Day 1891 Please don’t kill yourself

13 08 2018

Meet the teacher tonight. I have a jr. in high school and a 4th grader. My Lord time is passing faster and faster everyday as I get older.  Here’s to a great year for all of you!

I was sent a video today by one of my friends. It’s by Clayton Jennings called Stop, Please don’t kill yourself. Theres a tad of irony in that fact that is the month 7 years ago that I was ready to go. The noise in my head was loud, the pain that I felt in every step, in every fake situation I played up. I told goodbye in my silence knowing I wouldn’t see them again even though they had no clue this was the last time they would see me.

Depression was like a bag of Oreos for me. I could eat line after line with no thought. I could only think of the skin i was saving, the people who could breathe easier knowing that I wasn’t there. My kids that didn’t need this broken, failure of a man. I cried more those 2 weeks before the day came. Tears of joy for others and tears that I couldn’t believe the failure I allowed, the brokenness that started as I came out of the womb. I remember a primal scream  I let out in my car that I’m surprised didn’t shatter my windows. Suicide was my only way!

If I could tell you anything I would tell you its a season of life. Your damn right it hurts, probably the worst feeling you have ever had. If you choose to walk with the devil you will hold his hand. His whispers are loud and believable but you ave to yell out I mean really yell out tell the devil to leave you. You want to talk about courage fight the devil when he is partying in your head. That is courage but you cant do it alone! I believe in God! He never said it was going to be easy. I thought being a Christian was supposed to be easy but when I didn’t understand I blamed God and said you fix it or I end it.

God rose up and he grabbed my hand and said I know you ready so come on. I fought some days and others I just gave in because I was tired not physically but in life. So I stood up but if you believe this is easy you are delusional. You see what I allow you to see, you don’t see this heart or these tears. I spend a lot of time by myself. I do know if I dance with the devil i lose. So I beg you just today stand up. don’t worry about tomorrow. Deep inside your soul the best is there. You just forgot it. reach out, ask for someone to just hold you, ask them to just shut up and listen.

I’ve never known one person that took their life that made this world a better place. You were wanted, needed and so missed. God will see you through it. It might be  category 6 hurricane in your life but please don’t take your life. I love you even if I dont know you. I never want one person to sit in their car on a hill yelling, crying with snot bubbles praying that this death goes slow because thats what I deserved. so I’m here!

Stop please don’t kill yourself!

 

 

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Day 645 I can’t love you Tyler

3 11 2014

Halloween is such an interesting holiday. There are way to many people who think clowns are funny and I for one think not. I would rather punch a clown in its funny nose that look at it. I know I have issues but I’m a work in progress. One of the houses I took my son to give away full size candy bars. I decided to be there best friend.

Please do not feel sympathy, pity, whatever for this blog. I m writing my feelings and I know how others feel I hope someone can feel like their not on an island and it helps to bring healing. 3 weeks ago I had a friend in my mens group say do you even know what love is. I was really pissed when he first asked and I said yes for sure. He said put it on paper and let me know. Its taking me three weeks and here is what I’ve come up with. The past two weeks have been a struggle for me and I mean big time. I think it’s a lot to do with being in a relationship and falling in love again. I know men don’t share their feelings like I do so men and women will both bash me and tell me that its weird. Its okay I’ll build a bridge and you decide if you want to walk over it.

One of the statements that still wrecks my mind sometimes from my marriage   is “I can’t  love you Tyler” in my mind i kept telling her yes you can you just stopped trying. I know I made mistakes but so did you and I’m changing so you can love me. That never happened and you know the rest. I’m 3 years separated/ divorced and the words haunt me. No matter what I know about God and his power, my counseling etc.. I live like I can’t be loved. I will tell you what you need to hear and what I want to hear but my actions are different from that. This is where I beat myself up more than any other aspect of my life. I don’t want to hear that there aren’t good men and women out there  because it’s a lie. We attract who we are so we are the problem and the solution. The reason I’m single is because I believe the lies of my mangled heart. I finally realized that it is  a mangled mess and since is a decision and not a feeling I know that whoever she is can either love me or not, cheat on me or not,  or just decide that you not enough and just walk away. So armed with that info I have a line and if you cross it I will mark you out of my life and never choose to see you again. It’s not I have a  lack of knowledge I have plenty of that. Knowledge without action is like eating a shit sandwich it doesn’t taste good and you really can’t give it to anyone either. I have thought a long time about what I really want and I think this is correct for me:

I need someone Im attracted to for sure. Lets get the generic crap out-of-the-way. I need someone who doesn’t smoke, Affectionate giving and  receiving, funny and will laugh at herself  and me, has some sort of relationship with her family, will communicate about everything yes even that. Here is this stuff that matters. The more you see my brokenness you want to get closer,  you will let me take care of you because Im wired that way, not control you but take care of you, that if you or I walk out the door we know that were coming back, that when nobody in the world understand you try, you put me in my place but out of love, you’ll let me do all the sappy, crazy things you hear about but have never seen, we Really don’t go to bed mad, that we can show each other grace when it’s not deserved,  that my fears become your fears and mine yours so we can break through them together, when I throw a fit you know it’s not often and you find out why rather than trying to break me, that we are both okay not saying a word but that it’s so many words being spoken, when I fail you will get mad but remember the man I am not the man I was, when I want to get in the car and drive you don’t ask where, that when I don’t understand your hormones Ill try and wont always blame it on your hormones, that when we lay next to each other I do just want to hold you, that you will let me be your biggest fan not because I should but because I want to, when I try to shake it all off and pretend its okay you call me out, that you will see my greatness when I can’t, when I do something for you it’s not because I want something but because you deserve it and you accept it as such. Finally you and I know that wherever and whatever is going there is someone out there that understands.

So I know what works for me. You see this picture of a mangled car: You also see the car fixed. I know God will fix my mangled heart but it will also take someone who is strong and will love like they never have. If she chooses to do that then they will get what she always thought was not able to be attained.

ollision_repair_before_and_after

So as I struggle through this it will workout it just takes me trusting and believing again, praying to God for his will and not mine, and opening my eyes when they have been closed. Mangled heart and all Im an amazing catch and someone will get this one day. Until then here’s to putting my puzzle back together.





Day 645 I can’t love you Tyler

2 11 2014

Halloween is such an interesting holiday. There are way to many people who think clowns are funny and I for one think not. I would rather punch a clown in its funny nose that look at it. I know I have issues but I’m a work in progress. One of the houses I took my son to give away full size candy bars. I decided to be there best friend.

Please do not feel sympathy, pity, whatever for this blog. I m writing my feelings and I know how others feel I hope someone can feel like their not on an island and it helps to bring healing. 3 weeks ago I had a friend in my mens group say do you even know what love is. I was really pissed when he first asked and I said yes for sure. He said put it on paper and let me know. Its taking me three weeks and here is what I’ve come up with. The past two weeks have been a struggle for me and I mean big time. I think it’s a lot to do with being in a relationship and falling in love again. I know men don’t share their feelings like I do so men and women will both bash me and tell me that its weird. Its okay I’ll build a bridge and you decide if you want to walk over it.

One of the statements that still wrecks my mind sometimes from my marriage   is “I can’t  love you Tyler” in my mind i kept telling her yes you can you just stopped trying. I know I made mistakes but so did you and I’m changing so you can love me. That never happened and you know the rest. I’m 3 years separated/ divorced and the words haunt me. No matter what I know about God and his power, my counseling etc.. I live like I can’t be loved. I will tell you what you need to hear and what I want to hear but my actions are different from that. This is where I beat myself up more than any other aspect of my life. I don’t want to hear that there aren’t good men and women out there  because it’s a lie. We attract who we are so we are the problem and the solution. The reason I’m single is because I believe the lies of my mangled heart. I finally realized that it is  a mangled mess and since is a decision and not a feeling I know that whoever she is can either love me or not, cheat on me or not,  or just decide that you not enough and just walk away. So armed with that info I have a line and if you cross it I will mark you out of my life and never choose to see you again. It’s not I have a  lack of knowledge I have plenty of that. Knowledge without action is like eating a shit sandwich it doesn’t taste good and you really can’t give it to anyone either. I have thought a long time about what I really want and I think this is correct for me:

I need someone Im attracted to for sure. Lets get the generic crap out-of-the-way. I need someone who doesn’t smoke, Affectionate giving and  receiving, funny and will laugh at herself  and me, has some sort of relationship with her family, will communicate about everything yes even that. Here is this stuff that matters. The more you see my brokenness you want to get closer,  you will let me take care of you because Im wired that way, not control you but take care of you, that if you or I walk out the door we know that were coming back, that when nobody in the world understand you try, you put me in my place but out of love, you’ll let me do all the sappy, crazy things you hear about but have never seen, we Really don’t go to bed mad, that we can show each other grace when it’s not deserved,  that my fears become your fears and mine yours so we can break through them together, when I throw a fit you know it’s not often and you find out why rather than trying to break me, that we are both okay not saying a word but that it’s so many words being spoken, when I fail you will get mad but remember the man I am not the man I was, when I want to get in the car and drive you don’t ask where, that when I don’t understand your hormones Ill try and wont always blame it on your hormones, that when we lay next to each other I do just want to hold you, that you will let me be your biggest fan not because I should but because I want to, when I try to shake it all off and pretend its okay you call me out, that you will see my greatness when I can’t, when I do something for you it’s not because I want something but because you deserve it and you accept it as such. Finally you and I know that wherever and whatever is going there is someone out there that understands.

So I know what works for me. You see this picture of a mangled car: You also see the car fixed. I know God will fix my mangled heart but it will also take someone who is strong and will love like they never have. If she chooses to do that then they will get what she always thought was not able to be attained.

ollision_repair_before_and_after

So as I struggle through this it will workout it just takes me trusting and believing again, praying to God for his will and not mine, and opening my eyes when they have been closed. Mangled heart and all Im an amazing catch and someone will get this one day. Until then here’s to putting my puzzle back together.





Day 645 I can’t love you Tyler

2 11 2014

Halloween is such an interesting holiday. There are way to many people who think clowns are funny and I for one think not. I would rather punch a clown in its funny nose that look at it. I know I have issues but I’m a work in progress. One of the houses I took my son to give away full size candy bars. I decided to be there best friend.

Please do not feel sympathy, pity, whatever for this blog. I m writing my feelings and I know how others feel I hope someone can feel like their not on an island and it helps to bring healing. 3 weeks ago I had a friend in my mens group say do you even know what love is. I was really pissed when he first asked and I said yes for sure. He said put it on paper and let me know. Its taking me three weeks and here is what I’ve come up with. The past two weeks have been a struggle for me and I mean big time. I think it’s a lot to do with being in a relationship and falling in love again. I know men don’t share their feelings like I do so men and women will both bash me and tell me that its weird. Its okay I’ll build a bridge and you decide if you want to walk over it.

One of the statements that still wrecks my mind sometimes from my marriage   is “I can’t  love you Tyler” in my mind i kept telling her yes you can you just stopped trying. I know I made mistakes but so did you and I’m changing so you can love me. That never happened and you know the rest. I’m 3 years separated/ divorced and the words haunt me. No matter what I know about God and his power, my counseling etc.. I live like I can’t be loved. I will tell you what you need to hear and what I want to hear but my actions are different from that. This is where I beat myself up more than any other aspect of my life. I don’t want to hear that there aren’t good men and women out there  because it’s a lie. We attract who we are so we are the problem and the solution. The reason I’m single is because I believe the lies of my mangled heart. I finally realized that it is  a mangled mess and since is a decision and not a feeling I know that whoever she is can either love me or not, cheat on me or not,  or just decide that you not enough and just walk away. So armed with that info I have a line and if you cross it I will mark you out of my life and never choose to see you again. It’s not I have a  lack of knowledge I have plenty of that. Knowledge without action is like eating a shit sandwich it doesn’t taste good and you really can’t give it to anyone either. I have thought a long time about what I really want and I think this is correct for me:

I need someone Im attracted to for sure. Lets get the generic crap out-of-the-way. I need someone who doesn’t smoke, Affectionate giving and  receiving, funny and will laugh at herself  and me, has some sort of relationship with her family, will communicate about everything yes even that. Here is this stuff that matters. The more you see my brokenness you want to get closer,  you will let me take care of you because Im wired that way, not control you but take care of you, that if you or I walk out the door we know that were coming back, that when nobody in the world understand you try, you put me in my place but out of love, you’ll let me do all the sappy, crazy things you hear about but have never seen, we Really don’t go to bed mad, that we can show each other grace when it’s not deserved,  that my fears become your fears and mine yours so we can break through them together, when I throw a fit you know it’s not often and you find out why rather than trying to break me, that we are both okay not saying a word but that it’s so many words being spoken, when I fail you will get mad but remember the man I am not the man I was, when I want to get in the car and drive you don’t ask where, that when I don’t understand your hormones Ill try and wont always blame it on your hormones, that when we lay next to each other I do just want to hold you, that you will let me be your biggest fan not because I should but because I want to, when I try to shake it all off and pretend its okay you call me out, that you will see my greatness when I can’t, when I do something for you it’s not because I want something but because you deserve it and you accept it as such. Finally you and I know that wherever and whatever is going there is someone out there that understands.

 

So I know what works for me. You see this picture of a mangled car: You also see the car fixed. I know God will fix my mangled heart but it will also take someone who is strong and will love like they never have. If she chooses to do that then they will get what she always thought was not able to be attained.

ollision_repair_before_and_after

So as I struggle through this it will workout it just takes me trusting and believing again, praying to God for his will and not mine, and opening my eyes when they have been closed. Mangled heart and all Im an amazing catch and someone will get this one day. Until then here’s to putting my puzzle back together.

 








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