Day 1302 A BUT makes you a BUTT

8 09 2016

I miss writing so often but when the day ends there is not enough time or energy. I’m trying to make it a point to get back and blog. my mind needs the writers release. Even if nobody reads it, I still need it if that makes sense.

I have always defended myself even when it wasn’t necessary. I still do now because I still forget that I am worthy and I’m enough. That if I’m wrong I’m not that little boy who didn’t have his dad to guide my way so I had to be right or I was going to always make mistakes. I like to be right and who doesn’t but that’s an excuse. We were made not to be perfect but I keep thinking i have to always be perfect and if not I’ll argue with you until I am. The past 6 months have been filled with as many changes in my life than any other time. I’m trying to always be better but!!!! That word gets me always because I might agree with you but I need you to hear my side so you know that I’m okay. So Im still insecure, frightened, unsure, changing ball of a mess. I listen to God and then I stop listening and when I stop listening welcome to Tyler Wood and his interchanging “Buts”

Have you ever went and listened to yourself when you try to defend yourself. It sounds so stupid and when you’re having a good day you step back and say what in the hell did I do that for. What did it matter if I was right or wrong. I didn’t hear the other person, I probably hurt them and I didn’t listen to anything they said. All because Im so insecure, feel unloved, unattached from anyone or anything that I just need to be heard.

I was in an argument with my fiance and we were both wrong but God forbid if I actually shut up and not have to be the heavyweight champion of arguing. So I got the title that night and I hurt her feelings and made her feel that what she had to say wasn’t important. As soon as I said But i should have stopped because the moment I kept going I became a BUTT!

Im always a work in progress like we all are but if I have to  be the champion of But I will become the champion of the BUTTS too and I really don’t need another crappy crown.

We don’t always have to be right even when we are right. The BUT stops here. I hope it can stop with you too!

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Day 1201 Inside the Minds of men

26 05 2016

Its been a while since I blogged. The world is crazy busy like everyone’s but I promise my mind is still working. Probably too much. Every-time I try to sit down either something drags me away or I my time is gone.

It’s almost been 5 years on August since my recovery journey started. I’ve always knew that I was destined for more than the standard work, eat dinner, dinner, spend time with kids and do it all over again. After reading close to 400 books in the past 5 years, digging into counseling, being a part of Rock Bottom Outreach, counseling people I knew I had to get this information out of my head and into others. I’ve been told I have a presence and when I speak people listen. I just never knew how or what to do about. My counselor Brian Hackney and I  fiddled around with ideas for 2 years how we could help with others. One is we’ll start an organization to help men, we never got excited about it. How about this and that but nothing stuck. I started checking around about speaking groups, there were a ton of women speaking to men, and men speaking to men but I couldn’t find any where men speaking to women. I was excited about the idea and about 6 months ago I was in counseling and finally brought the idea up to Brian. His eyes lit up and we started going through how we would be as real, vulnerable and authentic and let women really know whats inside the minds of men. The stuff nobody wants to talk about, porn, anger, yelling, workaholic, pride, fear lack of communication, and truly let it all hang out. We have a close friend John Finch that  started The Perfect Father ministry and https://www.facebook.com/The-Father-Effect-Movie-211007652267276/ and thought John would be a perfect complement and he gets it. We knew his struggles and we knew his heart. We asked him to join and be apart.

After months of trying to figure out what to and how we finally had a Guinea pig meeting. There were about 50 women there. It was truly an eye-opening experience. To have a vision, and allow it to happen is truly amazing. The ideas and words that the women left us with were truly awe-inspiring, We wanted to make a difference and after we had that meeting we all knew this was something great. Last night we had our first event that was paid. We had 42 women show up. there were tears, a few gasps, a few women holding on to their chair because it made them uncomfortable but what it did make a difference. When we closed and thank them we said that we hope you walk out knowing something more about men or you can go home and change your relationship. Every head nodded and the energy was amazing. We have something great here. We just need the word of mouth and positive  vibe to continue. I’ll ask you to look at or website and go to our Facebook. Hear the testimonials and if you can get us booked with your women’s group please go online. Just pass the word we appreciate it so much.

http://www.facebook.com/insidethemindsofmen.org/

http://www.insidethemindsofmen.org/

 





Day 1121 Day 1119 The ghost I can’t catch

26 02 2016

Good evening from Durango Colorado.  After my mom passed away I didn’t take any time off so with two of my best buddies we are going to get away, snowboard, and enjoy the great outdoors. Nothing brings you back to what this life was created for than being in the great outdoors.

I’ve been in Counseling since September 2011 I’m so thankful I put my pride down and decided to make the life changing decision. It started so I could figure out why I wanted to take my life. From that moment on I learned about anger, worth, love, forgiveness, starting over, God, parenting. I could go on but mostly I learned to become a changed man. I thirsted for the knowledge, I couldn’t get enough, some of it was the worst feelings I have ever had. I wanted to quit, I wanted to run away, I wanted to give up, thankfully here I am.  I call this journey because of the peaks and valleys. I’ve never had a real even kill time since I started counseling. Then my mom dies in December and I knew I had to dig deeper in counseling and find out this emptiness I’ve had for about two years. With all the interceptive thoughts going along with my grief I kept asking myself why, why do you feel this way about yourself? Why can’t you get over this hill? Then this past Tuesday I counseling comes with only 10 minutes left in my session… Please don’t feel pity, or say something generic. I’m trying to be real to help me and maybe someone else!!

Brian I’ve been a failure at everything I touched and I mean everything. It’s the first time in my life I verbally said that. I think I thought it but no way I would say it. I started listing my failures, from sports, friendships, marriage, business, parenting, my personnel finances, addiction, sex etc.. With those thoughts I could never be truly happy or feel worthy. Brian my counselor looks at me and said you have to go back again and fix that. Go back where to what. I already forgave my dad. He was what I blamed, for everything wrong. So what do you mean. I said I struggle with love to. I feel like I don’t do it well and I struggle to receive it.  So with one minute left in the session he said I don’t know where you need to go to start but you have to.

Walked to my car sat down and wanted to throw up. All I could say is are you fing serious all of this and I left something in the rear view that I didn’t cleanup. I wanted to cry but I was to angry. I had a very brief conversation with God that a little something like you can Kiss my … God. AS I drove to an apt for work I sat there thinking this issue is like a ghost. You can see a ghost but you go to grab it and there’s nothing there. Yes, I know I can pray and have but God wants me to put the work in too. I’m fighting a ghost and even though I consider myself a pretty scrappy fighter this one I’m at a loss on now.

You might be fighting something too that seems like a losing cause. All I know If I can overcome so many of my demons this will fall to it just doesn’t come in my time. Here’s to sitting and listening and taping up these weather beaten and bruised hands for another round with me.





Day 1103 Depression medication? OMG Help me

8 02 2016

Thought I might get a blog in before the Superbowl starts. I wish I truly gave a crap about who won but I don’t. I’m ready for the commercials though. We had another Rock Bottom Outreach Sleeping bag handout yesterday. I love those events because yes we are helping others but I believe we get more out of it. I took my babies with me so one that get to see real life but also its good for them to do others. I got this amazing pic taken with them too makes my heart happy.

my family

If you have read my blog you know I have struggled with depression and it comes from about 3 generations back on both sides. I had been off of medication for about 2 years and then in October life started creeping in on me. I really struggled because I was so mad that I couldn’t control my feelings. I had anger, sadness, despair. I also had days where I was so happy and excited but the bad days out weighed the correct thoughts. I know depression is a chemical imbalance not that you’re weak or have problems being strong. Its something you can’t handle. With at one point going to commit suicide I decided I better get back on medication. I got on Lexipro and in about 4 days I felt so much better and after two weeks I didn’t feel much of anything. There were no lows but also no highs. I could have been on fire and all I would have thought is I should put that out (said in Ben Stein’s voice). I didn’t get angry, passionate sad, depressed, lovey, or anything. I was okay with it because nothing was bad but I like to have feelings. I like to experience life and I was walking in it but I was numb. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on and that’s not me.  Then came December 29th and my mom died. I was super sad but I was calm to calm for me. I thought maybe it was because my walk with God or just I had grown up.  3 weeks into this I had only cried 4 times. I thought about her all the time but I was just here in a black hole of nothing. I didn’t want to be just here I wanted to feel and feel deep. I knew though that if I got off it I would be in big trouble. I couldn’t have this hit me all at once. So Last Monday I called my Dr and asked if I could half my dosage. She said yes and knows me well so I did it. I started really feeling different yesterday. Feelings that I haven’t felt in 3 months came on. I thought, grieved, laughed and cried yesterday. Today I actually felt and heard the message at church. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I felt love for my kids I hadn’t had in a while. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had thoughts about my mom that I hadn’t in years. On the 11th of this month my dad will be gone for 11 years and I thought about what my parents were doing in heaven. Mostly I thought about where my life was and was I good enough.

It may not sound like it but I need to feel, I need to live, I need to experience this journey that I didn’t expect to happen. I believe many people and I know a few that feel the same way I do. They hate not feeling and they got off  the depression medicine. I can’t tell you what to do but know if you need medicine get on it and stay on it, but work your rear off while your on it to better yourself and let it be something that is not a mainstay. Don’t live on it because this world is meant to be lived not numbed. I’m not sure what the next few weeks bring but I’m thankful to feel whatever the heck normal is again.





Day 1103 Depression medication? OMG Help me

7 02 2016

Thought I might get a blog in before the Superbowl starts. I wish I truly gave a crap about who won but I don’t. I’m ready for the commercials though. We had another Rock Bottom Outreach Sleeping bag handout yesterday. I love those events because yes we are helping others but I believe we get more out of it. I took my babies with me so one that get to see real life but also its good for them to do others. I got this amazing pic taken with them too makes my heart happy.

my family

If you have read my blog you know I have struggled with depression and it comes from about 3 generations back on both sides. I had been off of medication for about 2 years and then in October life started creeping in on me. I really struggled because I was so mad that I couldn’t control my feelings. I had anger, sadness, despair. I also had days where I was so happy and excited but the bad days out weighed the correct thoughts. I know depression is a chemical imbalance not that you’re weak or have problems being strong. Its something you can’t handle. With at one point going to commit suicide I decided I better get back on medication. I got on Lexipro and in about 4 days I felt so much better and after two weeks I didn’t feel much of anything. There were no lows but also no highs. I could have been on fire and all I would have thought is I should put that out (said in Ben Stein’s voice). I didn’t get angry, passionate sad, depressed, lovey, or anything. I was okay with it because nothing was bad but I like to have feelings. I like to experience life and I was walking in it but I was numb. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on and that’s not me.  Then came December 29th and my mom died. I was super sad but I was calm to calm for me. I thought maybe it was because my walk with God or just I had grown up.  3 weeks into this I had only cried 4 times. I thought about her all the time but I was just here in a black hole of nothing. I didn’t want to be just here I wanted to feel and feel deep. I knew though that if I got off it I would be in big trouble. I couldn’t have this hit me all at once. So Last Monday I called my Dr and asked if I could half my dosage. She said yes and knows me well so I did it. I started really feeling different yesterday. Feelings that I haven’t felt in 3 months came on. I thought, grieved, laughed and cried yesterday. Today I actually felt and heard the message at church. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I felt love for my kids I hadn’t had in a while. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had thoughts about my mom that I hadn’t in years. On the 11th of this month my dad will be gone for 11 years and I thought about what my parents were doing in heaven. Mostly I thought about where my life was and was I good enough.

It may not sound like it but I need to feel, I need to live, I need to experience this journey that I didn’t expect to happen. I believe many people and I know a few that feel the same way I do. They hate not feeling and they got off  the depression medicine. I can’t tell you what to do but know if you need medicine get on it and stay on it, but work your rear off while your on it to better yourself and let it be something that is not a mainstay. Don’t live on it because this world is meant to be lived not numbed. I’m not sure what the next few weeks bring but I’m thankful to feel whatever the heck normal is again.





Day 1084 That’s what love is

18 01 2016

As a blogger you write mostly what interests you but at the same time you hope your reader truly enjoys it. Then sometimes you write because you need it. You want to write so you can come back and feel moments in your life, see how far you’ve come or just what in the world was in your brain at that time. I write tonight for me. It’s just some of my thoughts that I’ve had and discussed  in counseling.

Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is ….. LOVE! My mom was love in every sense of the word. It just exuded  out of her. Tough, physical, mental, emotional she was all of that. She was my example and now a realization has hit. I was talking to my counselor Brian before Thanksgiving and  told him in my life women have never loved me except my mom. Sure I had 2 long relationships then a 14 year marriage but those women never loved ME! They loved who I was going to become or what I could do for them but never the love I deserved or should have received. Before I go on this isn’t “poor Tyler” or God loves you Tyler. I know that. God did put us on this earth and he did say again Faith, Hope and Love and the greatest is LOVE.

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and will until the day I die but I do know what love is, I exude it, I give it and I express it in whatever way you need it, but now mine is gone. Sure I was a mamas boy but it was to easy not to be. I realized tonight on a 5.5 hr drive home that I could live to be 100 and never feel that love again. Not just because she was my mom but that’s how she loved. I could write for 5 more hours about how my mom loved but I ll just give a few that hit me tonight.

After my dad became disabled things got horrible but my mom made sure we stood tall. I remember this piggy bank It was of a basset hound it was full of money. She brought me in my room and gave me a little hammer and said son we need this money now but lets break this bank together. We sat on the floor and with tears running down her eyes I asked why do we have to do this. She said because life isn’t always fair but you make the best of it. I said now what? She said now we love each other more than we ever have because we need it.

My sophomore year of high school when all hell had broke loose in our family and  things were being pawned and life was unbearable. I had to have an operation to shorten my left leg. Dr. came into my room the day after the surgery and looked at us and said he’ll never walk right and again and sports is out of the question. My mom said well sir you don’t know my son but I do and your wrong. When the dr left the room she turned around to me and looked me in the eye and said you will be do everything you ever wanted to do because I know you, I had you and I love you. Now get your ass out of bed and let’s go to physical therapy. She was at ever physical therapy appt with her own brand of encouragement and the kiss on the cheek at the end. 6 months later I was cleared to play football again.

I told this at my mom’s Eulogy. The night before I attempted suicide I called my mom and to shorten the conversation I told her life had become too much and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told her that I wouldn’t do anything stupid (which was a lie) but I didn’t know which way was up. She didn’t lecture me at all. She paused so long I said mom are you still there. She said son what your feeling is temporary, I know you’re hurting but you will get through this. She said only God can fix this. She then called me by my whole name Jason Tyler Wood I love you.  Good night son! The next day the attempt failed. I was so embarrassed it took me a week to call her and tell what I had tried. She said I know son. When I hung up with you I yelled to God to save my son because I can’t. That is what love is. When you have no idea you reach to the one who does.

As I struggle and pray to feel the love my mom showed me. I know that there is no one else like her. I miss her like crazy and know that she was truly proud of the man I had become today.





Day 1084 That’s what love is

17 01 2016

As a blogger you write mostly what interests you but at the same time you hope your reader truly enjoys it. Then sometimes you write because you need it. You want to write so you can come back and feel moments in your life, see how far you’ve come or just what in the world was in your brain at that time. I write tonight for me. It’s just some of my thoughts that I’ve had and discussed  in counseling.

Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is ….. LOVE! My mom was love in every sense of the word. It just exuded  out of her. Tough, physical, mental, emotional she was all of that. She was my example and now a realization has hit. I was talking to my counselor Brian before Thanksgiving and  told him in my life women have never loved me except my mom. Sure I had 2 long relationships then a 14 year marriage but those women never loved ME! They loved who I was going to become or what I could do for them but never the love I deserved or should have received. Before I go on this isn’t “poor Tyler” or God loves you Tyler. I know that. God did put us on this earth and he did say again Faith, Hope and Love and the greatest is LOVE.

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and will until the day I die but I do know what love is, I exude it, I give it and I express it in whatever way you need it, but now mine is gone. Sure I was a mamas boy but it was to easy not to be. I realized tonight on a 5.5 hr drive home that I could live to be 100 and never feel that love again. Not just because she was my mom but that’s how she loved. I could write for 5 more hours about how my mom loved but I ll just give a few that hit me tonight.

After my dad became disabled things got horrible but my mom made sure we stood tall. I remember this piggy bank It was of a basset hound it was full of money. She brought me in my room and gave me a little hammer and said son we need this money now but lets break this bank together. We sat on the floor and with tears running down her eyes I asked why do we have to do this. She said because life isn’t always fair but you make the best of it. I said now what? She said now we love each other more than we ever have because we need it.

My sophomore  of school when all hell had broke loose in our family and  things were being pawned and life was unbearable. I had to have an operation to shorten my left leg. Dr. came into my room the day after the surgery and looked at us and said he’ll never walk right and again and sports is out of the question. My mom said well sir you don’t know my son but I do and your wrong. When the dr left the room she turned around to me and looked me in the eye and said you will be do everything you ever wanted to do because I know you, I had you and I love you. Now get your ass out of bed and let’s go to physical therapy. She was at ever physical therapy appt with her own brand of encouragement and the kiss on the cheek at the end. 6 months later I was cleared to play football again.

I told this at my mom’s Eulogy. The night before I attempted suicide I called my mom and to shorten the conversation I told her life had become too much and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told her that I wouldn’t do anything stupid (which was a lie) but I didn’t know which way was up. She didn’t lecture me at all. She paused so long I said mom are you still there. She said son what your feeling is temporary, I know you’re hurting but you will get through this. She said only God can fix this. She then called me by my whole name Jason Tyler Wood I love you.  Good night son! The next day the attempt failed. I was so embarrassed it took me a week to call her and tell what I had tried. She said I know son. When I hung up with you I yelled to God to save my son because I can’t. That is what love is. When you have no idea you reach to the one who does.

AS I struggle and pray to feel the love my mom showed me. I know that there is no one else like her. I miss her like crazy and know that she was truly proud of the man I had become today.

 

 








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