Day 1615 Lets get naked

6 08 2017

First I want to thank you all for reading this blog. It’s so cool that people all over the world can read this. Looking at all the countries I wonder if I weird in foreign countries too.

Second I get a lot what does the day in your title mean. Well in this case 1615 days ago I started a car trip to Virginia by myself. to see one of my closet friends. I prayed and promised myself that my life would change for the better starting that day and would never be the same. So here we are 1615 days later. Its been one hell of a roller coaster but its been a blast.

I hope the title got you to read! I have been the physical naked more times that you want to hear. It was the only way I knew to love for the longest time or feel I was important. I hurt so many women over the years. It wasn’t purposeful just thought being naked meant I was enough. So shirt off,pants off and you liked me.

I hope for most of us with age comes wisdom, if not you hit your rock bottom and I promise you get wiser or you get buried.  I learned that not only does my value not coming from being physically naked but you want someone to love, like, or respect you: LETS GET REALLY NAKED. I hate small talk every bit of it, I could care less what’s up! I’m going to give or get a generic answer anyway so why I ask. The naked I want is the soul bearing, tear filled, biggest smile type of naked, clothes on or off I don’t care. I want to talk about: death, aliens, birthdays cake, what makes you cry, why you became insecure, why you fake it, music, the meaning of life,  the lies you live, your favorite smells, the quirks that nobody knows because you feel you’ll be judged, your childhood, your first crush, why you watch the ceiling fan spin at night, why does asparagus make your pee smell so bad, why you don’t like peanuts but love peanut butter. I want to know your emotions, what your depth is. Why you’re twisted.  I learned not to judge but question. When you know someone who is  feeling that,  that feeling only comes from God. if you know me and say you’re the weirdest person I know but I love your soul. Mission accomplished!

Don’t get me wrong I love the physical naked but learning what it takes to be real makes relationships powerful. I know you can’t get naked with everyone because most wont get it and that’s okay. So to me from you let’s get naked. Real is exposing your soul and not giving a damn! I’m ready for the real naked time!!

Thanks for reading

 





Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.

 





Day 1549 so this is what its come to

22 05 2017

Remember naps, kool aid, recess, playing outside until you were so tired you came in I took a bath passed out and did it again the next day.  What about getting something in the mail,run out to the mailbox but no yet, drinking from a water hose, jumping into a pond just because, or taking your shoes off just because. trying to have fun because it was fun,  not to have fun to compensate to make yourself feel better. Anyway I’m saying being an adult is dumb and we continue to do the same thing.

Let say the stats are correct and 2% of people live they life they want. I’ll be generous and say 10% are living the life they want. So that leaves us the other 90%. Here are the things we celebrate now,

  1. I got to work on time,
  2. They canceled the meeting,
  3. Jeans day,
  4. A catered lunch,
  5. Getting to leave 5 minutes early
  6. Living to get a tax return check that we shouldn’t have paid over tot he government anyway
  7. Getting to eat a meal at home. It used to happen everyday
  8. 2 weeks of vacation to work 50 weeks. Then we dread the end of vacation because how much work we have when we get back
  9. Praying to God that the dr., lawyer or bank stay open past 5 so you can get business done so you don’t have to do everything Saturday.
  10. That someone will celebrate your birthday
  11. You go to the mailbox hoping its empty
  12. That somebody would do their laundry
  13. Can we order pizza because I don’t give a crap about anybody eating
  14. Someone body I cared about texted me but I haven’t heard their voice in 2 years
  15.  I worked to retirement YAY, now my health sucks so bad I can’t enjoy it
  16. We get 2 breaks a day to go to the bathroom
  17. Somebody waved at me. Do they like me. It used to mean people were friendly.
  18. You have to be sick to feel like you can stay in bed
  19. Someone pays you a compliment.
  20. I paid my bills for the month yes, oh crap its time to start paying them again.

 

I could go on but how freaking sad is it that life has become this. Routine is a killer of the soul. Why have we accepted this. It’s not God’s plan. ts not our plan but we stick ourselves in the butt with it and wonder why it hurts. It’s just dub, we stopped having fun, or our fun is were going to drink until we don’t remember, because Hangovers are a blast.

My boss is a dumb arse and if you don’t think you’re a dumb arse you are the boss. We live this life to get to a point to enjoy it then our health fades,  our love dies, kids move on forget about us until were dying.

Im not trying to be a pessimist but I’m sick of people not living.  Take them damn trip,  eat the food you shouldn’t , if your job sucks find another one, if you want a dog buy one. Just live because if you were giving a month to live you would start but its to late.

Oh but Tyler I don’t what to do. Okay good stop doing this stupid crap I listed that’s a good start. The only person going to make your life better is you. I mean nobody else will. Don’t blame, just do it.





Day 920 This is what I don’t have

3 08 2015

This morning one of my friends got baptized and I cried. With change comes a heart of compassion. I remember being dunked in the water last year and what it symbolized for me. My friend Chris has had his fair share of crap that he brought on but also things that he didn’t ask for. There was a  group of the churches youth up by the baptism water and a boy turned around and said sir why are you crying. I said I can’t explain it unless you’ve been there but that is what you call rising through the ashes. I hope you never get there but if you do remember God never leaves us! Pretty good little Sunday if I do say so.

This is what I don’t have!! Okay Im not going to write what I don’t have sorry to let you down but Im going to write about the good I have in my life. This blog came on from a meme that I had saved on my phone. I was looking for a little encouragement yesterday after driving around for about 3 hrs cleaning my brain. I always used to be a glass half empty guy but im learning that its better to have a little than none at all.

Remember when

Its coming up on three years since my divorce and I won’t forget the way I felt standing in that courthouse. I had no idea which way was going to be up. I didn’t know how to be a dad, how to function on my own.  I doubted my self every second of everyday. Now almost three years later, sure I still doubt but it’s so many fewer times. Every time I turn it over to God its goes the way it should. I have won so many battles but not with people because if we win those we actually lose. I’m talking about the battles of the mind that tell us you’re not lovable, worthy, your not good at ABC. 3 years ago I feared my own shadow and now I welcome its company. I was reminded last night of things I forget about myself and about who I am and what I’ve overcome. It’s always easy everyday to wake up and say I can’t do this or I haven’t made any real changes. I would beg you to start everyday listing one or two things that you have overcome,  a fear your overcoming, a battle within you that you have conquered. Your doing such an amazing job compared to what you think you are. For me, Everyday to be the best father and never be selfish,  I’m learning to love me, I have a heart for God, to do something good everyday, to help at the drop of the hat to be there for someone, my fear of not being lovable, I slowly learning that be by myself is okay. Sometimes just keeping my head above water and not tucking tail and running.  Providing you hope when you feel there is none is what I like the most. So today stop and recognize the things you have done and where you’re at compared to just one year ago. Be proud of yourself if that means  you were at your rock bottom or there now , it only goes up from here. I’m living proof that the most broken, worst self esteem, pathetic man full of excuses can change and its been so worth it.





Day 920 This is what I don’t have

2 08 2015

This morning one of my friends got baptized and I cried. With change comes a heart of compassion. I remember being dunked in the water last year and what it symbolized for me. My friend Chris has had his fair share of crap that he brought on but also things that he didn’t ask for. There was a  group of the churches youth up by the baptism water and a boy turned around and said sir why are you crying. I said I can’t explain it unless you’ve been there but that is what you call rising through the ashes. I hope you never get there but if you do remember God never leaves us! Pretty good little Sunday if I do say so.

This is what I don’t have!! Okay Im not going to write what I don’t have sorry to let you down but Im going to write about the good I have in my life. This blog came on from a meme that I had saved on my phone. I was looking for a little encouragement yesterday after driving around for about 3 hrs cleaning my brain. I always used to be a glass half empty guy but im learning that its better to have a little than none at all.

Remember when

Its coming up on three years since my divorce and I won’t forget the way I felt standing in that courthouse. I had no idea which way was going to be up. I didn’t know how to be a dad, how to function on my own.  I doubted my self every second of everyday. Now almost three years later, sure I still doubt but it’s so many fewer times. Every time I turn it over to God its goes the way it should. I have won so many battles but not with people because if we win those we actually lose. I’m talking about the battles of the mind that tell us you’re not lovable, worthy, your not good at ABC. 3 years ago I feared my own shadow and now I welcome its company. I was reminded last night of things I forget about myself and about who I am and what I’ve overcome. It’s always easy everyday to wake up and say I can’t do this or I haven’t made any real changes. I would beg you to start everyday listing one or two things that you have overcome,  a fear your overcoming, a battle within you that you have conquered. Your doing such an amazing job compared to what you think you are. For me, Everyday to be the best father and never be selfish,  I’m learning to love me, I have a heart for God, to do something good everyday, to help at the drop of the hat to be there for someone, my fear of not being lovable, I slowly learning that be by myself is okay. Sometimes just keeping my head above water and not tucking tail and running.  Providing you hope when you feel there is none is what I like the most. So today stop and recognize the things you have done and where you’re at compared to just one year ago. Be proud of yourself if that means  you were at your rock bottom or there now , it only goes up from here. I’m living proof that the most broken, worst self esteem, pathetic man full of excuses can change and its been so worth it.

 

 





Day 782 Would you like to continue reading this blog!

18 03 2015

I have and do truly enjoy writing my blog. I appreciate over the past 2.7 years all the comments and people I have met through this blog. I started writing for me and only me. It was my therapy when nothing else made sense. In that time I got to see I wasn’t alone, rock bottom was okay, and there are people that hurt as bad as me and worse. I ve had people turn there back on me, love me more, cry with me, criticize me, laugh at me and it has all been worth it. I wouldn’t take back any of it. I will always blog because it still helps me. The blog and my life isn’t about me though its about helping others just if anything to feel they’re not alone. I can always set the blog to private and let those closest to me read it.

My question is do you want to continue reading it. Please Im not not looking for praise or oh your so great. What I want to know does it still touch you and speak to you. based on the response I get I will make my decision. In turn if people want to continue reading it I m going to write more of what I TRULY feel and also let you see my funny side. I’m not always serious and I want people to see that side of me too.  I promise though to keep my spelling and grammar terrible just to irritate those grammar and spelling NAZI’s So its up to you! I appreciate any feedback  positive or negative.





Day 722 You dont need permission to get out

19 01 2015

It was one of those weekends I was down. We accomplished a lot but I felt I should be hearing something and I missing it. I do know this when I’m  giving I feel complete. Today my kids, nephew and the Rock Bottom Outreach crew gave away 130 sleeping bags to the homeless in 12 minutes. Watching people with so little be so happy over a sleeping bag makes me be grateful but also just thankful that those I love are making a difference. Watching my kids help a total stranger and that stranger giving them a hug is what life is about.

I’m not writing this to anyone in particular. If you think I’m talking about you then we need to talk. I’ve been in two situations in the past week  and here is what I do know. In our lives we are responsible for everyone, everything and place in our lives. That is good and bad. I believe no matter how smart or not you are, how much common sense you have or don’t have we all have that feeling. This person, situation, or place is bad or is great for me. We all have that gut feeling sometimes we follow it and sometimes we don’t. Based on our insecurity, fear, want, loneliness we make a decision. If we listen to our gut 99% of the time it works out but when we let the things mentioned above overrun our gut we wind up in our little or big hell. We want to blame someone and that someone is never us. It’s always the other person, place or things problem we couldn’t possibly been wrong. Just know this and this is one of the biggest truths we all have to learn. WE ARE THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR US! No matter what has happened only us. My dad said this to me all time. The answer to all your problems is when you point the finger , turn it around and point it at yourself and all the answers appear. Okay Tyler stop rambling and get to the point!

You need nobody’s permission who you let in and out of your life. If you’re looking at someone to say: Hey you should really let that person, place or thing in our out Then your already failing. Whoever you let in or out is your business. doesn’t matter who “talked you into it” because you’re the decision maker in your life. Start taking charge and be responsible for the permission given in your life. We all want people to like our decisions but guess what, no matter how good or bad or choices are some jackass is going to beat you down about it. I know 2 people right now that if Jesus was sitting in my living room they would be bitching about: he thinks he knows everything, he’s going to let you down etc… He thinks he walks on water. blah blah. Just remember tonight when you lay down you made the decision, you made some good ones and some bad ones. I just want to offer you a book of permission slips to write to yourself so you know you have all the power now.








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