Day 1549 so this is what its come to

22 05 2017

Remember naps, kool aid, recess, playing outside until you were so tired you came in I took a bath passed out and did it again the next day.  What about getting something in the mail,run out to the mailbox but no yet, drinking from a water hose, jumping into a pond just because, or taking your shoes off just because. trying to have fun because it was fun,  not to have fun to compensate to make yourself feel better. Anyway I’m saying being an adult is dumb and we continue to do the same thing.

Let say the stats are correct and 2% of people live they life they want. I’ll be generous and say 10% are living the life they want. So that leaves us the other 90%. Here are the things we celebrate now,

  1. I got to work on time,
  2. They canceled the meeting,
  3. Jeans day,
  4. A catered lunch,
  5. Getting to leave 5 minutes early
  6. Living to get a tax return check that we shouldn’t have paid over tot he government anyway
  7. Getting to eat a meal at home. It used to happen everyday
  8. 2 weeks of vacation to work 50 weeks. Then we dread the end of vacation because how much work we have when we get back
  9. Praying to God that the dr., lawyer or bank stay open past 5 so you can get business done so you don’t have to do everything Saturday.
  10. That someone will celebrate your birthday
  11. You go to the mailbox hoping its empty
  12. That somebody would do their laundry
  13. Can we order pizza because I don’t give a crap about anybody eating
  14. Someone body I cared about texted me but I haven’t heard their voice in 2 years
  15.  I worked to retirement YAY, now my health sucks so bad I can’t enjoy it
  16. We get 2 breaks a day to go to the bathroom
  17. Somebody waved at me. Do they like me. It used to mean people were friendly.
  18. You have to be sick to feel like you can stay in bed
  19. Someone pays you a compliment.
  20. I paid my bills for the month yes, oh crap its time to start paying them again.

 

I could go on but how freaking sad is it that life has become this. Routine is a killer of the soul. Why have we accepted this. It’s not God’s plan. ts not our plan but we stick ourselves in the butt with it and wonder why it hurts. It’s just dub, we stopped having fun, or our fun is were going to drink until we don’t remember, because Hangovers are a blast.

My boss is a dumb arse and if you don’t think you’re a dumb arse you are the boss. We live this life to get to a point to enjoy it then our health fades,  our love dies, kids move on forget about us until were dying.

Im not trying to be a pessimist but I’m sick of people not living.  Take them damn trip,  eat the food you shouldn’t , if your job sucks find another one, if you want a dog buy one. Just live because if you were giving a month to live you would start but its to late.

Oh but Tyler I don’t what to do. Okay good stop doing this stupid crap I listed that’s a good start. The only person going to make your life better is you. I mean nobody else will. Don’t blame, just do it.





Day 920 This is what I don’t have

3 08 2015

This morning one of my friends got baptized and I cried. With change comes a heart of compassion. I remember being dunked in the water last year and what it symbolized for me. My friend Chris has had his fair share of crap that he brought on but also things that he didn’t ask for. There was a  group of the churches youth up by the baptism water and a boy turned around and said sir why are you crying. I said I can’t explain it unless you’ve been there but that is what you call rising through the ashes. I hope you never get there but if you do remember God never leaves us! Pretty good little Sunday if I do say so.

This is what I don’t have!! Okay Im not going to write what I don’t have sorry to let you down but Im going to write about the good I have in my life. This blog came on from a meme that I had saved on my phone. I was looking for a little encouragement yesterday after driving around for about 3 hrs cleaning my brain. I always used to be a glass half empty guy but im learning that its better to have a little than none at all.

Remember when

Its coming up on three years since my divorce and I won’t forget the way I felt standing in that courthouse. I had no idea which way was going to be up. I didn’t know how to be a dad, how to function on my own.  I doubted my self every second of everyday. Now almost three years later, sure I still doubt but it’s so many fewer times. Every time I turn it over to God its goes the way it should. I have won so many battles but not with people because if we win those we actually lose. I’m talking about the battles of the mind that tell us you’re not lovable, worthy, your not good at ABC. 3 years ago I feared my own shadow and now I welcome its company. I was reminded last night of things I forget about myself and about who I am and what I’ve overcome. It’s always easy everyday to wake up and say I can’t do this or I haven’t made any real changes. I would beg you to start everyday listing one or two things that you have overcome,  a fear your overcoming, a battle within you that you have conquered. Your doing such an amazing job compared to what you think you are. For me, Everyday to be the best father and never be selfish,  I’m learning to love me, I have a heart for God, to do something good everyday, to help at the drop of the hat to be there for someone, my fear of not being lovable, I slowly learning that be by myself is okay. Sometimes just keeping my head above water and not tucking tail and running.  Providing you hope when you feel there is none is what I like the most. So today stop and recognize the things you have done and where you’re at compared to just one year ago. Be proud of yourself if that means  you were at your rock bottom or there now , it only goes up from here. I’m living proof that the most broken, worst self esteem, pathetic man full of excuses can change and its been so worth it.





Day 920 This is what I don’t have

2 08 2015

This morning one of my friends got baptized and I cried. With change comes a heart of compassion. I remember being dunked in the water last year and what it symbolized for me. My friend Chris has had his fair share of crap that he brought on but also things that he didn’t ask for. There was a  group of the churches youth up by the baptism water and a boy turned around and said sir why are you crying. I said I can’t explain it unless you’ve been there but that is what you call rising through the ashes. I hope you never get there but if you do remember God never leaves us! Pretty good little Sunday if I do say so.

This is what I don’t have!! Okay Im not going to write what I don’t have sorry to let you down but Im going to write about the good I have in my life. This blog came on from a meme that I had saved on my phone. I was looking for a little encouragement yesterday after driving around for about 3 hrs cleaning my brain. I always used to be a glass half empty guy but im learning that its better to have a little than none at all.

Remember when

Its coming up on three years since my divorce and I won’t forget the way I felt standing in that courthouse. I had no idea which way was going to be up. I didn’t know how to be a dad, how to function on my own.  I doubted my self every second of everyday. Now almost three years later, sure I still doubt but it’s so many fewer times. Every time I turn it over to God its goes the way it should. I have won so many battles but not with people because if we win those we actually lose. I’m talking about the battles of the mind that tell us you’re not lovable, worthy, your not good at ABC. 3 years ago I feared my own shadow and now I welcome its company. I was reminded last night of things I forget about myself and about who I am and what I’ve overcome. It’s always easy everyday to wake up and say I can’t do this or I haven’t made any real changes. I would beg you to start everyday listing one or two things that you have overcome,  a fear your overcoming, a battle within you that you have conquered. Your doing such an amazing job compared to what you think you are. For me, Everyday to be the best father and never be selfish,  I’m learning to love me, I have a heart for God, to do something good everyday, to help at the drop of the hat to be there for someone, my fear of not being lovable, I slowly learning that be by myself is okay. Sometimes just keeping my head above water and not tucking tail and running.  Providing you hope when you feel there is none is what I like the most. So today stop and recognize the things you have done and where you’re at compared to just one year ago. Be proud of yourself if that means  you were at your rock bottom or there now , it only goes up from here. I’m living proof that the most broken, worst self esteem, pathetic man full of excuses can change and its been so worth it.

 

 





Day 782 Would you like to continue reading this blog!

18 03 2015

I have and do truly enjoy writing my blog. I appreciate over the past 2.7 years all the comments and people I have met through this blog. I started writing for me and only me. It was my therapy when nothing else made sense. In that time I got to see I wasn’t alone, rock bottom was okay, and there are people that hurt as bad as me and worse. I ve had people turn there back on me, love me more, cry with me, criticize me, laugh at me and it has all been worth it. I wouldn’t take back any of it. I will always blog because it still helps me. The blog and my life isn’t about me though its about helping others just if anything to feel they’re not alone. I can always set the blog to private and let those closest to me read it.

My question is do you want to continue reading it. Please Im not not looking for praise or oh your so great. What I want to know does it still touch you and speak to you. based on the response I get I will make my decision. In turn if people want to continue reading it I m going to write more of what I TRULY feel and also let you see my funny side. I’m not always serious and I want people to see that side of me too.  I promise though to keep my spelling and grammar terrible just to irritate those grammar and spelling NAZI’s So its up to you! I appreciate any feedback  positive or negative.





Day 722 You dont need permission to get out

19 01 2015

It was one of those weekends I was down. We accomplished a lot but I felt I should be hearing something and I missing it. I do know this when I’m  giving I feel complete. Today my kids, nephew and the Rock Bottom Outreach crew gave away 130 sleeping bags to the homeless in 12 minutes. Watching people with so little be so happy over a sleeping bag makes me be grateful but also just thankful that those I love are making a difference. Watching my kids help a total stranger and that stranger giving them a hug is what life is about.

I’m not writing this to anyone in particular. If you think I’m talking about you then we need to talk. I’ve been in two situations in the past week  and here is what I do know. In our lives we are responsible for everyone, everything and place in our lives. That is good and bad. I believe no matter how smart or not you are, how much common sense you have or don’t have we all have that feeling. This person, situation, or place is bad or is great for me. We all have that gut feeling sometimes we follow it and sometimes we don’t. Based on our insecurity, fear, want, loneliness we make a decision. If we listen to our gut 99% of the time it works out but when we let the things mentioned above overrun our gut we wind up in our little or big hell. We want to blame someone and that someone is never us. It’s always the other person, place or things problem we couldn’t possibly been wrong. Just know this and this is one of the biggest truths we all have to learn. WE ARE THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR US! No matter what has happened only us. My dad said this to me all time. The answer to all your problems is when you point the finger , turn it around and point it at yourself and all the answers appear. Okay Tyler stop rambling and get to the point!

You need nobody’s permission who you let in and out of your life. If you’re looking at someone to say: Hey you should really let that person, place or thing in our out Then your already failing. Whoever you let in or out is your business. doesn’t matter who “talked you into it” because you’re the decision maker in your life. Start taking charge and be responsible for the permission given in your life. We all want people to like our decisions but guess what, no matter how good or bad or choices are some jackass is going to beat you down about it. I know 2 people right now that if Jesus was sitting in my living room they would be bitching about: he thinks he knows everything, he’s going to let you down etc… He thinks he walks on water. blah blah. Just remember tonight when you lay down you made the decision, you made some good ones and some bad ones. I just want to offer you a book of permission slips to write to yourself so you know you have all the power now.





Day 722 You dont need permission to get out

18 01 2015

It was one of those weekends I was down. We accomplished a lot but I felt I should be hearing something and I missing it. I do know this when I’m  giving I feel complete. Today my kids, nephew and the Rock Bottom Outreach crew gave away 130 sleeping bags to the homeless in 12 minutes. Watching people with so little be so happy over a sleeping bag makes me be grateful but also just thankful that those I love are making a difference. Watching my kids help a total stranger and that stranger giving them a hug is what life is about.

I’m not writing this to anyone in particular. If you think I’m talking about you then we need to talk. I’ve been in two situations in the past week  and here is what I do know. In our lives we are responsible for everyone, everything and place in our lives. That is good and bad. I believe no matter how smart or not you are, how much common sense you have or don’t have we all have that feeling. This person, situation, or place is bad or is great for me. We all have that gut feeling sometimes we follow it and sometimes we don’t. Based on our insecurity, fear, want, loneliness we make a decision. If we listen to our gut 99% of the time it works out but when we let the things mentioned above overrun our gut we wind up in our little or big hell. We want to blame someone and that someone is never us. It’s always the other person, place or things problem we couldn’t possibly been wrong. Just know this and this is one of the biggest truths we all have to learn. WE ARE THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR US! No matter what has happened only us. My dad said this to me all time. The answer to all your problems is when you point the finger , turn it around and point it at yourself and all the answers appear. Okay Tyler stop rambling and get to the point!

You need nobody’s permission who you let in and out of your life. If you’re looking at someone to say: Hey you should really let that person, place or thing in our out Then your already failing. Whoever you let in or out is your business. doesn’t matter who “talked you into it” because you’re the decision maker in your life. Start taking charge and be responsible for the permission given in your life. We all want people to like our decisions but guess what, no matter how good or bad or choices are some jackass is going to beat you down about it. I know 2 people right now that if Jesus was sitting in my living room they would be bitching about: he thinks he knows everything, he’s going to let you down etc… He thinks he walks on water. blah blah. Just remember tonight when you lay down you made the decision, you made some good ones and some bad ones. I just want to offer you a book of permission slips to write to yourself so you know you have all the power now.

 





Day 476 Mirror Mirror on your wall

20 05 2014

Sometimes writing just helps. I used to vocalize everything and most times it was in a punishing way.  I used to hate writing because I wasn’t interested in the topic but now the topic can be whatever or wherever my heart and mind desire. I know 3 people who have started blogging because I blog. That’s a heck of a compliment. They don’t have to blog like me but just the fact they can find themselves and express themselves  can be life changing.

Mirror Mirror on the wall who has no damn idea at all. That would be most of us. When you look at the mirror in the mornings whats the first thing you tell yourself.  Is it good and if its good are you doing so you feel like your covering up your true feelings about yourself. In the past 3 weeks I’ve had 3 people ask me about suicide. Not because they wanted my thoughts but they were calling out for a desperate plea to know if they were okay. I wanted to know what they thought about themselves and it is what most have or haven’t thought about themselves. This hurts too much, I’m ugly, I’m not worthy, he/she didn’t love me, nothing I do is right, God’s not listening to me, I don’t matter to anyone, my past won’t leave me.   The problem is we all have a disability and that is us. Many days I believe it would be better to blind so we couldn’t see ourselves.  We then compare ourselves to that supposed person that has it together. That person who is trying so hard to show you how they have it all together is the one dying the most. We still take that and go home and look in the mirror and wonder why I can’t be like them.

I can’t stop the pain. I can’t change anyone if they don’t want to change. I would tell you to throw all your mirrors away but you won’t. So tomorrow morning wake-up and walk to your mirror and just say I look good today, Im worthy, I matter. Anything that will help you see the great in you. GOD DIDN”T MAKE MISTAKES. It doesn’t matter what you have done, it’s never to late to start over, or see yourself in a way you haven’t. Sometimes  its the people in our life that can help us through this journey, pick wisely and keep the ones close that help make you better. Those reading this that know me. I know take my own advice and I’m trying!








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