Day 1615 Lets get naked

6 08 2017

First I want to thank you all for reading this blog. It’s so cool that people all over the world can read this. Looking at all the countries I wonder if I weird in foreign countries too.

Second I get a lot what does the day in your title mean. Well in this case 1615 days ago I started a car trip to Virginia by myself. to see one of my closet friends. I prayed and promised myself that my life would change for the better starting that day and would never be the same. So here we are 1615 days later. Its been one hell of a roller coaster but its been a blast.

I hope the title got you to read! I have been the physical naked more times that you want to hear. It was the only way I knew to love for the longest time or feel I was important. I hurt so many women over the years. It wasn’t purposeful just thought being naked meant I was enough. So shirt off,pants off and you liked me.

I hope for most of us with age comes wisdom, if not you hit your rock bottom and I promise you get wiser or you get buried.  I learned that not only does my value not coming from being physically naked but you want someone to love, like, or respect you: LETS GET REALLY NAKED. I hate small talk every bit of it, I could care less what’s up! I’m going to give or get a generic answer anyway so why I ask. The naked I want is the soul bearing, tear filled, biggest smile type of naked, clothes on or off I don’t care. I want to talk about: death, aliens, birthdays cake, what makes you cry, why you became insecure, why you fake it, music, the meaning of life,  the lies you live, your favorite smells, the quirks that nobody knows because you feel you’ll be judged, your childhood, your first crush, why you watch the ceiling fan spin at night, why does asparagus make your pee smell so bad, why you don’t like peanuts but love peanut butter. I want to know your emotions, what your depth is. Why you’re twisted.  I learned not to judge but question. When you know someone who is  feeling that,  that feeling only comes from God. if you know me and say you’re the weirdest person I know but I love your soul. Mission accomplished!

Don’t get me wrong I love the physical naked but learning what it takes to be real makes relationships powerful. I know you can’t get naked with everyone because most wont get it and that’s okay. So to me from you let’s get naked. Real is exposing your soul and not giving a damn! I’m ready for the real naked time!!

Thanks for reading

 

Advertisements




Day 1103 Depression medication? OMG Help me

8 02 2016

Thought I might get a blog in before the Superbowl starts. I wish I truly gave a crap about who won but I don’t. I’m ready for the commercials though. We had another Rock Bottom Outreach Sleeping bag handout yesterday. I love those events because yes we are helping others but I believe we get more out of it. I took my babies with me so one that get to see real life but also its good for them to do others. I got this amazing pic taken with them too makes my heart happy.

my family

If you have read my blog you know I have struggled with depression and it comes from about 3 generations back on both sides. I had been off of medication for about 2 years and then in October life started creeping in on me. I really struggled because I was so mad that I couldn’t control my feelings. I had anger, sadness, despair. I also had days where I was so happy and excited but the bad days out weighed the correct thoughts. I know depression is a chemical imbalance not that you’re weak or have problems being strong. Its something you can’t handle. With at one point going to commit suicide I decided I better get back on medication. I got on Lexipro and in about 4 days I felt so much better and after two weeks I didn’t feel much of anything. There were no lows but also no highs. I could have been on fire and all I would have thought is I should put that out (said in Ben Stein’s voice). I didn’t get angry, passionate sad, depressed, lovey, or anything. I was okay with it because nothing was bad but I like to have feelings. I like to experience life and I was walking in it but I was numb. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on and that’s not me.  Then came December 29th and my mom died. I was super sad but I was calm to calm for me. I thought maybe it was because my walk with God or just I had grown up.  3 weeks into this I had only cried 4 times. I thought about her all the time but I was just here in a black hole of nothing. I didn’t want to be just here I wanted to feel and feel deep. I knew though that if I got off it I would be in big trouble. I couldn’t have this hit me all at once. So Last Monday I called my Dr and asked if I could half my dosage. She said yes and knows me well so I did it. I started really feeling different yesterday. Feelings that I haven’t felt in 3 months came on. I thought, grieved, laughed and cried yesterday. Today I actually felt and heard the message at church. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I felt love for my kids I hadn’t had in a while. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had thoughts about my mom that I hadn’t in years. On the 11th of this month my dad will be gone for 11 years and I thought about what my parents were doing in heaven. Mostly I thought about where my life was and was I good enough.

It may not sound like it but I need to feel, I need to live, I need to experience this journey that I didn’t expect to happen. I believe many people and I know a few that feel the same way I do. They hate not feeling and they got off  the depression medicine. I can’t tell you what to do but know if you need medicine get on it and stay on it, but work your rear off while your on it to better yourself and let it be something that is not a mainstay. Don’t live on it because this world is meant to be lived not numbed. I’m not sure what the next few weeks bring but I’m thankful to feel whatever the heck normal is again.





Day 1103 Depression medication? OMG Help me

7 02 2016

Thought I might get a blog in before the Superbowl starts. I wish I truly gave a crap about who won but I don’t. I’m ready for the commercials though. We had another Rock Bottom Outreach Sleeping bag handout yesterday. I love those events because yes we are helping others but I believe we get more out of it. I took my babies with me so one that get to see real life but also its good for them to do others. I got this amazing pic taken with them too makes my heart happy.

my family

If you have read my blog you know I have struggled with depression and it comes from about 3 generations back on both sides. I had been off of medication for about 2 years and then in October life started creeping in on me. I really struggled because I was so mad that I couldn’t control my feelings. I had anger, sadness, despair. I also had days where I was so happy and excited but the bad days out weighed the correct thoughts. I know depression is a chemical imbalance not that you’re weak or have problems being strong. Its something you can’t handle. With at one point going to commit suicide I decided I better get back on medication. I got on Lexipro and in about 4 days I felt so much better and after two weeks I didn’t feel much of anything. There were no lows but also no highs. I could have been on fire and all I would have thought is I should put that out (said in Ben Stein’s voice). I didn’t get angry, passionate sad, depressed, lovey, or anything. I was okay with it because nothing was bad but I like to have feelings. I like to experience life and I was walking in it but I was numb. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on and that’s not me.  Then came December 29th and my mom died. I was super sad but I was calm to calm for me. I thought maybe it was because my walk with God or just I had grown up.  3 weeks into this I had only cried 4 times. I thought about her all the time but I was just here in a black hole of nothing. I didn’t want to be just here I wanted to feel and feel deep. I knew though that if I got off it I would be in big trouble. I couldn’t have this hit me all at once. So Last Monday I called my Dr and asked if I could half my dosage. She said yes and knows me well so I did it. I started really feeling different yesterday. Feelings that I haven’t felt in 3 months came on. I thought, grieved, laughed and cried yesterday. Today I actually felt and heard the message at church. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I felt love for my kids I hadn’t had in a while. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had thoughts about my mom that I hadn’t in years. On the 11th of this month my dad will be gone for 11 years and I thought about what my parents were doing in heaven. Mostly I thought about where my life was and was I good enough.

It may not sound like it but I need to feel, I need to live, I need to experience this journey that I didn’t expect to happen. I believe many people and I know a few that feel the same way I do. They hate not feeling and they got off  the depression medicine. I can’t tell you what to do but know if you need medicine get on it and stay on it, but work your rear off while your on it to better yourself and let it be something that is not a mainstay. Don’t live on it because this world is meant to be lived not numbed. I’m not sure what the next few weeks bring but I’m thankful to feel whatever the heck normal is again.





Day 782 Would you like to continue reading this blog!

18 03 2015

I have and do truly enjoy writing my blog. I appreciate over the past 2.7 years all the comments and people I have met through this blog. I started writing for me and only me. It was my therapy when nothing else made sense. In that time I got to see I wasn’t alone, rock bottom was okay, and there are people that hurt as bad as me and worse. I ve had people turn there back on me, love me more, cry with me, criticize me, laugh at me and it has all been worth it. I wouldn’t take back any of it. I will always blog because it still helps me. The blog and my life isn’t about me though its about helping others just if anything to feel they’re not alone. I can always set the blog to private and let those closest to me read it.

My question is do you want to continue reading it. Please Im not not looking for praise or oh your so great. What I want to know does it still touch you and speak to you. based on the response I get I will make my decision. In turn if people want to continue reading it I m going to write more of what I TRULY feel and also let you see my funny side. I’m not always serious and I want people to see that side of me too.  I promise though to keep my spelling and grammar terrible just to irritate those grammar and spelling NAZI’s So its up to you! I appreciate any feedback  positive or negative.





Day 466 Honesty is the liar

21 04 2014

This past week was my toughest as a single parent yet. My daughter had surgery and went from Miss independent to totally needy. I dealt with a roller coaster of emotions with her having the surgery, was I doing a good enough job taking care of her, what I still being a good daddy to my son and still doing all the things you have to do. My half-sister then became very sick and they had to sedate her and put her on a ventilator. Honestly I know I’m whining and sound but I really don’t care if you think that  because it was just a struggle. I think I handle it okay on the outside but inside it hurt pretty bad. To top it off I have realized that if you’re not getting one of your love language filled your going to be out of sorts. Mine is physical touch and quality time. Its been 3 years and I can tell I need it. This week would have been great to be able to just sit down with someone on the couch and hold their hand and have them listen to me or say nothing and just be content. Oh well its a new week so back to be awesome!!! lol

If you know me I’m blatantly honest sometimes I have been told to honest. That maybe one of the dumbest things I have ever heard but I have. The past two weeks I have these things. Please be honest with me no matter how bad it hurts. Okay are you sure? Then I tell them and I get I didn’t think you would do it and that really hurt.  Or another: You should never be that honest with someone it only causes problems. Another: Don’t you know people can’t handle the truth so just tell them what makes them feel better. Or my favorite of this week: You made the mistake you don’t have to make it worse by telling the truth.

Yes all of those are true. I’m not saying everyone but society has a whole has got so used to lying that honesty is actually the liar. People would rather be lied to that actually hear the truth. Have you ever noticed that when people catch someone in a lie they say well that’s just who they are, but if you tell the truth they are actually mad and say can you believe the nerve of that asshole. We lie to ourselves so much that we begin to believe it so why should we let someone else tell us the truth. This is a problem that you can see everywhere you go and almost every situation you’re in.  We have accepted lying as the correct behavior. Even though we say always tell the truth and be honest with me that’s not what people want to hear. My response to them is please tell me the last time being honest was wrong. Just because it hurts doesn’t make it wrong it makes it what you need to hear. If you cry or get pissed maybe that’s what you need so you can correct  whatever it is that’s ailing you. Yes how you put something should be thought of too, and the truth hurts, but the truth can always set you free. If you tell someone the truth and they don’t want to have anything to do with you so what. Move on if not your going to have the hell to pay now or later.

If you want me to instantly shove you aside lie to me. If I did something wrong, I pissed you off, I hurt your feelings, I was rude. Please tell me how I react to it is my problem not yours. I’m not perfect but I can’t fix something if I don’t know about it. I appreciate honesty and yes it does hurt. If you lie to me I lose respect for you and will not have you in my life. I can find plenty of liars what I need are those people who care enough about me to be real. Being real allows relationships to grow and bonds to be cemented. Why do we teach our kids not to lie but as adults we will do it without thinking about. If honesty is a liar take a deep look at your relationships and see why they struggle. I bet you know the answer now.





Day 466 Honesty is the liar

20 04 2014

This past week was my toughest as a single parent yet. My daughter had surgery and went from Miss independent to totally needy. I dealt with a roller coaster of emotions with her having the surgery, was I doing a good enough job taking care of her, what I still being a good daddy to my son and still doing all the things you have to do. My half-sister then became very sick and they had to sedate her and put her on a ventilator. Honestly I know I’m whining and sound but I really don’t care if you think that  because it was just a struggle. I think I handle it okay on the outside but inside it hurt pretty bad. To top it off I have realized that if you’re not getting one of your love language filled your going to be out of sorts. Mine is physical touch and quality time. Its been 3 years and I can tell I need it. This week would have been great to be able to just sit down with someone on the couch and hold their hand and have them listen to me or say nothing and just be content. Oh well its a new week so back to be awesome!!! lol

If you know me I’m blatantly honest sometimes I have been told to honest. That maybe one of the dumbest things I have ever heard but I have. The past two weeks I have these things. Please be honest with me no matter how bad it hurts. Okay are you sure? Then I tell them and I get I didn’t think you would do it and that really hurt.  Or another: You should never be that honest with someone it only causes problems. Another: Don’t you know people can’t handle the truth so just tell them what makes them feel better. Or my favorite of this week: You made the mistake you don’t have to make it worse by telling the truth.

Yes all of those are true. I’m not saying everyone but society has a whole has got so used to lying that honesty is actually the liar. People would rather be lied to that actually hear the truth. Have you ever noticed that when people catch someone in a lie they say well that’s just who they are, but if you tell the truth they are actually mad and say can you believe the nerve of that asshole. We lie to ourselves so much that we begin to believe it so why should we let someone else tell us the truth. This is a problem that you can see everywhere you go and almost every situation you’re in.  We have accepted lying as the correct behavior. Even though we say always tell the truth and be honest with me that’s not what people want to hear. My response to them is please tell me the last time being honest was wrong. Just because it hurts doesn’t make it wrong it makes it what you need to hear. If you cry or get pissed maybe that’s what you need so you can correct  whatever it is that’s ailing you. Yes how you put something should be thought of too, and the truth hurts, but the truth can always set you free. If you tell someone the truth and they don’t want to have anything to do with you so what. Move on if not your going to have the hell to pay now or later.

If you want me to instantly shove you aside lie to me. If I did something wrong, I pissed you off, I hurt your feelings, I was rude. Please tell me how I react to it is my problem not yours. I’m not perfect but I can’t fix something if I don’t know about it. I appreciate honesty and yes it does hurt. If you lie to me I lose respect for you and will not have you in my life. I can find plenty of liars what I need are those people who care enough about me to be real. Being real allows relationships to grow and bonds to be cemented. Why do we teach our kids not to lie but as adults we will do it without thinking about. If honesty is a liar take a deep look at your relationships and see why they struggle. I bet you know the answer now.





Day 11 Feelings and Smells

13 01 2013

A great weekend so far.  Marriage does a lot of things great and some not so good. It can cause you to lose touch with people who one day you wake up and never understand why. My friend Scott is in from Austin this. HE was my first college roommate and probably one of the closest people like me in my life. ( It’s not that bad) He has been there for many of the best and worst in my life. HE also was the only person who told me that he didn’t like the blonde or my ex and why. That’s what true friends do that tell what you don’t want to hear when you don’t want to hear it. The amazing thing is that I ve only seen him 3 times in 6 years and when we get together we don’t miss a beat. We are both different in much better ways. We have both been divorced and both enjoy being fathers. We can still raise hell if need be and then take the world on if need be.

I enjoy his friendship and the world is right when we are hanging out so this leads me to feelings and smells in your life. Like I said when Scott and I are hanging together I feel, peace and comfort which takes me back to that part of my life. When I smelled my dad’s Marlboro cigarette on Saturday mornings I knew it was time to get up and get ready to go to one of my sporting events. If I smelled bacon and eggs it was Sunday morning and we were all going to sit around the table and eat breakfast together. If I smell fresh-cut  wet grass I think of Two a days and want   to start throwing up right then. So we all have something that takes us back to a time in our lives good or bad. All 14 years I was married I only took my wedding band off to shower or lift weights. I sometimes take my thumb and rub it on my ring finger and I remember what I did wrong and why I m divorced. I can feel my mom’s hands and remember how hard her life has been, I see someone wearing oxygen on their nose and remember my dad’s last days. I can smell gun powder and remember the only time my dad and I went hunting.

So why do I bring it up. There are things in life that no matter how bad we want to remember or forget they will always stick with us. There all lessons and memories we should embrace. There will be that moment where you will be like what was that I know that feeling and smell and I hope you remember that’s a part of you that got you here today.








FAUZI PRESIDENT HAMIKU

Invite Rizky FAUZI as Speaker - 08986800220 (Chat WA) | SUPPORT HAMIKU SUCCESS with SHARE IT | Setelah DIBACA timbal baliknya harus di-SHARE soalnya gak gratis... - RIZKY FAUZI

iksperimentalist

a collision of science and comedy

Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective

I cheated. Yip I did it, I am not proud of it, but that won't change a thing. This is my story of me trying to survive one day at a time. No guarantees....

Sound of Silence

There is a better place than this silence

The Time Lock

photos by amsang

simple Ula

I want to be rich. Rich in love, rich in health, rich in laughter, rich in adventure and rich in knowledge. You?

%d bloggers like this: