Day 1523 Who are you when the door closes

26 04 2017

It was 76 degrees at 9:00 am this morning. At 12:00 it was 61 and now its 52 with a low of 45. Friday it will 90. I can’t change my underwear as fast at the weather changes in the beautiful state of Texas.  If you’ve never been to Texas make sure to get some BBQ and Mexican food it may give you gas but its worth it I promise!

I hate surprises when it comes to people. I would rather you be yourself from jump than pretend to be someone you’re not. I would never ask you to be like me and just put yourself out there from the get go. If you know me I’ll say just about anything, I volunteer information you probably didn’t want to know, I’ll let you know my faults, Ill tell a joke that might cause you to gasp, if the moment calls to cry with you I can and will, if you need me to defend you, I might lose my crap and get angry. I’ve been told and asked do you try to scare people away  before they get to know you? No I just want you to get to know me sooner than later. If you don’t like me you can move on and not waste time or say this is someone I want in my life forever. I want real! In any friendship or relationship there’s always a probationary period 1 month to 9 months. You kind of get a pass but we are who we are. What do you think is going to happen when people see the real you? I mean really think  about it if you become the bride or groom of chucky after 6 months do you think your relationship is going to flourish.

I have friends right now that long relationships are ending for the following, they were a drinker and hid it, one guy had kids that he never said anything about, another a porn addiction, one she sniffs markers when her kids go got school and passes out but gets up in enough time to still be mom and get the house ready. Another had an anger problem and she never knew he had until the first time she questioned him.  When you go home and close the door who knows that person.

Do you allow people to see the real you or do you put on a show? Do you exhaust yourself so much trying to prove you’re a great Christian, or mom, dad, friend but when you get home all hell breaks loose. The door closes behind you and your Halloween costume comes on. Being real is rare. I don’t have many friends, lots of people who claim to be friend but I have heard you are like nobody I’ve ever met. I always say thank you I wear that proudly. I tried to be a famous actor, and put my Halloween costume  on for people. It drove me to the point to try to take my life. I hope never again. I want you to like me but if you don’t its okay too. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I might be the best cup of tea you’ve had.

PS: Your closet door is open:)

 





Day 1507 Teach me how to live again.

9 04 2017

Happy April. One of the busiest months around. WE had NASCAR, baseball, Hockey, minor league baseball, basketball, 3 different festivals around DFW this weekend. It’s a great place to live and you can’t be bored but my Lord a ton of people live here now. There’s traffic everywhere I mean everywhere. Good thing I m sneaky and I know things and people so I can sneak around!

The life of a rock bottom person is a great story. Rising from the ashes, changing your story, ending curses, learning that there is the courage to keep going. You remember all the things that broke you, the moments where you look around and say I’m not worth it for some us the moment you write a letter saying I’m sorry but its time for me to live this world.  From those things you give hope, you love people, show people a new reality you show perseverance  when there wasn’t any.

I can only speak for me on this and my rock bottom story but I need someone to help me to live again. I hope for me its the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I’m sure some of you are asking what do you mean Tyler. I’m not sure I can put it in words but I’ll try. She has to be a strong-willed person, because I am. When my demons show themselves can either lift me up or smack me which ever one I need. Rock bottom people know relapse, we know when we feel God disappeared, (which he doesn’t) we know when we don’t feel worthy, or when we questions the comfortable pain we lived with so long. My book is almost finished said that now for 2.5 years someone who will say what are you doing. I want to read it, others will too. You have to start giving yourself credit Tyler. Someone that helps you believe in yourself when you have those moments you don’t Or when you find the courage and those are showing themselves that push you to get to the end.  She’s willing to take a chance because she believes in you enough and even if you fail, you didn’t fail you learned. That’s okay living on a thought like let’s go to California. Sometimes living life doesn’t have to make sense you just live it.

AS you get older you know outcomes better, when you screwed up so many things you play it safe. Safe sucks but you know the outcome if you do something not safe. So you live in a safe bubble trying not to recreate the mess you made. That’s not living. I’m not talking about drinking or drugging. I’m talking about seeing things you haven’t or doing things out of your comfort zone. She would take me by the hand and say I want to show you something. Your eyes open to the magic and beauty of the world you haven’t seen. It may sound like Hollywood but who cares. A lot of things in Hollywood are based on a true story and they make great movies.

She helps me focus, she’s optimistic, she shows a new reality.  The killer of life is routine, she’s okay breaking routine.  I know happiness and joy are internal works. I truly understand that and I need to find my joy again. I need help, I need someone to enhance me and see me faults and all as the great man I am.

My dad told me once that my mom made him see things that he just couldn’t. That she would believe when he wouldn’t that when he had an idea she supported him more than he supported himself.

If I died tomorrow and around me were all my hopes, dreams. I would have to apologize to them. My fears and doubts could pat me on the head say good try. I need that person that is  a dream catcher and a hope provider and loves me crap and all. If I’m asking too much then I’ll continue on my journey by myself because I want to live and one way or another I’m getting there.

Get busy living or get busy dying!





Day 1411 It cant be you

2 01 2017

Happy new year blog peeps. I can’t believe its 2017. When I graduated high school in 1994 making it the year 2000 seamed impossible, Now 17 years from that date. I’m here bald and better looking than before. Okay I’m bald at least.

Resolutions and all the other January not going to happen things is not why I’m writing this. I’m writing this to show you all the crap we believe we can’t do and here is my list to show why I can. Im just a normal guy like you. You have over come as much or more than me. Please list what you have overcome and stop for the love of God telling yourself why you can’t or you live in fear.

I was thinking the last 2 weeks about why I’m not exactly where I want to be in my life. I don’t say can’t but if it’s not happening I must not believe it. So I started listing out these things in my life:

I started out in life with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck and came out feet first.
I had a blood disorder for 8 weeks and bleed out of my eye and ear.
Diarrhea for 11 weeks as a baby
My first concussion and 12 stitches above my eye at 5.

My dad and I almost drowned at the lake at 6 years old after our boat flipped over
7 years old broke my orbital bone under my left eye wont be able to see  Everything was blury for 6 months.
Broke my femur in the growth plate my leg stopped growing, 2 weeks later bone was growing wrong had to re-brake and reset. He wont play sports again
Got an infection month 6 into the bone healing and fever got to 107 I almost died.
My dad became disabled in 8th grade and never worked again. All Christmas presents and anything of value we had was pawned or taken from us
9th grade 2 scopes on my knee
10th grade had my left legged shortened to match my right by 2.5 inches I would never play sports again
11th grade total reconstruction of my knee
Dreams shattered because I was injury prone colleges didn’t want me.
Left one college to the next to try to  catch the answers when I was the answer.
19 Years old beaten up so bad lost 2 pints of blood
2 abortions
21 years old The girl I loved left me
27 years old total reconstruction of my left knee
29 years old my dad dies
35 years old business and personal bankruptcy
Lost my business
Lost my best friend
Lost full custody of my kids
36 years old lost my marriage
36 years old Lost my house, dignity, and my life, all hopes and dreams shattered
36 years old tried to take my life
40 years old lost my best friend and unconditional love in my life my mom.

WHEN I LOOK AT THIS LIST SAYING CANT IS A LIE FROM THE PITS OF HELL. I CAN AND HAVE. AS YOU PLAN FOR 2017 LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE OVERCOME AND SEE YOU CAN!! YOU CAN! YOU CAN! LIFE WON A FEW BATTLES BUT WITH GOD WE ARE WINNING THE WAR!
NOTHING STOPS US EXCEPT US. RISE UP AND BE WHO YOU WERE INTENDED TO BE. NO EXCUSES BECAUSE LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!





Day 1392 My first Christmas without my mom

14 12 2016

Merry Christmas! These last 2 months have been crazy. Trying to balance it all and dealing with the holidays have been tough but today I wanted to write/blog.  I hope you realize how great my mom was. Until the next one!

I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since my mom left us to go be with my dad in heaven on 12-29-15 .  Christmas will never be the same but how I appreciate her so much more now which I didn’t know was possible.

Christmas are the best memories of my mom. when we were younger and finances were better we were spoiled. my parents had a hard time saying no. We got what we asked for. so much so my dad told  years later my mom drove 4 hrs to Oklahoma city to get Junkyard Dog wrestling figure  an 8 hr trip for a $20 dollar toy.
starting in 8th grade my dad became disabled and we tried to live on a teacher’s salary .  nobody knew we were poor my mom didn’t allow for it. i never knew sometimes how were going to eat but things worked out . after my freshman year of high school I stopped asking for things. I didn’t want to ask for things because I felt selfish. When Christmas started rolling around mom asked over and over just tell me just one thing you want. Finally after she tried to rip my ear off I would tell her but told her I never expected anything, what you  do for us is enough. then Christmas morning Santa always came. I never could grasp how in the hell when we struggled to eat sometimes how she did it.
When I got to the point I appreciated my parents in my late 20’s I sat down one day and said how did you do it.
She said you always sacrifice and you try you damnedest  to never let your kids down. She said you sell things, you ask favors, you  drop your pride. which I told I promise you never did let us down . I have so many stories of her undying sacrifice ,  love, her heart of gold, her love of other people.
I have no idea how she juggled the job of a wife caring for a disabled husband, an amazing mother,  a school teacher, a friend, daughter, sister, super woman, a great cook, a disciplinarian, the loudest fan at her kids games, the first one to offer to help and then do it and finally the jolliest, most giving Santa Claus, whose  toy bag always  had the right toy in it every time.
This Christmas will never be the same but what she taught me on Christmas  is one thing I will cherish and pass along forever .




Day 1331 Don’t call it a comeback

10 10 2016

Happy Monday and Columbus day  to the blog readers. Do u remember when it’s started to get cool and you had to put jeans on again? Well that stinks and as I get older I wish we could just keep our body temperature regulated.  I’m getting old, now get off my lawn.
LL Cool J had a song where he said don’t call it a comeback: he made a comeback sound negative.i see why because the world tries the make us think that only a few people fall down so having a comeback is a weak thing.
I wish everyone could have a comeback like everyone falls down, but honestly very few in compassion  Comeback.
Comebacks rarely look like what we think. We think there Hollywood created, the guy gets the girl, the women finds her dad, the kid get a scholarship, the flood stops right at the doorstep, or the cancer just poof goes away.
I know my comeback was nothing like I wanted or asked for, I wanted my family to stay in tact, I didn’t want to split  holidays, or miss 183 days a year of my kids life, I didn’t want to spend countless nights alone with my own thoughts watching the ceiling fan spin, I thought I would have started another business, or my bank account would be full,  that I would be 3 seconds from taking my life or I would get in front of a group of 10 or 500 people and tell them how I screwed up everything.
Comebacks happen to us but not for us: We all think lets see if I comeback this way then I’ll be famous, or I will be loved this way, or I’ll become rich. How about you comeback and the only reason is because everyone around you needs you to comeback. The power we have inside of us to change a life with just our simple words is truly astounding. The one moment or place that everything you went through that someone can reach out to you and say because you told your story I was able to get up one more day when I wanted to take my life, or i was about to leave my message, I was going to quit but because you didn’t I stayed.

Stop trying to make it make sense. I need to fix it or understand before I can do it. No you just start doing “it” whatever your it is do it because right in front of you is your story that someone needs to hear it. Yes your story, my story! Nobody truly wants to sit on an island alone. We want to know does anyone feel what I felt, I’m not the only one. We’re never the only one we just lie to ourselves and believe it.

As our pastor said yesterday we are all just Wound healers in progress. I love that because we will always be wounded but our job is to pick the wounded and walk with them and hope we start healing.

When I need a reminder of why Im here, or what am I doing ,I look down at my right wrist and get a reminder. I hope if your reading this or will be that I have changed your life or given you hope. If not, as long as Im here we still have time. It’s your time for a comeback!

20161010_133620

 

 





Day 1325 Why did you abandon me

2 10 2016

Hello friends it’s finally cool in Texas 85 yesterday which had people in sweaters and coats. Also everything pumpkin spice Is out including dog food and toilet paper. Here’s to fall, football, and streakers at sporting events.
Defination of abandoned -no longer held or thought of : given up.
Our founder of Rock bottom outreach Rick Smith  was giving his testimony at Springtown Texas See Ya at the Pole last Wednesdays  and spoke about his abandonment  issues. I listened whole hardheartedly for the first time and it slapped me in the face. This has been one of my biggest issues that I wouldn’t admit because I just didn’t know.
As I walked by my dad’s room leading to my room I always either shook my head or asked why. Why did you give up on me, (aka abandon us)mom and my little sister. Why when I need you the most you can’t or won’t. Don’t you see what I’m trying to do and I’ll need is guidance but your gone. Dammit dad help me but nothing.  Tell me it’s going to be okay, tell me you’ll help me, tell me I can do it but don’t give up on me. Still nothing,  so the sooner you die the better. You quit on me so I’m done with you when your ready to go. So he dies and he leaves me (abandoned).
My ex wife- in the back of my mind for 14 years if  I wasn’t good enough for my dad there is no way you’ll stay with me but since I don’t give up I won’t quit on you.  Problem is when you think that way you live by a scorecard. See what I did for you, us. I’m enough because of  the tasks I do not for the love I have for you or me. Sooner or later people can’t score enough points and you really aren’t enough. Even when I completed my list of changes you asked and became 180 degree different man. You abandoned me and I wasn’t enough again.
My mom, who was my best friend left us this past December. Nobody asked me to take her it wasn’t her time. She didn’t get to see all the great things I was going to do, see my new family complete, or when I needed your tough love where did you go. How dare you  God take her. Now she and you have abandoned me.
I meet this beautiful,amazing woman who would die for me and I spend the majority of our relationship trying to push her away. In my mind I say this is what’s wrong with her ( which is really nothing), so I’ll just remind her so she’ll leave me too. There is no way since my dad, my ex-wife, mom and yes Jesus abandoned she’s going to as well but all shes does is love me when I don’t want to be enough or think shes going to leave.
Thanks God for abandoning me time and time again. I know better. God has always been there for me, he saved my life, but it’s better to blame him than see the truth. I’m a crappy Christian and follower  because I believe the lies the devil whispers in my ears. Healing is real when you want and believe it. I’m asking all of  these unperfect, broken people to be perfect and love me but I won’t do the same without thinking their going to leave me.
So I know abandonment now. It’s another hurdle on this journey. It’s realizing that if I embrace the ones that love me and know if I feel abandonment they do to and not push them to leave because they can and will. I can hurt them so much too not even knowing that I’m doing it.
My first thing I want to say I’m sorry to the ones I push away I didn’t know I was doing it. I’m constantly working to be better so bare with me. God honors obedience and he loves us even when don’t or won’t love ourselves. He never leaves us. Ever!
Thanks for reading and supporting this crazy weird bald dude.





Day 1178 Grass, dirt and some dust

29 04 2016

This time of year is so cool. So many festivals, sports, weather is good and then hell is unleashed in Texas with hail and tornadoes, kids events and work. Only problem is I forget to rest or sleep but they say you get a really good cat nap when your gone so I guess I’ll wait for my cat nap. Did you also know that the older you get you have to pee more. It’s ridiculous because the Dr says drink more water so I do then I pee while standing up in the middle of the night and almost fall asleep while I’m doing it. I know I have issues but its okay I’m in counseling!!

Most of you know that my mom passed in December. Most of you know that grieving is a process and sometimes you just don’t want to have to deal with it. My mom has a storage unit that she’s paid for 25 years and it was time to clean it out. So on Sunday my sister and I decided  it was time to quit avoiding the obvious and move on. Im not sure what we were worried about the smell of moth balls or the memories. With the help of my girlfriend and my sisters  boyfriend we started. All of our childhood toys were in the storage, cabbage patch, Barbie, little people, he-man, hot wheels, wrestling figures, our sports trophies, my college football letters. I never asked my sister much about it just kept moving on. Uncovering every dusty box, or dresser full of stuff. Every box I opened I wanted to cry, smile or kick the shit out of it because both of my parents are gone. I could remember the games we played, or the sports stuff when my parents came and watched. My sisters twirling stuff that they were so proud of her about. Each box was a memory that I kind of cringed because I knew that my past was sitting there looking at me. How hard my parents worked to provide for us. Then the boxes when my dad became disabled and i shoved things away so they wouldn’t remind me of him back then and now everything from my past is in a dusty box.

Please don’t feel sorry for me or pity me. I’m just keeping it real. Sharing feelings that maybe one other person feels so that don’t feel alone. My girlfriend had to get back to Austin so we left with most of the work done. Since I didn’t get home very often I stopped by my parents graves. One grave is where my life changed with forgiving my dad and the other was my mom who I still think is coming back. I just stood there looking at the grass on one and the dirt on the other. I couldn’t muster anything to say so I just told them both I loved them and drove off. I then drove to my old home. We sold it 2 years ago and I pulled up it was over grown the house was in complete mess. I drove around the property got out and smelled the air. It felt familiar  and also something I missed. I drove up to the end of the driveway  got out and looked backed and for the first time I realized that I’m actually getting older. I’m the leader of the Wood family, my past isn’t coming back and now that all my past is some grass, dirt and dusty boxes.  I shed my first tear for the day. Took a deep breath , got back in the car and said goodbye. Still not sure who heard it or who I was saying it to but life became more real  at that moment. The journey never ends!! Thank you God!








iksperimentalist

a collision of science and comedy

This is My Story, This is My Song.

This is my journey with faith, love, acceptance, redemption through God's incredible grace and mercy!

Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective

I cheated. Yip I did it, I am not proud of it, but that won't change a thing. This is my story of me trying to survive one day at a time. No guarantees....

Sound of Silence

There is a better place than this silence

The Time Lock

photos by amsang

simple Ula

I want to be rich. Rich in love, rich in health, rich in laughter, rich in adventure and rich in knowledge. You?

%d bloggers like this: