement ” I couldn’t because”  or take control of your life and shape it as you would like. Our life is play doh we can make it whatever we want or we can smash it into the carpet and complain that the play doh isn’t good anymore.

Joseph Campbell once said ” The world is a match for you, and you are a match for the world.” By this he meant that when we fully recognize our challenges, gifts and individual reality, and accept the life path they represent, the world provides whatever we need to succeed. You, in turn, will discover how you can make your greatest contribution to the world. When you claim authorship of your life story, the world responds and the genius ignites.

Responsibility: We have to accept the consequences of every deed, word and thought throughout our lifetime Elisabeth Kubler- Ross

Love ya all pass this along





Day 35 Money is my idol not God

24 09 2012

Getting ready for my second relationship class at Gateway church. This is so much better because its upbeat and happy I guess just part of the growing process.  A lot of people have asked have I found someone to date in this process. Actually no I m not looking. I know I have talked to a few that maybe are possible but I have a goal to get to first. At least the next time I will be prepared and ready for what the future holds.

I can say that I m so sore today that I didn’t quite know this morning how I was going to wipe. My shoulders feel like someone hit them with a bat but its a good pain. I know its weird. It the  whole warrior thing us men go through.

Also to Heather thank you for what you did today that was the nicest thing anyone has done for me in years.. I ve been blessed to meet some great people in the past months and thank you to them.

I m getting a pretty decent following of  bloggers following my blog and vice versa. This guy has some amazing photography that you can purchase it well worth going to his site and explore.

http://hikingphoto.com/2012/09/04/west-coast-trail/

 

After the message in church yesterday I know this to be a true statement. Money is what I worship and not God on the same level. I know I m a Christian but when it comes to money I try to handle that on my own. I ve been poor since 6th grade. My dad was disabled and my mother was a school teacher. They did their damnedest to provide and nobody knew we were poor. All of my Christmas gifts were in pawn shops. All piggy banks were broken and the money was rolled for bread and milk at times. You get used to be poor but you never want to stay there. I used to go over to peoples house I couldn’t stand just to have a meal. I m not looking for pity but trying to detail what I mean by money is my idol.

I was going to be a doctor. I started the program and went a year and decided I didn’t want to be that smart and I needed money. So I got a decent degree and got blessed with an outstanding job out of college make at little more than 50K a year. To much money for an ignorant money minded boy who had been poor. I had always said I will never be poor but thats where I put all of my focus and guess what after filing personal bankruptcy I had followed in my parents shoes and I was broke.. I used to have a fear of running out of things we would buy two of things even though the store was close. I would throw a fit if we ran out. I was so used not to having a things that when I became it would be different. I did what poor people when they come into money I spent it. Vacations, stuff, cars etc..  I have a chair and a PS3 from those days and that’s it. So my God was money. Thats what I worshiped. I would always pray God my finances are yours until he didn’t give me what I wanted and then I took it back over. So here I m  now and I struggle with money there are so many things I want to do and people I want to help but I still try and control. If we can learn to turn it over to God and not worry we will be provided for. Name the last time you worried about something that your worry fixed it. I know this is the pot calling the kettle black, but I need someone to help hold me accountable.

Also when someone tells you that money doesn’t buy happiness that’s crap.  Money can not make you content and fulfill your life. I know when I was sitting in St. Thomas drink tequilla I was pretty damn happy. I know what the statement means but if you chase the all mighty dollar you will be miserable because you will never catch it. Change your focus put God in control of those situations and I know he will give what we deserve.

I lost all of my money money can be made again. When I have a women tell me I will love if your a janitor I laugh. Thats right until we can’t pay a bill. Women have no idea the pressure we as men put on ourselves to be a provider. Just remember if you call out a man for being a crappy provider you might just pull off his private parts and hand them to him because inside you did.

 

Love ya all, Pass this on.





Day 34 Passing the Obstacles Test

23 09 2012

Hope everyone had or is having an amazing Sunday. After breaking my , fibula, tibia, and dislocated ankle in march I went back and played Rugby yesterday after only 6 months. Honestly I know it probably wasn’t the smartest thing thing in the world. I enjoy Rugby so much its a way for me to get my anger, frustration out in a sort of nonviolent manner. I enjoy the physical punishment that comes with it and what I get to dish out. I m very sore today and my ankle is sore but not swollen. After playing Rugby for 15 years its hard to just let go. I doing this for me and my happiness. I know I can get hurt again, I know I m getting older but its my life and if you find something that makes you happy stick with it. I have no idea if I m going to play anymore but I had to prove to myself that I could recover.

I went and visited a new church with my niece this morning called Elevate Life. Really neat church. Our area is blessed with many great churches that aren’t the traditional churches that scare people away. The pastor made a statement that floored. Out of 100% Christians that say they are Christians only 9.1% of those go to church. Really how in God’s name do you learn or get the support do you need. I used to be part of that 91% that did didn’t go to church and boy that worked out well for me. I used to say that I didn’t need to go to some building to know God and that is so correct. I do need to go and be with others who are at least trying to get closer to God.

The message the morning was passing the test of obstacles. : Big Thought: Every obstacle you face is a test for you to pass so you can grow to your next level. You will never get the best, without the test.  I know some of you are saying well I should have the best of everything I ve passed so many test. I have said that so many times. Did you really pass the test or look at someones else s paper. What I mean by this is that the voices we hear are what controls us. The voices, are God, Satan, our own, or someone elese’s. I mean your dad said you wouldn’t amount to anything, an ex said you were ugly, control, a failure etc.. Those things echo over and over in your ear. I know I said things to my ex that I never meant I just couldn’t handle my own pain so I said what I felt about myself so I could bring her to my level. I will say that there are things she said to me that right now if I hear them I revert back in my thought process.  I never  knew if my ex liked the way I looked.Now if someone says your very handsome. I kinda of give an half ass thank you and feel sick at my stomach that they would tell me that. I don’t feel that but it doesn’t matter what someone else’s think of us unless we feel that way. I want to not feel like a failure and I m going etc.. but I don’t YET. I m slowly getting over those things. I can choose to listen to the tapes in my head and live a miserable life or get closet to God and here what he thinks about me and then guess what I will see myself that way and also be able to accept what others say to me in a positive way.

I know people right now that try to buy, drink, medicate or move away from their problems. The one thing that never changes is that Wherever you go there you are. You can’t run from you. Catch yourself and fix your crap. It can be done. They say people don’t change. I know now personally that’s the biggest line of crap ever. If this sorry broken ma can change you can too, but you have to stop the tapes in your head. Hell press pause for a second and yes stop and smell the roses.

Booker T Washington Said this and it is so true: A person’s success should be measure, not so much by the position he has reached as by the obstacles which he has overcome.

 

 





Day 32 The Butterfly Effect

22 09 2012

I love to read any and everything except ESPN the magazine I think it sucks. Andy Andrews is an amazing write he hates to write though which is usually true of the best. He wrote a book called the Butterfly Effect.  A quote that I hope you can appreciate ” Every single thing you do matters.  You have been created as on of a kind. You have been created in order to make a difference. You have within you the power to change the world. He never said some of the things you do he said every thing you do.  He didn’t say good or bad. So every thing you do matters. Remember that when you think this isn’t a big deal it always is.

Heading to the movies tonight by myself to see Trouble with the Curve. Its a movie about a screwed up dad which we all know something about.

I hate drop off day for my kids. You can actually feel the tension in the mornings. Today was  a rough morning kids moving to slow and then saying they don’t want to go. I then have to prepare myself not to cry because I won’t see them. i have  figured in a year that I will miss 192 days of there life a year. I m sure they need me more than that too. I look at that number on the screen and think of all the things I could have done to change the outcome of my marriage so things could be different. Without what happened I would still be a sorry excuse of a man and father. So the days I do have them I will bust my ass to be the best man they will ever see. I won’t be perfect I know how to say I m sorry now and they will know that I will strive to let them know its okay if they make mistakes just be sorry and learn from them.

I haven’t wrote the end of the story on what started my ex and I on our roller coaster. I finished last time talking about I drew a line in the sand and told her I would change.This was March 2011 I told her to tell me what she wanted me to change and I would. The things she said cut me to the cor, but for the first time I actually heard what she was saying. I was a crappy dad, a horrible provider, and some others. There were six total. I said if the marriage is going to change I have to lead the charge. For the months of April and May she tested me over and over again. I didn’t fail. At this time I was selling my business, I had went to work for a flooring company and tried to start over. I was bummed about losing my business but a sense of relief that I could get over this.  There were thins that had happened in the months of January and March that can’t happen in a marriage that caused me to change and look at my failures as a husband. I will say that the month of June and first two weeks f  2011 was the most amazing month of our marriage my ex was everything I had wanted. In return I thought I was pretty good too. I thought we turned the corner. At the end of July 2011 we went to Vegas and on that trip something had changed. I had no idea what it was but she changed to me in a horribly way. We had been communicating and she shut down. I tried to think what I had done and begged her to tell me and nothing. When we got back we fought worse than we ever had. I had said things to her that I would not say to a dead animal. I actually hated her every bit of her. I can’t speak of what happened at the end of August but it absolutely floored me. I was ready to blow my brains out and very seriously thought about it. This is where my changed started.

Just an aside. My best friend Jim and I had ended our friendship February 29th 2008 we didn’t speak again until June 2011.. I had read on Facebook that he had found out that his youngest son was deaf. I put my pride down and sent a message on Facebook. Long story short we both put down our egos, immaturity and reached out to each other. Little did I know that August morning at 3:30 am I would be calling him and asking for help. Jim I know you read this. I love you and I know you know how sorry I was for all of my mishaps in our friendship but I would gladly die for you today if given the opportunity. Our friendship is amazing and he is the only person that understands me and had gone through every battle with me. If you don’t have that friend find one my life would had been empty without him.

I will talk next time about what started the beginning of the end.








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