Day 1555 My heart broke but it was about time

28 05 2017

Hello world is it me you’re looking for. Yes Lionel Richie on this Sunday because he was cool and I bond with him.  I have no thing more cool to say so on to the blog.

Have you ever seen or heard of a levee or damn that was about to break or needed to. Yes they need to break  because the only way to fix something is to watch it break open not  patch it. When it breaks open the destruction of many attempted patches and piece mealing is bad but it’s a necessary evil.  it may take years but eventually all things need to be released and new built.

It the past 2.5 years I’ve had 13 people die either who I ministered to, were an important part of my life or the worst one was my mom.  I also lost a relationship that I thought was going to be a marriage, and a few other things I’ll leave alone. You can get pretty jaded to the world and numb. Grief affects everyone differently. It could take years, to start the process, it could start immediately but first and foremost its going to happen. Nobody knows how to deal with their own grief much less yours. So they say something cliché because they are at a loss for words. The intentions are the best but they say they understand even when that can’t. So most people going through grief smile, say thank you and then live in their own personal internal hell when nobody else is around. Men are raised to be tough, hide your emotions, nose to the grind stone even when you know better you still try to be tough. For me I hate others to hurt, I would do anything to take away someone else’s pain even disguise mine like I am okay. Well…..

3 weeks ago after essentially 2.5 of years of pretending to be okay, numb, zombie like some days, angry others that I couldn’t save people or that how dare God take my mom. I smiled but didn’t feel the smile. Some days I hurt like a pain that wouldn’t go away, I would sit in the quite of my house and watch the ceiling fan spin with nothing in my mind, and other times 1000 thoughts every 30 seconds. People would ask, How are you? I would give I’m good, Im fine. What I wanted was someone to hold me, take a high-powered vacuum and suck my heart dry so I could start over but they don’t make that vacuum. I would talk to God, feel good some days others not so much. I would ask him to let me feel again. I know healing and grief is a process no matter how big or small the issue.

So 3 weeks ago I was mowing the yard, listening to music and I was like my God what is going on. I promise I was so weak I let go of the mower and hit my knees but not on purpose. My broken heart, for all the pain of life that either I tried to grieve or hadn’t,poured out on my lawn. I sat down on my butt and cried,  those tears that you wondering is this going to stop. I had so many thoughts cross my mind like those Hollywood moments where pictures flash  thorough so fast its blinding. It started the end of grieving had started. everything I hid, pushed aside, fought at or said wasn’t real spilled onto my shirt.  3 weeks I’ve cried everyday until yesterday. I feel relief but you can not grieve for 2.5 years and expect it to just go away. My heart that had been so broken for so many reasons has started the stitching and my healing is real. With that I hope I can start seeing some of the good things about myself that I miss because of the butt whoop in I put on myself.

Why write this blog: Somebody knows exactly what I feel or felt. They’ve been waiting for years or just moments to start grieving. God didn’t want us to carry this burden but he also knows we have to go through the process to heal not just band-aid the situation. Dont fight the process, it will come, in the mean time a lot can leave your life. When the heart starts breaking let the cut open and let that crap I know for me it was time.

Love you and tank you for reading always





Day 1514 I Hope for 25 years

16 04 2017

Happy Easter! An amazing day especially knowing about he resurrection. As today cam  and watching a case for Christ this week. There is no doubt Jesus died on the cross and came back 3 days later.
Even the most died hard who doesn’t believe respects the fact he rose.
I think I’m tough , I’ve taken some beatings but the physical annihilation of one’s body and ultimate suffocation on a cross is something I can’t fathom.
That happened for me! For my sorry butt. It happened for you. So he could watch us commit sin after sin, but love us enough to forgive us and allow us to continue to walk this earth.
I actually will tear up tomorrow. I don’t know how to love that much. When I tried to take my life every horrible thing I said to Jesus and he allowed me to stay. He gave me another chance.
Starting tomorrow the greatest miracle ever starts. It’s not about dumb, fake green grass, a basket, Cadbury eggs ( which I love),
It’s about a man who bleed to death but still had the words to say forgive them for they don’t know what they do.
That’s my Jesus.  I know that he loves me and I will celebrate him, today and in the storm. I love you Jesus.

AS I sat in Easter service last night a couple to my right caught my eye. I knew they were in their 60s A point was made she would squeeze his leg, he would nod, at one point he reached over to kiss her. I teared up. I wondered how much life they had lived, how many Easters had they sat in service, how many fights had they had, how many horrible things have they said to each other. Then I thought how many times have they said I love you, how they dealt with the death of their parents, the amazing things of their children, the moments that they took the others one breath away. when the moments happened that the other one was there,  when they sat in a room and were the most content ever without ever saying a word. They had those days where they hated the other one, wish that they weren’t together. Or those moments were the other person thought they looked their worst they closed their eyes and thanked God that they belonged to them.

I was longing for sure. I was married for 14 years. engaged for a bit. I always wanted that 25 years with someone. That I could look at them  and say I spent more of my life with you and I wouldn’t change it.  That you have tears running down your eyes because you know God kept you together. She could have quit but stayed. Funds were low and debts were high and she just sighed. When you didn’t understand menopause but kept saying I love you. When nothing felt more right than holding her hand on a walk, or in the movies and knowing that you did something for her that nobody else knows just you two.

So service was over I tapped the man on the shoulder. I know weird question but how long have you been married. 31 years he said. I said thank you. I was watching I’ve always wanted what you have. She looked at me and said we’ve never heard that but its been the best 31 years of my life. Neither quit, never stopped loving, We all know the hell of relationships and 31 years later.

I envy those people and anyone else who fought and didn’t quit. Even when everything said too. The best 31 years of my life. I think and pray for that. I had always hoped for 25 years. Now I’m further along in life it could happen. No matter what happens I believe in true, never quit love. Society says no. I believe in hopeless romantics, love everlasting, a hug that lasts for minutes and the world stops, a piece of paper saying you have a nice butt still, I still hope for my 25 years. In the meantime I’ll continue watching and asking those that do it to fill my hope tank.

Happy Easter and Love you





Day 1302 A BUT makes you a BUTT

8 09 2016

I miss writing so often but when the day ends there is not enough time or energy. I’m trying to make it a point to get back and blog. my mind needs the writers release. Even if nobody reads it, I still need it if that makes sense.

I have always defended myself even when it wasn’t necessary. I still do now because I still forget that I am worthy and I’m enough. That if I’m wrong I’m not that little boy who didn’t have his dad to guide my way so I had to be right or I was going to always make mistakes. I like to be right and who doesn’t but that’s an excuse. We were made not to be perfect but I keep thinking i have to always be perfect and if not I’ll argue with you until I am. The past 6 months have been filled with as many changes in my life than any other time. I’m trying to always be better but!!!! That word gets me always because I might agree with you but I need you to hear my side so you know that I’m okay. So Im still insecure, frightened, unsure, changing ball of a mess. I listen to God and then I stop listening and when I stop listening welcome to Tyler Wood and his interchanging “Buts”

Have you ever went and listened to yourself when you try to defend yourself. It sounds so stupid and when you’re having a good day you step back and say what in the hell did I do that for. What did it matter if I was right or wrong. I didn’t hear the other person, I probably hurt them and I didn’t listen to anything they said. All because Im so insecure, feel unloved, unattached from anyone or anything that I just need to be heard.

I was in an argument with my fiance and we were both wrong but God forbid if I actually shut up and not have to be the heavyweight champion of arguing. So I got the title that night and I hurt her feelings and made her feel that what she had to say wasn’t important. As soon as I said But i should have stopped because the moment I kept going I became a BUTT!

Im always a work in progress like we all are but if I have to  be the champion of But I will become the champion of the BUTTS too and I really don’t need another crappy crown.

We don’t always have to be right even when we are right. The BUT stops here. I hope it can stop with you too!





Day 1257 Im engaged

22 07 2016

4 years ago I walked out of the courthouse in Denton Texas and with my divorce paperwork in hand said this was it. Never did I want to be married or be in love again. It hurt too much. Everything I knew and believed about relationships and women was flushed away with the gavel hitting the stand.  I was in the process of rebuilding me but that part I just didn’t want a part of. I went 6 months of dating nobody as I worked on repairing my bitterness, anger and the stitching back my heart. I started dating and hated it. I would meet a nice girl then get afraid and run like a kid playing hide and go seek at school. When I started believing in myself more I started to believe that maybe my goal was just to be a daddy, work and enjoy be single. I had done online dating, meeting my friends, (not recommended) and randomly asking someone for a date that I never met.

Last June I was done with dating. I was ready for God to just drop her in my lap otherwise screw it.  I got an email for 1 month free then pay for one month for online dating. I tried it and July 5th of last year was my last day. On July 4th I sent a message to a girl named Stephanie in Austin. It was long distance and that wouldn’t work but why not. She responded and we started messaging. She was in Iowa visiting family so I couldn’t meet her. August 18th I drove to Austin and went on a small date just to meet because I had to get back and go to work. She was stunningly beautiful and the best thing is at dinner she put her arm around my arm.  I left and said she was pretty cool but I can’t make that work. I suck at distance and I need someone here everyday. After going back and forth mostly her coming here. I decided in October I wanted to be her boyfriend. I went back and forth not because I didn’t like her or was starting to love her but my fears. I wasn’t worthy, this can’t be real.

The Monday before my mom died we had a serious conversation about Stephanie. She said son I love her and she’s great for you. Stop finding things wrong and find the things right. My mom died the next day! Since that moment she has been my rock. She had no idea what to do for a man who was so close to his my mom but she has done it. She loves me and my kids unconditionally.  She tries everyday to understand how weird I am. I love her and never knew what it was like  to love someone like this. Faults, quirks, great things. i love her.

Last Thursday we went to Puerto Vallarta Mexico for a short vacation: I had made plans to ask her to marry me but she had no idea. Everything fell into including the ring get through the airport screening. Last Friday night i hit my knee on the beaches of Puerto Vallarta and asked Stephanie Ann Lemburg to be my wife and she said yes. I was so nervousness and didn’t want to screw up. I succeded

Never give up, God said he will restore what the Locusts ate. Here is another part of rising through the ashes. I couldn’t be more blessed to have put down my will and accept his.





Day 1149 Im finally in an amazing realtionship

28 03 2016

Yesterday was the first big holiday without my mom. It was very different and she was missed terribly. Flashbacks of her being there, eating, laughing telling me if I didn’t use my manners she was going to shove an Easter egg down my throat and make me like it.
I would do anything to have her back, tell her I love her, and have her hug me one more time. Yesterday was just another day to remember how amazing she was and how she made everything so special.
A big thank you to my sister Meagan Wood for cooking like mom would have, but the bad part it was on time which would have never happened with my mom.

For almost 25 years I’ve been searching for someone to love ME. Not what I can do for them, or what my potential was but for me. I knew what I was capable of and for most of the relationships I was pretty decent in loving and showing love. I was broken and made a lot of wrong turns but now I made a change in my life and knew what I could be as a boyfriend and a future husband. I was ready to give up, from blind dates, to people I knew from my past, to dating websites I was ready to throw in the towel. Being a daddy, a warrior for God, speaker, and working I had accepted that I wasn’t going to find anyone else. In July of last year I saw a girl I thought was pretty sent her a message and then we started talking. She was in Austin so I thought it was just going to be something where I passed the time. We talked a lot and I was dating a few women here and there. I finally decided to go meet her. I drove down during the week thought I was crazy because I was going to get back so late for work the next day. Based on all the things I wanted in a woman she was it but we know that we all put on a good show when we meet. After dinner we were sitting there and she put her arm around my arm, 2 points for her. Physical touch is my love language, so she was a head of the game. She looked at me like nobody ever had and I wondered why.

When I left I thought I really needed to see her again but didn’t know when I was going to “TRY” again. I kept trying and we became closer and closer. Still the whole time I did everything I could to push her away. Not because I didn’t want her but because I was afraid. I mean I already said I was good being single the rest of my life and how could anyone possibly love me. She didn’t budge. I knew she thought about leaving but she has something I never had and that she was loyal. We told me from our first date that she thought that I was incredible. She hasn’t stopped since. I’m weird, I’m different, I march to the beat of my own drum, but I’m also loving, caring, a giver, loyal, a man’s man, a great father and she’s helped show me that. My mom, sister, kids, and my close friends thought she was great but for some reason I couldn’t get over me. The day before my mom died we had a serious conversation and I thought it might be over , and the next day my mom died. She got here as quick as she could. Like anyone else she had no idea what to do so she was there. Through my tears, my stories, my laughs, my deepest fears, and the hardest thing that had happened to me. I had always said before If I  ever stayed with someone forever again I had to know what she was like when shit hit the fan. Well lets just say she bought the best toilet paper and wiped it clean lol.

She had grown closer to my kids, Rock Bottom Outreach, God and me. When I think of what I wanted in woman, mother and lover she exceeds those expectations. There will never be another woman like my mom but Stephanie Lemburg is following closely. About 3 weeks ago God and I had one of our one on ones. I asked that he lets my heart accept all of her and let my heart fall truly, madly , deeply in love. God spoke to me and said don’t let her go for any reason and Tyler you deserve this woman its time to let go of your junk.

I have done that and I couldn’t be happier. Sure we have the ups and downs of getting to know one another but at the end of the day I’m not worried about her walking out on me. There may not be a better feeling for a 40-year-old man to know the love of a loyal woman and that she’s even on my side when she’s about ready to hit me with a hammer.

AS my journey changes Im glad to walk it with Stephanie. I love you Stephanie and thank you.

 





Day 1121 Day 1119 The ghost I can’t catch

26 02 2016

Good evening from Durango Colorado.  After my mom passed away I didn’t take any time off so with two of my best buddies we are going to get away, snowboard, and enjoy the great outdoors. Nothing brings you back to what this life was created for than being in the great outdoors.

I’ve been in Counseling since September 2011 I’m so thankful I put my pride down and decided to make the life changing decision. It started so I could figure out why I wanted to take my life. From that moment on I learned about anger, worth, love, forgiveness, starting over, God, parenting. I could go on but mostly I learned to become a changed man. I thirsted for the knowledge, I couldn’t get enough, some of it was the worst feelings I have ever had. I wanted to quit, I wanted to run away, I wanted to give up, thankfully here I am.  I call this journey because of the peaks and valleys. I’ve never had a real even kill time since I started counseling. Then my mom dies in December and I knew I had to dig deeper in counseling and find out this emptiness I’ve had for about two years. With all the interceptive thoughts going along with my grief I kept asking myself why, why do you feel this way about yourself? Why can’t you get over this hill? Then this past Tuesday I counseling comes with only 10 minutes left in my session… Please don’t feel pity, or say something generic. I’m trying to be real to help me and maybe someone else!!

Brian I’ve been a failure at everything I touched and I mean everything. It’s the first time in my life I verbally said that. I think I thought it but no way I would say it. I started listing my failures, from sports, friendships, marriage, business, parenting, my personnel finances, addiction, sex etc.. With those thoughts I could never be truly happy or feel worthy. Brian my counselor looks at me and said you have to go back again and fix that. Go back where to what. I already forgave my dad. He was what I blamed, for everything wrong. So what do you mean. I said I struggle with love to. I feel like I don’t do it well and I struggle to receive it.  So with one minute left in the session he said I don’t know where you need to go to start but you have to.

Walked to my car sat down and wanted to throw up. All I could say is are you fing serious all of this and I left something in the rear view that I didn’t cleanup. I wanted to cry but I was to angry. I had a very brief conversation with God that a little something like you can Kiss my … God. AS I drove to an apt for work I sat there thinking this issue is like a ghost. You can see a ghost but you go to grab it and there’s nothing there. Yes, I know I can pray and have but God wants me to put the work in too. I’m fighting a ghost and even though I consider myself a pretty scrappy fighter this one I’m at a loss on now.

You might be fighting something too that seems like a losing cause. All I know If I can overcome so many of my demons this will fall to it just doesn’t come in my time. Here’s to sitting and listening and taping up these weather beaten and bruised hands for another round with me.





Day 1116 What you didn’t do for me.

22 02 2016

Good evening from 70 degree Texas. We haven’t had a winter and it makes me mad. Just a little cold and snow is that too much to ask.  It has allowed the weeds in my yard to grow so we can swing from each one of them and some trees are blooming so everything is green 🙂

Think about this before you answer in your head. Do you do something so that you can get something in return? Are you nice so someone will be nice in return. Do you cook for  your spouse or anyone else  hoping that you  will get something back in return After a while do you keep a scorecard of all the things you have done but they didn’t do for you. Then when you gave them a back rub or foot rub and then all of a sudden you lose it and spill your scorecard out. There is no doubt the score card is in you favor and its 21-7 in your favor and your pounding your chest look what I have done for you and you didn’t even do half of what I did. Guess what we both just lost. Sure my scorecard was more on the positive than yours but since I only did for you so I would get back in return I lost too.

I get so sick of relationship problems when they area truly simple. This is just a spouse, or significant other, it’s a friend, a work relationship, a family relationship etc.. Do you do it to get something back? If you do quit now! Stop giving because if you’re expecting everyone to be a giver like you it doesn’t happen. We are all different with our own strengths and weaknesses. Some people are takers usually one is a taker and one is a giver. A lot of people have no idea how to give, they didn’t come from it and never have. So it seems so foreign to you when they accept and never give back. We givers really stink at receiving just FYI.

I have two friends of mine that are failing miserably in their relationships. I’ve viewed from afar and close up. I was asked by both of them this past week : What do I do? Well first off throw away your scorecard! It doesn’t matter what you have done because it only sounds like what I have viewed and you told me that you gave only to get. You throw around what you have done like a badge of honor and it doesn’t matter  what have you done people don’t want to get beaten down by how great you are of you’re the master giver. (One relationship is a marriage and the other is a friendship). I have seen more damaged in relationships because the giver thought they were a Heisman Trophy winner in the giving world. One of many faults in my marriage was I was great at giving but you better bet your bottom I wanted her to recognize and repay me.

I got a text from one of my buddies today and all it said was its working she said thank you. My advice to him was if you don’t want to give to her then don’t but think about why you decided not to. If you give to her then shut up. Your appreciation will come but not when you already gave to yourself.

For me and everyone reading this: You don’t have to do anything for anyone but when its your nature you have to let nature take its course. Then give until your heart is filled and then be quiet. Give because that’s who you are, not for what you’re  getting back. Oh yeah and if someone takes advantage of you then you learned and you move on.

 








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