Day 518 I just didn’t care

30 06 2014

There are times in your life that your proud of things you do and I am that for my past weekend. I used to be a control freak and a planner. When my plans didn’t go as planned I would get angry and think less of my self. After 4 years of change I have learned that I control very little so just go with it.  This weekend was a guys weekend. My buddy Jim and I went to Western Kansas so he could show me where he grew up and just to get away.  There were no plans were made just let’s get the heck out of here.  In all we drove about 22 hrs on our trip. I love driving and seeing things that I have never seen.  Here are the key words from the trip. You can fill in the blanks on what you think happened.

Oreos and blizzards
Gun and fireworks
Tornado
air mattress and barn
Candy bars
Motorcycles and 4 wheelers with busted chin
Bull semen
No water pressure
Gummi bears
Red rocks amphitheater 482 stairs at 6000 elevation
Cow crap
Biting flies
Hairy armpits
Wasted hippies
Hotel manager
Transformers, 3 wasted hrs
Smells like stinky socks
Wet butt
No sleep
Weird sayings in truck stop bathroom
Tattoos
Little Debbie snack cakes
Our on probation friend jenni

I wont explain all of them and some aren’t on here but needless to say I had a blast. Friday night in Kansas we were in a tornado for about 10 secs.  I truly thought that may be the end. We slept in a barn, We got to see small town Kansas visit family  and eat at the one restaurant in the town. We rode dirt bikes and 4 wheelers  on 2000 acres and right before we were finished I busted my chin open on a jump.  Im not sure what happens if you have a medical emergency its pretty much good luck I think.  We got a wild hair and Denver was only 3 hrs away so we visited Denver. What a great City . The temps are great with no humidity and the people are so laid back. We were at our hotel and ran into a group of girls that said we should go to the wide-spread panic concert at Red Rock Amphitheater. Red Rock is a Bucket list item. We got to the show but didn’t get to watch but we did hear it. That is an amazing place that if you have never been it’s a must see for a concert. It was one of the best vacations i have ever had. No plans just flying by the seat of our pants. I can’t wait for the next time!





Day 511 When you look around!!

24 06 2014

Well its over! We moved my  mom. It rained 5 inches yesterday while we were moving and needless to say it was a very sad day. The good thing is when something ends, something new begins. We found a treasure chest of thing things from my dads past. It was really cool to see all the things my dad did in his life.

I know nobody likes it but I hate cancer. In the past two weeks 3 people I know have been diagnosed with cancer. You want to do something but all you can do is pray and listen. I only wish that I can be there when I’m needed.

I wrote about this recently but I never knew how hard it would be to leave my childhood home.  Over the past 10 years the house and place had deteriorated to say the least. Wood rot, windows that whistled when the wind blew, leaking, horrible plumbing some electric work and some didn’t. It was my home and no matter what it looked like I still love  it. AS the boxes were being packed and moved into the truck the house started clearing  out more my thoughts change from lets hurry to can we slow this down. The Saturday before 2 of my friends came and helped me clean out our storage barn and all I did was clean that as fast as I could but when they left I went back in and remembered the things my dad taught me in the barn. How to work and clean my fishing gear. We took apart lawn mowers and sometimes it was his place that he could go to get out of the house because he couldn’t drive anymore. Once I moved into the house to start the real packing process I found pictures, and tools, letters, my drawings my sister and I made for my mom. I teared up a few times. My mom did a pretty good job of throwing things away. There were things like the 41-year-old green fridge that she wanted, some pillows, and some dishes that I was like okay are we sure we should eat off of those.

When I left there were just a few things left that my sister was taking care of and even though the house was empty I was looking around and my mind was full. Sure I was sad, but I was also content because I had come to a close that even though some things end there always new beginnings. I hope someone else is able to have the lifetime of memories I have and when I took my final mental picture of that empty house I remembered that house built me and I couldn’t have been more thankful.





Day 511 When you look around!!

23 06 2014

Well its over! We moved my  mom. It rained 5 inches yesterday while we were moving and needless to say it was a very sad day. The good thing is when something ends, something new begins. We found a treasure chest of thing things from my dads past. It was really cool to see all the things my dad did in his life.

I know nobody likes it but I hate cancer. In the past two weeks 3 people I know have been diagnosed with cancer. You want to do something but all you can do is pray and listen. I only wish that I can be there when I’m needed.

I wrote about this recently but I never knew how hard it would be to leave my childhood home.  Over the past 10 years the house and place had deteriorated to say the least. Wood rot, windows that whistled when the wind blew, leaking, horrible plumbing some electric work and some didn’t. It was my home and no matter what it looked like I still love  it. AS the boxes were being packed and moved into the truck the house started clearing  out more my thoughts change from lets hurry to can we slow this down. The Saturday before 2 of my friends came and helped me clean out our storage barn and all I did was clean that as fast as I could but when they left I went back in and remembered the things my dad taught me in the barn. How to work and clean my fishing gear. We took apart lawn mowers and sometimes it was his place that he could go to get out of the house because he couldn’t drive anymore. Once I moved into the house to start the real packing process I found pictures, and tools, letters, my drawings my sister and I made for my mom. I teared up a few times. My mom did a pretty good job of throwing things away. There were things like the 41-year-old green fridge that she wanted, some pillows, and some dishes that I was like okay are we sure we should eat off of those.

When I left there were just a few things left that my sister was taking care of and even though the house was empty I was looking around and my mind was full. Sure I was sad, but I was also content because I had come to a close that even though some things end there always new beginnings. I hope someone else is able to have the lifetime of memories I have and when I took my final mental picture of that empty house I remembered that house built me and I couldn’t have been more thankful.





Day 505: no clue how you fit in

17 06 2014

When I grow up I want to be? I wanted to be a professional football player. It was a  realistic actually but life had other plans. When you see someone who is doing what they always wanted and are happy in their job/dream what an amazing feeling we should have for them. We shouldn’t be jealous, envy, or take away their joy. Why? Its proof that we can find happiness in ourselves but because of this little word only about 5% of the population ever reaches it. That word is DOUBT!!

My biggest weakness is doubt. It’s not everyday but I fight t. I don’t feel I deserve it. I will tell you I do but my actions are not that I believe. Most of us will let doubt stay with us until we die. If you could be anybody or someone handed you a blank check everyday what would you do with it. You would believe that it wasn’t meant for you and that might mean you need to get out of your comfort so instead we would hand it back and go back to what we know. The reality is this—all of the answers you seek are within us now. Since we’ve already established that we will never—with total certainty—know the rules, then we can logically assume you’re as close to knowing them as you’ll ever be.  And thank you Robert D. Smith

The 3 Kinds of Doubt

Specifically, there are three kinds of doubt:

  1. We doubt what we did yesterday—“Was that the right thing to do? Did I make the wrong choice?”
  2. We doubt what we can do today. What kind of difference we can make today. If we can even get through the day.
  3. And we definitely doubt what we can do in the future. Who we can become. What we can accomplish. Whether we’ll ever be happy.

We misinterpret and distort the past, overlook the present, and obsess over a future we could never predict.

When you realize that, it becomes very easy to see how we cripple ourselves with doubt. But why do we do it?

I’m sure you’ve heard of that saying when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Well, are you ready? I mean do you really want to know? If so the answers are here:

Here’s the secret reason why we doubt—because, as hard as doubting is, it’s still easier to doubt yourself than to try, to give it a shot, to swing for the fences with your dream.

To acknowledge the person you want to become and write it down.

To assign a number to that blank check life is handing you and then actually pursue it.

What to Do with Doubt

Doubt will always be in existence. You will find yourself doubting all the time. You will doubt those around you. The number one person you will continually doubt is yourself. This is the one you must learn to overcome immediately and daily.The way to overcome doubt is simple to understand but hard to execute. It takes daily practice, dedication, and intense concentration.Overcoming doubt involves engaging in practices that I would highly discourage in all other situations:

  • Delay the inevitable.
  • Put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

Doubt will always be with you. So why not put it off until tomorrow? Remember, we’re constantly guilty of overlooking the present and obsessing over a future we can’t predict.All we have is now. So next time doubt creeps in, don’t pretend it’s not there. Acknowledge it. Feel it. And then say this:

“Today I’ll choose to act. Tomorrow I can choose to doubt.”

 

Like anything this can be solved but its hard. When things get hard we kind of slide out the side door.Why, because we have other harder things to work but if we would just work on this our life would take on the changes we keep pursuing. Everyday I see so much greatness in people but see them doing the things that are literally killing them. I can tell them and maybe one 1 out of 20 believes me but I can’t tell myself these things and believe them. Start with one doubt you have and start facing it. Just one because when you show yourself you can make that doubt go away the others start falling in place.

 





Day 503 A really great reunion/Fathers Day

16 06 2014

Our 20 year reunion was last night and it was great. Seeing people I haven’t seen in 10/20 years and see that everyone got along and treated each other with such respect.. I put the reunion together  not to get a gold ribbon but to make sure that we got to get together. I got hugs and thank you from everyone. It was truly appreciated and real happy night.  For those that missed it you missed a really good time.

This is a day of mixed emotions for sure. Is miss my dad greatly. This is my 9th Father Day’s without him. With the sadness of him not being here there is a great sense of peace as well. December 7th 2011 I was able to forgive my dad at his grave and ask for forgiveness for me. That day changed my life and has helped me work on a being a great. Sometimes as parents we just do the best we can. We may not  have the knowledge or the pain runs to deep to be able to move on to be a great parent.  I know my dad loved me and he poured his heart on his deathbed to let me know so. I was to busy trying to think of reasons not to believe and didn’t hear his words until years later. I remember the nights and days that he sat at the edge of his bed staring at the floor and now I only wonder the horrible thoughts he was thinking of himself has he was also coughing up pieces of his lungs into a bucket. He worked his ass off 14 -16 hrs a day but life just didn’t workout for him. He left me his burden on me and  I would walk by and tell myself see I’m a man, I’m taking the world on my shoulders as you sit and rot away and quit on us. Im so glad that those feelings are gone and I appreciate  the small things about him. He taught me so much when I would listen. His smile was amazing and when he told me he loved me I would die to hear that one more time. This day maybe has some sadness but it comes with more happiness knowing I appreciate the man who I didn’t really know. He told me the week before he died that being a dad was the greatest accomplishment he had since his kids turned out so well. He made me promise that I would never take being a dad for granted and it took me 9 years to learn but I agree there is nothing better.

At 3:30 today I get my babies for a few hours with them and there is not a better gift than that.  I promise I struggle I lay awake at night and wonder am I good at this, am I teaching them what they need to be successful, what am I doing wrong, I pray to God and tell him I have no idea what I am doing.  Especially being a single dad I probably worry or question more. I do know this when I see my kids after a week they run to me and hug me my heart melts but then I hear the words I love you daddy. The world is better place and I feel like Im doing something right.

Men being a daddy is a gift. If you haven’t been involved or good father you can always start now. Kids forgive and we got to show them that they are loved by us or they will go find it somewhere else. I know a lot of amazing fathers and I know its hard but Im so proud of you all. Happy Fathers Day!





Day 503 A really great reunion/Fathers Day

15 06 2014

Our 20 year reunion was last night and it was great. Seeing people I haven’t seen in 10/20 years and see that everyone got along and treated each other with such respect.. I put the reunion together  not to get a gold ribbon but to make sure that we got to get together. I got hugs and thank you from everyone. It was truly appreciated and real happy night.  For those that missed it you missed a really good time.

This is a day of mixed emotions for sure. Is miss my dad greatly. This is my 9th Father Day’s without him. With the sadness of him not being here there is a great sense of peace as well. December 7th 2011 I was able to forgive my dad at his grave and ask for forgiveness for me. That day changed my life and has helped me work on a being a great. Sometimes as parents we just do the best we can. We may not  have the knowledge or the pain runs to deep to be able to move on to be a great parent.  I know my dad loved me and he poured his heart on his deathbed to let me know so. I was to busy trying to think of reasons not to believe and didn’t hear his words until years later. I remember the nights and days that he sat at the edge of his bed staring at the floor and now I only wonder the horrible thoughts he was thinking of himself has he was also coughing up pieces of his lungs into a bucket. He worked his ass off 14 -16 hrs a day but life just didn’t workout for him. He left me his burden on me and  I would walk by and tell myself see I’m a man, I’m taking the world on my shoulders as you sit and rot away and quit on us. Im so glad that those feelings are gone and I appreciate  the small things about him. He taught me so much when I would listen. His smile was amazing and when he told me he loved me I would die to hear that one more time. This day maybe has some sadness but it comes with more happiness knowing I appreciate the man who I didn’t really know. He told me the week before he died that being a dad was the greatest accomplishment he had since his kids turned out so well. He made me promise that I would never take being a dad for granted and it took me 9 years to learn but I agree there is nothing better.

At 3:30 today I get my babies for a few hours with them and there is not a better gift than that.  I promise I struggle I lay awake at night and wonder am I good at this, am I teaching them what they need to be successful, what am I doing wrong, I pray to God and tell him I have no idea what I am doing.  Especially being a single dad I probably worry or question more. I do know this when I see my kids after a week they run to me and hug me my heart melts but then I hear the words I love you daddy. The world is better place and I feel like Im doing something right.

Men being a daddy is a gift. If you haven’t been involved or good father you can always start now. Kids forgive and we got to show them that they are loved by us or they will go find it somewhere else. I know a lot of amazing fathers and I know its hard but Im so proud of you all. Happy Fathers Day!





Day 503 A really great reunion/Fathers Day

15 06 2014

Our 20 year reunion was last night and it was great. Seeing people I haven’t seen in 10/20 years and see that everyone got along and treated each other with such respect.. I put the reunion together  not to get a gold ribbon but to make sure that we got to get together. I got hugs and thank you from everyone. It was truly appreciated and real happy night.  For those that missed it you missed a really good time.

This is a day of mixed emotions for sure. Is miss my dad greatly. This is my 9th Father Day’s without him. With the sadness of him not being here there is a great sense of peace as well. December 7th 2011 I was able to forgive my dad at his grave and ask for forgiveness for me. That day changed my life and has helped me work on a being a great. Sometimes as parents we just do the best we can. We may not  have the knowledge or the pain runs to deep to be able to move on to be a great parent.  I know my dad loved me and he poured his heart on his deathbed to let me know so. I was to busy trying to think of reasons not to believe and didn’t hear his words until years later. I remember the nights and days that he sat at the edge of his bed staring at the floor and now I only wonder the horrible thoughts he was thinking of himself has he was also coughing up pieces of his lungs into a bucket. He worked his ass off 14 -16 hrs a day but life just didn’t workout for him. He left me his burden on me and  I would walk by and tell myself see I’m a man, I’m taking the world on my shoulders as you sit and rot away and quit on us. Im so glad that those feelings are gone and I appreciate  the small things about him. He taught me so much when I would listen. His smile was amazing and when he told me he loved me I would die to hear that one more time. This day maybe has some sadness but it comes with more happiness knowing I appreciate the man who I didn’t really know. He told me the week before he died that being a dad was the greatest accomplishment he had since his kids turned out so well. He made me promise that I would never take being a dad for granted and it took me 9 years to learn but I agree there is nothing better.

At 3:30 today I get my babies for a few hours with them and there is not a better gift than that.  I promise I struggle I lay awake at night and wonder am I good at this, am I teaching them what they need to be successful, what am I doing wrong, I pray to God and tell him I have no idea what I am doing.  Especially being a single dad I probably worry or question more. I do know this when I see my kids after a week they run to me and hug me my heart melts but then I hear the words I love you daddy. The world is better place and I feel like Im doing something right.

Men being a daddy is a gift. If you haven’t been involved or good father you can always start now. Kids forgive and we got to show them that they are loved by us or they will go find it somewhere else. I know a lot of amazing fathers and I know its hard but Im so proud of you all. Happy Fathers Day!








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