Day 59 People aren’t lazy

28 02 2013

Strep throat sucks. I ve had it for sure about three days. It’s hard to swallow water much less any food. Also why does Chlorseptic spray taste like skunk pee.  Don’t ask how I know that I peed on electric fences when I was a kid too. I went to Care Now last night and I think I got sicker from being there. I thought most people were going to die in the Care Now, but then there always the one that has no clue how to cover their mouth when they cough. So I nicely asked please cover your mouth and got told to f off. I sat and thought what I should say, but a nice lady took up for me and told the man that if you don’t I ll help him kick your ass (at least we were all in a good mood after that).

Life is good

I watched the video above and I was totally moved. You hear how the younger generation is nothing but a bunch of punks and crappy kids who care for nothing except themselves.  This is proof that life is all about giving to the fellow-man. Its amazing video.

Not sure if you ever heard of Earl Nightingale but he is an author of the spoken word. He was great at talking about overcoming obstacles and conquering difficulties. He recorded a message which he called The Strangest Secret. He starts when he talked about A Dr. who was being interviewed in London. The reporter asked him Dr. what’s wrong with men today? The Dr. says they simply don’t think. We are blessed  to be in the richest land  of abundant opportunity  in the world. However if take 100 individuals at the age of 25 do you know what will happen to them at 65? 1 will be rich, 4 will be financially independent, 5 will still be working and 54 broke. Only 5 make the grade.

Why do so many fail, what happened to that sparkle, where are their hopes, dreams, and plans. “Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal.” We conform and that’s where the problem comes from. We act like everyone without knowing why or where they are going. So what is important about this. I don’t think we are lazy as people but we have no goals and we become what we think about. Please stop now grab a pen and paper and find out what you want to do and where you want to go. It will change your life. If not next year you’ll be saying this year is my year with no roadmap you’ll still be sitting in your driveway again.

 

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Day 56 Are u brave enough

25 02 2013

Had a weird weekend for many reasons. Spent some quality time with some great folks and drove a lot. I was in Temple on Saturday and Huntsville on Sunday. Ran the gammitt of emotions this weekend and I can’t talk about all of them because they deal with some who said her name shouldn’t be spoken. I did get back in enough time to see Seth McFarland host the Oscars and see Ted. I love McFarland he is a genius on so many levels. I m not sure if he wouldn’t have been there if I could have stayed awake.

A lot of reality this weekend. Put in my place but not in a bad way. Guess the questions was are you brave enough to deal with the truth.  When we hear the truth it can get under our skin but the only reason it does is because we have thought it and have done nothing with it. It was brought to my attention that I may not be ready to lead in a relationship. It pissed me off really bad. I was born a leader and still do in every aspect of my life. This person said yes but you come across passive when talking about being in a relationship. You can’t make a decision and lead to the point a man needs to. Women say they want a man to lead. We will talk about it and then you make the final decision. I did that and always got cut down at the knees so I did become passive. I know that women say that I want you to be the leader (spiritually, family, etc..) but in most cases then we are always wrong. We talk about it our man’s group a lot and I know there is a women who wants that but it scares me. Why are we always afraid of getting what we want? Because we never have had it and when we do we push it away because it terrify’s us. It one of the most stupid things we do as people but we do it all the time. If I find the women I truly want will I push her out the door because (This can’t possibly be her).
It comes down to two things do I truly trust God and I’m scared.  Everything in life can be summed up to those two things. I want to trust God until it becomes real and I don’t want to be wrong so just sit back and fear.

It’s a rambling Monday so I m sorry but hopefully something made sense.





Day 51 Kill your heart

20 02 2013

You know whats great about getting old. Hair in places that’s not supposed to be, you have a great workout and then about 30 minutes later your body has lost its pump. Or you lactose intolerant. Well its fun to get old. stupid body!

You remember when you heard the saying the first time that it pierced my heart. We all find it different ways and usually its very hurtful and sometimes destruction. If you haven’t ever heard of John Eldredge and his Ransom Heart ministry I can tell you he helped me back on the road dealing with my father and relationships. In his book Sacred Romance he has this saying that I think we can all relate to:

At some point we all face the same decision—what will we do with the Arrows we’ve known? Maybe a better way to say it is, what have they tempted us to do? However they come to us, whether through a loss we experience as abandonment or some deep violation we feel as abuse, their message is always the same: Kill your heart. Divorce it, neglect it, run from it, or indulge it with some anesthetic (our various addictions). Think of how you’ve handled the affliction that has pierced your own heart. How did the Arrows come to you? Where did they land? Are they still there? What have you done as a result?

To say we all face a decision when we’re pierced by an Arrow is misleading. It makes the process sound so rational, as though we have the option of coolly assessing the situation and choosing a logical response. Life isn’t like that—the heart cannot be managed in a detached sort of way (certainly not when we are young, when some of the most defining Arrows strike). It feels more like an ambush, and our response is at a gut level. We may never put words to it. Our deepest convictions are formed without conscious effort, but the effect is a shift deep in our soul. Commitments form never to be in that position again, never to know that sort of pain again. The result is an approach to life that we often call our personality. If you’ll listen carefully to your life, you may begin to see how it has been shaped by the unique Arrows you’ve known and the particular convictions you’ve embraced as a result. The Arrows also taint and partially direct even our spiritual life.

Just reading that today stuck with me and reminded me how easy it was to kill my heart. What are your arrows have you ever dealt  with them?





Day 50 Love is Not Enough… The Making of a Relationship

19 02 2013

This was a great article. Just something to think about.

This article:by Bill Malone, MSW, LISW

“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new…, all the time, made new…”
Amy E. Dean

We think that the hardest thing in a relationship is finding the right person. After that, we fall in love and live happily ever after, right? Those in a relationship know all too well that fairy tales are only true in the movies. The truth of the matter is that having and maintaining a relationship is not easy. The rate of divorce tells us that love is not enough; other factors are needed to keep a relationship going.

As a therapist, I am privileged to work with many couples who come for help with their relationship problems. Looking back, it would be safe to say that the major problem that brings a couple in for counseling is because one or both of the parties are at their wits end and are seriously wanting out of the relationship unless some major change occurs. In working with couples, I don’t see that any one is at fault. Rather, the problems are usually caused by faulty interactions that have gone on for so long that the root cause for the problems are unknown to the couple. It is interesting to note that women tend to call for assistance more frequently than men do, but I believe this has to do with the fact that males have been socialized to be tough and handle all problems. Women on the other hand are reared to ask for assistance. Men need to learn to ask for help.

Communication problems are a major source for relationship problems. People in most cases just do not know how to talk to each other. Usually, the couple has spent years arguing, fighting or even avoiding problems, but the inevitable occurs, someone reaches the end of their rope. Loss of trust, confusion over whether we still love each other, fights all the time and the inability to agree on anything are some of the cues to recognize that a relationship is having serious communication problems. Many times a child’s misbehavior and conduct problems at home or school are directly related to a couple’s inability to communicate.

The goal of the counseling process is to teach the couple specific skills that are essential in keeping a relationship alive and growing. Many times the couples that I have seen had a deficit in one or more of the essential ingredients needed to cook up a great relationship. I don’t want to mislead anyone, love is important to a relationship. It is the catalyst that gets the whole thing going, but the following are ingredients that keep the love alive and the relationship healthy.

TWO MATURE INDIVIDUALS

A mature individual is defind as a person who has a sense of self. He/she is able to recognize that both members in the relationship are different. They are able to see that each has a different heritage, a different way of thinking, feeling and possibly different beliefs. The mature person is able to recognize the I, Me and the Us in the relationship. With all the differences in personalities, thoughts and feelings, it’s a wonder that we got together in the first place.

Without the element of maturity, a couple can get all messed up just because they lose themselves in a relationship. They can become jealous, dependent, resentful and distant. All of which can erode the reason the couple became a couple in the first place.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS

The ability to tell each other thoughts, feelings and wants is so important to a relationship. Good, open, and honest communication is like oil to a car. Without oil in the car, internal parts will burn up and the car will be ready for the scrap pile. Communication is important!

There are no mind readers. For a relationship to grow and prosper, likes, dislikes, desires, hopes, dreams and problems need to be said. If a couple’s communication is restricted, the relationship is destined for major problems down the road. We take cars for oil changes to keep them going strong, why not seek a professional’s assistance to change our communication patterns in order to keep the relationship in tip top shape just like our automobiles?

THE ABILITY TO CHANGE

Relationships are not static. They are ever changing. If they become static for too long, they can become extinct like the dinosaurs. Relationships go through a life cycle: the honeymoon, with children, mid-life crisis, the empty nest and the reacquainting period and then death of a spouse and the end of the relationship. All of these stages require change, learning and exploration of new territory. If one or both members in the relationship becomes rigid and resistant to needed changes the relationship could end in divorce. In my opinion, one of the major reasons that couples end in divorce is because they were unable to change to meet the new needs and demands of the relationship. One or both were unable or unwilling to make the needed changes to keep the relationship growing; as a result, the relationship died. Change we must, it is part of the human condition. If it was not, we would all still be infants in diapers.

ABILITY TO COMPROMISE

The ability to compromise refers to an individual’s willingness and proficiency at finding the middle ground. Being able to compromise is a sign of maturity. It is also needed in any relationship. If one person always gets his/her way, the other person is bound to feel dominated, and resentful. These negative feelings can rip the heart right out of any relationship. Finding the happy middle can provide the best of both worlds… giving and receiving. Sharing the last dish of ice cream with a friend is always better than eating it all alone, isn’t it?

A WILLINGNESS TO WORK TOGETHER

A relationship is like a business partnership; it has common goals, assets and liabilities. Like in a business, if members don’t work together, the business will become ineffective and possibly not exist for too long. The ability to work together means recognizing each person’s strengths and helping them come out at the same time recognizing each member’s weaknesses and learning to turn weaknesses into assets. Two heads are better than one and if couples follow this rule, they will see that the deep depressing valleys that lie ahead may be nothing more than pot holes once they approach them.

KNOWING WHEN TO BACK OFF

Every one needs room to breath, room to sort out their own thoughts, feelings and problems. If someone is always hanging on you, there is a tendency to want to push them off to reduce the burden of carrying them all the time. Providing individual spaces gives any individual the ability to see things more clearly.

SUPPORT AND TRUST

One of the benefits of a relationship is that we will have someone in our corner to support us and to affirm our existence. This support adds to the trust that is needed in any relationship. Without mutual support, a trusting relationship will not develop. Each member must have its emotional needs met in order to continue to invest in the relationship. The continued support and the being there for the other person emotionally is the way in which trust is developed. If a trusting relationship is cultivated and maintained, the ability to try new adventures and take new risks are enhanced. A supportive trusting relationship outside of the bedroom always increases the activity in the bedroom.

LOVE, HUGS, KISSES AND LOVEMAKING

The open expression of feeling in any relationship is vital to the continued growth of the relationship. Lovemaking should not be overlooked in a relationship, but it need not be the only ingredient that exists in a relationship either. Lovemaking is the icing on the cake and it gets there by mixing all of the above mentioned ingredients.

Good lovemaking starts outside of the bedroom. If you want to increase the frequency and intensity of your lovemaking, try to increase the frequency and intensity of your communication, willingness to work as a team, sharing of self, being kind and supportive, give space and freedom to explore individual interests. All of these ingredients will add to the makings of a fine, wonderfully iced cake.





Day 48 Our life is worth more than the last minute

17 02 2013

Hello my blog reading friends. I love my kids and they always are teaching me something. My son tells me today after church that you have to learn to forgive of you won’t get cookies. I agree with that statement it’s just as we get older the cookies turn into so much more.I had a good weekend. My mom got to spend a lot of time with my kids and my buddy Scott was up from Austin way. Friday night was one of those nights you just put down in your memory banks and only share it with those closet to you. Saturday I went to the Advocare conference to truly see what it was all about. I got to here George W. Bush speak. The man was really funny and very genuine.

The majority of Saturday is teaching but also the stories about rags to riches, overcoming adversity, etc. I listened to all of them and they certainly make you u self reflect and I do a lot of that. I kept thinking every story is why do we wait to the last-minute. Here’s what I mean.

Life is going to happen it’s either going to take us on a magnificent high or to the deeps of hell. The 2% ride the high but the majority the 98% we go to the deeps of hell. Our life is worth more than the last-minute. Almost every story was of the following, marriage is almost over, they were going to lose a house, a car, they were in time debt, health was wasting away and finally when there was nowhere else to go but up they did it they pulled themselves from the hell. Why is our life that way. I lived that life and in some ways still do. I sat there and asked myself what in the hell am I doing. What bad thing am I waiting on to happen to me so I will “okay this is it I’m making a change”. I have one hell of a story to tell. My life is better and I have overcome a tremendous amount, but it’s not done or close to it. Am I waiting to get cancer, or lose someone close to me, my kids get sick, I mean what is it that our whole entire life has to come to an end almost then we are ready to change.

I sit that we don’t have someone holding us accountable. Self motivation is really hard. Are we waiting on the next bad thing. Are we programmed because of our past to just sit and take it because that’s all we know. I have been told well you need to get closer to God. Well I can assure you that he’s not telling me hay turn the game on and worry about the changes later That’s my free will. He will never force us to do anything.

I don’t have the answer but i m listening and I m going to find it. I lost everything in my life and I will not do it again, but if I don’t start soon I ll be repeating myself here in the next 5-10 years.





Day 45 Valentines Day Suggestions from A Divorced Man

14 02 2013

I wanted to give a big thanks for the support and love from my last blog about my dad. It’s a sad day but when I forgave him I was able to see the greatness in that man and also I was able to forgive myself. I hope for everyone that reads this that you can get to that point.

At my man’s group last night I heard something I haven’t heard worded this way: He said marriage is a death( at least time I was like on no don’t finish this sentence) It is the death of our selfish self.

Valentine’s day is very different when single but that doesn’t mean it’s horrible. It is another expensive holiday but it’s good to see other people love each other on this day. Tomorrow maybe different but at least today you see it.

Here are a few suggestions. Women this is not just a holiday for you please remember that. And for both sexes if you are only treating the one you love good on this day then you should have the crap slapped out of you. Your relationship is 365 days  not just 1 day in February.

Give up your selfish ways. Try one at a time. Do something he or she knows you can’t. Prove to them that they are that important. You want them to respond differently it doesn’t happen without you becoming the leader. They will follow.. If your waiting on them to do it first this time next  year you’ll still be waiting.

Our relationships are not a scoreboard. You don’t do something to get something. You do it because you love them and oh by the way Your supposed to. If you want a pat on the back you will get that but if you want a loving lasting relationship you do it and keep you mouth shut.

Finally learn to say your sorry. I had a guy tell me last night I don’t know how. If your new at sorry it goes like this: I m sorry I was a real ass. See that wasn’t so bad. Sorry becomes easier and more heart-felt the more you do it.

I’m sure your asking what all of these have to do with Valentine’s day? Everything!!

 





Day 42 Today is 8 years he died

11 02 2013

Today is a tough day. It does get easier but the day itself really sucks. At 8:20 am 8 years ago today my father passed away. Sorry if you have heard the story before but this helps me deal with it and maybe you can get something out of it.

My dad was taking 27 pills a day to stay alive. We had brought him home from the hospital about 5 weeks earlier so he could die at home. He had a variety of things wrong with him they said he died of COPD but you could have chosen 5 or 6 other things. They had given him morphine under the tongue 2 weeks before so it had been a while since I had seen him “normal”. My problems started in life at 10 when my dad said that it was time for me to be the man of the family and I wore that with a badge of honor. It is by far the worst thing anything can put on a little boy. I truly believed in my head my dad thought I could handle the pressure and that he took a step back and started the deterioration process. It’s not like he didn’t do anything but when I was 14 he became disabled and quit. I was so pissed. I m a fighter and I don’t quit and he left my mom and I to take care of him and my sister. I know he was sick and his body was falling him but he could have tried to do something. He made me a promise that if I graduated from college that he would be there and stand for me when they called my name. Well he did that in December of 1998. It was the last time I could say I was proud of him. He was there and then had to go to the car. He had to carry an oxygen tank with him but I know that day he was proud of me. AS the years went on I saw less of him. I was embarrassed and now I know I was really pissed at him. I saw the man he was becoming, he couldn’t take care of himself very well and my mother waited on him hand over fist. September 2004 I started my own business. I will never forget that day he said “( I m so proud you had the courage to do something I wouldn’t) I remember mumbling to myself yeah You could have and he wouldn’t have been so damn poor.

August 2004 my dad got the words you only have 6-9 months left to live. He started the I m sorry and started to bear his soul. He apologized to my mom and I heard  his words he was sorry and my mom waited 34 years to hear those words. He apologized to my sister and requested that she do a few things which she agreed. He then started his process with me. It took a full 5.5 months to get it all out. I learned things about him that I never knew. He was a great card player, a real sharp dresser. He owned bowling alleys and restaurants, he played with his close friend Buddy Holly in his band and some other things that I will keep to myself. At first I was so happy to hear all of this and then I became bitter that he would wait until he was gone and couldn’t do anything about it. His last words that he said to me were son I wish I was half the man you had become. It was the most powerful thing I have ever heard but it should have been me saying that to him.

The last time I saw my dad alive was February 4th. They got him out of bed and sat him in his chair. He had no idea we were there. I sat in front of him and talked to him like nothing was wrong but knew it wouldn’t be long before he died. I left that night and hoped God would take him. he was a shell of a man, he was so sick and my mom deserved better. Thursday February 10 at 9:40 pm my mom called its time son. We had many false alarms but this time her voice said it was really happening. He asked my mom to go to the store and get him some juice. He knew what he was doing when she got back my dad was in a coma. I got there at 11:00 that night. It was the longest drive I had made from Denton to Cleburne.  I wanted to have something to say to calm everyone down when I got there but I didn’t. I gave my sister, my mom and the hospice nurse a hug and went into the bedroom. No matter how ready you think you are you’re not ready to see you parent laying there taking their last breaths . The nurse told me that he could hear me so talk to him but he wouldn’t respond. Probably since the first time since I was a baby I went in laid in my dads arm and didn’t say a word. I laid there about 2 hrs and nobody came in there. I guess they knew I needed my time. I talked to my dad about what I was doing in my business and how I struggled with being a dad and husband. I told him I was mad about him leaving me here but I would hold up to the end of the bargain of taking care of my mom and sister. I got up and let some other people who came by the house come by and pay their respects. I sat outside in the dark for about an hr. I just kept praying for God please take him. His lungs were filling with fluid so his breathing was like that of a drowning person. At 8:00 that morning his breaths became fewer and fewer. My mom and sister came and said goodbye and I laid next to him holding his hand. at 8:20 I heard his last breath. A very surreal moment happened and his warm body became cold and his spirit left. It was my last time that I had to be the man of the family with him there!!

 








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