Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.

 

Advertisements




Day 1361 You cant see it

9 11 2016

The election is over and we survived. I think most people did. I wish people cared about their own lives as much as they care about things they have no control over. It’s a lesson we as a people may never understand or follow. In my short 41 years I see people fighting over politics trying to change someone else’s mind but they will continue to go to a job everyday they hate and they have control over it.

If I had my life to live over again I wouldn’t need to see it. I would just do it.  What are you talking about Tyler? We resist change because we have to see the whole staircase put together but until we do life stays the same. We wake up unhappy, stay in turbulent times, continue making the same mistakes, not wanting to deal with pain of rejection, failure, criticize  , losing, defeat, not being liked etc.  So we duck the pain popping up to see if the staircase is complete then we think we will walk right over and take the world by the private parts. Martin Luther King said that faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole staircase. Think about how many things in life you didn’t do because you didn’t the end of the road or top of the staircase. Life is about pain you can’t hide from it. So we think lets not take the step and therefore I don’t get hurt. That’s such a lie because of the regret of life is the hardest to cope with and it never is forgotten.

Most us go through life trying to pretend it okay when it’s not. Hoping we please someone else that can’t please themselves. Rather than saying I listened to them long enough and I know what I’ve already lost and now I’m going to do what is best for me. There is a quote not sure who from but it goes something like this: Courage is what feels most right for you! Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste death but once. Meaning they taste the fear but move forward.

Please today take the leap of faith, build the staircase one step at a time, start putting the puzzle together. You already know what its like to live in pain and fear and all we’ve done is created more fear and deep seeded pain. Where our lives are right now is just now they can be so much better. Think about the mistakes we’ve made, the destruction we created and look how far we have come. Since tomorrow isn’t promised now is a great time to start. Love you!





Day 1121 Day 1119 The ghost I can’t catch

26 02 2016

Good evening from Durango Colorado.  After my mom passed away I didn’t take any time off so with two of my best buddies we are going to get away, snowboard, and enjoy the great outdoors. Nothing brings you back to what this life was created for than being in the great outdoors.

I’ve been in Counseling since September 2011 I’m so thankful I put my pride down and decided to make the life changing decision. It started so I could figure out why I wanted to take my life. From that moment on I learned about anger, worth, love, forgiveness, starting over, God, parenting. I could go on but mostly I learned to become a changed man. I thirsted for the knowledge, I couldn’t get enough, some of it was the worst feelings I have ever had. I wanted to quit, I wanted to run away, I wanted to give up, thankfully here I am.  I call this journey because of the peaks and valleys. I’ve never had a real even kill time since I started counseling. Then my mom dies in December and I knew I had to dig deeper in counseling and find out this emptiness I’ve had for about two years. With all the interceptive thoughts going along with my grief I kept asking myself why, why do you feel this way about yourself? Why can’t you get over this hill? Then this past Tuesday I counseling comes with only 10 minutes left in my session… Please don’t feel pity, or say something generic. I’m trying to be real to help me and maybe someone else!!

Brian I’ve been a failure at everything I touched and I mean everything. It’s the first time in my life I verbally said that. I think I thought it but no way I would say it. I started listing my failures, from sports, friendships, marriage, business, parenting, my personnel finances, addiction, sex etc.. With those thoughts I could never be truly happy or feel worthy. Brian my counselor looks at me and said you have to go back again and fix that. Go back where to what. I already forgave my dad. He was what I blamed, for everything wrong. So what do you mean. I said I struggle with love to. I feel like I don’t do it well and I struggle to receive it.  So with one minute left in the session he said I don’t know where you need to go to start but you have to.

Walked to my car sat down and wanted to throw up. All I could say is are you fing serious all of this and I left something in the rear view that I didn’t cleanup. I wanted to cry but I was to angry. I had a very brief conversation with God that a little something like you can Kiss my … God. AS I drove to an apt for work I sat there thinking this issue is like a ghost. You can see a ghost but you go to grab it and there’s nothing there. Yes, I know I can pray and have but God wants me to put the work in too. I’m fighting a ghost and even though I consider myself a pretty scrappy fighter this one I’m at a loss on now.

You might be fighting something too that seems like a losing cause. All I know If I can overcome so many of my demons this will fall to it just doesn’t come in my time. Here’s to sitting and listening and taping up these weather beaten and bruised hands for another round with me.





Day 845 Divorce is the only answer

20 05 2015

I’ve tried to tell my friends that aren’t in Texas how much we have received in two months. I know after 4 years of drought floods come but hey were good now. Lets send the rain to California. One lake was 32 feet down in February which means on 21% of it was filled. After lasts night rain it 9 feet down. The lake that is closet to us was 12 feet down and now its 6 feet above level.  What it means is that we took our rain dance to far. Milli Vanilli said it best Blame it on the rain. Okay I’m sorry I typed that out but hopefully you laughed.

If you have read my blog for very long you know I despise divorce. Not only for the adults but the kids are never the same. I could give you stats and blah blah about why about keeping you family in tact is best but I’m sure you’ve heard it all.  I’m a proponent for fighting to the bitter end (no pun intended) to save your family. I know because I did it. I wasn’t perfect in trying to plug all the wholes in the boat but when it was over I knew I did everything within what God gave me to save my marriage. I walked away with no regrets. I mean none. The church and Christians have done a horrible thing to divorcees to shame them about divorce and quoting what the bible says. I can read my bible and I know what it says about divorce but I can also show you in the bible where God dislikes bad marriage and the the life we have. God never wanted us miserable, broken or hopeless. That’s a promise! The broad paint brush that people use is so funny because if you bring up their sin they want to move on from that and just focus on what divorce is doing. I’m here to give another side.

Yes there are exceptions to every rule so lets through that out. 1.Sometimes people suck at being married. They just aren’t or won’t be capable of being faithful. Sure you can get help but they usually follow what they saw growing up and that circle hasn’t been broken yet. Just because God created us to be together doesn’t mean everyone is cut out for it. If you get married in your teens or early 20’s your destined to fail. You change so much in your 20’s that by the time you get to 30 you have no idea who the heck is the person you married is. I know this for a fact. The ones that married in there 20’s (again not all) have to trick up their life sexually etc.. with a job that travels so they didn’t see each other. 3.God has left their marriage- You got married in a church and that was the last time you were there,  or you went to church so your neighbor saw you went but God is page 20 of your newspaper.

4. Its takes two to be successful in a marriage and especially if you’re trying to repair it. YOU cannot fix a marriage if you’re the only one getting help because YOU CANT CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE. They can change but you can’t change them. If you divorce someone because the snore you’re an idiot. Everybody has things that the other person isn’t going to like. That’s the magic of marriage is taking the difference in two opposite people and make a beautiful cracked vase out of it.

If your physically being abused get out now. That typically doesn’t change and once the first punch is thrown it only gets easier to continue for you to be the punching bag of choice. Otherwise I say this, alcoholism, verbal abuse ( thats a 2 way street), drugs, family curses ,relatives, religious difference, greed, laziness, selfish etc.. With each one of these and more you don’t just leave your spouse. The vows said for better and worse. Not this is getting hard now leave. You fight your butt off to love, guide,  get counseling, direct, lead, hug, cry, fear for your spouse but sometimes after you have given your all. It’s okay to hang up and move on. People with demons won’t change, it’s always someone else  fault and I promise you have to hit Rock Bottom and lose it all to realize what you had. Some will never change and that’s not your fault. If you have given it your all God’s going to love you no matter what. He knows if you truly gave it your all or when it got tough you just quit.

Your only a failure in life when you don’t try! You get married it gets hard you quit, yes then you failed. Im tired of knowing that I have a lot of great people getting beat down because they got divorced. I know they tried and I know how bad your heart hurts, from betrayal, failed dreams, broken souls kids tears. If you have never been down the journey of being divorced it’s probably better you stay in your glass house and keep your mouth shut.  To my divorced peeps. Mend the heart, open it up again and find someone who didn’t quit and fought their butt off then ask God to show you his way and not your own.

SOAPBOX OVER.





Day 845 Divorce is the only answer

20 05 2015

I’ve tried to tell my friends that aren’t in Texas how much we have received in two months. I know after 4 years of drought floods come but hey were good now. Lets send the rain to California. One lake was 32 feet down in February which means on 21% of it was filled. After lasts night rain it 9 feet down. The lake that is closet to us was 12 feet down and now its 6 feet above level.  What it means is that we took our rain dance to far. Milli Vanilli said it best Blame it on the rain. Okay I’m sorry I typed that out but hopefully you laughed.

If you have read my blog for very long you know I despise divorce. Not only for the adults but the kids are never the same. I could give you stats and blah blah about why about keeping you family in tact is best but I’m sure you’ve heard it all.  I’m a proponent for fighting to the bitter end (no pun intended) to save your family. I know because I did it. I wasn’t perfect in trying to plug all the wholes in the boat but when it was over I knew I did everything within what God gave me to save my marriage. I walked away with no regrets. I mean none. The church and Christians have done a horrible thing to divorcees to shame them about divorce and quoting what the bible says. I can read my bible and I know what it says about divorce but I can also show you in the bible where God dislikes bad marriage and the the life we have. God never wanted us miserable, broken or hopeless. That’s a promise! The broad paint brush that people use is so funny because if you bring up their sin they want to move on from that and just focus on what divorce is doing. I’m here to give another side.

Yes there are exceptions to every rule so lets through that out. 1.Sometimes people suck at being married. They just aren’t or won’t be capable of being faithful. Sure you can get help but they usually follow what they saw growing up and that circle hasn’t been broken yet. Just because God created us to be together doesn’t mean everyone is cut out for it. If you get married in your teens or early 20’s your destined to fail. You change so much in your 20’s that by the time you get to 30 you have no idea who the heck is the person you married is. I know this for a fact. The ones that married in there 20’s (again not all) have to trick up their life sexually etc.. with a job that travels so they didn’t see each other. 3.God has left their marriage- You got married in a church and that was the last time you were there,  or you went to church so your neighbor saw you went but God is page 20 of your newspaper.

4. Its takes two to be successful in a marriage and especially if you’re trying to repair it. YOU cannot fix a marriage if you’re the only one getting help because YOU CANT CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE. They can change but you can’t change them. If you divorce someone because the snore you’re an idiot. Everybody has things that the other person isn’t going to like. That’s the magic of marriage is taking the difference in two opposite people and make a beautiful cracked vase out of it.

If your physically being abused get out now. That typically doesn’t change and once the first punch is thrown it only gets easier to continue for you to be the punching bag of choice. Otherwise I say this, alcoholism, verbal abuse ( thats a 2 way street), drugs, family curses ,relatives, religious difference, greed, laziness, selfish etc.. With each one of these and more you don’t just leave your spouse. The vows said for better and worse. Not this is getting hard now leave. You fight your butt off to love, guide,  get counseling, direct, lead, hug, cry, fear for your spouse but sometimes after you have given your all. It’s okay to hang up and move on. People with demons won’t change, it’s always someone else  fault and I promise you have to hit Rock Bottom and lose it all to realize what you had. Some will never change and that’s not your fault. If you have given it your all God’s going to love you no matter what. He knows if you truly gave it your all or when it got tough you just quit.

Your only a failure in life when you don’t try! You get married it gets hard you quit, yes then you failed. Im tired of knowing that I have a lot of great people getting beat down because they got divorced. I know they tried and I know how bad your heart hurts, from betrayal, failed dreams, broken souls kids tears. If you have never been down the journey of being divorced it’s probably better you stay in your glass house and keep your mouth shut.  To my divorced peeps. Mend the heart, open it up again and find someone who didn’t quit and fought their butt off then ask God to show you his way and not your own.

SOAPBOX OVER.





Day 843 What we have here is a failure to communicate

19 05 2015

Once again I made myself so tired from the weekend that I feel asleep with a book in my hand last night. That crap of learning by osmosis isn’t working either. At least I look smart falling asleep.  I’m also pretty lucky because my family got to hear my testimony this weekend. Rock Bottom Outreach spoke at a church in Azle and everything just fell into place for them to be there. AS excited as I was I had no idea how they would respond. They cried and I know they understand me just a tad bit more. Needless to say Big Jesus showed up!

Sometimes I can be the greatest communicator on earth and other times not so much. I heard a speaker once say that once you stop asking questions, asking why, and assuming that you have started your trek to failure. I failed in my marriage because I thought I knew everything I needed to about her and our life and it started to show I didn’t care. I stopped asking. Assumption is poison. Why? How many times did you get mad at someone who didn’t ask you about something and you got mad. When you asked them why and they said I just thought I knew. I instill in my kids never assume because you will always be wrong. Why not ask and just save the pain?

Why because it hurts to hear the truth. It might be uncomfortable but if you can’t or don’t conflict arises and nobody likes conflict. Well mostly nobody! I have learned this more in the dating world. If you have a failure to communicate or won’t communicate I’m not the guy for you. I learned with hiding my junk it caused ripples which turned into waves. You don’t have to communicate and that’s okay but not for me. When I got real with God I got to see the true me but came to expect to see that in everybody else. It doesn’t happen that way. I want to see any and everything about you. Yes even that. I know your thinking he’s going to judge me. I try so hard not to judge but guess we all judge. No matter how hard we try. My first judging turns into appreciation that you shared. There is not a better compliment that I opened up to you because I feel I could talk to you about anything.

This blog may seem pointless and not very deep and I’m sorry it’s not more  but I think it has so much here in the few words I typed. If your hearing the great Cool Hand Luke in the back of your mind tell you “what we have here is a failure to communicate” then you have failure and its time to open that mouth and ask.





Day 843 What we have here is a failure to communicate

18 05 2015

Once again I made myself so tired from the weekend that I feel asleep with a book in my hand last night. That crap of learning by osmosis isn’t working either. At least I look smart falling asleep.  I’m also pretty lucky because my family got to hear my testimony this weekend. Rock Bottom Outreach spoke at a church in Azle and everything just fell into place for them to be there. AS excited as I was I had no idea how they would respond. They cried and I know they understand me just a tad bit more. Needless to say Big Jesus showed up!

Sometimes I can be the greatest communicator on earth and other times not so much. I heard a speaker once say that once you stop asking questions, asking why, and assuming that you have started your trek to failure. I failed in my marriage because I thought I knew everything I needed to about her and our life and it started to show I didn’t care. I stopped asking. Assumption is poison. Why? How many times did you get mad at someone who didn’t ask you about something and you got mad. When you asked them why and they said I just thought I knew. I instill in my kids never assume because you will always be wrong. Why not ask and just save the pain?

Why because it hurts to hear the truth. It might be uncomfortable but if you can’t or don’t conflict arises and nobody likes conflict. Well mostly nobody! I have learned this more in the dating world. If you have a failure to communicate or won’t communicate I’m not the guy for you. I learned with hiding my junk it caused ripples which turned into waves. You don’t have to communicate and that’s okay but not for me. When I got real with God I got to see the true me but came to expect to see that in everybody else. It doesn’t happen that way. I want to see any and everything about you. Yes even that. I know your thinking he’s going to judge me. I try so hard not to judge but guess we all judge. No matter how hard we try. My first judging turns into appreciation that you shared. There is not a better compliment that I opened up to you because I feel I could talk to you about anything.

This blog may seem pointless and not very deep and I’m sorry it’s not more  but I think it has so much here in the few words I typed. If your hearing the great Cool Hand Luke in the back of your mind tell you “what we have here is a failure to communicate” then you have failure and its time to open that mouth and ask.

 

 








FAUZI PRESIDENT HAMIKU

Invite Rizky FAUZI as Speaker - 08986800220 (Chat WA) | SUPPORT HAMIKU SUCCESS with SHARE IT | Setelah DIBACA timbal baliknya harus di-SHARE soalnya gak gratis... - RIZKY FAUZI

iksperimentalist

a collision of science and comedy

Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective

I cheated. Yip I did it, I am not proud of it, but that won't change a thing. This is my story of me trying to survive one day at a time. No guarantees....

Sound of Silence

There is a better place than this silence

The Time Lock

photos by amsang

simple Ula

I want to be rich. Rich in love, rich in health, rich in laughter, rich in adventure and rich in knowledge. You?

%d bloggers like this: