Day 1891 Please don’t kill yourself

13 08 2018

Meet the teacher tonight. I have a jr. in high school and a 4th grader. My Lord time is passing faster and faster everyday as I get older.  Here’s to a great year for all of you!

I was sent a video today by one of my friends. It’s by Clayton Jennings called Stop, Please don’t kill yourself. Theres a tad of irony in that fact that is the month 7 years ago that I was ready to go. The noise in my head was loud, the pain that I felt in every step, in every fake situation I played up. I told goodbye in my silence knowing I wouldn’t see them again even though they had no clue this was the last time they would see me.

Depression was like a bag of Oreos for me. I could eat line after line with no thought. I could only think of the skin i was saving, the people who could breathe easier knowing that I wasn’t there. My kids that didn’t need this broken, failure of a man. I cried more those 2 weeks before the day came. Tears of joy for others and tears that I couldn’t believe the failure I allowed, the brokenness that started as I came out of the womb. I remember a primal scream  I let out in my car that I’m surprised didn’t shatter my windows. Suicide was my only way!

If I could tell you anything I would tell you its a season of life. Your damn right it hurts, probably the worst feeling you have ever had. If you choose to walk with the devil you will hold his hand. His whispers are loud and believable but you ave to yell out I mean really yell out tell the devil to leave you. You want to talk about courage fight the devil when he is partying in your head. That is courage but you cant do it alone! I believe in God! He never said it was going to be easy. I thought being a Christian was supposed to be easy but when I didn’t understand I blamed God and said you fix it or I end it.

God rose up and he grabbed my hand and said I know you ready so come on. I fought some days and others I just gave in because I was tired not physically but in life. So I stood up but if you believe this is easy you are delusional. You see what I allow you to see, you don’t see this heart or these tears. I spend a lot of time by myself. I do know if I dance with the devil i lose. So I beg you just today stand up. don’t worry about tomorrow. Deep inside your soul the best is there. You just forgot it. reach out, ask for someone to just hold you, ask them to just shut up and listen.

I’ve never known one person that took their life that made this world a better place. You were wanted, needed and so missed. God will see you through it. It might be  category 6 hurricane in your life but please don’t take your life. I love you even if I dont know you. I never want one person to sit in their car on a hill yelling, crying with snot bubbles praying that this death goes slow because thats what I deserved. so I’m here!

Stop please don’t kill yourself!

 

 

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