Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.

 

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Day 607 The other 183 days

25 09 2014

After a two-hour trip walking around Wal-Mart the other night I can say that you can see everything and your wildest or scariest dreams can come true there. Okay maybe nightmares but it is amazing what people wear, what they talk about and how rude people can be to one other. If you have never been to peopleofwalmart.com I highly recommend it.

I’ve wrote about this before and sometimes it rears its ugly head. I have joint custody of my two kids 7 days on and 7 days off. Roughly its 183 days out of the year give or take. I feel almost magical when I have them. Yes it is hard and there are never enough hours in a day to get everything done. Some days I don’t appreciate my kids the way I should, but I try so damn hard. Every child needs the other parent as bad as the other. How parents try to control and manipulate a situation to keep the other parent away if they are fit and able is just mind-boggling to me. Saying that I fought for my kids to make sure we had joint custody.  I didn’t want my divorce but sometimes you make your bed and you have to lay in it. One of the hardest things and most difficult things is the pain we have caused our kids. If  you have never been divorced I know your heart is in the right place but save me how you understand because you don’t. We have done our best to make co-parenting work  its and for the most part we have. Doesn’t mean that we agree on everything, or see things the same a lot of the times but we are trying. Which is better than most relationships, but then there’s the other 183 days

I get a good morning call from my daughter and sometimes my son. I get a goodnight call from both. My world stops when I get those phone calls. To hear their voice is all I got and I promise on those days its enough. You have no idea how much your children can grow up in 7 days. The voice, their vocabulary, their jokes, smiles and outlook on life. How quick their fingernails grow, their hair or you notice your children s skin, or how they smell. I will go in their room and smell their pillows when their gone just so I can have some peace. I never signed up to be part-time dad, but I had my share in the failure or my marriage so I make the best of it.

My days without are filled with work, but also Im discovering me. I forgot who I was, what made me happy, what made me laugh, what my purpose was. So I spend my 183 days doing that. I have some stories for my kids because they always want to know what I did and did I have fun. I have done things without them here that I couldn’t if they were here. Mostly I think of ways to be a better daddy and how to prepare them for the good and bad in life. I work on being an example they would be proud of and a man that both can point to later in life and say my dad is what every man should strive to believe in.  I can’t tell you though the silence, loneliness, the hurt that comes with the other 183 days but its there. What I have learned is that I can either choose to sulk and whine about it or try to make it something good. Sure I struggle but Im finally learning to to be thankful for the pitfalls.

So why do I write this today. Im struggling this week with missing my kids, but I want to offer hope to any parent male or female. If your marriage is going down a path of destruction stop right now and start making it right. If you don’t you will be where Iam at. If you get here though you can take the lemons and make lemonade or take them the lemons and make orange juice. I prefer orange juice so that’s what I do.





Day 607 The other 183 days

24 09 2014

After a two-hour trip walking around Wal-Mart the other night I can say that you can see everything and your wildest or scariest dreams can come true there. Okay maybe nightmares but it is amazing what people wear, what they talk about and how rude people can be to one other. If you have never been to peopleofwalmart.com I highly recommend it.

I’ve wrote about this before and sometimes it rears its ugly head. I have joint custody of my two kids 7 days on and 7 days off. Roughly its 183 days out of the year give or take. I feel almost magical when I have them. Yes it is hard and there are never enough hours in a day to get everything done. Some days I don’t appreciate my kids the way I should, but I try so damn hard. Every child needs the other parent as bad as the other. How parents try to control and manipulate a situation to keep the other parent away if they are fit and able is just mind-boggling to me. Saying that I fought for my kids to make sure we had joint custody.  I didn’t want my divorce but sometimes you make your bed and you have to lay in it. One of the hardest things and most difficult things is the pain we have caused our kids. If  you have never been divorced I know your heart is in the right place but save me how you understand because you don’t. We have done our best to make co-parenting work  its and for the most part we have. Doesn’t mean that we agree on everything, or see things the same a lot of the times but we are trying. Which is better than most relationships, but then there’s the other 183 days

I get a good morning call from my daughter and sometimes my son. I get a goodnight call from both. My world stops when I get those phone calls. To hear their voice is all I got and I promise on those days its enough. You have no idea how much your children can grow up in 7 days. The voice, their vocabulary, their jokes, smiles and outlook on life. How quick their fingernails grow, their hair or you notice your children s skin, or how they smell. I will go in their room and smell their pillows when their gone just so I can have some peace. I never signed up to be part-time dad, but I had my share in the failure or my marriage so I make the best of it.

My days without are filled with work, but also Im discovering me. I forgot who I was, what made me happy, what made me laugh, what my purpose was. So I spend my 183 days doing that. I have some stories for my kids because they always want to know what I did and did I have fun. I have done things without them here that I couldn’t if they were here. Mostly I think of ways to be a better daddy and how to prepare them for the good and bad in life. I work on being an example they would be proud of and a man that both can point to later in life and say my dad is what every man should strive to believe in.  I can’t tell you though the silence, loneliness, the hurt that comes with the other 183 days but its there. What I have learned is that I can either choose to sulk and whine about it or try to make it something good. Sure I struggle but Im finally learning to to be thankful for the pitfalls.

So why do I write this today. Im struggling this week with missing my kids, but I want to offer hope to any parent male or female. If your marriage is going down a path of destruction stop right now and start making it right. If you don’t you will be where Iam at. If you get here though you can take the lemons and make lemonade or take them the lemons and make orange juice. I prefer orange juice so that’s what I do.








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