Day 1891 Please don’t kill yourself

13 08 2018

Meet the teacher tonight. I have a jr. in high school and a 4th grader. My Lord time is passing faster and faster everyday as I get older.  Here’s to a great year for all of you!

I was sent a video today by one of my friends. It’s by Clayton Jennings called Stop, Please don’t kill yourself. Theres a tad of irony in that fact that is the month 7 years ago that I was ready to go. The noise in my head was loud, the pain that I felt in every step, in every fake situation I played up. I told goodbye in my silence knowing I wouldn’t see them again even though they had no clue this was the last time they would see me.

Depression was like a bag of Oreos for me. I could eat line after line with no thought. I could only think of the skin i was saving, the people who could breathe easier knowing that I wasn’t there. My kids that didn’t need this broken, failure of a man. I cried more those 2 weeks before the day came. Tears of joy for others and tears that I couldn’t believe the failure I allowed, the brokenness that started as I came out of the womb. I remember a primal scream  I let out in my car that I’m surprised didn’t shatter my windows. Suicide was my only way!

If I could tell you anything I would tell you its a season of life. Your damn right it hurts, probably the worst feeling you have ever had. If you choose to walk with the devil you will hold his hand. His whispers are loud and believable but you ave to yell out I mean really yell out tell the devil to leave you. You want to talk about courage fight the devil when he is partying in your head. That is courage but you cant do it alone! I believe in God! He never said it was going to be easy. I thought being a Christian was supposed to be easy but when I didn’t understand I blamed God and said you fix it or I end it.

God rose up and he grabbed my hand and said I know you ready so come on. I fought some days and others I just gave in because I was tired not physically but in life. So I stood up but if you believe this is easy you are delusional. You see what I allow you to see, you don’t see this heart or these tears. I spend a lot of time by myself. I do know if I dance with the devil i lose. So I beg you just today stand up. don’t worry about tomorrow. Deep inside your soul the best is there. You just forgot it. reach out, ask for someone to just hold you, ask them to just shut up and listen.

I’ve never known one person that took their life that made this world a better place. You were wanted, needed and so missed. God will see you through it. It might be  category 6 hurricane in your life but please don’t take your life. I love you even if I dont know you. I never want one person to sit in their car on a hill yelling, crying with snot bubbles praying that this death goes slow because thats what I deserved. so I’m here!

Stop please don’t kill yourself!

 

 

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Day 1871 is the past the past

30 04 2018

Another week and another day getting Balder. Man the patch on my head if I let me hair grow just a little bit looks like i have mange.  Also the fact next week my daughter will be 16 I’m officially getting more seasoned. I don’t use the word old.

The past is the past or is it? I believe it is. What I did in my past will never change. I’m sorry, and wish more than anything I could change the pain i caused people, the people I stepped on to get what I wanted, the conditions I put on people that I wouldn’t follow, the relationships I wrecked because of fear, or the men I hurt because honestly it made me feel better.  I paid my penance and some days I relieve it. I will never forget what happened or what I did but I’m taking my past to help change people’s lives. I never thought one day I’m going to take this crappy relationship or whatever and help change people lives. I wish you could have been with me when my life started the tumble that I  saw coming (at that point it was too late). Would I blow my brains out, try to drown slowly, have a car crash, or just ove dose. I get it and I was alone during my walk by my choice. People who struggle with anger, self-worth, addictions, sex, manipulation. Why do i do this because people harbor their past and live in it. Living in the past will kill you one way or another. I want to help the people who want to learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. We’re a rare bird but we attract other rare birds which is one cool flock.

If you’re a person that constantly reminds people of their past, or you can’t forgive them of their past especially when trying to get better! You’re the one with the problem. Get out of the relationship. You need help. Don’t crush someone else because you can’t deal with yourself.

The past is the past and if you hold that against someone you need to be someone else’s past. People can never change if you continue to slap them with things that can’t be changed. Yes you can mend fences but what caused the fence to fall wont be forgotten. Its our job to look past the past and try to help that person move forward, if you cant, please step away, remember grace is a 2 way street

God died on the cross to forgive our sins from tomorrow, today, and yesterday. So stop playing God people, it is finished, let it go. He died for everyone, not the ones you can’t forgive. Dont try drinking a cup of poison and hope the other person gets sick.

Love you all.





Day 1511 Time heals all wounds- UMM No

13 04 2017

Happy Good Friday eve. Please take time and remember what Easter is all about. Kids mostly think it’s about a bunny, gifts and eggs. Just tell the story, your kids will understand one day. Enjoy your family. There are no promises for tomorrow.

I hear all the time Time heals all wounds. I want to define that persons definition of healed. Just like forgiveness you forgive but you never forget. In death, loss of a game, divorce, selling a home, memories, smells. You name it Time does not heal all wounds! When people give that advice they are very intended BUT Just sit back and in time you’ll no longer have the sadness, anguish, yearning, guilt, anger, and fear you’re feeling now. They’ll fade away, and you’ll be fine.  I mean how long is that time span where it will change, a month, 10 years, 50 years?

Yesterday at target an older lady walked by and  her perfume made me turn around it was White Diamonds the same perfume m mom work. Overwhelming sadness hit. You could also say it was a reminder of her that was positive. I didn’t ask for the feeling it just hit me. Anytime I smell a Marlboro cigarette it reminds me of my dad on Saturday mornings. That meant it was time to get up and go play sports. It may be a song, it may be an old road, but time doesn’t heal.

What I will tell you is,  It’s what you do with that time. You can pretend to shove all of the  junk in the back part of your brain. It’s still there, you didn’t hide it and something will trigger it and then what. You have to get help. You can bury yourself in work, family, drugs, alcohol but you can’t run fast enough from your self. It’s an endless game of tag that you always will lose. Time transforms how you have to deal with the wounds.  Time makes it easier to wait to cry until you get in the car. Time gives you some “good days” where you can better turn toward positive things or enjoy a good time or distract yourself with work, family, church etc..

The all mighty Counselor God will transform time, he will put us in places to heal but it’s not time. It’s what we do with that time. We are never alone  or isolated unless  we make that choice. Counseling, talking, crying, being real, letting go, admitting where we fall, not trying to understanding everything, loving others, support groups ….. Those things help time. Don’t be 80 years old trying to let go of a lifetime of pain while trying to gasp for a last breath. We never forget ,we just are able to deal with (it) if not time will eat us alive. Even the strongest crumble in TIME.





Day 1149 Im finally in an amazing realtionship

28 03 2016

Yesterday was the first big holiday without my mom. It was very different and she was missed terribly. Flashbacks of her being there, eating, laughing telling me if I didn’t use my manners she was going to shove an Easter egg down my throat and make me like it.
I would do anything to have her back, tell her I love her, and have her hug me one more time. Yesterday was just another day to remember how amazing she was and how she made everything so special.
A big thank you to my sister Meagan Wood for cooking like mom would have, but the bad part it was on time which would have never happened with my mom.

For almost 25 years I’ve been searching for someone to love ME. Not what I can do for them, or what my potential was but for me. I knew what I was capable of and for most of the relationships I was pretty decent in loving and showing love. I was broken and made a lot of wrong turns but now I made a change in my life and knew what I could be as a boyfriend and a future husband. I was ready to give up, from blind dates, to people I knew from my past, to dating websites I was ready to throw in the towel. Being a daddy, a warrior for God, speaker, and working I had accepted that I wasn’t going to find anyone else. In July of last year I saw a girl I thought was pretty sent her a message and then we started talking. She was in Austin so I thought it was just going to be something where I passed the time. We talked a lot and I was dating a few women here and there. I finally decided to go meet her. I drove down during the week thought I was crazy because I was going to get back so late for work the next day. Based on all the things I wanted in a woman she was it but we know that we all put on a good show when we meet. After dinner we were sitting there and she put her arm around my arm, 2 points for her. Physical touch is my love language, so she was a head of the game. She looked at me like nobody ever had and I wondered why.

When I left I thought I really needed to see her again but didn’t know when I was going to “TRY” again. I kept trying and we became closer and closer. Still the whole time I did everything I could to push her away. Not because I didn’t want her but because I was afraid. I mean I already said I was good being single the rest of my life and how could anyone possibly love me. She didn’t budge. I knew she thought about leaving but she has something I never had and that she was loyal. We told me from our first date that she thought that I was incredible. She hasn’t stopped since. I’m weird, I’m different, I march to the beat of my own drum, but I’m also loving, caring, a giver, loyal, a man’s man, a great father and she’s helped show me that. My mom, sister, kids, and my close friends thought she was great but for some reason I couldn’t get over me. The day before my mom died we had a serious conversation and I thought it might be over , and the next day my mom died. She got here as quick as she could. Like anyone else she had no idea what to do so she was there. Through my tears, my stories, my laughs, my deepest fears, and the hardest thing that had happened to me. I had always said before If I  ever stayed with someone forever again I had to know what she was like when shit hit the fan. Well lets just say she bought the best toilet paper and wiped it clean lol.

She had grown closer to my kids, Rock Bottom Outreach, God and me. When I think of what I wanted in woman, mother and lover she exceeds those expectations. There will never be another woman like my mom but Stephanie Lemburg is following closely. About 3 weeks ago God and I had one of our one on ones. I asked that he lets my heart accept all of her and let my heart fall truly, madly , deeply in love. God spoke to me and said don’t let her go for any reason and Tyler you deserve this woman its time to let go of your junk.

I have done that and I couldn’t be happier. Sure we have the ups and downs of getting to know one another but at the end of the day I’m not worried about her walking out on me. There may not be a better feeling for a 40-year-old man to know the love of a loyal woman and that she’s even on my side when she’s about ready to hit me with a hammer.

AS my journey changes Im glad to walk it with Stephanie. I love you Stephanie and thank you.

 





Day 1106 I’m sorry dad 11 years later

10 02 2016

This year my dads death is probably harder than expected because six weeks ago my mom left us. What he taught me as come through my mind more and more each day as the days of my mom pass. Each year I write this, copy and paste and change it mostly for myself. I read to see where life changed or my feelings are different. I just know the last 6 months he was alive I appreciate those moments more now than ever. They were the hardest things I’ve heard from a man about a man. He was true, deep, vulnerable  and finally open. I hated the words but I needed to hear them. Rather than being able to absorb them at that moment I just filled myself with hate, and bitterness and then he was gone. He was so wise because he was broken and made more mistakes than a roomful of men could make. I appreciate the words I use now when I speak that came from him, the moments when I parent and blow it and here him say its okay. When I feel worthless and hear him say don’t get in the mouse trap of thoughts you can’t get out of. 11 years later I would tell him I’m sorry but thank you. You were not the broken, heartless, absent man I thought you were. I love you and I hope I’m making you and mom proud even through my struggles. Here is 3 years of writing about what the day brings to me. I hope it helps you and if not it helps me.

At 8:20 am tomorrow 11  years ago  my father passed away. Sorry if you have heard the story before but this helps me deal with it and maybe you can get something out of it. I had never been more embarrassed, disappointed, and down right sickened by a human in my life than my dad. My dad was taking 27 pills a day to stay alive. We had brought him home from the hospital about 5 weeks earlier so he could die at home. He had a variety of things wrong with him they said he died of COPD but you could have chosen 5 or 6 other things. They had given him morphine under the tongue 2 weeks before so it had been a while since I had seen him “normal”. My problems started in life at 10 when my dad said that it was time for me to be the man of the family and I wore that with a badge of honor. It is by far the worst thing anything can put on a little boy. I truly believed in my head my dad thought I could handle the pressure and that he took a step back and started the deterioration process. It’s not like he didn’t do anything but when I was 14 he became disabled and quit. I was so pissed. I m a fighter and I don’t quit and he left my mom and I to take care of him and my sister. I know he was sick and his body was failing him but he could have tried to do something. He made me a promise that if I graduated from college that he would be there and stand for me when they called my name. Well he did that in December of 1998. It was the last time I could say I was proud of him. He was there and then had to go to the car. He had to carry an oxygen tank with him but I know that day he was proud of me. AS the years went on I saw less of him. I was embarrassed and now I know I was really pissed at him. I saw the man he was becoming, he couldn’t take care of himself at all and my mother waited on him hand over fist. September 2004 I started my own business. I will never forget that day he said “( I m so proud you had the courage to do something I wouldn’t) I remember mumbling to myself yeah You could have and he wouldn’t have been so damn poor.

August 2004 my dad got the words you only have 6-9 months left to live. He started the I m sorry and started to bear his soul. He apologized to my mom and I heard  his words he was sorry and my mom waited 34 years to hear those words. He apologized to my sister and requested that she do a few things which she agreed. He then started his process with me. It took a full 5.5 months to get it all out. I learned things about him that I never knew. He was a great card player, a real sharp dresser. He owned bowling alleys and restaurants, he played with his close friend Buddy Holly in his band and some other things that I will keep to myself. At first I was so happy to hear all of this and then I became bitter that he would wait until he was gone and couldn’t do anything about it. His last words that he said to me were son I wish I was half the man you had become. It was the most powerful thing I have ever heard but it should have been me saying that to him.

The last time I saw my dad alive was February 4th 2005. They got him out of bed and sat him in his chair. He had no idea we were there but he did have enough to tell me he was proud of me. I sat in front of him and talked to him like nothing was wrong but knew it wouldn’t be long before he died. I left that night and hoped God would take him I wished for more than anything. He was a shell of a man, he was so sick and my mom deserved better. Thursday February 10 at 9:40 pm my mom called its time son. We had many false alarms but this time her voice said it was really happening. He asked my mom to go to the store and get him some juice. He knew what he was doing when she got back my dad was in a coma. I got there at 11:00 that night. It was the longest drive I had made from Denton to Cleburne.  I wanted to have something to say to calm everyone down when I got there but I didn’t. I gave my sister, my mom and the hospice nurse a hug and went into the bedroom. No matter how ready you think you are you’re not ready to see you parent laying there taking their last breaths . The nurse told me that he could hear me so talk to him but he wouldn’t respond. Probably since the first time since I was a baby I went in laid in my dads arm and didn’t say a word. I laid there about 2 hrs and nobody came in there. I guess they knew I needed my time. I talked to my dad about what I was doing in my business and how I struggled with being a dad and husband. I told him I was mad about him leaving me here but I would hold up to the end of the bargain of taking care of my mom and sister. I got up and let some other people who came by the house come by and pay their respects. I sat outside in the dark for about an hr. I just kept praying for God please take him. His lungs were filling with fluid so his breathing was like that of a drowning person. At 8:00 that morning his breaths became fewer and fewer. My mom and sister came and said goodbye and I laid next to him holding his hand. at 8:20 I heard his last breath. A very surreal moment happened and his warm body became cold and his spirit left. It was my last time that I had to be the man of the family with him there!!

December 7th 2011 I went to my father’s grave for the first time. I was going through counseling and all kinds of help try to find peace and that day in the cold, mud, and sleet I hit my knees at his tombstone. I told him I was sorry for all the things I said and would he please forgive me and I forgave him. At that moment I looked over my right shoulder to see who was grabbing my shoulder and it was the spirit of the Lord lifting the burden off of me that I had carried for 25 years. My life has never been the same. My life hit Rock Bottom but because of that simple act of forgiveness for a man who did the best he could with the knowledge he had I’m here today still a broken man but gluing it all back together. At the beginning of January this year took a trip to the Sequoia National Forest and saw the largest trees in the world. It was the most majestic and quite place I had ever been on earth. In the quite I heard my Father speak to me and tell me that he loved me and he was proud of me. I promise its worth the fight and struggle to get to a place of peace and forgiveness.

 





Day 1103 Depression medication? OMG Help me

8 02 2016

Thought I might get a blog in before the Superbowl starts. I wish I truly gave a crap about who won but I don’t. I’m ready for the commercials though. We had another Rock Bottom Outreach Sleeping bag handout yesterday. I love those events because yes we are helping others but I believe we get more out of it. I took my babies with me so one that get to see real life but also its good for them to do others. I got this amazing pic taken with them too makes my heart happy.

my family

If you have read my blog you know I have struggled with depression and it comes from about 3 generations back on both sides. I had been off of medication for about 2 years and then in October life started creeping in on me. I really struggled because I was so mad that I couldn’t control my feelings. I had anger, sadness, despair. I also had days where I was so happy and excited but the bad days out weighed the correct thoughts. I know depression is a chemical imbalance not that you’re weak or have problems being strong. Its something you can’t handle. With at one point going to commit suicide I decided I better get back on medication. I got on Lexipro and in about 4 days I felt so much better and after two weeks I didn’t feel much of anything. There were no lows but also no highs. I could have been on fire and all I would have thought is I should put that out (said in Ben Stein’s voice). I didn’t get angry, passionate sad, depressed, lovey, or anything. I was okay with it because nothing was bad but I like to have feelings. I like to experience life and I was walking in it but I was numb. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on and that’s not me.  Then came December 29th and my mom died. I was super sad but I was calm to calm for me. I thought maybe it was because my walk with God or just I had grown up.  3 weeks into this I had only cried 4 times. I thought about her all the time but I was just here in a black hole of nothing. I didn’t want to be just here I wanted to feel and feel deep. I knew though that if I got off it I would be in big trouble. I couldn’t have this hit me all at once. So Last Monday I called my Dr and asked if I could half my dosage. She said yes and knows me well so I did it. I started really feeling different yesterday. Feelings that I haven’t felt in 3 months came on. I thought, grieved, laughed and cried yesterday. Today I actually felt and heard the message at church. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I felt love for my kids I hadn’t had in a while. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had thoughts about my mom that I hadn’t in years. On the 11th of this month my dad will be gone for 11 years and I thought about what my parents were doing in heaven. Mostly I thought about where my life was and was I good enough.

It may not sound like it but I need to feel, I need to live, I need to experience this journey that I didn’t expect to happen. I believe many people and I know a few that feel the same way I do. They hate not feeling and they got off  the depression medicine. I can’t tell you what to do but know if you need medicine get on it and stay on it, but work your rear off while your on it to better yourself and let it be something that is not a mainstay. Don’t live on it because this world is meant to be lived not numbed. I’m not sure what the next few weeks bring but I’m thankful to feel whatever the heck normal is again.





Day 1103 Depression medication? OMG Help me

7 02 2016

Thought I might get a blog in before the Superbowl starts. I wish I truly gave a crap about who won but I don’t. I’m ready for the commercials though. We had another Rock Bottom Outreach Sleeping bag handout yesterday. I love those events because yes we are helping others but I believe we get more out of it. I took my babies with me so one that get to see real life but also its good for them to do others. I got this amazing pic taken with them too makes my heart happy.

my family

If you have read my blog you know I have struggled with depression and it comes from about 3 generations back on both sides. I had been off of medication for about 2 years and then in October life started creeping in on me. I really struggled because I was so mad that I couldn’t control my feelings. I had anger, sadness, despair. I also had days where I was so happy and excited but the bad days out weighed the correct thoughts. I know depression is a chemical imbalance not that you’re weak or have problems being strong. Its something you can’t handle. With at one point going to commit suicide I decided I better get back on medication. I got on Lexipro and in about 4 days I felt so much better and after two weeks I didn’t feel much of anything. There were no lows but also no highs. I could have been on fire and all I would have thought is I should put that out (said in Ben Stein’s voice). I didn’t get angry, passionate sad, depressed, lovey, or anything. I was okay with it because nothing was bad but I like to have feelings. I like to experience life and I was walking in it but I was numb. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on and that’s not me.  Then came December 29th and my mom died. I was super sad but I was calm to calm for me. I thought maybe it was because my walk with God or just I had grown up.  3 weeks into this I had only cried 4 times. I thought about her all the time but I was just here in a black hole of nothing. I didn’t want to be just here I wanted to feel and feel deep. I knew though that if I got off it I would be in big trouble. I couldn’t have this hit me all at once. So Last Monday I called my Dr and asked if I could half my dosage. She said yes and knows me well so I did it. I started really feeling different yesterday. Feelings that I haven’t felt in 3 months came on. I thought, grieved, laughed and cried yesterday. Today I actually felt and heard the message at church. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I felt love for my kids I hadn’t had in a while. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had thoughts about my mom that I hadn’t in years. On the 11th of this month my dad will be gone for 11 years and I thought about what my parents were doing in heaven. Mostly I thought about where my life was and was I good enough.

It may not sound like it but I need to feel, I need to live, I need to experience this journey that I didn’t expect to happen. I believe many people and I know a few that feel the same way I do. They hate not feeling and they got off  the depression medicine. I can’t tell you what to do but know if you need medicine get on it and stay on it, but work your rear off while your on it to better yourself and let it be something that is not a mainstay. Don’t live on it because this world is meant to be lived not numbed. I’m not sure what the next few weeks bring but I’m thankful to feel whatever the heck normal is again.








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