Day 1871 is the past the past

30 04 2018

Another week and another day getting Balder. Man the patch on my head if I let me hair grow just a little bit looks like i have mange.  Also the fact next week my daughter will be 16 I’m officially getting more seasoned. I don’t use the word old.

The past is the past or is it? I believe it is. What I did in my past will never change. I’m sorry, and wish more than anything I could change the pain i caused people, the people I stepped on to get what I wanted, the conditions I put on people that I wouldn’t follow, the relationships I wrecked because of fear, or the men I hurt because honestly it made me feel better.  I paid my penance and some days I relieve it. I will never forget what happened or what I did but I’m taking my past to help change people’s lives. I never thought one day I’m going to take this crappy relationship or whatever and help change people lives. I wish you could have been with me when my life started the tumble that I  saw coming (at that point it was too late). Would I blow my brains out, try to drown slowly, have a car crash, or just ove dose. I get it and I was alone during my walk by my choice. People who struggle with anger, self-worth, addictions, sex, manipulation. Why do i do this because people harbor their past and live in it. Living in the past will kill you one way or another. I want to help the people who want to learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. We’re a rare bird but we attract other rare birds which is one cool flock.

If you’re a person that constantly reminds people of their past, or you can’t forgive them of their past especially when trying to get better! You’re the one with the problem. Get out of the relationship. You need help. Don’t crush someone else because you can’t deal with yourself.

The past is the past and if you hold that against someone you need to be someone else’s past. People can never change if you continue to slap them with things that can’t be changed. Yes you can mend fences but what caused the fence to fall wont be forgotten. Its our job to look past the past and try to help that person move forward, if you cant, please step away, remember grace is a 2 way street

God died on the cross to forgive our sins from tomorrow, today, and yesterday. So stop playing God people, it is finished, let it go. He died for everyone, not the ones you can’t forgive. Dont try drinking a cup of poison and hope the other person gets sick.

Love you all.

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Day 1836 How about you kiss my ……..

25 03 2018

Hello people and hope life is going great for you. Past 4 weeks, I had to put my dog to sleep, got  a new job where I travel, a new cell-phone which there is a learning curve,  and sat in the middle seat twice on a plane. 1 st world problems but still, the middle seat!

 

One thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days I’m a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. It’s still new in the year and a lot of time to have the year I want.  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared.  I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by urself and you  cry that’s God just getting me to cleanse myself so I can see what I  forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes mom and dad are proud of who you are. You work so hard to be a great parent. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

Just throwing out my thoughts because thats what a blog is for. Happy Easter and eat a cadbuy for me. Oh and you dont have to kiss my …. I just liked the title





Day 1807 the last 6 months

24 02 2018

Good saturday afternoon. This week in Texas we had a thunderstorm, ice and flooding all in one day. We are out of drought and now growing mosquitoes. Hold on my friends we might have snow before its all over.

As i sit and think about my dad today i remember the last 6 months of his life. Its the only time i got to know him. He told me the way he felt the day i was born, how he dreamed of me, how strong i was, how i always made him laugh. That besides my mom and sisters that we were the only good things that he did. His band he had in Germany, the way he felt when he drew and painted. How he and Buddy holly got in trouble. Why he started drinking, women he shouldnt have met. How he got scared, what he feared, when i first broke my leg how much he cried, when i took his alcohol away because he couldnt, when i shelled his peanuts so he wouldn’t go crazy when he stopped smoking.
The pride he felt when i walked across stage with my degree. The pain he felt when i looked him in the eye and he knew he didnt measure up, how much my mom was the greatest gift he had ever received. How much he loved my sister and asked me to promise to watch over until the day i die.
The final words i ever heard him speak were i wish i was half the man you were son and i love you please never forget that.

I ask you today if your relationship with your parents is on the outs, put down your pride and go to them. It took me 6 years after my dad died to appreciate the last 6 months he was with us but im so thankful i got to know him.
Take my advice not my pain. Go to them





Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.

 





Day 1514 I Hope for 25 years

16 04 2017

Happy Easter! An amazing day especially knowing about he resurrection. As today cam  and watching a case for Christ this week. There is no doubt Jesus died on the cross and came back 3 days later.
Even the most died hard who doesn’t believe respects the fact he rose.
I think I’m tough , I’ve taken some beatings but the physical annihilation of one’s body and ultimate suffocation on a cross is something I can’t fathom.
That happened for me! For my sorry butt. It happened for you. So he could watch us commit sin after sin, but love us enough to forgive us and allow us to continue to walk this earth.
I actually will tear up tomorrow. I don’t know how to love that much. When I tried to take my life every horrible thing I said to Jesus and he allowed me to stay. He gave me another chance.
Starting tomorrow the greatest miracle ever starts. It’s not about dumb, fake green grass, a basket, Cadbury eggs ( which I love),
It’s about a man who bleed to death but still had the words to say forgive them for they don’t know what they do.
That’s my Jesus.  I know that he loves me and I will celebrate him, today and in the storm. I love you Jesus.

AS I sat in Easter service last night a couple to my right caught my eye. I knew they were in their 60s A point was made she would squeeze his leg, he would nod, at one point he reached over to kiss her. I teared up. I wondered how much life they had lived, how many Easters had they sat in service, how many fights had they had, how many horrible things have they said to each other. Then I thought how many times have they said I love you, how they dealt with the death of their parents, the amazing things of their children, the moments that they took the others one breath away. when the moments happened that the other one was there,  when they sat in a room and were the most content ever without ever saying a word. They had those days where they hated the other one, wish that they weren’t together. Or those moments were the other person thought they looked their worst they closed their eyes and thanked God that they belonged to them.

I was longing for sure. I was married for 14 years. engaged for a bit. I always wanted that 25 years with someone. That I could look at them  and say I spent more of my life with you and I wouldn’t change it.  That you have tears running down your eyes because you know God kept you together. She could have quit but stayed. Funds were low and debts were high and she just sighed. When you didn’t understand menopause but kept saying I love you. When nothing felt more right than holding her hand on a walk, or in the movies and knowing that you did something for her that nobody else knows just you two.

So service was over I tapped the man on the shoulder. I know weird question but how long have you been married. 31 years he said. I said thank you. I was watching I’ve always wanted what you have. She looked at me and said we’ve never heard that but its been the best 31 years of my life. Neither quit, never stopped loving, We all know the hell of relationships and 31 years later.

I envy those people and anyone else who fought and didn’t quit. Even when everything said too. The best 31 years of my life. I think and pray for that. I had always hoped for 25 years. Now I’m further along in life it could happen. No matter what happens I believe in true, never quit love. Society says no. I believe in hopeless romantics, love everlasting, a hug that lasts for minutes and the world stops, a piece of paper saying you have a nice butt still, I still hope for my 25 years. In the meantime I’ll continue watching and asking those that do it to fill my hope tank.

Happy Easter and Love you





Day 1477 Dear 30 year old Tyler Wood

9 03 2017

Life has taken so many twists and turns in the past year and half. Some I’m proud of, most I struggle to see the lesson in them but there always is. Blogging was a release for me. Nobody would understand half of the stuff that goes on in this brain of mine so I blogged. the past year I bet I only wrote 10 blogs. I’m truly going to start blogging again. Its how I release without picking up the bottle again, or creeping over to watch something I shouldn’t. I heard twice this week I really miss reading your blog so maybe they will continue to help someone or give someone something to read when their bored.

I’m going through my past and cleaning out my closet for a lack of a better term. It’s easy to go back to your closet to look at that old shirt and remember a good time in it but realize it doesn’t fit. My past is my mind not actual closet 🙂

Im writing to myself but it’s also lessons I would like to teach my two babies.

1.Find out what forgiveness is: Don’t shake your head and act like you know. You destroyed 4 different relationships because of having to have all the answers.

2. Just go dance or tell the jokes you wanted to. Take the comedy class.

3.  Stop eating eggs and drinking milk the world doesn’t need your gas any longer.

4. You stopped telling people you love them because you didn’t love yourself. They needed it no matter what you think.

5. Stop working for a trip and just take the damn trip.

6. Take the walk after dinner Im really what are you going to miss sitting on the couch.

7. Don’t ask God to show you ways to help people then when the opportunity presents itself then say that can’t be it. It was!

8. If you don’t like your job quit doing it and do what you wanted.You lost everything doing something you hated.

9. Take care of your health. I know you were invincible but it catches up to you.

10. You are not your mistakes. Try just one day not beating yourself up. Your worth it.

11. Skydive- do it twice

12. When your kids ask you to play with them stop and play. There is nothing more important than that moment. Those moments don’t come back.

13. Believe in forever no matter what happens.

14. Stop and look at the historical marker,or pet the cow or horse that you thought was beautiful on your road trip. You’ll get there. PS. Keep looking for bears one day you’ll see one.

15. Dont ever forget where you came from. If you’re looking down on someone it better be because your picking them up

16 Dont lose track of your friends. They may day and you never saw them or  spoke to them again.

17. Tell your daughter everyday how amazing, and beautiful she is if not some gross boy will.

18. Call you mom everyday. Don’t skip a day. Trust me on this!

19 Love your sister she thinks  your pretty awesome.

20. Dont think your since your son is  just like you so much he’s going to do the things you did. Thats why your teaching him.

21. Dont say something to a woman that you wouldn’t want to hear about yourself.

22. When you know you shouldn’t be driving after trying to drink your thoughts away, thank God he let you get home and don’t do it again.

23. Never stop asking why. You cant stop learning.

24. Apolgise for hurting someones feelings.

25. When you don’t think someone needs you thats when you must be there.

26. Take the word cant and replace with must!

27. When you find someone who kisses like her hang onto her.

 

 





Day 1325 Why did you abandon me

2 10 2016

Hello friends it’s finally cool in Texas 85 yesterday which had people in sweaters and coats. Also everything pumpkin spice Is out including dog food and toilet paper. Here’s to fall, football, and streakers at sporting events.
Defination of abandoned -no longer held or thought of : given up.
Our founder of Rock bottom outreach Rick Smith  was giving his testimony at Springtown Texas See Ya at the Pole last Wednesdays  and spoke about his abandonment  issues. I listened whole hardheartedly for the first time and it slapped me in the face. This has been one of my biggest issues that I wouldn’t admit because I just didn’t know.
As I walked by my dad’s room leading to my room I always either shook my head or asked why. Why did you give up on me, (aka abandon us)mom and my little sister. Why when I need you the most you can’t or won’t. Don’t you see what I’m trying to do and I’ll need is guidance but your gone. Dammit dad help me but nothing.  Tell me it’s going to be okay, tell me you’ll help me, tell me I can do it but don’t give up on me. Still nothing,  so the sooner you die the better. You quit on me so I’m done with you when your ready to go. So he dies and he leaves me (abandoned).
My ex wife- in the back of my mind for 14 years if  I wasn’t good enough for my dad there is no way you’ll stay with me but since I don’t give up I won’t quit on you.  Problem is when you think that way you live by a scorecard. See what I did for you, us. I’m enough because of  the tasks I do not for the love I have for you or me. Sooner or later people can’t score enough points and you really aren’t enough. Even when I completed my list of changes you asked and became 180 degree different man. You abandoned me and I wasn’t enough again.
My mom, who was my best friend left us this past December. Nobody asked me to take her it wasn’t her time. She didn’t get to see all the great things I was going to do, see my new family complete, or when I needed your tough love where did you go. How dare you  God take her. Now she and you have abandoned me.
I meet this beautiful,amazing woman who would die for me and I spend the majority of our relationship trying to push her away. In my mind I say this is what’s wrong with her ( which is really nothing), so I’ll just remind her so she’ll leave me too. There is no way since my dad, my ex-wife, mom and yes Jesus abandoned she’s going to as well but all shes does is love me when I don’t want to be enough or think shes going to leave.
Thanks God for abandoning me time and time again. I know better. God has always been there for me, he saved my life, but it’s better to blame him than see the truth. I’m a crappy Christian and follower  because I believe the lies the devil whispers in my ears. Healing is real when you want and believe it. I’m asking all of  these unperfect, broken people to be perfect and love me but I won’t do the same without thinking their going to leave me.
So I know abandonment now. It’s another hurdle on this journey. It’s realizing that if I embrace the ones that love me and know if I feel abandonment they do to and not push them to leave because they can and will. I can hurt them so much too not even knowing that I’m doing it.
My first thing I want to say I’m sorry to the ones I push away I didn’t know I was doing it. I’m constantly working to be better so bare with me. God honors obedience and he loves us even when don’t or won’t love ourselves. He never leaves us. Ever!
Thanks for reading and supporting this crazy weird bald dude.








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