Day 8 Ghost

10 01 2013

Okay the Insanity workout is a SOB. I m not going to be able to walk tomorrow but ti’s worth it. If you want a change of pace (I mean a real change of pace try it). My babies go back tot heir moms tomorrow which I always hate but I m glad that get to be with their mom. Today my son told me to just call if I got lonely or scared. My 4-year-old made my day.

Today at QT there was a lady who she was either having her day off or unemployed because she was in vacation mode. Why do I say that because she wasn’t wearing a bra and her freaking boobs went down to her belly button. That’s just wrong and gross. Nobody likes that at all. I m sure some gross man who has tobacco stains on his wife beater maybe but I threw up in my mouth just a bit. If your hot I will give you a pass but this lady wouldn’t know hot if she fell in lava. I know that was an asshole statement but please wear a bra. If my kids would have been their and I would had to explain and I wouldn’t have known what to say.

One of my closet friends and first roommate in college is coming up from Austin this weekend. We lived a lot of life together so I could tell you and some I can’t. He’s one of the one’s that I was to busy for while I was married and I promised myself and those close to me that I would correct that mistake this year and so far so good.

Had my first counseling appt of 2013 today. It was great as always but as usual I cried. I m still working on healing wounds but it was good to feel like the past is actually becoming just that. Brian (counselor and friend) talk about so many different things in our hour together and I never know which one affects me the most. Overcoming my fear and loneliness is probably what I struggle with the most. It’s not the loneliness you might think just sometimes feeling like a ghost no matter where you go. Like the movies that your there but someone could put their hand right through you and they would never know. I understand trying to medicate to fill that void but I guess since I haven’t poured myself into somebody else or drank, dope, or sex I m still left to dealing with the hard way but the best way I was told. Today both of us teared up over some past issues and man I was a total piece of shit. I know I have apologized but if you don’t read this I’m truly sorry if I treated you like crap. The great thing is I m try to be someone’s Advil and for the first time in years I m truly taking away people’s pain.

Day 31 Day 400

21 09 2012

Im sure you all want to know what day 400 means and I will tell you in a bit.  I m exhausted. It has been once crazy emotional week.  I had three people tell me that a free gift doesn’t make sense at all I wrote about a free gift last night.. Well think about it name the last time someone gave you a gift that you didn’t feel you didn’t need to return the favor. When we get a gift its never free because we feel we owe something in return. Last night all I said was You will have more intimate details about me than any man you have ever been with. I could hide but what good does that do. If I tell you the truth and you can’t handle it then its not about me its about you. So take off the damn mask. If someone chooses not to like you then you just got a  free gift. I promise that is a free gift.

Day 400 means I have been 400 days without sex. Yes that’s right. I made a pledge and a damn hard one until I find the one I will love again. I have come close to slipping up but not yet. I prayed a different prayer that I m not able to write about yet but if you know me then you know what I m trying to do. Sex and making a soul tie with someone may be the hardest thing to get forgiveness for or forgive yourself. I learned that if I wanted sex I could get very easily but its not about that. I want a connection with a person before I give myself up. She will appreciate me a lot more from that. Men are supposed to be a protector. If I can’t protect you from me how can I truly protect you from someone else.

My kids go to there moms tomorrow man those days suck. I hate being a single parent but I wouldn’t give them up for anything. Last night I was doing stomach crunches and my son came up and kicked the poop out of me. He looked at me and said forget about it. I miss all those moments.

Taking the kids to school today I got a beautiful pic of the sun rising. I usually don’t notice but today I did and I m so thankful for my life.

I m not going to write as much as I normally do but if I can I will leave you with this.

From Mitch Albom(Tuesday with Morrie, the 5 People you meet in Heaven and For one more Day)

If you had the chance, just one chance, to go back and fix what you did wrong in life, would you take it. And if you did, would you be big enough to stand it.

Day 22 Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is love

12 09 2012

Day 22 Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is love

via Day 22 Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is love.

Day 22 Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is love

12 09 2012

Had an amazing night doing an Ambit presentation. Thank you to Kim, Maria, Laura and my sister for coming out. Actually got to sit down and do 5 hours of work in Starbucks today. That is a great people watching spot. People are really serious about their coffee. I had a lady sit next to me today that I swear passed gas for an hour. She wanted to blame it on me I m sure but I didn’t do it I finally caught her raise up a bit and said that’s ridiculous. That’s funny she was so embarrassed she left. If I did I would have at least said excuse me. Its okay to laugh because if your 80 farts are still funny.  Okay moving on now!

The relationship class last night was different. We had worship for an hour and then met afterwards. The actual classes start next week. Its good to be in an environment where people are nearly has said and on the verge of tears. knowing that there is real hope was very encouraging. A great group of people and some that intrigue me a bit. Ha ha

I ve been writing my life rules I want to follow if you have been reading this blog long Rule 6

“There” is nothing better than “here.” I always wanted to be there and was never happy in my here. Talking the good times of the past rather making good times now. Many of us believe once I get this goal, a promotion, more money, a better spouse, etc.. then I will be happy. Once we get that goal then we look for some other for of happiness and we never obtained it yet. If all we do is long for something else then guess what  we never get.If you skip over now hoping  in to get the next “There” we miss the feelings and emotions of the present moment. Best example is our kids. Our biggest human challenge is not to look past our now. Its hard though because we have dreams, goals and aspirations and these drive us, but those same things can pull us away from our enjoyment of now.

Gratitude: When you stop comparing what is right here and now with what you wish were you can begin to enjoy what is. Cheri Huber

Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is love. LOVE IS NOT A FEELING BUT A DECISION. I am so sick of hearing well I don’t love him or her or I just don’t feel love for that anymore. Love is not a feeling its a decision. The hardest one you will ever make. You either do or don’t. There are days I m sure you don’t feel it but you still make the decision to do so. If love was easy there would be no divorce. So keep trying to make a love a feeling and you will wind up by yourself, with not but your feeling. Make the decision to love no matter what. The feeling of fighting your ass off to love someone is a hell of a lot better than knowing you gave up.


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